return to due South: season 3 episode 13 "Mountie on the Bounty part 2"

[fox]

Mountie on the Bounty part 2
air date March 22, 1998

Scene 1

PAUL GROSS'S VOICE: Previously on due South . . .

Fraser is standing in his office in his undershirt. Music cue: "Drunken Sailor" by Captain Tractor.

FRASER: A transfer, sir?
THATCHER: To Ottawa.

Kowalski and Fraser are arguing on the banks of the lake.

FRASER: Would you just listen to me?
KOWALSKI: Look, I swear, I swear to God I will punch you right in the face. Fair warning.
FRASER: Well, what does that mean? You're going to punch me?
KOWALSKI: Just look, I'm going to punch you in the face! Why don't you listen to me?
FRASER: Just think calmly —

Kowalski punches Fraser in the face. They stare at each other, neither of them really able to believe that just happened.

WELSH: This came in today.

He hands Kowalski a memo on CPD letterhead.

KOWALSKI: A transfer? So I can get my own life back? My own name?

What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning?

A man with a hook for a left hand and a knife in his back falls on the hood of Kowalski's car.

KOWALSKI: One more case, and then we're done.

Whey, hey, up she rises,
whey, hey, up she rises

Mort is looking at the scar carved in the dead man's chest.

MORT: It would seem to be a map.
KOWALSKI: Of course it's a map. He's a pirate.

whey, hey, up she rises, early in the morning

Fraser is listening to a guy in the docklands bar.

Throw him in the back of the paddy wagon,
throw him in the back of the paddy wagon

NEXT GUY: There's bad things stirrin' in the waters. Ghost ship, with a crew long dead.

throw him in the back of the paddy wagon, early in the morning

Kowalski and Fraser drive up alongside the Henry Allen at dock.

KOWALSKI: We think you might have a killer on board.
SMITHERS: In my crew?
FRASER: In your crew, sir.

What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning?

Smithers hurries out onto the deck. Fraser follows him. There definitely is a ship in the water dead ahead of the Henry Allen.

SMITHERS: Ghost ship dead ahead, Benton.
FRASER: Stay your course. There's nothing they can do to you.

And then the ghost crew of the Robert Mackenzie, that is, the Whaling Yankee, fire a very real cannon.

Whey, hey, up she rises

SMITHERS: Abandon ship!

Guys run around like mad getting lifejackets and hurrying to lifeboats.

whey, hey, up she rises,
whey, hey, up she rises, early in the morning

Francesca is telling Welsh and Thatcher about the gold bar Fraser and Kowalski recovered from Billy Butler's foot locker.

FRANCESCA: This was part of the big shipment that got stolen from the Chicago Federal Reserve Bank last year.
TURNBULL: We have an excellent lead. All we need to do is find the robbers, and we'll find Constable Fraser!

Whey, hey, up she rises,
whey, hey, up she rises,
whey hey, up she rises, early in the morning

Kowalski and Fraser are in the storage room, in water up to their waists.

What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?

KOWALSKI: This is why we're getting stale, Fraser. Communication, we're not doing it.

Kowalski opens the storage room door, and water pours in.

What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning?

The Henry Allen is sinking.

Credits roll.

Paul Gross
Callum Keith Rennie
Beau Starr
Camilla Scott
Tony Craig | Tom Melissis
Ramona Milano
and Gordon Pinsent as Fraser Sr.

(plus Draco the dog)

Dean McDermott, Douglas Campbell, Janet Wright, August Schellenberg, and Jan Rubeš as Mort

Scene 2

Welsh is hurrying along the corridor with his non-missing staff.

WELSH: This was a big heist, gentlemen. Which means it was a big team. Let's pound the docks with pictures of this Whaling Yankee crew. If we shake everything down, maybe we'll come up with a couple more dead guys.
DEWEY: Sir, what if we shake out some gold while we're at it?
HUEY: Yeah. There was — I mean, there was a lot of gold.
WELSH: If you find gold before you find Vecchio and Fraser, I'm going to load it into your pants and drop you into the lake. Keep your eye on the prize, gentlemen. We got officers out there. They might need a lifeline.

It's so interesting to me how Turnbull saying "If we find the robbers, we'll find Constable Fraser" was so stupid but Welsh saying Huey and Dewey had better find their friends before they find the stolen treasure is exactly right.

Scene 3

Fraser and Kowalski are wading along a passageway in the sinking Henry Allen, in water up to their chests. Kowalski is angry about his cell phone.

KOWALSKI: I paid three hundred bucks, three hundred bucks for this stupid thing, it doesn't even work.
FRASER: Well, you know, generally speaking, water and electronics, they're not a good mix.
KOWALSKI: Generally speaking.
FRASER: Yeah. Oh, well. Look at that! [They have reached a porthole.]
KOWALSKI: It's a fish.
FRASER: Yeah. Yeah, it's an encouraging sign.
KOWALSKI: That's not a sign, Fraser. It's a fish.
FRASER: Well, it's a trout, to be exact, which is a sign that the water quality of the Great Lakes is actually returning.
KOWALSKI: Look, why are you arguing with me, Fraser? It's not a sign, it's a fish! That means the boat's sinking and we're dying!
FRASER: Well, yes, it's a sign of that also.
KOWALSKI: [He shakes some water out of his phone.] Ow. [looks again] Fraser! I got a signal!

In this instance, I am with Fraser; I think it's Kowalski who is arguing. (Although fair enough, this would not be a time in my life in which I would be interested in a "bright side.")

Scene 4

Thatcher and Francesca are at Francesca's desk. The phone rings.

FRANCESCA: Detective Division. [grabs Thatcher's hand, yells for Welsh] It's them! It's them!
WELSH: Get them on the speaker!
FRANCESCA: Where are you guys?
KOWALSKI: — sink — something —
WELSH: What sink?
TURNBULL: Ah, kitchen sink, perhaps?
THATCHER: Where is your sink?
KOWALSKI: — sink — sink —

My favorite part of this scene is that when Francesca, Thatcher, Turnbull, and Welsh crowd around the phone, Diefenbaker crowds the closest. Good dog.

Scene 5

Kowalski is yelling into the phone.

KOWALSKI: We're sinkING!
FRASER: Give them the coordinates, Ray. I think we're roughly forty-seven degrees latitude —
KOWALSKI: Forty-seven degrees latitude —
FRASER: — eighty-five degrees longitude.

Scene 6

On the phone, of course Kowalski is breaking up.

KOWALSKI: — eighty-five — longi—
WELSH: Write that down.
KOWALSKI: Forty-seven — eighty-five —
TURNBULL: Ah, five-eight-seven-four. Got it.
THATCHER: [grabs his notebook] Four-seven-eight-five. [to Welsh] Dyslexia.
WELSH: Ray!

Okay so if Turnbull has a learning disability, how much of his quirkiness makes more sense? (I mean, maybe none. Maybe he's got a learning disability and is a goofball.)

Scene 7

Fraser and Kowalski are still, of course, sloshing through the passageways of the Henry Allen.

KOWALSKI: Got that? Got — [He looks at the phone and then at Fraser.] Battery's dead.

He chucks the phone away and keeps sloshing.

Scene 8

At Francesca's desk, everyone is trying to work out what the numbers 4-7-8-5 mean.

THATCHER: A license plate?
WELSH: Phone number? Part of a phone number?
FRANCESCA: There's a four-seven-eight exchange in Chicago.
WELSH: Get a reverse directory. Get somebody on it right away. Dial every number with that prefix.
THATCHER: That's kind of a long shot.
FRANCESCA: Yeah, there could be thousands of numbers. Who's going to take on a job as revolting and tedious as that?

They all look at Turnbull.

Scene 9

Fraser and Kowalski are back in the storage room.

FRASER: You don't happen to have a screwdriver, do you, Ray?
KOWALSKI: No, not on me, Fraser.
FRASER: Oh, that's too bad.
KOWALSKI: Yeah, well, I left my garage in my other pants.
FRASER: All right. Mental note: Equipment myself with a portable waterproof all-purpose toolkit. [He opens his knife and starts using the blade as a screwdriver. The ship is almost entirely sunk. Water is continuing to pour in through the hole in the hull. Fraser has removed a grate in the ceiling. He climbs up into some ducting. Kowalski, who can't swim, doesn't follow.] Ray. Ray. Ray. [He grabs Kowalski by the leg and then by the shirt and hauls him up into the air.]
KOWALSKI: It's dark as sin in here. [Fraser strikes a match.] Your matches still work?
FRASER: Yeah, they're waterproof. It's standard issue for every Mountie. [The match goes out.]
KOWALSKI: They don't last very long. Come on, light another one.
FRASER: I think we should save the others for an emergency.
KOWALSKI: And this is what, a recreational swim? [From outside the duct, we can see that it too is submerged.]
FRASER: Well, Ray, you know, any situation can deterioRATE — [The duct falls out from under him and they both plunge into the water.] Oh, dear.
KOWALSKI: What?
FRASER: We're trapped.

Scene 10

Huey and Dewey are at the docks showing pictures around.

