fox | return to Due South: season 1 episode 14 "The Man Who Knew Too Little"

The Man Who Knew Too Little
air date February 9, 1995

Scene 1

Elaine and Fraser are coming down the stairs at the 27th precinct.

ELAINE: You get the extradition papers?
FRASER: They should all be in order. [He hands her an envelope.]
ELAINE: Your bosses must be in a real hurry to get him back to Canada. What'd he do?
FRASER: He's wanted for perjury. Apparently, he was a key witness in a murder trial, and he changed his testimony on the stand. It resulted in a mistrial. Is he here?
ELAINE: Huey and Louie are bringing him over from lockup. I hear he's quite the character. He got pulled over for running a red light and tried to convince them he was taking a shortcut in the Cross-Canada Rally. If he'd kept his mouth shut, they might have never called INS.
VECCHIO: Hey, Elaine, can you find out what the weather's like in Florida?
ELAINE: Do I look like a travel agent?
VECCHIO: Hey, Benny, you ever been to the Sunshine State?
FRASER: Well, I can't say that I have, Ray.
VECCHIO: [to some guys blocking his way] Yo! You guys want to move, or you want to find out what fine Italian footwear tastes like? [A cop moves the guys along.]
FRASER: Thank you kindly.
VECCHIO: I just hear that it's the rainy season, and I don't want to get all the way down there and get stuck in some kind of monsoon or something.
FRASER: Ray, I thought you'd used up all your vacation time.
VECCHIO: No, no, no, this is not a vacation. This is a plum just waiting to be picked. You see, the district sends one detective from each division to go down to Miami to listen to some lecture on advanced weaponry, and I plan to be said detective.
FRASER: So it's assigned on the basis of merit?
VECCHIO: No, it's assigned on the basis of who can suck up to the lieutenant the most without making it obvious. [knocks on Welsh's door] Cappuccino, sir?

I can find no evidence of an event called the Cross-Canada Rally. There was a Trans-Canada Rally in the 1960s; the last one was in 1971, apparently not being held since then because the existence of the Trans-Canada Highway meant it wasn't fun anymore. (That article is a fun read. My favorite quote is "Well, of course everybody cheated. It was sport." It also says the race mostly ran between Montreal and Vancouver or vice versa, which isn't precisely trans-Canada, now, is it:

I'll agree that Vancouver is on the west coast of Canada, but there's quite a lot of Canada to the east of Montreal, is there not.)

Scene 2

Huey and Gardino are in the hallway. Gardino is wearing white jeans and a hibiscus-print shirt and has wraparound sunglasses on his forehead. He is cuffed to the suspect Fraser is extraditing.

GARDINO: What do you think of this shirt?
HUEY: What, that? I think you'll look pretty silly in it sitting behind your desk while I'm in Florida.
GARDINO: Sorry, pal. [He waves an envelope.] This little baby here is my ticket to fun in the sun.
SUSPECT: It's strange you guys mentioned Florida, because my family has a home in the Keys. If you want to use it, let me know.
HUEY: Shut up. [to Gardino] What have you got?
GARDINO: What have you got?
HUEY: Orchestra seats to La Bohème.
GARDINO: Eh, I'll send you a postcard.
HUEY: We'll see about that.

Welsh and Dr. Pearson must have been on their way to Ivanhoe in "Chicago Holiday," then, eh?

Scene 3

Welsh is taking the cappuccino out of the bag Vecchio brought it in.

WELSH: So you really thought you could get this job by sucking up to me, Detective?
VECCHIO: Oh, no, sir. A man of your considerable intelligence would see right through that, sir.
WELSH: Decaf?
VECCHIO: Uh, no, sir.
WELSH: Ah. Thanks anyway. [hands him the coffee cup back]
VECCHIO: No problem, sir. I just happened to be passing the espresso bar on the way to work, sir. [He goes out into the bullpen, bins the cappuccino, and finds Fraser.] Where can I find an espresso bar in a ten-block radius?
FRASER: Well, there's a small one that's —
VECCHIO: All right, great. [They head out.]
HUEY: You got him real Cuban cigars? No way. How'd you get your hands on them?
GARDINO: Let's just say one of the girls in the evidence room thinks I have sensitive eyes.
HUEY: Really. [They cuff Fraser's suspect between two other guys and go into Welsh's office.]
GARDINO: Got a moment, sir?
SUSPECT: [reads over the shoulder of the guy on his left; laughs; turns to guy on his right] Oh, come on, man, he didn't mean it literally.
RIGHT: [to Left] What you looking at?
LEFT: [to Right] What's your problem?

So Fraser's guy is trying to start something, is he? Between two guys he is cuffed to? Smart.

Scene 4

Huey and Gardino are in Welsh's office.

HUEY: It's just that I had these two tickets to the opera and I thought I might be out of town tomorrow night.
WELSH: Oh, that's very generous of you.
GARDINO: Do you smoke cigars, sir? Now, you're going to think this is a very strange coincidence, but —
WELSH: Cubans, Gardino.
GARDINO: Heh heh heh heh.
WELSH: You boys wouldn't be in any way trying to influence on my decision on which officer makes that Miami —
GARDINO: No, sir!
HUEY: Absolutely not, sir.
WELSH: Fine. Because, uh, I make it a rule to disqualify any officer who gives me an expensive present of any sort in the last month. I mean, just to avoid any appearances of impropriety, you understand.
GARDINO: I have reason to suspect that these are, uh, domestic, sir.
WELSH: Really?
GARDINO: Yeah, where it says Havana? If you closely, the ink is smudged.
HUEY: Actually, the tickets are for the twentieth row, sir. Matinée. On the other hand, the cigars look real to me.

Welsh's window shatters as a chair comes through it. Huey and Gardino rush out of Welsh's office to pandemonium in the bullpen. Fraser's suspect is carrying three stacked chairs through the crowd.

SUSPECT: Pardon me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Watch your back, watch your back. Thank you. Working man, coming through. I got a deadline.
WELSH: Detective Huey and Gardino. Were you escorting a prisoner here for extradition?
GARDINO: [struggling with someone who has been fighting] Ah, yes, sir, he's, uh . . . I hate to say this, sir, but I believe my partner didn't handcuff him properly.
HUEY: Hey, it's your cuffs, you ferret-faced little —
VECCHIO: Hey, hey! [He comes in behind Fraser, who is leading his chair-stack-toting suspect by the arm.] You guys misplace something?
WELSH: Detective Vecchio, have you caused a riot yet this morning?
VECCHIO: Not that I'm aware of, sir.
WELSH: Good. Gardino, give him your shirt. [goes back into his office]
VECCHIO: Woohoo! I'm going to Miami!

Nice reactions by Huey and Gardino when the window breaks.

Credits roll.

Paul Gross
David Marciano
Beau Starr
Daniel Kash
Tony Craig
Catherine Bruhier

(plus Lincoln the dog)

Rino Romano, Dean McDermott, Joseph Griffin, William Dunlop

Scene 5

Fraser and Vecchio are at Vecchio's desk. Vecchio is planning his trip. Fraser is on the phone, on hold. Fraser's suspect is drumming on the back of his chair.

VECCHIO: I have two days to drive down there, one day at the lecture, and two days to drive back. That's five days, out of which three I get to spend on the beach! [The suspect picks up a document and starts reading it. Fraser takes it away from him and puts it back face down.]
FRASER: Ray, Miami's one thousand, three hundred and eighty-seven miles from here. That's twenty-six hours' driving time each way.
VECCHIO: Okay, so at a hundred and twenty miles an hour, that's . . . thirteen hours. I save a day.
FRASER: Uh, yes, I need to fly to Detroit today, and I will be transporting a prisoner.
VECCHIO: Fraser, you do not need to tell everybody everything.
FRASER: Five days' notice. Uh, no, I wasn't aware of that. All right. Well, thank you for your time. [He hangs up. The suspect raises his hand. Fraser ignores him.] Ray, do you think you can drop us at the train station on your way?

