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return to Due South: season 2 episode 10 "Starman"
Starman
air date February 22, 1996
Scene 1
The outside of a motel. Music cue: "Have I Told You Lately that I Love You" by Willie Nelson. Room Six has a spaceship on the door.
RADIO ♫ Have I told you lately that I love you? Could I tell you once again somehow? ♫
In the room, the song is playing on the clock radio. The time changes from 11:10 to 11:11. The room has an outer-space theme.
RADIO: ♫ Have I told you how with all my heart and soul I need you? Well, darlin', I'm telling you now. ♫
IAN: Audrey? Have I told you lately that I love you?
AUDREY: [from the bathroom] What?
IAN: Because I do. And a woman as precious as you, as gentle as you, should be cherished and nurtured. Treated like a hothouse flower. Protected and preserved in the delicate warmth of her own . . . humidity.
AUDREY: Huh?
IAN: Humidity.
AUDREY: Oh, I'll turn on the fan.
RADIO: ♫ My heart would break in two if I should lose you, I'm no good without you anyhow. Have I told you lately that I love you? Well, darling, I'm telling you now. ♫
IAN: Because when you love a woman —I mean, when you really love a woman — that's what you do. Because that's what you should do. [Audrey comes out of the bathroom, wearing what is probably Ian's shirt, drying her hair.] So will ya?
AUDREY: Will I what?
IAN: [holds up a ring] Will you marry me?
AUDREY: I . . .
IAN: [smiles and puts the ring on her finger] Till death do us part.
AUDREY: Ian, I —
IAN: [shakes his head] Audrey.
He kisses her. The door bangs open; there is a bright light. They both turn, surprised. There are two men in the doorway.
AUDREY: No!
MAN IN DOORWAY: The signal.
AUDREY: No, no, I need more time! [Ian grabs a sheet and wraps it around her.]
MAN IN DOORWAY: Phasma. Two-twenty. Andromeda.
AUDREY: They're here?
IAN: Who's here? Get the hell out of here! [He moves toward the guys in the doorway. They look at each other. He falls down next to a table.]
AUDREY: I have to go. I can't explain.
IAN: [He has a cut on his forehead.] No, wait, what do you mean?
AUDREY: I'm sorry, I —
IAN: No — [He struggles to his feet.] — no, take me. I'm the dominant species.
AUDREY: Ian!
IAN: [The second doorway guy comes at him with a device of some kind and injects him with something.] Ah — ow! [He starts to feel dizzy and fall down again.]
AUDREY: Ian! [He drops to his knees.] Ian!
Ian can see his ring on Audrey's finger; then he falls back, unconscious. The men hustle her out the door.
Well, we've met this guy before, of course, so this episode is bound to be a ride. (All I can ever think of when I see the title is the Quantum Leap "Future Boy" episode, because Sam in the foil space suit appears in that show's opening credits. Maybe this rewatch will cure me of that.) I know he's trying to be heroic in a stressful panic situation, but "I'm the dominant species" is special bullshit, isn't it—aside from the fact that men aren't the default and women some sort of extraordinary "other" condition, human men and human women are, of course, the same species.
Meanwhile, Vinny and baby Jamie stayed in room six, but that was in a different motel.
Scene 2
Fraser and Vecchio are coming down the stairs at the station.
FRASER: So I have your word?
VECCHIO: Yes.
FRASER: And you promise.
VECCHIO: I said I promised.
FRASER: Very good. Let's say you had helped someone, and then you swore you would never help that person again.
VECCHIO: This is a hypothetical question, right?
FRASER: All right, Ray, sure.
VECCHIO: Okay.
FRASER: Okay. Well, let's say this hypothetical person had not been entirely honest with you. Well, as a matter of fact, he — all right, he was a pathological liar. But he had helped you, and in so doing he had not helped you, so to speak.
VECCHIO: Do you want to tell me which one of your friends we're talking about here?
FRASER: Well, I thought we'd agreed this was a hypothetical situation.
VECCHIO: Oh, that bad, huh?
FRASER: Unfortunately. Now, do you think you could find it in your heart to help him again?
VECCHIO: Well, what specifically did this friend of yours do?
FRASER: Ours. Ours.
VECCHIO: Yes, okay, what specifically did this hypothetical friend of ours do that was so bad that I would never help him again?
FRASER: Well, let's just say that he ruined your vacation, then he caused you to be attacked by Canadian mobsters, which in turn caused you to shoot and explode your car until it was a seething fire ball. Hypothetically.
VECCHIO: No. No, no, no.
FRASER: There's no room for —
VECCHIO: No.
A couple of uniformed cops come up to talk to them.
FIRST COP: Amazing friend you've got, Fraser. I mean, how many guys would run a marathon around the world to raise money for an orphanage in China?
SECOND COP: Two hundred and fifty thousand miles, his feet bleeding, heart fit to burst, just to buy some poor little Chinese kids a bigscreen TV?
FIRST COP: And a Dumbo video.
SECOND COP: You've got to love a guy who loves Dumbo.
They biff off.
VECCHIO: Ian. Ian McDonald. Don't tell me this man is here, because if he is, I'm going to take my gun out and I'm going to shoot myself.
IAN: Hi, guys. Am I glad to see you!
VECCHIO: On second thought, I'm going to shoot him.
FRASER: Ray, Ray, please. You promised.
VECCHIO: That was hypothetically.
FRASER: He needs help.
VECCHIO: No!
FRASER: Ray, it will take ten seconds, and a person's life may depend upon it. Look, Ray, just because someone feels compelled to lie, it doesn't mean that there isn't a grain of truth in there somewhere, and I'm fairly certain that he did intend to go to China.
VECCHIO: Two seconds.
FRASER: All right, thank you. Ian, tell him.
IAN: My fiancée has been abducted by aliens.
VECCHIO: [runs at Ian] AAAAAH!
FRASER: Ray, Ray, Ray!
Fraser's voice has a Smooth setting that is audible here when he says "All right, Ray, sure." You can hear it also in "One Good Man" when the woman in the elevator is screaming and he says "It's all right, it's all right," but it's not just okay-go-for-soothing-and-reassuring because it also turns up in "Pizza and Promises" when Elaine says "You're very good" and he says "Thank you" as he flips his hat. There may be other instances of it as well (possibly when he's offering Elaine various hair treatments from the back of Vecchio's car? possibly when he's examining the craftsmanship of the lingerie shop owner's leather bustier?)—those are the other two I can remember noticing off the top of my head. It's about 20 percent warmer than his normal speaking voice (when he's not hoarse and not shouting), and I find it extremely distracting in a way that a straight woman susceptible to the vocal stylings of the Alan Rickmans and Benedict Cumberbatches (and so on) of the world might be expected to find it. Given that Fraser does not use Smooth Voice to tell Inuit stories to Mrs. Gamez, Vinny Whatsit, or the neighborhood watch or at any time when he's talking to or about Victoria, it is interesting to contemplate what circumstances do call for it. Isn't it? At any rate, I'm interested. Answers on a postcard.
Credits roll.
Paul Gross
David Marciano
Beau Starr
Tony Craig
Catherine Bruhier
(plus Lincoln the dog)
Rino Romano, Amanda Tapping, John Bourgeois, Douglas O'Keeffe
That's right: Colonel Samantha Carter, USAF, as Audrey. I haven't stopped enjoying seeing the big stars in their early guest roles.
Scene 3
Vecchio has Ian by the front of his shirt and drives him right up against the vending machines in the break room.
IAN: Fine, don't believe me, then.
VECCHIO: I don't.
IAN: I'm telling the truth.
VECCHIO: Truth? You don't even know how to spell the word. [lets go of him]
IAN: [can't help himself] T-R-U-T-H.
VECCHIO: Do I need to remind you what happened the last time we went for a ride with this clown? We were in a barroom shootout, there was mud up to here, and we were in a massive car chase, and then he stole my car.
IAN: Borrowed it.
FRASER: And he did return it, Ray.
VECCHIO: Yes, just in enough time for me to blow it up to save his sorry butt. Now, you should have let me strangle him.
IAN: It wouldn't have worked. The aliens put a protective force field around me. [Vecchio turns to leave the room.]
FRASER: Ray, wait, we should at least hear him out.
VECCHIO: Why? What good it'll do? He'll only tell us a bunch of lies, and you'll believe him, and the next thing you know we're going to be driving around in circles dodging bullets.
IAN: See, that would never have happened if you'd let me drive.
VECCHIO: Oh, shut up.
FRASER: You know, Ray, every piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit, it just gets us closer to finding that piece of the puzzle which does.
VECCHIO: Well, thank you, Grasshopper, but I have other business to attend to.
Vecchio stomps off. Fraser follows him. Ian stops someone coming along the hallway with a polygraph machine.
IAN: You. You're late. The suspect's heartbeat is probably way too high by now. This thing is useless. [He takes the cart away from the guy.] Go get me a bucket of ice, a wet towel, and three jars of tomato juice. He's gonna talk if it's the last thing I do. Go, man, go! There's no time to lose.
