first parenting dilemma

[fox]

I have the opportunity to go to China for two weeks in March.

Himself can't really come with—he wouldn't be able to work—and in any event Blanziflor won't be fully vaccinated by then, at the age of not quite four months.

Part of me really wants to go. Another part doesn't know if I'll be okay being away from my four-month-old for two weeks. Your thoughts welcome.

Comments

[kass]

Do you yet have a sense for whether you plan to try nursing, or to bottle-feed with formula? Most kids aren't eating food yet by four months (I don't think we tried Z on solids until at least 4 months, possibly closer to 6), so your ability to be apart from Blanziflor may have something to do with whether or not you are the sole food source.

If you are the sole food source, you will want to ensure that B learns how to eat from a bottle as well so that your absence doesn't mean the food stops altogether. :-) I went to Vividcon when Z was about 9 months old and although I pumped assiduously while away, he got miffed with me and when I got home he refused to nurse. Fortunately by then he was eating lots of other things.

At four months in, I think we were still sleeping in 90-minute bursts. Granted, we had a particularly rough go of it, given Zaphod's colic and my postpartum depression, so our experience is probably not typical! But when Z was four months old it was all I could do to drive three hours to Boston; I would not have been capable of international travel. That said, you may have an entirely different experience. :-)

For what it's worth, in general I am in favor of moms taking time away, whether for work travel or for fun travel. Because if we are not happy and engaged and sane, then we cannot parent. But I would also say: give yourself permission to say no, either now, or right before the trip happens, if you need to. You will have just gotten through the "fourth trimester" and there is no telling what life will look like then.

[kouredios]

Two weeks is an eon, when it comes to early infancy. I wouldn't do it, personally. But I also wouldn't judge someone else who did, for the reasons Kass mentions above. When I had the opportunity to spend two weeks in Italy I did it, and the kids were 3 & 8. But I can't imagine doing it when I was still in post-baby protective mama-bear hormone mode.

*hugs* When do you have to decide by?

[antisoppist]

I'd say definitely not if you're breastfeeding and probably not if you're bottle feeding.

I breastfed and left an 18 month old for 4 days to go to a conference when the kid was only having one feed in the mornings and although he was fine, I had totally underestimated how much milk he was getting and how much I was producing and on the third night I was sleepless with pain trying to hand express rock-hard breasts into the sink in the hotel bathroom and I missed the final afternoon and came home early going "give me that efficient milk sucking machine now!!". So if you're breastfeeding, you would need to be practised at pumping* and have places on the trip where you could factor in time to do that. And as said above, the baby might be reluctant to go back to breastfeeding once you got back.

If you're bottle feeding, will your co-parent (or other helpful people) be up for doing that and all the other baby things while you are away and will the baby be used to and happy with them doing that? Knowing that you're going to be away for 2 weeks when the kid is 4 months old and they're going to have to do everything could be an excellent strategy for ensuring equal baby-parenting from the start (sorry - I am getting divorced and am cynical)

But at 4 months I don't think I could have done 2 days away from my kid, however much I was desperate for a break. Friends used to come round and take the baby shopping with them for 2 hours so I could have a bath and I'd be massively relieved and grateful and an hour and a half later I'd be pacing the floor watching for them coming back.

When I was pregnant I confidently expected to be able to sing in Mahler's Symphony of a Thousand in the Festival Hall two weeks after giving birth. Everyone in the choir who had had children said "OK, we'll put your name down but you might not feel up to it and that's fine..." Er. Yes.

It's horrible having to make these decisions this far ahead because it's a massive change and you don't know what you will be like or feel like by then. Will they let you decide nearer the time at all?

*I'm in the UK and it's less common/essential here because even with my oldest we had 4 months' maternity leave and by the time I had my youngest it was 6 months so most women wean when they go back to work. I'm self-employed so it was all a bit more flexible. And mine refused to take expressed milk at nursery at all.

[abka]

There's no wrong answer here, it's really what is best for you. With the first baby I didn't leave her alone overnight until she was a year. With the second I just went away for a larp "weekend" when she was 4.5 months old. Meaning I left her for 18 hours, then visited for an hour or two, then left her for 24 hours. I'm exclusively breastfeeding and pumping. If you choose to do that, it would be very difficult, not only finding places to pump in China, but you wouldn't be able to transport the milk back so you would have to build up a 2-week supply of pumped milk in advance which sounds daunting if not impossible. However, if the baby's on formula it's totally doable, and if you're nursing and supplementing you could pump and dump to maintain supply and the baby could just be on formula for the trip's duration. At four months it would be likely that baby would resume nursing when you returned. Emotionally I'm not ready to be away from the baby for more than a day max, and even that gets hard after 6-8 hours, and now she's just about 7 months. Nursing or not two weeks is a long time when the baby is four months. But I totally wouldn't judge a mom who chose to take that trip, international travel paid for by someone else is a hard thing to say no to.

[misscake]

I'm going to echo what others have said. If you're going to be nursing, it will be a big challenge, but the bigger issue is that you're most likely not going to want to leave B for that long. You'll still be sporting some major hormones that will make it hard to be away for a few hours, let alone an overnight. I did not do a weekend away from my son until he was 9 months. I did not do two weeks away until he was 5 and 1/2.

BUT, it is an amazing opportunity and its not wrong to want to take advantage of it.