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return to Due South: season 2 episode 14 "All the Queen's Horses"
All the Queen's Horses
air date April 11, 1996
Scene 1
Snowy plains. Caption: Southern Manitoba, Canada. A Mountie in red uniform leads a horse into a rail car. A couple of other red-uniformed Mounties are chatting in the background. A television editing setup is outside the train playing a clip of Mounties actually riding horses.
NARRATOR: The Musical Ride was formed by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police as a showcase of their prodigious skill and —
TV GUY: Amazing. [He is watching the little TV, standing next to Inspector Thatcher and a few other people, presumably his crew, one of whom is wearing headphones.] I want some of that. Can you shoot me something like that?
NARRATOR: The thirty-two riders and their horses —
TV GUY: Let's go for it!
NARRATOR: — the scarlet tunics, the battle lance, and the precision drills, which culminate in the dome formation —
TV GUY: Ha-ha! Woohoo!
NARRATOR: — have inspired wonder since its inception in eighteen-seventy-three.
TV GUY: Chicago's going to love these guys! That is to be bold, beautiful! Okay, sweetheart, grab me some shots now. [looks through a lens] Boom, boom, boom, I want faces, lots of faces.
THATCHER: [following him] You don't think we need, say, an on-the-spot interview?
TV GUY: are you kidding? You mean one of those seventies let's-talk-about-something-we-already-know interviews? I don't think so. What America wants is inspiration, not chit-chat. America wants heroes. [to his camera crew] Shoot her, shoot her!
THATCHER: [framed in the shot] What about that fella with the big ears?
TV GUY: Ross Perot?
THATCHER: No, I was talking Mickey Mouse.
TV GUY: Does Mickey have a red tunic? Does he have a battle lance? I think not. Let's go now, Hunks on Horseback, let's do it.
The TV guy leads his posse away. Mounties keep loading horses into the rail cars. An old man is talking to a subordinate.
OLD MAN: We have track clearance, so as soon as they're loaded, let me know.
Bob Fraser is standing next to Ben Fraser.
BOB FRASER: Nothing quite like it, is there, son?
FRASER: Oh, hi, Dad. I didn't know you were coming.
BOB FRASER: I wouldn't have missed this for the world. Stirs the blood.
FRASER: You don't have blood. You're dead.
BOB FRASER: I've got the memory of blood. Something beating in there. [points] Oh, would you look? My old stablemate. [Buck Frobisher is riding in.]
FRASER: Looks good, doesn't he?
BOB FRASER: Anh. It's just the uniform.
FRASER: Why don't you go say hello?
BOB FRASER: Nah, I wouldn't want to impose.
FRASER: Well, you're dead. It's not really an imposition.
BOB FRASER: I don't know if I'd be able to.
FRASER: You could give it a try.
BOB FRASER: Well, then, well, maybe I will.
FRASER: Good luck.
Fraser steps away from Bob. Another Mountie is leading another horse up the ramp into a rail car.
TV GUY: Yeah, right up the nostril.
CAMERA GIRL: Got it, that's good.
TV GUY: Up the nose, yes, that's so original!
THATCHER: Step lively, Constable.
Fraser reaches Frobisher.
FROBISHER: Ah, Ben. Did they, ah, issue you one of these yet? [He brandishes a walking stick.]
FRASER: Ah, not yet, sir, no.
FROBISHER: Well, you're young. In a few years, that steel blade that you took in the leg, it'll start acting up, just like it did with me. [He has dropped his walking stick; when he bends over to pick it up, he farts extremely loudly.]
BOB FRASER: Try spending a week on a stakeout with him in Dead Horse Gulch.
FRASER: Do you mind?
FROBISHER: What's that?
FRASER: Nothing, sir.
FROBISHER: [station bell rings] Well. Shall we?
FRASER: Yeah. [They head for the train.]
FROBISHER: The, ah, boys introduced me to a real eye-opener the other night. Moose hock rolled in wild boar tongue covered with Gorgonzola cheese.
FRASER: I'd like to try that some time.
FROBISHER: Well, don't be too hasty. It seems to follow you around for a while.
TRAIN GUY: All aboard!
They are on a CP Rail train, which starts to pull out. In the signal building, the old man who was talking about track clearance and his subordinate are tied up and have duct tape covering their mouths.
Apparently as was the case with Northern Ontario, Southern Manitoba is not congruent with what I would think of as southern Manitoba.
Meanwhile, I highly recommend not googling "Dead Horse Gulch;" it seems to have got its name from the Klondike gold rushers' negligent and abusive treatment of their animals, about 3,000 of which died at or around White Pass.Here is a map of the Canadian Pacific rail system; I am not going to try to mark those routes in on my general-purposes map of Canada. 😏 (Click the image to view the full size one at Wikimedia Commons, if you like.)
Of course the proper RCMP has a good deal of promotional stuff on the internet about the Musical Ride.
Credits roll.
Paul Gross
David Marciano
Beau Starr
Tony Craig
Catherine Bruhier
(plus Lincoln the dog)
Camilla Scott, Guest Starring Leslie Nielsen, Kenneth Welsh, Dean McDermott, Alex Carter, Paul Soles, and Gordon Pinsent as Fraser Sr.
It looks like the billing negotiations for this episode must have been a party. Pinsent has to keep his and/as credit, sure, but how are you going to bill Camilla Scott ahead of Leslie Nielsen? So okay, shove the "guest starring" on his credit, but doesn't that also imply that all those other clowns behind him are guest stars also, which they are not; they're behind both him and her. I'd have expected to see his name first, then hers, then all these other dudes, then Pinsent and/as, OR her, all these others, then with Leslie Nielsen and Gordon Pinsent as Fraser Sr. But I don't know if "with" is less of a credit than "guest starring." I know billing is a whole Thing. Just, damn.
Scene 2
The train is trundling along. Caption: Somewhere in Illinois, U.S.A. Fraser is in a communications center of some kind, under a big RCMP seal reading "Maintiens le droit," speaking to Vecchio on a portable radio? speakerphone?
VECCHIO: Why are you calling me, Benny?
FRASER: You told me to, Ray.
VECCHIO: No, I didn't.
FRASER: Yes, you did. In fact, your exact words were, "Let me know how it goes."
VECCHIO: You see, this is another thing that's wrong with you, Benny. [Diefenbaker, who is with him, whimpers.] When someone tells you to let them know how it goes, they don't mean you should call them and let them know how it goes as it's going. What they mean is that you should let them know how it goes after it's all said and done. Do you understand?
FRASER: Uh, not entirely, no. How's Diefenbaker?
VECCHIO: He's fine, Benny. Gotta go. [He hangs up the phone, puts a whole bowl of cheese puffs down in front of Diefenbaker, and turns back to his buddies at—we now see—the poker table.] Okay, gentlemen, here we go. We have a two-three, possible straight, two, three, seven, no help there.
So Diefenbaker is back with Vecchio rather than on the Musical Ride train journey with Fraser. Who, I wonder, is babysitting whom?
Scene 3
Thatcher is walking up the center aisle of the train briefing some attentive Mounties.
THATCHER: We will avoid specifics. We will speak only when we are spoken to. We will keep our responses short and to the point. We will maintain our postures, and above all, we will act naturally. [The Mounties, except for Frobisher, are all sitting straight-backed and wide-eyed. Thatcher turns to Fraser.] Why are they staring at me?
FRASER: I suspect they're terrified, ma'am.
THATCHER: The whole point of this exercise is to bring a new dynamism to our image. Look at them. They're stiffs. Make them do something. Anything. They can break into song, for all I care. They just can't sit there.
FRASER: Into song, sir? [The TV guy does a shrug-nod.]
