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return to due South: season 4 episode 9 (or season 3 episode 22) "A Likely Story"
A Likely Story
air date January 21, 1999
Scene 1
Kowalski and Diefenbaker are patiently listening to Fraser telling a spooky story at a campfire.
FRASER: High atop Sulphur Mountain, in his lonely stone cabin, Lou — [He pronounces this like he's a howling wolf.] — Scagnetti heard a knock at the door. Boom, boom, boom. So he opened it. [He does a slow creaking noise.] And there on his stoop stood the beautiful princess from the valley below. And the wind whipped about her hair, and the snow swirled about her. And Lou — [howling wolf sound again] — Scagnetti froze. For the first time in his life, he didn't know what to do. He didn't know whether to kill her and eat her, or whether to bake her some of those tarts he was so fond of — the ones that feature chokecherries and brown lichen and little bits of dust —
KOWALSKI: Fraser.
FRASER: What?
KOWALSKI: What are you doing?
FRASER: I'm telling you a ghost story. It is customary to exchange ghost stories around a campfire in the wilderness.
KOWALSKI: We're not in the wilderness. [Traffic noises become audible.]
FRASER: It's an approximation of wilderness.
KOWALSKI: No, it's not, Fraser. We are in a park in the middle of Chicago. I had to step over a wino and kick through junkies just to get here. This is not the Yukon Territories.
FRASER: It's the Northwest Territory or the Yukon. The thing is, I was feeling a little suffocated at the consulate. I — I just felt I needed some room to breathe.
KOWALSKI: Well, I got two things to say about that. One, you are not Daniel Boone, and two, this air? Uh, the less room to breathe, the better.
FRASER: Dinner? [passes Kowalski a plate]
KOWALSKI: No, thanks.
FRASER: Oh, you really should. Everything tastes much better cooked over an open fire. [Diefenbaker is sniffing at the plate.] Dief.
KOWALSKI: Oh, yeah? What about spaghetti?
FRASER: Oh, it's delicious. And those rooty tubers, they're very tasty also.
KOWALSKI: [takes an experimental bite] Where'd you get this?
FRASER: Diefenbaker dug them up under that tree over there. [Kowalski drops the plate and tries to get whatever residue of the rooty tubers remains in his mouth out of his mouth. Diefenbaker whimpers and runs off in a different direction.] Here we go again. Mr. Tucci and his pretzels.
They both follow Diefenbaker.
Fraser himself said "Territory" when Francis Bolt asked him if it was Yukon Territory or Yukon Territories, and if it was neither he could certainly have said so. As it happens, the place in question changed its name from the Yukon Territory to Yukon in 2002 and then added back "the" in 2021, and the place immediately to its east is named the Northwest Territories. So Fraser seems to be "correcting" Kowalski with incorrect information?
This isn't the first time Fraser has talked about lichen in the context of desserts, which I have to admit puzzles me a little, lichen being a symbiosis between fungus and algae—so (correct me if I'm wrong) sort of a cross between mushrooms and pond scum? Mmm. Chokecherry is apparently related to black cherry, but the fruit is poisonous until it's entirely ripe.
Scene 2
Fraser and Kowalski arrive at a pretzel cart.
TUCCI: Buonasera, signore Red Coat.
FRASER: Mr. Tucci, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine. This is Ray. He's with the Chicago Police Department.
TUCCI: [shaking Kowalski's hand] Buonasera.
KOWALSKI: How's it going?
TUCCI: Anh, it goes. [Diefenbaker barks.] Hey, there's my boy. [He gives Diefenbaker a pretzel.] Buon cane.
FRASER: Mr. Tucci, you spoil him. Here, please, let me — [He starts to get money out of his pocket.]
TUCCI: No, no, no. It's end of day, not so fresh. I charge only for fresh. That way I keep my reputation. I better go home. My wife, she's worry for me. Arrivederci.
FRASER: See you tomorrow.
TUCCI: Si. Ciao. [He wheels his cart away. He seems to sell beach balls and other inflatable toys as well as pretzels.]
KOWALSKI: Nice guy.
FRASER: Yes, he is. He and his wife celebrate their fortieth anniversary next week. [They turn back toward their campsite. Someone on rollerskates zooms past them on the path.] They had hoped to go to Sardinia for a visit, but Mrs. Tucci is very ill. She requires around-the-clock nursing.
KOWALSKI: Where's Sardinia?
FRASER: It's in the Mediterranean. It's an island.
They hear a gunshot behind them. They look at each other and then run back toward the sound. The person on rollerskates comes back the other way, knocking Kowalski down with a messenger bag. Kowalski dithers for a moment and then pursues the skater while Fraser has continued to find the shooting victim. It's Mr. Tucci; Fraser is cradling him on the ground next to his cart with a few other bystanders hovering.
TUCCI: My wife. She's worry for me.
FRASER: Everything is going to be all right, sir. Help is on the way.
TUCCI: Please, look after my wife.
FRASER: Yes.
He looks along the path, looking for Kowalski, who finally catches up with and knocks the legs out from under the skater.
KOWALSKI: Chicago PD!
The skater is a woman, who gets right back to her feet.
SKATER: Scumbag!
She kicks Kowalski in the face and is about ready to kick him again, but he holds up a hand.
KOWALSKI: Stop, stop, stop! Police officer. I'm a police officer. Just, just — [He is holding his other hand to his face.] — ah, God!
Back at the pretzel cart, Mr. Tucci is breathing his last.
TUCCI: Buona note, mi amore.
Before he lays him down on the pavement, Fraser closes Mr. Tucci's eyes.
"Everything is going to be all right" is the right thing to say to someone who has just been shot, of course, even if it's not "you're going to be all right," which is less likely to be true. Poor Mr. Tucci.
Credits roll.
Paul Gross
Callum Keith Rennie
Beau Starr
Camilla Scott
Tony Craig | Tom Melissis
Ramona Milano
and Gordon Pinsent as Fraser Sr.
(plus Draco the dog)
Francie Swift, Helen Hughes, Paulino Nunes, Billy Otis
Scene 3
Fraser and Kowalski are in the car.
FRASER: So how is your nose?
KOWALSKI: That was some kick.
FRASER: She was innocent, Ray. She thought you were attacking her. [They pull into a driveway. Fraser speaks to Diefenbaker.] Wait here. [Diefenbaker grumbles. Fraser and Kowalski both get out of the car.]
KOWALSKI: Fraser, you don't have to do this. This is my job.
FRASER: Well, I promised Mr. Tucci that I would look after his wife. That's a promise I intend to keep.
They knock on the door. After a moment, a woman who is much too young to have been married for 40 years (and therefore can't possibly be Mrs. Tucci) answers. Kowalski is stunned. Sultry saxophone music begins immediately.
NOT MRS. TUCCI: Yes?
KOWALSKI: [tongue-tied] Uh, Ms. Tucci? We're with the police.
NOT MRS. TUCCI: Come on in. [Fraser looks at Kowalski like surely he has ever seen a pretty girl before. They both go inside, and the young woman leads them back to where an older lady is sitting in the kitchen listening to the radio.] Mrs. Tucci, these men are with the police.
MRS. TUCCI: Ah, Mr. Red Coat!
KOWALSKI: Um — I'm sorry, ma'am, there's been a shooting. I'm afraid your husband is dead.
