![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
return to Due South: season 1 episode 9 "A Cop, a Mountie and a Baby"
A Cop, a Mountie and a Baby
air date December 1, 1994
If you know me, you know I have feelings about the lack of a serial comma in this episode's title.
Scene 1
A baby is sleeping in a carrier. A woman buckles them in. She takes some bottles out of a warmer and tucks them in a baby bag, keeping an eye on the cracked bedroom door and being as quiet as she can. She is tiptoeing out of her apartment when a man comes and pushes the door closed.
MAN: What are you doing?
WOMAN: I need some stuff for Jamie.
MAN: What stuff?
WOMAN: Milk.
MAN: You got milk.
WOMAN: And diapers, okay? He ran out.
MAN: No, he didn't. What are you doing, Louise? You trying to get me killed? [The baby starts to cry.]
WOMAN (LOUISE): Vinny, please. I just — I need to go out for a little while.
MAN (VINNY): And I told you no. I need you here. I need you.
LOUISE: I hate you for doing this to us, Vinny. I swear to God, I hate you.
VINNY: Good, Louise, real good. Now you wanna shut off the water works?
A couple of guys bust in their door and push Vinny up against the wall. Louise runs into the bedroom with the baby. A third guy comes in.
THIRD GUY: Had a date last night, Vinny. [The first two guys beat Vinny up a bit. Louise is watching from the bedroom door.] What happened?
VINNY: I'm getting the money. I just don't have it yet.
THIRD GUY: Break his legs.
VINNY: No! I'll get the money, Claude! I swear it, I'll have it tomorrow, man!
THIRD GUY (CLAUDE): Vinny, let's be honest with ourselves. A little punk like you will never have ten grand. Shouldn't have been at that crap table in the first place. So learn your lesson and take it like a man.
VINNY: No, Claude! I can get it. The envelope, man. On the TV. Check the envelope, you'll see.
CLAUDE: The envelope. So this is how you're going to pay me back. You're going to use your kid. [Louise panics and gets away from the door] Vinny, I was feeling sorry for you. Now, I'm not. So. Tomorrow, you bring me the money, or you're dead.
The three guys fuck off. Vinny puts his hand over his eyes.
VINNY: My God. [calls to Louise] Louise. Louise? [He gets up and looks in the bedroom; she is not there.] Damn it, Louise. [He grabs a shirt and rushes out of the apartment.]
Both Claude and Louise have Canadian accents that betray them. "I just need to go oat for a while," "I was feeling sorrey for you." Bless.
Scene 2
Louise is hurrying down the street with the baby carrier and baby bag. She runs up to the stoop of Fraser's building.
LOUISE: The Mountie. Have you guys seen the Mountie?
STATLER: Do you have an appointment?
LOUISE: Where is he? [Statler starts to point in one direction.]
WALDORF: Try the coffee shop. [He points in the other direction. Statler changes to agree with him.]
LOUISE: That way? Okay.
She picks up the baby's pacifier where she'd dropped it on the sidewalk and hurries off.
These are not the same Statler and Waldorf as in "Free Willie," but I think we're supposed to think they are; it's a Black man on the left and a white man on the right, sort of acting as drunken doormen.
So—this is the first time someone's in trouble and coming to seek Fraser out, rather than his happening to notice something going down and barging in to help on his own initiative (whether the person he was helping wanted it or not). Only took a few months, but he's got a reputation now, innit.
Scene 3
Fraser and Vecchio are in Joan's Place, a greasy spoon diner.
VECCHIO: I'm not talking about just a haircut here, Fraser. We're talking about a change in lifestyle.
FRASER: There's something wrong with your life, Ray?
VECCHIO: No, there's something wrong with my hair, and that reflects on my life. Your hair is who you are, Fraser. It makes a statement.
FRASER: Oh, I see.
WAITRESS WITH A DARK BOB: More coffee?
VECCHIO: Please.
FRASER: What does it say?
VECCHIO: What?
FRASER: Your hair. What does it say?
VECCHIO: At the moment?
FRASER: Yeah. [Diefenbaker grumbles. He probably wants pie.]
VECCHIO: Well, let's see. [He uses the napkin dispenser as a mirror.] It's straight and slicked back, so I guess it's got that mess with me and you're dead style. Good for the job. The contouring around the ears? That's unexpected. That says watch out, this guy might be dangerous. And then the, ah, feathering around the back? Well, that's a nod to the female demographic. So what's it saying? It's saying deadly and dangerous but not afraid to cry.
FRASER: Really? What does my hair say? [picks up the napkin dispenser]
VECCHIO: Oh, that's not hair, Fraser, that's a pelt.
FRASER: Oh.
VECCHIO: [to the waitress bringing their check] Thank you.
FRASER: Thank you. Thank you kindly.
Louise is crossing the street toward the diner. She sees Vinny looking for her and hides behind Vecchio's car. Vinny is frustrated. He comes around the car. She is not there, but he sees Chekov's Pacifier on the ground and knows she has been there; he picks it up and tries to guess which way she's gone. Vecchio and Fraser come out of the diner.
VECCHIO: You know, I just have this feeling that something is missing —
Vinny comes running up the sidewalk looking for Louise and bumps into Fraser.
FRASER: Pardon me. [sees that Vinny dropped something] Oh, sir, ah — [He gives up and throws it away. It is a pacifier.] It's to be expected, Ray. I mean, after all, as a man ages —
VECCHIO: So what are you saying? You saying I'm thinning?
FRASER: No, no, no. I'm not saying you're thinning.
VECCHIO: You want to see thinning? I'm gonna show you thinning. [He looks around and spots an attractive younger woman bringing a bicycle out of a building.] Hey there, you need a hand?
ATTRACTIVE YOUNGER WOMAN: That's okay, sir.
VECCHIO: It's gone, Fraser.
FRASER: What's gone, Ray?
VECCHIO: That thing, that je ne sais quoi.
FRASER: It's just a bald spot, Ray. [Diefenbaker gets in the car.]
VECCHIO: Oh, two minutes ago I'm thinning, now it's a bald spot? [They get in the car.]
FRASER: Well, I'm sorry, Ray, but I thought you realized.
VECCHIO: Where? Where? At the back? Is it bad? [He looks in the rearview mirror.] How bad — [They both turn to look in the back seat.] Fraser, there's a baby in my car.