The suspect is playing with Vecchio's model Statue of Liberty. Vecchio slaps his hand.

Google Maps says from Chicago to Miami is 1,381 miles without tolls and 1,349 with and suggests both of those drives are about 21 hours. Fraser's estimate has Vecchio doing an average of 53.35 mph the whole way. But here's the important question: Why isn't he flying? I realize the event is apparently imminent, which is a whole other question—what manager assigns an employee to a work trip with so little lead time? Welsh should have decided who was going on this thing three weeks ago, in time for someone in purchasing to make the arrangements. (Or I suppose someone in purchasing could have made the arrangements and then they could have transferred the ticket to whomever Welsh picked, if his original pick had to be changed. I think in the mid-90s you could still do that without incurring a fee worth the price of a whole other ticket.)

What about Fraser needing five days' notice? He couldn't have known five days ago that his guy was going to get picked up for running a red light and need extraditing right away (an expedited extradition; say that five times fast). Before 1995, didn't commercial airlines transport nonviolent prisoners all the time? Don't they still? The five days' notice thing puzzles me.

Scene 6

Fraser, Vecchio, and the suspect are in the train station.

SUSPECT: You know, you are wasting Canadian taxpayer dollars. Okay? Cause you're going to get me there, they're gonna take one look at me, they're gonna say, "You got the wrong guy," and then they're gonna let me go.
VECCHIO: Don't talk to him, he's calculating. [to Fraser] Okay, so at ninety-five miles an hour, how long is that going to take?
FRASER: I can't tell you that, Ray. It would recklessly endanger the lives of thousands of motorists.
VECCHIO: Okay, so say ninety.
FRASER: [at the ticket counter] Good morning. Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP. I called earlier to inquire about transporting a prisoner to Windsor, but your lines were busy.
TICKET CLERK: You want to transport a prisoner?
SUSPECT: Wanted for train robbery, murder one, and escape from maximum security prison. I'll be no trouble at all.

They are leaving the train station.

FRASER: Well, I can't very well gag him, Ray.
VECCHIO: Fraser, this man is not your problem. He's an accused felon and a compulsive liar.
SUSPECT: I am an innocent victim of circumstance.
VECCHIO: Shut up! [to Fraser] Know what your problem is, Fraser? You can't go around compulsively telling people the truth. They just don't want to hear it.
SUSPECT: Now, you see, there I'd have to disagree with you.
VECCHIO: Shut up!
SUSPECT: Hey, Bank of Illinois. My dad owns that, you know. Well, part owner. He orchestrated the whole deal, to tell you the truth. I mean, the Rockefellers used to own it, then they bought it, but I'm telling you something, that has been one hell of an investment, 'cause in the mid-sixties there was a little bit of trouble there. But I tell you right now with the EC and everything going on, he's really doing well.
VECCHIO: Shut up!

They are in front of a car rental.

FRASER: Well, I explained the situation to him, and he was extremely helpful.
VECCHIO: Did he rent you a car?
FRASER: No, but he doesn't have any.
VECCHIO: What do you mean he doesn't have any? There's gotta be a hundred cars on this lot.
FRASER: Unfortunately they're all reserved. I didn't realize Spiro Agnew's birthday was that widely celebrated. Also I thought it was in November.
SUSPECT: You know, my mother had an affair with Spiro Agnew. It was all hushed up, of course, which is why they wouldn't let me in the Secret Service.

Whoa up, now, all the cars on the lot are reserved and that means the car rental place won't rent them to someone else? HUH. No okay of course that's what "reserved" ought to mean, but the reason that 1991 Seinfeld clip landed with so many people was that it was so true to life. Anyway: It could make sense that they won't rent Fraser a car if he's told them he's going to drive it to Canada, and the prisoner-transport aspect wouldn't enter into it. (I don't see why Fraser shouldn't be able to transport a prisoner by train, either.) It looks like most rental places allow U.S./Canada border crossings now, but I have definitely rented in the past (in northern states like New York) where they expected me to stay in the United States.

"Everything going on" with the EC (European Community) in 1995 was that the EC had ceased to exist, having been replaced by the EU in 1993. Lest one think there is a single grain of anything reasonable in anything this suspect has said so far. (The Rockefellers were among the first really offensively wealthy American families, the moral ancestors to your Gateses and Bezoses and Musks (I am aware that the latter is not American; the point is about offensive wealth). They were also great philanthropists, but of course it's problematic when any individual has that much to give.) Anyway, Spiro T. Agnew, 39th vice president of the United States and (lying, cheating, racist, antisemitic) all-around rat bastard, was indeed born in November. This suspect who's running his mouth at Fraser and Vecchio is a young guy, probably in his mid-20s, so he'd have been born in the early 1970s, when Agnew was VP. There is no suggestion in the general record that Agnew's assholery extended to fathering illegitimate children; and in any case, I don't think such a child would be ineligible to join the Secret Service on those grounds alone (see p. 21). This particular dude might even pass the polygraph, although he should not.

Scene 7

Fraser and the suspect are in Vecchio's car. The suspect is playing with the windows. It is raining. Vecchio comes to the driver's side to speak to Fraser.

VECCHIO: This is a nineteen-seventy-one mint condition Buick Riviera.
FRASER: You know, Ray, you really don't have to do this. I'm sure I can find someone who'll lend me a car.
VECCHIO: How many people have we asked?
FRASER: Well, uh, basically everyone I know. It does seem rather curious that they've all decided to leave town at exactly the same time.
VECCHIO: It uses top-octane fuel, twenty-weight oil.
FRASER: Ray, this is silly. How are you going to get to Florida?
VECCHIO: I'll fly. It'll be worth the six hundred bucks to get rid of you.
SUSPECT: Are — are you aware that the gas tank on this particular make of car explodes on impact?
VECCHIO: You want to ride in the trunk?
FRASER: Ray, you know, I appreciate this offer, I really do, but you have some kind of special bond with this vehicle. Now, I'm not saying I understand it, but I do respect it.
VECCHIO: Shut up before I change my mind. Now, in the care and operation of this vehicle, there is one thing to remember and hold above all else. Never, I repeat, never use the lighter. Of all the original parts in this car, it was the most difficult to replace. It took me seven years to find that lighter. And since I've owned it, it's never been depressed.
FRASER: Then how do you know it works?
VECCHIO: I know in my soul. Do not adjust the passenger seat, open up the glove box, or use anything other than the preset radio buttons.
FRASER: I'll take good care of your car, Ray.
SUSPECT: Don't worry about a thing. Really.
VECCHIO: One final piece of advice. The man sitting across from you is a felon.
SUSPECT: Accused! Accused!
VECCHIO: Do not trust him, do not talk to him, do not listen to him, and most of all, do not think of him as a human being. Think of him as a parcel that needs to be delivered, and you will be okay. Do you understand?
FRASER: I'll do that, Ray.
VECCHIO: And have a nice trip.
FRASER: Thank you, Ray.
SUSPECT: Thanks. Bye-bye.
FRASER: Oh, uh, uh, Ray? Ah, what's the best way to get to the I-ninety from here?
SUSPECT: Oh, don't worry, I know. I'll show you.
FRASER: Thanks, Ray. Bye-bye.

They drive off. Vecchio watches them go, looking like he just strapped his only child to a moon-bound rocket. He goes up his front steps, takes down his umbrella, takes a deep breath, puts his umbrella back up, comes back down the steps, and watches Fraser pull up to the house again: He has simply driven around the block.

FRASER: Hi, Ray.

Vecchio goes around to the driver's side again.