Anyone with any sense is with Vecchio here, and I don't know why Fraser has this weakness for Ian McDonald except that he has a general weakness for unhappy children (and adults who were unhappy as children), as we've noted before. However! Item one: Ray Vecchio was also not the happiest child, as Fraser surely knows by now, and item two: Fraser knows that Vecchio's trauma from their previous encounter with this dude is real. Why can't he help Ian himself without dragging Vecchio into it?
Vecchio calls Fraser "Grasshopper" for his vaguely deep or mystical-sounding wisdom, which is a sort of wisdom that can pretty reliably provoke a reference to Kung Fu, a popular but regrettable 1970s series (also the referent of "Patience, Grasshopper") in which David Carradine in yellowface played a half American, half Chinese Shaolin monk who is exiled from China to the Old West but who was nicknamed Grasshopper by one of his early teachers. "What good it'll do" is a blip—obviously he should have said "What good will it do"—and I'm curious why they wouldn't have reshot the scene until he said it right. (Except that they don't do that, apparently. Sigh.)
Scene 4
In the interrogation room, Ian is messing with the polygraph machine. Vecchio and Fraser come in.
VECCHIO: Where's my suspect?
IAN: He confessed. I sent his file to the state's attorney and put him in holding.
VECCHIO: You impersonated a cop?
IAN: You certainly weren't doing a very good job.
VECCHIO: Oh, all right. That's it. [He and Fraser step out into the hall.] Fraser, this guy's got some serious problems. He's probably skipped bail and is here illegally. I'm going to arrest him. [He starts to go back into the interrogation room, but Fraser steers him the other way.]
FRASER: Ray, come on.
VECCHIO: All right. At the very least, at the very least, we put him on a bus back to Winnipeg, notify immigration, and we do everybody a favor. He's talking aliens, for God's sakes. [They end up outside the observation window of the interrogation room Ian is in.]
FRASER: Well, I agree he exaggerates, but there may be some truth to what he's saying. Let's take the cut on his forehead, for example.
VECCHIO: Oh, he slipped in the bathroom.
FRASER: I'm not so sure. The presence of minute paint particles along with the traces of wood in the cut, the abrasion —
VECCHIO: Wood?
FRASER: Wood. Cheap particle board would be my guess. And judging from the angle, he made contact with a low-lying piece of furniture, perhaps a dresser.
VECCHIO: All right, so he tripped in the bedroom.
FRASER: Well, now, that is possible. But that would be an assumption which is not altogether different from his exaggerations, if you follow what I am saying. And if we don't investigate, we will never be certain.
VECCHIO: Of course we will.
FRASER: Never judge a book by its cover, Ray.
VECCHIO: Never judge a book by its cover? Nobody says that anymore, Fraser.
FRASER: My grandmother did.
VECCHIO: Oh, I knew she was behind this.
FRASER: Behind what?
VECCHIO: Oh, never mind.
FRASER: Never mind what?
VECCHIO: That your grandmother's behind this.
FRASER: You make no sense, Ray.
In the interrogation room, Ian has hooked himself up to the polygraph. He stands up and waves at the glass.
IAN: I'm ready. I'm ready.
VECCHIO: [getting up to head back in] This guy's a moron.
FRASER: [following him] You won't regret this, Ray.
VECCHIO: I already am.
First of all, people do still say "don't judge a book by its cover." (They also still say "clothes don't make the man," so it's fair to say we all get mixed signals all the time.) Secondly, it's fine for Fraser to want to give Ian a fair shake, but if he did in fact impersonate a cop, that suspect's confession is going to be tossed out and it's Vecchio's closure rate that's going to suffer, so it's perfectly reasonable of Vecchio to be annoyed at best about it.
Vecchio has something under his shirt (a mock turtleneck that otherwise looks quite good) that's making it not lie flat. Is he wearing a chain? It's not a microphone pack, is it? They do boom mikes in TV, right?
Scene 5
Vecchio and Fraser return to the interrogation room.
VECCHIO: Okay, I'm going to give you my lunch hour. You got sixty minutes of my time to waste and that's it. Now let's go.
IAN: You haven't interrogated me yet.
VECCHIO: Don't push your luck. Just unhook yourself from that machine and let's go.
FRASER: Ah, Ray, we're all set up here. Shall we? [Ian clears his throat. Vecchio sits down.] All right. Please state your name.
IAN: My name is Ian McDonald.
FRASER: And what do you do for a living, Ian?
IAN: I operate a tourism business out of Ontario. We take Canadians into the United States on sightseeing tours, which is actually where I met Audrey. The minute I saw her it was magic, like summer lightning. I knew, I knew the minute that I saw her that this was the woman that I would spend the rest of my life with.
FRASER: Yes, I'm sure she was, but before Detective Vecchio changes his mind, I —
IAN: You should have seen her face when I gave her the ring. It was my mother's. The minute I slipped it on her finger, her eyes, they lit up like a kid at Christmas.
VECCHIO: You want to get to the point, please?
IAN: She has blue eyes, just like my mother.
FRASER: And out of the blue, she was abducted.
IAN: Yes. There was a bright light. I couldn't see a thing. We were on the way to the wedding. We'd stopped off for coffee. Audrey's father, the Doge of Venice, had flown in from Switzerland for the ceremony. The guests, strictly A list. Strictly. McQueen, Stallone, Sinatra, Bogart, everybody.
VECCHIO: Look, this is useless, all right? This guy couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it. Bogart's been dead for twenty years.
IAN: Frank Bogart, his younger brother. Big oil man in the Antilles.
VECCHIO: All right, look, give me a blunt object. I'm going to put him out of his misery.
IAN: Oh yeah? Try it. My father-in-law gave me diplomatic immunity.
FRASER: [looking at the polygraph readout] This is very interesting, Ray.
VECCHIO: What?
FRASER: Well, it would appear that there was a girl.
IAN: Ha. See?
VECCHIO: Shut up.
FRASER: And although she may not have been abducted by aliens, according to this, she was abducted. Of course I suppose we could choose to ignore it.
VECCHIO: No. Let's call the FBI. I can't wait to see the expression on Agent Ford's face when he gets a load of this wacko.
FRASER: Yes, you're right, he won't take the wacko seriously either. Although — [He clears his throat.] — he might find this interesting. [He is looking at the injection site on Ian's arm.]
IAN: Oh. A bee sting. The Eraptor Bogart. Killer bees, hundreds of them.
VECCHIO: Oh, thousands, I'm sure.
IAN: I think the stinger's still in there.
FRASER: It appears to be infected. [looks at the far wall] Great Scott. Turtles!
IAN: [turns to look] Turtles? [Fraser does something to the injection site.] AAH! POLICE BRUTALITY!
FRASER: I have removed it.
VECCHIO: I see.
IAN: [rises] I expected better of you, sir.
FRASER: Sit down.
IAN: [sits] I'm calling The Hague.
FRASER: Shall we? [He and Vecchio leave the room.]
IAN: As a political prisoner, I demand that you people guarantee my safety under the Geneva Convention.
Okay, where to begin.
- That's not how a polygraph works. The examiner asks yes-or-no questions and begins with at least one where they know the subject is telling the truth (to Ian McDonald: "Is your name Ian McDonald?" "Yes.") and, in my experience, at least one where they have asked the subject to lie (in Chicago, Illinois: "Are we in Ottawa, Ontario?" "Yes.") so they can get a baseline. (Apparently the idea is that a generally honest person will give a subconscious blip at telling even a completely innocuous lie that they have been instructed to tell so this "works"? Spoiler: It doesn't work. And in any event, on a psycho-or-sociopath such as Ian, it wouldn't work anyway, if he's convinced himself that his lies are true.)
- By 1996, when this episode took place, Bogart had been dead for close to 40 years (and of course he didn't have a younger brother).
- Likewise, Steve McQueen died in 1980 (although I'm not positive the first name he mentions is "McQueen;" it's pretty hard to hear, and maybe he said "MacLaine"? or something else? anyone?). Frank Sinatra didn't die until 1998; also Sylvester Stallone was and is still living, but he's not remotely in the same league as the others named, so who knows how Ian is coming up with his "A list."
- There hasn't been a Doge of Venice since 1797 (and it wasn't a hereditary title, so there are no pretenders to it the way there are to some defunct thrones). If there had been a Doge, he wouldn't have had diplomatic immunity in the United States unless he was a diplomat himself—just being a visiting government official ain't it. And if he were a diplomat and had immunity, it might extend to his family members, but "future son-in-law" isn't a family member for that purpose, and he wouldn't (of course) have been Ian's father-in-law until after Ian and Audrey were married.
- Am I the only one who remembers how little Ian thinks of his mother?
"Great Scott. Turtles!" Honestly.
Scene 6
Fraser and Vecchio are outside the interrogation room.
VECCHIO: So what was with the turtles?
FRASER: Well, there were no turtles, Ray.
VECCHIO: Well, I know there were no turtles. What were you doing?
FRASER: Oh, I was simply trying to distract him so that I could remove this.
VECCHIO: A needle. So, what, is he on drugs?
FRASER: Oh, I didn't see any signs consistent with prolonged drug usage, a.k.a. [big air quotes] "track marks." And Ian hardly seems the kind of fellow who needs help to escape from reality. But perhaps we should ask him.