DEWEY: Anything? [Huey shakes his head.] Next pier.
HUEY: Hey. What if you ran into a pile of gold? What would you do with it?
DEWEY: Well, that's a snap. I'd get a storefront, strip mall somewhere, open up a comedy club, call it the Ad-Lib or the One-Liner.
HUEY: A strip mall?
DEWEY: Yeah. I mean, it's not big time, but at least you get a steady flow of business.
HUEY: Yeah?
DEWEY: Yeah.
HUEY: Okay. Do one.
DEWEY: What?
HUEY: Do a one-liner.
HOOKER: You boys looking for a date? [recognizes Dewey] Tommy! How's it going?
DEWEY: Ah, pretty good. Hey, listen, you want to do me a favor? Look at these photographs for us. Just take your time. [He puts her in the back seat of the car.]
HUEY: You know her?
DEWEY: Well, high school. She's grown up.

Dewey answers "high school" quickly enough that either he's got that excuse in his pocket for every time a sex worker recognizes him or it's actually true. He's also got his plans all thought through for what he'd do if he weren't a cop. Vaaaguely interesting.

Scene 11

In the Henry Allen, Kowalski is shivering in the water. Fraser swims back from a reconnaissance sortie.

FRASER: All right. We have to go this way.
KOWALSKI: Come on, Fraser, hang on a second. A hundred and fifty yards underwater?
FRASER: Well, it's meters, actually.
KOWALSKI: Meters, yards, you think my lungs know the difference?
FRASER: It's our only option.
KOWALSKI: That's an option?
FRASER: Well, no.
KOWALSKI: No? What kind of logic is that?
FRASER: Well, it's logic of a kind.
KOWALSKI: How?
FRASER: Well, sort of like a, a strange loop. It's like Gödel's Theorem.
KOWALSKI: Who's Gödel? Gödel? Who the hell is Gödel?
FRASER: Gödel is a German mathematician who found this theorem that, loosely translated, means, ah, "Everything I say is a lie."
KOWALSKI: So everything he said was a lie.
FRASER: Well, right, except that what he just said was the truth.
KOWALSKI: So everything he said was a lie and the truth at the same time.
FRASER: Exactly, see, it leads, it loops back in on itself.
KOWALSKI: A loop. I see. This I get, this is blood, this is, I can go with this.
FRASER: Right. Well, it's also a function of logic.
KOWALSKI: Logic! See? There you go again! You always gotta take it one step further, right? One step over the line!
FRASER: Why are you yelling at me?
KOWALSKI: I am not yelling!
FRASER: You are yelling —
KOWALSKI: I'm not — no I am not!
FRASER: — you are! yelling! at! me!
KOWALSKI: I can't — I can't swim.
FRASER: Right. Right. Well, then, a quick lesson is probably what's called for right now. Okay, coat off. I want you to try to think about, ah — think of yourself as a flower that opens by day, and then it closes down at night. All right? So think — bloom, close. Bloom, close.
KOWALSKI: All right, okay. What do I do with my feet?
FRASER: Just kick. Kick as though you were interviewing suspects. You ready? Big breath.

Fraser takes a deep breath and dives under the water. Kowalski psychs himself up and eventually takes a deep breath and follows. Fraser is swimming ahead, pulling himself along by the walls and fixtures. Kowalski is trying to bloom and close and follow him, but he's pulling himself along by things that move when he pulls on them and not getting as far. Fraser comes back and gets him and tugs him along. They reach a hatch Fraser is having trouble opening. He turns around and realizes Kowalski is drifting away behind him, losing focus. Fraser swims back to Kowalski, slaps his face a couple of times, and holds him in place and presses their mouths together. Then he gives him an "OK" sign and returns to the hatch. Kowalski follows. They swim into the next compartment. Fraser swims up some stairs. Kowalski has got forward motion down but struggles when he tries to change direction. Fraser comes back and gets him again; it turns out he's being dragged back by something snagged around his ankle. Fraser cuts whatever it is free and grabs Kowalski by the waistband, then around the waist, and hauls him up to the surface, past a prominently labeled fire extinguisher. They both inhale deeply, gulping for air.

KOWALSKI: What was that, Fraser?
FRASER: What was what?
KOWALSKI: That thing you were doing with your mouth.
FRASER: Oh, that. That's buddy breathing. Ah, you seemed to be in a bit of a — well, having a problem, and I have excess lung capacity, so.
KOWALSKI: Buddy breathing.
FRASER: Yeah. It's standard procedure.
KOWALSKI: Well, good. Okay. All right. Nothing's, like — changed or anything, right?
FRASER: No.
KOWALSKI: Okay.
FRASER: Yeah.
KOWALSKI: Thanks.
FRASER: You're thanking me?
KOWALSKI: Look, don't get too excited, Fraser. The jury's still out on this partnership thing, okay?
FRASER: Oh, well, don't worry, Mr. Instinct, I'm not excited. [Electrical equipment starts shorting out. Kowalski yelps and dives back under the water.] Yikes.

Fraser pronounces "Gödel" as if it were spelled "Godel," and he was Austrian (and then German after the Anschluß, but); and his Incompleteness Theorem doesn't say that everything he says is untrue but that a formal mathematical system sufficiently powerful and complete to represent everything that is true will also be able to represent self-contradictions, such as "This statement is false," and if it can’t represent that sort of thing in the same form as true statements, it is incomplete. But this isn't really the time for Fraser and Kowalski to get into metamathematics, surely. (Kowalski is indeed yelling at him, and I find it quite sweet that in this one instance, Fraser is calling him on it.)

In case you're interested in timing it yourself, Fraser went under at 7:52 on the DVD and Kowalski at 7:56, and they breached at 9:46, for a total of 110 or 114 seconds. I can hold my breath (in or out) for about 30 seconds before I begin to get Quite Uncomfortable, and/but that's without (a) swimming while I'm doing it or (b) the adrenaline of knowing I have to keep going or I won't be able to breathe ever again. Fraser and Kowalski are both much more athletic and fit than I am, but I'm a trained singer, so my breath control is not, you know. Something I haven't thought about before now. Basically, I'm calling shenanigans on the two minutes underwater and trying for as long as possible to avoid talking about what happened at 8:50, the three seconds of "buddy breathing," which, okay, is that what we're going to call it? Really? I mean, I suppose whatever gets you through your day, Kowalski, because fair enough, I concede it was 1998 but at this point the plausible deniability is itself gasping and near death, isn't it. I mean to say. Well done thanking the guy for literally saving your life rather than preferring to die with your compulsory heteronormativity intact, dude, but I do appreciate how for viewers who were persuaded by the "buddy breathing" explanation and relaxing into their "no homo" comfort zones, the scene literally ends with literal sparks literally flying.

On which note, I think I'd have liked it if they'd been able to make it an even more explicit reference to The Empire Strikes Back:

LEIA: Let go of me.
HAN: Shh. [He is holding onto her where she fell into him when the Millennium Falcon shook; he is listening to the noises in the cave outside.]
LEIA: Let go, please.
HAN: Don't get excited.
LEIA: Captain, being held by you isn't quite enough to get me excited.
HAN: [setting her back on her feet] Sorry, sweetheart. [inspired grin as he leaves the cockpit] Ain't got time for anything else.

Scene 12

Huey and Dewey are still talking about their alternative career plans in the hallway of an apartment building.

DEWEY: So what would you do if you came across a pile of gold?
HUEY: Me?
DEWEY: Yeah.
HUEY: I'd get one of those drum machines, plug it in. They got the whole kit on them. You know, bass, snare, cymbals. And you can program patterns and stuff. You know, rhythm patterns.
DEWEY: Really?
HUEY: Oh, yeah, it's very cool.
DEWEY: [knocks on an apartment door] So like a traveling DJ sort of thing.
HUEY: Yeah, sort of.
DEWEY: Cool. [Someone opens the door. Huey shows his badge. The guy slams the door again. Dewey runs around to cut him off in the alley; Huey goes into the apartment and meets them at the window where Dewey has caught him and is encouraging him to stop climbing out.] Take it real easy, buddy. That's it.

It is charming that what Dewey would buy if money were no object would be real estate, and what Huey would buy would be . . . a fancy toy. Okay, not a toy, it's a professional tool for a studio musician or one-man band. It's probably still not even in the same order of magnitude as buying a comedy club, right? I mean what we're learning here is that Dewey? is miserable as a cop, and Huey just thinks he knows what would help him really get the most out of his free time.

Scene 13

The Henry Allen is almost entirely underwater. Fraser and Kowalski are in water up to their chins; Fraser is tying an upside-down Chekov's Fire Extinguisher to Kowalski's back. He is already wearing one on his own back as well.

KOWALSKI: Fire extinguishers?
FRASER: You bet, Ray. Should make an excellent propellant.
KOWALSKI: Fraser, you done this kind of thing before?
FRASER: Well, no, not precisely. Although there was one occasion when I was underneath a drilling platform in a fjord just south of Clyde River —
KOWALSKI: Come on, Fraser, just tell me the truth. Just say, I'm going to endanger your life, Ray, my friend, I'm going to endanger your life in a wildly bizarre way.
FRASER: All right. Ray, my friend, I'm going to endanger your life in a wildly bizarre way. [He makes a "there, you happy?" face.] Step back. Follow me.

Fraser dives under the water and swims through a hatch. Kowalski follows him.

Thirty-two down on the Robert Mackenzie!

