return to due South: season 3 episode 11 "Dead Guy Running"

[fox]

Dead Guy Running
air date January 4, 1998

Scene 1

There's a lot going on in the squad room. A uniformed officer bangs through the door escorting a suspect. Another officer is handcuffing another suspect to the door. A third officer leads a hand-in-hand couple in a suit and a wedding dress.

GUY CUFFED TO THE SQUAD ROOM DOOR: ♫ There goes the bride! ♫

Right outside Welsh's office, a detective in a suit is arguing with a young woman. Welsh comes out of his office and needs to get by the wedding-dressed couple.

WELSH: 'Scuse me. [The bride turns around and is a dude with a beard and a hairy chest.] Carry on. [Welsh turns the other way and stubs his foot on a hockey bag next to Dewey's desk.] Ow.
DEWEY: Sorry, sir. [He starts getting his shit out of the walkway.]
WELSH: Is Vecchio back yet?
DEWEY: He wouldn't go.
WELSH: I told you to take him to the hospital.
DEWEY: He wouldn't go! [He picks up a hockey stick.]
WELSH: What's that? [He points to Dewey's face; Welsh's whole right thumb is bandaged.]
DEWEY: What's what?
WELSH: Your eye.
DEWEY: I took a puck. What happened to your thumb?
WELSH: Never mind.
FRANCESCA: [calling from across the room] Sir, they got him. Kuzma. They got him.
WELSH: Yeah!

The whole squad room cheers. Welsh goes to take the phone from Francesca.

GUY CUFFED TO THE SQUAD ROOM DOOR: Go Bulls!

Kowalski comes in with a bandage tied to his ear.

WELSH: Hey. They got Kuzma. Huey's bringing him in now. [He hangs up the phone.]
KOWALSKI: Five minutes alone with him is all I want.
WELSH: How's your ear?
KOWALSKI: Look, I'll live. Just five minutes.
WELSH: No, no, you're off the case.
KOWALSKI: What, I'm off the case? Why, what, why? What? Why?
WELSH: Huey's collar now.
KOWALSKI: Look, Kuzma was my collar. I had him.
WELSH: Yeah, that's right, you had him and you lost him.
KOWALSKI: But he practically bit my ear off!
WELSH: Exactly. Now go home.
KOWALSKI: There's nothing wrong with me.
WELSH: Oh yeah? You're fine, huh? Good. Make yourself useful. [hands him a stack of files] When the feds find out we got Kuzma, they're gonna turn this into a circus, all right? Let's see how fast you can clean this room up. [He walks away.]
KOWALSKI: How, how, how about a general amnesty? [Welsh does not answer.] No. Okay. [reads from the top file] Stanley Smith! You are our next contestant on "Prison Life." Come on down! [He looks at a guy sitting next to a desk.] You Stanley Smith? [The guy doesn't answer.] You Stan— okay, you can stay cuffed to the chair all day for all —
SMITH: All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's me. Come on. Cuffs are starting to hurt. Yo, what happened to your ear, man?
KOWALSKI: I asked too many stupid questions like that.
SMITH: Oh, right. [As soon as Kowalski gets his cuff undone, he bolts.]
KOWALSKI: Hey, hey hey hey hey!
SMITH: Get out of my way, man!
FRASER: [catching Stanley Smith in the other doorway] Whoa, settle down, son.
SMITH: Yo, man, what are you?
FRASER: I'm a Canadian.
KOWALSKI: Thanks, Fraser.
FRASER: You're welcome, Ray. What happened to your ear?
KOWALSKI: It's a long story. Michael Johnson here goes into — [checks his notes] — number one.
FRASER: Oh, just a second. [He stops to take a cigarette out of the mouth of the guy cuffed to the door.] Sorry, sir, this is a, a nonsmoking environment.
GUY CUFFED TO THE SQUAD ROOM DOOR: Hey, smoking, dumbass! [or something like that]
FRASER: You know, Ray, that, that thing with your ear kind of reminds me of a wrestling match I once saw in Great Slave Lake where Yukon John actually bit off Haystack Calhoun's ear. Although my friend Innussiq, who knew of such things — he said it was entirely fake, and that the next night, Haystack Calhoun would bite off Yukon John's ear. [He chuckles.]
KOWALSKI: [pretending to chuckle] What is the point of that story?
FRASER: It's just an ear anecdote.
KOWALSKI: Look, they are taking my collar. Adolf Kuzma is my collar.
SMITH: Hey, yo, yo, man, what's up? You guys for real?
KOWALSKI: Hey, we ask the tough questions around here. [Diefenbaker grumbles.] Keep your feet off the table and shut up, homes. [Fraser closes and locks the interview room door.] All right. Possession of burglary tools, attempted theft auto, apprehended inside a ninety-five Mercedes two-eighty SL.
SMITH: So, I was just looking for a place to sleep, that's all.
KOWALSKI: So you broke into a hundred-thousand-dollar car.
SMITH: Yeah, I did. Get me my lawyer.
KOWALSKI: Oh, you got no place to sleep, but — [He sees something through the window in the door and is distracted.] — you got a lawyer on retainer. That's — good one.

And that is the first cut in the episode, friends. Almost three minutes (2:53 on my DVD playback) in one take, almost two years before The West Wing and its famous extremely long Steadicam walk-and-talks. I wouldn't want to be the guy who biffed a line at 2:45.