Is a car still mint condition if it's had at least two of its windows shot out and replaced? In any event: I've said before that I shudder to think about Fraser driving a car, and apparently Vecchio does as well. But the most important reaction to this scene is this:

DOES THE POLICE DEPARTMENT NOT HAVE A MOTOR POOL? The fact that Fraser has to make his own travel arrangements to extradite this prisoner from Illinois to Canada is even more ridiculous than the fact that Vecchio has to make his own travel arrangements to go on this work trip to Florida. If the Canadians want the guy, they should cough up some of the money and leg work involved in getting him back, and Fraser is the (acting) Deputy Liaison Officer with the consulate; it's not like he's a random Canadian who happens to have been in the right place at the right time. His boss should be the one making the arrangements and assigning Fraser to accompany this prisoner, and the arrangements his boss is making might involve borrowing an official police vehicle from the local police department. So we're almost 10 minutes into the episode and so far both setups make no actual sense.

Scene 8

Vecchio is putting his luggage in the trunk of the Riviera.

VECCHIO: How far is it from Windsor to Miami?
FRASER: Ray, this really isn't necessary.
VECCHIO: Just answer the question.
FRASER: One thousand, three hundred and fourteen miles.
VECCHIO: Okay, we drop the guy off, you take the bus back, and I'm only four hours behind schedule.
FRASER: Well, not quite. Ah, four hours and twenty minutes. We still have to pick up Diefenbaker.

Windsor to Miami is 2,228 km by the fastest route and 2,186 by the shortest (which takes longer but has no tolls). That's either 1,384 or 1,358 miles. Pretty close, Fraser. (Chicago to Windsor is about four and a half hours across southern Michigan, but I'll buy that Vecchio could do it in a little less.)

Scene 9

At a gas station. Caption: "Near the Canadian border." A man is carefully cleaning an Ontario license plate on a car with a bumper sticker reading "My Canada includes Quebec." Another man joins him from a phone booth.

PHONE BOOTH: They left Chicago in the cop's car. Green nineteen-seventy-one Buick Riviera. There's the plate number.
CLEAN LICENSE PLATE: [looking at a map] They'll be taking the interstate. We should get to them before they reach Battle Creek. [A third guy joins them and hands Clean License Plate some money.] Thought I told you to pay him.
THIRD GUY: I tried. He wouldn't take Canadian. [They drive off. The station attendant is lying dead in his booth.] What have we got left in the cooler?
PHONE BOOTH: The sandwiches are for later.
THIRD GUY: Well, can I have a pop?

So these guys are coming from Windsor and trying to intercept our heroes about halfway.

Who are they? Who is informing them about our heroes' movements? Whoever they are, there's a signpost for I-94 West as they pull out of the gas station, so well done location team.

Scene 10

Vecchio, Fraser, Diefenbaker, and the suspect are on the interstate.

SUSPECT: My hands are cuffed behind me, and I'm strapped to a seatbelt. What if we get into an accident?
VECCHIO: Shut up!
SUSPECT: I think we're lost. Are you sure know where we are?
VECCHIO: Yeah, halfway between freedom and incarceration. [to Fraser] You keep your eye on that map. I want a state-by-state countdown until we get to Winnipeg.
FRASER: Windsor.
VECCHIO: Yeah, like there's a difference. Damn! I should have brought the snow chains. Do we really gotta cross the border?
FRASER: Yes, Ray. Although, you know, I imagine they'll have a dogsled at the bridge in case we should get stuck. [He bites his lip but can't help laughing.]
VECCHIO: See? That's some kind of facetious Canadian humor. The kind of thing that must really knock 'em dead up around the bighouse in Newfoundland.
FRASER: [He has laughed himself to tears.] Sorry, Ray.

Diefenbaker is licking at the suspect.

SUSPECT: Would you — back off. Get off me! What are you — [to Fraser] — what is he? Deaf?
FRASER: Yes. You know, I think he feels sorry for you. He senses you're in some kind of trouble. He'd like to help. You see, wolves have a very difficult time understanding the idea of incarceration.
SUSPECT: [whispers to Diefenbaker] Undo my seat belt. Yeah. [Diefenbaker paws at the seat belt but does not undo it.]
FRASER: But they do understand the law, don't they, Diefenbaker? [Diefenbaker whimpers.] So, Ray, once you drop us off at Windsor, your trip to Miami should be fairly simple. You take highway eighteen west toward Leamington, then catch the ferry —
VECCHIO: Ferry! Is Florida on an island?
FRASER: No. This is the shortest way across Lake Erie. You know, you might want to call ahead for the schedule —
VECCHIO: What's a shedwull?
FRASER: Like a schedule.
SUSPECT: It's every hour on the half-hour.
VECCHIO: I'll phone.
FRASER: And then you get on the two-fifty, travel one hundred and nine kilometers —
VECCHIO: Kilometers? Look, Fraser, when we cross the border you can start talking in Canadian. Until then, let's stick to English, okay?
FRASER: You know, Ray, actually it's, it's quite simple. Converting kilometers to miles, you simply multiply by five-eighths, so a hundred and nine kilometers would obviously be sixty-eight and an eighth miles. Well, strictly speaking it would be sixty-seven-point-six-nine miles, but still, the five-eighths rule is a very handy general guide.
SUSPECT: You know, I know the guy who invented kilometers.
FRASER: And then from Milan, which parenthetically most people tend to mispronounce Milan, you would stay on the two-fifty through Norwalk —
VECCHIO: I go south, okay? That's all I need to know. I go south.
SUSPECT: I have to go to the bathroom.
VECCHIO: Well, you can go in Canada.
FRASER: Ray.
SUSPECT: No, I understand. You know, my father use to hate to stop. I remember once driving through Peru to a peace conference in Machu Picchu —
VECCHIO: You know what, McDonald? I don't think you ever had a father.
FRASER: Were you driving from Ayacucho or from Cuzco?
SUSPECT (MCDONALD): Actually, no. From Lima.
FRASER: Ah. How fast are you going, Ray?
VECCHIO: Not fast enough.

They pass a sign: 80 miles to Battle Creek.

Wow, please do not follow Fraser's directions anywhere. Leamington is east of Windsor; the Pelee Island Ferry does not run between December and April, and when it does it takes four hours to get from Leamington, Ontario, to Sandusky, Ohio, which I haven't marked in on the map but which is on the Lake Erie coast a little to the west of due north of Milan; and in general you'd be much better off just going back across the bridge to Detroit and taking interstates to Toledo and thence south all the way to Florida. (OR JUST FLYING TO FLORIDA BECAUSE WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE.)

Fraser pronounces schedule British-wise, with a /š/ rather than a /sk/. This seems to be even more of an affectation than his pronunciation of lieutenant, but maybe he's Just That Old-Fashioned. He's right, although nobody in the car cares, that Milan, Ohio (birthplace of Thomas Edison), is pronounced "MY-lan" by locals and "mih-LAHN" (like the Italian city) by damn near everyone else. He can also probably fuck off with his five-eighths rule and just give Vecchio the figures he needs in miles, if he's so bilingual about it. Given how much this guy prides himself on being courteous, I have some notes about Fraser's adherence to Dr. Grice's maxims.

The "guy who invented kilometers" was probably Jean-Charles de Borda (1733–1799), so no, this guy in the back of Vecchio's car doesn't know him. Also, you can't drive to Machu Picchu, although you can drive to Aguas Calientes, and there's a hotel near the ruins, but what are the odds there'd be a peace conference held there? Slim, I feel.

Vecchio is being ridiculous about Canada in general (snow chains, please) and about Windsor and Winnipeg in particular, and his state-by-state countdown isn't going to involve but Illinois, Indiana, and Michigan:

Scene 11

The three Canadian guys are still driving westbound on the interstate to intercept our heroes.

PHONE BOOTH: Could we go a little faster? Those kids in that bus were laughing at us. It's one of those little short buses.
CLEAN LICENSE PLATE: I think I'm already speeding. These stupid road signs. What's sixty times eight-fifths?
PHONE BOOTH AND THIRD GUY: Ninety-six.

They speed up and pass the bus. Kids are pointing and laughing. Third Guy shows them the gun he has tucked in his waistband.

It is vaguely hilarious that these guys have no qualms about killing the gas station attendant and whatever other thuggery they have planned but are invested in maintaining a safe speed.

Scene 12

Our heroes are still driving eastbound on the interstate.