FRASER: Yes, there is, Ray. There certainly is.
They look at the baby. The baby looks very concerned.
I feel like this scene is mainly about Marciano being a good sport re: his thinning hair.
Credits roll.
Paul Gross
David Marciano
Beau Starr
Daniel Kash
Tony Craig
Catherine Bruhier
(plus Lincoln the dog)
Natalie Radford, Mark Ruffalo
Yep, almost 20 years before he was Bruce Banner, Ruffalo was a young dad with a gambling problem. That must make this episode a very valuable play in Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, if your house rules allow television credits.
Scene 4
The guys have taken the baby out of the car and are back in the diner. Fraser is feeding the baby and surrounded by women. Vecchio is sitting at the booth.
WAITRESS WITH A BLONDE CHIGNON: Isn't he cute! I mean, call me old-fashioned, but I think there's nothing as attractive as a man with baby formula on his sleeve.
VECCHIO: Oh, please!
FRASER: Oh, could you, uh, would you mind —
Two of the waitresses collide trying to get to a rag to clean up Fraser's sleeve. The waitress with the dark bob wins, dabs his sleeve, and then mops his brow.
WAITRESS WITH A DARK BOB: Anything else I can get you?
FRASER: Yes, actually. If you would just, uh . . .
WAITRESS WITH A DARK BOB: Oh, sorry. [wipes the baby's mouth]
FRASER: Thank you.
VECCHIO: This is pathetic.
FRASER: I know, but he seems to be enjoying it.
VECCHIO: Not him. You. [stands up] Okay, diaper changing time. Any volunteers? [The women scatter.] I didn't think so. Come on, let's dig us up a social worker.
FRASER: Oh, you think that's wise, Ray? [He starts loading the baby into the carrier.] I mean, if the mother comes looking for him —
VECCHIO: What mother? The kid was abandoned.
FRASER: Well, not according to this. Look. Blankets, cloth diapers, extra clothing. The food is all homemade and in reusable jars. This mother cares about her child very much.
VECCHIO: Oh, yeah. That's why she left him in the back of a parked car.
FRASER: I don't think she planned to, Ray. I think she's desperate, and she needs our help.
VECCHIO: How do you know that?
FRASER: I think she saw us in here but couldn't attract our attention. And she has to live nearby. She couldn't have run very far with all of this in her arms.
VECCHIO: Oh, come on, Fraser. Moot point. [They head out of the diner again.] Procedure is, you find an abandoned kid, you call a social worker, and tag, she's it. Then he goes to a holding center.
FRASER: Is that like an orphanage?
VECCHIO: No. It's a very modern facility where they hold the kid till they can place him in a foster home.
FRASER: An orphanage.
VECCHIO: No, it's not an orphanage.
FRASER: What if the mother wants the child back?
VECCHIO: Well, then, there'll be an investigation. If it turns out there was extenuating circumstances, maybe.
FRASER: I see.
VECCHIO: Oh, come on, Fraser, don't give me that big-eyed Mountie look. It's police procedure. Now give me the kid. Give me the kid. [Diefenbaker barks.]
FRASER: Diefenbaker, no. You heard him. It's procedure. [to Vecchio] He has a philosophical objection, you understand.
They get back in the car. The carrier is between them on the front seat.
VECCHIO: So, what? The wolf has a thing about family values?
FRASER: Well, most wolves do. Surely you've heard of stories of wolves raising children that were abandoned in the wilderness.
VECCHIO: Those are not historical accounts, Fraser, those are Disney movies.
FRASER: Myth springs from truth, Ray. Most wolves form very strong loyalties and will kill to defend them. I know. I've experienced it.
VECCHIO: Really?
FRASER: Oh, it's all right. He knows you. Just keep your hands where he can see them. [Vecchio puts his hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel.] And make the puffin face. [He puffs out his cheeks but keeps his upper lip stiff. The baby giggles.]
VECCHIO: I am not gonna make the puffin face.
FRASER: Make the puffin face.
VECCHIO: I don't even know what a puffin is. [Fraser does the face again.] Oh, you look ridiculous.
FRASER: No, I don't.
VECCHIO: Oh, yes you do.
Okay.
Item one: He does look ridiculous. Item two: He should do it anyway. The puffin face is adorable.
Now that that's out of the way, I pretty much categorically reject Fraser's reasoning in this scene. It is a mistake to suggest there is a one-to-one correlation between cloth diapering, homemade baby food, etc. and maternal[1] love. Worse still is the implication that a baby in disposable diapers and with store-bought baby food must have a mother who loves him less. Fuck OFF with all of that. As it happens, Louise probably can't afford commercial baby food, and she told Vinny she was on her way out to get diapers, so maybe she uses cloth when she can't get disposables. I would like Fraser not to jump to judgy conclusions, is what I'm saying. That baby is bottle-fed, buddy; gonna make a value judgment on that? No, thought not, so shove the rest of it as well. [1]I only say "maternal" because Fraser flaps his yap about the baby's mother, but he should have said parent (or parents), of course, because Jesus Christ. Meanwhile, I also reject Vecchio's suggestion that a parent who abandons a child does not love that child. Maybe these blankets and clothes and cloth diapers and reusable baby food jars are everything the baby owns, you know? He could be well-loved and abandoned. Both things can be possible!
ALSO, I'm bugged by Vecchio's default assumption that the social worker will be a woman. Also, okay so Fraser is bugged by the idea of an orphanage, but is he intending to keep the baby until such time as the
motherparent comes back to get him? Suppose leaving the baby was the safest thing for the baby? True or false: Benton Fraser always thinks things all the way through. (False. That statement is FALSE.)I mean okay I get what they're trying to do with this scene, but almost every word of it gets my back all the way up. I'm going to look at Fraser doing the puffin face again.
Scene 5
Fraser and Vecchio are outside a government building watching kids play on a playground in an asphalt yard where the leaves need raking up. The place is fenced in with chain link topped by barbed wire.
FRASER: So this is the . . .
VECCHIO: It looks better on the inside.
FRASER: Well, I — I'm sure it does.
VECCHIO: Fraser, it's not a workhouse. They don't put kids on treadmills here.
FRASER: No, no, no. Of course not. [He sighs. Diefenbaker barks.] We'll be right back. [They go in through the gate. Vecchio shows someone his badge. The kids stop playing and stare at them as they walk by.] They seem happy enough.