MRS. TUCCI: What are you say? I'm sorry, I don't hear you.
NOT MRS. TUCCI: Oh my God.
KOWALSKI: I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm — there's been a shooting, and I'm afraid your husband is dead.
MRS. TUCCI: Franco!
KOWALSKI: Yeah. We're just starting the investigation. [Mrs. Tucci is sobbing and crossing herself.] I'm very sorry.
NOT MRS. TUCCI: I should take her to her room.
The young woman helps Mrs. Tucci stand up and replaces a pillow on her chair.
I feel like the Italian accents are a little clunky and stereotypical, and shouldn't Kowalski have asked Mrs. Tucci to come downtown and identify her husband's body? Or brought a picture or something? I guess we're comfortable with Fraser's acquaintance with both of them so we don't have to do the Law & Order style next-of-kin notification?
Scene 4
Fraser and Kowalski are leaving the house.
KOWALSKI: Wow!
FRASER: Wow?
KOWALSKI: She's something else.
FRASER: Ray, if you don't mind me saying, that is a staggeringly insensitive remark considering the circumstances.
KOWALSKI: Look, Fraser, I'm very sorry for Mrs. Tucci's loss, and I will make every effort to find the killer of her husband, but the fact remains she is a very beautiful woman.
FRASER: Possibly.
KOWALSKI: No "possibly" about it.
Scene 5
Back at the police station, Kowalski is still arguing with Fraser about the beautiful Not Mrs. Tucci.
KOWALSKI: I don't know who has less sex, me or you, but at least I still think about women. Is that better or worse?
FRASER: It's an interesting question.
KOWALSKI: Thank you.
It is an oddly interesting question, isn't it.
When they reach the squad room, Welsh is waiting outside his office.
WELSH: Vecchio. Where do we stand on the Tucci homicide?
KOWALSKI: He was killed with a thirty-two caliber. At this point, we suspect everyone and no one.
WELSH: Well, you can rule out robbery as a motive. This was found on the cart. [He holds up a large stack of cash.]
KOWALSKI: How much is that?
FRASER: [rifles the bills quickly] Four thousand dollars.
WELSH: Right. Now, what's a peanut vendor doing with four thousand dollars?
FRASER: Oh, it's not peanuts, sir.
WELSH: You're damn right it's not.
FRASER: No, it's pretzels.
WELSH: Whatever.
FRANCESCA: He's, ah — got a record.
KOWALSKI: Who?
WELSH: The deceased. Did six months for receiving stolen property in nineteen-fifty-three.
KOWALSKI: Why are we investigating the deceased?
WELSH: Because we're doing a full investigation.
FRANCESCA: Yeah, 'cause he's Italian.
WELSH: What?
FRANCESCA: He's Italian, so he's got to be Mafia, right? He's Italian, he's a gangster. Did you ever stop to think that just maybe he's a decent guy who worked all of his life and saved every penny he has?
WELSH: And he kept it in his peanut cart?
KOWALSKI: Why not? Fraser carries his around in his hat.
FRASER: Quite true, sir.
WELSH: Are you saying I'm prejudiced?
FRASER: Oh, no, sir, I'm sure she doesn't mean anything like that. It's just that your remark does have the air of cultural stereotyping about it.
KOWALSKI: Yeah.
WELSH: Let it go, Detective. Remember, you're only pretending to be an eye-talian. [He heads back to his office.]
KOWALSKI: Ciao, sir.
Francesca (who, by the way, has Milano's pre-pregnancy slim figure, so who knows what order these episodes were shot in or how far apart or what) is not wrong about the cultural stereotyping inherent in assuming Italians are with the Mob. It's an interesting time to bring it up, there having been a Considerable Number of cases in the past five years involving Mob issues, including her own brother undercover with that very organization, but maybe Francesca has finally had enough. I'd like it if Fraser hadn't been wearing the red uniform when he said "the air of cultural stereotyping" (how far we've come from "Yeah, look who's talking"), and I'd definitely like it if Welsh hadn't said "eye-talian."
Scene 6
Kowalski is in the interview room with a witness.
KOWALSKI: Okay, so what did you see in the park?
WITNESS: Nothing.
KOWALSKI: You told the officer you saw something. Now, what was it? [The witness shrugs.] Look, I'm not in the mood for twenty questions, so just tell me what you saw.
WITNESS: A guy.
KOWALSKI: What kind of guy?
WITNESS: A lumpy guy.
KOWALSKI: Was Mr. Tucci with the lumpy guy?
WITNESS: Yeah.
KOWALSKI: Was he arguing with this lumpy guy?
WITNESS: No.
KOWALSKI: Did you ever see Mr. Tucci in the park have any trouble, like an argument with a customer?
WITNESS: Kill somebody over a pretzel?
KOWALSKI: When did you see this lumpy guy?
WITNESS: Right before the shot.
KOWALSKI: Can you describe him besides lumpy?
WITNESS: Droopy moustache. Big gut. Skinny legs. Like a fat skinny guy.
KOWALSKI: Would you recognize him?
WITNESS: I guess.
KOWALSKI: Okay, come on. I want you to take a look at some pictures. A lot of different pictures. We got tall guys, we got wide guys, we got a mixture of everything.
Scene 7
Fraser is in Welsh's office with Huey talking about Mr. Tucci over a map spread out on Welsh's desk.
FRASER: You could set your clock by him, sir. The route was predictable and almost never varied. Over the course of the week it became clear that his route would take him along here and then up to here and then across to here on Rainier Street and then straight back through the park.
WELSH: You memorized the pretzel guy's route?
FRASER: Well, I'm sorry, sir. It's not something that I actively choose to do. On the other hand, it's not something I actively choose to ignore, either.
WELSH: Fair enough.
FRASER: I will try and correct that, sir. In the meantime, I thought it might be useful to your men to know where he had been on the day of the murder.
WELSH: Oh, yes, absolutely.
FRANCESCA: Hey, Frase? There's a Louanne Russell on the line. She's calling on behalf of Mrs. Tucci.
Look, you see or hear something enough times, you remember it, whether you're trying to or not. I don't feel like that should be such a surprise to Welsh, especially having known Fraser as long as he has.
Scene 8
Kowalski passes Francesca in the break room. She is reading the second page of a magazine article entitled "What Women Love About Men." He shoves some coins into the vending machine.
KOWALSKI: Frannie, you're a woman. Apparently. What do women look for in a, in a man?
FRANCESCA: You're asking me? Why? What sick thing are you up to?
KOWALSKI: I'm just asking. I got this friend. So this love at first sight, is that legit? I mean, if you don't make a good first impression, are you dead in the water or what?
FRANCESCA: Well, you're not deformed or anything — [He has stuffed almost half his sandwich in his mouth all at once.] — really. I don't know. It really depends. I mean, did you show her your disgusting tattoo or how far you could spit or, you know, that charming thing where you kick holes through the ceiling tiles?
KOWALSKI: [talking with his mouth full] Come on, Frannie, give me a break here.
FRANCESCA: Ooh, aren't we touchy? Who is this woman?
KOWALSKI: Nobody. Just somebody I met at work.
FRANCESCA: A cop?
KOWALSKI: No.
FRANCESCA: A criminal?
KOWALSKI: No.
FRANCESCA: I don't know, Ray. My best advice would be to be yourself, but in your case, I — I don't think that's a great idea.