The Henry Allen definitely finishes sinking. Fraser gives Kowalski an "OK" sign. Kowalski doesn't like it, but he nods and does an "OK" sign back. As the last part of the Henry Allen's forecastle goes under, Fraser pops the hatch and pulls his pin and he and Kowalski go shooting up into the air. Fraser, that goofball, has one hand up like Superman.

KOWALSKI: Ahh! Fraser, this hurts my head.
FRASER: You've just got to get streamlined, Ray.
KOWALSKI: How do you streamline your head?
FRASER: Practice.
KOWALSKI: How do you practice something like this?
FRASER: Holy moly, will you look at that? It's a golden eagle.
KOWALSKI: Ah, Fraser, we're slowing down.
FRASER: Yep. That'd be gravity.
KOWALSKI: And now?
FRASER: Now we're falling. Big breath.
KOWALSKI: Three —
FRASER: Two — [They both scream and flail and splash down again in the lake. When they surface, Fraser grabs onto Kowalski's shirt to keep him from sinking again.] Well, that was exciting, wasn't it?
KOWALSKI: Real exciting, Fraser. I can't swim!
FRASER: Well, what do you call what you're doing right now?
KOWALSKI: [bobbing] I'm praying in water.
FRASER: [points to the Whaling Yankee, which is about half a mile away] Well, it looks as though your prayers might have been answered, look. We found the criminals. Okay, come on. [He starts to swim for the Whaling Yankee, reminding Kowalski how to do it.] Bloom, close, kick 'em in the head. Bloom, close, kick 'em in the head. Bloom, close, kick 'em in the head.

I have no idea if a fire extinguisher that size (and it does look pretty big, not your little under-the-kitchen-sink job) has enough oomph to lift a grown man high enough in the air that he'd be able to see a golden eagle, nor what the odds are that the pair of them would go (a) straight up rather than off at (b) wildly different angles, but never mind. The real issue is, I feel like what needs to happen here is rather than magically get out of the fire extinguisher harnesses he'd rigged up and drop them to the bottom of the lake, Fraser needs to lash Kowalski to something buoyant (did they really not pass a single flotation device in their travels through the sinking ship?!) or, at least, lay him on his back so he can breathe air; pass whatever harness material he was using (a fire hose, I guess) under Kowalski's arms; and tow him as he does the swimming his own goddamn self rather than swimming ahead and assuming that the guy he "taught" to swim three minutes ago will be able to follow.

We've heard about Clyde River before.

Of course we don't know why Fraser was under a drilling platform in a fjord near there, and Kowalski won't let him tell us.

Scene 14

Back at the station, Welsh is walk-and-talking with Huey and Dewey. Thatcher and Francesca are following them.

WELSH: All right, what do we know about this guy?
HUEY: John Thomas, a.k.a. Tommy John, a.k.a. Jimmy Toms. Done time for armed robbery and assault.
DEWEY: He was a weapons expert, sir, with the Eighty-Second Airborne. Specialty in explosives and tunnels.
THATCHER: Perfect for the Federal Reserve job.
WELSH: All right. Go check his apartment out. [Huey and Dewey head out to go back to the apartment.] Look, I'm not waiting for a lawyer on this. We're going to go in there like we know the full sheet. We're going to grill the snot out of him.
FRANCESCA: Yeah, let's kick some —
WELSH: Francesca, you're not official.
FRANCESCA: Well, neither is she.

All three of them go into interview 2.

. . . I don't know, Francesca, Thatcher is an actual sworn law enforcement officer and you're an employee of the Chicago Police Department, but that doesn't mean that together you are a Chicago police officer, you know what I mean?

Scene 15

THOMAS: I mean, come on, you can't grill me with two chicks, foxes though they might be. I got rights.
WELSH: Yeah, we got two missing cops out there. You got no rights, pal.
THOMAS: Hey, you didn't even Miranda me.
THATCHER: We are not looking for a conviction. We just want some information.
FRANCESCA: And we are not playing games, ashtray.
THOMAS: Ashtray?
FRANCESCA: We're here to get some information. And we're going to get that information.
THOMAS: Get out of my face.
FRANCESCA: You know, you, you, you don't seem to understand that there are people out there that we care about, hair bottle.
THOMAS: Hair bottle?
FRANCESCA: And we're not going to let a little piece of melon like you get in our way. Do you understand?
THOMAS: Melon?
THATCHER: You know what she means.
THOMAS: No, I don't. Melon? Ashtray? Hair bottle? What kind of talk is this? Is this some kind of code?

I like how in the background while Francesca is going all nonsensical on the guy, Thatcher is looking at Welsh like "???" and he's just letting it happen, so eventually Thatcher just goes with it.

Scene 16

Fraser and Kowalski are climbing aboard the Whaling Yankee. A crewman goes by; they crouch for cover. They can see another crewman from where they're hiding.

KOWALSKI: What the hell is that guy wearing on his head?
FRASER: I think it's his ghost disguise.

The ghost crewman comes right past Fraser and Kowalski's hiding place, but they are nowhere to be seen (because they seem to have ducked into a locker on the deck).

Scene 17

Huey and Dewey knock on the interview room door. Welsh comes out.

WELSH: What have you got?
DEWEY: We found a pay stub under his mattress.
HUEY: The Illinois Lake Freight company.
DEWEY: The guy's been working for them a year and a half after he went down on their ship.
WELSH: [heading for the squad room] Take a lesson. That's real dedication.
DEWEY: Yep.
WELSH: [pulling a picture off the printer] Gilbert Wallace. CEO, president, and chief bottle washer, Illinois Lake Freight. I want to know everything about Mr. Wallace and his company. Everything.
HUEY: You got it, Lieutenant.

Welsh goes back to the interview room. Huey and Dewey head out again.

DEWEY: You know what?
HUEY: Hmm?
DEWEY: I think we should work together.
HUEY: We do work together.
DEWEY: No, I mean on the other stuff. Like, say, you get your drum machine, I get my One-Liner.
HUEY: Yeah?
DEWEY: You know, I do the zinger, you do the rim shot.
HUEY: Yeah, okay, so it would go, ah —
DEWEY: It would go, like, "ladies and gentlemen, my wife is so —"
HUEY: — ba-dum tss, like that?
DEWEY: You have to wait for the joke to finish.

Oh, Huey. (Also, why is Huey wearing glasses all of a sudden?)

Scene 18

On the deck of the Whaling Yankee, Hester and the Second Superstitious Crewman have arrested Smithers and the non-skeevy crew.

SECOND SUPERSTITIOUS CREWMAN: [into a radio] Yep. We've got them all under control.
SMITHERS: I'll have you put in the stocks like I did to that Moor in the Dardanelles.

Below decks, the crew of the Whaling Yankee are bringing something up from the lake bed. Fraser and Kowalski are letting themselves down into this area on lines.

HESTER: Well, we better get a move on. If they put out a distress signal, Coast Guard'll be moving in soon. No, we got a couple of hours at least. Canadian budget cuts.
FRASER: [peeking around a corner] Some kind of salvage operation.
HESTER: Yo. [hangs up his radio, speaks to Wallace] They're not gonna go quiet.
WALLACE: No, but they will go, and this time they'll go down with their ship. What about the cops?
HESTER: Lying on the bottom.

Fraser has a hand to his ear, trying to eavesdrop on this conversation.

KOWALSKI: What are they saying?
FRASER: They're out of my range. We're going to have to try to get closer.
KOWALSKI: Why? Why are we even on this tub in the first place? There we were, having a leisurely swim, doing the bloom-close, bloom-close —
FRASER: Shh, shh. [A ghost crew member goes by.] I think we can divert him if I, on the count of three — [Kowalski decks the guy with one punch.] — or — well, yeah. Do it your way. [He opens a barrel and pokes at the substance on the cap.]
KOWALSKI: What are you doing?
FRASER: Checking the cargo.
KOWALSKI: It's oil. [Fraser tastes the oil on his finger, then spits it out.] What, you found something you can't eat?
FRASER: It's oil laced with PCBs. Probably from discarded transformers.
KOWALSKI: You can taste all that?
FRASER: Well, naturally I try to keep informed of threats to the environment.
KOWALSKI: Well, naturally.
FRASER: Come on.

We've talked about PCBs before. I don't know if Fraser would be able to taste them in crude oil—strike that, I don't know if a normal person would be able to taste them in crude oil—but here we are.

Scene 19

Welsh is pacing in his office and summing up.

WELSH: All right, we got a gold robbery. Then we have the freight company. And we got a real dead guy, map carved on chest, could-be pirate, down in the basement. We got a crew made up of the undead. Now, can you tell me how this stuff possibly fits together?
THATCHER: [heads out, pensive, to where Turnbull is doing phone calls] Let's start with the pirate.
WELSH: Patch, hook, he's got everything.
THATCHER: I see your progress leaves something to be desired, Constable.
TURNBULL: [surrounded by paper cups of water; phone receiver tied to his head] Well, with only four numbers, sir, yes.
THATCHER: Constable, four numbers are more than sufficient to locate a — four numbers?
TURNBULL: Four tiny little ordinals. Four, seven, eight, five.
THATCHER: You said he had a map?
WELSH: Yeah, carved right in his chest.
THATCHER: It's not a phone number. It's coordinates.
WELSH: Coordinates?
THATCHER: Map coordinates! He's giving us map coordinates! We need a map.
WELSH: [to the whole squad room] Somebody get me a map!
THATCHER: Four-seven-eight-five, that's Lake Superior. Get a map of the lake!