VECCHIO: Hi, how are you? [A little kid hops off a swing, runs up, and pulls on Vecchio's jacket pocket.]
LITTLE KID: Are you my daddy?
VECCHIO: Uh, no, kid, I'm not. [He pats the kid on the head. They keep walking.]
FRASER: Well fed, too. [The little kid follows them and grabs at Vecchio's trouser pocket.]
LITTLE KID: You're my daddy.
VECCHIO: [crouches down] No. No, kid, I'm not. I'm sure he'll be along soon enough.
FRASER: Oh, yes. Very soon.
Vecchio gives the kid some cash. Fraser rolls his eyes in disgust. Vecchio ruffles the kid's hair and stands up. They are heading on toward the building when Vecchio stops. He turns and looks over his shoulder, and the little kid is now a Dickensian urchin, dressed in rags, holding a wooden bowl and spoon. He blinks and the kid is a modern kid again holding some cash.
FRASER: [from the door of the building] Ray?
VECCHIO: Six o'clock.
FRASER: What?
VECCHIO: You got till six o'clock to find the kid's mother. After that, he hits the treadmill.
FRASER: Well, I thought you said that they didn't have any —
VECCHIO: Never mind that. Come on, get in the car.
FRASER: [to the guy letting them out through the gate again] Thank you kindly.
In the play yard, the kids gather.
OLDER KID: How much did you get?
LITTLE KID: Five big ones. [shows his buddies his fin and struts off]
OLDER KID: He's good.
BIGGER KID: Real good.
Fraser's distress about the holding center is not just for Vecchio's benefit; he's not just doing the potentially passive-aggressive thing he did with Lenny Milano's car, because he does it even when Vecchio isn't looking. It's hard to say which of them the show wants us to feel is being reasonable here. Either Fraser is your basic starting point, what a horrible place, how can this be, and Vecchio has steeled himself to the necessity of housing kids in a central setting until individual care can be found for them; or Vecchio is your basic starting point, look, government social service providers are doing the best they can in difficult circumstances, it's not luxury but it's not abuse, and Fraser is this dewy-eyed idealist who can't or won't understand that you don't always have a village available to raise a child. Could be either or both. (Also, Vecchio should have said "you have until six o'clock to find the kid's family," but obviously this episode is hung up on mothers, so I'm not going to point it out every time.)
Meanwhile, the longer-stay kids are running a racket, and Vecchio is an easy mark.
Scene 6
Vecchio's car is driving around, and then the guys are in a much nicer playground in a park, with grass and trees. There are wood chips under the play structures. A mom is pushing a kid on the swings; a dad is watching a kid climb up to go down a slide. Someone is jogging. Vecchio is talking to a couple of women with strollers—could be moms, could be nannies.
VECCHIO: You sure? She could be blonde or brunette.
STROLLER LADY 1: Uh-uh.
STROLLER LADY 2: Sorry.
Meanwhile, another woman with a stroller is getting parenting tips from Fraser.
PARK MOM: But cloth diapers? How do you prevent them from leaking?
FRASER: Sphagnum moss. It's an old Inuit method. Naturally antibacterial and holds three times its weight in liquid. [hands her a baggie full of moss]
PARK MOM: Really?
VECCHIO: Benny, you want to save the survival tips for later?
FRASER: Well, of course, Ray. [to park mom as she is going] Just make sure that you check for bugs.
VECCHIO: All right, that's three parks, two toy stores, and a Mommy and Me class. I think we've done our duty by the little tyke.
FRASER: Uh-oh. Ray, would you mind? I think he's got gas.
VECCHIO: Oh, come on, Fraser.
FRASER: No, no. I changed him. Fair's fair.
VECCHIO: [takes the baby, holds him on his shoulder, pats his back] Look, we are getting nowhere, okay? We need a better description than hair color, race, and possible matching dimples. [The baby spits up.] Oh, no! Fraser! [hands back the baby] Fra— give me something. Give me a rag. Give me the hat, give me the hat.
FRASER: No, no, no, leave it. Leave it, leave it. [sniffs at the spit-up]
VECCHIO: Fraser, this is Armani.
FRASER: It's interesting.
VECCHIO: No, it's not interesting, it's vomit. There's interesting, and then there's vomit. Now get it off of me. [Fraser scrapes a bit of the spit-up off Vecchio's shoulder on his finger.]
FRASER: This isn't formula. It's curdled. I don't think it's cow's milk. The curdles are too small.
VECCHIO: Well, who cares what it is? Get me to a dry cleaner, will you?
FRASER: Where's the nearest Dairy Mart?
Sphagnum moss: apparently true. Blonde or brunette: She could also be ginger, could she not, or have an artificial hair color (as we, but not our heroes, know she does). Dairy Mart: I'm sorry, this is a chain of convenience stores. Expecting to get scientific expertise on partially digested milk products from the manager at a Dairy Mart is like expecting to get odds-based dice-rolling advice from the manager at a 7-11.
Scene 7
DAIRY MART MANAGER: Yep, that's vomit, all right.
FRASER: Yes, but do you recognize the curds?
DAIRY MART MANAGER: I don't know. It's a little chewed up. Maybe if you let it harden.
VECCHIO: On suede? What are you, a sadist?
FRASER: Perhaps an educated guess.
DAIRY MART MANAGER: Well, if it came out of the child's stomach, I'd say goat's milk. Smaller curd, easier on the tummy.
VECCHIO: You have anybody who special orders?
DAIRY MART MANAGER: Oh, yeah, a few. Some have allergies, some just buy it for their kids.
VECCHIO: How many?
Goat milk is easier to digest than cow milk. This kid is pretty small, though. A few months old, maybe four or five months at most? He has homemade baby food in reusable jars, so he's started on solids; maybe six months. Still little enough that he ought to be breast-fed or on formula, though. Not ready for dairy milk at all.
Anyway, though, seriously, this dude at a convenience store that happens to be named Dairy Mart is an expert on what kind of milk leads to what shape of spit-up? Come on. What about Mr. Madison from the police lab? What about any pediatrician they might have access to? I'm calling BS on the Dairy Mart angle. Also, the nearest Dairy Mart to that park is probably in a much nicer neighborhood than where Louise and Vinny live, so why would that be where they special order from? Also also, aren't you more likely to be able to special order goat's milk from a proper grocery store than from a convenience store just because the convenience store has the word "dairy" in its name?