VECCHIO: So he can tell us that it's an immunization shot for his honeymoon with the Doge? I don't think so.
FRASER: Well, in that case, Ray, we shall have to ask whoever it is that put this there.
VECCHIO: [sigh] Well, look, you only got sixty minutes.
FRASER: Why only sixty?
VECCHIO: Because that's my lunch hour.
FRASER: Understood.
VECCHIO: Okay, and under no circumstances is that little liar going to set foot in my car.
Ian opens the interrogation room door, still hooked up to the wires.
IAN: All right, we'll take my car.
VECCHIO: You have a car?
IAN: Yes, I have a car.
So the needle in scene 1 broke off in his skin? Ow, and also, sloppy. Meanwhile: Is this the first time Fraser tries to be hip and use lingo? Look at him with his air quotes on "track marks." Adorable.
Scene 7
Ian's car is a blue van that says "tour bus" on the front and has a big rocket mounted on top. Fraser and Vecchio are not the only passengers; the bus is full of old people.
IAN: Well? What do you think? It's on loan from NASA. They were having financial difficulty with their Space Shuttle program, and they were having a fire sale.
FRASER: Well, it's very roomy.
OLD MAN: [to Vecchio] Do you mind? There's a draft. It's very bad for the lumbago.
VECCHIO: No, not at all. [He trades places with the old man, bumping into another old man on his way.] Excuse me.
SECOND OLD MAN: Certainly.
VECCHIO: These your A-list clients?
IAN: Hey, just because a person is old doesn't mean they can't have an open mind and a desire to explore the unknown. Besides, with compound interest a person's net worth by age sixty-five is a remarkable thing. [He pumps his fist.] Grey power! You'd do well to remember that.
SECOND OLD MAN: Who needs Myrtle Beach when you have the opportunity of a lifetime? We took one look at this brochure and said to ourselves, if we walk to the market instead of taking a taxi, eat a little less on Friday, buy wholesale, we could have this. [Someone with blue sleeves is slipping Diefenbaker treats.]
SECOND OLD MAN'S WIFE: Why sit home watching Donahue and, and hear about someone else's sightings when you have a chance to get off the couch and see it for yourself?
FRASER: May I?
SECOND OLD MAN: Certainly.
FRASER: Thank you.
SECOND OLD MAN'S WIFE: A close encounter. It's guaranteed in the brochure.
IAN: There are all kinds of close encounters.
FRASER: So it would appear.
VECCHIO: [reading from the brochure] "See base twenty-four, home of hangar fifty-seven, the U.S. government's top secret UFO intelligence operation. Tour the base, meet the aliens, take a ride on a real flying saucer." You're actually charging money for this?
IAN: With a money-back guarantee.
VECCHIO: It's a line of bull.
SECOND OLD MAN: The best part is the skywatch.
IAN: Hundreds of spaceships from every galaxy gather around in an interplanetary display of precision flying.
SECOND OLD MAN'S WIFE: Norman flew during the war.
SECOND OLD MAN (NORMAN): Now, dear.
NORMAN'S WIFE (DEAR): And our son's a pilot. It's been a long time since I've seen him.
FRASER: Well, he's probably busy.
DEAR: I miss him.
LADY WITH BLUE SLEEVES: What a nice doggie.
FRASER: Well, he's a wolf, actually. And he's on a diet. [to Diefenbaker] That's enough. [Diefenbaker grumbles. Fraser rolls his eyes.]
LADY IN A PINK HAT: Nice piece of fried chicken, Mr. Glassman?
OLD MAN (MR. GLASSMAN): It gives me heartburn.
BLUE SLEEVES: [to Pink Hat] I told you you should have made boiled. [to Mr. Glassman] Rump roast, honey?
MR. GLASSMAN: Allergic.
IAN: Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll look to the left, you'll notice we're passing through Jackson. In nineteen-eighty-three, I myself personally witnessed a spaceship suck the milk out of an entire herd of cows. Moo.
The old people are, amazingly, interested by this. Vecchio is oddly amused. Fraser is not unimpressed. The van drives by a sign welcoming them to Rosewell, Illinois (population 1,280).
There is no such place as Rosewell, IL (and that's not what highway signs look like in the United States, either). There's a Roselle in the Chicago area; in the mid-90s about 21,000 people lived there. In 1983, Ian (if he's the same age as the actor playing him; Rino Romano was born in 1969) would have been about 14, which isn't totally implausible (the way the spaceship drying up a whole herd of cows is). Moo.
Blue Sleeves and Pink Hat competing to feed Mr. Glassman (who has lumbago, which is just lower back pain) just make me tired. I'm much more interested in Norman and Dear and their pilot son who doesn't visit. I'm sure we won't hear any more about him, and this will be a tiny sad moment like Agent Cortez growing up in Nezahualcóyotl and nothing at all made of it, and that's a damn shame. I mean, nice slivers of performances from these guests, but unexamined possibilities for depths to the story, right? Tsk.
Scene 8
They have arrived at the Constellation Motel. A guy is on the roof repainting the sign.
IAN: Okay, gang. We meet at the mission room for a briefing at fifteen-hundred hours. That's, uh, three o'clock for those of you not yet on space time.
The old people start to head inside. Blue Sleeves and Pink Hat pass Fraser.
PINK HAT: He's such a nice boy.
BLUE SLEEVES: I love his dog.
Diefenbaker gives Fraser a "wtf?" look. Fraser looks at Vecchio and shrugs. They head off toward room six.
VECCHIO: [scornfully] Space time. Fellow travelers.
IAN: Yeah, UFOs. Hundreds of them. Thousands. They all come here. This is, like, the Woodstock of psychic fairs. This place is famous, the Constellation. This is where Mick stays when nostalgia traveling and where Muhammad Ali and George Foreman had their secret meeting before the fight. But you didn't hear that from me, okay? And this, of course, is where I met Audrey.
VECCHIO: This is where you and Audrey had coffee?
IAN: Hey. My fiancée you're talking about, pal.
VECCHIO: Oh, forgive me.
IAN: God. It was terrible. When the aliens ripped her out of my arms, I fought like a wild man, but what are you going to say to a spaceman when he's got a laser nerve disruptor pointed at your head?
VECCHIO: "Beam me up"?
IAN: Hey, listen, pal, I've had about enough of you, all right? Why don't you just keep your sarcasm to yourself and your mind on your job. I'm talking about the woman I love here.
VECCHIO: Okay.
IAN: All right, now, look, it's a real disaster area in there, so just keep your cool. I wanted to preserve the integrity of the crime scene. [He unlocks and opens the door.] Come on.
They go in, and the room is pristine. Fraser and Vecchio look at him. He is a little confused but looks like he's already coming up with a way to explain. In a car on the other side of the motel parking lot, someone is on a walkie-talkie.
GUY IN THE CAR: We've found him. But he's not alone.
GUY ON THE RADIO: Continue surveillance. Don't let them out of your sight.
"Mick" refers of course to Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger, and "the fight" in question is the 1974 Rumble in the Jungle, which, why would Ali and Foreman have had a secret meeting in Rosewell, Illinois, before a boxing match in Kinshasa?
Scene 9
Fraser is looking at the table where Ian hit his head.
IAN: Right here. I'm telling you, there was blood everywhere, the walls, the ceilings. Rivers of it.
FRASER: You know, Ian, ordinarily I am inclined to believe you, but even if this room had been scoured clean, there should be a crack in the finish, and the particle board would have soaked up traces of blood. This dresser has obviously been replaced. [to Diefenbaker, who is eating potato chips] Excuse me. That could be evidence. [Diefenbaker grumbles and licks his chops.] Hopeless.
VECCHIO: [on the hotel room phone] Yeah, get me a taxi. . . . Chicago. . . . Chicago. . . . I know it's sixty miles. . . . I know it's a long trip. . . . Yes, I have money. . . . [in disbelief] Tomorrow?
FRASER: [examining the doorframe] Kicked in?
IAN: Right off its hinges. They must have used their antigravity boots.
VECCHIO: Yeah, and they took the yellow pages, too.
He heads right out of the room past them. Fraser follows him. Ian waits for Diefenbaker to leave the room before he closes the door.
I don't know how Fraser gets from "ordinarily I am inclined to believe you, but" to "this dresser has obviously been replaced." It sounds like he's saying the absence of evidence is evidence of absence, which we know is a fallacy.
Scene 10
The three of them (and Diefenbaker) are walking along the motel terrace.
FRASER: The dresser's been replaced. The door jamb has been repaired and painted.
VECCHIO: I'm not listening. Because every time I listen, he says something stupid, and you back him up.
IAN: And the aliens took my stuff. Blaupunkt stereo, closet full of Versace. Hey, you would think that these higher life forms would have a more developed sense of ethics. Maybe they were bad aliens.
FRASER: [to the guy on the roof painting the sign] Excuse me, sir. Excuse me. Could you perhaps tell me if you saw anyone going into room six within the last . . . [He looks at Ian.]
IAN: Fifteen and a half hours.
FRASER: . . . fifteen and a half hours?
GUY ON THE ROOF: Yep.
FRASER: Could you possibly describe them to me?