I think Kowalski's tattoo is pretty inoffensive, and I don't know if I'd be that interested in Francesca's dating advice, but I guess she's been out there longer and more recently than he has, so okay.
Scene 9
Kowalski catches up with Fraser and Diefenbaker in the hallway.
KOWALSKI: Fraser? So, where're we going?
FRASER: Ah, well, I'm, uh, I'm, uh —
Fraser points in one direction. Kowalski goes that way. Fraser goes the other way. Diefenbaker yips and follows him, and a moment later Kowalski hurries to catch up with him again.
Scene 10
Fraser is looking at a school picture of a smiling kid, maybe 12 or 13 years old.
FRASER: A good-looking boy.
MRS. TUCCI: That's my son Frankie.
FRASER: Your husband never mentioned him.
MRS. TUCCI: My Franco and Frankie Junior, they fight. So he run away. Twenty years ago.
FRASER: What did they fight about?
MRS. TUCCI: Oh, father and son, what does it matter? What makes the difference? But he'll come back. I know he will.
Meanwhile, Kowalski is in the kitchen talking to Louanne Russell.
KOWALSKI: How long have you worked for the Tuccis?
NOT MRS. TUCCI (LOUANNE): A little over two years.
KOWALSKI: Can you describe Mr. Tucci?
LOUANNE: He's unbelievable. He didn't have a lazy bone in his body. He worked every day from sunup to sundown and never complained. Most people I know just complain about everything, you know?
KOWALSKI: Yeah. Yeah, I know.
LOUANNE: They're both just amazing. She's got this nerve thing. It's only getting worse. Some days she can't hold a book. Her eyes are going — she never complains. I just love her. You know what she really likes?
KOWALSKI: No.
LOUANNE: When I read to her. She loves these big romances. Today I started Sword of Desire by Dawn O'Connor. Do you know it? [She hands him the book.]
KOWALSKI: No. I don't get a lot of time for reading, though, you know, I like reading.
LOUANNE: Well, they're great.
KOWALSKI: [opens to the bookmark as the sultry saxophone music begins again] "Gabriella's chest heaved with passion."
Meanwhile, in the sitting room, Fraser and Mrs. Tucci are listening to a tape of Louanne reading the book.
LOUANNE (RECORDED): "The wind whipped her raven hair as she stood at the end of the parapet, thinking only of her passion for Paolo. Her lips —"
MRS. TUCCI: [hits the stop button] She reads it to me every afternoon. Sometimes she puts it on a tape so if I get awake in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep, I, I listen again.
FRASER: [The clock starts chiming.] Mrs. Tucci, you said on the telephone that you were frightened.
MRS. TUCCI: I just don't understand what happened. See, Franco, he never talk about himself, never talk about his business. Just shut you right out. That's Franco. But the last week or so, he was not himself. He was, how you say, distracted. He was so nervous. And now someone has — [She weeps. Fraser pats her hand.] — I feel so helpless.
In the kitchen, Kowalski has stopped reading the book.
KOWALSKI: Can you think of anyone who might have wanted to kill Mr. Tucci?
LOUANNE: No, nobody. It's that park. The crackheads are crazy. I told him it wasn't safe.
MRS. TUCCI: [Fraser is helping her walk in.] Louanne, perhaps the gentlemen would like a glass of Franco's wine.
FRASER: Oh, no, thank you.
LOUANNE: Detective Vecchio?
KOWALSKI: Uh, no, thanks. I'm working.
MRS. TUCCI: I'll have a glass, for sleeping.
KOWALSKI: Well, it's late and I'm booking off, so — yeah, a glass of wine would be great, thank you. Thank you. [Fraser gives him an eyebrow. Kowalski's phone rings.] Excuse me. Vecchio. Yeah? Okay, I'll, I'll talk to you in the morning. [He hangs up and beckons Fraser over to tell him what that was about.] Ah, ME's report. Ah, he had cancer. He would have been dead in two months anyway.
Louanne drops and breaks a glass.
MRS. TUCCI: Oh!
LOUANNE: I'm sorry. He didn't say anything. He must have known.
MRS. TUCCI: What, what is it? What?
KOWALSKI: Um, your husband was ill at the time of his murder. He had cancer.
MRS. TUCCI: Franco was dying? They killed a dying man?
KOWALSKI: They? They, who do you mean by "they?"
MRS. TUCCI: No, what if they try to kill me?
FRASER: No, no one would have any reason to kill you, Mrs. Tucci.
MRS. TUCCI: Well, no one had any reason to kill Franco either. Oh, I'm afraid.
FRASER: Please, don't be afraid. Nothing will happen to you, I promise. Ray, I think it would be a good idea for me to bivouac here for the night.
KOWALSKI: You're going to what?
FRASER: Well — I'll explain later.
Aaand we're back to promising people that nothing bad will happen to them. Tsk, Fraser, you know better!
Fraser says he's going to bivouac at the Tuccis', which basically means he's going to open-air camp in the back yard; the fact that he's not going to use a tent or even a lean-to is probably why he didn't use the word "camp." I assume he's forgoing shelter so he can keep an eye on the house, because otherwise what would be the point of his staying there?
I continue to have Notes about Kowalski's bedside manner. I guess he did his best in scene 3, because what's a good way to tell someone her husband has been shot and killed? I don't know, maybe "I'm sorry to tell you that your husband has been killed" (or possibly "has died") might land a little less harshly than "I'm afraid your husband is dead"? But here, dude, you've got to make it a question, don't you? "Mrs. Tucci, did you know that your husband was ill?" is so much gentler than "Your husband was ill at the time of his murder." And you've got to be able to do it without saying "Um." (And how does Louanne get from "He didn't say anything" to "He must have known"? Wouldn't it have made more sense to put those in the opposite order? The man had advanced cancer, so he must have known, that is, his illness can't have been a secret to him, but he didn't say anything, even to his beloved wife?) And he was right the first time and shouldn't have taken the glass of wine, although the fact that he's drinking with Mrs. Tucci rather than with Louanne may make that a little less bad.
Oh! Sword of Desire was the book Francesca was reading in "Seeing is Believing", although this may be a different book by the same title.
Scene 11
Fraser is getting his bedroll and duffel out of the trunk of Kowalski's car.
KOWALSKI: Hey, I know what's going on here.
FRASER: Ray, please.
KOWALSKI: You just can't stand it, can you? You just can't stand that she's more interested in me than she is in you.
FRASER: You're embarrassing yourself.
KOWALSKI: Look, I'll be back here, six-thirty sharp.
He drives off.
I'm going to give Fraser a small amount of credit for having insisted that he wasn't falling for This Week's Pretty Girl back when he was the one falling for This Week's Pretty Girl rather than snarling at Kowalski about it the way Kowalski is snarling at him about it here. Because even when Fraser was falling for the girl, he knew falling for her was a Bad Idea. Perhaps Louanne Russell isn't a poker hustler, but the point is that catching feelings for any subject of a case—witness, suspect, whatever—is generally inappropriate. Didn't Kowalski learn that when he ran off to Mexico with someone he'd previously busted for passing bad checks?
Scene 12
Fraser and Diefenbaker are camping bivouacking in Mrs. Tucci's back yard.