No, Turnbull, ordinals would be fourth, seventh, eighth, fifth. What you have is four little cardinal numbers.

Sometimes I think it would be cool to have a job where you could just yell "Somebody $DO-A-THING" and everyone around would jump to it.

Anyway, Thatcher with the knowledge! 47° latitude 85° longitude is actually in eastern Kazakhstan, near the border with China, but in the circumstances it's not unreasonable for everyone to understand without specifying that they're talking about 47° latitude –85° longitude, which is indeed in Lake Superior, and on the Canadian side at that:

And everyone in the room, not to say everyone in the lake, is lucky that she knows that off the top of her head.

Scene 20

Aboard the Whaling Yankee, Fraser is tasting the contents of another barrel.

KOWALSKI: Do you have to do that?
FRASER: Very high arsenic content.
KOWALSKI: Fraser, spit it out!
FRASER: No, you know, a little bit of arsenic can't hurt you, Ray. [Someone has sneaked up behind him; Fraser punches them out without looking.] I think this entire ship is a floating toxic dump.
KOWALSKI: [rolling up a tarp covering some more cargo] This is all about garbage?
FRASER: Well, the illegal disposal of toxic waste is a lucrative criminal activity.
KOWALSKI: Does this look like garbage to you, Fraser?
FRASER: That looks like gold.

Kowalski nods.

Scene 21

Welsh, Thatcher, and Turnbull are in the morgue. She is comparing her map of Lake Superior to the map carved in Billy Butler's chest.

MORT: If it would make things easier for you, I could slice the map right off his chest.
THATCHER: That might help.
TURNBULL: Mmph. [swoons right to the floor]
WELSH: Is he all right?
THATCHER: With Turnbull, one can never tell. [just before Mort starts cutting] Wait! Here! Here it is.
WELSH: The map coordinates?
THATCHER: There. Almost the same place. That's near Sam Thorne's detachment headquarters. We can secure resources there.
WELSH: The open waters are calling me back.
THATCHER: You were a sailor?
WELSH: My uncle worked the lake boats. The sea is my genetic destiny. Shape up! We're shipping out.
MORT: ♫ Ho yo-ho! Ho yo-ho! ♫

I didn't see any X marking the spot on Butler's chest map or anything, but whatever, our secondary heroes are solving the case, which is what's important.

Scene 22

Fraser and Kowalski are creeping around amid the hazmat barrels on the Whaling Yankee.

SECOND SUPERSTITIOUS CREWMAN: Hey, what's going on?
WALLACE: Cops got John Thomas.
HESTER: Can we get to him?
WALLACE: Dumb play.
SECOND SUPERSTITIOUS CREWMAN: Be kinda fun to shoot him, though.
WALLACE: Forget him. Here's the drill. We get the gold out, set the charges in the cargo, blow the hold, and move on. By the time the cops figure out what's happening, we'll be just another shipwreck.
SECOND SUPERSTITIOUS CREWMAN: Yeah, that's going to take some time.
WALLACE: Then you better get a move on.
SECOND SUPERSTITIOUS CREWMAN: Okay.
FRASER: Diabolical. They're going to combine the poisons with linked explosives. The combination of arsenic, oil, PCBs — well, it could lead to an ecological disaster of unimaginable proportions. You see, Ray, this, this vessel lies upcurrent of Six Fathom Shoal. [He doesn't see Kowalski wander off.] And a toxic spill here would contaminate the St. Mary's River, which is one of the most fertile spawning grounds in the entire Great Lakes, and that in turn could set off a chain reaction that could lead to — well, it could lead to the destruction of life in the entire Great Lakes sys— [He realizes he does not have Kowalski's attention.] — Ray? Ray? What are you doing?

Thank you, Constable Exposition.

KOWALSKI: [hugging the gold] The gold.
FRASER: The gold is secondary. Follow me. [Kowalski does not follow him.] Ray! [They start to sneak off somewhere else but stop when Hester comes back to direct some crew.]
HESTER: All right, let's get it done. Pallets one, three, and six, top deck. Let's go. Let me know as soon as the transfer vessel gets here.

A couple of guys—a dark-haired dude in a blue beanie and a blond dude in a grey beanie—hop down to get started moving the pallets. Fraser grabs Blue Beanie and drags him between the barrels. A couple of steps later, Grey Beanie realizes Blue Beanie isn't behind him, and when he turns around to look for him, Kowalski grabs him.

SECOND SUPERSTITIOUS CREWMAN: Yeah. Under control.
HESTER: Henderson! Thompson! Don't go to sleep on me back there, huh? Keep at it.

Fraser and Kowalski wave Henderson and Thompson's arms from behind the barrels. Hester turns back to the rest of the crew; Fraser and Kowalski move among the barrels dressed in Henderson and Thompson's clothes. Another crewman comes along and finds Henderson and Thompson where Fraser and Kowalski left them.

CREWMAN: We got two naked seamen here!
FRASER: Roger, two naked seamen.

The rest of the crew comes running as Fraser and Kowalski keep moving away through the barrels. They find Henderson and Thompson unconscious, entirely undressed, draped over each other.

HESTER: Find these guys!

The crew hurries to find Fraser and Kowalski, who are running now. They jump up onto a yellow submarine that's been prominent in the hold this whole time. Fraser struggles to get it open.

KOWALSKI: Fraser, come on.

Fraser gets the hatch open and gets into the sub. The Second Superstitious Crewman sees them.

SECOND SUPERSTITIOUS CREWMAN: We got two bogeys.
HESTER: Where?
SECOND SUPERSTITIOUS CREWMAN: Submersible!

Fraser and Kowalski are in the submersible; the hatch closes and the thing starts to lower into the water. Hester and the Second Superstitious Crewman and at least one other guy fire handguns at it, but it appears to be armored or otherwise impervious. They use up their ammunition and it gets away, and Hester is mad.

Henderson and Thompson are common enough names, so it may not be relevant that one of the HMS Bounty mutineers was named Thompson and one of the Pitcairn Islands, where the mutineers eventually settled, is named Henderson Island.

So Fraser and Kowalski have stolen the crew members' clothes like Han and Luke stealing armor from TK-421 and the other stormtrooper who came to search the Millennium Falcon, but Han and Luke had smuggling compartments they could hide people and things in. It's fair enough for Fraser and Kowalski to have left Henderson and Thompson looking post-coitally passed out as they did, but (a) how did they get their clothes changed so fast and (b) what did they do with their own clothes? Kowalski was just wearing jeans and a quilted flannel jacket of some kind (which he took off when Fraser was teaching him to swim but got back again, apparently), but what's happened to Fraser's red tunic, jodhpurs, and boots he spent all that time wearing in and will have to replace himself if he loses them? (I was going to ask (c) why did they need Henderson and Thompson's underwear?, and then I realized who's to say Henderson and Thompson were even wearing underwear, and now I'm upset.)

Scene 23

Caption: Canada. Thatcher and Welsh are sabering their way through a wooded area.

WELSH: I thought Turnbull was supposed to be cutting this path.
THATCHER: Knowing Turnbull, he's either taken a circuitous route or gotten himself entangled with some bears.
WELSH: Bears? There are bears in these woods?
THATCHER: Fairly crawling with them, I would imagine.
WELSH: Great. Bears. [He points to some red-coated Mounties behind some trees.] Inspector, what are they doing?
THATCHER: Hiding.
WELSH: But I can see them.
THATCHER: New recruits. Although it seems they have captured Turnbull.
TURNBULL: [tied up, being run along by three baby Mounties] I congratulate you on your impressive technique.
THATCHER: It must be some kind of drill, I would imagine.

The Mounties hiding behind the trees come out yelling and surround Thatcher and Welsh.

SOMEONE SHOUTING: Identify yourselves!
THATCHER: [saluting] Inspector Meg Thatcher, Royal Canadian Mounted Police, sir!
SOMEONE SHOUTING: Meg? [She comes into the circle, a middle-aged woman with sergeant's chevrons, pistol and rifle qualifications, and four stars.] My God. I haven't seen you since — well, since the incident. What brings you to this neck of the woods?
WELSH: We have two officers in trouble.
SOMEONE SHOUTING (SERGEANT): Say no more! Follow me! Recruits, to heel!

She marches off. The baby Mounties form up in pairs and follow her, as do Thatcher and Welsh.

I'm sure Thatcher wouldn't call a sergeant, whom she outranks, "sir," if it weren't for the muscle memory of being yelled at. One is interested in this incident to which the sergeant refers, because Thatcher looks pretty uncomfortable at the mention of it.

Scene 24

Fraser and Kowalski are in the yellow submarine.

