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return to Due South: season 1 episode 5 "Pizzas and Promises"
Pizzas and Promises
air date October 20, 1994
Scene 1
Fraser and Vecchio are at Fraser's apartment.
VECCHIO: Twenty-nine minutes!
FRASER: Wouldn't it have been easier just to order it from the place across the street?
VECCHIO: Fraser, there are hundreds of places that make pizza. What I am looking for here is the perfect pizza at the perfect price.
FRASER: Which is?
VECCHIO: Free. And that's exactly what this'll be in thirty-four seconds. There is no way he can get a pizza here form Michigan Avenue in under a half-hour.
FRASER: You mean you're using some promotional ploy in order to get something for nothing?
VECCHIO: Welcome to the United States of America, Fraser.
FRASER: That just doesn't seem fair, Ray. I mean, if you don't pay for it, somebody has to.
VECCHIO: Again, welcome to my country. [There is a knock at the door.] Drop the pizza, kid, you're late.
PIZZA GUY: Oh, you're one of those guys. Uh, listen, I couldn't find the building. I'm ten seconds late. Your pizza's obviously ruined.
VECCHIO: Don't give me sarcasm, just the pie.
PIZZA GUY: Look, if I don't go back with thirteen-fifty, I get fired. I just got this job, I need this job. Come on, guys, cut me a break, willya?
FRASER: Here's for my half, Ray.
VECCHIO: Your half? What are you doing? You believe this sob story?
PIZZA GUY: Come on, I'm blocking the alley.
VECCHIO: Okay, fine, but next time, punk —
Tire-squealing noises come from outside. Fraser and the pizza guy rush to look out the window.
PIZZA GUY: Oh no, my car. They got my car!
VECCHIO: Repo?
PIZZA GUY: I just bought it.
FRASER: Diefenbaker, follow it. [to the pizza guy] Excuse me.
Fraser jumps out the window onto the fire escape. Pizza guy looks at Vecchio like why wouldn't Fraser go out the door? Diefenbaker is running through the alley and the street to get after the car. Fraser climbs up the fire escape and runs along the rooftop, his tunic unfastened. The car is zipping along the streets. Diefenbaker is chasing it. Fraser runs until he has the right angle and jumps onto the roof of the moving car.
FRASER: Please stop immediately. This is not your automobile. [The car does a banking turn and Fraser slides and falls off the top. Diefenbaker runs to him.] I'm okay. [Diefenbaker takes off after the car again.] Dief! Dief! Diefenbaker! [He takes off after the dog.]
Vecchio and the pizza guy are running around to the end of the alley. The car flies by.
PIZZA GUY: Hey! Hey! That's my car! [He runs after it.]
FRASER: Ray! Stop Diefenbaker! Stop him!
VECCHIO: Hey! Stop! Halt!
FRASER: Stop him!
VECCHIO: Unmush!
Diefenbaker runs by and keeps chasing the car. Fraser and Vecchio run after him.
FRASER: Where's your car?
VECCHIO: [I can't hear where Vecchio says his car is.] You ought to get that dog a hearing aid.
The car is driving off. Diefenbaker is still following it. The three men—Fraser, Vecchio, and the pizza guy—have all given up running.
FRASER: It's my mistake. I never should have sent him.
VECCHIO: He'll come back.
FRASER: No, he won't. He won't stop until he catches it.
VECCHIO: If they don't stop?
FRASER: He'll die trying.
Diefenbaker runs and runs after the car.
So Diefenbaker is part greyhound now?
Fraser and the pizza guy are right, by the way, and Vecchio is wrong. I will entertain no discussion on that subject.
Credits roll.
Paul Gross
David Marciano
Beau Starr
Daniel Kash
Tony Craig
Catherine Bruhier
(plus Lincoln the dog)
Ramona Milano, Fab Filippo, Harvey Atkin, Debra McGrath, Patrick McKenna
Scene 2
Night scenes in Fraser's neighborhood, ending in Fraser's apartment again. Vecchio is on the phone.
VECCHIO: Got a stolen car, two-twenty-one East Racine. Nineteen-seventy-seven green Comet. Yeah. Robert Charles William one three nine. Yeah, you do that.
PIZZA GUY: Look, if I don't find that car, I lose my job.
VECCHIO: I called it in. Here you go, kid. [gives him the case number]
PIZZA GUY: A lot of good this is gonna do me.
VECCHIO: Hey, call your insurance broker. You do have insurance, don't you?
PIZZA GUY: Oh, yeah, I do. I spent the last of my inheritance on it.
FRASER: Well, the police have a description of the car, so the thieves couldn't have gotten far.
PIZZA GUY: Right now, my car's in some garage being torn up for parts. By morning it'll be spread over six states, and the frame will be rusting in Lake Michigan.
VECCHIO: Earlier career choice, kid?
PIZZA GUY: They like to teach you a trade in juvie. [He leaves. Fraser goes to follow him.]
VECCHIO: Let the punk go.
FRASER: He needs help, Ray.
VECCHIO: Hey, there's still a few people in this neighborhood without a criminal record. Why don't you try to help one of them? [He grabs a slice of pizza before following Fraser.]
Shouldn't that be Romeo Charlie Whiskey one three nine? Also, though, I've always had to show proof of insurance to register a car. How does the pizza guy have registration without it? (And if he doesn't have registration, how's he going to prove the thing is his even if he does find it again?)
Vecchio's suggestion that people without criminal records are more deserving of help than people with criminal records is gross. And as we've seen, he's a lot less interested anyway in helping people over here than he is in penalizing people over there.
Scene 3
The pizza guy is walking away from Fraser's building. Fraser and Vecchio come out after him.
FRASER: Lenny! [Lenny, for that is the pizza guy's name, keeps walking.]
VECCHIO: He doesn't want our help. Can't you respect that?
FRASER: This is my neighborhood, Ray. It makes it my responsibility.
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, it's not my neighborhood.
FRASER: No. Quite right, it's not. Lenny! [He runs to catch up with him.] Lenny, I will find your car.
PIZZA GUY (LENNY): How?
FRASER: I have a friend on the case already.
LENNY: What, the wolf?
FRASER: It's his neighborhood too.
LENNY: Yeah. I'll hold my breath.
Conversely, here Vecchio basically reminds Fraser of the importance of taking no for an answer.
Scene 4
Fraser and Vecchio get into Vecchio's car.
FRASER: [looking at his wrist] That's odd.
VECCHIO: What's that?
FRASER: Oh, it's probably nothing.
VECCHIO: Oh, no, I am not getting involved in this one, Fraser. Unlike you, I refuse to feel guilty about something beyond my control. [Meanwhile, Fraser has scraped something off his cuff with his pocket knife and is folding it up in a handkerchief.]
FRASER: No, I understand, Ray. I understand fully.