FRASER: Well, it's a nice clear night for sleeping under the stars. Such as they are. [Diefenbaker snuggles up to him, then alerts, sits up, and barks.] I hear it. [He pulls out his flashlight and turns around to see Kowalski climbing awkwardly over the fence.] Ah, Ray. Glad you could join us.
KOWALSKI: Oh, yeah, I bet you are. [He lays out a sleeping bag and a pillow with no case on it.] Anything happen?
FRASER: No.
KOWALSKI: You get called in on any emergencies?
FRASER: No, it's been — it's been very quiet.
KOWALSKI: Good.
FRASER: [So he resumes telling his spooky story, shining his flashlight under his own chin.] Lou — [howl] — Scagnetti looked across the stone table at the beautiful princess, and he said to himself —
KOWALSKI: Fraser?
FRASER: [turns off the flashlight] What?
KOWALSKI: You think she had something to do with it, don't you.
FRASER: I try not to prejudge people, Ray.
KOWALSKI: You do. Come on.
FRASER: Well, all I will say is that I detected a certain — well, a, almost a musk-like animal wariness about her.
KOWALSKI: Musk? You're talking to me about musk? I detect a certain kind of musk here myself.
Diefenbaker whines. Fraser and Kowalski sit up and look to see what he's found; Louanne's silhouette is visible behind the blinds in a room that is lit from the inside. She is undressing. Music cue: "Nice 'n' Easy" by Ranee Lee.
FRASER: Oh, dear.
We're on the road to romance
It's safe to say
KOWALSKI: Oh, yeah.
And we'll make all the stops
Along the way
Fraser averts his eyes, clears his throat, and lies back down. Kowalski does none of these things.
But the problem now of course is
To simply hold your horses
FRASER: Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. [Kowalski puts his head down. But then he picks it up again.] Ray.
To rush would be a crime
Kowalski pulls his hoodie over his head. Diefenbaker keeps whimpering.
It's the soundtrack that's making this young woman, Louanne Russell, seem like a femme fatale, right? She's a nice girl who has a job as a home health aide or some such thing, looking after Mrs. Tucci and reading to her and providing much-needed companionship especially now that her husband is gone, but the camera can't look at her without the saxophone doing its thing and turning the merest getting ready for bed into a striptease. Fraser is right to make Kowalski look away. But Kowalski should think hard about why he thinks Fraser might think Louanne had something to do with the murder, given that Fraser didn't actually say anything, which means Kowalski might think Louanne had something to do with the murder. Oh dear.
Scene 13
It is morning. Kowalski is still sleeping. Fraser takes a coffee pot off a camp stove.
FRASER: Ray. Ray. Ray. [He taps his boot against the top of Kowalski's head.]
KOWALSKI: [sits up immediately] Time?
FRASER: Six-thirty. Coffee?
KOWALSKI: Anything happen?
FRASER: No.
KOWALSKI: You sleep?
FRASER: Very little. You?
KOWALSKI: No. What about him? [Diefenbaker is still sitting by the window.]
FRASER: I don't think he's moved.
KOWALSKI: He saw it all? [Fraser nods.] Dogs, huh? They have all the fun.
FRASER: It would seem so. Well, Ray, we — we should get going.
KOWALSKI: Look, Fraser, I'm wallowing. Give me a little time for a wallow.
FRASER: Right you are. Do you take sugar when you wallow?
KOWALSKI: One.
Like, if Fraser was going to keep an eye on Mrs. Tucci, couldn't he have stayed on the sofa in her living room and made coffee in her kitchen like a normal person? I guess a guy who's feeling stifled enough to camp in a city park may be more comfortable in a sleeping bag on the lawn, but seriously.
Scene 14
Huey and Dewey are driving Tucci's pretzel route very slowly.
DEWEY: You believe this guy pedaled this entire route every day?
HUEY: Pull over, will you?
DEWEY: Hmm?
HUEY: Pull over. [Dewey doesn't.] Pull over! [Dewey does.] I don't know. I, I, I feel nauseous or something if I'm not driving.
DEWEY: Look, I feel nauseous if you are driving.
HUEY: But you're always —
DEWEY: Listen, hey, let's end this right, okay? I'm sick of this argument. Is it because you, you've got to have a steering wheel in your hands? Is that it?
HUEY: Yes.
DEWEY: Okay. Get out of the car. Right now. Get out. [They both get out and cross behind the car. Huey is on his way to the driver's side. Dewey grabs something out of the trunk.] Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is for your stomach. [He holds up an unconnected steering wheel.]
HUEY: I suppose you think this is funny, right? You want to know something? It's not funny. It's cruel. I mean, all I said was —
DEWEY: [noticing something happening in an alley across the street] Shh.
HUEY: What?
DEWEY: Look at this.
HUEY: Well, well, well. The Palermo Social Club.
We have no way of assessing Huey's driving, but getting him a fake steering wheel to hold onto is pretty funny.
Scene 15
Fraser and Kowalski and Diefenbaker return to the station.
KOWALSKI: Let me see if I got this right, Fraser. Louanne is a beautiful woman, therefore she must be bad. And since she's a really beautiful woman, that means she's got to be really bad. Is that how it goes inside your brain?
FRASER: Are you sure it is my brain we are talking about?
FRANCESCA: [handing Kowalski a sketchpad] Randy said this was as close as he could come. Mind you, your eyewitness hasn't slept in about six months, so he wasn't at his sharpest.
FRASER: Hmm.
KOWALSKI: What?
FRASER: Nothing.
KOWALSKI: [They are looking at the drawing.] You think this is a woman in disguise.
FRASER: Well, there is something sort of off-kilter about it.
KOWALSKI: You think she's involved, don't you?
FRASER: Ray.
KOWALSKI: Look, you're going to tell me that this is a false moustache.
FRASER: All right. The smudge she had on her upper lip when we went to the Tucci household could, and I say could, have been the residue of spirit gum used to hold the moustache on.
KOWALSKI: Right, and the pillow that fell off the chair —
FRASER: — might account for the description of the fat man with skinny legs. I say might.
KOWALSKI: And I suppose that cassette tape you found in the living room of her reading Sword of Desire, she used that to fool Mrs. Tucci into thinking that she was sitting in a comfy chair reading to her from across the room —
FRASER: — thereby providing her with an alibi so she could slip out to the park and shoot Mr. Tucci. But as I say, Ray, this is just the purest of speculation.
KOWALSKI: Right. So why don't we just bring her in here and grill the snot out of her?
FRASER: Without cause, that would violate her civil rights.
They go into Welsh's office.
WELSH: Jack and Dewey called in. Old man Tucci used to bring his pretzels by the Palermo Social Club every day. It's a real wise guy hangout. I mean, you had to have major bones before you could even get a decaf there. Maybe he heard something.
KOWALSKI: So you're saying this is Mob-related.
FRANCESCA: Hello? Random. Anyone ever heard of random killings?
WELSH: He owned a home in Lincolnwood. Had a couple of semis in Oak Park. No mortgage. He was worth one point seven million dollars.
KOWALSKI: Related to the Mob.
FRASER: I would resist the temptation of jumping to conclusions, gentlemen. And lady. I mean, by way of example, Joe Obodiak was a humble janitor with a women's Christian temperance center in Eagle River, and honest as the day is long. But by the time he died, he owned a split-level home, two power boats, and several expensive pairs of shoes.
