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update on various things, all of which have been frustrating in some way
first, the meta: i obviously don't like being frustrated. sadly, my nature is not, in most situations, to be patient. (i do have the knack in teaching situations, evidently. all my students, and everyone i've ever taught to drive, have said so.)
however.
i have reached a calm place where i realize -- okay, i've always known, but where i tell myself and it registers -- that most, if not all, of the things that frustrate me are not deliberate. seems obvious, but when i'm in the state where i want to yell and scream and break things, my inner monologue (prevented from becoming outer by sheer force of will, because i assure you, what i lack in patience i make up for in stubbornness) goes something like this: WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO REALIZES THAT THIS PROBLEM IS TOTALLY SOLVABLE, IF ONLY [insert name] WOULD SUCK IT UP AND [insert relatively simple action]?! GAH! IT'S SO OBVIOUS, I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE WHO REALIZES! WHICH MUST MEAN THERE'S A REASON [pronoun]'S NOT DOING IT! WHY ON EARTH WOULD [pronoun] CHOOSE NOT TO [action]? DOING IT MIGHT SUCK, BUT HAVING DONE IT WOULD BE THE BEST THING EVER! GAH! WHY DOES [pronoun] TORMENT ME LIKE THIS?!
in the calm place, of course, the logical flaw in that argument is pretty apparent. so, what i've chosen to do is, i'm to concentrate on the fact that (get this) it's hardly ever about me. (i know! shocking.) there's no point in my allowing the frustration to build to this point. it solves nothing -- in fact it solves less than nothing, because the original situation is no closer to being fixed and now i'm pissed off on top of it.
in short: serenity now! this is the part where i detach. if i suspect something will frustrate me, i will not take the first step toward trying to fix it, because the point of no return is at about step one and a half. you name it: i'm trying not to worry about it.
nowthen, work: interrupted the boss-man today as he was beginning to tell me that i don't actually get overtime because the week was shortened due to the holiday -- which is true, apart from i'm one of these tempy people. also, dude, cube farm! so i'd heard him explain the whole deal to others fifteen feet away about thirty seconds earlier. he'd have taken three minutes to tell me something that didn't apply to me, if i hadn't said "before you get going, first of all, i heard when you were telling T and R about this --" (at which point he started to say "oh, you heard when i was telling T and R about this"; i don't make up how much time the man takes to say nothing, folks) "-- and secondly, though, i don't get paid holidays." ("oh, you don't get paid holidays --") "i only get paid for the hours i work, and if i don't work, i don't get paid, which is why i came in on monday." (what i didn't add: "remember? when i asked you the friday before if it was okay to come in on monday?")
and he didn't seem to mind being interrupted! since i wasn't rude about it, i mean. it was very freeing.
so i didn't get too annoyed when M stopped by my cube with eight or nine thousand things i'd done wrong on the first however-many things i'd turned in, all of which were things i'd never been told were wrong in the first place. lots of memos i didn't get. and in one case, i was following the letter of a memo i did get, which was apparently lying and i was the only one who didn't twig to it. but. now i know, i won't have people reminding me every six minutes for the next week, and in the future it will all be better. purpose of getting annoyed at the fact that i was insufficiently trained: none! so i didn't.
next, lucius: i always get antsy when i finish something and hand it off to other people for polishing. can't be helped. but sitting here and gnawing my fingernails because other people have jobs and children and in general many things more important to do than make sure my fan fiction reads well: wow, useless. so i will detach and be serene.
and, curling: overcompensated tonight; dumped the out-turns instead of pinching them. still not calling weight very well. wish sweepers would sweep when i call them on instead of four steps later. (but they're not lagging because they know it pisses me off! so why blame them?) likelihood of success at fixing all this if approach is Get Annoyed: nil. better option: deep breath, forget about the last shot, concentrate on the next shot.
i'm thinking this is all a good plan. breathe in, breathe out, keep it in perspective, remember that nobody's doing whatever it is they're doing deliberately to make me cranky, detach, feel happier.
