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dear hiring people: hire *me!*
so, a draft of a cover letter. pick it to shreds, please.
here it is. stuff in bold face isn't actually bold-faced in the letter, of course; i've bolded it just for contrast.
[my name and address, in the top right-hand corner]
[manager person's name and address, on the left]
November 20, 2003
Dear [Manager Person]:
How fortunate for both of us that your department is in need of Data Collectors just as I find myself in need of a job.
The most salient common feature of every job I've ever held, as my resume shows, has been the retrieval and manipulation of information. (In fact this is true of both my degrees as well; my work in linguistics is in form and structure, and therefore requires a great deal of data collection and sorting of a different sort than more sociology-based, discourse-analysis-type study.) The skills I've had to cultivate have been precisely the skills you seek in a Data Collector. From my producing and administrative positions in [college theatre group] to my current grading duties and teaching assistantship, it has been important that I exhibit precision, attention to detail, and strong communicative and interpersonal skills. I actually spent a summer in high school updating a neighbor's database, making sure all the invoices, requests for quotations, and so forth in the computer system conformed to a standard to facilitate storing, sorting, and searching through this information that was vital to the business.
At [law firm where i spent three years], data collection and database maintenance was a significant (often almost the only) component of my job. In the early stages of an intellectual-property lawsuit, hundreds of thousands of pages - documents as diverse as glossy marketing brochures and handwritten notes on meeting agendas - must be examined and summarized in database form. At some point, many more pages must be entered into a separate database of privileged documents, according to a different standard for each case (according to attorneys' instructions), describing the document as completely as possible without actually revealing any privileged information. For almost two years, I managed and worked with a small army of co-workers and temporary employees to create and maintain a document collection database for a potential case; for several weeks in the summer of 2001, a handful of us worked almost around the clock to standardize and complete a privilege log on another case by the court-imposed deadline. And when documents needed clarification or we needed more information, more often than not I was the team member assigned to call - partners within the firm, colleagues at other firms, opposing counsel, clients, court clerks - and get the material sent to us, because my pleasant phone manner was demonstrated to get results.
In short, the work you do is work with which I am familiar. I look forward to a chance to meet you and discuss my qualifications. Through December, you can reach me at [phone number]; my mailing address and telephone number will change after the new year, but my e-mail address will continue to be [e-mail address].
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
[full name]
here it is. stuff in bold face isn't actually bold-faced in the letter, of course; i've bolded it just for contrast.
[my name and address, in the top right-hand corner]
[manager person's name and address, on the left]
November 20, 2003
Dear [Manager Person]:
How fortunate for both of us that your department is in need of Data Collectors just as I find myself in need of a job.
The most salient common feature of every job I've ever held, as my resume shows, has been the retrieval and manipulation of information. (In fact this is true of both my degrees as well; my work in linguistics is in form and structure, and therefore requires a great deal of data collection and sorting of a different sort than more sociology-based, discourse-analysis-type study.) The skills I've had to cultivate have been precisely the skills you seek in a Data Collector. From my producing and administrative positions in [college theatre group] to my current grading duties and teaching assistantship, it has been important that I exhibit precision, attention to detail, and strong communicative and interpersonal skills. I actually spent a summer in high school updating a neighbor's database, making sure all the invoices, requests for quotations, and so forth in the computer system conformed to a standard to facilitate storing, sorting, and searching through this information that was vital to the business.
At [law firm where i spent three years], data collection and database maintenance was a significant (often almost the only) component of my job. In the early stages of an intellectual-property lawsuit, hundreds of thousands of pages - documents as diverse as glossy marketing brochures and handwritten notes on meeting agendas - must be examined and summarized in database form. At some point, many more pages must be entered into a separate database of privileged documents, according to a different standard for each case (according to attorneys' instructions), describing the document as completely as possible without actually revealing any privileged information. For almost two years, I managed and worked with a small army of co-workers and temporary employees to create and maintain a document collection database for a potential case; for several weeks in the summer of 2001, a handful of us worked almost around the clock to standardize and complete a privilege log on another case by the court-imposed deadline. And when documents needed clarification or we needed more information, more often than not I was the team member assigned to call - partners within the firm, colleagues at other firms, opposing counsel, clients, court clerks - and get the material sent to us, because my pleasant phone manner was demonstrated to get results.
In short, the work you do is work with which I am familiar. I look forward to a chance to meet you and discuss my qualifications. Through December, you can reach me at [phone number]; my mailing address and telephone number will change after the new year, but my e-mail address will continue to be [e-mail address].
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
[full name]
no subject
If this letter is going directly to the hiring manager, I think the rest of it is fine. (If you know someone who knows the hiring manager and could make sure s/he got the letter, that would be perfect.) If it's going to HR, as someone else said, you might need to tone it down a bit... although I think a less uppity first paragraph might help the tone of the whole thing. But you don't want to make the HR person feel stupid because they don't understand all the words--they're pretty much trying to whittle down the stack of resumes, and they'll use it as an excuse to toss yours.
In the paragraph about the law firm, I know "must" is past tense, but you might want to re-word those sentences so they're more obviously correct. Having to stop and think about that threw me out of the flow.
Hope this helps. I think the information is well-organized, and you definitely demonstrate that you can do what they're looking for. I hope this comes across as clearly in your resume.
[adjusts to thinking of self as "uppity"]
salientimportanti'm not going to axe "facilitate" in favor of "enable", because i think "facilitate" is in the current crop of Silly Buzz-Words (like "interface" as a verb and "solutions" cropping up everywhere).
significantmajor?suppose i change the first sentence to "How lucky for me ..."? less "uppity", maybe, but still too flip?
Re: [adjusts to thinking of self as "uppity"]
also
cultivatedevelop