WELSH: Ms. Vecchio, the phone records. I want to know what calls were made to and from the Tucci house and who made them.
FRANCESCA: Probably to Al Capone. [She stops on her way out of the office.] Did you ever stop to think this might be personal? I mean, we know this guy is worth one point seven million dollars. So who inherits it? Did you ever think of that?
("Godfather" style incidental music plays her out.)
There's an Eagle River, BC, and an Eagle River, Ontario. Hard to say which Fraser means, though I think the former is more likely.
Scene 16
Fraser is looking at Mr. Tucci's will.
FRASER: Mrs. Tucci, it would appear that your husband has left everything to Franco Junior.
MRS. TUCCI: Ah, Frankie. Frankie will take care of me. [Louanne walks away. Kowalski is concerned and follows her.] My Frankie.
Louanne goes out to the patio and lights a cigarette. Kowalski comes out to talk to her.
KOWALSKI: So what now? Did you know Mr. Tucci was worth a million and a half bucks?
LOUANNE: Yeah. No, I know he had some money.
KOWALSKI: Do you know where he got it?
LOUANNE: Well, he worked twelve hours a day for fifty years. I guess he just saved it.
KOWALSKI: And it all goes to a guy nobody's seen for twenty years? A guy who could be dead for all anybody knows.
LOUANNE: The court will direct at least half of it to us — to Mrs. Tucci. For upkeep of the house and everything. She'll get the rest after he's declared legally dead. I mean, that's how it's worked, you know, for other families I've worked for.
KOWALSKI: Right.
LOUANNE: Ray, things are such a mess. [She stomps out her smoke.]
KOWALSKI: No, they're not a mess.
LOUANNE: Yeah, they are. [She heads back inside but stumbles a bit, like the heel of her shoe went out from under her. He catches her.]
KOWALSKI: You all right? [She nods but doesn't look at him.] What?
She looks at him but shakes her head. He leans in and kisses her. The saxophone starts doing its thing. They are kissing tentatively when Fraser clears his throat from the patio door.
FRASER: Ray, I'm sorry.
Okay so now it seems like there may be something hinky about Louanne. I haven't thought so before—the fact that she's young and pretty isn't inherently suspicious—but the fact that she's worked for enough other families where someone with money has died to know how the inheritance is going to be handled, that starts to seem like maybe Something Is Going On. Kowalski is right to wonder what's the deal with Franco Jr.; on what basis does Mrs. Tucci think the son who ran away 20 years ago is going to take care of her now? And he is wrong, wrong, wrong to put his mouth on Louanne's mouth, especially now!
Scene 17
Kowalski is on his way in to the station, arguing with someone outside.
KOWALSKI: You talking to me or chewing on a brick? 'Cause either way you're going to lose your teeth. [He comes inside.] Freak. [He sees that Louanne is waiting for him.] Hi.
LOUANNE: Hi. [He comes over to talk to her.] Listen, I'm sorry about, um — I didn't mean to make you feel —
KOWALSKI: No, no, no, no. That was me. I was way over the line. But I was going to call you.
LOUANNE: You don't have to say that.
KOWALSKI: [smiling] Yeah, okay —
LOUANNE: [smiling] Okay.
KOWALSKI: So —
LOUANNE: Um. Did you — did the police find any money on Mr. Tucci?
KOWALSKI: Yeah.
LOUANNE: Four thousand dollars?
KOWALSKI: Yeah.
LOUANNE: It's mine.
Scene 18
Kowalski shows Louanne into an interview room. She sits at the table; he sits on it. The book she was reading to Mrs. Tucci is on the table as well as the drawing of the guy with the moustache.
KOWALSKI: So we can talk here.
LOUANNE: I have to return that to the library. What's that?
KOWALSKI: Oh, it's our suspect. [He hands her the drawing.] You ever seen anybody around the house who looked like that or —
LOUANNE: No. It's odd-looking.
KOWALSKI: Hmm. [He puts the picture down again.] So. Um. Money.
LOUANNE: [nods] My pay, a month's pay.
KOWALSKI: The Tuccis paid you four thousand bucks a month cash?
LOUANNE: The last Friday of every month. A thousand dollars a week. I know it's illegal. I didn't pay any taxes or anything. But I don't have any education or training, so I couldn't say no.
KOWALSKI: You didn't think to ask him where, where he got it?
LOUANNE: No. It's none of my business. The thing is, with the will being the way it is, I, um. We really need that money now. Can I get it?
KOWALSKI: I don't know. I would have to ask my lieutenant.
LOUANNE: I understand. [She stands up.] I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.
KOWALSKI: That's okay. No trouble.
She steps a little closer to him. Music cue: "Nice 'n' Easy" by Ranee Lee.
It's gonna be so easy
For us to fall in love
Hey baby, what's your hurry
Relax and don't you worry
We're gonna fall in love
Diefenbaker barks. They realize he (and Fraser?) must be on the other side of the observation window.
LOUANNE: Will I see you at the wake this afternoon?
KOWALSKI: Yeah. I'll be there. Sure.
LOUANNE: Great.
We're on the road to romance
It's safe to say
And we'll make all the stops
Along the way
She pats his hand and leaves the interview room. He steps out into the hall to watch her leave the station. She passes Francesca, who is on her way in, and sizes up the situation in one glance.
FRANCESCA: I think what you need is a cold shower. [She heads back to the squad room.]
KOWALSKI: I think what you need is a size ten kick in the — [Diefenbaker comes around the corner.] — Dief, what are you looking at?
Diefenbaker turns and heads back to the squad room. Kowalski realizes he still has Louanne's library book in his hand. It's too late to catch her and give it back. He starts flipping through it.
Cash under the table,* so now Louanne seems even hinkier. Well done Kowalski finally remembering procedure and saying he has to check with his lieutenant about giving the money back to her. Phew.
*$1k/week was a decent wage in 1999, $25/hour for a normal full-time job; on the other hand, Louanne is apparently working or on call 24/7, which would put her hourly rate at . . . carry the one . . . $5.95, which is just barely above the federal minimum wage at that time ($5.15). (Though she also gets room and board and apparently has no expenses.)
Scene 19
Kowalski is in the squad room. Fraser is sorting his, Kowalski's, mail; Kowalski is outlining his points on a legal pad.
KOWALSKI: It's the same plot.
FRASER: I'm sorry?
KOWALSKI: Of Sword of Desire. Look, okay, in the book, Gabriella is a lady in waiting to the aging duchess. Then the duke dies. Follow?
FRASER: I think so.
KOWALSKI: Good. Cast of characters, okay? Louanne, Gabriella. Duke, Mr. Tucci. Duchess, Mrs. Tucci. Gabriella has the duke killed so she can get hold of the castle and all the grapes.
FRASER: Grapes?
KOWALSKI: It's Italy. It's a wine castle.
FRASER: Ah.
KOWALSKI: Anyway. Gandolfo shows up and the villagers go bananas, right?
FRASER: And Gandolfo is?
KOWALSKI: Ah, we don't have a Gandolfo yet.
FRASER: So what's the point, Ray?
KOWALSKI: The point is, she's involved, right? You know, she's after the old man's money, just like in the book.
FRASER: Are you suggesting that she left the book sitting around here in some sort of subconscious desire to be caught?
KOWALSKI: Well, it sounds dumb, but you got a better idea?
FRASER: Maybe she just forgot it.