FRASER: Ray, I think that was a state trooper traveling in the westbound lane.
VECCHIO: This is the U. S. of A., Fraser. Cops do not ticket other cops. Now, just keep your eye on the map. [He tailgates another driver, lays on the horn, and pulls around to pass on the right shoulder.]
FRASER: A sign.
VECCHIO: [veers back into the travel lane just in time; yells at other drivers] Learn how to drive! Some people, huh?
FRASER: Well, perhaps they weren't expecting someone to come up behind them at roughly ninety-three miles an hour, Ray.
VECCHIO: Hey, isn't that what defensive driving is all about? Assuming the other guy is going to do something stupid?
MCDONALD: Oh! That did it. My kidneys are gone. We have to find a washroom.
VECCHIO: We don't have washrooms in America. We have restrooms. The minute I see a sign that says "washroom," we'll pull over. [Fraser has taken something out of the glove compartment.] What are you doing?
FRASER: Well, I, I thought I'd read the —
VECCHIO: That's the original manual! Do not open that!
FRASER: You've never read this?
VECCHIO: No, I've never cracked its spine.
MCDONALD: I cracked my spine once.
VECCHIO: No one's listening to you, and no one cares.
MCDONALD: Punctured a kidney. Which is why I need to —
VECCHIO: Shut up! Which is why you need to shut up! We'll stop when we need gas.
MCDONALD: Oh, we'll stop before that.
VECCHIO: Wanna bet?

They hear sirens behind them.

I think it's generally true that cops don't ticket other cops, and also that a state trooper traveling in one direction probably can't get a good read on the speed of a car traveling in the opposite direction. But here we are. (The sign Vecchio swerved to avoid hitting said we are 47 miles from Battle Creek, heading east.)

Scene 13

A Michigan state trooper is handing Vecchio a speeding ticket.

EASTBOUND TROOPER: Drive safely, now.
VECCHIO: Yeah, you have a real nice day too. [to Fraser] I'm starting to understand why people hate cops.
FRASER: He's just doing his job, Ray.
MCDONALD: Is it too much to ask that a person be allowed to relieve himself?
VECCHIO: Look, you and I both know you're stalling for time. If you really had to go you could have gone back there. I've already lost twenty minutes of pool time. We're not stopping.
MCDONALD: Is this the original upholstery?

The Canadian baddies are pulled over 24 miles east of Battle Creek (according to the sign).

WESTBOUND TROOPER: It's really quite simple. To convert from miles to kilometers, you simply multiply by eight-fifths. So the fifty-five-mile-an-hour limit obviously converts to eighty-eight kilometers per hour.
CLEAN LICENSE PLATE: I appreciate the warning, officer.
WESTBOUND TROOPER: You folks have a nice trip.
PHONE BOOTH: Thank you, officer. [They pull away; the trooper goes back to his car.]
WESTBOUND TROOPER: Nice folks, Canadians. You hear such stories.

All three Canadians check their handguns as they're driving along.

The speed limit is 70 in Michigan, except in congested urban areas, which I don't think you'd be in 24 miles east of Battle Creek on the interstate, but I don't know the speed limit in that spot for sure. [eta: boxofdelights reminds me that the national speed limit was in effect until 1995, which I had thought was only a thing when I was a kid but gone by the time I learned to drive (in the early 90s).]

Scene 14

Our heroes are at a gas station. McDonald is speaking to Fraser and Vecchio through the restroom door.

MCDONALD: It's not happening. There's too much pressure.
VECCHIO: You got ten seconds before I start pumping bullets through this door.
MCDONALD: This really is not a conducive atmosphere for what I'm trying to accomplish here, okay?
FRASER: Perhaps if you tried running the water.
VECCHIO: Do you have helpful hints for everything?
MCDONALD: It's really not my fault. I've got a bit of a shy bladder — [He is climbing out the window, but Diefenbaker is there. Diefenbaker growls and then barks.] Nice dog. [He climbs back in through the window.]

They are back in the car.

MCDONALD: You guys getting hungry?
VECCHIO: Forget it.
MCDONALD: Aw, come on, I haven't eaten since the lockup. I know my rights. You have to feed me every six hours.
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, it's only been five.
MCDONALD: Six! We passed a time zone.
VECCHIO: That doesn't count. Fraser, you tell him.
FRASER: Well, actually Ray, the legal scholars seem to be fairly equally divided on this point. One argument, extended to its logical conclusion, would provide that if you were traveling west at a rate of speed high enough to cross one time zone every hour then you would never actually have to feed the prisoner. That is, of course, until you cross the International Date Line, at which point you would have to force the prisoner to immediately consume four meals. Now, the contrary position —

They pass a sign: Battle Creek next three exits.

The thing is they are not traveling west at a rate of speed high enough to cross one time zone every hour. (And also you don't have to require someone to eat when you make food available to them to eat; that's just silly.) I'm with Vecchio here; if I step from one time zone into another time zone, an hour has not passed. If it's been five hours, it doesn't matter that they started in Central time and now they're in Eastern.

I'm not a lawyer and I can't find any easily-googled information about meal break entitlements for prisoners being transported. I assume McDonald here is full of shit, but experts are welcome to clue us in.

Scene 15

Vecchio, Fraser, and McDonald go into a truck stop diner.

VECCHIO: All right, you got ten minutes to eat unless there's a time zone between here and the counter.
MCDONALD: I don't believe this. I've been looking for this place for fifteen years. My dad and I used to come here all the time. That's our booth. Right there, that was our booth.
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, from now on we'll call this our counter. Grab a stool.
MCDONALD: [to Fraser] This is it, officer. Right here. [heads over to "their booth"] I don't know how it happened, really. I mean, uh, one second it was just fine, the next thing you know his throat just closed up on him. I got lucky, because I just managed to puke it up all over the table. Look, look, look, look. There's still pieces on the chair. Right there. [The family sitting at the booth hurries to get up and leave.] Sir, take off your pants, you're sitting in evidence, there.
FRASER: Um, he's not telling the truth, no. [McDonald sits down at the booth.] We, we have no need for your pants. [to Vecchio] Perhaps I should follow them. Tell them there's no danger.
VECCHIO: We'll send them a postcard. Come on, let's sit down and eat. [to waitress as she goes by] Hello. Yello. Yo, miss! [Fraser starts busing the previous family's plates.]
MCDONALD: This place hasn't changed a bit. See, my dad was a sales rep, so three, four times a year, we had to go to South Bend.
VECCHIO: Oh, miss. Excuse me, miss? Ah, miss. Yo! Yo!
MCDONALD: We'd leave Kitchener at the crack of dawn, by the time lunchtime came around, I mean, I was starving. And, you know, he'd always want to stop someplace else, but I'd say no, I wanted to wait till we got here, because it's, like, our place.
FRASER: Curious. If you'd taken the interstate, I would have thought you'd be here in about five hours.
VECCHIO: Fraser, the man is lying. It's just another story. You want to do something useful? Throw a flying tackle into the waitress the next time she passes. Hey! Can we order here?
MCDONALD: They make the best pancakes in the world. They used to have this turntable right in the middle of the table with six different types of syrup. Air conditioning blasting — the syrup was always warm.
FRASER: That's odd. The windows face north.
WAITRESS: You boys ready to order?
VECCHIO: No, let's go straight to the check. What's the fastest thing on the menu?
MCDONALD: I'll have the blueberry pancakes.
WAITRESS: No pancakes.
MCDONALD: Of course you have pancakes.
WAITRESS: You see pancakes in the menu?
VECCHIO: Right. Hamburgers all around.
MCDONALD: Look, do you think you could ask them to make me some pancakes? I, I used to come here when I was a kid.
WAITRESS: Then you'll know we've never served pancakes. You want everything on them?
VECCHIO: Yeah.
MCDONALD: I hate pickles.
VECCHIO: Pick 'em off.

