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return to Due South: season 1 episode 18 "An Invitation to Romance"
An Invitation To Romance
air date April 6, 1995
Scene 1
At the Canadian consulate. Fraser's boss, Inspector Moffat, is standing on his coffee table.
MOFFAT: Image, Constable. That's what we're talking about here. The basis of all diplomatic relationship isn't who you are but who the other side thinks you are. [It turns out he's having a suit altered. He's wearing the jacket, shirt, and tie, but no trousers and no shoes. The tailor is pinning up the hem of the jacket.] Now, I've worked very hard creating an image of Canadians we can all be proud of.
FRASER: Yes, sir.
MOFFAT: You, on the other hand, have been doing everything in your power to wreak havoc on that image.
FRASER: Sir?
MOFFAT: All this do-gooding, Constable. Picking up litter, rescuing kittens, saving people's lives. What sort of message do you suppose that sends to the Americans?
FRASER: That we care, sir?
MOFFAT: Exactly. And people don't fear people who care.
FRASER: I'm sorry, sir, I wasn't aware that we wanted the Americans to fear us.
MOFFAT: That's what every country wants, Fraser. No one takes you seriously if they think they can push you around. [The tailor takes his jacket.] Do you think I would have risen this high if people weren't afraid of me? [to tailor] When can it be ready?
TAILOR: Wednesday.
MOFFAT: Nonsense. I need it this afternoon.
TAILOR: I'll have to take 'em with me.
MOFFAT: Well, then, get on with it, man! Get on with it! [The tailor takes the suit and leaves. Moffat steps down from his desk.] There. Do you see that, Fraser? [He steps down off the table in his shirt, tie, boxers, and socks.] That's another American tailor that fears me.
FRASER: I could see that, sir.
MOFFAT: And that's what Canada needs.
FRASER: To be feared by tailors?
MOFFAT: Along with every other American.
FRASER: Do we have a plan to accomplish this, sir?
MOFFAT: Yes, but I'm not at liberty to reveal it at this moment. The important thing is that you not undermine our efforts with all this nice-guy stuff.
FRASER: Yes, sir. As to my assignment?
MOFFAT: Assignment, yes. I need for you to deliver a very important document. [He looks for it in all his desk drawers and finally finds it under his planner.] Ah. Now, I don't want to say that the relationship between our two countries rests on its safe arrival, but if something were to go wrong, I can't speak as to the consequences.
FRASER: It looks like a party invitation, sir.
MOFFAT: Clever, no? Just make sure that someone gives you a, um. Get, get a . . .
FRASER: Signature?
MOFFAT: A signature, yes. And get the balloons on the way home. We're counting on you doing your part to make sure our reception is a success. You know your duties?
FRASER: Doorman, sir.
MOFFAT: Is that what you do?
FRASER: Yes, sir.
MOFFAT: Well, keep up the good work. Carry on. Oh, and Constable: Godspeed.
FRASER: Thank you, sir. [He leaves the office.]
MOFFAT: [belatedly realizes he is not wearing trousers] Oh.
Well, it's good to see Inspector Moffat and his nutty ideas about diplomacy again.
The envelope is addressed to N.J. Ellis, 746 West Lakeside Place, Chicago, Illinois, 60640, which may not be a real address, of course, but 60640 is a real Chicago zip code in the Lincoln Square neighborhood.
Scene 2
Fraser conceals the invitation as he goes past the reception desk to his own office. The receptionist is vaguely amused.
FRASER: [as he gathers his hat and coat] I have to go out for a while, Diefenbaker, on a very important assignment. So what I would suggest is that you just — [Diefenbaker is not where Fraser expected him to be.] Diefenbaker? Oh, please, don't do this to me now. Dief? [He looks in his closet.] There is nothing more frustrating than playing hide and seek with a deaf wolf. [He grabs the letter and goes back out to the corridor to speak to the receptionist.] Jasmine, have you seen Diefenbaker?
RECEPTIONIST (JASMINE): No, Fraser, I haven't. [pointing ostentatiously under her desk]
FRASER: [sees Diefenbaker's nose and paws] Ah. Well, if you do, could you tell him I had to go out for a while?
JASMINE: Sure thing.
But I suppose Constable Brighton got a gig that actually has something to do with law enforcement.
Scene 3
Fraser is walking to wherever it is he's going and immediately disregards Moffat's stop-do-gooding instructions. He approaches an old lady who is waiting for a break in the traffic.
FRASER: Can I give you a hand across the road, ma'am?
OLD LADY: Well, aren't you the kind young man. Where are you from?
FRASER: Well, ma'am, I'm from — I'd rather not say. [She takes his arm and he walks her across the street, directing traffic with his other hand. A posse of nuns are about to cross the other way.] Ah. Please. This way. [He does more traffic directing and ushers the nuns across the street.]
YOUNG WOMAN ON SIDEWALK: [with earphones] Je m'appelle Katherine. Comment allez-vous? [to street vendor] Could you tell me how to get to the nearest post office?
VENDOR: Two blocks up on your right.
YOUNG WOMAN ON SIDEWALK (KATHERINE): Très bien, et vous? [to vendor, as she takes out one of her earphones] I'm sorry, you'll have to speak up. I'm trying to learn French, and it's difficult to do two things at once, especially if they're in two different languages.
VENDOR: Two blocks up on your right —
KATHERINE: Oh, thanks anyway, I'll find it myself. [looks at her watch] Oh, damn. [starts crossing the street, paying no attention to her surroundings] Fermez la porte, Jacques, merci. Fermez la porte, Jacques, merci.
She sails across the street, oblivious. Cars are honking and swerving to avoid her. Fraser, who is helping a wheelchair user up onto the sidewalk, sees that a truck is about to hit her, and runs and tackles her out of its way. Her packages and mail go flying as they roll to safety.
FRASER: Oh, I beg your pardon. I — [She puts her knee in a sensitive place as she gets up.] — oogh!
KATHERINE: [dusting off her hands] What in God's name do you think you're doing? Right in broad daylight! I don't know where you get the idea that you can just do whatever you please. Well, you just tackled the wrong woman, mister. [She is gathering her packages and handing them to him. He is still trying to direct traffic around them both.]
FRASER: Well, actually, I think you misunderstand —
KATHERINE: I misunderstand? Oh, that's very nice. That's very nice that you accuse me of not understanding. I'm too rash, too emotional, incapable of reason, huh?
FRASER: Well, no, I didn't mean that. What I meant was —
KATHERINE: Well, let me tell you something about me. When I want something, I ask. When someone says something, I listen. I don't grab people and throw them to the ground when they're trying to learn French. And if I do? Well, I at least apologize.
FRASER: Well, I, I, I'm terribly sorry, but you misunderstand. You see, you were about to be hit by a truck.
KATHERINE: Oh. Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place? After all, I'm not a mind reader.
She swans off toward the post office. Fraser picks up his hat from the curb. There is one piece of mail under it; it is one of hers, which means she must have the invitation Moffat asked him to deliver.
FRASER: Oh, dear. Ah —
He steps into the street to follow her and is promptly sprayed by a street cleaning truck.
I feel like even if you didn't know Jane Krakowski was a dancer, you'd be able to tell by the way she bevels her feet in those t-strap shoes as she crouches down to pick up her packages, innit?
What she says in French is "My name is Katherine. How are you?", "Very well, and you?", and "Close the door, Jacques, thank you" (twice).