Scene 8
Fraser and Vecchio are chasing down the goat-milk leads from the Dairy Mart. Music cue: "L'Estralla" by Dave Wall. A postal carrier in an apartment building points them to a particular unit. A woman holding a baby answers the door. Vecchio checks her off his list as the door closes. At the next place, an older couple answers. The postal carrier gives them some more pointers. At the third place, a boy answers the door carrying a pet goat.
Naked baby on the ground,
Only sky above
I communicate this to you
My only thought is love.
At the fourth place, a mom counts her children to be sure she has them all and the one Fraser and Vecchio have in the carrier isn't one of hers. She's missing two, but then one of her older ones rolls up with a baby in a stroller. Vecchio checks her off his list.
The postal carrier is giving more pointers. Vecchio comes to pull Fraser along with him.
Girl got hands like starfish
Pushing into the night
Makes no effort to conceal
Her energy's delight.
Fraser and Vecchio are knocking on a door. No one is answering. Vecchio crosses it off his list and they turn to go.
Making up the infinite
You are where you belong
You remember body and soul
Must act as one
VINNY: [finally answering the door] Yeah?
This song was apparently substantially rewritten before it was recorded by Big Sugar, and/so I can't find the lyrics to this version online.
Scene 9
Fraser and Vecchio are in Vinny and Louise's apartment. Fraser is holding the baby.
VINNY: Things have been kinda tough, you know, with me out of work and Louise worried about how we're gonna take care of Jamie. I guess she just snapped. The doctor said she was just depressed after the baby, all she needed was a few weeks and she'd get over it, but . . .
VECCHIO: Where is she now?
VINNY: Oh, she's out looking for Jamie. I mean we both were, right? But then I came back. You know, I thought maybe somebody would call.
FRASER: No, I know. We ran into each other outside the coffee shop.
VINNY: Yeah. Sorry about that. I was pretty freaked out. And Louise, she was even worse. I mean, she practically fell apart when she realized what she did. She's crazy about this kid. She — I've never seen her cry like that, right? I say to her, I say, "It's okay, you just made a mistake." You can understand a mistake, can't you, Detective?
Vecchio is not terribly impressed. He looks at Fraser.
FRASER: Do you have any identification?
I'll take a moment to be angry at the doctor on Louise's behalf, because post-partum depression is real and she won't just "get over it" in "a few weeks," ugh. Anyway it's right that Fraser is asking for some proof that Vinny has some sort of custodial relationship with this baby.
Scene 10
Louise is waiting in the entry at Fraser's building. The postal carrier comes in.
LOUISE: The Mountie. Have you seen him anywhere?
POSTAL CARRIER: Maybe. You his girlfriend?
LOUISE: No. Did he have a baby with him?
POSTAL CARRIER: Oh! You got him babysitting for you, huh?
LOUISE: Please, can you just tell me if you've seen him.
POSTAL CARRIER: You live on Hastings?
LOUISE: Yeah.
POSTAL CARRIER: Then you better hurry. [Louise runs.] Babysitting. Why didn't I think of that.
I like the idea that there's a citywide network of public servants. But: The mail carrier knows she gave Fraser and Vecchio directions to an address on Hastings, so if she's confirming that Louise is the one who lives there, fine, but why does that mean Louise should hurry? Must be because if she's not there to take the baby when they bring him home, they'll have to take him back to the holding center? And "Babysitting, why didn't I think of that" doesn't make sense to me from a postal carrier who's been seeing Fraser with the baby all afternoon; she'd have had that thought hours ago, surely?
Scene 11
Fraser and Vecchio are in Vinny and Louise's apartment. Vinny is holding the baby.
VECCHIO: All right. Father's driver's license matches the baby's birth certificate. I'm happy.
FRASER: Do you have any family photographs? [Vinny goes to get one.]
VECCHIO: Benny, it's the kid's father.
VINNY: It's okay.
VECCHIO: Everything matches up.
VINNY: He kinda looked like Kermit the Frog at first, but that's him. [to baby] Innit, little guy? Mm-hmm. [The baby coos.]
Fraser looks at the picture and has to agree Vinny is legit, but he isn't happy about it.
FRASER: Diefenbaker, this is the baby's father. [Diefenbaker grumbles and sniffs the baby.] Well, uh, thank you for your patience.
VINNY: Really? You don't know what this means to Louise and me. We won't forget you.
VECCHIO: Just don't leave the baby unattended again. [He and Fraser and Diefenbaker leave the apartment.] Naaah, I don't know. You know, my mother never left me alone, and if she did, there was always somebody there to look after me. [Diefenbaker doesn't want to come with them.]
FRASER: Diefenbaker!
VECCHIO: Oh, great. We've got a jealous wolf now?
FRASER: What is it? [Diefenbaker is clawing at the apartment door.]
VECCHIO: Oh, come on. He's already passed the sniff test. What more do you want?
FRASER: Maybe I wasn't specific enough. Maybe I didn't ask the right kind of questions?
VECCHIO: Oh, what's he suppose to be? Some kind of lupine lie detector now?
FRASER: Pacifier.
VECCHIO: What?
FRASER: He threw the baby's pacifier onto the ground. [He kicks the apartment door open. Vinny is already gone; he is on his way down the fire escape with the baby.] You take the front.
Vecchio rushes back out to run downstairs. Fraser goes out the window. Vinny is loading the baby carrier into the car. Fraser tests an electric wire, then pulls off his belt and zip-lines down to the alley, jumping out of the way rather than get run over by Vinny reversing toward him. Vinny drives. Fraser runs. Diefenbaker chases the car.
FRASER: Diefenbaker!
LOUISE: [She couldn't hurry quite fast enough.] You! My baby! What did you do with him?
FRASER: Are you Louise?
LOUISE: Yes! I gave you my baby. So, um — where is he?
FRASER: [points to where Vinny has driven away] His father. I —
LOUISE: [crying] Oh my God. He's gonna sell him. He's gonna sell Jamie.
The pacifier thing must be concluding that Vinny was lying about being in a panic over the missing baby.
This young woman's performance is pretty convincingly upsetting. I've said I'm definitely the soft target audience for this kind of story about parents losing young children—but to me she's sure nailing it.
Scene 12
Fraser, Vecchio, Diefenbaker, and Louise are in Louise and Vinny's apartment.