THATCHER: Yes. Make them sing.
FRASER: Understood. Excuse me, may I, uh — [A fresh-faced Mountie in the second row hands him a guitar.] Thank you kindly. [He clears his throat and turns to Thatcher.] You're sure about this?
THATCHER: Yes.
FRASER: Very well. [He starts to play the guitar, and then he starts to sing.] ♫ Well, I was born up north of Great Slave, eighteen-ninety-eight — ♫ [The TV guy's boom mic swings in front of his face; he follows it with his eyes, suspiciously.] ♫ — and I rode near all my life on a ranch near Devil's Gate. And I've seen this world about me bend and flip and change — hey, it feels like rain; that's a thundercloud. Well, I've been called a coward, but I've seen two world wars, and I lost my son Virgil, my Korean reward. And my Lucy died last summer — you ask me if I cry? Hell, I'll show you tears; they're all over this ground — ♫ [He sees the TV guy and his crew nodding to one another and moving off in different directions down the train.] ♫ — they're falling from these blue Alberta skies. ♫
ALL THE MOUNTIES: [in harmony] ♫ We're going to ride forever; you can't keep horsemen in a cage. ♫ [Thatcher is making "sing out" gestures. Frobisher is singing the bass line, slightly out of time with the others.] ♫ Should the angels call, well, it's only then we might pull in the reins. ♫
Fraser gestures to Thatcher to follow him. They step down the aisle to follow the camera operator; Fraser gives the guitar back to the fresh-faced Mountie in the second row, who takes the lead vocal in the second verse.
FRESH-FACED MOUNTIE: ♫ Now, they tell me I'm an old man; they tell me I am blind. They took my driver's license; this house ain't far behind. I said, "Jump back, all you big suits. Well, you got something wrong, 'cause I ain't gone, no, I ain't gone" — ♫
Fraser and Thatcher have reached the end of the aisle and step out to the platform between cars.
THATCHER: Fraser, I was in the middle of a very important —
FRASER: I apologize for interrupting, sir, but I believe something is amiss.
THATCHER: Well, I suppose that there's always room for improvement, but on the whole I think we've got some promising voices.
FRASER: No, it's not with the singers, sir, it's with the film crew.
THATCHER: The film crew?
FRASER: If that is indeed what they are.
The film crew are moving through another part of the train. The Mounties are still singing.
FRESH-FACED MOUNTIE: ♫ — I've got it all, and I'm standing tall — ♫
TV GUY: Okay, let's do it.
FRESH-FACED MOUNTIE: ♫ — underneath these blue Alberta skies. ♫
The camera girl giggles. The sound guy opens the valve on a canister of something; in the car with the Mounties, whatever it is starts coming through the vents.
ALL THE MOUNTIES: [in harmony] ♫ We're going to ride forever; you can't keep horsemen in a cage. Should the angels call — ♫ [They all fall unconscious.]
FROBISHER: [except him] ♫ — well, it's only then we might pull in the reins. So I say to all you old men, don't let yourself get broke. When you think the world's gone crazy and it's scratching at your throat, time to dust off that old saddle. Get it on a horse, kick up your spurs — we're going to run like stink. We're going to tear across these blue Alberta skies. I'm going to ride forever; da da-da da-da-da — ♫ [He finally notices he's the only one singing.] Uh, men. Men, I didn't realize. Huh. I'm sorry. [He gets up to go to the restroom, breaking wind as he stands; he flinches.]
THATCHER: [still safe in the vestibule with Fraser] Well, what do you suppose we do?
FRASER: I'd like a moment to think about that. [He thinks about it for a moment, then dives out the window.]
THATCHER: [looks out the window, doesn't see him] Well, that's very helpful.
Paul Gross has a shared story credit and a solo teleplay credit on this episode. It is officially, at this point, Very Silly Indeed. He also wrote this song, and as pretty as he is to look at and as pleasant as his voice can be, it is . . . not really much of a song, is it? The tune is fine, and the refrain is okay, but the verse lyrics maybe needed another round or two of workshopping. (For a start, horsemen don't tear across the skies, do they? I've always liked "run like stink," though.) All in all, I admit country isn't my jam, but frankly, even if it were, I've heard better. Side note: The fresh-faced Mountie on the second verse is doing lip-sync to a recording of Paul Gross. Has he tried to make his voice sound a little different so we'll believe someone else is singing? I can't tell. Anyway, here are the places mentioned in the song.
I do count 16 Mounties on one side of the aisle (including Frobisher) and 15 on the other side (with an empty seat presumably for Fraser), so that's the 32 required by the Musical Ride, well done, extras casting. Anyway, at some point Fraser has become suspicious of the film crew. Was it just because they hung a boom in front of him when he was singing? I'm not sure why that would be suspicious, unless it was too close to him, which I guess it may have been?
Thatcher's line should either have been "What do you propose we do" or "What do you suggest we do," and she seems to have conflated them, and probably reshooting on the train would have been wicked expensive? But her face was turned away from the camera and I feel like they could have fixed it in ADR. But they didn't. Boo.
Scene 4
The film crew run up the aisle between the rows of unconscious Mounties and past the restroom. In the restroom, Frobisher is down to his shirtsleeves and pulling down his suspenders. Outside, Fraser is clinging to the underside of the train. Inside, Frobisher sits down on the can.
FRASER: Sergeant Frobisher! [Frobisher stands up, startled, and looks around for the source of the voice.] Before you continue, may I have a word with you?
FROBISHER: Friend or foe?
FRASER: A friend, I assure you.
FROBISHER: Where are you?
FRASER: I'm right here, sir.
FROBISHER: [calls down the drain of the basin] In the sink?
FRASER: Ah, no, sir. To the rear.
FROBISHER: [sees Fraser through the commode] Great Scott, Benton!
FRASER: I'm relieved to see you're all right, sir.
FROBISHER: That's a matter of opinion. What are you doing in my toilet?
FRASER: Well, I've come to debrief you, sir.
FROBISHER: Is something wrong with the door?
FRASER: We have a problem, sir. I believe that the men have all been gassed.
FROBISHER: Oh my God.
FRASER: Yes. And furthermore, it's my belief that this train is no longer under our control.
FROBISHER: Worse than I thought.
FRASER: Yes, sir, and I thought it prudent to inform you.
FROBISHER: Inform me? I've been living with it for a week.
FRASER: Sir, I'm sorry, but I can't see how this relates to the terrorists.
FROBISHER: Neither can I.
FRASER: It is my belief, ah, that this train has been taken over by terrorists and that they have gassed the men into a stupor.
FROBISHER: Well, that's a relief.
FRASER: That's a relief?
FROBISHER: How many terrorists?
FRASER: Undetermined, sir.
FROBISHER: Strategy?
FRASER: Unformed. I thought I should first assess your status and then report back to our superior officer. In the meantime, I suggest you just, ah, continue with your current, ah, project. [He reaches up through the commode to shake Frobisher's hand.]
FROBISHER: [shakes his hand] Oh, uh, yeah, good luck, ah, son. [can't pull his arm back] Ah, Benton, my arm is stuck. [Fraser is climbing back along the bottom of the train the way he came.] I'm stuck! My arm is stuck in the hole! Give me some help, Constable, that's an order!
BOB FRASER: God, you sound like an old man.
FROBISHER: I sound like a, a what?!
BOB FRASER: An old man.
FROBISHER: [struggling to get free] You say that I sound like an old man — [gets free, finally] — I tell you that — [sees Bob, does a double take]
BOB FRASER: How are you, Buck?