Meanwhile, ARE THERE NO CROSSWALKS IN CHICAGO? I'll buy that in 1995 the wheelchair user might have needed a hand because there were probably not sufficient curb cuts, and the old lady in the first instance might have needed a little help keeping her balance or getting all the way across the street in time. But those nuns were young and healthy and are almost certainly competent to cross a street, and besides, why was everyone waiting for a break in traffic instead of going to the corner and waiting for a freaking light?
Credits roll.
Paul Gross
David Marciano
Beau Starr
Daniel Kash
Tony Craig
Catherine Bruhier
(plus Lincoln the dog)
Jane Krakowski, Nicholas Campbell, Joseph Ziegler, Arthi Sambasivan, Frank Pellegrino
Scene 4
Fraser trots across the street to speak to the vendor.
FRASER: Excuse me. Did you happen to see a young lady with a bright blue jacket and a floral skirt carrying a — [He realizes where she must have gone.] — post office. Thank you. Thank you kindly. [He runs off. The vendor is confused.]
At the post office, Katherine is blithely moving up the line.
KATHERINE: Oh, that's very kind of you. [to the next person in front of her] Excuse me. You don't mind if I cut in, do you? I'm getting married tomorrow.
PERSON IN LINE: Sure.
KATHERINE: Oh, thank you.
FRASER: [arriving at the post office] Ah, excuse me.
KATHERINE: Oh, hello. [to someone further back in line] This is that man I was telling you about.
WOMAN FURTHER BACK IN LINE: Hello.
KATHERINE: [to the man in front of her] Would you mind if I went in front of you? You see, I'm getting married tomorrow, and I'm running very late.
MAN IN FRONT OF HER: No problem. No problem.
KATHERINE: Oh, thank you.
FRASER: I'm afraid you have my letter.
KATHERINE: Your letter? Oh, no, these are my letters. Don't you remember? They fell when you tackled me.
FRASER: Uh, no, you see, I had a letter also, only my letter didn't have a stamp on it.
KATHERINE: Oh, then you're in the wrong line. You buy stamps over there. [to the man in front of her now] Excuse me, sir?
MAN IN FRONT OF HER NOW: Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
KATHERINE: Oh, thanks.
FRASER: Uh, no, actually, you don't understand. Or, rather, let me think of another way of saying that —
KATHERINE: [to the next man] Excuse me.
NEXT MAN: Sure. Sure.
FRASER: Now, you see —
NEXT MAN: Hey, hey, wait your turn, buddy. [Everyone in the line starts grumbling at Fraser.]
KATHERINE: You know, I really don't think you should be cutting in front of all these nice people. They were generous enough to let me pass, but I'm afraid you're upsetting them. Oh, here, I'll mail it for you.
FRASER: Well, that's very kind of you, but actually, I need my letter back.
KATHERINE: But you just gave it to me. Just a second, this is my letter.
FRASER: Well, yes, it is —
KATHERINE: What were you doing with my letter? Oh, you're following me, aren't you.
FRASER: Exactly. [She gives all the mail to the postal clerk, who is checking his watch.]
KATHERINE: Oh, well, that's very flattering, but I have to tell you that I'm already spoken for. And I'm afraid my fiancé is very jealous. So I think it's really best that we don't see each other again.
The clerk has checked that all her letters were properly stamped. He gets to Fraser's letter, franks it with a rubber stamp, and closes his window in Fraser's face.
Oh my god this woman is exhausting. (Do we think Fraser is learning anything about how exhausting he can be sometimes? Probably not.) Nice work, Krakowski.
What's going to happen to all those people who were in line when the window closed? Freaking post office.
Scene 5
Vecchio has driven Fraser to a bigger downtown post office. Fraser still has one of Katherine's letters.
FRASER: I appreciate this, Ray. Let me get the door for you.
Inside, Vecchio is getting into it with a USPS employee at a window.
VECCHIO: Look, he's a Mountie, okay? Mounties do not lie. If he says it's his letter, it's his letter.
POSTAL CLERK: I don't care if he's Sergeant Preston. He's not getting the letter.
FRASER: Ray, perhaps we —
VECCHIO: Benny, let me handle this, all right? [to clerk] Let me see your driver's license, pal.
POSTAL CLERK: Do I look like I'm driving? [A clerk at another window is waving Fraser over to her. Fraser goes to her window.] Look, once a letter is deposited, it becomes government property. It's our responsibility until it reaches its designated destination —
CLERK AT THE OTHER WINDOW: Are you looking for a letter from the Canadian consulate?
FRASER: Yes. [She slides the envelope across the counter to him.] Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to get in any trouble.
CLERK AT THE OTHER WINDOW: I get off at four.
FRASER: Well, then, I won't keep you. You must have a lot to do. Thank you kindly. [He steps away from her window, leaving her confused.]
POSTAL CLERK: [He has been talking at Vecchio this whole time.] — so how many times do I have to tell you? It can't be done.
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, if I find your mail truck parked in front of a hydrant, don't expect me to cut you any slack. [to Fraser] There's absolutely no way to get that letter back.
FRASER: It's all right, Ray. [He shows him the letter, and they turn to leave the post office.]
VECCHIO: How did you do that?
I simply do not understand "Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to get in any trouble" when she is offering him exactly what they are asking for at the other window. I'm glad he took the damned thing anyway.
Scene 6
Vecchio and Fraser are driving. Fraser is on Vecchio's cell phone.
VECCHIO: Did I mention it was my day off?
FRASER: Several times. The consulate line is still busy.
VECCHIO: I thought I did, but then I became confused when I found myself driving around delivering mail.
FRASER: Well, this isn't just mail, Ray. This is a highly sensitive Canadian government document.
VECCHIO: Oh, you guys planning an invasion?
FRASER: Well, I'm not entirely sure. I think I may have said too much already.
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, don't do it today, all right? 'Cause I'm going to be sitting on my couch enjoying the basketball game, and tipoff's in exactly five minutes.
FRASER: Seven-four-six West Lakeside Place. That wouldn't be on your way home, would it?
VECCHIO: No.
They pull up at 746 West Lakeside Place.
FRASER: I'll just be a minute.
VECCHIO: All right, I'm counting down, Fraser. One, two, three, four —
FRASER: Technically that's counting up.
VECCHIO: Get the hell out of here! Nine, ten —
Fraser joins a delivery man on the doorstep as the delivery man rings the doorbell.
DELIVERY MAN: Busy place. Third delivery today. [Fraser nods politely.]
KATHERINE: [answering the door while speaking on a cell phone] I don't understand what the problem is. [sees Fraser] What are you doing here?
FRASER: I am as surprised as you are, ma'am.
DELIVERY MAN: Delivery for Ellis. Where do you want it?
KATHERINE: Oh, anywhere. [to Fraser] Please, you have to go away. [to the phone] No, of course not you. You are away. [to Fraser] Do men understand nothing?
FRASER: Allow me to explain. I, I have a letter —
KATHERINE: Oh? The one you accused me of taking?
FRASER: Yes.
KATHERINE: You see, you had it all along. Well, let's just say you apologized and leave it at that, shall we?
FRASER: No! No, you see, I have to deliver it into the hands —
KATHERINE: You want to give it to me? Oh, no, we've been through that already, I'm not going to take it a second time. [on the phone] Yes, I'm still here. [to Fraser] Listen, we both know why you're doing this, and if I was available, I might be intrigued, but I'm not, so you'll just have to leave.
FRASER: I honestly didn't know that this was your address.
KATHERINE: Don't be ridiculous. It's written right there on the envelope.
FRASER: Ma'am, all I want to do is deliver this letter and —
KATHERINE: All right, I'll take your letter, but no matter how well it's written, I'm not going to change my mind. I'm getting married tomorrow. [on the phone] Yes, I know you know that. All right, I'll be there at two. Oh — but just give me your number in case I get lost. Five-five-five oh-eight-six-six. Five-five-five oh-eight-six-six. Five-five-five oh-eight-six-six. [to Fraser] Do you have a pen?
