Entry tags:
three kinds of cranky.
A little background, which I'll make as brief as possible. For many years, we traveled to my mother's family at Christmas. Gathered at this time were my grandparents, my mother's older sister and her family, and us. My mother's brother and her younger sister didn't come home at Christmas for a long time for reasons that are not relevant at the moment. More recently, that uncle and aunt have both come sometimes, often with their spouses but sometimes without. I don't know if there has ever been a time that my grandparents and all four of their children and all four of their children-in-law and all four of their grandchildren have all been in the same place at the same time.
Now three of those grandchildren are married, and two of them have two children apiece, and of course all three of them have a full complement of in-laws. One cousin has a double helping of in-laws, since her husband's parents split ages ago. The other cousin lives many states away, though her husband comes from the same general home-town area as she does so at least they can accomplish all their family visiting with one trip away. My sister-in-law's mother lives maybe ten miles from my parents, which is similarly convenient for her and my brother at Thanksgiving, but doesn't really solve much w/r/t my mother's family at Christmas. Bottom line: my grandmother now has four children living in three states, whose in-laws cover those three states and two more; and four grandchildren living in three states, whose in-laws are in only two states but are very numerous; and four great-grandchildren, two nearby and two far away. Getting together at Christmas had become tricky enough that we bounced it to Boxing Day and then to Martin Luther King Day (since we didn't care as much as my cousins' various in-laws did about it being properly Christmastime when we got together), and now even MLKmas is no good because the third great-grandchild's birthday is then and the kid ought to be able to have his birthday party at his own house. (And my aunt, his grandmother, means to go to it, so that's another minus-one at the old home stand.)
My mother is heavily invested in everyone being together at the same time. If it can't be Christmas and it can't be MLKmas, she wants it to be some time. What about October, she said to me. Third weekend in October is always my concert week, I said, but other than that I'm generally not pressed. Okay, she said, and I thought she'd said this after consulting with everyone else but apparently that was silly of me, this year we're talking about the first weekend in October, how's that? Fine, I said.
Some weeks later, my brother and I were cc'd on an e-mail from my mother to her older sister stating that we were all coming up the first weekend in October. "Oh, are we?", said my sister-in-law, "first I've heard of it." Ordinarily we'd blame my brother here, for making a plan and not keeping his wife informed, but in fact my brother has no memory of any discussion of that weekend - he thought we were talking about Columbus Day, and had no notion Mom had settled on the weekend before. But she had, and as long as we could get there, we were more or less committed.
It turns out, I now learn from my mother, that the Event that annually brings my uncle and his wife back to my grandmother's house is always held the first weekend in October; and at the same time, my younger aunt, the musician, always has a gig that weekend for Octoberfest. Given the built-in conflict, it's not clear why Mom thought this was the best plan, but as we're seeing, who the hell knows why she thinks what she thinks. I asked her this weekend if the younger of my cousins (the one who lives furthest away, the doctor, whose on-call schedule stops her coming home the most often, the one whose elder son's birthday has pre-empted MLKmas going forward) would be there, and my mother said she didn't know --
-- and THEN she sent an e-mail to the whole group, both her sisters and her brother and both my cousins and my brother and me, noting that this was when we (the five of us, i.e. my parents and my brother and sister-in-law and self) were coming, and asking who else could be there then. I think she takes it as given that the people who live around there will be there, though of course that's by no means assured (as evidenced by the fact that my older cousin replied to confirm that she would, in fact, be home that weekend, which, since the usual family gathering involves dinner at her house, you'd think my mother would have checked beforehand), but dudes, why please would she tell us this date was firm if she hadn't actually discussed it with anyone else? Anyone else but me, even!
I am concerned that she's, you know, losing her mind. Or gaining more of it than she ought, I mean, because clearly what is happening is that she'll have one conversation and then have a series of thoughts about that conversation and reach some sort of conclusion based on her own thoughts as though they had been conversations she'd had with others. Filling in all the gaps by herself, I mean. Case in point: her e-mail included the statement, "[younger cousin],![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fox particularly mentioned that she thinks she hasn't seen you since [her elder son]'s christening", no part of which is true. That is, I'm pretty sure I have seen that cousin since her elder son's christening, which was in fact a backyard barbecue also celebrating her completion of her residency; I didn't go to the christening itself -- and in any event, I know for a fact that I never said anything of the kind to my mother. I should be clear that I don't think she's lying when she said I did, but I do think she's confused. Nevertheless, it annoys me a great deal in its reference to that era in your life when your parents could use you as a front for their own motivations, right, "the kids were really hoping you could be there", when what they mean is "we really wish you'd come", and it's okay to say it's the kids who want it because the kids are six.