There's the Great Slave Lake, miles away from where Fraser (and Innussiq, I assume) grew up. Those kids apparently travelled a lot, huh?

Kowalski calls Stanley Smith with the iconic "come on down, you're the next contestant on" from The Price Is Right, a game show in which the contestants are drawn from the audience and invited to come down to the front of the house to join the game. The show has been running for 50 years and is apparently still on. The mind boggles.

Michael Johnson is a runner whose greatest successes were in the 1990s.

Mercedes 280 SL was a sporty hardtop convertible apparently more correctly called SL 280, and it looks like it did sell for something in the $100k ballpark when it was new, although by January 1998 a 1995 model would have depreciated a fair bit, wouldn't it?

Scene 2

Welsh and Huey and one other guy are leading a prisoner through the halls.

KOWALSKI: Kuzma, you little freak show, come on, come on.

Kowalski bursts out of the interview room and comes at Kuzma, who laughs. Welsh catches him.

WELSH: Hey, hey, Detective, come on!
HUEY: Hey, calm down, Vecchio —
KOWALSKI: Come on!
WELSH: Get him out of here!
KOWALSKI: Come on!
HUEY: — take it easy, relax.
WELSH: Get him out of here! [He pushes Kowalski back into the interview room, where Fraser catches him.] Sit him down, would you?

The interview room door closes again. Kowalski pats the bandage on his ear, then punches a hole in the wall.

FRASER: You all right?
KOWALSKI: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SMITH: Jeez, it's like a zoo up in here.

Kowalski glares at him. Diefenbaker barks at the hole in the wall. Fraser has a look. He pulls away more of the drywall and looks more closely.

KOWALSKI: What's going on?

They both look in. In the wall is a dead body in a plastic bag.

FRASER: Oh, dear.

This show never used "Oh, dear" quite the way Quantum Leap used "Oh boy," but in this episode it's close.

Credits roll.

Paul Gross
Callum Keith Rennie
Beau Starr
Camilla Scott
Tony Craig | Tom Melissis
Ramona Milano
and Gordon Pinsent as Fraser Sr.

(plus Draco the dog)

Richard Chevolleau, Anne Marie Loder, Alex Carter, Michael Ricupero, Greg Kramer, and Jan Rubeš as Mort

Scene 3

Fraser and Kowalski are lifting the plastic-wrapped corpse out of the wall.

FRASER: Careful, Ray. Careful.
KOWALSKI: Like I'm gonna hurt him.
FRASER: No — you're just standing on my foot.
KOWALSKI: Oh.
FRASER: Here, let's set him down. [Diefenbaker barks; Stanley Smith is trying to saunter out of the room.] Whoa. Sit down, sir — and sit down slowly. Sudden movements set him off.
SMITH: [cringing away from where Diefenbaker is still growling] Okay.

Fraser cuts the plastic bag away from the dead guy and starts peering at him with his flashlight.

FRASER: Hmm.
KOWALSKI: You know the guy?
FRASER: No, I don't believe so.
KOWALSKI: Well, what's with the "hmm?"
FRASER: Well, it's just — interesting smell.
SMITH: Hey, you guys, man — you guys look a little busy, you know what I'm sayin', why don't I just split, man?
KOWALSKI: Look, shut up and sit down, or you go in the wall.
SMITH: Yeah, right, okay.
KOWALSKI: All right, I'm gonna go get Welsh.
FRASER: Why?
KOWALSKI: Well, obviously, we got a dead body here.
FRASER: Oh, right you are.

Francesca comes in with some files, sees the dead guy, and drops everything she's carrying, suddenly very upset.

FRANCESCA: Oh my God, oh my God, he killed him, oh my God.

She flees. Fraser and Kowalski look where she was standing and then look at each other.

FRASER: Give me five minutes.
KOWALSKI: Five. [Fraser heads out to follow Francesca.]
SMITH: Hey, hey, listen, man, I know my rights, all right? I ain't got to stay in no room with no dead guy.
KOWALSKI: No, you don't. We can take you down to the cage, and you can stay in with the skinheads, the crackheads, and the bikers who are dusting. You prefer that?
SMITH: Aight. I'm cool.
KOWALSKI: You're cool?
SMITH: Yeah. Yeah, I'll stay.
KOWALSKI: That's nice.

He checks his watch.

Scene 4

Francesca is huddled in a corner in the hallway, talking to Fraser. She's still shaky.

FRANCESCA: His name is Guy Rankin. He's from the neighborhood. We heard that, um, he was into a lot of bad stuff, but — you hear a lot of things. He was okay. He was — he was kind of funny, actually. He used to do these impressions of, you know, Mr. Frank Sinatra and stuff. Anyway, one night he asked me out for a drink. I thought we were going out for a drink, but — [Her voice starts to wobble some more.] — I guess he thought — [She does a little "you know what I mean" nod.] — we were going out for a drink. [Fraser does a sympathetic grimace. She takes a deep breath.] We got outside the house, and, um — I could handle him at first, 'cause, you know, he wouldn't keep his hands off me, but — but then he really started to hurt me. And that's when Ray came — came outside. [She is really struggling. Could dissolve in tears at any moment.] He just went crazy. He was — he was like, um, Sonny in The Godfather, you remember? When Sonny found out that his sister Connie was being beaten up by Carlo? [Fraser shakes his head.] Ray was just like that. I had to pull him off so that Guy could get out. Anyway — [She composes herself.] — after that, um, he was just waiting for Guy to make a mistake, and when he found out that he was shaking down some of the local merchants, he hauled him in.
FRASER: And you think Ray killed him? [Francesca nods and sniffles.] What makes you think that?
FRANCESCA: [She does not want to answer.] Because he said he was going to.