Oh, Fraser. (Oh, Paul Gross.) We stick with you for two years, through your father's funeral and realizing it was his best friend who killed him and almost having to shoot your dog and getting the shit kicked out of you by mob goons and VICTORIA and burying a buddy who was killed by a bomb meant for your best friend and now you're giving us poop and fart and underwear jokes.
Why didn't Frobisher get knocked out by the gas?
Scene 5
Fraser climbs back in through the window.
FRASER: Just as I suspected, sir — [He is brought up short by Thatcher, who is in the red uniform but whose tunic is unbuttoned down to her waist, revealing her black camisole rather than the presumably regulation white henley.] You've changed.
TV GUY: [leaning down from overhead] And she's looking real good, dontcha think? Ha ha ha! [The camera girl appears behind Fraser and cocks a pistol.] I just love a woman in a uniform, and these particular uniforms are so darned arresting, I just thought to myself, hey, why not? Whoo! Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
So we already knew the TV crew were bad guys, but now Fraser's suspicion is confirmed. And also, Thatcher is being sexually harassed again, which is sure to trigger Fraser's Big Handsome Hero compulsions once he can get out from being at gunpoint himself.
Scene 6
In the head, Frobisher is still astonished to be talking to Bob.
BOB FRASER: Now, what is there about this situation that you can't believe? That I'm dead?
FROBISHER: No. Absolutely not. I believe you're dead. But there is, ah, one thing bothers me. I mean, you seem to be who you, uh, seem to be, but by the same token, then you, uh, do not seem to be who you do not seem to be, and that's a different story. There you are.
BOB FRASER: You want proof?
FROBISHER: What?
BOB FRASER: You want proof?
FROBISHER: Absolutely.
BOB FRASER: All right. Let's hear it.
FROBISHER: Very well. On April twenty-third, nineteen-fifty-seven, sixty miles north of Destruction Bay, two young men stood on a rope bridge which spanned a canyon, and on the other side of that bridge a young woman was being held in the clutches of a deviant. They had two cartridges between them and one rifle. They knew it was an impossible shot, but each one knew that whoever made that shot would secure the love of that woman. The first man tried. He failed. And the second one tried and, uh, he won the whole shooting match.
BOB FRASER: And we were very happy, Caroline and I.
FROBISHER: Yeah, I know that, I know that, I know that! But the question is, these two men, through their long years of friendship, often talked about that impossible shot, and when they did, what did they call it?
BOB FRASER: Oh, the shot, you mean?
FROBISHER: Yes, the shot.
BOB FRASER: Ah. Well, uh, the shot they called, uh . . .
FROBISHER: All right, time is up.
BOB FRASER: No, come on!
FROBISHER: Bob Fraser would have given me the answer in one second.
BOB FRASER: Well, I'm dead. It affects your memory.
FROBISHER: Out! Out! Now!
BOB FRASER: Buck — all right! It was called the Great Yukon Double Douglas Fir Telescoping Bank Shot. [smiles]
FROBISHER: [delighted] My God! Bob Fraser! [tries to hug him, bangs his head on the mirror, turns around to talk to Bob, who is now behind him] Does that always happen?
BOB FRASER: Ah, it's not important. The important thing is you're in quite a pickle, my friend. You've got a train to stop.
FROBISHER: Ah, right you are.
BOB FRASER: How do you stop a train?
FROBISHER: You put on the brakes.
I have such mixed feelings about this scene. Last part first: Buck Frobisher's beaming smile at seeing his dead friend again is just marvelous. I love it. And of course he'd go in for a hug (and of course he'd hit his head on the mirror). Perfect. No notes.
On the other hand, what's this about Caroline Fraser (née Pinsent) falling in love with whichever of the two of them "made the shot" to save her from the deviant? First of all, what? Secondly, why did they only have two cartridges and one rifle? Thirdly, after Buck missed the first shot, why did Bob have the same opportunity? Wouldn't the deviant have been alerted to their presence and made the second shot even more difficult? . . . I'm sort of okay with the successful shooter getting the girl because it feels like they're presenting it as her having a hard time deciding which of them to choose (because she felt she had to choose exactly one of them, for some reason?) rather than the two of them slugging it out over a woman's affection without asking her for her input on the subject one way or the other.
Destruction Bay is a real place with a population of just a few dozen people. Let's contemplate how remote 60 miles north of there would have been in the late 1950s when Bob and Buck and Caroline and this deviant were doing a scene out of a Rocky and Bullwinkle episode. 😀
Mainly, of course, I'm all in a tizz because if Bob is Fraser's subconscious, what's he doing appearing to Buck Frobisher? He did already appear to Gerrard, so okay, we've had the experience before of his being Other People's Subconscious as well. I guess I'm going to have to go with that, because oof.
Scene 7
Vecchio is at the poker table with four other dudes. His phone rings.
POKER GUYS: King, queen, pair of threes.
VECCHIO: Look, I am holding the bullet in low Chicago in a twelve-hundred dollar pot that keeps on growing. This better be good.
FRASER: This is Constable Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and I am reading a prepared text.
VECCHIO: [to the poker players] Am I some kind of god? Am I some kind of bad luck god?
FRASER: Charter train two-Dakota-twenty-six-zero-two-three traveling on the Palliser Line —
VECCHIO: All right, hold on.
FRASER: — is now hostage. Any attempt to board the train will result in the death of those on board.
VECCHIO: Okay, you ready? Shoot. [He puts his phone down on the tape recorder and goes back to the poker game.]
TV GUY: Our demands are as follows. [He is in the communications car with two of his crew members and Fraser and Thatcher.] Ten million dollars to be delivered by Detective First Grade Raymond Vecchio of the Chicago Police Department —
POKER GUYS: I'm out. I'm in. You're busting me. Yeah, I'll see it.
TV GUY: — unaccompanied, to station siding number thirty-three on the Palliser Line by four p.m. Central Standard Time. Be ever-vigilant, America, for the enemy is already among us!
VECCHIO: I'm in. I'll see that three hundred, raise you a hundred.
Vecchio is gambling, which is illegal in Illinois, for nontrivial amounts of money, and he's holding the bullet, which I'm pretty sure means he has a pair of aces and shouldn't have said so where the other guys at the table could hear him? I don't love his asking if he's some kind of bad luck god as if Fraser and everybody's being taken hostage was something that was happening to him.
I can't find any evidence that there is a Palliser Line on the CP railroads at all, or that if there is it goes through Illinois, but why not. The Palliser Triangle is an arid chunk of the Canadian prairie, named after John Palliser, who surveyed the Canada/U.S. boundary between Lake Superior and the Pacific. (The chinstrap beard shown in the two photographs of John Palliser at that Wikipedia entry was definitely a mid-Victorian style, wasn't it? Zoinks.) I don't know where they're getting the number of the train; the engine that pulls them out right before the credits is 3072, but that's apparently not relevant.
Scene 8
Frobisher and Bob are on a walkway along the outside of the train. They reach the engine compartment.
FROBISHER: Aha! [He grabs the conductor and chucks him out the window.]
CONDUCTOR: Aaaah!
BOB FRASER: [nodding as Frobisher closes the window] Mm. Mm.
FROBISHER: What are you humming about?
BOB FRASER: Ah, nothing, nothing.
FROBISHER: When you hum, it always means something.
BOB FRASER: Well, do you know how to operate a train?
FROBISHER: I was counting on you.
BOB FRASER: I haven't the foggiest.
FROBISHER: Oh. Well. Can't be that hard. [looks around] Must be someplace where they put the coal.
Oh, Buck. They don't use steam engines anymore, dear. This one almost certainly runs on diesel. And in any event that's not what you need to, you know, steer and stop the thing.
Scene 9
Welsh is in his office eating a sandwich. Vecchio and Diefenbaker rush in.