GUY ON THE ROOF: Yep.
FRASER: Do you think you could describe them to me now?
GUY ON THE ROOF: Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me guess. CIA, right?
FRASER: No. Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Constable Benton Fraser.
GUY ON THE ROOF: Bob. [There is a pause.] Where's your horse?
FRASER: Well, I, I don't have one. I have a wolf, if, if that will help you any?
GUY ON THE ROOF (BOB): You ride him?
FRASER: No, he's deaf.
BOB: Two guys. Pulled up in a Ford Explorer around, ah, six a.m., I guess. I was waiting for the primer to dry and went to get a cup of coffee, couldn't have been gone, oh, twenty minutes. Come back, those fellas were gone, nothing missing, why make a fuss?
VECCHIO: Finally, a reasonable explanation. Are you the owner?
BOB: No.
VECCHIO: Are you the caretaker?
BOB: No.
VECCHIO: What do you do?
BOB: I build ships. When that baby's finished she'll be an exact replica.
FRASER: An exact replica of . . . ?
BOB: [confidentially] The one in my basement.
FRASER: Ah. Well, thank you kindly.
VECCHIO: I am so glad we asked. [They walk away.]
IAN: What are you guys doing? That guy is a material witness! Put him in protective custody!
Blaupunkt was a high-end manufacturer of car stereos (and Versace a major fashion designer, of course), which is to say, Ian continues to just make shit up. (I don't see why Diefenbaker's hearing has anything to do with why Fraser doesn't ride him, but the whole conversation with Bob-the-sign-painter is a little bizarre, so probably best not to probe further.)
Scene 11
Fraser, Vecchio, and Ian go to the motel front desk.
IAN: Okay. Two aliens in a Ford Bronco. Simple explanation. They are exerting mind control over the Ford Motor Company and using them to cover their tracks.
VECCHIO: How do I get out of this town?
MOTEL CLERK: Left at the corner.
VECCHIO: Well, I don't have a car.
MOTEL CLERK: Then you have a problem.
VECCHIO: You have no idea. Is there a car rental agency?
MOTEL CLERK: Apollo Thirteen rentals.
VECCHIO: How about a bus?
MOTEL CLERK: Last one went through an hour ago.
VECCHIO: Does the space shuttle fly over any time soon?
MOTEL CLERK: Ask Bob.
VECCHIO: I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a dull spoon. [Fraser looks out the window to where Diefenbaker is sitting next to Bob. A white Ford Explorer drives by. Back inside, the motel clerk is offering Vecchio a plastic spoon.] No, no, it's just an expression. [to Ian] Mind control over the Ford Motor Company. What's the matter with you?
FRASER: Well, you know, Ray, on the surface, it does appear to be slightly far-fetched —
VECCHIO: Look, Fraser, we are talking to a man who lies with a skill equal only to used car salesmen and presidents.
IAN: Thank you.
FRASER: Ray, if you ignore the facts, you ignore the truth. Now, the fact is that we have a witness that can corroborate that there was strange activity in Ian's room this morning.
VECCHIO: Yeah, and I bet you if we ask him who killed Kennedy and where Jimmy Hoffa is, he'd probably tell us little green men in his basement did it.
IAN: No, that was the mob.
VECCHIO: All right, now, look, if you can get one truth to come out of his mouth, I'll stay, but that's the best I can do.
FRASER: Fair enough.
VECCHIO: All right. [to the clerk] Now, what about food. Can you manage that?
MOTEL CLERK: Try the bar.
FRASER: Thank you kindly.
VECCHIO: Okay. You guys got however long it takes for me to chomp down a burger.
There continue to be conspiracy theories about the 1963 assassination of U.S. President John F. Kennedy. Jimmy Hoffa was a labor activist who disappeared without a trace in 1975 and was declared dead in 1982. He was born in 1913, so there's a chance he was still living in 1996 if in fact he wasn't murdered and thoroughly disposed of in the 70s; by now, of course, he's long gone no matter what happened to him when he disappeared.
Bob said Ford Explorer, and Ian said Ford Bronco. Was that a script mistake, or was Ian reflexively modifying the story on the fly because nothing he says is quite accurate?
Scene 12
IAN: You guys are going to love this place. It's four-star. They have the best pickled pork in the tri-state area. [A mohawked biker dude comes around the corner, snarls at them, and walks by.]
VECCHIO: Friend of yours?
IAN: Security.
FRASER: Uh, actually, Ian, I believe that the tri-state area consists of New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut.
IAN: Oh, but they come from there, and from everywhere else, to eat here.
MOTEL CLERK: [comes out the door] Ian!
IAN: Yeah?
MOTEL CLERK: Your group is waiting.
IAN: Oh. Okay. Can you load them on the bus? And just give them some of those maps to the aliens' homes. Thanks a lot. [She gives him a simpering smile.] Isn't she great?
VECCHIO: Mm-hmm.
I'm a little alarmed by "pickled pork" (and by what I'm finding when I google it), but it seems like according to some recipes it might be not unlike corned beef, only made from ham? In other recipes it seems to involve preserving Other Parts Of The Pig in vinegar solutions, and that's where I check out. Feel free to reassure me about the deliciousness of pickled pork, to do your own research, or to imagine pulled pork instead. In any event it doesn't seem to be a Chicago-area specialty, so who knows where Ian is coming up with these lines.
Unusually, however, it is Fraser who is furthest off base this time: The New York City tri-state area is a tri-state area, but it's not the only one, and if you're not in it or talking about it specifically there's no particular reason to assume that's the tri-state area you're referring to if you use the phrase tri-state area, is there? Especially in Chicagoland, which is . . . also . . . a tri-state area?
Scene 13
The cop, the Mountie, and the pathological liar walk into the bar. Music cue: "Calling Occupants (of Interplanetary Craft)" by Klaatu. The song plays in the background; this is not a montage. The place is sort of a step between a diner and a Ruby Tuesday, but decorated with an extreme spaceman, glittery-robe, the-truth-is-out-there theme.
IAN: Well, this is it. This is where Audrey and I had our engagement party. Quite the shindig, I can tell you.
FRASER: Well, is there anyone you recognize from last night?
IAN: You know, it's hard to say. All I could see was Audrey.
FRASER: Well, there probably were other witnesses, Ian.
MUSIC: ♫ . . . the recitation we're about to sing. Calling occupants of interplanetary craft. Calling occupants of interplanetary, most extraordinary craft. ♫
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, maybe we should ask the Space Lady here. She might know something. [looks at the flying-saucer menu] Excuse me. You got anything other than the Skywatch Burger?
WAITRESS: You're not from around here, are you?
VECCHIO: Not unless there are aliens who look like second-generation immigrants.
IAN: Hey, I recognize you. You were behind the bar last night.
WAITRESS: Yeah, and the night before that, and the one before that. [to Fraser] Haven't seen you here before.
MUSIC: ♫ Calling occupants of interplanetary craft. Calling occupants of interplanetary craft. Calling occupants of interplanetary, most extraordinary craft. ♫
FRASER: Ah, no, ma'am, I'm from the Northwest Territories. Now, is it possible that if my friend recognizes you from last night that you might also recognize him from last night?
WAITRESS: Why don't you ask him?
VECCHIO: Oh, that's a long story.
WAITRESS: Yeah, sure, he was here last night.
VECCHIO: What?
FRASER: Well, the Space Lady was just saying —
VECCHIO: I heard, okay?
MUSIC: ♫ You've been observing our earth and we'd like to make contact with you. We are your friends. ♫
WAITRESS: Yeah, he sat right there, actually. You were here with, ah, Audrey McKenna, right?
IAN: Yes! Audrey! Audrey McKenna.
WAITRESS: Yeah. You had a beer, and she had two cosmopolitans. Audrey never has more than one. Must have been a good night.
VECCHIO: Wait, you actually saw this man with the woman that he said he was with, and she was actually being nice to him?
WAITRESS: He's a quick one.
FRASER: Well, ordinarily, yes. Can you tell us where we could find this Audrey McKenna?
MUSIC: ♫ Calling occupants of interplanetary craft. Calling occupants of interplanetary ultra-emissaries . . . ♫
WAITRESS: She's not a townie. She doesn't talk much about herself or her work, which probably means she works on the base.
IAN: She works at the base? Audrey works at the base?
VECCHIO: And this fact never came up? I've given you my lunch hour. I've come all the way out here to Nutsville, USA, to check out your cockamamie story and canvass suspected aliens, only to have the Space Lady here tell me that Audrey McKenna may or may not work at a base of which you know nothing about?
IAN: I knew everything I needed to know about her, okay?
VECCHIO: Like what?
IAN: Like the important stuff. Like who she was inside. I didn't have to ask her a bunch of stupid questions. I took one look at her, and I knew who she was in here. I always have.
WAITRESS: God, that's beautiful.
IAN: Thanks.
VECCHIO: How long did you know her?
MUSIC: ♫ Calling occupants of interplanetary craft. Calling occupants of interplanetary, quite extraordinary craft. ♫
IAN: I don't know, I came in here last night at about ten o'clock, and she came in at about ten-thirty.
VECCHIO: You met her last night?!