KOWALSKI: [snorts] And what the hell are you doing with my mail, anyway?
FRASER: I'm sorry. I just noticed that your box hadn't been emptied in about a month. To your credit, it seems to have been stuffed largely with fast food menus, so I don't think any vital police work has suffered. There is also a fax that came in from the National Crime Database. They ran a check on Louanne Russell. She has a record.
KOWALSKI: For what? [He comes and looks at the fax.] Phone fraud? Mail fraud? She's a con artist?
FRASER: She has been. She may not be now.
KOWALSKI: She's a con? She likes me? What does that mean?
I mean, what it generally means is that you live in a cop show, dude. But yes: If you could hear the soundtrack, you'd know that they've been trying to suggest this woman is dangerous for the past half hour (of our time; two or three days of the characters' time) and you've been determined not to see it.
I do conclude that this must not be the same Sword of Desire Francesca was reading before, because that one famously had a pool boy in it rather than a castle in Tuscany. (I mean I suppose the duke and duchess could have had a swimming pool as well. But it seems like Kowalski would have mentioned it.)
Scene 20
Huey is taking pictures as people arrive at the Tuccis' for the wake. Dewey has binoculars and Fraser has his spyglass.
HUEY: Luciano Siracusa. Milano Valencia. Mrs. Tucci. There's Louanne Russell.
DEWEY: That's Gino Tortelli.
KOWALSKI: The guy that owns the Palermo Social Club. Runs the east side for the Iguana family. [He looks through binoculars, too, then pokes Dewey.] Hey, who's that guy with Mrs. Tucci?
DEWEY: I don't know.
FRASER: Perhaps we should find out.
Scene 21
Fraser and Kowalski go into the Tucci house to pay their respects. Mrs. Tucci is talking to a young woman; a young man and a priest are nearby.
MRS. TUCCI: Grazie, signorina. Oh, Constable Fraser. [She comes over to him.] Constable, come see my Frankie. My Frankie's come home. [The young woman is expressing condolences to the young man now.]
KOWALSKI: [murmurs] Gandolfo.
Mrs. Tucci takes Fraser back to meet her son.
PRIEST: It's unbelievable, my boy. You haven't changed a bit.
FRANKIE: I wish that were true, Father.
MRS. TUCCI: Frankie. Frankie, this is my friend, Constable Fraser.
FRANKIE: [shaking Fraser's hand] Oh, I've heard a lot about you.
FRASER: And I you, sir.
KOWALSKI: [talking with his mouth full] Excuse me, I'm, uh —
FRASER: Detective Vecchio.
FRANKIE: Lots of police.
At no time does Fraser—whose borderline estranged father was shot—say, to this young man whose father was shot, anything in the neighborhood of "I'm very sorry for your loss," and I am judging him so hard for it.
Scene 22
Kowalski approaches Louanne, who is keeping the refreshment tables full.
KOWALSKI: Louanne?
LOUANNE: Not now, Ray.
She walks off. He is suspicious.
FRANKIE: I'm so ashamed, Ma. I should have come home a long time ago, I should have been here. If only I could see Pop again. Ask his forgiveness. But I am never going to leave you again. [Mrs. Tucci kisses his hand. An older man comes over to them.]
OLDER MAN: Frankie, it's Gino Tortelli. I was a great friend of your father's. If there is anything you need, anything.
FRANKIE: Thank you. Thank you.
OLDER MAN (TORTELLI): Welcome home, Frankie. Welcome home.
Something something prodigal son something.
Scene 23
Kowalski and Fraser are at Francesca's computer.
KOWALSKI: Okay, maybe it's just my suspicious nature, but a guy disappears for twenty years, and then he shows up a couple days after his father's murder just in time to inherit a million bucks? I don't know. [He is stabbing roughly at the keyboard.]
FRANCESCA: Hey, hands off the merchandise!
KOWALSKI: I hate this computer!
FRANCESCA: Well, here's why they didn't find Franco Junior when we ran his father. Nineteen-seventy-nine, couple of chops as a juvenile.
KOWALSKI: Chops? Do you mean beefs?
FRANCESCA: Yeah. Beefs. Loins, chops, ribeye, it really doesn't matter. The point is, they sealed the records, and they think he also goes by the name of Sammy Franks. [Her phone rings.]
DEWEY: [passing by] Went by the name of Sammy Franks. [He starts to head out without apparently intending to elaborate.]
KOWALSKI: Film at eleven or what?
DEWEY: All right. A few years back I was at the one-nine, right? Couple of marshals from Tucson, wearing the big cowboy hats and everything, fly in to pick up one of our collars, Nervous Nellie Martin, who's up on a murder one chop.
FRANCESCA: [on the phone] Hey, hang on. [to Kowalski] Did you hear that? Chops. Chops are okay. [to Dewey] Thank you. [back on the phone] Sorry.
HUEY: Hmm. Chops are good. A little applesauce on the side.
DEWEY: Would you let me finish the story here?
HUEY: Sorry. Go ahead.
DEWEY: All right. So the victim is Sammy Franks, an up-and-coming Mob guy, right? Attracting a lot of heat at the time. But Nellie beats the rap because they can't find enough pieces of Franks' body to identify. No body, no murder; no murder, no prison volleyball.
KOWALSKI: So this Sammy Franks may or may not be Franco Tucci, who may or may not be dead, and this guy at the house may or may not be him. Is that about it?
FRASER: I think you've put it rather well, Ray.
FRANCESCA: Oh, I finished checking those phone numbers, and there's nothing here except a bunch of calls made to a detective agency.
KOWALSKI: From the Tucci house?
FRANCESCA: Of course.
KOWALSKI: Why would they be calling a private investigator?
FRANCESCA: I don't know.
KOWALSKI: I'm going to check this out.
FRANCESCA: It's Apex Investigations on Van Buren.
KOWALSKI: Van Buren? Van Buren.
He heads off to check out the PI. Fraser is contemplating something contemplatively.
Francesca is visibly disappointed that the Mob angle seems to be panning out. Also, I'm not sure why Fraser doesn't go with Kowalski to check out the PI but just stands there looking like something else is bothering him.
Scene 24
Kowalski is at Apex Investigations on Van Buren. The receptionist is a young woman who does not seem to be concerned.
KOWALSKI: So, do you know when he'll be back?
RECEPTIONIST: He didn't say.
KOWALSKI: Look, he's not in any trouble. I just want to ask him a couple questions about this case I'm working on.
RECEPTIONIST: Mr. Fahey is never in trouble with the law. He's very law abiding. He doesn't even get parking tickets.
KOWALSKI: No tickets? Lucky guy. That's a lucky guy. Do you get tickets?
RECEPTIONIST: Sometimes.
KOWALSKI: I get them all the time. I hate 'em. But I'm a cop, so, uh, those tickets you get? They could kinda, you know — [She raises an eyebrow at him.] That's a nice dress. I like that. That's very attractive.
RECEPTIONIST: You think?
KOWALSKI: Oh, yeah.
RECEPTIONIST: You could leave your name and number. I mean, he checks his messages.
KOWALSKI: Right. Well, he would have to, 'cause he's in the field looking for missing persons, right?
RECEPTIONIST: Well, not really. Actually, his specialty is not finding them.
KOWALSKI: Excuse me?