VECCHIO: Sir, we have a situation.
Welsh looks up at him with his mouth full.
Scene 10
The squad room is abuzz dealing with the situation.
FORD: What have you got for me?
DIETER: Nothing yet. We're running Vecchio's tape for a voice match, but that could take a while.
FORD: Get Harris at State. I want him online. And get me the divisional guy from the NTSB down here now. Short, Duff, McTavish, inside. [He goes into Welsh's office to hold court.] All right. Gentlemen, here's our situation. Representatives from State and the NSC are meeting regarding the larger implications. Now, as I speak, two rapid response teams are flying in from Fort Bragg and Quantico —
VECCHIO: What, no B-fifty-two squadron?
FORD: You have a problem with this, Detective?
VECCHIO: You know, Ford, we all have our own style. Me, I get a headache, I don't take a chainsaw to it. I swallow a couple aspirin.
WELSH: Vecchio, this is their field protocol.
VECCHIO: Lieutenant, there are people on that train. Sure, they're Canadians, but they're still people, and we don't know what their situation is.
FORD: That's right, Detective. We can't talk to them, so we don't know. Therefore, we assume the situation has gone sour until we've received confirmation one way or the other. You know, you — [He slams the desk and pulls himself together.] Let's be clear about one thing, all right? You are a conduit. You deliver the money. Nothing more. Do we understand each other?
VECCHIO: I don't think that's possible.
DIETER: I'm confused. Uh, what is a musical ride? I mean, ah, some kind of theme park thing?
WELSH: Oh, no, no, no, it's much more than that. It's, ah, thirty-two horses and riders moving as one. Perfect harmony between man and beast. A kaleidoscope of manes and tails and battle lances cris-crossing in a collage of synchronous movement. Takes your breath away. [Everyone, including Diefenbaker, is staring at him like he's lost the plot.] Hey, I was a kid. It haunted me.
Welcome back, feds. Getting them in here didn't take long, did it? Canadian Pacific only has about 150 miles of railway in Illinois (and in 1996 seems to have had even less), and assuming a maximum passenger-rail speed of 60mph, even granting that the takeover happened just the moment the train crossed into Illinois (that is, assuming "somewhere in Illinois" means "the extreme northwest corner of Illinois"), we have to have had time for Vecchio to take the call, listen to the recording, hightail it to the station, call the feds, and have the feds get there from wherever they normally work (presumably another building in downtown Chicago)—by which time I'd think the train would have made its way across a significant portion of the state.
Scene 11
The TV guy shoves Thatcher (unbuttoned) and Fraser through the aisle of a horse trailer car, singing incorrect lyrics to "The Happy Wanderer."
TV GUY: ♫ . . . along the railroad track, and as I go, I love to sing, a Mountie on my back. ♫ Now then. [His crew drag an unconscious Mountie in as he opens the door.] In an effort to show you that my intentions are serious, I was thinking that this is a gesture you might appreciate. [They hurl the Mountie out of the train; they happen to be passing a house, and he crashes through the window and onto a dining room table. The people sitting there don't quite know what to make of this. When we return to the train, the TV guy has tied Fraser and Thatcher together, face to face, their arms around each other. He is talking to a horse.] Now, this amuses me. You see? Superior officer, junior officer. Boss, worker. The empowered, the unempowered. Heh heh heh. And look, they're even hugging each other. It's a beautiful thing, don't you think? Hahahaha.
FRASER: What do you hope to gain from this?
TV GUY: You couldn't possibly imagine. Or maybe you can. Start by thinking, chchchchchchchchoo — train. Now think, pkhw — explosives. Now put them together. chchch, train; pkhw, explosives. [He chuckles and speaks to a crew member on his way out of the train car.] If they move, shoot them.
I can't see how many stars Thatcher has on her left sleeve, but she does have the same rifle and pistol qualification badges on her cuffs that Fraser has on his. Oddly, there's deep snow outside the train when they throw the unconscious Mountie out of it, but there are green leaves on the tree outside the hapless homeowners' dining room window. 🤔 Finally, the song the TV guy is adapting is "The Happy Wanderer," the first verse of which goes "I love to go a-wandering along the mountain track, and as I go, I love to sing, my knapsack on my back."
Scene 12
Dieter comes into Welsh's office.
DIETER: We have confirmation. A Mountie showed up for lunch at a farmer's house. I'll get the money ready.
FORD: Get Vecchio in here.
Scene 13
Frobisher and Bob are in the engine compartment.
FROBISHER: Aha.
BOB FRASER: What have you got there?
FROBISHER: I've found it. Found the brake.
BOB FRASER: What makes you think it's the brake?
FROBISHER: It's written right on it. "Brake." [It is. They are looking at a handle that says "engine brake."]
BOB FRASER: Ah, could be a ruse.
FROBISHER: To what end?
BOB FRASER: Something criminal.
FROBISHER: Are you insinuating that an entire design crew has deliberately mislabeled the key elements of a train?
BOB FRASER: It is possible.
FROBISHER: I'm talking to a lunatic.
BOB FRASER: Now, you see, this is what's wrong with you, Buck. You discount everything but the probable. It's why you couldn't make that shot way back then —
FROBISHER: Don't think you can twist the knife. You know, that was springtime. I had my allergies. My eyes were cloudy.
BOB FRASER: Whatever helps you sleep.
FROBISHER: This is the brake, Bob.
BOB FRASER: Yeah, yeah —
FROBISHER: And I'm going to bring this train to a halt.
BOB FRASER: Wait, wait.
FROBISHER: What?
BOB FRASER: What are these?
FROBISHER: Wires. [thinks about this for a hot second] Oh my God.
BOB FRASER: They bypass the brakes.
FROBISHER: Better get hold of Benton. This train is a runaway.
BOB FRASER: This train is a runaway.
Scene 14
Ford, Vecchio, Diefenbaker, and Turnbull are on the tarmac. Turnbull hands Vecchio a duffel bag which, if it contains $10 million, must contain it in very large bills. Vecchio and Diefenbaker head for the helicopter.
VECCHIO: Yeah, don't wait up.
Ford watches him go. He is unhappy.
I'm puzzled by Turnbull's appearance all of a sudden, but I guess with both Thatcher and Fraser captive on the train, he's the ranking sworn law enforcement officer at the consulate at the moment.
Scene 15
Fraser and Thatcher are in the train car with the horses. They are still bound together, but she leans a little closer to speak to him quietly.
THATCHER: The men aren't dead, are they, Fraser?
FRASER: No, ma'am. As we passed through the Ride car, I detected the after-odor of the quixotoman root. It is found exclusively in the upper reaches of the Amazon basin. In its gaseous form, it's known as quicksotomanophil. It's a paralytic. It's harmless, but the men won't regain consciousness for approximately twenty-six minutes.
THATCHER: Say no more. [A horse behind her snorts.] Excuse me.
I believe that Fraser might have read all about this (fictitious) paralytic root in his grandparents' library, but why would he know what it smells like? (Time stamp when he says "won't regain consciousness for approximately 26 minutes:" 20:24.)
It's entertaining to imagine Thatcher is excusing the horse for snorting behind her, but in fact she's calling for the attention of the dude guarding them.
Scene 16
Vecchio and Diefenbaker have been dropped off at the downstate train station. They wave thanks to the helicopter and head for the station building. The station manager nods politely.
VECCHIO: How're you doing? I'm with the police.
STATION MANAGER: You are? And, ah, where are they?
VECCHIO: Well, I'm it. I'm the police.
STATION MANAGER: You are? Do, do you like it, son? Does it pay well?
VECCHIO: Yeah, it's fine. Do you have something called a mail pole?