KOWALSKI: Hey, you're hogging all the room, Fraser. Can you move your leg?
FRASER: No, I can't move my leg.
KOWALSKI: Why?
FRASER: It's asleep.
KOWALSKI: Oh. [He tries to look out the windows.] You got any idea where we are?
FRASER: Well, yes, you're right behind me, and I am right in front of you.
KOWALSKI: I mean in the water.
FRASER: Oh. Well, we should be coming across Six Fathom Shoal, at which point I'll be able to navigate by dead reckoning. Well — that, that is, provided I've calculated correctly.
KOWALSKI: And if you haven't?
FRASER: Oh, well, then, we'll be hopelessly lost.
KOWALSKI: [mad] Oh, see, this is what I love about you, Fraser. That real positive, you know, everything's-going-to-work-out-fine kind of attitude. It really butters my muffin. That's —
FRASER: Thank you, Ray.
BOB FRASER: [behind Kowalski] Well, he's right, you know, son. You're too logical and dispassionate. It's too hard on him. You can't force your standards on other people. Come on, now.
KOWALSKI: What are you looking at?
FRASER: [looking at Bob] You.
KOWALSKI: Come on, keep your eyes on the road, just — looking at me, what —

Yes, thank you, Bob, what Fraser actually means is "I love you, too, Ray," and he should say it

Scene 25

Welsh and Thatcher are looking at the woodland Mounties' lakeside camp, where each recruit is standing next to a pup tent. Diefenbaker is with them as well.

WELSH: You call these resources?
SERGEANT: Atten-tion!
THATCHER: Well, there have been a few budget cuts lately. Still, Sergeant Thorne is an excellent man.
SERGEANT (THORNE): All right, recruits. We've got a real crisis on our hands —
THATCHER: Well. Woman.
THORNE: — and you'd better be prepared.
WELSH: If she's so excellent, what's she doing out here in the boonies?
THORNE: Straighten up! I want everyone ship-shape.
THATCHER: Well, she has a few idiosyncrasies. Her official performance review designation was BTC.
WELSH: BTC?
THATCHER: Big Time Crazy. [Thorne is coming toward them now.] She had a longstanding dispute with headquarters regarding the future of the force. Her position was that we should revamp and develop ourselves into a fully fledged naval power.
WELSH: Naval power?
THATCHER: Mmm.
THORNE: And why not? What's the point of having a strong federal force without a strong naval power?
THATCHER: I don't think that we need to get into that right now, Sergeant.
THORNE: Do you know what's over there? [points across the lake]
WELSH: No.
THORNE: The United States of America. That would be a foreign power. A damn big one, too.
THATCHER: We have a special relationship with the United States, Sergeant.
THORNE: Oh, sure. England and Spain get along now. But don't forget about the Spanish Armada. Think about it. If Nelson hadn't been ready, we'd all be speaking Spanish, and I have no love for romance languages! [She peers at Welsh.] You an American?
THATCHER: Lieutenant Welsh is working with me.
THORNE: I'll keep that in mind. Meanwhile, I've been assessing your situation, and what I think you need is a boat.
THATCHER: Exactly. Do you have one?
THORNE: I think I might have something that fits the bill.

She leads them to where a three-masted frigate is sailing gently across the horizon. Welsh leans forward to speak to Thatcher quietly.

WELSH: Demented.

I think I like Sgt. Thorne. If the Frasers and Frobishers and (before they went rogue) Gerrards of the RCMP are going to be all backwoods tracking experts, why not have a dedicated sailing master as well? I mean she's a little mixed up with her British naval history, the Spanish Armada having been defeated in 1588, 170 years before Lord Nelson was even born (who, as we know, contributed to the defeat of the French, but also, okay, fair enough, the Spanish).

Scene 26

In the yellow submarine, Fraser and Kowalski are getting very warm.

KOWALSKI: Look, Fraser, are we under the creek without a paddle here? Are we lost?
FRASER: No. We're not, we're not, we're not, uh —
KOWALSKI: Just admit it, Fraser. We're lost.
FRASER: No, we're not, we're not lost.
KOWALSKI: Admit. It.
FRASER: All right! We're lost.
KOWALSKI: Okay! Thank you. [nods to the left] Go that way.
FRASER: Why?
KOWALSKI: I got a feeling. It, it, it, it's a hunch, it's a feeling. Go that way.
FRASER: Yeah, but there's absolutely no reason why, why —
KOWALSKI: Look, Fraser, just this once! Just this once. I trust you every single time, every single time I gotta trust you. Just once, you trust me. Go that way.
BOB FRASER: Do it, son.
FRASER: Yeah, but if we —
KOWALSKI: No ifs, ands, or buts. Just —
BOB FRASER: Buck Frobisher and I didn't speak for three years. Then there we were, face to face across the raging waters of the Nahanni River, criminals bearing down on us. He had a rope, I had a grappling hook. The only route to safety was to meet in the middle. Gotta trust your partner, son. Otherwise, nothing will go right.
FRASER: [looks to the left] That way?
KOWALSKI: [nods] Yeah. That way.
FRASER: All right.

Fraser turns left.

I'm not terribly interested in why Bob and Buck fell out, but it's vaguely interesting that they'd have been in a position where they had to work together to save each other's lives if it had been that long since they'd even spoken to each other. Here's the Nahanni River:

Anyway, it's not that Fraser is wrong to say there's no particular reason to go the way Kowalski wants to go, but I think the weakness in his argument is, he doesn't actually have a reason not to. So why not go with one of Ray's hunches? It's worked for him before.

Scene 27

Back at the lakeside, Thorne is reviewing her troops.

THORNE: Attention! Suck in that gut, cadet! Shoulders back! Head up! Don't look at me. What are you looking at? Don't look at me! [She looks in his tent.] You call this shipshape? I've seen tighter sheets in a whorehouse. No slacking off. Look around you. [They look around.] Attention! [They snap back to attention.] The man beside you may not be coming back. We're going to see some real action today. Men will bleed. We're going to see some real steaming guts before this day is over. This may be your only chance to die for your country! Or at least be maimed or dismembered. Don't blow it!

The ship, the Bounty, heaves into view with Mounties in the rigging. Some folks are climbing up ladders; Thorne is walking along the deck. Turnbull is scanning the horizon.

A SAILOR MOUNTIE: Nothing, Captain!
ANOTHER SAILOR MOUNTIE: Nothing on the port bow, sir!
THORNE: Anything?
MOUNTIE IN THE CROW'S NEST: All clear here!

Welsh and Thatcher stand at the railings.

I can't tell if this Bounty is the Bounty, the replica of HMS Bounty that was built for Mutiny on the Bounty (1962) and appeared in half a dozen movies before she sank in Hurricane Sandy in 2012, or just some other ship with "Bounty" painted on her hull. (The credits shout out both Canadian Mariner and Seaway Queen, both of which played the roles of freighters in this episode; there's not a syllable said about what ship played the role of the Bounty.)

Scene 28

In the sub, Fraser has a headset on and is listening to pings on the radar.

KOWALSKI: What is it?
FRASER: I think it's a vessel, but I don't think it's a freighter. Judging from the shape and its displacement, I think it's — oh, my God. [He takes off the cans.] I don't believe this, Ray. Prepare to surface.

I don't believe we have ever heard Fraser use language as strong as "oh my God" before. . . . Okay, no, he called Gerrard a son of a bitch right to his face, so it's not that his mouth has always been squeaky clean. But seriously, was anyone else as surprised as I just was to hear him say "oh, my God" rather than "great Scott"?

Scene 29

On board the Bounty, the Mountie in the crow's nest points.

MOUNTIE IN THE CROW'S NEST: Captain! Unidentified submersible off the port bow!

Thatcher and Welsh run to look where the crow's nest guy is pointing. Thorne and Turnbull are there too. The submersible opens, and Fraser emerges from the hatch and waves.

FRASER: Ahoy, Bounty!
THATCHER: It's Fraser!
WELSH: All right!

Welsh offers Turnbull a high five, but Turnbull doesn't get it, and Welsh shakes his hand instead.

So Fraser apparently knew that there was a tall ship Bounty on Lake Superior? Because otherwise, even if what he was surprised by was that this non-freighter what-sort-of-vessel-have-we-found-on-the-radar object was in the water with them, how could he have guessed what name to call her by when they came to the surface?

Scene 30

Meanwhile, back at the police station in Chicago, Thomas is still sweating in the interview room.

THOMAS: How much more of this do I have to listen to?
FRANCESCA: Until you cough up, spill the jellybeans, sing like a teabird, talk like a puppet.
THOMAS: Talk like a puppet? What does that mean?
HUEY: It means that we know you were in on the robbery.
DEWEY: And Illinois Lake Freight is behind it.
FRANCESCA: Why don't you just tell us, Johnny? Spill your guts, 'cause if you don't, I'm going to keep talking to you until you're pink in the face.
THOMAS: Pink?
FRANCESCA: Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to broil you, baby. I'm going to give you the second degree, and if you don't believe me, ask them, 'cause I can keep talking longer than an attorney.
DEWEY: Even longer.
FRANCESCA: So, beef butt —
THOMAS: All right! All right, all right, I'll talk. It's like you said. We did the robbery for Wallace.
DEWEY: What about the boat and the sailors?
THOMAS: Ah, we blew the reserve and put the gold onto a Hercules. Flew north to a small strip in Manitoba, but flying low, under the radar. We hit a squall, went into Superior just off of Six Fathom Shoal.
FRANCESCA: Yeah? Come on!
THOMAS: We been trying to bring it up ever since. But it's not easy. We had to make a mini Bermuda Triangle. That's where Wallace got the idea for the ghost ship. Dress up like the Robert Mackenzie, he said, and scare everybody off.