VECCHIO: Nineteen-seventy-four white Chevy convertible. Illinois plate. Robert John David eight zero nine. No, no, do not apprehend. He's got a kid with him. Just get me location.
LOUISE: At first I thought he was just letting off steam. He was out of work, nothing to do but stare at the four walls, so he would go out at night and bet a little. Lose, mostly. He would pick up a day of work here or there, so I thought it was just a few bucks. Until his unemployment checks started to disappear.
FRASER: How much did he lose?
LOUISE: He wouldn't tell me. But the man, the one who threatened him, he said ten thousand dollars.
VECCHIO: Musta been some roll.
LOUISE: Yeah, well, if you ask me, I think they saw him coming.
FRASER: And the baby?
LOUISE: It was so stupid. I thought he was just talking crazy like he does sometimes when things get bad, but I never thought that he would — there was this man who came by the neighborhood, and he said that he worked for this lawyer who specialized in helping people like us. People who couldn't take care of their kids. I told him to go to hell, but Vinny — all Vinny could see was how much he cost us. Doctors' bills, grocery money. I couldn't work, so of course that was Jamie's fault, too. And Vinny, he was just — he was just so angry all the time. He wouldn't even hold him. His own kid. He's not — he's not a bad guy. He didn't used to be.
FRASER: We'll find him.
VECCHIO: Look, if you want us to arrest him, you're gonna have to swear out a complaint.
FRASER: Is that what you want?
LOUISE: They — they say that you believe in people. That you're the only one in the neighborhood without locks on his doors.
FRASER: Yes, well, that's — not entirely intentional.
VECCHIO: Someone stole them.
FRASER: This attorney. Do you remember his name?
Louise nods and goes to pull a card out from under a refrigerator magnet. She gives it to Fraser: "B.D. Morisot Esq. Family Law".
Okay, I'm oddly glad to hear Vecchio say someone stole the locks off Fraser's doors, because I know for sure the super said he found the key when he showed him the place, but I also know he doesn't lock the door when he goes out and hasn't since "Diefenbaker's Day Off" (even though the lock is visible from the inside in "Chicago Holiday").
I do like that in this short time Fraser has become a folk hero. I also like the topspin Louise puts on "People who can't take care of their kids"—it's clear that she bitterly resents the suggestion that she can't take care of her kid.
I still believe Vecchio's readout of the license plate should have been Romeo, Juliet, Delta.
Scene 13
RECEPTIONIST: Morisot and Associates, Attorneys at Law. Hold, please. Morisot and Associates, Attorneys at Law. How can I help you? She's in a meeting. Would you like to leave another message? Thank you.
CLIENT: Look, it's been thirty minutes. Now, can I just go in and drop off what I —
RECEPTIONIST: You got a chair?
CLIENT: Yeah.
RECEPTIONIST: You got a magazine?
CLIENT: Uh-huh, but I just want —
RECEPTIONIST: Sit.
The client sits. The receptionist picks up her magazine. Vecchio slaps his badge in front of it.
VECCHIO: You got a mouthpiece named Morisot here?
RECEPTIONIST: It all depends on what flatfoot is asking.
FRASER: You know, Ray, this may not be best —
VECCHIO: I'll tell you what, Millie. You get Morisot out here, or I hold a seminar on black market baby-selling in your lobby.
RECEPTIONIST: [unmoved] Magazine?
VECCHIO: [turns to people in waiting area] Okay, how many of you folks are here to arrange for adoptions?
FRASER: Ray, we have no evidence this —
VECCHIO: Fraser, look, this is how it works, okay: A sleazeball lawyer rents a fancy office, and poor suckers like these thinks he's legit. Next thing you know, he's buying and selling babies like rugs in the casbah. [A woman carrying a toddler comes by.] Excuse me, ma'am, do you know what could happen to a little tyke in a place like this?
TODDLER MOM: We just came to use the restroom.
A lawyer in a power suit appears in the hallway. Vinny is further back in a conference room door with the baby carrier.
FANCY LAWYER: I'm Ms. Morisot. Can I help you, Detective?
VECCHIO: Yeah, you can turn that baby over to me or I can slap a pair of handcuffs on you.
FANCY LAWYER (MS. MORISOT): Perhaps you should step in.
VECCHIO: Perhaps we should. [They follow her into the conference room.]
MS. MORISOT: [shows a couple of clients out of the conference room] This will just take a minute. [closes the door, rounds on Vecchio] Now just what the hell is this all about?
FRASER: Ms. Morisot, we have reason to believe that that child has been put up for adoption without the full knowledge and agreement of both of its parents.
VECCHIO: Which makes you a fraud, a kidnapper, and not a very nice person.
MS. MORISOT: Detective, I can't decide if you are naturally offensive or just naturally ignorant. In either case, it might behoove you to check your facts before shooting your mouth off.
VECCHIO: How much did she offer you, Vinny? Forty, fifty grand for that kid?
VINNY: Can't you do something? Get him out of here.
MS. MORISOT: I hate to burst your bubble, Detective, but this is a completely legal adoption. Any compensation the parents may or may not receive is fully allowable under Illinois law.
VECCHIO: Oh, come on. Louise Webber doesn't even know her kid's being sold off.
MS. MORISOT: Louise Webber sat at this table six weeks ago and signed these application papers in my presence. You will notice that they are witnessed, notarized, and the appropriate copies have been filed with Illinois State Adoptions Board.
FRASER: [looking at the papers] The mother knew?
MS. MORISOT: Of course she knew. I'm a respected attorney, Constable, not some backstreet baby-snatcher. I make my living from people who trust me and make referrals. That should be obvious.
VINNY: I'm outta here. You deal with this.
MS. MORISOT: We signed an agreement, Vinny.
VINNY: I'll be there.
FRASER: Oh, uh, Vincent.
VINNY: What?
FRASER: Goat's milk.
VINNY: What?
FRASER: He drinks goat's milk. You're almost out.
Ding against Fraser for the pronoun its. How does the lawyer know Fraser is a constable? I don't believe he introduced himself. Can she read his rank off his uniform? I'm also a little bit with Vinny on the look on his face when Fraser says he's almost out of goat's milk; I don't think Fraser can reasonably assume Vinny doesn't know that, which pushes him from helpful meddling to smug interference. I know he's disappointed to learn that Louise didn't tell them the whole truth, but Vinny didn't make her lie.