Scene 17
The guy guarding Fraser and Thatcher is chatting with them.
GUARD: Robert De Niro? That's who I based my whole character on. You met him?
THATCHER: Dated him.
GUARD: De Niro?
THATCHER: He gave me a tattoo. On my hip.
She nods toward her hip. The guard is skeptical, but he bends down and lifts the hem of her tunic. She knees him in the belly, and then Fraser knees him in the face. He's down and out.
FRASER: Very nice work, ma'am.
THATCHER: Thank you.
FRASER: [They are looking at each other searchingly.] May I . . .?
THATCHER: May you what?
He leans in close . . . and pulls a pin out of her hair with his teeth. He brings it around to her front so she can take the other side in her teeth and they can unbend it together—but it drops into her cleavage. They look at it for a moment, then look at each other, then she steels herself and nods to him to get on with it. He nods and dives in. She keeps her eyes on the ceiling while he's working. Finally he pops up with the pin in his teeth again; she takes the other side in hers; they turn their faces away from each other so the pin unbends. He reaches around her to take the unbent pin in his fingers and work on picking the lock to his handcuffs.
FRASER: Escada?
THATCHER: I beg your pardon?
FRASER: The fragrance you're wearing?
THATCHER: No.
FRASER: Cartier?
THATCHER: No.
FRASER: Chanel?
THATCHER: Please?
FRASER: Ah. [He gets his handcuff unlocked and leans back.] I give up. What is the perfume you're wearing?
THATCHER: I'm not wearing anything, Fraser. I hate perfume.
FRASER: Ah.
He lifts his arms and slides down her body to get out of the circle of her arms, which are still cuffed together behind him. Her eyes roll back a bit. The train horn sounds.
It is very brave of someone who has been through what I believe Thatcher has been through to allow Fraser to do the things he needs to do to get them out of this fix. It is very gallant of Fraser to check in with her at each step the way he does. It is also apparently unnecessary for him to use his mouth at all; given that he can reach his mouth with his hand, shouldn't he also have been able either to reach the hairpin with his hand and unbend it with his other hand or at least reach his own teeth with his hand and unbend the damn thing by himself?
Likewise, it's hard to see for long, but in scene 11 it's clear that they were locked together with their arms interlocking—that is, it wasn't either of their arms "on top" and the others on the bottom—or they could have done the sliding-out maneuver even before Fraser got his cuffs undone. However: Once he had his own hands separated from each other, was it necessary for him to slide down the length of her body face to face as if she were a dance pole, or couldn't he have turned around in her arms and picked the lock on her cuffs with his back to her?
Scene 18
Vecchio and Diefenbaker and the station manager are waiting by the mail pole. As the train comes by, the sound guy leans out with a mail hook and snags it. Vecchio watches the train go. The sound guy brings the bag to the TV guy.
TV GUY: It's all there?
SOUND GUY: Yep.
TV GUY: Perfect, now find the old geezer and give him the heave-ho.
The sound guy goes up the aisle between the unconscious Mounties. Fraser and Thatcher are coming along the train in the other direction. Frobisher beckons them to join him in the restroom.
FROBISHER: Allow me to debrief you. The enemy has bypassed the brake valve. In a nutshell, this train is a runaway.
FRASER: Not only is it a runaway, sir, I think it's loaded with explosives.
FROBISHER: That station back there — they took something off the mail pole.
THATCHER: Ransom.
FRASER: Which leaves only one conclusion: The ransom was a cover. Their darker purpose is to drive this bomb into the heart of Chicago — [They hear someone on the roof of the train car.]
THATCHER: Do you have your gun?
FROBISHER: Left it at the border.
FRASER: Likewise.
BOB FRASER: [from under the commode where Fraser was in scene 4] Why don't you use my gun? [Fraser and Frobisher both look at him.]
THATCHER: If we survive this, remind me to make some changes to official travel policy.
She steps around them, throws a tissue in the commode, and steps on the flush pedal. Fraser and Frobisher look again, then nod at each other.
FRASER: Stand clear.
He kicks the restroom door open just as the sound guy is coming by. Fraser runs back up the train; the sound guy gets up, grabs a fire axe off the wall, and chases him.
FROBISHER: Well, he's going to need some help. [He starts to follow Fraser.]
THATCHER: [stops him] No. It's my responsibility.
She follows Fraser, leaving Frobisher alone in the restroom.
I can now confirm that Thatcher, like Fraser, has three stars. Also, fun facts: She has no lanyard, her crossbody belt goes the other way (over her right shoulder rather than her left), and she has blue cuffs and a blue collar all the way around (where Fraser and Frobisher have a blue flash at the throat only) because she's a commissioned officer, though Uncle Wiki says as a commissioned officer she should not wear the pistol and rifle qualifications on her cuff or the length-of-service stars on her sleeve.
The tissue-flushing thing is a mystery. Like okay, she flushes Bob Fraser's ghost, ha ha, and both Ben Fraser and Frobisher know he's down there. But why is this bit in here at all? Isn't there a bin she could have tossed the tissue in? Why does she suddenly have a tissue? I don't need everything to be set up in act 1 so it can be paid off in act 3 like Chekov's Gun, but this is just such an unmotivated and unnecessary bit of business that I'm totally distracted by it. Just write her one sneeze in one of the previous 17 scenes and I'll be happier about it, jeez.
Scene 19
Fraser climbs onto the roof of the train. The sound guy follows him up there.
FRASER: I'm glad you could join me.
The sound guy swings at him with the axe. Fraser dodges the axe and punches the sound guy in the jaw. The sound guy swings again; Fraser blocks, knees him in the gut, and thumps him on the back of the neck, knocking him down on all fours. Somehow he doesn't fall off the train or even drop the axe. Fraser kicks him onto his back and tries to take the axe, but the guy gets control and rolls him over toward the edge of the train. Fraser straightens his arms and knocks the guy off him by hitting him in the face with the axe handle. The guy gets up and tries to run along the top of the train, but Fraser catches him. They are trading punches when Thatcher gets up there and gets ready to double-team the guy.
FRASER: Ah, ma'am, I really would prefer that you not — [Thatcher knocks the sound guy's leg out from under him; he goes off the side of the train but is still holding onto Fraser.] — oh, dear. [Fraser and the sound guy both fall off the top of the train.]
THATCHER: Fraser!
Of course this has happened as they were going over a bridge, so it appears that Fraser and the sound guy have both plunged several dozen feet into an icy river.
Scene 20
Thatcher is back on the train blaming herself.
THATCHER: It was my fault.
FROBISHER: No it wasn't.
BOB FRASER: Well, in a way it was.
FROBISHER: Stay out of this.
THATCHER: How can I stay out of it? I am the senior officer on board this train. Fraser was on my immediate staff. He was my responsibility.
BOB FRASER: Well, she has a point, Buck.
THATCHER: He drove me crazy, that's no secret. But lately I had started to think — I mean, I, I had started to feel —
BOB FRASER: Great Scott, you don't think she's —
FROBISHER: Great Scott, uh, you don't suppose that you're, um —
THATCHER: I'm confused, Sergeant. My feelings are very confused.
FROBISHER: I see.
BOB FRASER: "I see"? What kind of counsel is that? Console her, for God's sake.
FROBISHER: Uh, In— Inspector, um, there are times between men and women . . . uh, times between men and women when things, uh, grow . . . feelings . . . uh . . . well . . . enough said.
BOB FRASER: Enough said?
THATCHER: You're right, Sergeant. We've got a train to stop. We have to push on. You handle the men. I'll take the engine.
BOB FRASER: She really takes death in her stride, doesn't she?
FROBISHER: You don't think that Benton is really dead, do you?
