fox | why i don't talk about things

So I thought I'd take this opportunity, while the system is down (edit: only down for a couple of minutes, as it turns out, but things crashing in the week of the publication deadline? um, no), to say a couple of things about how I'm not talking about stuff.

I'm sure it's frustrating. In fact I know it is;

darththalia has said more than once, in various situations, that she hopes I'll eventually explain what I'm referring to because she's making herself nuts with wondering.

I know that. But I don't refuse to talk about stuff for the purpose of driving people nuts with wondering. I'm as frustrated with myself as you are, when I get like this. Possibly more so. Because I wish I could talk about it -- in fact, I know I could, but I can't bring myself to do it.

[This is related in large part to the childish superstition about telling what you wished for on your birthday candles, or whatever. For some reason I'm very susceptible to that one. (It's #53, behind that link, that's to do with this.)]

Whenever I think oh, for christ's sake, get over it -- and I do -- the next thought is inevitably but right now it's okay, even if it's not good, and what if after, it's not? don't rock the boat. (This is no way to be, I know. I know.) I circle like this for long enough that eventually, another thought gets added to the mix, which is if you bring it up now, everyone will say "that's the big deal you didn't want to talk about? what were you so worried for?", which may be true, because I know it's hardly ever actually a big deal; big deals, I do talk about.

Of course related to this last is the worry that should I happen to give in and talk about whatever it is (I do this all the time, obviously), people will laugh at me. I know they will, because I laugh at them. It's not mockery, it's not cruel at all -- it's just teasing, and we all get it sometimes, and we can all take it as well as dish it out, and I know and most of my friends know when to quit it, and it's fine; so I don't know why I'm so often so reluctant to make myself the object of it.

But I am. I am paralyzed by a cycle of anxiety -- whatever-it-is makes me a little anxious, and the idea of talking about it makes me more anxious, and the fact that I keep myself from talking about it makes me annoyed and anxious, and it never ends. (That's what makes it vicious. And a circle.)

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Here's an idea... write down (type up? -- hey, interesting semantics there but I digress) what you want to say. To the point, directed at whomever or those people you're frustrated with. Get it all out and then....rip it up. Shred it. But find a way to let your feelings out.

If you can't bring yourself to talk about it, why do you keep doing it? Because whether or not you name what-it-is specifically, you're still talking about it, which in your head is just as bad as actually saying what it is.

That said, I think you should just call him, and if you won't, I will.

i don't think i actually understand the first thing you said.

second thing: i don't think we're talking about the same thing. unless we are. (i'll just be over here.)

Oh, I'm so very with you on basically all of this. On the "but I should make a move/say something, but if I do, it might go badly, and right now things are OK...." mindset. I'm SO all about that. And then there's the "I don't want to say anything about this because it might jinx it, or might cause people to think I'm crazy, but I really really want to talk about it!". I more often err on the side of "but I want to talk about it!" than you do, but there are still definitely times when I do not say everything I want, for fear... (there is currently a situation I am quite curious to see what happens, but have not mentioned anything about it for fear of it being nothing...)

You've made three posts at least on this non-subject. If you can't bring yourself to talk about it, why do you keep talking about not-it?

Also, I was just shooting in the dark, but I know the kinds of things you get all worked up about.

i'm often reminded of you, actually. wish i could put the whole thing in the freezer. :-)

1. maybe i should have phrased it differently. i can't get myself to talk about it. but i try! and i fail. and i make myself (and the bunch of you, very likely) nuts.

2. :-P

Well, but if you start, and then fail, and then post it anyway, I think you're just asking for someone to kick you in the seat to get you to do what you know you have to do and are intending to do anyway but just haven't yet done.

So consider yourself kicked.

You could test the waters with one individual who is sworn to secrecy. It might relieve the pressure.

1.) Oh, man, I know exactly what this is like.

2.) At the same time--

datlowen has a point. All of the almost-talking-about it really seems to be geared to make your friends sit you down and interrogate you. And I think you might be relieved if we did.

Just a thought.

*is ready with the bright light and the sodium pentothal whenever you are. or the comfy chair and the soft pillows. whichever.*

1. of course you do. i'd have been surprised if you didn't -- you being, you know, me, and everything.

2. he really does have a point. like i said, or at any rate meant to say, if i really didn't want to talk about it at all, i wouldn't. or, the angel is trying to talk about it, and the devil is holding the angel's head under water. or something.

(bring out ... the comfy chair! heh.)

I think this may be the most confusing you've ever been!

You realize that I'm mostly teasing when I give you a hard time about this? You know, teasing, that thing you don't like. I'm sorry if I've been making things harder on you; if I did, it was totally unintentional. But I still feel bad.

And, you know, you're talking about being paralyzed by anxiety about talking about whatever it is, but I've gathered from your extremely cryptic posts that you haven't been doing much about the actual issue either. I wonder if, subconsciously, you're conflating the two things, so it feels like it you talk about it you'll also be taking action, and you're afraid of that.

I think you have every right to talk about it or not talk about it, or take action or not take action, but I hope you're able to separate the two things, and to choose what you want to do instead of feeling like you're trapped. 'Cause as hard as choosing it, being trapped isn't much fun either.

(Oh, and I'm constantly turning off Cubs games if they're losing, because I figure they'll do better if I don't watch, so I totally get the superstition thing.)

and i make myself (and the bunch of you, very likely) nuts

Too late for most of us. Take all the time you need. But . . . sheesh, Fox!

Hey, look, it's a Strip-o-Master!

See, I help in my own way.

8^-

why i don't talk about things

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