RECEPTIONIST: Like if you wanted to declare someone legally dead? You've got to make an effort to find them. Something you can show a court.
KOWALSKI: Right.
Kowalski, thinking on his feet, when bribery doesn't work he switches to flattery immediately. Well done.
So who's trying to have whom declared legally dead, here? Calls from the Tuccis' house to this guy and the details we learned about Sammy Franks suggest that Louanne is trying to prove that Franco Jr. is no more, don't they?
Scene 25
Frankie is coming down the back stairs at chez Tucci.
FRANKIE: It's time you got with the program. I'm in charge here, and what I say goes.
LOUANNE: You promised me —
FRANKIE: Hey! All good things must end. You've been on the gravy train for, what, three years now?
He fucks off. She glares after him. Fraser and Diefenbaker come back into the yard.
FRASER: Are you all right?
LOUANNE: Constable. You startled me. Yeah, I'm all right. But something's wrong. Franco's acting crazy. He's talking about putting Mrs. Tucci in a home.
FRASER: Did he say where he was going?
LOUANNE: To get a drink.
FRASER: Excuse me. [He walks off to follow Frankie.] Diefenbaker, come. [Diefenbaker stays with Louanne and whines.] I said, come. [Diefenbaker ignores him.] What do you think you're doing? You're part of a team, and on a team there's only room for one alpha dog. [Diefenbaker lies down.] Like it or lump it, that is me. Alpha. Now, come. [Diefenbaker barks. Louanne smirks at Fraser. Fraser clears his throat.] Diefenbaker, stay. [Diefenbaker gets up and jumps up on Louanne.] I thought you'd like that.
Fraser goes off alone.
The Fraser-and-Diefenbaker stuff is good, but focusing on the young members of the Tucci household: Is Louanne telling Fraser the truth? What did Frankie promise her? This stuff is interesting enough that it should have come in way earlier in the episode.
Scene 26
Frankie is out in the community. People passing by shake his hand. Fraser is looking at the back bumper of his car. Frankie steps up to a greengrocer stall.
VENDOR: Here, I got a little something for you. [He hands him what sure looks to me like a yellow onion. Frankie sniffs it and reaches into his pocket.] No, no, no. Keep your money, keep your money.
Frankie pats the guy on the back and walks on. Fraser watches this happen. As Frankie walks away, another guy who had been at the vendor's stall steps out of the crowd and cocks a gun.
GUY WITH GUN: Frankie.
Frankie turns around and is startled to be looking at the business end of a handgun. Fraser tackles the guy with the gun into the bins of vegetables. Frankie runs. The guy with the gun runs in the other direction. Fraser chases the guy with the gun. He follows him into an alley and seems to have lost him; but as he's stepping carefully along looking between crates and things, the guy reaches out from between a couple of cars and cocks his gun right in Fraser's face.
Commercial break!
Everybody is treating Frankie like he is (or his father was) Somebody, huh? Not just a guy who's back in town for his father's funeral, but like the son and heir to some sort of empire. I know they've talked about how Franco was a member of the Palermo Social Club (Palermo being the capital of Sicily and the original home of the Mafia), but they don't seem to be doing any further investigation into Franco himself, which doesn't seem particularly thorough of them?
Scene 27
Fraser is looking right at the muzzle of the gun. The guy's hand is shaking.
FRASER: You don't want to do this.
GUY WITH GUN: Sorry, pal.
FRASER: Think about it, Nellie. Right now I'm the only friend you have.
GUY WITH GUN (NELLIE): Do I know you?
FRASER: No.
NELLIE: Who the hell are you?
FRASER: My name is Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I — well, it's not really important. What is important is that two years ago you were paid money to kill Sammy Franks. And certain people are going to be very unhappy to discover you've missed a second time and that their money, which I'm virtually certain is all gone, is, in fact, all gone.
NELLIE: Yeah, well, you got a good point.
FRASER: Thank you. Why don't you give me the gun? I promise you the full protection of the Chicago Police Department.
Nellie chuckles just a little but does give Fraser the gun.
Again with the promises! Full protection? Oy vey.
Scene 28
Nellie is in the interview room with Huey and Dewey.
NELLIE: I want to make a deal.
DEWEY: Deal? Here's your deal. You tell us everything we want to know, okay? If we want to know the lyrics to "Oklahoma," you'd better know them, 'cause if you don't, we're going to kick you out of here and broadcast your movements on the all-news traffic reports. You dig?
NELLIE: Okay, okay. Look, all right. Okay. Fine.
HUEY: That's good. Good man.
Welsh is watching through the window.
I do like Dewey for a good non sequitur. (I mean, it's shitty that cops can treat suspects this way, but being how we're here on the cops' side in a cop show, Dewey is the one with the good lines about cops being able to ask any questions they want.)
Scene 29
Fraser is coming into the squad room.
FRANCESCA: [on the phone] Yeah. [She hands the phone to Fraser.] It's Ray.
FRASER: Ray, where are you?
KOWALSKI: I checked the photo on his PI license application. Franco Junior's real name is Wayne Fahey. He's the PI she hired to find the long-lost son. It's a scam.
FRASER: I don't think Ms. Russell —
KOWALSKI: Look, I'm going over there right now to pick her up.
FRASER: Ray, wait —
KOWALSKI: I can pick 'em, can't I?
He hangs up the phone.
I feel like Fraser could tell Kowalski a thing or two about falling for the wrong girl? But it sounds now like Kowalski has talked himself into thinking Louanne is in on the scam and Fraser has talked himself out of it.
Scene 30
In the interview room, Nellie is singing like a canary.
NELLIE: Anyways, like I'm in Phoenix, right, and this guy comes up to me, and he says, I'm surprised you're showing your face. And I says, why? He says a buddy of his just got back from Chicago and that Frankie Tucci's back in town. [Fraser joins Welsh in the observation room. Welsh holds up a finger to his lips: Shh.] I says, no way. I killed the guy, you know. And he says, no, no, you know, he's walking around. And I think, geez, you know, this is an affront to my professional dignity. I mean, someone pays me good money to kill a guy, you know, bing-bing, you know, I kill him, you know? I'm a professional. Hey, if that's a crime, I'm guilty. Right? Plus the de Luca family will be trying to kill me, right? So I hop the first plane east, and I start asking around, and I find he's walking around and he's squeezing melons like the Godfather.
HUEY: You took a contract on Frank Tucci, junior, two years ago in Phoenix?
NELLIE: Only he wasn't going by the name of Tucci then. He changed it two years ago after he left home. I got him on his boat. Blew it right out of the water. All they found of him was pieces. I guess it was pieces of somebody else.
HUEY: You're proud of this?
NELLIE: Hey, proud, it's my job. You know what I'm saying?
WELSH: So what do you got, Constable?
FRASER: Interesting that you should ask, sir.
NELLIE: You do your job, and I do my job. Hey, you wouldn't have a job if it wasn't for guys like me.
Welsh comes into the interview room.
WELSH: Well, Mr. Nellie, got a couple of news bulletins for you. The good news is, you were right the first time. You did kill Franco Tucci in Phoenix. [Nellie is satisfied to hear this news.] The bad news is, you just ratted out the de Luca family. [Nellie flinches.] So if you're going to help yourself, I would start pretty quick.
NELLIE: Yeah, yeah, okay.