BOB FRASER: No. My guess is he's executing a plan to bring this crisis to an end.
Fraser is on the track, chasing the train on a handcar whose walking beam he is pumping by himself.
Where the hell did he even get a handcar? How did he get it onto the track by himself? How was he not injured by falling off the train? How does he think he's going to drive that handcar fast enough by himself to catch up to a diesel locomotive?
Scene 21
Vecchio is at the station talking to his buddy the station manager.
VECCHIO: You got a way to track these trains? Some kind of grid or computer or something?
STATION MANAGER: Oh, sure, they gave me a computer, but it's a useless piece of junk. [He takes a stack of files and his jacket off the monitor.] There's nothing on it but fish. Little fish swimming around.
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, they call that a screensaver. [He wakes up the display to show the microwave tracking system on the Palliser Line.]
STATION MANAGER: Hey, you some kind of expert?
Fraser is now driving the walking beam with his foot, because he's using his hands to throw a lariat and rope the back bumper of the train. Once he's got it, he starts hauling himself in by the line.
Because one man pulling is going to get him there faster than one man driving a handcar. I mean fair enough, at least now he won't lose ground.
Scene 22
The camera girl comes running up the aisle toward the TV guy.
CAMERA GIRL: I can't find Brex.
TV GUY: Forget about Brex.
CAMERA GIRL: I love you, you big lug.
TV GUY: I know. Now let's go set some charges and head back to the caboose.
CAMERA GIRL: [giggling] Okay.
TV GUY: Huh?
CAMERA GIRL: Uh-huh.
TV GUY: Heh heh, yeah. Let's do it.
Scene 23
Thatcher is on her way to the engine compartment. Fraser pops up between cars.
FRASER: Ma'am.
THATCHER: Fraser!
FRASER: Thank God you're all right.
THATCHER: I thought you were —
FRASER: Dead? No, ma'am.
THATCHER: How did you . . .?
FRASER: Well, that's not important. What is important —
THATCHER: Not important? I grieved for you.
FRASER: You did?
THATCHER: Briefly.
FRASER: Understood. Red suits you. I've had some time to think about it, and it's my conclusion that given the nature of our situation and the threat that we pose, if we fail to stop this train, then the only logical course of action for the authorities would be to destroy it.
THATCHER: And everyone on board?
FRASER: Yes, ma'am.
THATCHER: But that's madness.
FRASER: Well, put yourself in their position. Wouldn't you do the same?
THATCHER: You think I could be that cold-hearted?
FRASER: Well, forgive me, ma'am, but I would have thought you more than up to the challenge.
THATCHER: Is that what you think of me?
FRASER: I don't mean to upset you.
THATCHER: I'm not upset, Fraser.
FRASER: It's just — what I'm trying to say is —
THATCHER: Let's go.
They have seen the TV guy and the camera girl coming along the train car; Fraser and Thatcher climb onto the roof of the train before the baddies can see them. They scramble along the top of the train; the TV guy and the camera girl go into the engine compartment and start setting charges. Just before reaching the roof of the engine compartment, Thatcher turns around.
THATCHER: Actually, Fraser, I am upset. What makes you think we're so different? You graduated the first of your class, and so did I. You received medals for field work. So did I. You wear red serge; I wear red serge. The only difference between us is that you're a woman and I'm not.
FRASER: I think you have that backwards, ma'am.
THATCHER: You know what I mean.
FRASER: Yes, I do.
THATCHER: I'm not made of stone.
FRASER: I'm very much aware of that.
THATCHER: Are you?
FRASER: Yes.
THATCHER: You are?
FRASER: I know you have a heart, and I think it beats just the same as mine.
THATCHER: You think it does?
FRASER: Yes.
THATCHER: What about right now?
FRASER: It's racing.
THATCHER: Out of control?
FRASER: [nods] It's a runaway.
They kiss. The train trundles along. It goes under an overpass, which slices the crown off Fraser's hat. They carry on kissing. Frobisher comes up through a hatch in the car behind them.
FROBISHER: Uh, ahem! [Fraser and Thatcher spring apart.] I'm not one to throw water on a decent fire, but something is afoot. The enemy is gathering in the caboose.
FRASER AND THATCHER: [practically in unison] Uh, we were just, um —
FROBISHER: Strategy session. I understand.
First of all, if a train loaded with explosives were headed for Chicago, of course you'd have to destroy the train (even at the cost of the several dozen lives on board) if it couldn't be stopped or diverted. Then you'd probably resign from your senior position and spend your retirement in therapy, but you wouldn't knowingly allow a bomb to strike a major city center and kill not only everyone on the train but also untold thousands in the blast zone, and making that call would be an excruciating, not cold-hearted, thing to do. Maybe Thatcher will feel differently in five and a half years or so.
Anyway, though: Okay so Fraser and Thatcher have had their clinch. I believe I am on record with the opinion that Paul Gross could generate chemistry with a ham sandwich and that Camilla Scott is quite pretty, so is the fact that I don't see much chemistry between these two good-looking chemistry-capable people because I don't want to see it or because it really isn't there? I mean I also happen to think this relationship would be a couple of kinds of disaster even if it were permitted (I have no information on whether the RCMP allows fraternization between personnel of different ranks, but either way, in the same chain of command it's a terrible idea even if it is technically not against any policies). Setting all that aside and approaching it as the show wants me to, I found this particular kiss . . . not that interesting. Maybe better than Vecchio and Irene, but not as good as Vecchio and the ATF agent, and definitely not a patch on Fraser and Victoria. I think Fraser and Thatcher themselves were doing better mutual-attraction work in the egg incubator than they're doing in this episode at all.
I don't know how "red suits you" has anything to do with the rest of the conversation.
Scene 24
Someone pulls a lever and switches the track just before the train gets to the junction. At the police station, someone overreacts.
AN AGENT: They've gone off the grid.
FORD: It's not a jet, people. Find it. FIND IT.
This may be the first sensible thing Agent Ford has ever said.
Scene 25
At the train station, Vecchio and the station manager see the train blip off their scanner as well.
VECCHIO: Where the hell did it go?
STATION MANAGER: Told you it was a useless piece of junk.
Scene 26
The guy who pulled the switch hops up onto the train; he has a remote controller with which he runs his pickup truck along the track the train used to be on. At the police station, someone overreacts.
AN AGENT: We got them back!
There is general whooping and hollering and high-fiving.
So what they've got is a sensor telling them whether a particular bit of track is being used? Rather than a sensor telling them where a particular train is? That seems . . . daft.
Scene 27
Vecchio and the station manager are looking at a railway map and timetable.
VECCHIO: Where does this end up?
STATION MANAGER: At a nuclear plant, but your train won't make it there, because there's another one coming this way carrying spent fuel rods.
VECCHIO: Why the hell would they divert? [Then he realizes what the old man said.] Fuel rods?
STATION MANAGER: Yep. It's a trainload of radioactive uranium.
VECCHIO: So if their train meets up with our train, and our train's wired . . . oh my God. You got a car?
STATION MANAGER: [giddy] Have I got a car. [He hustles Vecchio out of the station.]
VECCHIO: Let's go.
Right now of course Vecchio and the manager are winning for realizing that the train has switched tracks.
Scene 28
Elaine pulls a page off the printer.
ELAINE: We got a voice match. [Dieter grabs the printout from her; Ford grabs the printout from Dieter.]
FORD: Name Bolt, Randal K. Born Oregon, nineteen-fifty-three. Ex-military demolitions expert. Dishonorably discharged in nineteen-eighty-seven following an explosion in an officers' mess in Baden-Baden. Went underground stateside, resurfaced in a white supremacist group based out of Idaho called the Fathers of Confederation. He's been linked to a number of recent bombings and train derailments.