Okay, well, that monologue made me cry. Nice work, Milano.

I am HERE for Francesca having more to do than just toss herself at Fraser, although per usual I am mad at the number of times the camera shows us Fraser instead of the Vecchio who's having the emotional moment. Five times! by my count, in this scene, although one of them is when he's speaking and one of them is his final reaction after Francesca's last line. And like. He's not mugging it up or anything. They're sensitive reactions. In this case I'll grant that there's room for the one where he shows he understands how "going out for a drink" is different from "going out for a drink" (though Francesca was ready for him to understand that a little earlier, after "I guess he thought") OR the one where he hasn't seen The Godfather, but probably not both?

(Parenthetically, Fraser's acknowledgment of "going out for a drink" makes me surer than ever that he knew exactly what Thatcher was trying not to say when he supplied "Deflect?" in "We Are the Eggmen." I know I'm the only one still banging this subtextual drum, but I'm going to keep banging it.)

So but. This neighborhood dude was halfway to raping Francesca, and Ray Vecchio whaled on him and said he was going to kill him (incidentally: when Sonny found out Carlo was beating Connie, he kicked the shit out of him in the street), and now the guy is dead, and Francesca concludes her brother did kill him. Holy crap. Like: Most of us probably don't think of Ray Vecchio as a guy who would go all the way through with killing a man? But his own sister doesn't doubt that he did? . . . Do we now have to reassess the question of nine kilos of missing heroin from "Eclipse" or are we still sure that's okay because Siracusa didn't say "What are you talking about, Ray Vecchio isn't in this lineup"?

Also, I really might have had this (rather than discovering the dead guy in the wall) be the end of the teaser.

Scene 5

In the interview room, Kowalski and Smith are looking at what's left of Guy Rankin.

SMITH: Man, man, what is that smell?
KOWALSKI: Dead guy. They smell.
SMITH: No, no, no, not that smell.
FRASER: [coming back in] It's shellac. It's made out of bugs. It's very effective as a wood treatment for protecting wharf pilings from the effects of permafrost.
KOWALSKI: Fraser, what the hell is going on?
SMITH: Yeah, Fraser.
FRASER: Ray, could I have a word with you in private?
KOWALSKI: [to Smith] You sit there.
SMITH: No, no, no, no, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa, no, no, no. No. I ain't got to sit in no room with no dead guy, all right? All right? I — this is cruel and unusual punishment, okay? This is America, and I know my rights.
KOWALSKI: Oh, they always know their rights. What about the rights of the guy with the Mercedes?
SMITH: He don't need no rights. He got a Mercedes.
KOWALSKI: Sit there.

Fraser and Kowalski leave the room. Smith sits down. Diefenbaker grumbles. Smith can't decide which he likes less, the dog or the corpse.

The show said "eat the rich" again, y'all.

Scene 6

Fraser and Kowalski are sitting in the hallway.

KOWALSKI: Look, I didn't kill the guy, the real Ray Vecchio killed the guy.
FRASER: No, I didn't say he killed him, I said he is a suspect.
KOWALSKI: Well, pass it over to Internal Affairs, and let them sort it out.
FRASER: No, I'm afraid I can't do that, Ray, because if Internal Affairs investigates, they — [Kowalski watches a woman walking by and is not listening to Fraser.] — Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. [Kowalski looks back at Fraser.] If Internal Affairs investigates, they will undoubtedly discover that you are not the real Ray Vecchio.
KOWALSKI: Maybe. Personally, I don't give them that much credit.
FRASER: Well, perhaps, but let's just say that it becomes public that you're not the real Ray Vecchio? That will probably put the real Ray Vecchio's life at risk.
KOWALSKI: Well, what am I supposed to say? Better him than me?
FRASER: No, of course not.
KOWALSKI: What are we supposed to do?
FRASER: I am suggesting that we don't report the body.
KOWALSKI: Oh, Fraser, you are talking about suppressing the evidence.
FRASER: No, no, no, delaying —
KOWALSKI: Suppressing.
FRASER: — delaying, delaying reporting the body to give us enough time to find the real killer.
KOWALSKI: What are — you're not playing with a full mukluk, Fraser. How long do you think we can keep a dead body hidden in a police station?
FRASER: Well, if you can hang onto that room, at least until the end of your shift.
WELSH: [coming around the corner] Oh, a little coffee break? [Fraser and Kowalski stand up.]
FRASER: Oh, no, sir. No, no. We're just, ah, strategizing.
WELSH: I need that room.
KOWALSKI: Well, the kid's just starting to open up, sir.
WELSH: Oh, good, good, I'll wait until the movie comes out. Get rid of him.

Welsh continues down the hall. Fraser makes a conspiratorial face at Kowalski and follows Welsh.

FRASER: Sir, I wonder if I could, ah, perhaps have a word with you in private?
WELSH: I am very busy, Constable.
FRASER: I understand that, sir, but it's, it's extremely important.
WELSH: Augh. What is it?
FRASER: Well, sir, I have a, uh, a hypothetical question.
WELSH: Oh, great, hypothetical and important.
FRASER: Well, some questions can be both. [They have reached Welsh's office; Fraser closes the door.]
WELSH: All right, shoot.
FRASER: Well, if the need were to arise, sir, to speak to Ray Vecchio, the real Ray Vecchio, in person, would that be possible?
WELSH: If Ray Vecchio's mother were on her deathbed, and her last dying wish was to see her son's face again, hear his voice just one last time, I would send the new Ray Vecchio. Does that answer your question?
FRASER: Yes, sir. What happened to your thumb?
WELSH: Never mind.