"If that's a crime, I'm guilty"—well, it totally is a crime, yes, but I continue to love the side characters on this show like the criminals who have professional standards. This guy! "Look, I'm a murderer for hire, but I'm not a cheat. My customers get the service they pay for." Good man.
Scene 31
Frankie (that is, Fahey) runs down to the Tuccis' basement and unpacks a suitcase until he finds what he's looking for, which is of course a handgun. He runs off again. Fraser is in the back seat of Huey and Dewey's car, speaking on a phone with a cord. Huey's pretend steering wheel is in front of him on the passenger side.
DEWEY: Fraser, you want to sit back? You're blocking the mirror.
FRASER: What, he's there with you now?
LOUANNE: [for it is she on the phone] Yes, he's here, and he's acting crazy. He's running around like a madman. What's going on? [Frankie/Fahey is coming toward her.]
FRASER: Get out of the house. [to Dewey] Go.
Dewey puts his light on his dashboard and deploys his siren. Frankie/Fahey aims his gun at Louanne.
FRANKIE (FAHEY): Put it down.
LOUANNE: [puts the phone down] You're not Franco.
FAHEY: You're damn right I'm not. But someone who thinks I am just tried to kill me.
LOUANNE: Why?
FAHEY: I don't know, and I don't care. But you can have Franco Tucci, the money, the old lady, the whole nine yards. I'm getting out of here.
KOWALSKI: [coming into the house] I don't think so. Drop the gun!
FAHEY: Man, am I glad to see you. Someone just tried to kill me —
KOWALSKI: Look, I heard you, now drop the gun! You put the gun on the ground! Move! [Fahey puts the gun on the ground carefully.] Kick it over here! Kick it! [Fahey kicks it. Outside, Diefenbaker paws at a basement window until he gets it open and jumps inside. Kowalski picks up Fahey's gun. Diefenbaker grabs something out of Fahey's suitcase.] What I want to know is which one of you pulled the trigger?
LOUANNE: What?
FAHEY: [thinking fast] She did. The whole thing was her idea, I swear. [Diefenbaker comes up the basement stairs carrying a blond wig.]
KOWALSKI: Okay, both of you, on the floor.
LOUANNE: Ray —
KOWALSKI: On the floor, both of you! Hands behind your head, interlock your fingers. Get down!
Diefenbaker reaches the top of the stairs. Kowalski is momentarily distracted by the movement; while he is looking at Diefenbaker, Fahey dives at him and tackles him to the floor. Fahey runs from the house and is met in the driveway by Huey and Dewey and Fraser. He runs past the car. Fraser jumps out and follows him. Dewey reverses and chases them. Fahey fires at Fraser or the car and misses. The car pulls around and cuts him off. Huey jumps out of the passenger side with his gun drawn.
HUEY: Put the gun down. Now!
Dewey has jumped out and come around to the back of the car, also aiming his gun at Fahey. Fahey puts the gun down and raises his hands.
So . . . if Fahey knew Franco Junior was dead, and how he got that way, why is it news to him that pretending to be Franco Junior could be dangerous?
Scene 32
Back at the Tuccis', Huey and Dewey are loading Fahey into a patrol car.
FRASER: Mr. Tucci feared that when he died, there would be no one to provide for his beloved wife, so he hired this man Fahey to help him find his long-lost son. When he showed Fahey the photograph of his son, Fahey's resemblance to Franco Junior was obvious. And that was the genesis of his scheme. He would murder Mr. Tucci, then he would impersonate the son and lay claim to the money and the property that Mr. Tucci had told him awaited Franco Junior.
DEWEY: Yeah, he didn't know the old man was ill and probably would die in a few months.
HUEY: And he didn't know the real Franco was a man with a price on his head.
FRASER: Yes, the axiom would seem to hold that proper preparation prevents poor performance.
KOWALSKI: So she had nothing to do with it. [He looks up at Louanne standing on the front porch. He goes up to speak to her.] I don't know what to say. I made a mistake. I'm, ah — sorry.
LOUANNE: Yeah, you did.
KOWALSKI: Look, I'll, I'll, I'll talk to my lieutenant and, and I'll get back your four thousand bucks.
LOUANNE: [going back inside] Well, you know, that's good, Ray. Because as we walk along life's highway, it's nice to know in a crunch I can just really count on you.
KOWALSKI: Look, wait a minute, I —
She closes the door in his face.
This whole episode feels half-baked to me, and I feel like a lot of that is because nothing ever came of the woman on rollerskates in scene 2. She zooms past them right before Tucci is shot, she zooms back the other way right afterward, Kowalski chases her down, she kicks him in the face, and that all turns out to have been a coincidence? We never see or hear anything about that person ever again? I feel like that loose end is just flapping in the wind here and it's making the whole episode feel wrong. She could at least have turned out to be the private detective's secretary or something.
Scene 33
Fraser and Kowalski are sitting at a campfire.
KOWALSKI: Why couldn't I trust her? I mean, if I trusted her, I would be sitting with her tonight instead of sitting out here in the wilderness.
FRASER: Well, we aren't actually in the wilderness, Ray. We're in a park in the middle of downtown Chicago.
KOWALSKI: It's not you, you know. Those things I accused you of? It's me. I mean, I looked at her. She's drop-dead beautiful, she looked at me, she's actually interested in me, and right away, I — click, I start thinking, okay, so what's wrong with her? What kind of guy is that? What does that say about a guy?
FRASER: [thinks for a moment, then returns to his ghost story] Lou — [Wolf howl; Kowalski laughs.] — Scagnetti looked at the princess who sat across the stone table in the stone cabin high atop Sulphur Mountain, and the princess smiled at him. And for a brief second, Lou — [It's like he can't say the name without howling.] — Scagnetti could hear his own inner bell ring as though it were rung by a thousand angels. And he took his hand and he placed it over his heart, and Lou — [Kowalski goes "ooo" with him this time.] — Scagnetti vowed that never again would he kill and eat another princess as long as he lived. Unless, of course, she were covered in chokecherries and brown lichen and a sprinkling of dust —
KOWALSKI: Fraser.
FRASER: What?
KOWALSKI: That's one dark story.
FRASER: Yes. It is. Ooh — the spaghetti's ready. [He offers Kowalski a cedar plank covered with a heap of plain spaghetti.]
KOWALSKI: Mmm. [looks around] Where's Dief?
I don't see why spaghetti cooked over an open fire would be different from spaghetti cooked over any other heat source, because you'd cook it in boiling water, which isn't changed by the means you use to boil it. Serving it without sauce on a cedar plank is weird, though.
Scene 34
Louanne is in her extremely floral bed, reading. The saxophone is at it again.
LOUANNE (VO): Gabriella's chest heaved at the sight of him. His boldness made her feel like a true princess. As he came near her, she felt a trembling that began —
LOUANNE: — deep inside her most secret place.
She puts a bookmark in her book and curls up to go to sleep without turning the light off. Outside her window, Diefenbaker puts his chin down on his paws and whines.
So . . . she thinks Ray Kowalski is Gandolfo? (Or, wait, Gabriella's passion was for Paolo. Is Paolo the pool boy, that is, is this the same Sword of Desire Francesca was reading in "Seeing is Believing," or is it a different one? I'm confused.)
Cumulative body count: 37
Red uniform: The whole episode, excluding when he's camping in the Tuccis' back yard but including when he's camping in the "woods," wtf