VECCHIO: Good. I mean, the kid should have got insurance. I'm not going to turn Chicago upside down just to satisfy your twisted sense of honor.
FRASER: Well, I don't expect you to. Every individual must follow their own moral code.
VECCHIO: What's that supposed to mean?
FRASER: Just what I said, Ray. You're right. You have no responsibility here. Look, why — why don't you just let me off, and you can go home.
VECCHIO: Fine. [He pulls over.]
FRASER: Thanks. [gets out of the car]
VECCHIO: I'm going!
FRASER: Good night, Ray.
Fraser starts walking and Vecchio drives off. Then tires screech as he hits the brakes, and he backs up to meet Fraser and talk to him while he drives at walking pace next to him.
VECCHIO: Forty-seven thousand cars are stolen each year in this city. How are you going to find one?
FRASER: I don't think you want to know, Ray.
VECCHIO: You're right, I don't. Good night!
FRASER: Good night.
Vecchio drives off again. Fraser picks something up off the sidewalk. Vecchio reverses back again.
VECCHIO: Okay, how?
FRASER: When the Inuit go fishing, Ray, they don't look for the fish.
VECCHIO: I hate myself. [turns off the car, gets out, goes to join Fraser] So what do they look for?
FRASER: The blue heron.
VECCHIO: You're kidding me, right?
FRASER: No, I'm not, Ray.
VECCHIO: And where might we find this legendary bird?
FRASER: We begin by asking the people who'd know.
Diefenbaker is running. He stops to sniff something and takes off running again.
Motor vehicle thefts in Chicago in 1993: 36,741 with another 3,514 attempts. Thanks, Uncle Google (p. 18.).
According to Uncle Wiki, the great blue heron can be found as far north as coastal Alaska, but its range doesn't really extend past the Canadian provinces—that is, not into the territories. It probably overlaps with Inuit communities, but my sense is not so much with places Fraser has spent much time, is the only reason I bring it up.
It's hard to tell how passive-aggressive Fraser is deliberately being and how much of it Vecchio is perceiving because he knows what choices he should be making and doesn't want to. Fraser is playing it absolutely straight, so it's possible he's doesn't mean to be laying guilt on Vecchio at all. We haven't seen a ton of behavior that would suggest otherwise; he was pretty overt with his judginess in the pilot ("Isn't that entrapment?"), and his prodding the super at his building to honor his agreements with Mrs. Gamez ("Oh, I thought you said the utilities were included") isn't the same kind of thing he's doing here, if indeed he is doing something here. He may be completely sincere.
Of course now all I can think is "Q. How many Mounties does it take to change a light bulb? A. I'll be fine with this oil lamp, Ray."
Scene 5
Fraser and Vecchio are walking through the streets.
VECCHIO: One pizza. That's all I wanted was one lousy Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. [to a wino] Excuse me, have you seen a nineteen-seventy-seven green Comet followed by a white wolf?
WINO: Today?
VECCHIO: Yes, of course today!
WINO: Nope.
VECCHIO: That's it. That's it, I'm done. I'm not asking any more bums for you.
FRASER: [He has been speaking to a bag lady.] Thank you, ma'am.
BAG LADY: You're welcome.
FRASER: Ray, these are the people of the streets. This is their home, and you notice when things are out of place in your home.
VECCHIO: Oh, yeah, they notice things. They notice green cars, white wolves, and pink elephants. This is getting us nowhere.
FRASER: It got us here.
VECCHIO: Oh, this is a place we want to be?
FRASER: I think I'm picking up his trail. Good boy, Diefenbaker.
VECCHIO: You can smell him?
FRASER: Well, not him, exactly. [He smells a tree trunk.]
VECCHIO: Oh, no, you're sniffing piddle!
FRASER: Each lupus has his own unique scent. That's how they mark their territory.
VECCHIO: Yeah, it stinks!
FRASER: Oh, yes.
VECCHIO: You mean to tell me he peed all the way from here to the Loop?
FRASER: Well, he isn't relieving himself. He's marking a trail.
Diefenbaker is running some more.
Props note: The slice of pizza Vecchio picked up on his way out the door in scene 2 didn't look like deep-dish to me.
I'm estimating that Fraser's neighborhood is more or less Fuller Park, which Uncle Wiki says is five miles from the Loop—which isn't really that far.
Scene 6
Fraser and Vecchio continue walking through the streets. Fraser sniffs a car tire.
VECCHIO: First dirt tasting, now piddle sniffing. I don't want to be around when you start listening to dung.
GUY ON A STOOP: Fraser's looking for his dog again.
GUY'S BUDDY: Yup.
Fraser sniffs some grass and heads back the other way.
VECCHIO: Where are you going?
FRASER: Stupid rookie mistake.
VECCHIO: What do you mean?
FRASER: These last two blocks I've been tracking a Lhasa Apso.
VECCHIO: You've been tracking a Lhasa Apso?
FRASER: I know. If word of this gets back to the Territories, I'll never live it down.
VECCHIO: Mounties can be so cruel.
FRASER: You can't imagine. Evening, Jerome.
VECCHIO: Hey, Jesse. [They walk along, Fraser occasionally sniffing the air.] I don't smell anything.
The assignment must have been something like "find a dog that has the ideal combination of being as little like a wolf as possible and also having a name that sounds unlikely." Lhasa Apso is a small terrier whose hair hangs down over its eyes. I bet the other finalist in the writers' room was bichon frisé.
I want the two guys on the stoop to be Statler and Waldorf, but it's a different stoop, so I don't think they are.
Scene 7
The next morning. They are still walking. Fraser is still sniffing. They stop on a hillside outside of town.
FRASER: Ray! This is it.
VECCHIO: What?
FRASER: He's here.
VECCHIO: Where?
Fraser looks around and sees Diefenbaker sitting next to a car in a used car lot.
FRASER: Right there.
VECCHIO: Markles' Used Cars? This is where the kid bought the car. Your dumb animal tracked it backwards!
FRASER: Good dog. Good boy. Good boy.
VECCHIO: Yeah, brilliant. Not only is he deaf, he's color blind.
FRASER: [pets and skritches Diefenbaker] Good boy, yes. [He stands up and looks at the car.] This is the car.
VECCHIO: What do you mean, this is the car? This car is bright yellow. The kid's car was lime green. And this VIN number isn't even close.
FRASER: No scratches on the lock. No sign of a break-in. They must have used a key.
VECCHIO: Of course they used a key. It's their car.
FRASER: When I was on Lenny's car, my button accidentally scratched the paint. Now, I've just taken a second sample from the wheel well. [He unfolds his handkerchief and puts a new scraping next to the old one.]
VECCHIO: Oh, yeah, very pretty.
FRASER: They're identical. Except that this one [he turns over the new scraping] has a fresh coat of yellow paint.
VECCHIO: You're right. It's still tacky. This is the car.