Speaking of "Eclipse," this is a far cry from Fraser's "with dispatch" sanctimony, isn't it? Other people have their own shit to deal with, they're flouting procedure, but Fraser wants to absolve Ray Vecchio of a crime his own sister assumes he committed, and it's manual-schmanual, am I right?

Scene 7

Fraser leaves Welsh's office. Francesca gives him a printout of Rankin's mug shot.

FRANCESCA: Okay, I printed this up, but — I looked for the file, I can't find it anywhere. By name, by date, nothing.
FRASER: You're sure he was booked?

Is she sure he was booked? Fraser, you are holding a mug shot in your hand. 🤦🏻‍♀️

FRANCESCA: Yeah, I'm positive. Oh, but I did find this. You were right. [She hands him something else.]
FRASER: Thank you. You'll keep looking for the other files?
FRANCESCA: Yeah, of course.
FRASER: Thank you kindly, Francesca. [He heads off down the hallway.]
FRANCESCA: Uh, Fraser? [He turns back.] Um. About what I told you before. You won't tell anybody?
FRASER: No, no. Of course not.
FRANCESCA: Okay. It's just that those things are really kind of personal to me, and I just hope that you won't think any less of me.
FRASER: No.
FRANCESCA: I just — I just felt like I could really — I could really talk to you, you know? I don't know, I guess I thought talking to a, a Mountie from Canada is kind of like talking to a priest.
FRASER: Well, no, not exactly.
FRANCESCA: I mean, not that I — not that I think of you as a priest, 'cause. You know. I don't. I think of you — I think of you as a man.
FRASER: Ah.
FRANCESCA: Not that priests aren't men. It's — it's just that priests can't do certain things.
FRASER: Well, not necessarily. You know, there was a Father Macaulay of Fort Assiniboine, and he once tracked a cougar for five weeks over three hundred miles of —
FRANCESCA: No, no, Fraser, no. Those aren't exactly the, the things that, that I'm referring to. [She raises her eyebrows.]
FRASER: Oh. [She nods.] Oh, I see. Right. Um. [He clears his throat.] Excuse me. [He starts to go on his way again.]
FRANCESCA: Fraser?
FRASER: [turning back] Yeah.
FRANCESCA: Is my brother going to be okay?
FRASER: Oh, yes, sure. Sure. Yeah.

She goes back to the squad room. He goes back to the interview room.

Francesca worrying that Fraser might think less of her for having been assaulted is (a) heartbreaking and (b) unfortunately pretty realistic. I don't know when Fraser had the sensitivity training he must have had to be so quick to promise Francesca that he wouldn't tell anyone else about it. And then she has to biff the whole thing by assuring him that she thinks of him as a man rather than as a priest because of his apparent lack of a vow of celibacy. 🙄 When do we think this disastrous date with Guy Rankin took place? Fraser had no knowledge of Vecchio's fury about this dude coming after his sister, so it had to be either before Fraser arrived in town in 1994 or while he was on vacation this past summer, right?

Scene 8

In the interview room, Kowalski and Stanley Smith are still hanging out with the corpse of Guy Rankin.

SMITH: Can't just be — can't just be doin' this, man. Can't just hold me. Know what I'm sayin'? That's what they do to people in — in them places like, like Sweden, and, and, and, and Canada, and all of them other torture places.
KOWALSKI: Hey, look, I play by my own rules. Kind of a wild card, kinda kooky. Now, you wanna help me?
SMITH: All right. Ain't gotta shout. Man. [He moves toward the body to help Kowalski with the plastic wrap.] Whoo! How long you think he been like this?
FRASER: [coming back in] Ninety-two days.
KOWALSKI: How would you know that?
FRASER: There was electrical work done in here ninety-two days ago. That's when the wall went up.
KOWALSKI: So somebody killed him, shellacked him so he wouldn't rot, and then stuck him in the wall?
FRASER: Surprisingly effective. He looks almost as good as new. [Rankin starts to tip over. Kowalski and Smith hurry to sit him back up again.]
KOWALSKI: Hey —
SMITH: Sorry.
KOWALSKI: Hey, you got a file on him?
FRASER: No, that's what's intriguing. There are no files.
KOWALSKI: So Vecchio had them destroyed.
FRASER: Ray Vecchio didn't do this.
KOWALSKI: How can you be so sure?
FRASER: Because the plastic was sucked into the man's mouth and his throat. That means he was alive when they put him in the wall.
SMITH: Whoa, man!
FRASER: Ray Vecchio's not capable of an act so monstrous. So heinous. So repugnant to the human condition. So — [snaps out of an unpleasant reverie] — can I borrow your car?
KOWALSKI: [as he's getting the keys out of his pocket] Why?
FRASER: Well, in the absence of any other leads, and time being the factor that it is, I think it expedient that I have a chat with a Mr. DiNardo.
KOWALSKI: Who?
FRASER: He owns the company that did the drywalling.
KOWALSKI: [sighs, hands him the keys] Look, take the short cut. I don't know how long I can keep this room.
FRASER: Understood. Oh, it's, um —
KOWALSKI: [shows him left hand, right hand, left hand, right hand] Brake, gas. Brake, gas.
FRASER: Got it. [Stanley Smith can't believe this.]
KOWALSKI: Careful. [Next door, someone goes ~oof~ and thumps against the wall.] Oh, that's just one of my fellow officers interviewing a suspect.

