this is not fox; she's some other where. (off the clock: i'm at lunch.)

[fox]

see, now i'm out of sorts. it's funny. for two weeks the weather was crap, and i was more or less okay, if tired and run-down. but now, yesterday was nice and today is beautiful, and i'm -- not cranky, i don't think, or not my usual sort of cranky. i'm not short-tempered, not about to snap at anybody. and i'm not all the way to unhappy, like i was that one time for no reason. but:

it's been days since i've had a decent night's sleep, and even longer since i've had two nights' sleep in a row. this is partly my own fault -- i keep meaning to go to bed earlier, and then it keeps being 1:00 -- but partly not. how can it be my fault that i haven't been sleeping well? i'm too hot, or i'm too cold, or i'm twisted up into some unrelaxing knotty position, or even if i'm theoretically comfortable there's something strange going on with my pillows. it may be time for new pillows. my neck and shoulders have felt stiff for weeks.

i feel like the top couple inches of my hair is a whole different shade than the rest. that's how much would have grown in since the last time i had it colored, and saturday i had a different color process entirely -- but the girl assured me it would blend, and most of the time it looks like it did, but sometimes i look at it and think, dude.

i don't hate my job, but let's be honest: it's pretty dumb. it's certainly not especially engaging, or related at all to anything i've studied or ever been interested in. i don't dread going in, but the gig is only through july, and i'm gladder of that every day.

this cold i have will not die. i'm still taking the medicine and eating the stupid yogurt, and i'm still with the sinuses and the (sorry, but) productive cough. there's a lymph node on the left side of my throat that's still swollen.

the last bonspiel begins tonight, and i hate that i'm not looking forward to it. don't get me wrong -- i'm not wishing i weren't playing -- but the enthusiasm i usually have for curling, even when i'm heartily sick of it, has deserted me. this may be in part due to the most crack-addled draw i've ever seen. (it's been changed a good deal since yesterday, but it's still fucking nuts.)

the getting-proactive thing i was not talking about the other day. still trying to be proactive. still my usual lame, uncertain self.

i'm very excited (really, i am) about the whole oxford thing, but it also makes me really anxious. in the first place, big change always sets me on edge. but in the second place, i just got back from being away for a year and a half, and now it's all here i go again. not that i'm considering not going because i'd be leaving so much here -- see above, re: job. i mean, i do have friends here, and i can say with confidence that knowing everybody's having fun all together in one place and i'm somewhere else does make me sad and a little envious. but i think a lot of the trouble over the past couple of years was that i wasn't that far away. i could get to stuff a lot of the time, but not always -- so it was the times i couldn't get there that i was the saddest, the times that as far away as i was was just that little bit too far. in fact this taken all together was probably the single biggest cause of my loneliness (or if not the biggest, certainly second to something i can't quite articulate about how it's hard for me to strike up friendships on my own). i was close enough to where i already had friends that i didn't have anything really driving me to make many friends where i actually was; but i was far enough away from where i already had friends that i couldn't see as much of them as i'd have liked. all of which is by way of working around to: that was 120 miles. this is several thousand. i'll still regret leaving, but at least this time, when i leave, i'll really be gone.

none of these is anything that ought to have me really down, or even as down as i am. normally, when i'm not happy, i know why, and after some time or when the unhappy-making thing changes i get over it, and that's fine. on a day-to-day basis, i'm a relatively happy person. don't you think? but i don't know how to get up out of this.

i'm open to suggestions.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Poor sweetie, I think all the worries and meds and sicknesses have just worn you the fuck out. Which is natural. And you could be right, it might be time for new pillows -- have you tried sobakawa pillows? If not, could I interest you in one? We have at least one that's never been used...

If you can, if you want (yeah, I know, you've prolly got curling), stop by this weekend (with any other wonderful friend you'd like) and we'll watch videos and throw popcorn at the cat. You might just need something that non-exerting like that.

Door's always open...

terri