hopefully this will keep me further back from the brink of tears.
however.
i have reached a calm place where i realize -- okay, i've always known, but where i tell myself and it registers -- that most, if not all, of the things that frustrate me are not deliberate. seems obvious, but when i'm in the state where i want to yell and scream and break things, my inner monologue (prevented from becoming outer by sheer force of will, because i assure you, what i lack in patience i make up for in stubbornness) goes something like this: WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO REALIZES THAT THIS PROBLEM IS TOTALLY SOLVABLE, IF ONLY [insert name] WOULD SUCK IT UP AND [insert relatively simple action]?! GAH! IT'S SO OBVIOUS, I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE WHO REALIZES! WHICH MUST MEAN THERE'S A REASON [pronoun]'S NOT DOING IT! WHY ON EARTH WOULD [pronoun] CHOOSE NOT TO [action]? DOING IT MIGHT SUCK, BUT HAVING DONE IT WOULD BE THE BEST THING EVER! GAH! WHY DOES [pronoun] TORMENT ME LIKE THIS?!
in the calm place, of course, the logical flaw in that argument is pretty apparent. so, what i've chosen to do is, i'm to concentrate on the fact that (get this) it's hardly ever about me. (i know! shocking.) there's no point in my allowing the frustration to build to this point. it solves nothing -- in fact it solves less than nothing, because the original situation is no closer to being fixed and now i'm pissed off on top of it.
in short: serenity now! this is the part where i detach. if i suspect something will frustrate me, i will not take the first step toward trying to fix it, because the point of no return is at about step one and a half. you name it: i'm trying not to worry about it.
nowthen, work: interrupted the boss-man today as he was beginning to tell me that i don't actually get overtime because the week was shortened due to the holiday -- which is true, apart from i'm one of these tempy people. also, dude, cube farm! so i'd heard him explain the whole deal to others fifteen feet away about thirty seconds earlier. he'd have taken three minutes to tell me something that didn't apply to me, if i hadn't said "before you get going, first of all, i heard when you were telling T and R about this --" (at which point he started to say "oh, you heard when i was telling T and R about this"; i don't make up how much time the man takes to say nothing, folks) "-- and secondly, though, i don't get paid holidays." ("oh, you don't get paid holidays --") "i only get paid for the hours i work, and if i don't work, i don't get paid, which is why i came in on monday." (what i didn't add: "remember? when i asked you the friday before if it was okay to come in on monday?")
and he didn't seem to mind being interrupted! since i wasn't rude about it, i mean. it was very freeing.
so i didn't get too annoyed when M stopped by my cube with eight or nine thousand things i'd done wrong on the first however-many things i'd turned in, all of which were things i'd never been told were wrong in the first place. lots of memos i didn't get. and in one case, i was following the letter of a memo i did get, which was apparently lying and i was the only one who didn't twig to it. but. now i know, i won't have people reminding me every six minutes for the next week, and in the future it will all be better. purpose of getting annoyed at the fact that i was insufficiently trained: none! so i didn't.
next, lucius: i always get antsy when i finish something and hand it off to other people for polishing. can't be helped. but sitting here and gnawing my fingernails because other people have jobs and children and in general many things more important to do than make sure my fan fiction reads well: wow, useless. so i will detach and be serene.
and, curling: overcompensated tonight; dumped the out-turns instead of pinching them. still not calling weight very well. wish sweepers would sweep when i call them on instead of four steps later. (but they're not lagging because they know it pisses me off! so why blame them?) likelihood of success at fixing all this if approach is Get Annoyed: nil. better option: deep breath, forget about the last shot, concentrate on the next shot.
i'm thinking this is all a good plan. breathe in, breathe out, keep it in perspective, remember that nobody's doing whatever it is they're doing deliberately to make me cranky, detach, feel happier.
hopefully this will keep me further back from the brink of tears.