I do like the receptionist who is taking no crap from anyone, no matter how many badges they wave in her face. Administrative support staff run offices, and nobody had better forget it.
Scene 14
Louise is waiting for Vinny outside the lawyer's office building.
LOUISE: Vinny.
VINNY: You didn't tell them, did you?
LOUISE: I thought that maybe they wouldn't help us.
VINNY: Nobody is going to help us. We're in too deep. That's why we gotta do this.
LOUISE: But Jamie! He needs us, too.
VINNY: It'll be better for him. You should see these people, Louise. They got money. Heaps of it. He's some big corporate guy. He's got his own plane. What are you and I gonna offer this kid except a whole lot of nothing?
LOUISE: You never tried, Vinny! Not once! You're too busy thinking about yourself.
VINNY: Yeah. It's always me. Everything's my fault. You signed those papers, Louise. Nobody put a gun to your head.
LOUISE: We both did something really stupid, but that doesn't mean that we can't change our minds. Look, the lawyer said —
VINNY: Both of us gotta back out, not just you. I can't afford that. I back out, I'm dead.
LOUISE: Vinny, please. Think about what you're doing.
VINNY: I got no choice, okay? [He gets in the car.]
LOUISE: Fine. You give him to me. [She tries to open the door; it is locked. She goes around to the other side of the car. That door is locked, too.] Give me my baby. Vinny. Vinny, don't. Please. [The baby is crying. Louise is sobbing in disbelief and despair.] Vinny. Vinny, don't. [Fraser and Vecchio come out of the building. Vinny drives away.] No, no!
VECCHIO: It's over.
FRASER: Not quite. [Diefenbaker is in the back window of Vinny's car.] He never listens.
VECCHIO: I'll get the car.
I'm not a lawyer, but I think they can't back out. It looks to me like there's a specific clause where they'll have signed a form stating,
That I understand such child will be placed for adoption and that I cannot under any circumstances, after signing this document, change my mind and revoke or cancel this consent or obtain or recover custody or any other rights over such child. That I have read and understand the above and I am signing it as my free and voluntary act. (750 ILCS 50/10A)
It's rough on the bio parents, but I think in Illinois once that form is signed the deed is done, unless their consent was obtained by fraud or duress.
On the other hand, I'm also looking at a statute that says adoption compensation is prohibited outside of basic living expenses during the pregnancy and for four months after the expected due date or two months after the actual birth of the child, none of which is relevant here because Louise and Vinny don't seem to have decided to place Jamie for adoption until he was more than two months old. (720 ILCS 5/12C–70)
Scene 15
Evening is falling. Vecchio and Fraser are driving around looking for Vinny and the baby. Music cue: "Fear" by Sarah McLachlan.
Morning smiles
Like the face of a newborn child
Vinny arrives at a motel.
Innocent, unknowing
Winter's end
Promises of a long lost friend
While Vinny is coming around the car to get the baby, Diefenbaker hops out of the car unseen.
Speaks to me of comfort
But I fear I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
Diefenbaker hops up by a window and watches the manager tell Vinny what room he's renting him.
MOTEL MANAGER: The maid's making it up right now. [gives him the key] Room six.
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall
They say temptation will destroy our love
Diefenbaker trots along the outdoor corridor and goes into room 6 when the maid comes out to put yesterday's linens on her cart.
The never ending hunger
But I fear I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall
Vinny comes along and lets himself and the baby into room 6. He gives a bit of a yell when he sees Diefenbaker in there.
Fraser is lurking, watching the motel.
But I fear I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
Vecchio pulls up.
VECCHIO: Do you know how hard it is to find goat's milk at a Seven-Eleven? If it wasn't for the Armenian at the cash register —
FRASER: Thanks, Ray.
VECCHIO: You're breaking your heart over someone else's kid. It's not a smart move.
FRASER: No, you're probably right.
VECCHIO: You know what you're going to say? [Fraser shrugs.] You'll think of something.
Fraser is almost as upset here as he was when he wasn't being allowed to help Buck Frobisher. He always wants to do (what he believes to be) the right thing, and sometimes when he's thwarted he's frustrated by it, but other times it really eats him up, huh.
Scene 16
Vinny is in his motel room trying to get Diefenbaker to leave.
VINNY: Come on, get out of here. [opens the door] Get out of here. [Diefenbaker does not move.] All right, I'm calling the pound. [Diefenbaker sits up and growls.] What the hell is wrong with you?
FRASER: I'd steer the conversation away from dog pounds if I were you. Not surprisingly, he lacks perspective on the subject. May I?
VINNY: What are you doing here?
FRASER: I got some things for your son. You might want to warm this up.
VINNY: I got milk. Now you want to get your wolf away from my kid?
FRASER: Oh, well, that's, that's going to be difficult.
VINNY: Why? Is he nuts or something?
FRASER: No, no, no, it's just that he rarely does anything I ask him. We've tried to work through it. God knows I have done my part. But it's something we can't seem to get past.
VINNY: This — this is nuts, man.
FRASER: I know. I know. I know. It's a conundrum. But he does seem intent on staying, so if I were to hazard a guess, I would say that, ah, he must have a reason.
VINNY: The wolf.
FRASER: Apparently.
VINNY: Hmm.
FRASER: Did you do anything to make him think you needed him?
VINNY: Oh, come on, man, what do I need with a wolf?
FRASER: Now that, that's an interesting question. According to the textbooks, the wolf is a hunter, an animal of prey. The Inuit — the Inuit take a very different view of it.
VINNY: The Inuit?
FRASER: People of the North. They have their own idea of why the wolf was created. You interested? [Vinny glares at him.] In the beginning, so goes the legend, there was a man and a woman. And nothing else on Earth walked or swam or flew. And so the woman dug a big hole in the ground, and she started fishing in it. And she pulled out all of the animals. The last animal she pulled out was the caribou.
VINNY: Thought this was about wolves, man.
FRASER: Oh, they'll be along in a minute.
VINNY: Ah.
FRASER: And so the woman set the caribou free and ordered it to multiply, and soon the land was full of them. And the people lived well. They were happy. But the hunters — the hunters only killed those caribou that were big and strong, and soon all that were left were the weak and the sick. And the people began to starve. So the woman had to make magic again, and this time she called Amorak, Spirit of the Wolf, to winnow out the weak and the sick so that the herd would once again be strong. And the people realized that the caribou and the wolf were one. For although the caribou feeds the wolf, it is the wolf that keeps the caribou strong.