My sympathies in this scene are with the waitress, followed by Vecchio. I am neutral at best on Fraser and obviously annoyed by McDonald. Why am I neutral at best on Fraser: Well, for one thing, depending on the time of year, five hours from "the crack of dawn" would be lunchtime, wouldn't it? So on what basis is he contradicting this twerp on his Kitchener-to-Battle-Creek story? (It apparently is about a five-hour drive. Christ, I'm doing a lot of maps on this episode, innit.)

Scene 16

The Canadians are still driving westbound. They pass a sign for the Battle Creek business district. Clean License Plate is still driving; Phone Booth and Third Guy are looking through binoculars.

PHONE BOOTH: I'm telling you, it was Alaska.
THIRD GUY: It wasn't Alaska, it was Nebraska.
PHONE BOOTH: It was Alaska. It was yellow and shaped like a polar bear and said "Alaska."
THIRD GUY: Alaska is gold and blue.
PHONE BOOTH: No, no, it's —
THIRD GUY: The Northwest Territories is shaped like a polar bear —
PHONE BOOTH: No, it's not —
CLEAN LICENSE PLATE: If you two don't shut up, I'm pulling the car over right now and I'll shoot you both. [They pick up their binoculars again.]
THIRD GUY: I got 'em.
CLEAN LICENSE PLATE: This better be Illinois plates on a Buick Riviera.
THIRD GUY: Yeah. At the restaurant.
CLEAN LICENSE PLATE: That's good, Norman. Nice work.

The restaurant is called the Salty Dawg, which strikes me as an unusual name for a restaurant as far inland as Battle Creek, but what do I know. Third Guy (Norman) is right about the license plates, though:

Scene 17

At the table, Vecchio is putting ketchup on his burger.

VECCHIO: You better eat that burger, 'cause we're not stopping again.
MCDONALD: I had a hiding space down here. I used to flip out the baseboard and leave stuff there. You know, toy solders and marbles.
VECCHIO: Are you telling that story for my benefit? Because A, I don't believe it, and B, I don't care.
MCDONALD: They must have fixed it.
FRASER: I don't think this is the place you're looking for, Ian.
MCDONALD: Yeah. Who cares, you know.
FRASER: You remember when you said the syrup was always warm in the afternoon? That would indicate westerly facing windows, which would mean the highway had to run north and south. The most direct route to South Bend would have been highway twelve, a slower road, which would have put you past Hillsdale by approximately one o'clock. Now, if I recall from the map correctly, that highway dips south about sixty miles west of that community. So actually, Ian, I think you're off by about forty-five miles.
MCDONALD (IAN): [suddenly angry] Do you believe everything people tell you? Huh? How do you get through a day?
VECCHIO: Did I tell you he was yanking your chain?
FRASER: My mistake.

First of all, a roadside restaurant can have windows on all four walls if it wants, irrespective of which way the road runs. So Fraser's basic premise is mistaken from the off. Secondly, U.S. 12 is technically the most direct route from Detroit (where Fraser assumes you'd cross into the United States if you were starting from Kitchener and heading for Indiana, which is fair enough) to South Bend, but it runs east-west, so Fraser's specific premise is also mistaken. (It takes a jog about 20 miles west of Hillsdale, which you'll see I put in on the map in scene 15, and runs northeast-southwest for about 15 miles before flattening out again, but so what?)

Scene 18

The Canadians pull into the restaurant parking lot.

CLEAN LICENSE PLATE: We'll take care of him. You look after their car.

Third Guy (Norman) goes to watch the Riviera while Phone Booth and Clean License Plate head for the restaurant. Music cue: "Such Is My Situation" by The Sidemen. Diefenbaker, waiting in the car, barks at Norman. Inside, Fraser hears Diefenbaker barking and looks out the window and then up at the door. Our heroes see Phone Booth and Clean License plate come in. The bad guys pull guns; Ian leaps over the back of the booth.

All by myself alone
And I'm dreaming of you

As the bad guys start shooting, Fraser grabs another patron off a bar stool and shelters her on the ground. People are screaming.

All lonely by myself
You know I'm dreaming of you

FRASER: [to the patron he saved] You all right?
VECCHIO: Yeah.
FRASER: Go get the car, Ray.

Ian is trying to flee through the kitchen. The Canadian baddies are there; he ducks back into the dining room before they can shoot him.

Well, such is my situation
That's all that I can do

Ian runs past Fraser, who grabs the doorframe and does a swinging kick that knocks Clean License Plate back into Phone Booth. Before they can get up, he and Ian both run out of the restaurant and jump in the car as Vecchio drives up to get them.

As the wind blows, baby
And as the case may be
As the wind blows, baby
As the case may be

The two baddies come out of the restaurant shooting, but the Riviera gets away in a cloud of smoke. Norman drives up in the bad guys' car, and they hop in and peel out to follow our heroes.

Well, such is my situation
I hope you're dreaming of me
According to the circumstance
Helpless [?] fate
I must delay the help [?]
We can set a date
Now, baby, I'm dreaming of you
And such is my situation
All that I can do
(Instrumental bridge.)

The Riviera is pulling onto the freeway.

VECCHIO: Are they coming?
FRASER: I don't see them.
IAN: Did you see that? They tried to kill me.
VECCHIO: Yeah, the bullets tipped me off.

The bad guys are in their own car. Clean License Plate is driving.

CLEAN LICENSE PLATE: You got 'em?
THIRD GUY (NORMAN): Just a sec. [He fastens his seatbelt before picking up a scanner.] Okay, got 'em.

They keep driving. On the highway, the Riviera keeps driving. The tracking device is behind the left rear wheel.

In fact, this very restaurant has windows on adjacent walls; our heroes are at a table against a different wall than the front door of the place. So Fraser is right that west-facing windows would warm the syrup, I guess, but not, as I said, that west-facing windows can only be found in a diner by the side of a north-south road. (I couldn't find lyrics online for this song, so if anyone knows the bits I missed, I'm all ears.)

Scene 19

FRASER: There should be a state police post in Battle Creek.
VECCHIO: Forget it!
FRASER: Ray, we have to report this.
VECCHIO: Look, Fraser, there must have been a dozen people back at that roadhouse. I guarantee that somebody called it in. If we go in there, they're going to keep us there for hours making out reports.
FRASER: Ray, they opened fire inside a restaurant. We can't weigh that against a couple hours' driving time.
VECCHIO: Okay, here's what happens. We go in there, they call Welsh. I don't get to go to Florida, and you don't get your prisoner to Canada.
FRASER: Still, I —
IAN: I, I, I think I see them.
VECCHIO: Look, we can't just pull off and start driving around in circles and looking for help. I mean, how long you think it'll take them to catch up to us?
FRASER: Well if we keep going in a straight line, we're not exactly going to be difficult to find.
IAN: Oh, they're behind that truck.

Vecchio does a spinning turn and leaves the highway by going the wrong way up an on ramp. The baddies pass the exit and the entrance.

NORMAN: I think they turned right.
CLEAN LICENSE PLATE: Where?
NORMAN: Back there.

The baddies also turn around and drive against traffic to follow them.