IAN: It only takes a moment. My mother used to say that.
WAITRESS: I thought it was Barbra Streisand.
IAN: Oh, you know my mother? Hey, her next album's going to be a killer.
VECCHIO: All right, that's it. Come on, I'm going home.
IAN: No, no — no, please. I made a promise.
VECCHIO: Yeah, and she said yes, and then you gave her a ring, and her eyes lit up like it was Christmas, and you all lived happily ever after.
MUSIC: ♫ And please come in peace, we beseech you; only a landing will teach them our earth may never survive. So do come, we beg you, please, interstellar policeman, oh, won't you give us a sign, give us a sign that we've reached you. ♫
IAN: No, I made a promise to my mother. She gave me that ring before she died. She told me to give it to the one woman that I'd truly love and care for. I told her that I'd give it to the woman that I would be faithful to for the rest of my life. Not like my father. Please. You've got to help me. I have to find her.
FRASER: We should go to the base with him.
VECCHIO: The U.S. Army base.
FRASER: Yes.
VECCHIO: Fraser, the army does not like civilians snooping around their backyard, okay? They kind of respond with heavy ordnance.
IAN: No problem. We'll show them the pass I got from Desert Storm.
FRASER: Excuse me, ma'am. Could you direct us to the base?
WAITRESS: Yeah, make a left, ah, up the road. It's about five miles.
FRASER: Thank you. He made a promise, Ray. To his mother.
IAN: They were the last words she heard. [He raises one hand and puts the other over his heart.]
VECCHIO: Okay, I'll give you an extension.
IAN: Till when?
VECCHIO: Till I change my mind.
MUSIC: ♫ With your mind you have ability to form and transmit thought energy far beyond the norm. ♫
FRASER: Fair enough. Thank you kindly.
Okaaay. So Audrey works at the base, comes into the bar all the time, and picked Ian up only last night? Oh dear. At this point both Fraser and Vecchio are displaying frankly astonishing levels of patience. So is the waitress, to be perfectly honest. Sigh.
Other details from this scene: Vecchio refers to himself as a second-generation immigrant, meaning one or both of his parents was born in (presumably) Italy. They both speak English with regional but not foreign accents, so let's assume they came over as children themselves. Vecchio was born in the early 1960s, meaning his parents were born not later than about the early 1940s, so maybe his grandparents left Italy after (or, if they saw which way the wind was blowing, just before; or, if they were fortunate, during) the Second World War.
The Barbra Streisand "it only takes a moment" thing is a reference to a song by that name from Hello, Dolly! (1969), in which Barbra Streisand did play Dolly in the film version, but she does not sing on that number; it's a Michael Crawford solo. Barbra Streisand's only (known) child, incidentally, is Jason Gould, b. 1966, so the timing is theoretically plausible, but of course she is not Ian's mother; for one thing, he talked about his mother and his childhood last time we saw him, as I said.
Operation Desert Storm was the name for the second, active war-fighting, phase of the 1991 Persian Gulf War, following Operation Desert Shield (the much longer first buildup phase). What a time that was. Nobody thinks Ian had anything to do with it, least of all anything that would get him a "pass" onto an army base five years later.
Scene 14
Ian is back in the driver's seat of his tour bus.
IAN: Nineteen-eighty-four. Ten p.m. Tuesday. A little red blip appears on the radar screen at the Illinois Weather Tracking Station. At first, the radar technician thinks nothing of it, he thinks that it's an aircraft, but when that little red blip breaks up into four other blips and flies off in separate directions, he knows something is amiss. Ladies and gentlemen, I now ask you to close your eyes and imagine yourselves back in that radar station.
VECCHIO: Why am I already regretting this?
FRASER: I can't imagine.
VECCHIO: We don't even know what she looks like.
IAN: [grabs a strip of photos from his sun visor] Engagement photos.
VECCHIO: These are from a dollar photo booth.
IAN: Well, of course they are. After what happened with her brother and Princess Di, Audrey's family didn't want the pictures falling into the hands of the tabloids. [He starts the van and drives off, continuing his story. A white SUV follows the van.] By the time NORAD receives the mysterious signal, hundreds of fighter pilots have been deployed. Ten-fifteen. Sam Norbert's farm. Lights of red, green, and blue descend and encircle his barn. Hundreds of telephone calls swarm the Evanston Police Department. Our men in blue spring into action. Squad cars are scattered all over the city, responding to reported sightings — sightings of unidentified flying objects. [The old people are impressed.] Ladies and gentlemen, to your immediate right, I present the site of the first reported landing of an alien spaceship. Right there beyond the trees. [Mr. Glassman is taking pictures.]
VECCHIO: How does it feel to belong to the same gene pool?
FRASER: What do you mean, Ray?
VECCHIO: He's bilking them.
FRASER: Well, they seem happy enough.
VECCHIO: [to Ian] Hey, when does the real estate scam kick in?
IAN: These people are from the Sunset Retirement home, okay? Some of these people haven't been out of their bathrobes in seven years. Right, Murray?
MR. GLASSMAN: Eight. Angina.
NORMAN: [looks through binoculars, reads a sign as they're passing it] Warning, no trespassing beyond this point, photography is prohibited.
The sign says "ROSEWELL ARMY RESEARCH STATION RESTRICTED AREA / NO TRESPASSING BEYOND THIS POINT / PHOTOGRAPHY IS PROHIBITED". Smaller print at the bottom says "WARNING/ It is unlawful to enter this area without permission of the installation commander. While in this area all persons and the property under their control are subject to search." Mr. Glassman continues taking pictures.
BLUE SLEEVES: Oh, my, you are a risk taker.
PINK HAT: Oh, I love a man that lives on the edge.
BLUE SLEEVES: Shut up.
NORMAN: [still looking through his binocs] There it is. I can read the sign. "Restricted area, no entry, use of deadly force authorized." [The bottom of the sign says "Sec. 20 International Security Act of 1950–30415781." I think. I'm not positive about the digits.]
DEAR: Oh, this is so exciting.
The van pulls up to an intercom box.
VECCHIO: All right, let me handle this.
IAN: Hellooo.
INTERCOM VOICE: State your business.
IAN: Hi, how are you today?
INTERCOM VOICE: State your business. [A camera swivels to look at the van.]
IAN: Is that Brad? Brad "The Bad" Wilson? [Inside, a couple of military police officers, one wearing a hat and one not, can't believe this guy already.] Hey, hey! It's me, Ian McDonald, second battalion, from Fort Bragg. [He waves at the camera.] How're you doing? [thumbs up]
NO HAT: This is not Brad Wilson, and if you do not clearly state your business, we will enforce military law.
IAN: Oh. Well I'm here to pick up my fiancée, Audrey. Audrey McKenna.
NO HAT: [exchanges a glance with Hat] We do not have anyone by that name here, sir.
IAN: Well, that's kind of weird. I mean, she told me to meet her right here at the front gate. [Fraser is very uncomfortable. So is Vecchio.] Just — just tell her I'm here.
NO HAT: Sir, you will proceed no further, and you will turn that vehicle around immediately.
Ian gives the camera a thumbs up and inches the van forward, nosing at the traffic barrier arm.
FRASER: Ian, I, I don't think that's probably what —
VECCHIO: Ian, stop the van.
Ian drives right through the barrier arm, breaking it off. The camera swivels to follow the van.
NO HAT: We have a security breach at gate two, a security breach at gate two.
VECCHIO: Ian, stop the damn van!
IAN: I know what I'm doing. [Fraser moves to the front of the van to take control of it from Ian. He sticks his foot in front of Ian and steps on the brake.]
VECCHIO: We got company.
Many, many, many military vehicles are blocking the road. Heavily armed military personnel in BDUs scramble out of them and train their weapons at the van. Fraser opens the door and is the first to step down.
VOICE ON LOUDSPEAKER: All those inside the bus, exit with your hands above your heads. You are all under arrest.
IAN: Okay, boys. No need to panic. Hold your friendly fire.
FRASER: All right, everyone stay calm, just do what they say.
VECCHIO: [to Ian] Yeah, you keep talking. [to Fraser] Any luck, they'll shoot him.
Fraser nods as the old people and Diefenbaker continue to disembark.
In the comments I'm putting a list of all the units called "2nd battalion" (as of the mid-1990s, post–Gulf War but pre–9/11 War on Terror) I can find in a few minutes of what I think is fairly thorough Wikipedia mining. The ones in bold are or ever have been quartered at Fort Bragg. We'll come back to that in a second.
I'm not sure I can get behind Fraser's eh-they-seem-happy attitude toward the way Ian is taking advantage of these senior citizens. Or Vecchio's indignation on their behalf, frankly. It's not that there aren't fair-ish points to be made on both sides, the way Ian is talking about how a person who's been sitting in a bathrobe for seven years (in a retirement home that goes ahead and names itself "Sunset," JFC) deserves to have some excitement in their life. Of course they don't deserve to have to go hungry on Fridays to finance a con artist's lifestyle. Elder abuse is a genuine problem, although taking care not to infantilize the elderly is also a fine line to walk. Basically in this scene I feel like it would have made more sense if Fraser and Vecchio's opinions had been reversed, only of course Vecchio thinks so little of Ian that he was never going to be the one to say "anh, who's he hurting," was he?