The soft spot in my heart for Ray Kowalski reviewing with Fraser which pedal is which, I can't even tell you. ❤️❤️❤️

This episode aired on January 4, 1998, which 92 days earlier would have been October 4, 1997—the day before "Strange Bedfellows" aired, and by which time Ray Vecchio had been in his undercover Vegas gig for at least a couple-few weeks. ("Burning Down the House" aired September 14, but all we know is that Fraser was on vacation and Vecchio was gone when he got back, so he could have left town as late as the 13th, couldn't he.) So if Vecchio did kill and shellac Rankin, he'd have had to have someone else in on it to hide the body in the interview room. Which brings me to this question: Where was Tony? (Or, as Discord user Conundrum asks, Maria? which is a fair question.) (I assume he wasn't there when Vecchio was going all Sonny Corleone on the front porch, or he'd have helped—either helped Vecchio tear into Rankin or helped Francesca pull them apart, either way, because Tony's a doofus but he's not a bad guy.) So the monstrousness of the act is not irrelevant, but shouldn't Fraser be interested in the timing as a way of absolving Ray Vecchio?

Scene 9

In the other interview room, Huey and Dewey are getting nowhere with Kuzma.

DEWEY: Okay, let's try this again. Were you the shooter? [Kuzma slams his own head into the wall.]
HUEY: Were you on Alcorn Street when the cop was shot? [Kuzma slams his own head into the wall.]
DEWEY: How long do you cook a fourteen-pound turkey? [Kuzma slams his own head into the wall.]
WELSH: [comes in] What's going on?
HUEY: Ask him a question. Any question.
WELSH: Hey. [He sits Kuzma down at the table.] Is your name Kuzma? General Adolf Kuzma of the American Patriots' Army? [Kuzma slams his own head into the table.] Ah, nice try, scumbag, but I'm not gonna make you look better for the feds. You and your psycho army, you think you can go around blowing up banks and shooting cops, huh? [Kuzma starts laughing.] Think our laws don't apply to you. Well, you better thank God for those laws; it's the only thing keeping you alive. Nice face. Tell me something. Five weeks ago, the feds had you surrounded at Diamondback Ridge, but you escaped. It was a miracle, huh? What, you make a deal with the feds? Huh? You think they're gonna waltz in here and save you? I got news for you. You killed a Chicago cop. You're not gonna leave here, ever, until they put a needle in your arm.
DEWEY: He might enjoy that, sir. [Kuzma licks Welsh's face.]
WELSH: There. [Shoves Kuzma against the wall again.] Don't clean him up. Just keep asking him questions. Huey.

Welsh leaves the room, beckoning for Huey to follow him. Kuzma makes bitey motions behind his back as he goes.

From room temperature, cook a 14-pound turkey at 350°F for about three hours unstuffed or three and a half hours with stuffing inside. (If you spatchcock the bird, that is, remove its spine and flatten it at the breastbone, you can cut this time in half; obviously then you have to make other arrangements for the stuffing, but you were probably doing that anyway.) Make sure it reaches an internal temperature of 165°F before removing it from the oven, and let it rest for half an hour (tented with foil) before carving and serving.

Scene 10

Huey follows Welsh into the hallway.

WELSH: Did he say anything in there? Did he ask for a lawyer?
HUEY: No. I think he's going for insanity.
FRANCESCA: Sir, FBI's on the phone.
WELSH: All right. See if you can locate the whereabouts of Assistant State's Attorney Kowalski, all right?
FRANCESCA: Okay. [heads back to the squad room]
WELSH: All right, the games begin. Get him talking about something. Doesn't matter, okay? If we can get him started, it'll give us reason to keep the feds out.
HUEY: I don't think he's gonna say anything.
WELSH: Get him talking.
HUEY: All right.

Huey shrugs and heads back into interview 2. Welsh knocks on the door of interview 1, and Kowalski answers.

WELSH: Look, I imagine the feds, within the hour, will be here to see our friend Kuzma. I want to be privy to that conversation from in there. I need this room.
KOWALSKI: Yes, sir.

I'm getting very strong "For Want of a Boot" vibes from the way Welsh is running around in this episode.

Scene 11

The desk sergeant is on the phone.

DESK SERGEANT: You didn't know? Margaret Moynahan told me. Well, she heard it from Jerry Kovaks. Yeah. [Fraser shows her Rankin's arrest report and mug shot.] So what did he do, anyway?
FRASER: Well, we're not sure exactly. But if, if you could just cast your mind back ninety-two days ago.
DESK SERGEANT: Ninety-two days ago? That would be Tuesday night, wouldn't it?
FRASER: Yes.
DESK SERGEANT: See, I know that, because Darlene Carmichael in Accounting? She had her baby three months premature, and I was just saying to Laurie in Personnel how the spicy pizza we had at the shower, which was on a Tuesday night, probably induced the contractions, you know, causing the premature labor.
FRASER: [can't stand it] Yes, I'm quite sure you're right. Now, about the man in the picture?
DESK SERGEANT: [The phone starts ringing.] Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Let me think about it.
FRASER: Right. [picks up the phone and hands it to her] Thank you. Kindly.
DESK SERGEANT: No problem. Listen, if I come up with anything, I'll give you a call. [He gives her a thumbs up and goes. She finally answers the phone.] District twenty-seven.