FRASER: Yes. And if you could just sign right —
KATHERINE: Oh damn, what was the number?
FRASER: Five-five-five oh-eight-six-six.
KATHERINE: How do you know the number of my bridal shop? [She writes the number on the back of Fraser's important letter.]
FRASER: Well, I didn't know it was the number of your bridal shop.
KATHERINE: Oh, so you just pulled that number right out of the air? [She signs the receipt.] Okay, there. Now is there anything else?
FRASER: Uh, no, and I assure you, ma'am, that you will —
MAN UPSTAIRS: Who's down there?
KATHERINE: Oh, no, now you've done it. If my fiancé finds you here, he'll never understand. He's very jealous. [She shoos him out of the house.]
FRASER: Well, there's absolutely no reason for him —
KATHERINE: Well, then, you're a lot more broad-minded then he is. Bye-bye, now.
She closes the door in Fraser's face. He goes away, not really knowing what has just happened.
Fraser could learn a lot from this delivery guy. Do not engage the energy creature! "Sign here, please. Thank you. Have a good day."
Scene 7
Katherine's fiancé is coming down the stairs.
KATHERINE: Have you seen our wedding license application, dear? I thought I put it — oh, here it is. [She picks it up, and in so doing knocks the consulate invitation with the phone number written on it off the hall table into the bin.]
MAN UPSTAIRS (FIANCÉ): Who was that?
KATHERINE: Oh, no one, dear. A Mountie. He means nothing to me.
FIANCÉ: And what's that supposed to mean? He means nothing to you?
KATHERINE: Do you see an envelope with a phone number written on it? It was right here.
FIANCÉ: Just a second. What did, what did he want?
KATHERINE: You really have nothing to worry about. He's a total stranger. If I hadn't been lying on top of him, I hardly would have recognized him.
FIANCÉ: You were — you were lying on top of him?
KATHERINE: What is the number of my bridal shop?
FIANCÉ: Five-five-five oh-eight-six-six.
KATHERINE: Oh, yes! Thank you, sweetheart.
FIANCÉ: Wait, wait. Forget about that. What's this lying on top of who?
KATHERINE: Now, don't get all worked up. He was just being a gentleman. If he'd landed on top, he would have crushed me. You saw how big he was.
I . . . my head is spinning.
Scene 8
Vecchio is still sitting in his car, counting.
VECCHIO: Four hundred and twenty-two, four hundred and twenty-three —
FRASER: I'm sorry it took so long, Ray. [Vecchio drives off.] Ms. Burns is not the easiest person to — oh dear. Oh, dear. [Vecchio shifts into reverse and backs right up to the driveway.] N. Ellis. Must be her fiancé. Poor man.
VECCHIO: Just get out of here.
FRASER: All right. No more Mr. Nice Man.
He gets out of the car. Inside, Katherine is still chattering at her fiancé.
KATHERINE: Now, see, there you go again, jumping to conclusions.
FIANCÉ: What?
KATHERINE: You really have to work on controlling your temper.
FIANCÉ: Come on. A guy picks you up in the street, I have a right to know who he is. Is that asking too much? [doorbell rings]
KATHERINE: Dear, if I knew his name, I would tell you.
FIANCÉ: You don't even know his name?
KATHERINE: Well, I really didn't think it would be appropriate to ask. After all, I hardly know him, and I did have a few other things on my mind.
FIANCÉ: I just want to —
KATHERINE: I mean, we are getting married tomorrow.
FIANCÉ: I just want to know what happened, okay? What happened?
KATHERINE: Nothing, dear. But if it'll make you happy, I promise I will never see the man again. [She answers the door, and Fraser is there.]
FRASER: Ah, Miss Burns, uh, I just realized I made a mistake in delivering that letter to you.
FIANCÉ: So now the guy's sending you letters?
FRASER: Uh, no, if I could explain —
FIANCÉ: Don't you lie to me. You just said you gave it to her.
KATHERINE: I'm sure it's just an innocent infatuation, dear. [to Fraser] Isn't that true?
FRASER: No.
FIANCÉ: What?
KATHERINE: Really?
FIANCÉ: How long has this been going on?
KATHERINE: Well, just since this morning. If you don't believe that, I really don't know what else to say. Oh, there's my cab. [to Fraser] Will you please explain it to him?
FRASER: Well, I would like to explain it to someone.
KATHERINE: Thank you. [She goes to get in the cab.]
FRASER: You see, sir, all I'm attempting to do is deliver a letter to you.
FIANCÉ: Then give me the letter.
FRASER: Oh, dear. Ah — she took it with her, didn't she? This really is not going particularly well. If you will excuse me, sir, I have to pursue your fiancée — otherwise, I might not be able to catch her. And I thank you kindly for your patience. [He runs after the cab.] Ma'am! Uh, ah, ah — oh — [The cab is gone. Fraser hops back in the Riviera, where Vecchio is listening to the basketball on the radio.] We have to follow her.
VECCHIO: Who?
FRASER: She's in that cab. I think we can still catch her.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: . . . baseline, Gilmore, up and fouled!
Vecchio pulls out to follow the cab. In the house, an employee comes out to talk to the fiancé, eating a sandwich.
EMPLOYEE: What was that all about?
FIANCÉ: Follow her.
EMPLOYEE: Oh, come on, Nigel, not again.
FIANCÉ (NIGEL): If there's nothing going on, she's got nothing to worry about, right? Just follow her.
The housekeeper comes in and picks up the bin from next to the hall table.
HOUSEKEEPER: Excuse me, sir. If there's nothing else, I'll be leaving, sir.
NIGEL: All right, there, Mrs. MacGuffin, thank you.
He watches his employee drive by on his way to follow Katherine.
OH JESUS IT IS THE SAME HOUSEKEEPER FROM "CHICAGO HOLIDAY." (Did he hire her away from the hotel? Or does she work evenings there because she's busy in the daytimes here?) So fair enough: The letter doesn't actually matter. Good to know.
Katherine and Nigel are both awful. Maybe they deserve each other. I like that even his employee thinks he's being ridiculous.
Scene 9
Fraser and Vecchio are following Katherine's taxi in city traffic. Fraser is on Vecchio's cell phone.
FRASER: I think she's just up ahead.
VECCHIO: Fraser, why are we following this woman? You delivered the right envelope to the wrong person at the right address. In my book, two out of three is pretty damn good.
FRASER: The consulate line is still busy.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: [after a whistle] . . . Marco drives! Oh, did you see that?
VECCHIO: No! No! No, I didn't see it. Why? Because I'm not at home, that's why. Here, give me that form, I'll sign it. What's his name?
FRASER: N.J. Ellis, but I, I don't think that would be acceptable.
VECCHIO: Nigel J. Ellis?
FRASER: You know him?
VECCHIO: Yeah, Ellis Disposal. The guy's dirtier than the garbage he hauls. Toxic spills, illegal dumping. We tried to nail him, but he's got so many politicians in his pocket he walks with a limp. I can't believe that's the guy you're delivering the invasion plans to.
FRASER: I can't believe it's the same person. Oh, there. There. There she is. [Katherine gets out of the cab. Vecchio pulls up behind it. Fraser hops out.] I promise you I won't be more than a minute.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: What was that? I'm not sure I can even describe it!
VECCHIO: Commentate. You're a commentator!
I am 100% with Vecchio on this. What the fuck, radio commentators who announce that they can't describe what they're looking at.