VECCHIO: All right, McDonald, you want to tell us who wants you dead excluding the immediate occupants of this car?
IAN: You wouldn't believe me.
VECCHIO: That, I believe.
IAN: They're rogue Mounties. The RCMP doesn't want me to testify.
FRASER: I don't think they can be Mounties, Ian. The man in the hat appears to be in his mid-fifties, so he would have had to join up when the height requirements were still in place and would have narrowly missed qualifying.
IAN: His nickname is Stumps. He chased a guy through a lumber mill and lost three inches off his legs.
VECCHIO: Here. Don't slap him, shoot him. [He offers Fraser his gun. Fraser pushes it down again.]
IAN: All right, fine. You want the truth? You heard about the Basque separatist movement?
VECCHIO: Next!
IAN: All right, fine, you want the real truth, here it is. Those guys are part of the Canadian Mob.
VECCHIO: There's no such thing.
FRASER: On the contrary, Ray, organized crime is a growing problem in Canada.
VECCHIO: Oh, yeah? What are we talking about here? Conspiracy to commit jaywalking? Organized littering?
IAN: The guy in the hat? Danny "the Bull" Brock. One of his guys stiffed him on accounts, so he took him into an alley and shot him eight times.
VECCHIO: So is that one time with eight bullets or eight separate times? Because in America, after the third trip down the same alley, we start to get a little suspicious.
IAN: I happened to be looking out my window into the alley.
VECCHIO: Yeah, what? All eight times?
IAN: Hey, I saw him do it. So the cops found out, and they made me testify.
VECCHIO: Oh, and on the stand, you — you — wait, don't tell me — you lied?
IAN: Look, these guys can get you anywhere, okay? I was protected around the clock and I still managed to find a note under my pillow. So I fingered somebody else, except that he happened to be in jail at the time of the murder.
VECCHIO: Yeah, now that was very entertaining, so what's your next story? We're being pursued by plainclothes toreadors? [He turns down a local road.]
FRASER: Ray, this road isn't on the map.
VECCHIO: It's going east. That's all I need to know. All right, now, here's a little trick they don't teach you in driver's ed. [swerves again]

In the baddies' car, Norman has lost our heroes on his readout.

CLEAN LICENSE PLATE (BROCK): Where are they? Where are they?
NORMAN: I don't know. [He hits the scanner.]
BROCK: What do you mean you don't know?

They go past the road Vecchio turned down.

Vecchio has a cell phone, so I don't see why he can't call the Michigan State Police to tell them about the shoot-em-up at the restaurant. But failing that, of course Fraser is right that reporting this crime is more important than driving to Florida. He could probably also get some MSP help getting Ian to Canada (although if they were willing to use police vehicles for that purpose he'd just have borrowed a car from the motor pool like I said and we wouldn't be here right now).

Apparently the RCMP height requirement used to be 5'8" for men. If Brock is in his mid-50s and that means he'd have been subject to the height requirement, that means he was 18 or 19 about 35 years ago, or in about 1960—by which time Bob Fraser had been a Mountie for about 10 years, meaning he, too, would have been subject to that height requirement. Uncle IMDb says Gordon Pinsent is exactly 5'8", so well done, Bob Fraser qualifies, but that does make me wonder how small or undernourished Ben Fraser was at the age of seven if he couldn't even reach Bob's belt—even if that means the top of his head didn't come up to his belt, because damn.

Vecchio's possibly deliberate misconceptions about Canada continue. Sigh. Meanwhile, it looks like the Basque separatists dissolved their organizations more than 10 years ago. Huh.

Vecchio's little complaint about one shooting with eight bullets or eight shootings with one bullet each is a bit of bracketing-error fun but not really likely; "plainclothes toreadors" is also just something that sounds fun, right? Bullfighters?

Scene 20

The Riviera is stuck in deep mud. Its wheels are spinning.

IAN: I was a driving instructor once.
VECCHIO: Shut up! All right, now, you two rock back and forth while I gun the engine. [He guns the engine and rocks back and forth in his seat.]
IAN: No, no, no, you're just digging yourself in deeper.
FRASER: I'm afraid he's right, Ray.

Vecchio gets out of the car. Fraser and Diefenbaker get out on the other side.

VECCHIO: Well, it looks worse than it really is. [He pulls his foot out of the mud, and it comes back without his shoe.] My shoe! Mother Nature just ate my shoe!
FRASER: You want me to get it for you, Ray?
VECCHIO: No. What I want is for us to get out of this ditch, drop this psychopath off, and drown my sorrows in coconut milk. This is what I want, okay? This is what I really, really want.

Fraser opens the trunk and hands Vecchio something.

VECCHIO: Got a flip-flop. Okay. You two push it out, and I'll rock us out of here.
IAN: You're taking me to jail, and you expect me to help you out? I don't think so.
VECCHIO: Just get back there and push.
FRASER: Well, we can't actually make him do that, Ray. Forced labor is against the Geneva Convention.
VECCHIO: Yeah, well somebody's gotta push and somebody's gotta drive, and I only got one shoe.
IAN: I'll drive.
VECCHIO: The hell you will.
IAN: All right, suit yourself.
FRASER: Ray. Ray. [offers Ray the keys to Ian's cuffs]
VECCHIO: All right, all right. We'll push it out. [He uncuffs Ian's hands, then cuffs Ian to himself.]
IAN: You expect me to drive like that?
VECCHIO: Yeah, but not too far. All right. On three.

Is Ian a psychopath or a sociopath? I can never keep them sorted.

Scene 21

The baddies are still struggling with their radar reader.

PHONE BOOTH: You broke it.
BROCK: He probably doubled back. Son of a —

He turns around again and drives the other way. Back at the Riviera, Vecchio stands up with a face full of mud.

VECCHIO: I said three!
IAN: My foot cramped. Alright.

Fraser has been wedging sticks under the stuck wheels for traction.

FRASER: All right. Oh Ray, look! Look, I think I found — [He has Vecchio's shoe. He looks at how muddy and angry Vecchio is, shakes his head to himself, and sticks the shoe under the wheel with the sticks.] All right, I think we should have enough traction.
VECCHIO: Okay, let's try it again on one. ONE! [Ian drives. Fraser and Vecchio push. The car gets unstuck. Ian keeps driving. Vecchio is running alongside.] Okay, stop the car, smart guy. Stop the car!
IAN: I can't! I can't! My leg's cramped up!
VECCHIO: Stop the car, you slime-sucking toad.
IAN: You better undo these things.
VECCHIO: You can go to hell! [He is being dragged alongside the car. Fraser is running behind it.] Fraser!
IAN: Ow, ow, my leg, ow!

He speeds up. Vecchio can't keep up. He unlocks the cuffs and rolls away from the car. Fraser leaps for the back bumper and catches it; Ian drags him for a little way. He sees the tracking device before he has to let go. Vecchio draws his gun and contemplates shooting out the tires, but Fraser and Diefenbaker are in the way.

VECCHIO: Damn.
FRASER: They know where we are.
VECCHIO: What?
FRASER: There's a tracking device on the car. If we don't get to him fast, they'll find him. They'll kill him.
VECCHIO: It's not going to happen, Fraser, 'cause I've got first dibs. [He starts walking up the road after the car, then turns around to head back to the mud hole.] I'm going to find my shoe.
FRASER: Well — about your shoe.

Ian is driving up the road. He tosses the cuffs out the window. The scanner lights back up in the baddies' car.

PHONE BOOTH: I got 'em. They're heading north.

Scene 22

Fraser and Vecchio are walking along the country road.

VECCHIO: Do you know how many mint condition seventy-one Buick Rivieras are left on the road? Almost none. This man stole something from me that is almost irreplaceable.
FRASER: And easily identifiable, which means he can't use the freeways. He knows Brock is after him. He has to assume we'll have put out an APB. So his only option is to find someplace to hide till dusk and then travel at night.
VECCHIO: Oh, that narrows down the search to every barn, garage, or haystack in the greater Michigan area.
FRASER: Every barn has a farmer, Ray, and every garage has an owner. Without time and friends, it's not that easy to find someplace to hide. He's wanted on both sides of the border by both sides of the law. He's got nowhere to run.
VECCHIO: He dents it, I'll kill him.
FRASER: My father said something that's always stuck with me, Ray.
VECCHIO: Your father never shut up, did he?
FRASER: He said a man with no future will always run to his past.
VECCHIO: And when did this come up, Fraser? Were you sitting around at breakfast when he came up with these things? Or did he come running into your room and just blurt them out?
FRASER: Ray, there's no need to be sarcastic.
VECCHIO: No, I'm just curious. How did he work these things into everyday conversation? Did he say, "Son, did you see the size of that moose? And by the way, a man with no future will always run to his past."?
FRASER: Ray, I'm sorry about your shoe. I thought you didn't want it any more.
VECCHIO: You know what my father used to say? A man without a car is nothing. And I don't want to be nothing anymore, Fraser. It's hard on my socks.

They have come to a T junction. Fraser points to the left.