I've noted before in this space how Fraser can dish it out but he can't take it. I can't see the desk sergeant's nametag clearly.

Scene 12

Diefenbaker hops into the car and settles onto the front passenger seat.

FRASER: In the back. [Diefenbaker doesn't move.] In the — ugh.

Fraser gives up, gets in, and starts to reach for his seatbelt. In the back seat, Bob clears his throat. Fraser takes a deep breath and turns around to glare at him.

BOB FRASER: You're getting roped in, son.
FRASER: Look, I know what you're thinking. Ordinarily I would agree, but these are very special circumstances.
BOB FRASER: Oh, they always are, but concealing evidence in a murder investigation? I thought I taught you how to uphold the law.
FRASER: And I will.
BOB FRASER: When?
FRASER: [pauses] Later today.
BOB FRASER: You've got to live by the principles you protect. Otherwise everything caves in, like an igloo during spring thaw.
FRASER: Look, I know what I'm doing, Dad. You just — you have to trust me.
BOB FRASER: Oh — no. That's where you're wrong. I don't have to trust anyone anymore. I'm dead. But you've got to trust yourself. One step in the wrong direction and it snowballs. Next thing you'll be lying to cover your tracks. And when cops are involved in murder, gets even uglier. I was gunned down by one of our own on my own turf. Well, ice cap. Remember?
FRASER: I remember.
BOB FRASER: I trusted Gerrard for the better part of thirty years. Wasn't easy to accept what he had become.
FRASER: Ray didn't kill anybody.
BOB FRASER: If that's true, then stay within the law.
FRASER: I don't have any choice.
BOB FRASER: That's where you're wrong.
FRASER: You want to know something, Dad — [But Bob is gone.] Right. [Diefenbaker grumbles.] Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I didn't realize he was back there. All right, here we go. [starts the car, backs out of the parking space, gets honked at by someone going by behind him]
DRIVER: Idiot!
FRASER: [waves apologetically; tries to remember what Kowalski taught him] Brake, gas — no, gas, brake, gas, brake.

Bob! Is! Fraser's! Conscience! Fight me.

Scene 13

At a construction site, a man in a hard hat is on the phone.

HARD HAT: Yeah, Frank, don't worry about it. I mean, if your kid's sick, your kid's sick. Nothing you can do about it. Yeah, take a couple of days off, all right? Good man. [He hangs up the phone and looks around. He has some plans tucked under his arm. Diefenbaker barks and comes running over; Fraser waves and approaches. The guy radios back to his office.] Marilyn, you wanna do me a favor? Mangioni's kid's sick. You wanna send over a teddy bear or something?
MARILYN: Frank's kid is fourteen.
HARD HAT: Well, send her something.
MARILYN: Okay.
HARD HAT: [to Fraser] Who are you?
FRASER: [also wearing a hard hat] Good day. My name is Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of my father — [A truck horn cuts him off.]
HARD HAT: Louis! No! You want to go in row B!
FRASER: — it's, it's not really important, sir. What is important is that three months ago, you did some renovations, drywalling to be exact, at Chicago PD district twenty-seven. I wonder if it's possible for me to speak to the men who did that job.
HARD HAT (DINARDO): You must be joking. I can't remember three months ago. I got eighteen crews out here today.
FRASER: It's very important, sir.
DINARDO: All right, you give me the name of your tailors, I'll give you the number. [He grins and clicks his radio. Fraser chuckles.] Marilyn, listen, pull out a file. Chicago PD, about three months ago. [back to Fraser] Is there a problem with something? I mean, I got no calls, nobody's complained or anything.
FRASER: No, it's strictly routine, sir. Do you, by any chance, recognize this man? [shows him Rankin's mug shot]
DINARDO: Is he one of the guys? To tell you the truth, I don't recognize anybody that works for me, my friend. [They have reached the office trailer, where Marilyn hands him a file.] There we go. She's nice, huh? Here we are, Tom Harvey was the foreman, the crew he never listed. Tom — a lot of times, we'll pick up guys at the local hostels, give them a day's work, hod carriers and such. Puts a little money in their pockets, know what I mean?
FRASER: Well, do you know where I could contact this Mr. Harvey?
DINARDO: Had to let him go. Last I remember, he was in one of those flop houses over on Diversey. And, ah, he's probably long gone by now. Anyway, Marilyn'll give you the address if you want. I gotta get back. And get that dog out of here. [Diefenbaker grumbles. DiNardo yells at some guys on his site.] Lou! You don't understand English. In the office.

The guy the cops are looking for is always not employed there anymore. Has Fraser never seen a single episode of Law & Order?

Scene 14

In the interview room, Kowalski and Smith are moving Rankin. Kowalski has him under the shoulders, and Smith picks up his feet.

SMITH: Yeah, you heard what the man said, Ray. You need me. Now I want to make a new deal.
KOWALSKI: Here's the deal. You give me the day, I give you the rest of your life.
SMITH: What, you let me walk, man?
KOWALSKI: I don't kill you.

Francesca knocks on the door; Kowalski opens it.