FRASER: Do you think we can get Forensics down here?
VECCHIO: No need. I'll have this puppy impounded in less than an hour.
Attention to detail moment: To me, it seems like both Fraser and Vecchio are not just physically exhausted but also a little hoarse in this scene.
I'm not sure what it is that's meant to be identical if one paint scraping is green and the other is yellow. Fraser shows the underside of both of them, and sure, they're both . . . kind of rusty? So . . . his button took off more than just paint? In that case, shouldn't there be kind of a divot in the yellow paint where a layer of green is missing underneath it?
Also, how are they going to get back to civilization, having walked all the way out here?
Scene 8
In Welsh's office.
WELSH: Different plates, different color, different vehicle identification number. Am I getting the picture?
VECCHIO: Uh, yes, sir, but —
WELSH: And all of them are legit.
VECCHIO: Apparently so, yes, sir.
FRASER: Detective Vecchio also has a source that corroborates his theory, sir.
WELSH: And that would be?
VECCHIO: His wolf, sir.
WELSH: Ah. Unfortunately, wolves are such notoriously bad witnesses. In my experience, they tend to fold under cross-examination. Gentlemen, the state's attorney has just enough manpower to prosecute a small fraction of the cases we bring to him. You can understand how I would hate to ask him to prosecute a case in which we have no evidence at all.
FRASER: Lieutenant, Lenny Milano is a decent young man. He's on parole, and he's trying to turn his life around. I'm afraid if I told him there's nothing you can do for him —
WELSH: Is he a friend of yours?
FRASER: No, sir.
WELSH: He's a relative?
FRASER: No. He delivered a pizza to my apartment. At Detective Vecchio's request.
WELSH: Oh, you ordered the pizza.
VECCHIO: It did not seem like a mistake at the time, sir.
WELSH: Right. Just like bringing this case to me probably didn't seem like a mistake at the time.
VECCHIO: Well, yes, sir.
They leave Welsh's office.
VECCHIO: My theory.
FRASER: Well, I was just trying to give you credit, Ray.
VECCHIO: Okay, I did my good deed. I embarrassed myself to the fullest extent of the law for you. Now can I go back to work?
FRASER: Well, of course. You did all you could. Thank you, Ray. [He leaves.]
VECCHIO: Damn, he's as bad as his dog!
Vecchio clearly thinks Fraser is guilt-tripping him on purpose. I say the jury is still out on Fraser's actual intentions.
Scene 9
Some kids are playing basketball in a paved yard and trash talking. There is an armed guard on the roof.
TOUGH KID: Hey Milano! What's with the Mountie? [Lenny and Fraser are coming toward the place. Lenny is wearing a tie.] Steal some maple syrup? [Everyone laughs.] We missed you, Lenny! Aw, did we hurt your feelings? You know, you gotta toughen up, boy. Who knows what kind of personal hardships you're gonna run into the next time that I get my hands on you.
LENNY: [spits in the tough kid's face] Any time, Fitz. Any time.
TOUGH KID (FITZ): Looking forward to seeing you, Lenny.
FRASER: Is that young man looking to be released soon?
LENNY: No, he's expecting me back here. Everybody comes back.
FRASER: Not everybody, Lenny.
LENNY: Yeah.
Scene 10
In an office at the juvenile detention place.
OFFICER: So, a Mountie. What'd you do Lenny, steal some maple syrup?
LENNY: No, sir.
FRASER: I came to vouch for the boy, sir.
OFFICER: And what does he need vouching for?
LENNY: My car got stolen.
OFFICER: No problem.
LENNY: I might be out of a job for a while.
OFFICER: Problem.
LENNY: Sir —
OFFICER: Condition twelve-B of your early release. You maintain employment.
FRASER: Well, I'm sure he'll be able to find alternative employment in no time.
OFFICER: Judge says maintain, not re-obtain. Milano has to stick with the job he already has.
FRASER: Well, he can't deliver pizza without a car, sir.
OFFICER: Sorry. Them's the rules. Lose your job, lose your freedom.
Such empathy we're seeing from so many of Chicago's public servants. First the social worker who took Mrs. Gamez's kids away, and now this.
Scene 11
Back at the police station.
VECCHIO: [amused] You want to go undercover.
FRASER: Well, I admit, I'm not as familiar with the art of subterfuge as you are, Ray, but it appears to be an inside job, and I can't see any other way to gather sufficient evidence.
VECCHIO: Okay, so what would your cover be?
FRASER: My cover. Well, I thought that I would present myself as a chance passerby. Naturally I'd start by removing my hat and any identifying symbols from the uniform.
VECCHIO: Well, that would be good, because your hat just might give you away.
FRASER: Exactly. That's exactly what I felt. And then what I thought I would do is, I would stroll onto the lot, and I would introduce myself to the employees, and I would ask a few informal questions.
VECCHIO: Such as . . .
FRASER: [reads off a list he has prepared] "Does anyone here know the whereabouts of a stolen lime green Comet?" [Vecchio nods.] "Anyone seen a stolen car?" [Vecchio nods.] "Any stolen cars around here?" [Vecchio nods.] Or, ah, oh! "If you've seen a stolen car, please raise your hand."
VECCHIO: [trying not to laugh] Okay! Let's go.
FRASER: Well, did I say something wrong?
VECCHIO: No, no, no, no, not at all, Benny.
FRASER: No, I said something wrong.
VECCHIO: No, no, no. Just follow me. [biting his lip as he leaves the bullpen]
ELAINE: You're very good.
FRASER: Thank you. [He smiles and does a spin-and-catch thing with his hat before he puts it back on.]
Okay Fraser smiles slightly when he takes his list out of his pocket, and I cannot see that as a wry smile (still less can I see it as an actor breaking up, like this was the best take they could get; that guy can keep a straight face through way weirder nonsense than this). No, Fraser is absolutely delighted to have come up with these informal questions for the used car lot employees, he's so proud of himself, and Vecchio is so kind not to actually laugh in his face. This is the nicest we have seen Vecchio be about Fraser's naivete, isn't it. Because I mean: Even Elaine has a patronizing smile when she tells Fraser how good he is. But he is adorable in his enthusiasm.
And it's frankly Fraser's genuine belief that this is a good plan that makes me think his guilt-tripping earlier could be inadvertent. He's not actually a simpleton, and there are times that it's clear he's only pretending to take things at face value (again, see Julie Frobisher or Miss Cabot), but I think there are still a lot of levels at which he is in fact . . . taking things at face value.
Scene 12
Fraser and Vecchio are across the street from the used car lot in loud civilian attire.
FRASER: How do I look?
VECCHIO: Buttoned. [Fraser unbuttons his jacket.] Rule number one of undercover work: If you don't believe it, they don't believe it. We are not pretending to be used car salesmen, we are used car salesmen.