There does not seem to be any such law as the International Security Act of 1950, but that second sign Norman reads through his binoculars is the first one on any type of fencing; the first sign, the one that says "no trespassing beyond this point," is just there by the side of the road, like, they haven't made a huge effort to keep people out, have they? Still, Ian's driving through the gate is the biggest misstep he's done in the entire time we've known him, and everyone in this scene is lucky the MPs waited for the van to stop and are only threatening to shoot them all rather than shooting the van first and asking questions later, if ever. I suppose the fact that it's the mid-1990s rather than post-2001 is helping them quite a lot here.
Oh: NORAD is the North American Aerospace Defense Command. And Princess Di (look, she's been gone for 25 years, so despite the fact that I feel like the mid-1990s in which this show was set were literally just the other day, I have no way anymore to calibrate what's obvious to young people who are grown adults) was Diana (née Spencer), Princess of Wales (1961–1997), whose marriage to Prince Charles [AS HE IS STILL KNOWN AS I AM PREPARING THIS ANNOTATION ON 8 SEPTEMBER 2022]
was over in all but name by the time this episode aired; their divorce was final in August 1996, but they'd been separated since 1992 and both carrying on with others outside the marriage since at least 1986. The Audrey's-brother-and-Diana stuff is something Ian just made up, of course, probably right on the spot, but the timing is at least plausible.
Scene 15
Ian, Fraser, and Vecchio are lined up in front of Ian's passengers.
FRASER: Good afternoon. My name is Constable Benton Fraser. This is my wolf Diefenbaker. [Diefenbaker has Fraser's hat in his mouth.] May I? [The MPs allow him to lower his hands so he can get his hat.] And now introducing, from the left — [He starts to move around to make the introductions; the MPs raise their guns.] Understood.
NO HAT: [who is now wearing a hat] This is a maximum security military base. What part of "don't move" didn't you understand?
IAN: Brad, you've changed, man. We were Semper Fi! Compadres! We swore we'd go down together.
VECCHIO: [stepping forward] Excuse me. Could you shoot him?
NO HAT: [cocks his gun] Back in line!
FRASER: If I may explain, this gentleman's fiancée —
IAN: Audrey McKenna.
FRASER: — yes — she either is or once was an employee at this base, and we were wondering if perhaps you could shed some light on her rather sudden disappearance.
NORMAN: Yes, take us to your leader.
NO HAT: [looks at them all for a moment, then speaks to an underling] Take these three. [The underling starts to lead Fraser, Vecchio, and Ian away. No Hat speaks to someone else in his team.] Leave two men with the others. [He goes with the lead character group.]
DEAR: [to one of the two men staying with the senior citizen group] Have you seen my son? He was a pilot, you know.
SOLDIER: No, ma'am.
"Semper Fi" is the motto of the United States Marines, of which there are no 2nd battalions at Fort Bragg. No wonder No Hat is making that face at everything Ian says.
Meanwhile, I have asked permission before moving my head when I was having my hair done. You'd better believe I wouldn't be stepping out of line, no matter where my hands were, if I had a whole squadron of military police pointing AR-15s at me.
Scene 16
In an office. The nameplate on the desk says Col. Shank.
SHANK: Aliens? [He chuckles.] Well, Mr. McDonald, if your fiancée has indeed been captured by, ah, creatures from outer space, I'm afraid I can provide you with little comfort. This base is military, pure and simple, notwithstanding your, ah, brochure. [He waves the brochure and chuckles again.]
IAN: [He chuckles too.] Well, you can laugh if you want, but that's a very high quality program. And what about Audrey? Does she work here or not?
SHANK: Well, she's your fiancée. I would think you would know, hmm? Lieutenant!
(LT.) NO HAT: There's no Audrey McKenna on the personnel roster, sir. I've checked the computer back ten years.
VECCHIO: What a shock.
SHANK: Sorry we can't help you, Detective.
VECCHIO: No problem, Colonel. Sorry for the intrusion. [starts to lead Ian out of the office]
FRASER: [takes the photo booth printout out of his hat] Is it, uh, possible that — that you might recognize this woman? Perhaps by a different name? [He hands the photos to Lt. No Hat, who hands them to Col. Shank, who does at least look at the picture before answering.]
SHANK: 'Fraid we still can't help you. She's very beautiful, though. You two make a very happy couple. I, uh, hope you find her.
IAN: [taking the pictures back] Oh, really? Then why don't you just tell me where she is, then, huh?
FRASER: Thank you, Colonel. [Now he and Vecchio both want Ian to come with them.]
IAN: You believe him?
VECCHIO: Come on.
IAN: No, wait a second, don't you people see a coverup? Ohh, you're telling me aliens are just going to fall out of the sky —
FRASER: [leans back over the desk as Vecchio hustles Ian out of the room] Thank you kindly.
IAN: — and the U.S. Army is going to just let them snatch people away —
VECCHIO: Let's go. Come on.
IAN: — from the ones they love?
VECCHIO: You don't want to get arrested.
IAN: No! Wait a second. [Vecchio drags him from the room. Fraser follows. Another officer goes as well and shuts the office door.]
LT. NO HAT: Continue surveillance, sir?
SHANK: Yes. Keep an eye on them until they leave town. [Lt. No Hat leaves the office. Shank picks up the phone.] Get me the lab.
I think we're supposed to understand that Lt. No Hat is probably lying when he says he's checked the personnel files and Col. Shank definitely does recognize Audrey's photograph. He's a smarmy sumbitch, isn't he, that colonel?
Scene 17
Fraser, Vecchio, and Ian are crossing the yard in the middle of the base, escorted by the guy who shut the door behind them.
FRASER: They know her. Or at least they know who she is.
VECCHIO: Junior officer. I noticed that. His eyes, right? Just before he talked about Audrey, he looked away.
FRASER: He didn't even look at her picture.
VECCHIO: And what about the colonel? The colonel never blinked.
FRASER: Not once.
VECCHIO: Yeah. But he's in on it, too.
FRASER: I think so, yes.
A while SUV with license plate 905 pulls up to a hangar door labeled "57." A blonde woman in a red jacket comes out and gets in the back seat.
VECCHIO: So how do you know? His sweat?
FRASER: No.
VECCHIO: Shallow breathing?
FRASER: N-o.
VECCHIO: Dilated pupils?
FRASER: Not that I noticed.
VECCHIO: So how do you know?
FRASER: His tabletop.
VECCHIO: Ah, his tabletop.
FRASER: Yes, his tabletop.
VECCHIO: His tabletop?
FRASER: His tabletop, Ray. Audrey McKenna's file was on his tabletop. [They realize that Ian is looking at the white SUV.]
VECCHIO: What?
IAN: That was Audrey. In the red parka. I just saw her get into that Bronco.
VECCHIO: Oh, come on. [They turn and keep walking.]
IAN: Right. What was I thinking?
He follows them for two steps, then turns and runs after the SUV. Fraser, Vecchio, and their military escort run after him.
MILITARY ESCORT: [into his walkie-talkie] The kid with the rocket's on the loose again.
Ian jumps into the back of an army transport van. Another white SUV rolls up.
LT. NO HAT: Get in. [Fraser gets in the front; Vecchio and the military escort get in the back.] The colonel wants to see you.
Point of order: Lt. No Hat did look at Audrey's picture, but only very briefly. Other than that, I'm vaguely gratified to have this immediate confirmation that I was right about the sketchiness both of that lieutenant and of Col. Shank. I appreciate Vecchio's callback to Fraser's technique of determining people's truthfulness by their bodily fluids. I don't know why Fraser chooses to spell "no" in that one instance. And I have no idea why he says Audrey's file was on Shank's tabletop rather than using the perfectly normal word "desk," though I concede he did glance down at the desk as he was leaning over to thank them kindly before he left the office, that sneaky bastard. 😄
Scene 18
Two MPs are frog-marching Ian through the corridors.
IAN: I demand you take me to the colonel's office. When my grandfather, Admiral Nimitz, finds out about this, oh-ho-ho, you people are in some serious trouble. You guys do not want to mess with the man who's named after a battleship, I'll tell you right now. [They drag him into the colonel's office. A blonde woman in a red jacket is there. Ian grabs her and turns her around.] Audrey!
WOMAN: [This is not Audrey.] Get your hands off me!
IAN: You're not, wh— what have you done to Audrey?
SHANK: [as Fraser and Vecchio come in] Gentlemen, I thought we'd covered this ground. [to the woman] Do you know this man?
WOMAN: No, sir.
SHANK: Have you ever seen him before today?
WOMAN: No, sir.
SHANK: Your friend here seems to think that Specialist Johnson is this person Audrey. In fact, he chased her halfway across the base, endangering himself and members of my command. Now, if you don't mind, my assistant and I have reports to get back to. And, gentlemen, if I catch you or your friend here on the base, no matter how good the reason, I'll arrest you, call your superior officers, and make sure that traffic duty is all either of you ever see for a very, very long time. Do I make myself plain?
FRASER: Very plain, sir.