FRANCESCA: Hi. [She recoils from the smell as she hands Kowalski a file.] Oh, God. I'm not gonna come in, if that's okay. Where is he?
KOWALSKI: Behind the door.
FRANCESCA: Okay. I found the Rankin file misplaced way at the back.
KOWALSKI: Thanks. Assistant State's Attorney Stella Kowalski? It was Stella's case?
FRANCESCA: Hey, is Fraser back yet?
KOWALSKI: No.
FRANCESCA: Okay. [She is about to go, but stops before the door closes.] Ray didn't do this.

Kowalski nods and shuts the door.

SMITH: Hoo, yeah. Hey, lemme, lemme ask you something. She just said, "Ray didn't do this."
KOWALSKI: Right.
SMITH: I thought you was Ray.
KOWALSKI: Like there's only one Stanley Smith in the world?
SMITH: Yeah, that's true. She's a babe, though, huh? You know, fine old lady?
KOWALSKI: Hey! That's my sister.
SMITH: Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't, I didn't know.
KOWALSKI: [reading the Rankin file] Extortion. Carrying a concealed weapon. Resisting arrest. And he walks?
SMITH: Yeah, well, like me, you probably had no evidence.
KOWALSKI: Eyewitness testimony. Marked bills. Wire tap. This is as good as it gets. How the hell do you walk on charges like that?
SMITH: What, you asking me?
KOWALSKI: You wanna help me, or do you wanna stare at the dead guy all day?
SMITH: Yeah, that's true. All right. Check this out. Maybe he got off on one of them, ah, one of them technicalities.
KOWALSKI: Yeah, yeah, yeah, like, uh —
SMITH: Uh.
KOWALSKI: — what, uh —
SMITH: Um.
KOWALSKI: I mean, he was here on the day that the wall went up, and he got a walk.
SMITH: Well, yo, he didn't walk too far, you know what I'm sayin'?

Smith laughs and holds his hand up for a high five. Kowalski leaves him hanging there when someone knocks at the door. It is Stella.

STELLA: Ray. I was looking for Lieutenant Welsh. What happened to your ear?
KOWALSKI: Nothing. You're here for Kuzma?
STELLA: Yeah.
KOWALSKI: That was my collar.
STELLA: I heard it was Huey's. Oh my God, what is that smell?
SMITH: Hey, how you doin'? We haven't been introduced. My name is Stanley Smith, I been working on a case with Ray here.
KOWALSKI: Detective Smith?
SMITH: Yeah?
KOWALSKI: Sit down.
SMITH: Okay, I'll be over here.
STELLA: See you later, Ray.

She leaves the room. Kowalski closes the door but immediately goes out again and follows her into the hall.

KOWALSKI: Stella?
STELLA: I'm working, Ray.
KOWALSKI: This is about work. Remember a few months ago you handled a case, a guy named Guy Rankin. Vecchio and Huey were the arresting officers. Extortion, concealed weapon, and the guy walked. You remember anything about that? This is nice. [He admires a pin on her lapel and leans against the wall.]
STELLA: Yeah, I do. They failed to read him his rights.
KOWALSKI: Vecchio and Huey screwed up on the Miranda? You — you believe that?
STELLA: All I know is, Rankin said they didn't read him his rights, and they agreed with him, so he walked. [She lowers her voice a little.] Maybe the fact that Ray Vecchio used his face as a punching bag had something to do with it. I don't know. I gotta go.

She knocks on the door and goes into interview 2.

So Stella — I mean, obviously she knows Ray Kowalski from before and knows perfectly well he's not Ray Vecchio, but she's having to pretend just like everyone else, right? Although she also knew Ray Vecchio professionally, apparently, if she's been working in the prosecutor's office for any length of time? (She and Louise St. Laurent are colleagues, evidently.)

Scene 15

Kowalski goes back into interview 1. Stanley Smith is wearing Fraser's hat.

SMITH: Yo, man. What's up, scout? [He does a Boy Scout salute.]
KOWALSKI: What do you think you're — the hat's sacred, okay? [He grabs the hat off Smith's head.]
SMITH: Yo, man, just joking around. Hey, yo, you know that girl, man, she's a babe, what's up?
KOWALSKI: My wife.
SMITH: Ah, man, you really know how to pick 'em, huh?
KOWALSKI: My ex-wife.
SMITH: Whoo, I guess you're the man to get to know around here, huh?

Noises happen next door: A crash and then a scream. Kowalski runs.

HUEY: Kuzma, you son of a bitch! Cuff him behind his back. [When Kowalski reaches interview 2, Stella is standing in the doorway while Dewey cuffs Kuzma to the chair. Huey comes from the room holding his mouth.] Think that son of a bitch broke my jaw.
DEWEY: Okay, now, you've had your chance —
KOWALSKI: [makes sure Stella is okay, then follows Huey] Huey, I gotta ask you something.
HUEY: Let it go, Vecchio!
KOWALSKI: Will you get back in there! [He pushes Smith back into interview 1 and grabs a uniformed cop standing in the hallway.] Can you watch this door? [to Huey] It's not about the collar!

He follows Huey around the corner.

Not that I don't appreciate a moment of Kowalski defending Fraser's hat from interlopers as much as the next girl, but why did Fraser not take his hat with him when he went to see DiNardo?

Scene 16

Kowalski is haranguing Huey at a sink in the men's room.