FRASER: I understand. [Someone passing by has tossed their trash next to the bin instead of into it. Fraser picks it up.] Excuse me — [He gives up and throws the trash away himself.]
VECCHIO: Fraser, you're a car salesman!
FRASER: Well, I understand that, Ray. I've done this before, you know.
VECCHIO: Oh, really?
FRASER: Yes. When I was a young Scout working on my ecology badge, I insinuated myself into a hunting party in order to catch a baby seal killer.
VECCHIO: So what happened?
FRASER: Well, I was clubbed repeatedly, Ray.
They stride onto the lot. The boss comes over to greet them.
USED CAR BOSS: Gentlemen. Welcome to Tex Markles' Pre-owned Automobiles. I'm Tex Markles. What can I do for you?
VECCHIO: It's what we can do for you. Roy Venner. I'd like you to meet my partner, Billy Bob Fraser. Maybe you've heard of him. Billy Bob sold more cars than anyone in the state of Texas last year.
USED CAR BOSS (TEX): No kidding. Is that true, son?
FRASER: No.
TEX: Heh. That's what I like, an honest man. Most people who come here give me a line of bull trying to convince me they're something they're not. But I'll tell you, I'm a little short-handed right now. You see that old lady over there?
FRASER: I can honestly say that I do.
TEX: Good. Well, you sell her that piece of junk, and you've got yourselves a job. Both of you. Now anything over four hundred dollars, you can keep it. Deal?
VECCHIO: Deal.
TEX: Okay.
They go over to where the old lady is kicking the tires of a small SUV with open sides.
VECCHIO: Well, well, well, you have a keen eye for quality, young lady.
OLD LADY: Thank you. [Fraser gets the keys down from under the visor and puts them in the ignition.]
VECCHIO: Would you like to, uh, start her up?
OLD LADY: Yes.
VECCHIO: Sounds great, huh?
OLD LADY: Yes, it does sound great.
FRASER: And I don't think that valve problem will give you any trouble for a few hundred miles.
VECCHIO: Excuse me a moment, ma'am. [He yanks Fraser to one side.] When people are trying to buy a car, they really don't need to hear about engine problems, okay? It makes them think of the no-worth.
FRASER: You don't expect me to lie to people, do you, Ray?
VECCHIO: Who's asking you to lie? [Fraser gives him a Look.] Okay, I am. But if we don't lie, we don't sell a car. If we don't get a job, we can't hang around here to solve the case. And if we don't solve the case, Lenny goes to jail. So if you can't say something untrue, please, don't say anything at all.
FRASER: All right. [He puts on sunglasses. They go back to the old lady. He does a plastic smile.] You picked a fine automobile, ma'am.
OLD LADY: Did you ever drive this car?
FRASER: Yes. Yes I did. In a rally race. From Whitehorse to . . . Africa.
OLD LADY: Do you mean you drove this car to Africa?
FRASER: Yes. I did. Except for the Atlantic Ocean, where, where I had to . . . row.
OLD LADY: Are you telling me the truth?
FRASER: No.
VECCHIO: How much do you want to spend?
OLD LADY: One hundred dollars.
VECCHIO: Deal. I'll meet you in the office. [He and Fraser hurry off toward the building.]
FRASER: Tex wanted four hundred.
VECCHIO: I know. Cough up the other three.
FRASER: Three?
VECCHIO: Yeah. American hundred-dollar bills. Now. [as they get closer to Tex] We did it, Tex! We sold her the car!
Is the name "Billy Bob" inherently funny? Relatedly, do we think Vecchio dressed Fraser out of his own closet?
The fact that Fraser—who was a literal Boy Scout—needs his sunglasses to do the fake smile and lie to the lady's face is hilarious.
How does Fraser know that the keys are under the visor? I've never bought a used car off this sort of lot; is that like a totally normal thing that I just happen not to know? (Though I don't expect Fraser has ever bought a used car off this sort of lot either.)
Scene 13
Inside the showroom.
GUY IN A SUIT: Good morning, people! I've got a couple of announcements of importance for everyone, so take a minute to listen up, all righty? Uh, item one. Try selling cars. Mr. and Mrs. Markles have made it clear this is something we should be doing. All righty? Item two. We have two new salesmen joining us today, Roy Venner and Billy Bob Fraser, which means less commissions for the rest of us.
FRASER: Hi. Nice to meet you. [A woman notices Fraser and looks him up and down.]
GUY IN A SUIT: Finally, Tex's specials for today. The list is coming around. Read it. These are the cars that Tex would like us to push. Nice markups, which translates into more profits for Tex, which means a few more crumbs fall onto your plate. Hundred-dollar bonus for each one sold. That's it, people. Oh, and hey: Be careful out there.
The salesfolk disperse. Vecchio clears his throat at Fraser, who unbuttons his jacket again.
Fraser unbuttons his jacket with a "Whoo, close call, thanks for the save, Ray" expression.
Scene 14
Out on the lot.
VECCHIO: I'm telling you, this car is a veritable chick magnet. Best car on the lot. Zero to sixty in five point six seconds, and the paint job goes great with blondes, brunettes, and redheads.
The customer is an old man using a walker. Nearby, Fraser is carving at wheel-well paint with his pocket knife.
VECCHIO: Okay, come look at this Camaro. Hey, lemme give you a hand with that oxygen tank.
Fraser is investigating another car's wheel well.
TEX: Whatcha doin', Billy Bob? Billy Bob!
FRASER: Oh, yes, that's me.
TEX: Lemme take a shot in the dark here. Billy Bob's not your real name, is it?
FRASER: No, sir. It's Benton.
TEX: Well, that's a shame. I can see why you changed it. What the hell were you doing down there?
FRASER: Well, I'd rather not say, sir.
TEX: Why not?
FRASER: Roy would get mad.
TEX: Well, stop messing around under them cars and go and sell me some.
FRASER: Well, I'd love to do that, sir, but I'm not really a car salesman.
HOT CUSTOMER: Excuse me. I'd like to take a test drive.
TEX: Yes, ma'am, right this way.
HOT CUSTOMER: Uh, no. With him. [points to Fraser]
FRASER: Oh, certainly. Uh, which car?
HOT CUSTOMER: All of them. [She takes Fraser by the arm and walks away. He looks over his shoulder at Tex as they go.]
TEX: Not a car salesman, huh?
Fraser is beginning to learn that he can satisfy his need not to lie by telling only as much of the truth as is necessary in a given situation. And then he is blatantly objectified by a young woman who clearly wants to test drive him rather than the cars. It isn't any better when it happens to Fraser than it was when it happened to Constable Brighton ("I'm finally going to get to do something other than show my legs"), but unfortunately, I'll bet five or ten pretend dollars he isn't making that connection.
Scene 15
Inside the sales office. Vecchio is talking to the guy in the suit.
VECCHIO: Wow! I see you've made salesman of the month eight times in a row.
GUY IN A SUIT (GARY): Yeah, well. You know, being nominated was honor enough. [smarmy smile]
VECCHIO: [does a smarmy smile of his own] Yeah. [He's looking at the plaque.]
GARY: Don't touch it.
VECCHIO: Uh, Markles must be a pretty good employer, huh?
GARY: The best, yeah. As long as you do two things for him.
VECCHIO: Oh yeah? What's that?
GARY: Sell plenty of cars.
VECCHIO: And?
GARY: And don't ask too many stupid questions.
Scene 16
VECCHIO: Billy Bob! Billy Bob. I figured it out.
FRASER: [pops up from where he was hiding behind a car] The specials have all been stolen.
VECCHIO: Exactly.
FRASER: They've been stripped of everything but the serial number, including the tires.
VECCHIO: Exactly.
FRASER: And judging from the numbers of coats of paint, I'd say each one has been sold and stolen several times over.
VECCHIO: You're with me. [to a customer] It's a beauty, isn't it.
FRASER: The only thing I don't understand is how they can continually come up with new vehicle identification numbers.
VECCHIO: I do.
FRASER: You do?
VECCHIO: Yeah, and if you hadn't been out test driving all the cars on the lot, you'd know, too.
FRASER: You know, I'm beginning to suspect that that young woman wasn't interested in buying a car.
VECCHIO: [rolls his eyes and sighs] Dashboards.
FRASER: Dashboards?
VECCHIO: Yeah. I found a half-dozen out back in the dumpster. All missing VIN plates.
FRASER: And at the rate they're exchanging them, then they must have quite a number secreted somewhere on the premises.
VECCHIO: Mm-hmm, follow me.
FRASER: Do you know where they are?
VECCHIO: I do, but I'm going to need your help to get in there.
FRASER: You need me to create a distraction?
VECCHIO: No, Billy Bob, I need you to be a distraction.
FRASER: Ah. How — how do you mean?
Vecchio means, alas, that he's not sympathetic to the sexual harassment issue.
Aren't the VIN numbers on the dashboards associated in some database somewhere with the cars those dashboards came from? The scam is still not sufficiently clear to me.
Scene 17
In the office. The woman who eyed Fraser up before is there. She sees Fraser going by.
WOMAN: Well, hi there, Billy Bob.
FRASER: Please call me Fraser, Mrs. Markles.
WOMAN (MRS. MARKLES): And you can call me Tammy.
FRASER: Good. Good.
MRS. MARKLES (TAMMY): So, what can I do for you?
FRASER: Well, uh, what I, um, what I think, I, what I think, I, um, uh, I don't know.
TAMMY: Really?
Vecchio is breaking into a locked room in another part of the building.
TAMMY: Well, you know, I've been thinking that you got the right stuff to be employee of the week.
FRASER: Well, that's, that's, that's very flattering, but I haven't sold any cars.
TAMMY: Well, now, employee of the week isn't just about selling cars.
FRASER: Of course not. No. No, I would imagine it's about loyalty, and, uh, dedication, and, uh, trustworthiness.
TAMMY: You're trustworthy, aren't you, Billy Bob?
FRASER: I'm, I'm trying not to be.
TAMMY: You know what? If we're gonna dance, we might as well hold onto each other.
He's been trying to keep more an an arm's length distance from her, but she's cornered him. Now she puts his hands on her waist and hits a button on her tape deck. In the other room, Vecchio is looking through files. Tammy closes the blinds in her office. Fraser is alarmed.
TAMMY: My husband only has time for his work. He really doesn't understand me, Billy Bob. But you do, dontcha?
FRASER: Uh, no, actually, I don't think I do.
TAMMY: Well, I think you do. [She grabs his ass.]
FRASER: Oh, yes, now, uh, now I do.
Vecchio still hasn't found what he's looking for. Then he notices something in the baseboard.
TAMMY: [wiggling out of her suit jacket] Now, you keep your eyes closed.
FRASER: [holding his hand over his eyes] Yes, I, I prefer that.
TAMMY: [out of her blouse] Now you can look.
FRASER: No, I really can't.
TEX: [from outside on the lot] Stop him! Stop him now! [Tires squeal.]
FRASER: Oh, an emergency, I'm sorry, what a shame. [His hand still over his eyes, he squeezes out past Tammy and flees.]
Ha-ha, isn't sexual harassment hilarious.
I mean, okay, look: She wouldn't be able to physically overpower him, and there isn't actually a genuine power differential here because he's only pretending to want (hell, he's only pretending to have) this job. So is Fraser in any actual peril: No. But this is a dude who can't handle it when a pretty young woman wants his phone number; he is monumentally uncomfortable and out of his depth here (the face he makes on "No, actually, I don't think I do" is the face of a man who is not just afraid of but actually repulsed by the woman in front of him, so that actress is a pretty good sport, eh?), and it was not cool of Vecchio to put him in this situation. Now, Vecchio would probably say hey, undercover work isn't a walk in the park. And maybe that's true. It is also of course not Vecchio's fault that Tammy is literally backing Fraser up against the wall and putting her hands on him; it's Tammy's fault that she's doing that. Maybe Vecchio didn't know how far it would go. Because another thing that is hilarious is a sex-starved middle-aged woman, am I right? Oy vey.
Tammy has a Confederate flag on the wall in her office, so that's gross. Also a big wooden letter W; what's that about?
Scene 18
Out on the lot, Lenny is zooming away in the yellow Comet.
TEX: Somebody call the police! That kid's stealing a car. [Lenny swerves. Fraser runs.] Go stop him!
In the locked room, Vecchio pries off the baseboard and finds a bunch of loose VIN plates. He slams the baseboard back up as Tammy, fully dressed, comes in.
TAMMY: Something I can help you with?
VECCHIO: I was just looking for the keys to the Skylark. [She throws some keys at him.] Thank you.
Fraser is running across the hoods of parked cars, rather than through the lot on the ground, to chase Lenny.
TEX: Don't scratch the paint! [Gary is talking to some other customers.] Will you help him!
GARY: What? Help? [Lenny comes speeding by. Gary holds his hand out.] Stop, stop. [Lenny does not stop. Gary turns back to his customers.] Yeah, well. This is the car you want.
Fraser jumps down off a hood into Lenny's path.
LENNY: Get out of my way, stupid Mountie!
He guns the engine. Fraser does not move. Lenny speeds toward him. Fraser does not move. Lenny stands on the brake and stops just in time. Fraser is disappointed in Lenny for trying to steal his car back. Lenny can't believe Fraser has betrayed him. Fraser moves to the driver's side window and may be about to say something. A police car comes up: lights, sirens. Uniformed officers get out.
TEX: Great work, Billy Bob. Arrest that man, officers.
LENNY: But it's my car!
FRASER: I know.
The officers drag Lenny out of the car, put him face down against it, and begin to read him his rights. Gary has arrived and is standing next to Tex.
TEX: What an employee. That's what I need: more salesmen who'll throw themselves in front of a car for me. Gary, give him one of your plaques.
Gary assumes he doesn't mean it. Lenny is mad at Fraser and doesn't have a very nice look for Gary either as the officers load him in the back of their car. Fraser is sad and pensive.
I was about to be annoyed at Fraser for not saying anything more to Lenny, but then I thought, what would he say? Probably something like "There's a right way and a wrong way to pursue justice, Lenny, and this is the wrong way" with a side of "I promise it will all work out," which I'd have yelled about, because he's got to stop making promises like that. So maybe right now this is the best he can do.
Here's a question. What about the person who owned the car before Lenny, from whom it was presumably stolen before Lenny bought it? Which, if any, of the customers is the rightful owner? The text does not appear to address this.
Scene 19
The kids are playing basketball in the courtyard under the armed guard on the roof. Inside, Lenny is in a detention room of some kind.
LENNY: Looks like I'll be here for a while.
FRASER: I'm sorry you have to stay here.
LENNY: I've been in worse places. Looks like I'm going back to one. I blew it, huh?
FRASER: The dispositional hearing isn't until Friday. It's not over yet.
LENNY: Look, it's not that I don't appreciate your help or anything, but yeah, it is over. Looks like Fitz was right. Things always come back around and around and around.
FRASER: You know, Lenny, I'm a man who believes in destiny. But it's a destiny of your own choosing. Just because a trail leads one way doesn't mean you can't cut your own path.
LENNY: Looks like mine leads right over a cliff.
FRASER: Cliffs are for climbing, Lenny. That's why God gave us grappling hooks.
Is a destiny that you choose actually destined? Also, grappling hooks, Fraser? What the fuck?
Scene 20
Fraser and Vecchio are in the car keeping an eye on the used car lot.
VECCHIO: First you want to go undercover, now you talk me into this thing?
FRASER: Well, we have to catch them in the act, Ray.
VECCHIO: You see, here's the tricky thing about sting operations. They require money, resources, and a lot more manpower than you, me, and the wolf.
FRASER: That's why we have our third man.
FRANCESCA: [on the lot and speaking into a wire] Can you read me?
FRASER: Loud and clear. Oh, um, once again, I'm terribly sorry about the confusion. I, I thought that you understood my intention.
FRANCESCA: Don't worry, really. I've forgotten all about it. [stops to talk to a woman looking at cars] Let me ask you something. If a guy asks if you're busy tonight, he's asking you out, right?
WOMAN LOOKING AT CARS: Yeah, I'd think so.
FRANCESCA: Yeah, so would I. [She shoots a look at Vecchio's car.] You seen a salesman?
VECCHIO: One hundred women in my black book and you had to call my sister.
FRASER: Well, I'm sorry, but it was the only current number.
VECCHIO: Okay, can we go over this drill one more time? No departmental approval means we're on our own, and being on our own means?
FRANCESCA: No backup.
VECCHIO: No, we're using my money, and using my money means we're buying a cheap car. You find Tex, you ask him what the specials are, and you buy the cheapest car on the lot.
FRANCESCA: You know, you told me this a hundred times already. I think I picked up on most of the subtleties of the plan.
VECCHIO: Yeah, just buy the kid's Comet.
FRANCESCA: Stop treating me like a child, okay? I know what I'm doing.
FRASER: Here he comes.
TEX: Hello, little lady. Welcome to Tex Markles' Fine Pre-owned Automobiles. I'm Tex Markles. And how can I help you?
VECCHIO: I'm looking for a car! I'm looking for a car!
FRANCESCA: I'm looking for a car.
TEX: Well, you've certainly come to the right place. You have anything specific in mind?
VECCHIO: Something cheap.
FRANCESCA: Oh, I don't know.
VECCHIO: What do you mean you don't know? Buy the Comet, buy the Comet!
FRANCESCA: A Corvette?
VECCHIO: Comet! C-O-M — [He hits the radio.] Is this thing working?
FRANCESCA: One of the really expensive ones.
VECCHIO: You keep this up and I'm gonna let Fraser read your diary.
FRANCESCA: Oh! Look at that Comet. That's adorable!
TEX: Comet is a great car. Solid, dependable automobile. Yes, as a matter of fact, uh — [He pulls a "$400" tag off the windshield and hides it from her.] — we got this little baby marked right down. We can let you have it for about, um, six hundred dollars?
VECCHIO: Three hundred, tell him three. Tell him three!
FRANCESCA: Six it is.
VECCHIO: What is the matter with you? Did we not go over this plan? [to Fraser] Did we not sit in a room and go over this plan?
Why does Vecchio have his sister's number in his black book? (But, oh, the dig of every other number being outdated.)
So Francesca thought Fraser was asking her out. That means (a) Vecchio didn't recruit his own sister to help with this sting, and (b) Fraser opened with a vague "Francesca, are you busy this evening?" rather than more sensibly saying what he was actually asking up front: "Francesca, Ray and I could use your help on a sting operation this evening if you're free." Live and (hopefully) learn.
Francesca has changed her hair since the last episode.
Scene 21
Francesca is driving the Comet; Vecchio and Fraser are in Vecchio's car. They are still communicating by radio.
VECCHIO: That was supposed to be a flash roll.
FRANCESCA: Well, consider it a payback.
VECCHIO: For what?
FRANCESCA: You killed my hamster.
VECCHIO: Yeah, twenty years ago!
FRASER: You killed her hamster, Ray?
VECCHIO: How was I supposed to know they couldn't swim?
FRASER: Ray, we got company. Black sedan at six o'clock.
VECCHIO: All right, pull over and I'll set the homing device.
FRANCESCA: Oh, it was premeditated murder, just admit it!
VECCHIO: Okay, I admit it, now pull over.
FRANCESCA: I'm over.
Francesca turns right out of frame. Vecchio follows her. The black sedan, whose license plate is obscured, follows him. Francesca goes into a car wash. Vecchio goes into the car wash. The black sedan goes around to the car wash exit. Francesca is looking into a compact mirror, preening while her car is washed.
VECCHIO: Ready?
FRASER: Ready.
They hop out of Vecchio's car while it is being washed and run up to Francesca's.
VECCHIO: Gimme the keys, gimme the keys! [She does. He and Fraser run around to the back.] Okay, now I'm gonna be riding in the trunk.
FRASER: What about the homing device?
VECCHIO: There's no time. Watch this. [He strings some twine through the trunk latch.]
FRASER: No, no, no, Ray, I don't know about this. Ray, you're going to be inside the trunk pulling down —
FRANCESCA: Will you just get in the trunk already?
VECCHIO: Trust me, this contraption has saved me hundreds of dollars at the drive-in movies. [He gets in the trunk.]
FRASER: [on the radio] You all right?
VECCHIO: [as the car goes through the rinse cycle] I think I got ripped off. The trunk leaks. Yeow, jeez, this stuff's hot.
Fraser gets into the driver's seat of Vecchio's car.
It seems like the plan was to set a homing device but once they realized they were being followed they didn't have enough time to do it right? So why didn't they set it sooner? Did they have to wait until they were at the car wash?
We don't know how old the various Vecchios are, but Ray Vecchio was a beat cop in 1986, so he had to have been at least 19 or so then, meaning he can't have been born much later than 1967. Which would have made him at least seven years old 20 years ago, i.e., in 1974, which is a solid age at which to drown one's sister's hamster, accidentally or otherwise. (Of course he does seem older than 27 now; I'm just saying we don't have data to be more specific.)
Scene 22
The yellow car is parked outside a row house. Fraser is across the street with his spy glass and a radio.
FRASER: Ray?
VECCHIO: Code names! We're on an open frequency here.
FRASER: [rolls his eyes] Penguin to Stallion, come in, Stallion.
VECCHIO: Stallion here.
FRASER: All right, the ferrets have gone around twice. Here they come again.
VECCHIO: Who?
FRASER: The car thieves.
VECCHIO: Oh, right.
FRANCESCA: [arrives with a picnic basket] I'm ready. Let's go. [She gets in the driver's seat of Vecchio's car.]
FRASER: Uh, Ray, we've got trouble, there's a fox in the cave.
VECCHIO: What?
FRASER: Your sister is in the car!
VECCHIO: Get her out of here!
FRASER: Uh, I'm afraid you'll have to leave. This could become dangerous.
FRANCESCA: Do you have a corkscrew? Oh, that's all right, it's a twist-off.
FRASER: [gets in on the passenger side] I, uh, I don't mean to sound ingracious, and it's not that I don't appreciate the offer —
FRANCESCA: Hot hors d'oeuvres?
VECCHIO: I'm suffocating and you're serving him a buffet?
FRANCESCA: Stay out of this, Gelding.
VECCHIO: Stallion.
FRANCESCA: Yeah, in your dreams.
The black sedan reverses to sit behind the yellow Comet.
FRASER: Uh, Stallion, the ferret is in the forest.
VECCHIO: What?
FRANCESCA: The car thief is coming your way. Escargot?
Someone hops out of the black sedan and opens the Comet with a key. The sedan drives off. So does the Comet. Francesca pulls out in Vecchio's car to follow them.
FRASER: We're right behind you, Stallion.
VECCHIO: Now, don't get too close. We don't want to scare these guys off.
FRASER: We don't want to lose you.
FRANCESCA: Oh, we'll be fine. Would you mind peeling me a shrimp?
Francesca has apparently decided she and Fraser can both get what they want? Anyway, the first rule of code should be you've got to remember the codes if you're going to insist your buddy use the codes.
Scene 23
The Comet goes under an overpass and turns right. Francesca is driving Vecchio's car.
FRASER: You just turned again. Which way did you turn?
VECCHIO: What am I, a Mountie? Right, left, I'm in the trunk for crying out loud.
FRASER: Just tell me what you hear.
VECCHIO: I hear my head smashing against the side of the trunk. Damn! There's another one.
FRASER: [listening] Speed bumps. [to Francesca] Turn right.
FRANCESCA: Can you sorta take the wheel for a moment? I've got my hands full.
VECCHIO: You wanna step on it?
FRANCESCA: I can't really serve and drive, now, can I? [to Fraser] Gazpacho?
FRASER: Uh, he's breaking up. Might I suggest we increase our speed?
FRANCESCA: Oh.
VECCHIO: Will you floor it, Francesca?
FRANCESCA: All right. You want garlic butter on your upholstery . . .
FRASER: Ray. [no reply] I think he's out of range. Ray!
VECCHIO: Shh! The car has stopped. They shut off the engine. I can hear voices. All right, I can't wait for you guys. I'm coming out. Three, two, one — [He kicks at the trunk, and it doesn't open, but the thieves, who turn out to be Greg and Tammy, hear him kicking.] Damn. Stupid Mountie's [something unintelligible] here.
GARY: [whispering] Venner! I knew something wasn't right about that guy!
TAMMY: Get rid of him.
They are at a dock. Gary reaches in through the window and puts the car in neutral, then pushes it toward the lake. He and Tammy run away as the car is rolling.
VECCHIO: False alarm. We're moving again.
FRASER: Ray, the driver never got back in.
VECCHIO: Uh-oh. [The car rolls into the lake and starts to sink.] I think they're getting the car washed again. I don't think they use fresh water at this place. And they sure are using a lot. Too much. Way too much. Fraser!
Fraser and Francesca pull up. The Comet has gone under the water.
FRANCESCA: We've got the wrong place.
FRASER: [unbuttoning his jacket] No, we don't. Get the keys to the Comet.
FRANCESCA: Okay.
FRASER: Get the escargots.
FRANCESCA: You think he'll be hungry?
FRASER: All right. Where are the keys? [He throws his jacket on the hood of Vecchio's car. He has a flashlight between his teeth. He takes the bag of escargots, dumps them out, and puts his flashlight in the bag.]
FRANCESCA: They're, they're in my wallet.
FRASER: [tying up the plastic bag around the flashlight] I need the keys!
FRANCESCA: Oh, they're in my wallet, they're in my wallet. Okay, I've got some eye hooks — they're not in my wallet. [Fraser goes and throws open the trunk and grabs something from in there while Francesca continues to search.] Picnic basket. No. In the other pocket. Okay, I know where it is.
Fraser dives into the water. He looks around for a bit with the flashlight and comes up for air.
FRANCESCA: It's got to be — no.
Fraser dives again. The Comet is sitting on the lake bottom. He swims down to it and starts going at the trunk with a crowbar.
FRANCESCA: Pocket — there is no pocket. Oh — my blue purse. They're in this pocket. No. Okay.
Fraser gets the trunk open and pulls Vecchio out. He drags him up to the surface and comes out of the lake carrying him across his shoulders.
FRANCESCA: I, I can't find the, uh, the keys.
Vecchio is groaning a little. Fraser puts him down on the hood of the car.
FRASER: Ray. [slaps his face a couple times] Ray.
VECCHIO: Fraser. Fraser, I don't think that was a car wash.
FRASER: No, Ray. [to Francesca] We need a blanket.
FRANCESCA: Well, I only have my good one.
VECCHIO: Get the blanket.
FRASER: You okay?
VECCHIO: Yeah.
FRANCESCA: Okay. So where are we going?
VECCHIO: You're going home. [to Fraser] Did you see who it was?