FRASER: He went that way.
VECCHIO: Why? Does a man with no future always turn left?
FRASER: No. He's gone to find the pancake house.
VECCHIO: There is no pancake house. It's a lie, just like everything else that's come out of his mouth.
FRASER: I don't think so, Ray. People tell lies for a number of different reasons. Because they're ashamed, because they're insecure, sometimes because they're in trouble. But they always hope to gain something from their lie. Money, prestige, pity, sometimes even freedom. His story about the pancake house, now, he stood nothing to gain by it. He told it because it's true. He let us see a little glimpse of who he really is, and then he got angry because we saw that. That pancake house exists. It may be the only place around here where he feels safe. I think he's gone to find it.
VECCHIO: I bet he used my lighter.

Fraser has apparently never heard of an abandoned building.

Scene 23

Diefenbaker is lying by the side of the road. Fraser is cleaning his boots. Vecchio is holding out his thumb. A sleek sports car pulls over.

VECCHIO: All right. Here we go.
WOMAN: Need a lift?
VECCHIO: Oh, yes, thank you.
WOMAN: Not you. [to Fraser] Which way you going?
FRASER: Oh, well, we're traveling together, ma'am.
WOMAN: Ditch him.
VECCHIO: I'll go without him.
WOMAN: Not likely. [to Fraser] Too bad. If you ever get to Miami, just ask for Rhonda. [She winks and drives off.]
VECCHIO: See that? Women always judge you by your shoes.
FRASER: Well, I don't think she was sincere in her invitation, Ray. I mean, how could a young woman possibly be known by her first name in such a large city?
VECCHIO: Fraser, your father taught you nothing, you know that? [gets his badge out of his pocket] Okay. Enough is enough. I'm the law, and I need a lift. [He stands in the road and holds his badge up like Captain America's shield. A pickup truck is coming toward him.]
FRASER: Uh, Ray, I don't think he can possibly read your badge from this distance.
VECCHIO: Whoa! [He dives past Diefenbaker into the ditch.]
FRASER: But I could be wrong.
VECCHIO: [coming back to stand beside Fraser with his gun drawn] Well, they can read this.
FRASER: Ray, brandishing a weapon is not going to encourage motorists to come to our aid.
VECCHIO: Fraser, look at me. I have one shoe, I am covered in mud, and I'm standing with a wolf and a guy dressed like who knows what. No one in their right mind is going to stop and give us a lift without the threat of deadly force.

A station wagon drives up.

NICE GUY: Hey, you folks stranded, eh?
VECCHIO: Canadian?
NICE GUY: Go on, eh? How'd you know?
FRASER: [He and Vecchio exchange can-you-believe-this looks. Vecchio puts away his gun.] Well, we're officers of the law, sir, and we're pursuing an escaped perjurer. We'd very much appreciate a lift.
NICE GUY: Well, hop on in.
FRASER: Thank you kindly.
VECCHIO: It's a sick country you have, Fraser.

Fraser, Vecchio, and Diefenbaker get into the station wagon. It pulls back onto the highway; Brock swerves to avoid hitting them.

BROCK: Damn Americans. They never signal.
PHONE BOOTH: They've turned.
BROCK: Which way?
PHONE BOOTH: That way.
BROCK: I can't see when you point in the back seat.
PHONE BOOTH: Left.
BROCK: Here?
PHONE BOOTH: Yes, here.

Brock turns quickly. The car goes off the road into a ditch. The station wagon is still a ways behind them.

FRASER: Ah, it would be a pancake house off highway twelve near Hillsdale.
NICE GUY: Well, we're headed for a mall right near there.
NICE LADY: You have such wonderful malls in the States.
NICE GUY: Mapped out the whole route on our home computer, eh? Three states, six malls, one day.
NICE LADY: Oh, would you look at that? [The Canadian baddies are in the road in front of them.] More stranded motorists with guns.
VECCHIO: Floor it, buddy! Floor it! [The nice guy floors it, and the Canadian baddies jump out of the way at the last second.]
NICE LADY: America's just getting more violent all the time.
NICE GUY: It's television, eh? That's why I like our fine Canadian programming.

The Canadian baddies are trying to get their car out of the ditch. The wheels are spinning in the snow. A police car rolls up.

NORMAN: Ah, jeez.
COP: Guys need some help?

Picture me looking over the top of my glasses at the writers' room at "fine Canadian programming".

Scene 24

At the pancake house, Ian flips out the baseboard with a butter knife and finds a little time capsule of childhood treasures and a key. From outside, it is clear that the place is abandoned. The station wagon pulls in.

NICE GUY: You guys need a ride, we're coming right past here on the way back.
VECCHIO: Oh, thanks, we'll be fine.
NICE LADY: If you're ever in Sarnia, drop by.
FRASER: Thank you kindly.
VECCHIO: Thanks. [They drive off.] Fraser, if I'm ever in Sarnia, shoot me with a big gun.
FRASER: Will do.
VECCHIO: There she is! [runs to the Riviera] Oh, baby, oh baby, did he hurt you? Did he hurt you? [He looks at a spot on the hood to see if the paint is scuffed.]

Fraser and Diefenbaker go into the pancake house and find Ian sitting on the floor.

IAN: I didn't even see anything.
FRASER: I'm sorry?
IAN: In the alley. I was in my apartment. I just didn't look out my window. I didn't see anything. Didn't hear anything.
FRASER: But you told the police you did.
IAN: They came around looking for witnesses. I was there when it happened, so they said I must have seen something. Couldn't help myself. Look, look at this. I thought I'd, I'd stashed something valuable here. You know, some, uh, money, some jewelry. Look at this junk. You know, we would travel for hours to get here. He'd say maybe two words to me. Then we'd get here, and he'd give me some money and tell me he'd be back — he left me here for hours. Sometimes overnight. You know, the only reason he took me was so my mother wouldn't know he was cheating on her. And she would always ask me what we did and where we went, and he would tell me what to say. Now, she had to be the most gullible person in the world. I mean, I could have told her that we went to the moon and she would have believed me. Not too bright. She thought I was going to be somebody. [He shakes off the melancholy and is back to his wiseacre self.] I think that she would be proud. What do you think?
FRASER: Is that why you said you'd seen the murder? To be somebody?
IAN: Look, I'm just telling you an amusing anecdote. This is a very, very sad story, my friend. Hoping maybe you'd feel sorry for me and let me go. [gets up off the floor and sits next to Fraser on a ruined booth] But I'll tell you something. You do have to appreciate the irony in the situation. I mean, I tell a lie and say I saw Danny the Bull do it, and I go free. I tell the truth — that I saw absolutely nothing — and they're never going to believe me. I'll go to jail for perjury. That's the story of my life.

The baddies have arrived. Vecchio dives into the pancake house just before they start shooting.

VECCHIO: Everybody down, down, down! [The good guys hit the floor. The bad guys park, get out of their car, and keep shooting at the building. Norman is behind the Riviera; the other two are behind their car.] Get up, get up, get up! [The good guys take cover under the front window frame.]
BROCK: Hey, Ian, come out here! We want to talk to you!

Good guys (including Diefenbaker) all peek. Bad guys start shooting again. Good guys duck. Vecchio shoots blindly out the window (three shots).