I think I'd like it if when Thomas said "Talk like a puppet? What does that mean?" Francesca had said "I'm asking the questions here, [nonsensical epithet]." Ah well. Bygones. (A Hercules is a transport aircraft that can use unprepared runways for takeoff and landing, so it would be a good plane to load with something you were trying to steal and then fly somewhere nobody could find you.)

We're about 75 minutes into a 90-minute two-parter, so it makes sense that this is where the summing-up is about to begin. But knowing now that this was where we were going with the Mackenzie storyline, holy shit, yes, it was right to make something up rather than use the Edmund Fitzgerald.

Scene 31

On the deck of the Bounty, Welsh is on the phone. Fraser comes by, in full uniform—complete with his stars and marksmanship qualifications—with some rolled-up charts under his arm, and joins Thatcher and Thorne.

FRASER: Thank you for the uniform, sir.
THORNE: My pleasure, Constable.
FRASER: [nods to her uniform] The sword is a unique addition.
THORNE: An essential modification for naval duty.
TURNBULL: [talking to Kowalski] Pah. Completely unacceptable. It's a violation to the uniform. Using recruits to build a boat is one thing, but tampering with the uniform? I'm sorry, but I must put my foot down —
THATCHER: [walking by] Thank you, that'll be enough, Constable.
THORNE: [also walking by] Piss off.

Welsh joins Fraser and Thatcher and Thorne where Fraser is about to unroll his charts.

WELSH: Jack and Dewey moved in on Illinois Lake Freight. Looks like you were right, they're dumping massive quantities of toxic waste on consignment. That's how they financed the Federal Reserve job.
FRASER: Thank you for that expository information, sir. Has there been any word from the Coast Guard?
WELSH: Still more than three hours away.
FRASER: All right, it's up to us, then.
KOWALSKI: Fraser, why is it always up to us?
FRASER: [ignores him, turns to Thorne] How quickly do you think you can get us there, sir?
THORNE: Full sails, good wind . . . thirty-three minutes and seventeen seconds. We have a full complement of cannon. Our men have been doing gunnery drills for weeks. We're in fighting trim. Just give the word.
FRASER: [to Thatcher] Sir, as ranking officer?
THATCHER: [looks up at the rigging] Set the sails!
THORNE: [rolls her eyes, turns to the boatswain] Set the topsail.
BOATSWAIN: Aye-aye, sir. Set the topsail!

Mounties clamber up the rigging and unfurl at least a couple of sails.

First of all, "Thank you for that expository information"?, Fraser, you can shove that up your — secondly, I'm with Kowalski, why is it always up to them? But thirdly, I have so many questions about the relative positions of the various watercraft right now. The Henry Allen sank at 47°N 85°W (which is, by the way, according to Google Maps, practically on top of the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald). The Whaling Yankee was within about half a mile of it at the time, and either not moving (or not moving much) or coming toward the Henry Allen's last position, or else Fraser and Kowalski could have swum for it forever and never got there. So let's assume that when they came aboard, the Whaling Yankee was also at or near 47°N 85°W. That appears to be very approximately 10 miles (or, apparently, about 8.7 nautical miles) from land, a largely undeveloped area of western Ontario that is nevertheless crossed by the Trans-Canada Highway, where it's safe to assume Thatcher and everybody boarded the Bounty. Fraser and Kowalski were in that wee submersible heading . . . some direction or other, just away from the Whaling Yankee, though if they'd been thinking about it the smart thing would have been to face east or south, if they could find it, so they'd hit land as soon as possible. Anyway, the fanciest modern submersibles apparently max out at about 20 knots, so I don't guess that yellow thing Fraser was driving could probably manage more than, what, five knots? Maybe ten at the outside? So they'd have to have been going full speed for at least a couple of hours to get to where the Bounty, sitting at anchor, could see them. (Actually longer, because they were going for long enough to get sweaty and argue about it before they turned left and started traveling toward the Bounty in the first place.) And now it sounds like Fraser is asking Thorne to sail the Bounty to 47°N 85°W, figuring the Whaling Yankee will be right where they left her? Top speed for a sailing ship of that size is apparently about 14 knots, so Thorne thinks they're about seven-ish nautical miles away, which lines up with my extremely scientific estimates (measuring how many widths of my thumb fit on my screen between the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald and the Coppermine Point Lighthouse). Even though the Whaling Yankee could probably pull 15 knots and would, if her crew had any sense, be doing so and in the opposite direction. Not that they have any suspicion the Bounty is after them—although they do know Fraser and Kowalski got away in the submersible, so they no longer think the cops are at the bottom of the lake and they're safe.

My point is basically: Huh?!

Also, how handy for Fraser that Thorne happened to have a uniform in storage on her ship, including boots, in exactly his size and specifications. 🙄

Scene 32

Fraser, for some reason, rather than any member of the actual crew, is at the Bounty's wheel.

BOB FRASER: Them as what dies will be the lucky ones.
FRASER: What are you talking about?
BOB FRASER: Wooden ships and iron men. Oh, it's good to be back at sea again, son.
FRASER: You've never been at sea, Dad.

Then how was he good enough friends with Captain Smithers for the latter to teach young Benton his first knot?

BOB FRASER: Well, I've been contemplating a cruise. Roll of the waves, glare of the sun, the exhilaration of the wind, dinner with the captain, Polynesians. [Fraser looks at him like he's lost the plot.] It's romance. This is romance! It's got the feel of romance about it, son!

Music cue: "Czardas" by Leahy (instrumental). Thorne is supervising some crew Mounties hauling a line—led by Welsh, in his undershirt with the sleeves rolled up.

WELSH: Heave!
CREW: Ho!
WELSH: Heave!
CREW: Ho!
WELSH: Heave!
CREW: Ho!
THORNE: Hey, Yank.
WELSH: What?
THORNE: You got something of the sea about you.
WELSH: I used to work the lake boats with my uncle.
THORNE: I thought so. You got a good spine.

Kowalski is walking on the deck talking to a pretty blonde Mountie with no stars on her sleeve.

PRETTY BLONDE MOUNTIE: Time to go.
KOWALSKI: Illinois?
PRETTY BLONDE MOUNTIE: Chicago.

The sun is beginning to set. Fraser is holding onto the outside of the ship's railing, talking to Thatcher, who is on the deck.

THATCHER: Fraser, I, uh —
FRASER: Sir?
THATCHER: I'm glad you're alive. [She claps him on the arm as she walks off; he loses his grip and gets tangled in some netting.]

Diefenbaker is trotting along the deck as another dog, maybe a border collie of some kind, goes by the other way. Diefenbaker stops, turns around, and follows her.

Turnbull is talking to the boatswain.

TURNBULL: Put it down to the effects of wind and sail. But let me tell you something: I find you an incredibly impressive young man.

Welsh takes Thorne's hat off her head and begins to lean toward her. Fraser and Thatcher kiss. Kowalski and the pretty blonde Mountie are making out. Turnbull and the boatswain are arm wrestling. Diefenbaker nuzzles the border collie.

FRASER: How very odd. It's high noon, and the sun is setting.
BOB FRASER: Ah, that's romance, son.

Bob Fraser is at the wheel of the Bounty now.

🤦‍♀️

Okay all right I'll stay here for a couple of minutes to say: I'm tired of Fraser and Thatcher, and I'm cranky about the soft homophobia of snickering over Turnbull and the boatswain and making them arm wrestle in a "romance" montage where everyone else gets to put their face on someone they at least like the look of. (I mean, these are not burgeoning Relationships, because as we've observed Fraser and Thatcher are Never Going To Happen and all the other "couples" have only been acquainted for about six minutes of our time or about an hour of theirs.) I can't really tell what Kowalski and the blonde Mountie are talking about; her line "Time to go" is my best guess, and other than that they're just saying place names, right? How does Fraser get from the wheel where he was talking with Bob to the outside of the railing? And are Welsh and Turnbull going to throw themselves at their respective interlocutors in full view of the whole rest of the ship's crew? It's really only Diefenbaker and the border collie who are exhibiting any kind of discretion.

Or are they? If the sun is setting even though it's noon, is this montage even really happening or is it all in someone's imagination? Of course Fraser is with Thatcher and Kowalski is with a pretty young woman who's really kind of taking charge of that kiss to get some distance from the fact that the last mouths Fraser and Kowalski had their mouths on were each other's. This is true whether the events of the montage happened or whether they didn't. But because of the weird timing of the sunset and Bob Fraser rattling on about romance, I feel like this whole brief sequence is happening in Fraser's office closet, if you see what I mean.

Scene 33

The Whaling Yankee is cutting through the water.

RADAR OPERATOR: Sir, we've got something big moving toward us. But I can't pick up an engine.
WALLACE: Uncover the gun. Whatever it is, we'll blow it out of the water.

Thirty-two down on the Robert Mackenzie!

The crew of the Whaling Yankee run and uncover their cannon.

I'm absolutely not an expert, but I don't feel like that's how radar works? That is, your radio wave will bounce back to you and you can tell a thing's size, but that's about all you can tell? Not whether it has an engine or not?

Scene 34

On the Bounty, Thorne is at the tiller with Thatcher and Welsh. Kowalski is unhappy.