Baden-Baden is a spa town in southwestern Germany. It does not and never did host any U.S. military installations.
Scene 29
Vecchio and the station manager are bumping along off-road in an ATV. Vecchio is trying to read the map.
VECCHIO: What's this?
STATION MANAGER: Safety measure. Emergency runoff shunt.
VECCHIO: Can we get our train on it?
STATION MANAGER: Just got to get to the switch.
I am very strongly reminded of Fraser and Vecchio in the dogsled in the pilot. I can't imagine why.
Scene 30
Fraser, Frobisher, and Thatcher rush up the aisle between the rows of still unconscious Mounties. They stop and huddle before they go through the door.
FRASER: All right, follow me.
THATCHER: [stops him] No.
FRASER: Ma'am?
THATCHER: This is my detail. I'll go first. You'll follow me. [She goes.]
BOB FRASER: Boy, times change. On balance, I think, for the better, but in my day a woman wouldn't be allowed to —
FRASER AND FROBISHER: Do you mind? [Then they look at each other.]
FRASER: Do you mean that, that you can . . . [Frobisher nods.] Great Scott.
BOB FRASER: Fellas, this is not a good time to ponder on one of death's mysteries. What happened to your hat?
FRASER: Nothing.
BOB FRASER: Understood.
FRASER: Ready? Go.
Fraser and Frobisher rush out of the train car. Thatcher is there; the camera girl has a gun to her head. The TV guy (Bolt) pops up waving his own gun.
TV GUY (BOLT): Well, howdy, gentlemen. Look, first of all, I want you to know that I have no quarrel with you personally. As a matter of fact, I really love that horsey thing you do. You know, it kinda turns me on. Hahaha! But the American government is an outlaw government, because it is a government that has chosen to betray the sacred trust of its founding fathers. That betrayal can not be tolerated. So that so-called government has to be punished, you see. So I have decided to take this opportunity to demonstrate a little trick I've been working on with this radio frequency transmitter. [He presses a switch, and a timer in the engine compartment turns on.] This train is bound for glory, 'cause this train is now a trigger mechanism for imminent nuclear meltdown.
He decouples the caboose, carrying himself, the camera girl and Thatcher, and one other crew member, from the rest of the train. Fraser gets ready to jump across and save Thatcher, but Frobisher pulls him down.
FROBISHER: Ah, priorities, son.
FRASER: But sir —
FROBISHER: Priorities.
Bolt waves bye-bye as the caboose falls away from the train.
Bolt is a preposterous figure, but he seems a lot less funny to me here in 2022 than I think he may have seemed in 1996. Have mercy.
Scene 31
The train is pulling further away from the caboose. Fraser is looking at it.
BOB FRASER: Buck, would you have a word with him?
FROBISHER: Why me? He's your son.
BOB FRASER: Well, yeah, I know, I — but I'm dead, and my advice has been growing stale lately. Go ahead.
FROBISHER: Ah, Benton? Your mother, uh — your mother married a good man.
FRASER: Yes, she did.
FROBISHER: I suppose in a way that your father and I were rivals, but in the end, we forged ahead. We overcame, no matter what. What I'm — what I mean is that between men and women there are things, uh . . . between men and women there are things which arise. Feelings.
FRASER: She's my superior officer, sir. That's all.
FROBISHER: Well. Enough said.
BOB FRASER: All done?
FROBISHER: Yep.
FRASER: Back to business.
She is indeed your superior officer, Fraser, which is why it's a bad idea to catch feelings for her and you should keep your mouth off her mouth going forward.
Scene 32
Vecchio and the station manager are tearing across the countryside in the ATV. They ford a river with a big splash. At the police station, someone is looking at a map. Ford and Dieter and Welsh rush over.
FORD: All right, we've got a failsafe position at mile thirty-one. The train enters the tunnel, we can pull the rails, hit it with everything we've got.
WELSH: Wait — wait, wait, wait, wait. You're going to blow up the train?
FORD: Would you rather we blow up Chicago?
I would prefer to blow up neither the train nor Chicago, of course, if there's an option in that direction, and it doesn't look like Ford has even considered it—that's the trouble with him, of course, is that he (and the feds on this show in general) leap immediately to the worst-case scenario and never think of it as a last resort. Like Vecchio said, you get a headache, you take some aspirin. Fortunately, I think the feds are assuming the train is still on the original track (because they're fooled by the pickup truck), so they'll never have the opportunity to carry out this particular plan.
Scene 33
Vecchio is standing on an overpass, holding Diefenbaker. He shouts to the station manager.
VECCHIO: Go!
The station manager puts his helmet back on and rushes back to his ATV. Vecchio (carrying Diefenbaker) jumps off the overpass onto the top of the oncoming train, somehow landing not on its roof but on the platform between two cars—just as Fraser and Frobisher come out of one of those very cars.
FROBISHER: Good timing. We could use some extra men.
VECCHIO: Hey, look, we just jumped onto a speeding train. You think someone could say hello?
FRASER: Hello, Ray. We're in a bit of a pickle.
VECCHIO: You're telling me. And it's a dill. [The three of them, and Diefenbaker, go into the next car, where Bob is already waiting.] This train is on a collision course with a load of radioactive uranium. I'm talking major meltdown.
Bolt's voice comes over the intercom.
BOLT (INTERCOM): — and we are heading south.
CAMERA GIRL (INTERCOM): What do you mean south, honey? I thought we were heading north.
BOLT (INTERCOM): Change of plan.
OTHER CREW MEMBER (INTERCOM): What do you mean change of plan?
It turns out Thatcher, with her hands cuffed behind her, is pressing on the intercom button.
BOLT: Well, several changes of plan, actually. We are heading south to an ATV and a helicopter, and second — well, it turns out I'm kinda greedy, so you won't be coming along. [He shoots the camera girl and the other crew member dead.] Just you and me now, Inspector Thatcher.
VECCHIO: They got the Dragon Lady.
FRASER: Let's get to work.
FROBISHER: All right, priorities. One, defuse the train; two, stop the bomb.
FRASER: Or we could defuse the bomb and then stop the train.
FROBISHER: Exactly. Have I overlooked something?
FRASER: What if we can't do either?
VECCHIO: I've found us a safety net. There's an emergency runoff shunt a couple of miles down line.
FROBISHER: How do we pull the switch?
VECCHIO: We won't have to. I got a man on it right now. He'll be at the switch before we get there.
The station manager's ATV is zooming along on his way to the switch.
This is solid planning and police work and day-saving from Vecchio, and I am here for it.
Scene 34
Bolt and Thatcher jump off the stopped caboose and run for his ATV.
BOLT: Hah! Our chariot awaits!
The Musical Ride train continues to hurtle down the track. The radioactive uranium train is coming the other direction.
FROBISHER: [looking through some binoculars] We have a train at twelve noon.
FRASER: Range?
BOB FRASER: Six point three kilometers.
FROBISHER: Six point three kilometers.
VECCHIO: [looking at the bomb with Fraser, trying to work out how to defuse it] There's got to be something right in front of us —
BOB FRASER: Six point one kilometers.
FROBISHER: Six point one kilometers.
VECCHIO: — something obvious —
BOB FRASER: Five point seven kilometers.
FROBISHER: Five point seven kilometers.
FRASER: Where's your man on the shunt?
VECCHIO: Don't worry, he'll be there.
BOB FRASER: Five point three kilometers.
FROBISHER: No, son, I don't think he will be. [They all look out the window, where the station manager is waving to them from next to the wreckage of his ATV.] Give me that gun.
FRASER: Sir?
FROBISHER: You heard me. The gun. [Fraser hands him a rifle.] Stand back.