Scene 10
Katherine is picking her wedding license up from a window in the county building.
KATHERINE: I told you, I have to pick up the license now. The wedding is tomorrow.
COUNTY EMPLOYEE: And I've told you, I can't issue it unless both parties are present.
KATHERINE: Well, if you don't issue it, we can't get married, and since we're getting married tomorrow, you really have very little choice in the matter. I don't know why you can't see that.
COUNTY EMPLOYEE: You see where it says "Bride and Groom must appear in person"?
KATHERINE: If you keep repeating yourself, we're not going to get anywhere.
FRASER: Excuse me, but —
KATHERINE: Oh, God! Don't tell me. You want your letter back.
FRASER: Well, if you would just look in your purse. I think you wrote a phone number on it.
COUNTY EMPLOYEE: This your fiancé?
KATHERINE: Oh, don't be ridiculous. Does he look like my fiancé?
COUNTY EMPLOYEE: Then I'll have to ask you to step aside so I can help these other people.
KATHERINE: Okay, fine.
WOMAN IN LINE: If you don't want him, I'll take him.
HER FIANCÉ: Honey!
WOMAN IN LINE: Well, look at him! [Fraser and Katherine walk away through the county building.]
KATHERINE: You see what you did?
FRASER: Well, I'm sorry, but I fail to understand how my not being your fiancé prevented you from getting your license.
KATHERINE: Oh, that's ridiculous, if you were my fiancé I'd have the license right now, wouldn't I? And they say men are the logical ones. All right, you'll just have to do it. [She turns around to go back to the window.]
FRASER: I'm sorry, do what?
KATHERINE: The office closes in fifteen minutes. Nigel can't get down here in that time. You'll just have to tell him that you're my fiancé.
FRASER: No, I couldn't do that.
KATHERINE: You want your letter back?
FRASER: Well, yes, but I'm not about to lie to a public official.
KATHERINE: All right, then don't say anything. I'll do the talking. [back at the window] Excuse me! [She pushes aside the couple who had been behind her in line.] I found my fiancé.
COUNTY EMPLOYEE: You just told me he wasn't your fiancé.
KATHERINE: I was mistaken. I didn't recognize him.
COUNTY EMPLOYEE: What's your name?
KATHERINE: He can't hear you, he's mute.
FRASER: I believe you mean deaf.
KATHERINE: Oh, yes. Thank you, sweetheart.
COUNTY EMPLOYEE: You're marrying a deaf-mute Mountie, and you didn't recognize him?
FRASER: Perhaps I can explain.
COUNTY EMPLOYEE: If he's deaf-mute, why is he talking?
KATHERINE: Now you're criticizing the handicapped? Well, I think your superior will be very interested to know that you refuse to give marriage certificates to the physically challenged. God knows their lives are difficult enough without insensitive bureaucrats like yourself preventing them from getting married. And if that's not enough —
COUNTY EMPLOYEE: All right, all right, all right, just take the damned thing.
KATHERINE: Oh, thank you. That's very sweet of you. [She takes the license and skitters off.]
FRASER: [turns to go, but can't help himself; turns back] Thank you kindly.
It makes sense that both parties intending to marry need to appear at some point in the application process. Like, you can't just get yourself a license to marry whomever you please; they have to agree to be named on it as well. I'm sure that we submitted copies of both our IDs and then I went to the county courthouse and picked up the document by myself, although the present "How Do I Get A Marriage License" page for my county says that's not an option—the form isn't even online, because both parties have to appear in person. Maybe that's changed since we got married. Anyway, for Cook County, Illinois, it says both parties have to appear not just in person but together, so Katherine is indeed not following the rules. Unless there were some way they could have appeared together to fill in the application and then she was just going to pick up the license at some later time? But that doesn't seem to be how it works; the thing is issued while you wait, so there's no applying and then going back for the final license.
Scene 11
Katherine gets back in her cab and zips away. Fraser hurries down the steps of the county building after her.
FRASER: Ah, excuse me, ma'am, you forgot the — [He runs back to Vecchio's car.] — ah, Ray, I wonder if you'd mind —
VECCHIO: Yes.
The taxi pulls up in front of the shopping center that presumably houses the bridal shop. Katherine gets out and trots up the steps. Vecchio's car pulls up. Fraser gets out.
FRASER: If you want to go home, Ray —
VECCHIO: Nah, nah, I'm having the time of my life!
FRASER: I should be just a minute. [thinks better of this] No, no. I probably won't. You'd better go home. [Vecchio pulls away.] No! Wait! Ray? [Vecchio reverses back toward him.] If you could drop by the consulate and just explain to them I'll be a little late? [Vecchio pulls away again, nearly taking Fraser's hand with him.] Thank you kindly, Ray!
He goes in to the mall.
The tiny bit of awareness Fraser had managed to develop was snuffed out so immediately we barely noticed it.
Scene 12
Katherine is in the mall. She goes into the bridal shop. Nigel's employee, who has been following her, makes a call from a pay phone. He is eating a snack.
EMPLOYEE: Yeah. Nigel, it's me. Yeah, she's alone. She's here, and she's alone. Now, can I get out of here? I'm telling you it's a waste of — yeah, fine. I'll stick around. Yeah.
Fraser runs up looking for the bridal shop. Katherine is in the bridal shop looking at her dress, which is hanging on a form.
KATHERINE: I don't recall saying anything about a hoop.
DRESSMAKER: [looking at his notes] Oh, yes, I remember, it was on the twelfth fitting. You said, "put a hoop in it."
KATHERINE: Oh, don't be ridiculous. Why would I say such a thing?
DRESSMAKER: Well, perhaps because you wanted a hoop. You see, I wrote "hoop" here.
KATHERINE: Well, maybe you wanted a hoop. It's your writing. How could it be what I wanted when I don't want it? That doesn't make any sense, now, does it?
DRESSMAKER: Which is why I didn't put a hoop in it. [showing her the lack of hoop]
KATHERINE: Oh, how clever of you. Should I try it on?
DRESSMAKER: Why not?
Fraser goes bravely into the bridal shop.
WOMAN IN BRIDAL SHOP: [to Fraser] May I help you?
FRASER: Uh, yes. I'm, I'm looking for a woman. [The woman smiles.] A, uh, particular woman. Her name is Miss Burns. Would you happen to know if she's here?
WOMAN IN BRIDAL SHOP: I haven't any idea. I don't work here.
FRASER: Then how could you possibly help me? [The woman raises an eyebrow.]
DRESSMAKER: Are you Miss Burns' fiancé?
FRASER: No.
DRESSMAKER: You must be very pleased. She's in the fitting room.
FRASER: Thank you. [He gives one more confused look to the woman who offered to help him, then heads back to the fitting room and speaks through the curtain.] Uh, Miss Burns, it's Constable Fraser.
KATHERINE: [coming out in a wedding dress and pillbox hat] You know, there's a very thin line between persistence and obsession.
FRASER: Well, I, I'm afraid that you forgot to give me the letter.
KATHERINE: [She sees the man who is following her.] Oh, no! That man works for my fiancé.
FRASER: Uh, which man? [She pulls him into the dressing room by his belt.] Whoa!
KATHERINE: Oh, this is not good. This is not good at all!
A moment later, the employee steps up to the curtain and speaks through it.
EMPLOYEE: Ah, Miss Burns? It's me, Perry.
KATHERINE: Which Perry is that?
EMPLOYEE (PERRY): Perry Perry, ma'am.
KATHERINE: Oh! Perry! What a pleasant surprise! What are you doing here?
PERRY: I'm following you, ma'am.