KOWALSKI: Come on! I don't like this. They got a big metal ship and we got this little wooden boat.
THORNE: We have the advantage of surprise.
KOWALSKI: But they can see us coming. [Turnbull pukes over the side of the ship.]
FRASER: Well, Ray, imagine yourself at sea, and suddenly you find yourself set upon by members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and the Chicago Police Department in a vessel that is a replica of the HMS Bounty. Wouldn't you be surprised?
KOWALSKI: It depends.
FRASER: Depends on what?
KOWALSKI: On if I could see you coming.
THORNE: The time is upon us. Inspector?
THATCHER: Give the word, Captain.
THORNE: Battle stations!

Thirty-two down on the Robert Mackenzie!

Battle stations montage. Music cue: "Robert Mackenzie" by Paul Gross. Thatcher and Welsh are rolling a cannon into place.

THATCHER: Put your back into it, Lieutenant. Seconds count when we're in combat.

She said "leftenant," which she usually doesn't. She looks at her watch while Turnbull muzzle-loads the cannon. Elsewhere on the ship, Thorne calls an order and someone else responds to it.

TURNBULL: Gun is ready, sir.
THATCHER: Eight seconds. Not bad, Turnbull.
TURNBULL: Thank you, sir.
WELSH: You know how to do this?
THATCHER: Standard training. Run it out! [They move the next cannon into position.] You never know when a ceremonial canon might need to be fired.

From the Whaling Yankee, the Bounty can be seen coming into view.

WALLACE: Come on, come on, what are you —
RADAR OPERATOR: They're right behind us, coming up hard.

Wallace goes to look. On the deck of the Bounty, Thorne is shouting orders.

THORNE: Ready the port guns! Trim the topsail! Steady on the helm, crewman!

Fraser and Kowalski come along. They both have satchels over their shoulders and carry grappling hooks and cables.

FRASER: Ready?
KOWALSKI: Ah, no, not exactly —
FRASER: Good luck.

Fraser walks off. Kowalski is annoyed but follows him.

A GUNNER: Aft guns ready, sir!
THORNE: Port elevation! [steps to the railing with her saber drawn]
ANOTHER MOUNTIE: Elevation gun!

Fraser and Kowalski are climbing the rigging on opposite sides of the ship's waist.

ANOTHER GUNNER: Port guns ready, sir!
THORNE: Fire when your guns bear!
THATCHER: Fire on the peak of the roll, Lieutenant. That way we'll get more height.
THORNE: Fire!

Thirty-two men on a Great Lakes boat
Quit the pier at Thunder Bay
Twenty-eight thousand tons of coal
On a cold November day

The two ships exchange fire. Turnbull holds his ears. Guys on the Whaling Yankee are scurrying around.

Eight hundred feet and ten more long
Eighty feet across
The steel mills of Detroit
Our destination through the frost

The Bounty's cannonballs are landing on the deck of the Whaling Yankee. The Bounty is coming about; the gun crews are reloading.

At two a.m. on the second
Waves were running up to forty feet
Winds were blowing sixty miles
Our engines cranking heat

Crews with grappling hooks are getting ready. The Bounty is coming alongside the Whaling Yankee, which is about five times her size.

THORNE: Stand by to board! Have your small arms ready!

Fraser aims his harpoon gun. He and Kowalski nod at each other.

At three-thirteen we took a wave
Our wheelhouse left behind

FRASER: Now!

He and Kowalski fire their hooks.

The radar slipped beneath the waves
And we were running blind

Fraser gets ready to zipline down to the deck of the Whaling Yankee, a smoke bomb in his other hand.

Hear me call across the waves
If I don't come home tonight
I will make it home some day

The deck crew throw their grappling hooks in unison. Fraser and Kowalski both zip down with smoke bombs.

Steel boats, iron men
Thirty-two down on the Robert Mackenzie!
Steel boats, iron men
Thirty-two down on the Robert Mackenzie!
Steel boats, iron men
Thirty-two down on the Robert Mackenzie!

Fraser and Kowalski land, get free of their zipline harnesses, and fling smoke bombs around the place. They scramble across the deck of the Whaling Yankee.

A captain name of Phillips
Seekin' shelter from the storm

The crew of the Bounty is busily hauling the Whaling Yankee to. Turnbull gets tangled in the rigging and hangs upside down by his ankles.

TURNBULL: I'll be — I'll be right —

Turned us south of Bete Grise Bay
By way of Keweenaw Point
But the wind was blowing at such a rate
We ended up driftin' north
A wave broke over a knife of rock
Six Fathom Shoal

Wallace, Hester, and the Second Superstitious Crewman run.

FRASER: It's Wallace. He's heading for the cargo hold.
KOWALSKI: Right behind you.
FRASER: Ready?
KOWALSKI: Go!

Mackenzie, she was cut in half
The stern, she rammed the bow
Men were caught in metal jaws
Flames burned out of hell

Fraser and Kowalski chase the three baddest baddies into the ship. Another crewman tries to stop them, and Fraser punches him in the face and carries on.

Stern kept runnin' all her lights ablaze
Not one man would be found
Captain's last transmission read,
"Thirty-two men down,
thirty-two men down."

Thorne has boarded the Whaling Yankee as well. A crewman is about to jump her from behind but she punches him down with barely any effort.

THORNE: Ed! Ed Ironbottom Smithers! You still breathing?

Smithers is bound and gagged, but he points to the guy Thorne just decked, who is back on his feet with a gun in his hand. He fires four shots at her, all of which she parries with her saber, and then she punches him in the face again and he stays down. She pulls Smithers's gag and gets a knife out of her boot to cut the ropes tying his hands.

SMITHERS: I'll slice 'em from gob to gizzard, stern to sternum! I'll disassemble them the way I did that Moor — hey. [He grins at her.] You've gained weight.
THORNE: You too. Suits you.
SMITHERS: Yeah.

Steel boats, iron men
Thirty-two down on the Robert Mackenzie!

Thatcher is creeping along the deck. A Whaling Yankee crewman is coming along around an adjacent corner. She kicks the gun out of his hand, and while he is surprised, Welsh comes out of nowhere and punches him in the jaw. She kicks him again and he goes over the side.

Steel boats, iron men
Thirty-two down on the Robert Mackenzie!

WELSH: Nice leg!
THATCHER: Nice arm!
WELSH: Big boat.

Steel boats, iron men
Thirty-two down on the Robert Mackenzie!

Fraser and Kowalski are back in the good old cargo hold, sneaking around among the hazmat barrels. Fraser points one direction; Kowalski does another pointing-both-ways hand gesture; Fraser nods. They go opposite directions.

Yes, we see what you did there, the boys are back to communicating well, etc. etc. Even though you're hitting us over the head with it, it makes me happy.

Fraser finds a line and follows it to an explosive charge. He disconnects it and realizes Hester is sneaking up on him with a fire axe in his hand. Fraser hops up and grapples with him, taking away the axe; Hester pulls a handgun instead.

FRASER: You should lower your weapon and surrender.
HESTER: Maybe I should just feed you to the fishes.
FRASER: Andy Calhoon oblique-stroke Vic Hester, you are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent.
HESTER: Am I missing something here?
FRASER: Only that I have a partner who should be showing up just about now.
KOWALSKI: Hi.

Hester turns toward the sound of Kowalski's voice, and Kowalski punches him in the face. Fraser catches his gun as he drops it on his way down.

FRASER: Thanks for coming, Ray.
KOWALSKI: I was in the neighborhood.
FRASER: Here's the gun.
KOWALSKI: Why don't you carry it?
FRASER: I don't have a permit.
KOWALSKI: Well, you don't have to shoot it, you can just carry it.
FRASER: Oh. Right.

Fraser keeps the gun as they both keep creeping around the area. They find another couple of charges and start to disconnect them.

KOWALSKI: Yeah, this is the one.
SECOND SUPERSTITIOUS CREWMAN: [looming over a barrel at them] Take your hands away from the device and stand up.

Kowalski stands up slowly. Fraser stays hidden, reaching for Hester's gun in the back of his belt.

KOWALSKI: It's me. Uh, still lost. You see, I've been drinking more and looking for the, the commode. [Fraser pops up and throws the gun at the Second Superstitious Crewman. It hits him in the face.]
SECOND SUPERSTITIOUS CREWMAN: Ow! [Down he goes.]
KOWALSKI: You shoot a gun. Who in the hell throws a gun?
FRASER: Well, I told you, Ray, I don't have a permit. Aside from which — [He resumes disconnecting the explosives.] — we are still technically in United States waters, although at the rate of drift — [He checks his watch.] — I think we should be entering Canadian waters in approximately eighty-three seconds. Ready?

They pull the plugs on the chargers.