Frobisher is on the front of the train, dealing with the sighting on the rifle.
BOB FRASER: The Great Yukon Double Douglas Fir Telescoping Bank Shot?
FROBISHER: Any bloody shot I can make. What end of this thing do you look through?
BOB FRASER: I haven't a clue. How about this?
FROBISHER: Technology. [He pulls the scope off the rifle and throws it away.] Forget it.
Vecchio and Fraser are still in the engine compartment looking at the bomb.
VECCHIO: So what are these numbers?
FRASER: Well, these indicate the hours, minutes, and seconds, which means this must indicate the —
VECCHIO: — speed of the train.
FRASER: Right. So this will function as a monitor. If the train decelerates, it'll send a signal to the clapboard, which in turn will send a pulse to the explosives.
VECCHIO: So we have to trick it into thinking that it's still moving.
Diefenbaker barks and looks at something. Fraser and Vecchio follow his eyeline: He is looking at an electric fan. Out on the front of the train, Frobisher is aiming.
FROBISHER: It's an impossible angle.
BOB FRASER: No angle is impossible.
FROBISHER: You were Bob Fraser — young Bob Fraser. Look at me now. My eyes are fading, my knees won't hold me up, and I've been passing wind for the past week.
BOB FRASER: Do you want me to tell you how I made that shot?
FROBISHER: No.
Fraser dismantles the back of the electric fan and blows some dust out of it.
VECCHIO: Give me that wire.
Vecchio starts threading wire into the fan's mechanism. Frobisher reconsiders.
FROBISHER: Of course, if you feel you must, then, ah, go ahead.
Bob Fraser whispers in his ear. Frobisher looks at him in disbelief. Bob nods and points at the switch. Frobisher shoulders the rifle. The uranium train is coming. They are almost at the switch. Vecchio is ready.
VECCHIO: Hurry up, start the fan.
Fraser starts the fan. The speed gauge is gauging. Frobisher blinks, looks away from the remains of the scope, and fires. He hits the switch. He can't believe it.
BOB FRASER: Good man.
Vecchio is looking at the gauge.
VECCHIO: It's working. [He claps the clapboard.] Hit the brakes!
Fraser pulls the brake lever. Just as the trains would have collided, the Musical Ride train goes off onto the runoff shunt (thanks to Frobisher) and begins to slow down (thanks to Fraser) but does not explode (thanks to Vecchio). The uranium train passes by it without stopping. Bob is back in the engine with Fraser and Vecchio.
BOB FRASER: If it was me, son, I'd saddle a horse. [Fraser stands up to go.]
VECCHIO: Where are you going?
FRASER: To saddle a horse.
FROBISHER: [coming back in] Where's he going?
VECCHIO: To saddle a horse.
BOB FRASER: What about the men?
FROBISHER: Uh . . . [looks at his watch] Well, if Benton's right, they should be coming to right about . . . now.
ALL THE MOUNTIES: [wake up en masse and sing in harmony] ♫ We're gonna ride forever. ♫ [Fraser is in the horse car, saddling up.] ♫ You can't keep horsemen in a cage. Should the angels call — ♫ [Frobisher joins him and saddles his own horse.] ♫ — well, it's only then we might pull in the reins. ♫
FROBISHER: You didn't think you were going to take this ride by yourself, didya?
Timestamp when the Mounties revive: 42:12, which is rather less than 26 minutes from when Fraser said they'd be regaining consciousness. In a minute I'll go back and see what time they went under, but if it's not 16:24 or thereabouts, I'm calling shenanigans on the editorial team. But hey! Frobisher got his watch back!
Scene 35
The ramp sides of the train cars fall open, horses neigh, and the entire Musical Ride troops out with red and white flags on their lances. Bolt and Thatcher zoom up a hill on the ATV. They see the cavalry coming over the next hill; Bolt turns around and ATVs in the opposite direction.
FROBISHER: Charge!
The Mounties lower their lances into business position and charge forward, yelling.
BOLT: [watching them in his rearview] They always look so happy.
The Musical Ride, each horse of which has presumably one HP, gains on Bolt's ATV, which probably has about a 30HP engine. 🤷 Fraser and Frobisher are in the lead. They both throw their lances, spearing the ATV's engine. It sputters to a halt. Fraser turns around and heads back to it. Bolt has drawn his pistol, but Thatcher throws him off the ATV and stands up on the seat so she can swing up into the saddle behind Fraser. They and Frobisher ride out to safety while the rest of the Ride circles the grounded Bolt and all lower their lances to point at him. The music is triumphant.
Yeah, yeah, horses circling up are always cool.
I don't know about the horses gaining on the ATV. It's true that HP is not speed, but power:weight ratio is a thing, and I'd be frankly shocked if that ATV (plus its engine, etc., all-in) carrying two adults weighed 30x what a single thoroughbred carrying one adult weighed, so . . . it should still be able to outrun a horse, right?
Scene 36
Fraser and Thatcher, Frobisher, and the Musical Ride are heading back to the train. Fraser sees Bob riding along with them; he salutes. Bob salutes back. Fraser smiles. Thatcher doesn't know what just happened.
FROBISHER: Bob. Isn't that my old horse Bucket? That was shot out from under me in the Dry Gulch Canyon?
BOB FRASER: Yeah, I thought you'd like to see him again.
FROBISHER: Oh, yes. Very thoughtful.
BOB FRASER: Did I congratulate you on that shot?
FROBISHER: Yes, I hit the target.
BOB FRASER: Well, anyway, it ranks right up there with the Great Yukon Double Douglas Fir Telescoping Bank Shot.
FROBISHER: Well, you realize, of course, that I knew that you were always the one she loved.
BOB FRASER: Oh, now you're saying you missed intentionally?
FROBISHER: We were friends.
BOB FRASER: No, we weren't.
FROBISHER: Yes, we were.
BOB FRASER: No, no, no, no, no, no.
FROBISHER: Don't you tell me after thirty-seven years together on the force —
BOB FRASER: You told people I was your friend, but —
They ride along, bickering. Bolt is handcuffed and on horseback under guard, which is probably why Thatcher is still riding behind Fraser.
THATCHER: You realize, Fraser, that what happened between us can never repeat itself. Unless, of course, the exact same circumstances were to repeat themselves.
FRASER: By exact same circumstances, ah, you mean we would have to be aboard a train loaded with unconscious Mounties that had been taken over by terrorists and were heading for nuclear catastrophe?
THATCHER: Exactly.
FRASER: Understood.
The whole Ride is approaching the train in a V formation. Vecchio and Diefenbaker are standing on top of the train watching them come in. Diefenbaker whimpers.
VECCHIO: I know, big fella. But there are times between men and women when things come up. You know, feelings. [Diefenbaker grumbles.] Enough said.
The Mounties keep riding in. The music does a triumphant flourish.
Okay. The Mounties all passed out at 7:47 on the episode clock, so Fraser's estimate of "approximately 26 minutes" for them to revive is simply off and I don't know how Frobisher could have been so precise about when that was going to happen. Also, Turnbull was in this thing for a total of about two seconds, and he was billed higher than Agent Ford, who actually, you know, played a role in the episode and spoke words we could hear and everything. In short: Guest billing remains completely mysterious to me.
Oh, I didn't do the title yet. Yeah, of course the old nursery rhyme "Humpty Dumpty" includes the line "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again," and at the time this episode was filmed, they had a queen instead of a king, didn't they.
Cumulative body count: 24 (assuming the sound guy did not survive his fall from the train, but the conductor Frobisher threw out the window did, and that Mountie did survive his crash through the farmhouse dining room window)
Red uniform: The whole time, of course