VECCHIO: Come on, Ian.
IAN: I saw her. It's true.
SHANK: Gentlemen.
FRASER: Yes, Colonel. [He tries to walk Ian out of the office.]
IAN: [shakes their hands off, walks out on his own] You guys don't believe anything.
Once they leave, the woman (Spec. Johnson) takes off her red jacket. Shank nods to Lt. No Hat, who opens a door; Audrey comes through, wearing a lab coat, and Johnson gives her back her red jacket before she leaves the room.
SHANK: You've put this project in jeopardy. I cannot allow that.
Audrey nods and leaves the office.
Audrey is real! She works at the base, in the lab, and everyone in military uniform is lying. Poor Ian. He makes so much shit up that even Fraser doesn't believe him when he's telling the truth and someone else is gaslighting him. Admiral Nimitz was, of course, not named for the battleship—rather the other way around—and he died in 1966, so even if he was Ian's grandfather (with long generations, it could happen), he'd be unlikely to be outraged about the present situation.
Scene 19
It is nighttime. The senior citizens are sitting in lawn chairs around a campfire near the base's chain link fence looking up at the stars.
DEAR: Watch the sky, Norman. Do you think that's them?
NORMAN: Where?
DEAR: That little twinkling light.
PINK HAT: Is it shaped like a flying saucer?
BLUE SLEEVES: Oh, don't be silly, Edna. [A falling star falls.] Saucers were just made up. No, it'll look like — like the shuttle. You know, a plane with rocket boosters.
DEAR: You think so?
BLUE SLEEVES: Oh, yes.
DEAR: Our son flies planes.
NORMAN: Not any more, dear. [to the others] Uh, he died. In the war.
DEAR: That's what they said. But I think he's up there with them.
PINK HAT (EDNA): What do you think, Mr. Glassman?
MR. GLASSMAN: I think this chair is killing me.
EDNA: Oh, take mine —
MR. GLASSMAN: No, no —
BLUE SLEEVES: Take mine, I insist —
MR. GLASSMAN: — no, no, no, stay where you are.
EDNA: — would you be more comfortable?
Ian and Fraser and Vecchio are a little further away from the group.
IAN: It's a star. You know, you'd think people get to a certain age, they'd stop kidding themselves.
VECCHIO: Look who's talking. It's like the pot calling the kettle black. Your story's nothing but full of malarkey.
IAN: Hey, my story is not malarkey.
VECCHIO: Your story's full of malarkey. You know it, and I know it, and he knows it.
FRASER: Ray, Ray, Audrey McKenna's file was on the desk in that base. And yet no one seemed willing to admit that she was in any way connected to it. Don't you find that even vaguely curious?
VECCHIO: That woman was not kidnapped by aliens or by anybody else. She is on that base, and she doesn't want to be found, especially by him.
IAN: You're wrong about that, my friend.
VECCHIO: I am not wrong, and I am not your friend, okay? This whole thing is a figment of your imagination.
IAN: No, man. No, she made a big mistake. And when she realizes it, she's going to come running right back to me.
VECCHIO: All right, that's it, that's it. Time for a wakeup call, pal. [He throws off his blanket and stands up.]
IAN: What, you don't think she's crying her eyes out right now?
VECCHIO: Not unless she's cutting onions.
IAN: You're harsh, man. You are really harsh.
FRASER: Ray —
VECCHIO: Look, sooner or later he's going to have to face the facts, all right? Now, look, kid. You're not the first guy to be taken to the cleaners.
FRASER: What Ray is trying to say is —
VECCHIO: What Ray is trying to say is, a girl sees a guy in a bar, namely you. She's got maybe a half-hour to kill. Now, you're not the best-looking guy in the joint, but compared to the locals, you're Brad Pitt. She bats her eyelashes, she gets you into bed, and after your fifteen minutes are up, she takes your ring on the way out the door as a souvenir. It happens. We've all been there. We all know the drill.
IAN: Yeah. Yeah, what — I forgot about the drill. [He gets up and walks away. Vecchio sits back down.]
FRASER: Well, that, that — that really — really seems to have helped, Ray. [He gets up and goes to follow Ian.]
VECCHIO: Yeah, great, great, go ahead, you too, go. Leave me here to look for aliens. No such thing.
NORMAN: They're going to miss the skywatch.
BLUE SLEEVES: [feeding treats to Diefenbaker] Such a good eater.
EDNA: [to Mr. Glassman] Do you like dogs?
MR. GLASSMAN: Fur. Gives me hives.
Norman and his wife are standing in front of where the others are sitting.
DEAR: Son?
She drops her mug. In the sky, a flickering light that is brighter than the other stars seems to be moving.
Okay, well, I was way wrong about Norman and Dear's son who never visits, and that's very sad. (It's also sad that Ian seems to be genuinely surprised and a little remorseful that his
marksclients are continuing to buy what he's selling them.) It's not clear what war their son was killed in. They appear to be in their early 70s, so Norman was probably born in the mid-1920s and probably fought in WWII. Their son was likely a little older than Fraser, probably born in the early to mid-1950s. If he was born as early as 1950, he'd have been 18 in 1968, of course.
- Canada was famously not involved in the Vietnam War.
- The next war a Canadian fighter pilot would have flown in was the Persian Gulf War, in which Canada suffered no casualties.
- The Canadian Airborne Regiment participated in United Nations peacekeeping efforts in Somalia in the early 1990s, but they disgraced themselves so badly they were soon afterwards disbanded; they lost one member in that action, but he was apparently (a) killed in a rifle-cleaning accident and (b) a rotter, so let's not assume that Norman and Dear's late son had anything to do with those guys.
- Canada appears to have taken no casualties in NATO operations in Bosnia and only four wounded in the Croatian war of independence (relating to the breakup of Yugoslavia in 1992–1995).
So I'm stumped.
I also don't know what's going on with this star field. There is a prominent shape that looks like one of the Dippers, upside down and not far above the horizon, which is wrong—when the Big Dipper is facing down like that in the evening, it's springtime and the thing is higher in the sky, and in the winter when it's lower, the dipper is standing up on its handle; the Little Dipper faces downward like that in the fall—and in any event, the shape is wrong, too, because the handle is too much in line with the edge of the bowl. The rest of the brighter shapes are confusing also. If the dipper thing is the Big Dipper, it looks like Orion's belt and knees are over to the left, but backwards and in the wrong place, and either Orion's shoulders (wrong) or one of the Gemini (plausible?) are up in the top left corner; and maybe that's meant to be Boötes on the right? If the dipper thing is the Little Dipper, I don't even know what to make of the rest of the shapes. In short, this star field is made up and does not represent what these characters would be seeing in northern Illinois in February or in fact anywhere in the world at any time.
Fraser is very salty at Vecchio for the way he's handling Ian, isn't he? Fraser knows how it is to have a woman chew him up and spit him out, doesn't he; is that what Vecchio means when he says "We've all been there"? And whom is he referring to in his own case? Special Agent Chapin of the ATF?
Scene 20
Fraser joins Ian, who is loading deck chairs back into the van.
FRASER: So that's it, then.
IAN: He's right. I'm an idiot. I know a girl for five minutes, and all of a sudden I want to marry her, and then I give her my mother's ring, just like that.
FRASER: So you're packing it in, you're going to leave?
IAN: Thirty-five years she wore that ring, she did not take it off her finger once until the day she died. And I gave it away for nothing.
FRASER: How do you know it was for nothing?
IAN: Because she told me, okay?
FRASER: Oh, she did? When? In the bar?
IAN: She told me.
FRASER: When? While she was being abducted by aliens?
IAN: She told me when —
FRASER: When, Ian? When did she tell you? You see, she didn't tell you anything. Now, I would imagine that you're — that you're afraid to find out, but your alternative is that you live the rest of your life wondering. [Ian looks like he's about to cry.] Now, we will find Audrey. And when we do, you can ask her for yourself. [Ian hugs him.] Okay, that's good. That's enough.
IAN: I wanna — I, I have something for you. [He goes around the van.] Just don't, w— . . . stay here. Don't peek. Close your eyes, close your eyes. Don't peek.
FRASER: All right. [He closes his eyes and leans against the back of the van. Ian jumps in the van and drives. Fraser chases him.] No, no, Ian, that's not what I meant!
Ian is driving the van toward the fenced-in restricted area. Music cue: "See the Light" by Jeff Healey. Fraser jumps onto the back of the van.
VECCHIO: Oh, great.
Vecchio gets up and runs after the van. Fraser climbs up from the back of the van onto the roof. Some lab-coated science types and some uniformed military types and some guys in suits are in a lab with "SECURE AREA" posted above the door, which is standing open. A lot of computers are in there.
GUY IN A LAB COAT: Okay, we've got something coming up here. This could be it.
Ian's van, with Fraser clinging to the roof, is careening around the base. A helicopter is following it with a spotlight.
Can you see the light?
Can you see the light of need shining in my eye?
Can you see the light?
Can you see the light of need shining in my eye?
Well, you know I need you baby
And I sure ain't gonna tell you no lie
(Instrumental break.)
VOICE FROM HELICOPTER: Stop the truck. Pull over.