WALLACE: You're both very clever. [They look around to see where his voice is coming from.] Unfortunately, it's all for nothing. [Fraser gestures to Kowalski and goes off in one direction. Kowalski follows him.] This hold is rigged with a dozen charges, and I carry the detonator. I push it, breach the hull, and you spend the rest of time in the bottom of the lake.
KOWALSKI: You'll go down as well. [Fraser does an elaborate communicative gesture. Kowalski nods.]
WALLACE: Maybe. Maybe not.
KOWALSKI: [going off in a different direction] I suppose you got some sort of escape pod kind of thing or something.
WALLACE: You might say that. [He looks around; he isn't positive where they are, either. He thinks he may see them between some barrels. Kowalski definitely sees him, but he doesn't have a good shot.] You should have let this one go, Mountie. Hell, I didn't make the stuff. I'm just taking out some garbage for some lazy companies who are paying me good money. If I wouldn't have done it, somebody else would have. [He's moving around, staying out of what he thinks is Fraser's line of sight.]
FRASER: [He and Kowalski are both moving around opposite sides of the hold.] You systematically polluted the Great Lakes for your own profit, planned a gold robbery, and murdered six men in the process. In a final act of viciousness, you're going to sink a toxin-laden ship, causing untold damage and destruction. [Fraser and Kowalski can see each other clearly now; they do an eye-contact communication while Fraser is speaking to Wallace.] And for that you must face justice.
WALLACE: [Fraser and Kowalski continue to signal to each other while Wallace speaks. Fraser makes one sign; Kowalski shakes his head like a pitcher who doesn't want to throw a sinker.] I hate to tell you this, but justice and me are never going to be great pals. I hope you enjoy your stay at the bottom of the big lake they call Gitche Gumee. [Fraser makes a different sign; Kowalski thinks about it and nods.] Me? I'm going to be in the South Pacific.
FRASER: [looking at his watch] Possibly. But right now, my friend — [He nods to Kowalski, who nods back.] — you're in the Dominion of Canada.

Fraser pushes down the barrels he's been hiding behind. The instrumental refrain of "Robert Mackenzie" comes up again. Fraser jumps up onto the barrels as Kowalski tosses him Hester's gun; he catches it and, as Wallace is about to reach a rack of diving suits, shoots the faceplates out of their helmets one at a time. It is utterly ridiculous and somehow still manages to be hot as hell. With his fourth shot, Fraser shoots the detonator out of Wallace's hand, which falls into the water. He jumps off his barrels. Kowalski jumps off his own barrels. Wallace jumps into the water after the detonator.

FRASER: [as he and Kowalski cross paths] Bring up the net. [Kowalski pulls the lever, and the net comes up with Wallace in it like a tuna.] This vessel sits above the wreck of the Robert Mackenzie. Brave men lie below us in these waters, men whose names and reputations you used. This is their graveyard. You didn't think they'd let you get away with it, did you?

He hands Kowalski the gun.

Okay, "Andy Calhoon oblique-stroke Vic Hester" is funny.

But I mean, I don't know what else to tell you. "Right now, my friend, you're in the Dominion of Canada" is such an odd flex, and yet the next minute or so is so good. It's good enough that I'll forgive them for the following things:

• As I said 47°N 85°W is already in Canadian waters, so they shouldn't have needed to wait.
• The six men Wallace murdered in the process of all his dastardly deeds were the six guards killed in the robbery at the Federal Reserve bank, who were mentioned precisely once before and it took me forever even to remember that.
• I'd like it if Fraser had caught the gun a little less awkwardly, but I get that there wasn't room in the shot as it was composed for him to catch it with his arm outstretched, and who knows how many takes they took and decided this was the best one.

I think this is only the second time (after "The Wild Bunch") that we've seen Fraser fire a gun, and we should have known that even in Canada he'd prefer to shoot to inconvenience rather than shoot to kill or even to wound. Bones s4 e10 "The Passenger in the Oven" has a moment where Booth has to hurry and get someone arrested before a plane lands, and he reads the Miranda warning as fast as he can and finishes "can and will be used against you in a court of law because this is the United States of America" just before the wheels touch down, which is cool in those circumstances, and Fraser swaggering out from behind those barrels and catching the gun in midair and then not shooting Wallace with it is cooler than that.

I don't know, maybe I'm still just enjoying our heroes getting their groove back. The communication! The fact that Kowalski said no and Fraser didn't override him but changed the call until he found one they could both work with! ❤️❤️❤️

The lake they call Gitche Gumee is Lake Superior, whose name is ᐊᓂᐦᔑᓈᐯ ᑭᒋᑲᒥ Anishinaabe gichigami 'Anishinaabe's great sea' in Ojibwe. Longfellow spelled it "Gitche Gumee," and then Lightfoot sang about "the big lake they call Gitche Gumee," so that's what the line is doing here, but (a) in real life the /u/ vowel is a mystery and (b) all five of the Great Lakes are gichigamiin 'great seas,' whose proper Indigenous names are

• Anishinaabe gichigami (Superior)
• Ininwewi gichigami Illinois' great sea (Michigan)
• Naadowewi gichigami Iroquois' great sea (Huron, of which the northern part is Waaseyaagami wiikwed 'Shining Waters bay,' known in English as Georgian Bay)
• Waabishkiigoo gichigami neutral great sea (Erie)
• Niigani gichigami leading great sea (Ontario)

Also, I say again: It would have been extremely wrong to use the Edmund Fitzgerald in this episode, with or without the Gordon Lightfoot song—it would in fact have been using the crew's names and reputations for their own purposes, as Fraser points out Wallace has done to the crew of the Robert Mackenzie—and I'm glad they went the other way with that decision.

Scene 35

Captain Smithers is at the helm of the Bounty.

SMITHERS: Ah, yes, it feels good to have a wooden deck beneath my feet again. Reminds me of the time I circumnavigated the globe with only the stars to guide me.
BOB FRASER: And a bottle of rum.
SMITHERS: Aye, of course, a bottle of rum. Always the rum. Who said that?

Welsh and Thorne are walking on the deck arm in arm.

THORNE: Maybe we should take a swing around the lake before we go back. Shell something on the American side.
WELSH: I'll break your jaw.
THORNE: I'll break yours first.

They pass by Turnbull talking to the boatswain, who is standing at attention not reacting to him.

TURNBULL: An officer lacks discipline. How about you? Do you lack discipline?
THATCHER: Fraser.
FRASER: Sir.
THATCHER: Your one-zero-nine-eight-nine-B report.
FRASER: Ah, yes, sir. Well, as soon as we reach port, I'll, ah, I'll be able to file —
THATCHER: I don't think we need to worry about it.
FRASER: We don't need to worry about my one-zero-nine-eight-nine-B report, sir?
THATCHER: [tiny shrug] Just this once.
FRASER: Thank you, sir.

She walks off. Kowalski walks up. He and Fraser look at each other for an uncomfortable moment. Fraser takes off his hat and goes to lean against the ship's railing. Kowalski comes and stands next to him and they both look out across the water. They mainly don't look at each other while they're speaking; each time one turns to look at the other, the other looks away.

KOWALSKI: So. Transfer. You thought about it?
FRASER: Well, it would be the logical career move.
KOWALSKI: I know. That's, that's what I think. That's what my instinct tells me.
BOB FRASER: Buck Frobisher and I stood across from each other on the banks of that river, and — and we knew, without even speaking, we knew we'd come to the same conclusion, that sometimes you just have to make a leap, son. Sometimes you just have to leap.
FRASER: Thank you.
KOWALSKI: For what?
FRASER: Well, I realize that logic doesn't always work.
KOWALSKI: I know. And I realize that going on instinct doesn't always work, either.
FRASER: No. No, so . . .
KOWALSKI: You gonna take the transfer?
FRASER: I don't think so. You?
KOWALSKI: Me? No.
FRASER: All right. So we're — we're still, uh —
KOWALSKI: I think.
FRASER: Okay.
KOWALSKI: Good.
FRASER: Right you are.

They turn around and lean back against the railing, with the sun setting behind them, and they finally look at each other and smile.

Despite the Afterschool Special nature of this final conversation—from now on, Fraser will go with his gut more often and Kowalski will think things through!—it's good that our heroes have confirmed they're going to stay put for now. Fraser may be homesick, but Ottawa wouldn't really scratch that itch for him, would it? Everything would be (a) clean and (b) in the metric system, but otherwise how would it be better than living in Chicago, where at least he knows a handful of people, some of whom like him? (Some of whom may even like him a lot, if that's how you're reading Kowalski.) And on what basis does Kowalski think he could get his own life and his own name back if he takes the transfer out of the 27th precinct to anywhere else he wants to go in the department, which was offered to him in a letter addressed to Ray Vecchio? In short, neither of them would gain anything by taking their respective transfers, and they'd lose each other, which even if all they are is each other's best friend, is a lot to lose. So the decisions to turn the transfer down is sensible on both their parts.

I note that Welsh may still have a brief future with Thorne, but Turnbull is getting exactly nowhere with the boatswain and whatever was between Kowalski and the blonde Mountie was wrapped up off-screen. I assume that Diefenbaker and the border collie, however, are going to enjoy as much of each other's company as they can before the Chicago and western Ontario contingents separate when the ship reaches—wherever it's going. In the final scene, the sun is setting off its starboard bow, meaning they're heading a little south of west, so they're sailing for what, Marquette, Michigan?

What has happened to Wallace and Hester and the rest of the crew of the Whaling Yankee? What has happened to the Whaling Yankee herself? Presumably the relevant Coast Guard will have arrived by then to take charge of everyone (and sorted out which Coast Guard, U.S. or Canadian, has the responsibility). But how are Fraser and Kowalski going to get back to Sault Ste. Marie and pick up the car?

Cumulative body count: 34
Red uniform: Except when he steals civvies from either Henderson or Thompson

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