VINNY: So, what are you saying? The wolf's gonna eat me?
FRASER: Perhaps.
Vinny looks at Diefenbaker and at his sleeping baby, and when he turns back to look at Fraser again, Fraser is gone.
I looked up this wolf-and-caribou story, and I found a couple of places where precisely this story is related—without crediting or even mentioning this episode, but using word-for-word this text, right down to giving the name of the Spirit of the Wolf as "Amorak," which is how Fraser pronounces it. But a little further digging suggests that the wolf spirit is named Amarok or Amaroq (ᐊᒪᕈᒃ), and Fraser has mixed up the vowels. It appears the legend is a real Inuit legend, though.
Scene 17
Fraser gets back in the car with Vecchio.
VECCHIO: Inuit story?
FRASER: Yep.
VECCHIO: Let's hope it works.
I want Benton Fraser and Rose Nylund in a head-to-head Tales That Make You Go "Huh?" contest.
Scene 18
Vinny is sleeping. Diefenbaker hops up on the bed and barks and grumbles at him.
VINNY: Get off me. Come on, get off me. [Diefenbaker does not get off him.] Get off me. Get off me. [He looks at where the baby is sleeping on the other bed.] Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay. Uh. Okay. All right. It's okay. It's okay. Come on. Daddy's here. [The baby coughs and cries.] Yeah. Okay, yeah. That's my boy. [He cuddles the baby and shushes him.]
He was right not to be sleeping in the same bed as the baby, but he should have taken away all the blankets and pillows. Diefenbaker was waking him up because the baby was in danger, apparently stuck under a pillow and having trouble breathing, although he recovered as soon as Vinny picked him up. (What I don't need in my television is a waxy, motionless, blue smothered baby. Thanks.) So this kid is too little to roll over reliably, which by me puts the age at closer to four months than six months, despite the glass jars of purees. (Which means Vinny and Louise were signing papers to surrender him for adoption when the baby was maybe as young as 10 weeks.)
Scene 19
Fraser and Vecchio have slept in Vecchio's car across from Vinny's motel room. Vinny is packing up the baby's stuff and talking to the baby about his new home.
VINNY: It'll be okay. And you're gonna like it. When I was a kid I always wanted to live in a big house with a backyard, and you know what? I bet you're even gonna have a treehouse. [The baby is looking at him solemnly.] Things can't always be the way you want them to. And sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. You better learn that. You know, you can kid yourself sometimes, but when you do, it catches up to you. So don't say your old man never taught you anything.
It can be fun looking at early work from people who went on to be big stars. Speaking of Golden Girls, for example, observe George Clooney as a young cop in 1987. So I see the kernels of very good work in this performance, but I don't know how much of that is confirmation bias, because I already know that he's very good. (In fairness, I knew he was very good when I saw him in You Can Count On Me with Laura Linney, also ages before he was ever a Marvel superhero.)
Scene 20
A big black car drives up to the motel. Fraser wakes up and wakes Vecchio so they can keep an eye on it. Vinny is getting ready to go. He is visibly unhappy with his decision. He opens the hotel room door, and Claude and the two guys who beat him up are there.
CLAUDE: Need a lift, Vinny?
One of the other guys grabs Vinny out of the room and drags him along with them.
VINNY: Easy, man. Watch the kid.
Diefenbaker is in the window watching them go. Fraser and Vecchio are in the car watching the three guys bring Vinny and the baby to their car.
VECCHIO: They're gonna kill him.
FRASER: No, no. They'll get their money first.
The bad guys drive Vinny away. Vecchio and Fraser follow. Diefenbaker runs out of room 6 when the maid comes to clean it up.
So again, the maid was there late last evening and she's there first thing this morning as well. Same maid. What's going on with housekeeping schedules in these hotels?
Scene 21
An expensively dressed couple are waiting on the tarmac next to a private airplane. Music cue: "Worlds Away" by the Northern Pikes.
You and I are worlds away
There's nothing we can do or say
To change the way that all things are
Except to wonder from afar
And contemplate the things we see
We're worlds away now, you and me
The black car drives up. Claude and the two guys get out. So do Vinny and the baby. Ms. Morisot is with the couple. They are excited about the baby. Claude gives a wave.
We're worlds away now, worlds away Worlds away now, worlds away
Louise arrives in a taxi. She approaches Vinny and Claude.
You and I are faces met
In places we will soon forget
Of afternoons in hollow halls
Writing on the white-washed walls
LOUISE: I just want to say goodbye.
Vinny nods. Claude turns away.
There isn't time to be afraid or
Think about mistakes we've made
We're worlds away now, worlds away
Worlds away now, worlds away
Louise kisses the baby goodbye. She looks at the expensive couple. They are so happy. She turns away from Vinny and walks back toward her cab. Vinny is miserable.
CLAUDE: Cheer up. You'll be a free man soon.
They start the long walk toward the couple at the airplane.
We can talk about Montana
We can talk about the moon
We can talk about each other
We can fly away to Neptune
We'll never have to leave
We'll never have to leave
We'll never have to leave
Louise gets in the cab. It drives away. Vinny and Claude are walking. Fraser and Vecchio are on the other side of the tarmac, watching this happen.
VECCHIO: So we're just gonna sit this one out?
FRASER: Well, you can't solve people's problems for them, Ray.
VECCHIO: [unhappy] Well, at least he'll have a new home and new parents. He's probably better off.
The key is waiting for the lock
The tongue is waiting for the talk
The secret is the thing we'll be
We're worlds away now, you and me
We're worlds away now, worlds away
Worlds away now, worlds away
We're worlds away now, worlds away
Worlds away now, worlds away
Vinny and Claude have reached the expensive couple and the lawyer. Louise's cab has reached a gate that needs unlocking before they can get out. Another guy gets off the plane and brings the expensive man a briefcase. The expensive man opens the briefcase and shows Vinny bundles of cash. Claude looks at the cash and looks at Vinny expectantly. The lawyer is impassive. The expensive man is standing there holding the briefcase. Vinny looks at the cash and looks at the baby. The baby looks up at him.
(Instrumental bridge.)