Ian swerves around corners to lose the helicopter. Fraser swings down onto the side of the van. Ian swerves around another corner. Fraser is positioning himself to climb in the passenger side window. They can hear some more chatter on the helicopter radio before it hails Ian again.
VOICE FROM HELICOPTER: You are trespassing on government property. Pull over and stop. Stop the truck.
FRASER: Ah, Ian? [The helicopter is landing in Ian's path.]
VOICE FROM HELICOPTER: Pull over.
FRASER: I think right now might be quite a good time to stop!
Ian stands on the brake. Fraser goes flying, tearing the passenger door off with him. As he is rolling along the ground, Ian jumps out of the van and runs into a building. Fraser follows him. They are running through a helicopter hangar of some kind. Ian runs down a corridor and collides with a mustached old man in a lab coat coming out of an office.
IAN: Whoa. Jerry! Imagine running into you here. Listen, I can't chat. Nice to see you.
He runs off. Jerry ducks back into his office to call security. Fraser comes running.
FRASER: Excuse me, have you seen — [Jerry looks in the direction Ian ran.] — thank you.
Audrey is looking over Lab Coat's shoulder in the secure area. They are looking at some blips on a radar screen.
AUDREY: Let's hope it's not another weather balloon.
GUY IN A LAB COAT: No, this looks like the real thing.
AUDREY: We've got contact. Let's get ready, people.
Can you see the light?
Can you see the light of love shining from my heart?
Can you see the light?
Can you see the light of love shining from my heart?
Yeah, well, you know I love you, baby
And I sure want to give this thing a start
A SECOND GUY IN A LAB COAT: Seven miles and closing.
AUDREY: Tracking craft out to boundary markers.
A couple of soldiers are bringing Vecchio to Shank's office.
FIRST SOLDIER: You'll have to speak to the colonel, sir.
VECCHIO: He's five-ten, a hundred and sixty-five, all I ask is you let me shoot him first. Come on, guys, we don't have to do this.
FIRST SOLDIER: You'll have to speak to —
VECCHIO: I know, I know. The colonel.
In the lab, things are hotting up.
A SECOND GUY IN A LAB COAT: Five and closing.
AUDREY: Where's the colonel?
SOMEONE: On his way.
A SECOND GUY IN A LAB COAT: Four and closing.
AUDREY: Secure the doors.
SOMEONE ELSE: Securing doors.
Ian is running across the base. He comes into the building with the secure area in it and sees Audrey through the door, which has not yet been secured.
Can you see the light?
Can you see the light?
Can you see the light?
IAN: Audrey! [She looks up. He starts running toward her.] I want that ring back.
GUY IN A LAB COAT: You know him?
A SECOND GUY IN A LAB COAT: Tracking craft in position.
IAN: It was my mother's ring! I made her a promise!
A SECOND GUY IN A LAB COAT: Two and closing.
IAN: If you don't want it, I want it back! [The secure area doors close in Ian's face. Fraser is right behind him. A bunch of MPs with big guns are right behind both of them. They both raise their hands.] Well, I asked her. I couldn't get a straight answer.
Okay at this point I have no idea how Ian has not simply been shot. But it may have something to do with the general incompetence of Col. Shank and his staff, because I think we can all agree that that area is in no way secure. I don't care how many MPs are standing at the door; if the door is standing open, access is not restricted. Jesus Christ. What they should have, of course, is a controlled-access vestibule, where you swipe a card (or give a password, or whatever) to get into the vestibule and can't open the inner door to the actual secured area until the vestibule door has closed and locked behind you. But it's much harder to film that sort of thing.
Scene 21
Fraser, Vecchio, and Ian are in a cage thing being yelled at by Col. Shank.
SHANK: Gentlemen. In the aggregate, these charges normally carry penalties of upwards of thirty years, providing we strike intent to sedition from the list, a charge that typically involves electricity in concentrations which, I assure you, you do not want to experience first-hand. Now, you have been spared the full weight of these penalties thanks to the intercession of the City of Chicago and the Government of Canada, both of whom have requested leniency claiming, uh, diminished mental capacity. Now, in light of the manifest truth of these claims, we have no choice but to process and release you.
FRASER: Thank you, Colonel.
SHANK: You're welcome. And now, Mr. McDonald, on a more private note — [Ian stands up and moves closer so Shank can threaten him right in his ear.] — if I so much as catch sight of you within five miles of a United States military installation I will personally shoot you right between the eyes with the largest-caliber weapon we're currently developing in our research labs. Is that understood?
Ian nods. Shank stomps off. An officer in uniform closes the cage gate behind him.
IAN: Boy, oh, boy, when Billy Carter appointed my uncle to the head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, that is exactly the kind of threatening behavior he was trying to root out. [Audrey is at the gate behind him.]
FRASER: Ian.
IAN: God, that makes me mad!
FRASER: Ian. [He nods to the gate.]
IAN: [turns around and sees Audrey] Audrey!
AUDREY: Ian.
IAN: It's you.
AUDREY: Yeah.
IAN: Wh— why did you . . .
AUDREY: I had to go to work.
IAN: In the middle of a marriage proposal?
AUDREY: Ian, something very important happened here tonight, something I've been working on for a long time.
IAN: What?
AUDREY: It's not the kind of thing I'm allowed to talk about.
IAN: You mean they — oh, you, you mean they came. They actually came?
AUDREY: Well — funny thing about the truth, isn't it. I mean, you can look at a cloud from, from one angle and see, ah, a camel. But you look at the same cloud from a different angle, and you see a, a barbecue. But no matter how you look at it, it's still a cloud.
IAN: Until it rains, and then —
AUDREY: [nods] It's gone.
IAN: Yeah, I think I understand. So that's the way it's going to be, then, huh? Me and the kids waiting, dinner on the table cold, family always the last priority. None of us, none of us ever knowing when you're going to tell the truth. That the way it's going to be?
AUDREY: [offers him the ring] Do you want your ring back?
IAN: No. I kept my promise. You keep that.
AUDREY: You know, when we met —
IAN: It was like magic. Like summer lightning. You took one look at me, and you knew right away I was the man that you were going to spend the rest of your life with.
AUDREY: No. I, I thought you were cute. See, for me it takes more than forty-two minutes. [He nods; he understands.] Maybe if we had forty-three? [He looks back up at her.] I'm going to be at the Constellation later. If somebody, say some guy, wanted to buy me a cosmopolitan, I probably wouldn't say no.
IAN: I'll be there.
AUDREY: Then I'll probably see you.
She smiles and walks away. Ian turns back to Fraser and Vecchio and punches the air. Another uniform comes up to the guard outside the cage.
ANOTHER UNIFORM: Colonel's orders.
The three of them are let out of the cage and start walking out through the hangar.
IAN: Thanks for all your help, guys. Hey, guys, come on, lend me some money.
VECCHIO: What's in it for me?
IAN: Uh — all right, you can have the bus.
VECCHIO: What bus? It's been confiscated.
IAN: So we'll steal it back.
FRASER: Ian. Perhaps we could recover it, Ray.
VECCHIO: Well, I ain't driving back in that bus.
IAN: Well, Fraser will drive.
VECCHIO: I'd rather hitchhike.
FRASER: And risk arrest?
IAN: You've already been arrested.
VECCHIO: Shut up.
FRASER: Ray.
VECCHIO: And you. Next time you ask me a hypothetical question?
FRASER: Yes.
VECCHIO: The answer's no.
FRASER: That makes no sense, Ray. Hypothetically.
Billy Carter was the embarrassing brother of Jimmy Carter, who was president of the United States from 1977–1981. He never appointed anyone to the chairmanship of the Joint Chiefs of Staff or any other office.
Of course we don't know what the list of charges is that Shank is referring to when he's threatening our boys. But "intent to sedition" isn't a thing. He probably means seditious conspiracy, which is not a capital offense when committed by civilians (and although Shank is military, our heroes are not, so they're not subject to the Uniform Code of Military Justice).
I have no idea what Audrey's line about clouds means. I think it means she did in fact end up tracking a weather balloon rather than a UFO? But it's so incoherent I can't be sure. In any case, if she has the kind of top secret clearance she'd need to work in the kind of secured area that secured area was supposed to be, she should absolutely not get herself into a relationship with Ian, no matter how cute she thinks he is or how many cosmos he buys her. Even assuming she never tells him anything she isn't allowed to tell him, what are the odds he will be able to refrain from running his mouth about her job? He'll be making it all up, but who cares?
Vecchio, of course, is right to prefer hitchhiking rather than riding in a car driven by Fraser.
Scene 22
The senior citizens are all standing by their fire. A bright white light rises in front of them; a bright red light shines down; the light goes out.
DEAR: Goodbye, son.
I like that she gets some closure.
The title of this episode is a reference to the David Bowie song "Starman," which we don't hear, and that's a crying shame.
Cumulative body count: 20
Red uniform: The whole episode
no subject
Here are all the units called "2nd battalion" (as of the mid-1990s, post–Gulf War but pre–9/11 War on Terror) I can find in a few minutes of what I think is fairly thorough Wikipedia mining. The ones in bold are or ever have been quartered at Fort Bragg: