why i don't talk about things

[fox]

So I thought I'd take this opportunity, while the system is down (edit: only down for a couple of minutes, as it turns out, but things crashing in the week of the publication deadline? um, no), to say a couple of things about how I'm not talking about stuff.

I'm sure it's frustrating. In fact I know it is; darththalia has said more than once, in various situations, that she hopes I'll eventually explain what I'm referring to because she's making herself nuts with wondering.

I know that. But I don't refuse to talk about stuff for the purpose of driving people nuts with wondering. I'm as frustrated with myself as you are, when I get like this. Possibly more so. Because I wish I could talk about it -- in fact, I know I could, but I can't bring myself to do it.

[This is related in large part to the childish superstition about telling what you wished for on your birthday candles, or whatever. For some reason I'm very susceptible to that one. (It's #53, behind that link, that's to do with this.)]

Whenever I think oh, for christ's sake, get over it -- and I do -- the next thought is inevitably but right now it's okay, even if it's not good, and what if after, it's not? don't rock the boat. (This is no way to be, I know. I know.) I circle like this for long enough that eventually, another thought gets added to the mix, which is if you bring it up now, everyone will say "that's the big deal you didn't want to talk about? what were you so worried for?", which may be true, because I know it's hardly ever actually a big deal; big deals, I do talk about.

Of course related to this last is the worry that should I happen to give in and talk about whatever it is (I do this all the time, obviously), people will laugh at me. I know they will, because I laugh at them. It's not mockery, it's not cruel at all -- it's just teasing, and we all get it sometimes, and we can all take it as well as dish it out, and I know and most of my friends know when to quit it, and it's fine; so I don't know why I'm so often so reluctant to make myself the object of it.

But I am. I am paralyzed by a cycle of anxiety -- whatever-it-is makes me a little anxious, and the idea of talking about it makes me more anxious, and the fact that I keep myself from talking about it makes me annoyed and anxious, and it never ends. (That's what makes it vicious. And a circle.)

Comments

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

i don't think i actually understand the first thing you said.

second thing: i don't think we're talking about the same thing. unless we are. (i'll just be over here.)

[datlowen.livejournal.com]

You've made three posts at least on this non-subject. If you can't bring yourself to talk about it, why do you keep talking about not-it?

Also, I was just shooting in the dark, but I know the kinds of things you get all worked up about.

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

1. maybe i should have phrased it differently. i can't get myself to talk about it. but i try! and i fail. and i make myself (and the bunch of you, very likely) nuts.

2. :-P

[datlowen.livejournal.com]

Well, but if you start, and then fail, and then post it anyway, I think you're just asking for someone to kick you in the seat to get you to do what you know you have to do and are intending to do anyway but just haven't yet done.

So consider yourself kicked.

[wholenother.livejournal.com]

and i make myself (and the bunch of you, very likely) nuts

Too late for most of us. Take all the time you need. But . . . sheesh, Fox!