Cash. Claude. Expensive man. Baby. Vinny nods. The expensive man closes the briefcase and holds it out to Vinny. He takes it. The expensive woman is so glad to be getting the baby.
Vinny smashes the briefcase into Claude's face, knocking him down, and runs with the baby. The expensive couple, the lawyer, and the briefcase-toter are shocked and upset.
VECCHIO: Oh, great, so now he changes his mind with guns and criminals?
Vinny is running. The two beating-up guys have run to help Claude.
CLAUDE: Shoot him, please.
GUY WITH PONYTAIL: In the back?
CLAUDE: Unless you can think of a better angle, yes.
The bearded guy with the ponytail and the bald guy with the beard aim at Vinny. Louise jumps out of the taxi. Vinny is running.
LOUISE: Vinny!
Fraser drives a luggage carrier between the beating-up guys and Vinny.
GUY WITH PONYTAIL: Damn!
CLAUDE: Get him!
Fraser and Vecchio hop off the carrier and hide behind it.
VECCHIO: Okay, we saved his life for fifteen seconds. Now what?
FRASER: You take the big one, I'll take the bigger one.
VECCHIO: Fraser, there's three of them. Can't I just shoot them?
FRASER: Not unless you want to blow up thirty-two tons of jet fuel.
Vecchio does not want this. They take positions behind the luggage, lie in wait, and hit the two guys with suitcases when they come around them. Claude goes to his car. Vecchio knocks down Bald. Fraser kicks Ponytail in the stomach and socks him in the jaw. Claude is driving. Fraser and Vecchio are fighting with Ponytail and Bald respectively. Claude passes Vinny with the car and stops at the same gate next to Louise and her taxi. Vecchio and Fraser are fighting with Bald and Ponytail. The good guys win. Vecchio goes to handcuff the bad guys. Vinny arrives at Louise and Claude; Claude is aiming a gun at him.
FRASER: No!
CLAUDE: Ah, give me the kid, Vinny.
VINNY: I'm not doing it, man.
CLAUDE: Of course you are. Even the lowest creature is blessed with a survival instinct. Come on, Vinny. Give me the kid.
Diefenbaker is climbing up a tower of stairs. The baby is crying.
VINNY: No way, man. You want to take me out, go ahead, but you're not getting my kid.
CLAUDE: Well, it's your choice. [Diefenbaker barks. He turns around. Diefenbaker jumps on him and knocks him down. The gun goes off. Fraser runs up.] Are you going to call him off?
FRASER: Diefenbaker. Off. [Diefenbaker does not move. Vecchio runs up. Fraser picks up Claude's gun and hands it to Vecchio.] He never listens.
VECCHIO: It's true.
Louise pats the baby's head. He has gone to sleep again.
VINNY: Let's go home.
Louise takes the baby carrier from Vinny, hands it to Fraser, turns around, and whales on Vinny.
LOUISE: You take our kid! You scare the hell out of me! You've got a lot to make up for, man. [She takes the baby carrier back from Fraser.] Thank you.
FRASER: You're welcome.
Vinny opens the cab door. Louise gets in with the baby and locks the door.
VINNY: She's a little upset. [He gets in the front passenger seat.] Louise. Can we talk about this?
They drive away. Fraser and Vecchio start walking back across the tarmac.
VECCHIO: I think she was nearsighted.
FRASER: Who?
VECCHIO: The chick with the bike.
FRASER: Oh, you mean at the coffee shop.
VECCHIO: Yeah.
FRASER: Ah. Well, she was probably too young for you, Ray.
VECCHIO: Well, no, no, it's not her, it's just that she didn't notice my je ne sais quoi.
FRASER: From the French meaning "I don't know what"?
VECCHIO: Yeah.
FRASER: Have you ever considered that maybe you've just replaced it with something else?
VECCHIO: Really? What?
They pause. Fraser looks critically at Vecchio's hair.
FRASER: Yeah. That's it.
VECCHIO: What?
FRASER: I'd rather not say.
VECCHIO: [laughing] Come on, Fraser.
FRASER: No, Ray, it's your hair, you know, it wouldn't be right.
VECCHIO: No, no, we're partners, man. You've got to be brutally honest with me.
FRASER: All right. In one phrase?
VECCHIO: Yeah.
FRASER: Je ne sais quoi.
Ray laughs. They keep walking across the tarmac.
So the kid-and-money exchange and subsequent cancellation of same is very upsetting on a number of levels. It won't press everyone's buttons, of course, but I can personally feel Louise's heartache when she kisses the baby and looks at the couple who intend to adopt him. It's a kind of dull pain that comes with the acceptance stage of grief. I recognize it perfectly, although I've never given up a child of my own. (I've had to accept other kinds of grief.) A-plus performance in those few seconds. Meanwhile, what happens to the prospective adoptive parents? They are horrified when Vinny backs out and runs away, and then that's the last we see of them. I think we're supposed to think this adoption may be technically legal (although see above) but not a hundred percent actually okay, because otherwise what is Claude doing there? Vinny owes him $10k, but he also seems to have a relationship with the lawyer? Or the expensive couple? Otherwise why would he wave at them? But he was surprised that this was Vinny's solution, back in scene 1? I'm puzzled, in short. But maybe we're not supposed to have a huge amount of sympathy for this couple who are doing this adoption with a briefcase full of cash on an airport tarmac rather than through normal processes, even though they do have a respected lawyer who can make sure all the i's get dotted? We are nevertheless shown a couple who are probably too old to have bio children but who apparently badly want to be parents. At least that's the way she plays it. But then after Vinny runs, they disappear. As do the guys Fraser and Vecchio beat up with luggage; as our heroes are walking back across the tarmac, the luggage train is still there but the guys are nowhere to be seen. And Claude is disarmed, but we don't see him and Diefenbaker again either. The final disposition of the lawyer, the expensive couple, the briefcase-toting employee, the three bad guys, and the dog is left to our imagination. An odd ending.
The title seems to be a reference to the 1987 film Three Men and a Baby, in which the titular three men, oh-so-cool bachelor housemates, find a baby on their doorstep who turns out to be the daughter of one of them, left there by her mother for reasons that are never really made clear, and there's also a mix-up with some drug smugglers and eventually the three men and the baby and her mother live happily and drug-free ever after.
Cumulative confirmed body count: 7
Red uniform: Out to lunch and some of the rest of that day, but changes back to the brown uniform for the main investigative work