KATHERINE, to Fraser: Oh, this is great. All he has to do is find you in here.
FRASER: Then I'll just explain to him —
KATHERINE: You met Nigel. You think you'll be able to explain this to him?
PERRY: Who're you talking to, ma'am?
KATHERINE: Oh, you, Perry!
FRASER: There doesn't appear to be any other way out of here.
KATHERINE: Get under my dress.
FRASER: What?
KATHERINE: Get under my dress.
FRASER: You want me to get underneath your wedding dress?
KATHERINE: Yes!
FRASER: Isn't that bad luck?
KATHERINE: Will you hurry up?
FRASER: Oh, no, I'm quite sure in most folklore and legend —
KATHERINE: If Nigel finds you in here, he'll kill us both.
FRASER: Right. [He dives under her skirt and pulls his hat in after him.]
PERRY: I don't want to have to come in there, ma'am, but I promised your fiancé that —
KATHERINE: [stepping out of the fitting room] Oh, hello, Perry. How are you?
PERRY: Fine, Miss Burns. [He goes into the fitting room to look it over.]
KATHERINE: [to the dressmaker] It looks lovely. [She steps toward the door, the back of her skirt moving independently.] I just want to see how it moves. [She tries to go through the door; Fraser bumps into a wall. She goes out the door and walks along the mall corridor.]
FRASER: [whispering] Sorry.
KATHERINE: Shh! [Perry and the dressmaker are watching her go.]
FRASER: [whispering] Miss Burns, you'll have to steer. I have my eyes closed.
KATHERINE: Shh.
Everyone in the building is watching Katherine walk in this wedding dress with a live bustle. Perry picks up the pay phone again.
PERRY: Nigel? I got some bad news.
Fraser is almost literally the horse's ass in this scenario. It's pretty funny, but also impressive that the dress is voluminous enough to hide even his boots.
I like how the dressmaker has notes and then didn't follow them. Almost as if he's met one or more bridezillas in the past.
Of course we must now ask ourselves why Katherine is going to marry a man who would kill her if he found her speaking to another man. Like, I said they're both terrible, but of course she's just exhausting, not controlling and violent. He is much worse.
Scene 13
Fraser and Katherine are in the back of a taxi.
KATHERINE: Is he following us?
FRASER: I can't see anything. Your fiancé — he wouldn't be, uh, Nigel Ellis of Ellis Sanitation, would he?
KATHERINE: You know him?
FRASER: Only by reputation.
KATHERINE: Oh, he's usually a very sweet man. It's just that when he gets jealous, there's no reasoning with him. Well, you know what the Swiss are like.
Fraser does not know what the Swiss are like.
I also do not know what the Swiss are like. "Tiresomely neat," isn't that how Douglas Adams had Arthur Dent describe Switzerland? I do not believe its people have a reputation as hotheads.
Scene 14
Vecchio runs into the consulate during a time-out in the basketball game. Jasmine is answering the phone.
JASMINE: Canadian consulate, consulat du Canada, bonjour, please hold, attendez, s'il vous plait. [She presses a hold button.]
VECCHIO: Excuse me, I —
JASMINE: Canadian consulate, consulat du Canada, good afternoon, bonjour, please hold, attendez, s'il vous plait. [She presses another hold button.]
VECCHIO: Hi, I'd like to — [Jasmine holds up a finger to ask him to wait one moment.]
JASMINE: Canadian consulate, consulat du Canada, good afternoon, bonjour, please hold, attendez, s'il vous plait. [Vecchio gives up and goes back to Fraser's office. Jasmine presses another hold button.] Thank you for holding, merci pour attender. I'm sorry, I don't speak French, je ne parle pas français.
VECCHIO: [in Fraser's office, leaving a note] Okay. Dear . . . Canadians. Constable Fraser will be a little — [He hears Moffat and Jasmine in the hallway.]
MOFFAT: Guests are going to start arriving any minute. Where the hell is he?
JASMINE: I have been trying to reach him, sir —
MOFFAT: How long does it take to do one simple task? [He is pacing in the hallway in black tie, but with no jacket or trousers.]
JASMINE: He said he'd be back soon, sir.
MOFFAT: Well, if he's not here in five minutes, he doesn't have to bother showing up at all. No more excuses. I will not be made to look like a fool. [Au contraire.]
VECCHIO: [to Diefenbaker, who is coming out of Fraser's closet] Trouble.
The tailor arrives at Jasmine's desk.
TAILOR: I have the emperor's clothes.
JASMINE: [knocks on Moffat's office door] He's here, sir.
MOFFAT: Well, it's about time!
He slams the door in their faces. The tailor leaves. Jasmine sits back down at her desk. Vecchio comes out of Fraser's office with Diefenbaker, dressed in Fraser's spare red uniform.
VECCHIO: Shh.
It is unlikely, is it not, that Jasmine would be hired for a reception job at a Canadian consulate without being able to say more in French than she does in this scene (all of which sounds fine to me except "merci pour attender," because the infinitive she's looking for is attendre, "to wait," and in any event I think she should have said "merci d'attendre" or "merci d'avoir attendu"; I could well be wrong about both of these—Google Translate suggests "merci pour l'attente"—but I know I'm right about the infinitive).
So Moffat was hollering about the tailor, but Vecchio thought Fraser's job was in danger, so he's going to go stand on mannequin duty—which he believes is the most ridiculous assignment possible—rather than go home and watch the rest of his basketball game. Aww! That's a good friend, right there.
Scene 15
Fraser and Katherine are still in the taxi.
KATHERINE: I can't believe he had me followed. I mean, what does he think, I'm going to run off and have an affair the day before we get married? I've never given him one reason to suspect me.
FRASER: Well, I'm not sure I was entirely hidden underneath your dress.
KATHERINE: I mean, even if I was a little attracted to you, I haven't acted on it, have I?
FRASER: No, no, no. You've been, uh, but you see, this is something he could possibly misinterpret.
KATHERINE: I mean, not that I am attracted to you.
FRASER: No, I understand.
KATHERINE: Oh, so what am I going to do? I can't go home until he calms down. And we can't just keep driving around.
FRASER: Well, you must have some friends.
KATHERINE: In Connecticut.
FRASER: What about family?
KATHERINE: Ah, Hong Kong, Gstaad, Portofino, and Terminal Island. Tax evasion. It's all a misunderstanding.
FRASER: I, I can see how that could happen.
KATHERINE: No, we're just going to have to go to your place.
FRASER: No. I don't think that would be a very good idea.
KATHERINE: You don't?
FRASER: No! I have a wolf.
KATHERINE: Oh. Shame. [to driver] Could you recommend a hotel?
CAB DRIVER: Yeah, I know just the place.
Katherine and Jasmine are among very few young attractive women we've seen not be interested in Fraser. (Brighton is debatable; Morgan, the villain in "Free Willie," didn't have much use for him; Louise Weber thought of him as a folk hero rather than a piece of meat; and Suzanne Chapin only had eyes for Vecchio (but may actually not even have ever met Fraser—though to be fair she barely met Vecchio either). Conversely, witness Francesca, Elaine, some number of other police department employees, Julie Frobisher, Miss Cabot, Tammy Markles (although she is presented as neither young nor attractive), that one young woman who didn't actually want to buy a car, practically the entire clientele of that club in "Chicago Holiday," Mark Smithbauer's PR representative, and the approximately three-dozen-strong choir of St. Michael's.
Scene 16
The cab pulls up to the Honeymoon Hotel. It is dark outside now.
CAB DRIVER: I really thought it was much closer.
Fraser gets out and goes around to open Katherine's door.