Anyway. Fifteen minutes, cosmically speaking, after we settle on the first weekend in October and I buy my tickets, it becomes inconvenient for me to be away that weekend. Figures.
Now three of those grandchildren are married, and two of them have two children apiece, and of course all three of them have a full complement of in-laws. One cousin has a double helping of in-laws, since her husband's parents split ages ago. The other cousin lives many states away, though her husband comes from the same general home-town area as she does so at least they can accomplish all their family visiting with one trip away. My sister-in-law's mother lives maybe ten miles from my parents, which is similarly convenient for her and my brother at Thanksgiving, but doesn't really solve much w/r/t my mother's family at Christmas. Bottom line: my grandmother now has four children living in three states, whose in-laws cover those three states and two more; and four grandchildren living in three states, whose in-laws are in only two states but are very numerous; and four great-grandchildren, two nearby and two far away. Getting together at Christmas had become tricky enough that we bounced it to Boxing Day and then to Martin Luther King Day (since we didn't care as much as my cousins' various in-laws did about it being properly Christmastime when we got together), and now even MLKmas is no good because the third great-grandchild's birthday is then and the kid ought to be able to have his birthday party at his own house. (And my aunt, his grandmother, means to go to it, so that's another minus-one at the old home stand.)
My mother is heavily invested in everyone being together at the same time. If it can't be Christmas and it can't be MLKmas, she wants it to be some time. What about October, she said to me. Third weekend in October is always my concert week, I said, but other than that I'm generally not pressed. Okay, she said, and I thought she'd said this after consulting with everyone else but apparently that was silly of me, this year we're talking about the first weekend in October, how's that? Fine, I said.
Some weeks later, my brother and I were cc'd on an e-mail from my mother to her older sister stating that we were all coming up the first weekend in October. "Oh, are we?", said my sister-in-law, "first I've heard of it." Ordinarily we'd blame my brother here, for making a plan and not keeping his wife informed, but in fact my brother has no memory of any discussion of that weekend - he thought we were talking about Columbus Day, and had no notion Mom had settled on the weekend before. But she had, and as long as we could get there, we were more or less committed.
It turns out, I now learn from my mother, that the Event that annually brings my uncle and his wife back to my grandmother's house is always held the first weekend in October; and at the same time, my younger aunt, the musician, always has a gig that weekend for Octoberfest. Given the built-in conflict, it's not clear why Mom thought this was the best plan, but as we're seeing, who the hell knows why she thinks what she thinks. I asked her this weekend if the younger of my cousins (the one who lives furthest away, the doctor, whose on-call schedule stops her coming home the most often, the one whose elder son's birthday has pre-empted MLKmas going forward) would be there, and my mother said she didn't know --
-- and THEN she sent an e-mail to the whole group, both her sisters and her brother and both my cousins and my brother and me, noting that this was when we (the five of us, i.e. my parents and my brother and sister-in-law and self) were coming, and asking who else could be there then. I think she takes it as given that the people who live around there will be there, though of course that's by no means assured (as evidenced by the fact that my older cousin replied to confirm that she would, in fact, be home that weekend, which, since the usual family gathering involves dinner at her house, you'd think my mother would have checked beforehand), but dudes, why please would she tell us this date was firm if she hadn't actually discussed it with anyone else? Anyone else but me, even!
I am concerned that she's, you know, losing her mind. Or gaining more of it than she ought, I mean, because clearly what is happening is that she'll have one conversation and then have a series of thoughts about that conversation and reach some sort of conclusion based on her own thoughts as though they had been conversations she'd had with others. Filling in all the gaps by herself, I mean. Case in point: her e-mail included the statement, "[younger cousin],
fox particularly mentioned that she thinks she hasn't seen you since [her elder son]'s christening", no part of which is true. That is, I'm pretty sure I have seen that cousin since her elder son's christening, which was in fact a backyard barbecue also celebrating her completion of her residency; I didn't go to the christening itself -- and in any event, I know for a fact that I never said anything of the kind to my mother. I should be clear that I don't think she's lying when she said I did, but I do think she's confused. Nevertheless, it annoys me a great deal in its reference to that era in your life when your parents could use you as a front for their own motivations, right, "the kids were really hoping you could be there", when what they mean is "we really wish you'd come", and it's okay to say it's the kids who want it because the kids are six.Anyway. Fifteen minutes, cosmically speaking, after we settle on the first weekend in October and I buy my tickets, it becomes inconvenient for me to be away that weekend. Figures.