FRASER: No, they took off before we got there.
VECCHIO: I say we go to the dealership and arrest the whole damn bunch.
FRASER: That would be an injustice, Ray.
VECCHIO: You want to see an injustice, take a look at my suit.
FRANCESCA: Look at my blanket.
VECCHIO: Shut up.
Francesca is almost appropriately panicked about her brother's safety here. It's not clear whether she realizes from Fraser's tone that if she'd had any chance with him before, she sure doesn't now. We have not previously heard him be as impatient and unimpressed as he is when he said "I need the keys!" To be clear: He is right! They don't have time to fuck around looking for keys when Ray is in the trunk of a car on the lake floor.
Fraser appears to be working a lot harder to carry Vecchio out of the lake and set him on the hood of the car than he was to carry a caribou carcass probably weighing twice as much into the coroner's office and sling it onto an examining table. I will put this down to (a) his going soft in the city and (b) the fact that hauling Ray was much more emotionally intense than hauling the caribou (and he couldn't really stop to rest).
Scene 24
Tammy hurries into her office and starts shoving things into her giant purse. Tex comes in a few steps behind her.
TEX: Hey, Tammy, where's the keys to the Mustang? [sees that what she's shoving in her bag is stacks of cash] Tammy?
TAMMY: Get 'em yourself.
TEX: Put that back. What are you doing?
TAMMY: What the heck does it look like I'm doing? I'm taking everything you own and I'm leaving you, you jerk.
TEX: Why?
TAMMY: Well, because I've been selling stolen cars, that's why.
TEX: Don't lie to me. There's another man, isn't there?
TAMMY: Good God, there've been dozens of them. Where have you been?
TEX: Well, forget it. You can break my heart, but you can't steal my money. [pulls a gun on her]
TAMMY: You haven't got the guts.
VECCHIO: [storming in] Okay, drop it.
TAMMY: [thinking fast] Thank God you're here. He's gone crazy. He's going to kill me.
VECCHIO: Drop the gun, Tex, you're under arrest.
TEX: But she's stealing my money.
VECCHIO: I said drop it.
FRASER: He didn't do it, Ray.
VECCHIO: He's the one with the gun.
FRASER: But she's the one with the algae on her shoes.
VECCHIO: Okay, freeze.
FRASER: She couldn't have done it alone.
GARY: Freeze!
VECCHIO: Gary?
FRASER: Gary.
GARY: Yeah. Put your hands in the air.
TAMMY: Gary, darlin', shoot 'em. Shoot 'em all.
TEX: I can't believe this. You're leaving me for a — a salesman?
TAMMY: Shoot him first.
GARY: No, Tammy, we're not going to shoot anybody. We're just gonna tie 'em up and get on a plane and get out of here, like we planned.
TAMMY: Oh, good God, you're as big a coward as he is. Well, never mind. I'll just give your ticket to someone else. [She pulls out a gun and shoots. Everyone hits the deck.]
GARY: She chipped my plaque.
FRASER: It's a superficial wound. [to Tex] Can you watch him till the police come?
TEX: Sure.
FRASER: Thank you.
Fraser tosses Tex Gary's gun. Gary tries to buff out the chip on his plaque, but it's ruined.
So Tex is only as crooked as a regular used car salesman; he's not in on the selling-stealing-reselling scheme.
Scene 25
Tammy hurries out to the lot, hops in a car, and drives off. Vecchio follows but is too late to shoot out her tires, so he hops in another car, gets the keys out of the visor, and drives off in pursuit. Fraser jumps into Tammy's path.
TAMMY: You're testing the wrong person, Billy Bob.
She keeps speeding at him. He does not budge. She is not going to stop the way Lenny did. At the last possible second, Vecchio t-bones her out of the way before she can hit Fraser. They rush to her driver's side window.
VECCHIO: Dead?
Fraser pulls Tammy back against the seat.
TAMMY: I hate men.
FRASER: No, just disappointed.
VECCHIO: What is wrong with you?
FRASER: Pardon me?
VECCHIO: [He gives Fraser his handcuffs.] What the hell is wrong with you? She almost killed you in there. Didn't you think she would flatten you here?
FRASER: Oh, I knew she was prepared to kill me. [He cuffs Tammy to the steering wheel.]
VECCHIO: Well, then, why did you stand there?
FRASER: Well, I heard you coming. I had to keep her attention fixed on me long enough so that you would be able to intervene.
VECCHIO: But what if I didn't?
FRASER: Well, I knew that you would take the car parked next to hers, and the Plymouth accelerates two seconds faster over the quarter-mile than the Cadillac.
VECCHIO: I took the Chevy.
FRASER: Oh. Oh, well. You know, you really should tell me next time.
VECCHIO: Tell you what?
FRASER: Well, I mean, if you're going to change a plan like that — I was standing in front of a car, Ray.
VECCHIO: Plan? Plan? What plan? You mean to tell me — there were two cars to choose from, all right? Are you telling me I took the wrong car?
FRASER: No apologies necessary. It's already forgotten.
VECCHIO: Do we gotta pay for these cars?
FRASER: I would imagine so, yes.
VECCHIO: Welsh is gonna have my butt.
This is another miscommunication along the lines of "I wasn't playing along, I was begging for my life!" Both times, when Fraser realizes he and Ray were not at all on the same page, he says "Oh. Oh, well."
Maybe now they're even.
Scene 26
Night in the city.
FRASER: Twenty-nine minutes, Ray.
VECCHIO: Okay, okay, I don't need a countdown.
LENNY: Okay, this is the twelve hundred block. It's got to be around here someplace.
VECCHIO: Can you believe these skinflints? They couldn't have just ordered from across the street?
FRASER: Maybe they wanted the perfect pizza at a perfect price.
VECCHIO: Sixteen bucks? I'm not paying. Your job, kid. You pay.
LENNY: Why should I pay? You're driving.
FRASER: And I'm afraid I left my wallet in the lake, Ray.
VECCHIO: What about him? [Diefenbaker barks.]
FRASER: Well, I don't like to touch his savings account.
LENNY: Just tell them you couldn't find the building.
VECCHIO: Oh, yeah, that'll work.
LENNY: Worked on you.
Is Vecchio driving Lenny around really more cost-effective than buying Lenny another hundred-dollar used car? Tex wasn't in on the scheme, so he might even cut Lenny a deal on something reliable on account of it was neither of their faults this whole thing went down in the first place. Tammy and Gary don't have to make any type of restitution? Come on. I don't see a police detective delivering pizzas as a long-term solution.
Title-wise, for the first time I've got nothing. Is there a previous-film-or-something reference I'm missing here?
Cumulative confirmed body count: 5
Red uniform: Ordering pizza at home (unbuttoned, so presumably just coming off guard duty?), out all night after the pizza thing, the following morning, accompanying Lenny to juvenile detention