FRASER: Should I wait until you check in?
KATHERINE: No, that's okay. Oh — you almost forgot your letter. [hands it to him]
FRASER: Oh, thank you.
KATHERINE: You're not going to come back and ask me for it again, are you?
FRASER: No, ma'am.
KATHERINE: Oh. I was sort of getting used to it. Goodbye.
FRASER: Goodbye. [She goes to check in at the hotel office. He follows and gathers her skirts up, like a bridesmaid, and hands them to her to drape over her arm.]
KATHERINE: Thank you. [She goes inside. He goes back to the taxi.]
CAB DRIVER: Where to?
FRASER: The Canadian consulate. [They drive off. She checks in. In the back of the taxi, Fraser notices she gave him the wrong letter. He rolls his eyes.] We have to go back. [The taxi does a u-turn.]
You'd think this time, of all times, he'd have looked at the thing before leaving.
Scene 17
The taxi drives back up to the honeymoon hotel.
FRASER: I believe you have a, a Katherine Burns registered here?
HOTEL MANAGER: I figured you'd be along soon. Can't have a honeymoon without the groom.
FRASER: Oh, no, no. I'm not the groom. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted —
HOTEL MANAGER: The Mountie and the damsel in distress. My wife and I used to play that. [A woman comes out from the back office, presumably his wife.]
FRASER: Uh, perhaps if I showed you my ID.
HOTEL MANAGER: Oh no, no, no, no, no need. I booked you into the honeymoon suite. Heart-shaped waterbed, private lava pool, and complimentary champagne and oysters.
FRASER: You see, it says right here, "RCMP".
HOTEL MANAGER: Nice touch.
FRASER: No, you don't understand —
HOTEL MANAGER: No, no — have a good night.
FRASER: [gives up] Thank you. [He takes the key and flees.]
WIFE: Bernie, what does that remind you of?
HOTEL MANAGER (BERNIE): Dubuque?
Ack. Ugh. The layers of Do Not Want here are many. Fraser is being made aware of other people's sex lives without his consent or even interest in the matter; he's also got this guy thinking he's commenting on his sex life, which would be creepy enough if that's what the guy was doing, but it's somehow worse given that the guy is completely off base.
Scene 18
Fraser has reached the room they apparently put Katherine in. He knocks on the door.
FRASER: Miss Burns?
KATHERINE: I don't need any more champagne, thank you. These two are quite enough.
FRASER: No, it, it's me, Constable Fraser. I'm afraid you gave me the wrong letter.
KATHERINE: [opens the door] Oh, I was hoping you'd say that!
FRASER: Uh, no, I, uh, I think you're misreading my general — [She drags him into the room by his tunic and shuts the door.]
Oy vey.
Scene 19
Nigel drives up in a big white car.
NIGEL: Where are they?
PERRY: Honeymoon suite. [Nigel picks up a sawed-off shotgun.] Ah, come on Nigel. Hey, let's go home, huh? She isn't worth it!
NIGEL: Out of my way. [He gets out of the car.]
PERRY: Nigel. You know, listen to me. Come on, I'm serious, man.
Back in the room, Fraser is trying to unzip Katherine's dress.
FRASER: Well, it seems to be stuck on the material. Perhaps I could get one of the maids to —
KATHERINE: You know what I'm thinking, Constable?
FRASER: Oh, there we go. [unzips her]
KATHERINE: It would serve him right if I did have an affair.
FRASER: No, that's just not going to come off. [zips her back up again] Well, good night, now.
KATHERINE: What about your letter?
FRASER: Uh, it's not very important. [He tries the doorknob.]
KATHERINE: Won't you at least have one drink with me?
FRASER: Well, thank you, but I don't drink. [He tries the doorknob again. It does not open.] This door seems to be —
KATHERINE: Locked. [She tosses away a key.]
FRASER: Ah, yes, safety first, well, perhaps I, I'll check the fire routes. [tries to get away]
KATHERINE: You don't even drink champagne?
FRASER: No, I've just never felt the need. You see, I, uh, I think all too often, people drink in order to escape from, uh — [She pulls him down and kisses him.] Well, uh, perhaps just one bottle.
Nigel is listening from outside the room.
KATHERINE: That one's empty. The other one's beside the bed.
In the room, Katherine is pushing Fraser back toward the bed.
FRASER: Well, we, we really should discuss this. You see, in times of emotional stress, people tend to act irrationally.
KATHERINE: You seem to be under a lot of stress yourself.
FRASER: Well, that may be so.
KATHERINE: So you may be acting irrationally.
FRASER: Oh, dear. [She pushes him onto the bed and falls down on top of him.]
KATHERINE: I think you lied about my zipper. [She reaches to unzip her dress.]
Nigel shoots. The shot blows through the door and breaks the window as well. Fraser and Katherine dive off the bed.
FRASER: Thank God!
NIGEL: [loading shells into the shotgun] She loves me; she loves me not.
KATHERINE: Nigel? Is that you?
FRASER: Come on. [He leads her to the window. Nigel shoots; the waterbed bursts into a fountain. Fraser jumps out the window and lands in a dumpster.] Jump!
Katherine is already jumping; she lands on him. Fraser pulls down the prop rod and the dumpster lid falls shut. It is an Ellis Sanitation dumpster. Perry runs by. Nigel is looking out the window.
FRASER: [inside the dumpster] I think we're safe. [A lifter comes and picks up the dumpster.] Though I could be mistaken. [The lifter dumps the entire contents of the dumpster into a garbage truck.] I think the worst of it is over.
NIGEL: [goes up to the driver's side of the truck and drags the driver out] Take a coffee break. [as he watches the guy fall to the ground] Idiot. [He climbs up into the truck and gets ready to drive, muttering.] What do you expect.
Fraser and Katherine sit down among the garbage as the truck drives away.
So Katherine has completely turned a corner on not being interested in Fraser, eh? I mean it's good that she's come to some sort of realization about her relationship with Nigel being unhealthy to say the least. Assault, though! She is sexually assaulting him! Arguably to a greater degree than Tammy Markles did! She's apparently drunk a whole bottle of champagne, but of course that's no excuse.
Scene 20
KATHERINE: My mother wanted me to wear her wedding dress. Of course, always the rebel, I had to go out and have my own made. Now look at it.
FRASER: Well, you know, dry cleaners can do, uh — absolutely nothing with that.
KATHERINE: I can't believe I'm spending the eve of my wedding riding in a garbage truck with a total stranger I just tried to seduce in order to escape being shot by my fiancé. I mean, it doesn't get much worse than that, does it?
FRASER: Unfortunately, it may. We haven't picked up any more garbage.
KATHERINE: Oh, not having garbage dumped on top of us is a bad thing?
FRASER: In our case, yes. It means the truck has finished its rounds, and it should be returning to the city dump, which means it should be going due south.
KATHERINE: Like my life.
FRASER: But we've been traveling consistently northwest. [He closes his compass.] I think someone has commandeered this vehicle.
KATHERINE: Oh.
Nigel is driving the truck through the city.
Okay so Katherine seems to have snapped out of whatever possessed her in the hotel room (to have sobered up, that is). But I still say "seduce" is a very generous term for what she tried to do to Fraser.
Scene 21
Diefenbaker is sitting in front of the consulate listening to the basketball game on a boom box. Vecchio is in Fraser's spare red uniform, being the doorman.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: . . . I've never seen a game like this in my life. I don't think I'll ever live to see another.
VECCHIO: Yeah, me neither. [A car drives up. He opens the back door and a well-dressed man gets out.]
WELL-DRESSED MAN: Do you know what the score is?