VECCHIO: I think I got the windshield.
FRASER: Every little bit helps, Ray.
IAN: Great. We'll be dead, but they'll have really poor visibility.
VECCHIO: Okay. [bad guys shoot] I'll cover. You go out the back door and circle around.
IAN: No, there is no back door.
VECCHIO: Yeah, like I'm supposed to believe that?
IAN: You're right. I'm on their side. [bad guys shoot some more]
VECCHIO: Any ideas?
FRASER: The only access is the side and front windows, and they have those covered. [Vecchio shoots out the window seven more times.] You know, Ray, if you could lay down enough withering fire, I think I can make it to the car.
VECCHIO: I only got one bullet left. [bad guys shoot some more]
FRASER: That's all we're gonna need.
VECCHIO: Yeah, if we can get them to line up straight.
FRASER: No, no. When I was flipping through the service manual of your car, I discovered that your gas tank is only eleven inches from your rear fender.
VECCHIO: You opened my manual?
FRASER: Only for three seconds. Now, one bullet surely can penetrate the tank and spark an explosion.
IAN: I was right?
VECCHIO: Yeah, luckily, you'll both be taking that information to the grave. [bad guys shoot some more]
FRASER: What we need to do is get the other two close enough to be hit by the explosion.
VECCHIO: Well, there's two guys behind their car. Why can't I just shoot it?
FRASER: Well, I didn't read their manual, Ray. [bad guys shoot some more]
IAN: I can get them to the car.
VECCHIO: Oh yeah, like we can trust you.
IAN: Look, I was just offering to help. If you don't want me to, fine.
VECCHIO: Oh, feeling a little remorse, are we? A little guilt for leaving us stranded out in the middle of nowhere to freeze to death? Well, it's too late, pal. God can see right through your feeble attempts at redemption when you think that the end is near. Trust me, it won't do you any good.
IAN: Hey, you speaking from personal experience? [bad guys shoot some more] Look, I haven't done a whole hell of a lot in my life that benefited anybody but myself, and for once, I was going to do something that helped somebody else. Forget I mentioned it.
VECCHIO: Oh, very poignant. I got tears in my eyes. The only problem is, you and I both know if we let you out, you cut a deal with them to let you go, you get us killed.
FRASER: I don't think so, Ray. I think we can trust him.
IAN: No, you can't.
FRASER: Yes, we can.
VECCHIO: Is there no other way?
FRASER: No. Although, you know, maybe it would be easier if I shot your car.
VECCHIO: No, no, no, I can do it. [to Ian] No funny business, or I miss the car and aim straight for you. Capisce?
IAN: Mr. Brock! It's Ian. How you doing? [bad guys shoot some more] Okay, here's the deal. I come out there with the car keys, and you let me disappear. I, I just go, and I don't testify, they tell their bosses I escaped, and everybody goes away happy. You think you can live with that?
BROCK: Let me think about it. [to Phone Booth] Dump him in the trunk. [to Ian] Okay, Ian.
FRASER: As soon as you get close enough, dive for cover. He'll shoot.
IAN: Okay. [He starts to go.] Of course, you know, if you'd rather that I shot the car —
VECCHIO: Just get out the door.

Ian puts his hands above his head and steps out the door. All three bad guys come out from behind their respective cars to advance on him. Vecchio rolls to take a position where he can see the Riviera. Fraser is spotting from the window.

FRASER: He's getting closer. [The bad guys grab Ian and start to walk him back toward the Riviera.] He's almost there.
VECCHIO: My hand is shaking.

The bad guys have got Ian to within arm's length of the Riviera. Vecchio is sighting down the barrel of his gun and trembling.

FRASER: Uh, Ray? [Ian breaks free from the bad guys and dives back toward the building, curling up and covering his head. Diefenbaker peeks around a corner.] Right now would be quite a good time.

The bad guys start to stalk toward Ian. Vecchio shoots. The Riviera explodes. The bad guys go flying. Fraser rushes to Ian and helps him up.

FRASER: You all right?
VECCHIO: Yeah, yeah. I used to be a stunt man for a while.

Vecchio comes out of the Little House of Pancakes and sadly watches his car burn.

I counted ten shots from Vecchio, and I don't know what kind of gun has an 11-round clip, but whatever. Also, I gave you Sarnia for free on the map with Kitchener and Hillsdale in it up in scene 15. I always used to cross at Sarnia when I had the option, because driving in Port Huron, Michigan, is so much less of a pain in the ass than driving in Detroit.

Anyway, the main point is: See, Fraser? Buildings can be abandoned. Why didn't that enter your calculus in scene 21, huh? (Probably the same reason using a motor pool car never occurred to anyone in scene 6. IF THEY'D TAKEN A CAR FROM THE MOTOR POOL RAY VECCHIO WOULD STILL OWN A RIVIERA.)

Late edit: I've had this tab open in my phone for weeks and keep forgetting to note it here, but in 2004, the Mythbusters demonstrated that shooting a car's fuel tank does not cause the car to explode (and in 2005 they demonstrated that the car might explode if its fuel tank were shot with a tracer round from a sufficient distance.

Scene 25

The nice mall-crawling Canadian couple are driving over the Ambassador Bridge between Detroit and Windsor with many purchases strapped to the roof of their station wagon and Fraser, Vecchio, Ian, the three bad guys, and Diefenbaker inside.

FRASER: Just, ah, stop at the Customs booth. I'll explain the situation.
NICE GUY: Yeah, we do this all the time. Just let me do the talking. [He pulls up to the border guard.] Nothing to declare. [The border guard waves them through.]
FRASER: [as they are pulling away] Well — well, as a matter of fact —

Behind them, a car with two adults in it pulls up.

BORDER GUARD: Get out of the car, please.

Scene 26

The three bad guys are handcuffed to their chairs in a Tim Hortons analogue. The waitress brings them cups of coffee and sticks a straw in each one. Vecchio is in a phone booth.

VECCHIO: Yes, sir. Well, they think there was a short in the electrical system. Uh, no, I'm fine, sir. Well, it may take some time to find some of the parts, sir. [He has the lighter it took him seven years to source. He looks fondly at it and puts it in his pocket.] Yeah, thank you. [He hangs up and goes back to the table.] He's sending Elaine to Miami.
FRASER: I'm so sorry, Ray.
NORMAN: Would it be against the law to get us a cruller?
FRASER: Trying to decide what you're going to do?
IAN: Between lying and going to jail? That, that's a tough one.
FRASER: It is, actually. You can keep deceiving people so they think you are somebody, or you can be somebody.
IAN: Everybody needs to be somebody sometime.
FRASER: There was the person your mother thought you could be. What do you think he'd do?

A couple of police officers come in. One of them claps Fraser on the shoulder.

OFFICER: You have any trouble with him?
FRASER: No.
OFFICER: Okay. Let's get on the road, then.
IAN: [to Fraser as he is going with the officers] See you in a few years.

The officers and Ian get into their police car.

OFFICER: What's the quickest way to get back on the highway?
IAN: Oh, don't worry, I'll show you. Make a left.

Vecchio and Fraser come out of the diner. Vecchio sticks his thumb out.

FRASER: Ray, I think we should have turned them over to the Canadian authorities.
VECCHIO: Hey, if they want 'em, they can dig 'em out of an American jail. [to the bad guys] Hey, come on! Stick out your thumbs. [All five of them—Vecchio, the three bad guys, and Fraser—stick their thumbs out.]
FRASER: You're certain all the rental cars were taken?
VECCHIO: Hey, don't blame me, I never heard of your damn Maple Syrup Day.

The police car has gone around the block and is coming by again.

IAN: I'm sure it's this way. Make a left.

The ending credits are —

IAN: Now I got it. Straight ahead, straight ahead.

The police car goes back the other way. Fraser, Vecchio, Diefenbaker, and the three bad guys are still by the road with their thumbs out.

Okay I don't know if these cops who come get Ian are from a city police department, Ontario Provincial Police, or RCMP themselves, but there's no excuse for them not to know how to get back to the highway they just came in on; and also, after all that the way you're doing a prisoner transfer is to meet at Tim Hortons and hand him over? I mean I guess that's as far as the mallrats could take them, and if they'd had their own wheels they'd have brought Ian (and the bad guys) to an actual police station. But the local police didn't bring enough cars to help the good guys get home, either? I have a lot of notes about procedure here!

The title is a reference to one of two Hitchcock films called The Man Who Knew Too Much (1934; 1956). Or, based on their descriptions, on neither (or, you know, both, because title only).

Cumulative body count: 10
Red uniform: The whole episode, because apparently transporting a prisoner is a special occasion rather than routine police work?

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return to Due South: season 1 episode 14 "The Man Who Knew Too Little"