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what will i wish i had done
My plan had been to be here this week Wednesday-Saturday, next week Tuesday-Friday, and the following and all necessary subsequent weeks Tuesday-Saturday. Today, for a variety of reasons having to do both with my mother's readjustment of her confidence level vis-a-vis managing the ongoing hospice care (last week she thought "aaaah!", but she now feels that was a transitional phase rather than a permanent one) and my own migraine-riddled exhaustion at the idea of trying to basically live two lives at once, we decided I'm going to go home tomorrow (back to my own home, that is) and come back here only the next time I'm needed, or at Thanksgiving, whichever comes first. Mom and I both felt unexpected washes of relief at having made that decision, so we're both pretty sure it's right.
Every night I go to bed thinking I could wake up and find him gone. During the days I keep looking up to be sure he's still breathing; every so often he pauses for a few seconds between breaths, and as I said last week, of course one holds one's own breath until one is sure he's going to breathe again. So far he always does, but I'm sure the pauses are getting longer (and the breaths shallower). Today I told him I know he's working so hard just to keep breathing, and I wanted him to know that when he's ready to stop, we'll all be all right, so he shouldn't make himself suffer unnecessarily just because of us. And then I asked him if it was okay that I'd said that, and he squeezed my hand. So I think we're okay. I mean, I tell him I love him every time I leave the room, and now having had that be-at-peace thing this morning, I don't think there's anything I'll carry the rest of my life not having said to him.
I'll cry myself to sleep tonight, but I'll go home tomorrow breathing a little easier.
[eta: This post is appearing with links in it that I didn't put in. What's up with that? I assume the browser is doing it, but I wish like hell it would stop.]
[eta2: Holy crap, it was Google Chrome's fault. I switched the whole business to incognito windows and the links went away. Is that a thing Chrome does? Fuck off, Chrome.]
Every night I go to bed thinking I could wake up and find him gone. During the days I keep looking up to be sure he's still breathing; every so often he pauses for a few seconds between breaths, and as I said last week, of course one holds one's own breath until one is sure he's going to breathe again. So far he always does, but I'm sure the pauses are getting longer (and the breaths shallower). Today I told him I know he's working so hard just to keep breathing, and I wanted him to know that when he's ready to stop, we'll all be all right, so he shouldn't make himself suffer unnecessarily just because of us. And then I asked him if it was okay that I'd said that, and he squeezed my hand. So I think we're okay. I mean, I tell him I love him every time I leave the room, and now having had that be-at-peace thing this morning, I don't think there's anything I'll carry the rest of my life not having said to him.
I'll cry myself to sleep tonight, but I'll go home tomorrow breathing a little easier.
[eta: This post is appearing with links in it that I didn't put in. What's up with that? I assume the browser is doing it, but I wish like hell it would stop.]
[eta2: Holy crap, it was Google Chrome's fault. I switched the whole business to incognito windows and the links went away. Is that a thing Chrome does? Fuck off, Chrome.]