VECCHIO: Shut up and get inside. [The man is startled. Vecchio yells at the man's wife, still in the car.] Come on come on, ain't got all night! Let's go! [She gets out of the car. Vecchio closes the door.]
MOFFAT: [looking out an upstairs window and speaking into a dictaphone] Mental note. Send Fraser north for a little R and R. I think he's been spending too much time with that Chicago policeman.
VECCHIO: [to a passerby] What are you looking at? You never seen a Canadian before? [to Diefenbaker, as another car drives up] How the hell does he do this all day? And where the hell is he? Something musta went wrong. He'd never be this late. [Diefenbaker barks. The driver honks the horn a couple of times.] What's the matter, your arms broken? Open the door yourself! [to Diefenbaker] Okay, let's think this through. Fraser with a beautiful woman. Where would he end up? [Diefenbaker barks.] No, no, no, that's you and me. Come on, think. Okay, what is the most unglamorous, unromantic place you could possibly take a woman? [The garbage truck drives by. Diefenbaker turns to watch it go, then takes off following it.] Aw, come on, a garbage truck? Not even Fraser is that — hold on, Benny!
The garbage truck turns a corner. Diefenbaker comes running behind it. The Riviera comes speeding along a moment later. The basketball game is still playing on the radio.
How long is this game? He was already listening to it on the radio in scene 8, which was before they drove downtown to the county building, which took longer than 15 minutes, because in 10 it was 15 minutes until closing and there wasn't time for Nigel to get there. I'll generously assume that office stayed open until 5pm. And/but it was light out at that time, and now it's been dark for quite a while, and people are arriving for an evening event at the consulate. Black tie: after 6! I know it gets dark early in Chicago in the winter, but zoinks, you know? . . . An NBA basketball game is 48 minutes on the clock and usually takes a couple hours to play what with game time-outs, TV time-outs, halftime, etc. So if this thing began at 4:30, it could be wrapping up regulation play at 7pm. Fair enough.
I adore that Vecchio is having a real Fraser-style conversation with Diefenbaker.
Scene 22
Fraser and Katherine are still sitting in the garbage truck. She is wearing his pea coat over her wedding dress.
KATHERINE: Tell me something, Constable. Why is it everywhere I go, disaster follows?
FRASER: Maybe it's the company you keep.
KATHERINE: I sure know how to pick 'em, don't I?
FRASER: Well, I don't really know Nigel, so it wouldn't be fair for me —
KATHERINE: What is wrong with you? A man is trying to kill you. You're supposed to hate him! A woman throws herself at you, you're supposed to — you're supposed to do something.
FRASER: Miss Burns, you are engaged to be married. [He is distracted by something on his tunic.]
KATHERINE: Were you always so good and honorable and perfect and what the hell are you doing?
FRASER: It's just a loose thread. You wouldn't happen to have a pair of scissors — no, of course not.
KATHERINE: Oh, just yank it off.
FRASER: Well, the button might fall off.
KATHERINE: It's a button! Take a risk!
FRASER: All right! [He pulls the loose thread. The button falls off.] Huh. [He looks at her like "See?"]
KATHERINE: Oh. Don't you ever do anything reckless or stupid or wild?
FRASER: No. Well, there — no.
KATHERINE: I guess that's what first attracted me to Nigel. He was just . . . so dangerous.
FRASER: I can see how you'd find that exciting.
KATHERINE: On our first date, it was January, and we drove to Atlantic City with the top down. He took me to this high stakes crap game in the back of the bar, and we drank much too much champagne and ended up jumping off the pier with all of our clothes on. It, it was just . . . it was romantic.
FRASER: I thought I was in love once. And then later I thought maybe it was just an inner ear imbalance. We spent an evening snowed in on the side of a mountain watching the northern lights. It was probably the most dramatic moment of my life. But in the end, I realized I'd learned two things. The first is that it's easier to think you're in love than it is to accept that you're alone. And the second is that it's very easy to confuse love with subatomic particles bursting in the air. Well, I also learned I should have my ears checked more regularly.
KATHERINE: It's funny, the things that attract you to somebody. [She leans in to kiss him, but the truck stops and more garbage falls on their heads. She speaks from under the garbage bags.] God, I hate my life.
Nigel empties the truck into the heap at the dump. He hops out of the truck with his shotgun and watches Fraser and Katherine surface.
FRASER: Good evening.
NIGEL: You got a lot of nerve, for a Canadian.
FRASER: Ah, yes, and it's, it's, it's quite reasonable that you'd be angry, given your understandable confusion, but —
KATHERINE: I love him!
FRASER: No, she doesn't. [Perry joins Nigel.]
KATHERINE: Yes, I do.
FRASER: No, she doesn't. She's just angry and attempting to make you jealous. Which at this particular moment would seem to be a rather poor choice.
NIGEL: You know what? It worked. [He aims the shotgun. Fraser and Katherine hurry to try to get out of his range. Diefenbaker leaps at him and knocks the gun out of his hand.] Whoa! Hey!
Vecchio has arrived in the Riviera. Diefenbaker leaps into the heap to get to Fraser. Nigel recovers his gun and shoots at Diefenbaker, but the dog is too fast. He shoots out the window of the Riviera. Vecchio stops the car and comes out shooting. He is still wearing Fraser's other uniform. Nigel and Perry take cover behind the truck. Vecchio jumps into the heap with Fraser and Katherine and Diefenbaker.
FRASER: Detective Vecchio, Miss Burns. Miss Burns, Diefenbaker.
KATHERINE: Hello.
VECCHIO: Congratulations. I hear you're getting married. [He pops up to shoot at Nigel again. Nigel returns fire.]
NIGEL: [reloading] Why do I never learn, Perry? Shoot first, talk later. Shoot first, talk later.
VECCHIO: [shoots a bit more] So you don't want to know why I'm wearing your uniform?
FRASER: I just assumed it was something personal. [Nigel shoots some more.]
PERRY: Come on, Nigel. There's three of them now. What are you going to do, kill them all just because some woman was running around on you?
NIGEL: Yeah. Watch and learn. [shoots some more]
FRASER: [calling out] Mr. Ellis! I want to assure you Katherine has been completely faithful to you.
KATHERINE: [to Fraser] Except for the part on the waterbed.
VECCHIO: Waterbed?
FRASER: It was entirely innocent.
VECCHIO: Yeah, big shock there.
FRASER: [calling out] Unfortunately, if you don't believe this, there's nothing I can say to convince you of it.
VECCHIO: What? No Mountie stories? No Inuit tales?
FRASER: [calling out] You can never know what's in another person's heart. You can only know what's in your own. So look inside your heart, Mr. Ellis. Do you love Katherine?
NIGEL: Well, why do you think I want to kill her?
FRASER: Ah. [Nigel shoots some more.]
VECCHIO: That's it?
FRASER: Well, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to prove a virtue, Ray.
NIGEL: [to Perry] I'm out of shells. Give me your gun.
PERRY: No.
NIGEL: I said, give me your gun.
PERRY: No.
FRASER: He's not going to listen to reason. How many bullets do you have left, Ray?
VECCHIO: One. [He shoots into the air.] I'm not shooting my car. I blew up the last one for you, and I'm not doing it again.
FRASER: Well, actually, that's not what I had in mind.
VECCHIO: Good, 'cause I wasn't going to do it anyway.
FRASER: Well, I know that, Ray. What I had in mind is you and I creating some kind of diversion while Katherine made a run for that chute over there and slid down to safety. But unfortunately you're out of bullets.
VECCHIO: I lied.
FRASER: Oh, well, in that case, do you think you can get a clean shot of the rear bumper?
VECCHIO: No!
Nigel and Perry are tussling for Perry's gun.
NIGEL: I said give me the gun!
PERRY: No!
NIGEL: Now, what if they look up here, and they see us like this? What are they going to think?
In the garbage heap, Vecchio is strategizing.
VECCHIO: Here's what we're going to do. On the count of three, I'm gonna come up shooting. You throw a head of lettuce or whatever it is you do, and the lady runs for the log ride. You ready? One. Two.
KATHERINE: Oh, this is ridiculous. [She stands up.]
VECCHIO: Three. [Diefenbaker runs for the chute and slides down to safety.]
KATHERINE: You want to shoot me, Nigel? Go ahead. [Fraser pulls her back down into the garbage. Nigel wrests the gun from Perry. Katherine stands up again.] How can you say you love me and then threaten to kill me? I mean, what the hell does love mean to you? Just a bunch of particles bursting all over the place and when you try and touch it there's nothing there? That's not love, Nigel. That's a light show!
FRASER: Um, perhaps I could, ah, explain what she's alluding to.
NIGEL: Well, what do you expect? All right? Look at you. You're running around with this guy. You're in — you're in the wedding dress. I catch you in a motel together. Come on.
KATHERINE: I wasn't the one who didn't trust you. Had you followed. Do you know what that feels like, to love someone who doesn't even trust you?
NIGEL: You make me nuts. I'm sorry, but you know that. You do that to me. You make me crazy.
KATHERINE: No, you do that to yourself.
NIGEL: So you really didn't do anything with this guy in the red jacket there?
KATHERINE: I'm not going to tell you, Nigel.
VECCHIO: Tell him!
KATHERINE: You either believe me or you don't. There's no way to prove a virtue.
FRASER: Perhaps you could try.
NIGEL: Okay, I believe you. Okay? I'm sorry. Okay? Did you ever hear me say that before, Perry?
PERRY: No.
NIGEL: No. No, never before. I. Am. Sorry. Okay? Come on, baby, let's just go home. We gotta get married.
KATHERINE: Oh, thank you, Nigel. You don't know what that means to me. Unfortunately, I've realized that I don't love you, so, no.
NIGEL: What? [Fraser licks his thumb.] What did you say? I stand up here, I pour my heart out to you, I apologize to you, I even offer to take you back, and you just throw it in my face? Is that right, Katherine? Well, guess what? To hell with you.
He aims his gun. Fraser pushes Katherine out of the way and throws his hat like a frisbee. It hits Nigel in the forehead, knocking him down and making him miss his shot. Nigel falls into the garbage heap. Vecchio pops up with his gun drawn. Perry raises his hands above his head.
PERRY: Hey, uh, I'm just along for the ride.
Our heroes start to climb out of the garbage.
VECCHIO: I can't believe you threw your hat.
FRASER: Well, it's got an incredibly stiff brim. It's actually specifically designed to —
VECCHIO: Yeah, we're in the middle of a crisis and you throw your hat.
FRASER: I'm sorry, Ray.
KATHERINE: Hey! Look what I found. [The important invitation, of course, has turned up in the garbage.]
FRASER: Remarkable. [He gets his pen out of the pocket of the coat Katherine is still wearing and offers Nigel the invitation and the receipt.] Would you sign for this, please?
There's a lot going on here. I like the Fraser-and-Katherine stuff leading up to the loose thread, and her insisting that a button coming off his jacket is not the end of the world. She's right that he could take a risk once in a while. Of course her backstory seems to involve a little more of that than has been good for her. Fraser fills in a little more of the story of the woman he tracked up to Fortitude Pass, don't you think? I feel like "There was a woman once, Ray" and "I thought I was in love once" must refer to the same person. They wouldn't have been able to see the auroras while it was snowing for a day and a night and a day, though, so could the night they spent on the side of a mountain watching the northern lights have been a different night?
Anyway, I was happier when Katherine had snapped out of it than I was when she snapped back in and decided she was in love with Fraser. YAWN. At least she's not forcing herself on him at this point. And I'm glad she's decided not to marry Nigel.
I like Fraser's assumption that Vecchio is wearing his (Fraser's) uniform for personal reasons. And I like Perry not giving Nigel his gun. What's that about? Perry hasn't been into the tracking-Katherine assignment from the beginning. Do we think that's just because he thinks it's a shitty way to treat your girlfriend, or is there more there? (Is Perry carrying a torch for Nigel? Perry, you can do better! The guy's an asshole!)
Scene 23
Diefenbaker is sitting outside the consulate. People are leaving the reception. Fraser opens their car door for them.
FRASER: Good night, ma'am. Good night, sir. [to Diefenbaker] And don't try to tell me you were attempting to circle around behind them, because you never showed up. [Diefenbaker looks away.] I thought you'd have nothing to say about that. [A taxi pulls up. He opens the door, and Katherine gets out, wearing a low-cut black dress and a very dramatic waterfall necklace.]
KATHERINE: Am I too late?
FRASER: No. No, uh, I think the band is still playing.
KATHERINE: [holds up the stained invitation] Well, Nigel couldn't use it. I was hoping maybe I could steal you away for a dance.
FRASER: I'd love to, but, ah —
KATHERINE: Duty calls?
FRASER: Such as it is.
KATHERINE: Well. Maybe another time, then. [She goes in to the party. Vecchio comes out. He is in a suit with a band-collar shirt and no tie.]
VECCHIO: That was quite the buffet. You know what I love most about Canadians? They're real easy to elbow out of the way. [Fraser fusses with his pocket.] What are you doing?
FRASER: Just a loose thread. You wouldn't happen to have a — [It's like you can see the light bulb over his head. He pulls the loose thread, and the button stays in place.] Ray, could I impose upon you to —
VECCHIO: Yeah, go ahead. [slaps his shoulder] I'm kinda getting the hang of it anyway.
FRASER: Thanks. [He goes inside and goes down to the party. He stands by the band for a moment, then sets his hat on a passing waiter's tray and straightens his lanyard before going over to where Katherine is looking out a window. He taps her shoulder; she turns around; he offers her his hand.] May I? [They dance over to the door and then out into the courtyard, waltzing around for a bit and finishing with a dramatic dip.]
So now Fraser is interested in Katherine, apparently. At least interested enough to leave his post and come inside and dance with her, even if he doesn't intend seeing her ever again after this evening. That happened fairly suddenly, didn't it? Obviously the loose-thread thing impelled him to take the chance. He doesn't have a lot to lose, so why not roll the dice just once more. As for her specifically, the fact that she's no longer engaged to be married to someone else is certainly a start, but he wasn't interested even before he knew she wasn't available. Maybe the fact that he saw her go on a whole emotional journey combined with her urging him to take a risk once in a while to make him intrigued by the late-episode non-chattering-a-mile-a-minute Katherine. Anyway, if he is interested in pursuing something with her, I don't see why he shouldn't, particularly given that she's got her shit reasonably together in the past couple of hours. I'm more a fan of his pulling the thread at all, of course, and proud of him for unclenching just a little bit.
The music is Tchaikovsky's "Sleeping Beauty" waltz.
Scene 24
You thought that was the end, but now Vecchio is doing the doorman duties.
VECCHIO: You folks have a good time tonight?
GENTLEMAN: Yes, thank you.
VECCHIO: That's great. That's nice. Excuse me — wait a second, ma'am, do you have dinner rolls in that purse? Dump it on the hood. Yes, sir, you, up against the car. Come on, empty your pockets, let's go.
Cumulative body count: 10
Red uniform: The whole episode, with bonus Vecchio in the red uniform as well