KOWALSKI: Hey, how can you not remember three months ago? You, Vecchio, Guy Rankin. He was released. You forgot to read him his rights. Look, I found the file, Jack.
HUEY: What the hell is the matter with you? You trying to get a job in Internal Affairs or what?
KOWALSKI: I'm gonna let that pass. Once.
HUEY: Look, Ray Vecchio had some personal thing with Rankin. I didn't know, I didn't ask. So he roughed him up a little. All I know is that Rankin walked out of here in one piece. Now, if no one's seen him since? Guys like him, who misses them?

Scene 17

There is a lot going on in the squad room. Fraser returns; Francesca catches him.

WELSH: [closing his office door] Gentlemen, I don't tell you what to do, and the FBI doesn't tell me what to do.
FRANCESCA: Fraser, the FBI's here, and Welsh wants the room. We have to move him.
FRASER: Understood.

Fraser and Francesca do an about-face and leave the squad room. He goes to interview 1; she turns down a different hallway.

Scene 18

In interview 1, Fraser is rolling Rankin in an office chair while Kowalski hangs a poster over the hole in the wall. The poster appears to say "DC Weaponry" and feature a female cop hero of some kind.

KOWALSKI: Well, she's no Rita Hayworth, but she gets the job done.
FRASER: You know, Ray, I had another friend — well, acquaintance, really — anyway, one day he was fishing, and he ripped his ear off with a Hula Popper. [to Smith] Coat, please. [Smith gives Fraser his jacket.] Anyway, he was able to sew it back on with some eight-pound test monofilament. Unfortunately, he sewed it on backwards, and from that day forward, he claimed he was dyslexic.
KOWALSKI: What is the point of that story, Fraser? I don't get that.
FRASER: There is nothing to get, Ray. It's just another ear anecdote.
KOWALSKI: [pretends to laugh] Hehehe. Cool. [instantly sobers, turns to Smith] Glasses. Come on. [He claps his hands.] Where the hell do we put him?
FRASER: Well, if you want to hide an apple, you don't put it in a bag full of golf balls.
KOWALSKI: [claps his hands again] Glasses, glasses. Cooler downstairs.
FRASER: Right.
SMITH: Nah, nah, that wasn't part of the deal, man.
KOWALSKI: [snatching the sunglasses off Smith's head] Well, I'm changing the deal.
SMITH: Oh, yeah, I'm changing the deal, too. Yo, yo, we got a dead guy! Open up! [He runs for the door. Fraser and Kowalski catch him and cover his mouth.]
KOWALSKI: Shut up!
SMITH: [pulls their hands away from his face] What you gonna do, man? Hit me?
FRASER: He's got a point, Ray.
KOWALSKI: All right, all right, I'll make you a deal. You help us with him, you walk, no charges.
SMITH: Not good enough. [He starts to yell again. They catch him again.]
KOWALSKI: What do you want?
SMITH: [He mumbles. Fraser and Kowalski let go of his mouth.] I want you all to deputize me.
FRANCESCA: [pushes in the door with a wheelchair] Come on, let's go.
FRASER: All right. One, two, three — [He and Kowalski heave Rankin into the chair.] The legs.

Francesca forcibly bends Rankin's rigor-mortised knees so he's sitting in the chair.

KOWALSKI: Ugh.
FRANCESCA: [as Fraser and Kowalski exchange a horrified look] I can debone a whole chicken in under three minutes. [She runs out into the hallway and checks that the coast is clear.] Okay, let's go. [Fraser comes out pushing Rankin in the chair. Kowalski and Smith are behind him.] I know he was a miserable bastard, but when I'm dead, I hope no one's rolling me around in a funny outfit.
FRASER: Mr. Smith, would you get the elevator? [Smith goes to get the elevator. Fraser stops short, seeing Welsh out of his office.] It's Welsh.
FRANCESCA: Oh, God.

Fraser, Francesca, Diefenbaker, and Kowalski turn 180 degrees and go back the way they came. Francesca gets to the end of the hallway first.

FRASER: [hissing] Francesca!

He shoves the wheelchair toward her. It crashes into the opposite wall, and Fraser and Kowalski block Welsh's view as Francesca runs back to get it.

WELSH: Vecchio! Where's your prisoner?
KOWALSKI: Ah, in the can, sir.
WELSH: [to a man with a briefcase] All right, we'll set up right in here. [They head for interview 1.]
KOWALSKI: Look, this is stupid, Fraser. It's not gonna work. How the hell do you think that this is gonna —
FRASER: Just stay the course. Ray Vecchio's life may well depend on what we do here today. Godspeed. [He runs off after Francesca.]
KOWALSKI: Godspeed. Smith!

In case it wasn't clear, we are now entering Weekend at Bernie's (1989). Please keep hands and feet inside the episode at all times. (But Kowalski's mention of Rita Hayworth is a reference to The Shawshank Redemption (1994), in which (as in the Stephen King novella on which it is based) Andy Dufresne digs a tunnel out of his prison cell by chipping at the wall with a rock hammer for 19 years, covering the hole with posters (Rita Hayworth initially, and then Marilyn Monroe and finally Raquel Welch); I will also note that he does not follow "Well, I'm changing the deal" with "pray I do not alter it any further.")

Scene 19

Welsh leads the man with the briefcase into interview 1. He is not happy about the mess on the floor under the poster.

WELSH: What is this? What, did a bomb go off in here?

He opens the door again. In the hallway, Francesca is pushing Rankin in the wheelchair at a run.

FRANCESCA: Move it or lose it!
WELSH: Francesca!

She tucks the chair in a corner and runs back the other way, passing Fraser as he comes after her.

FRASER: Where is he?
FRANCESCA: Around the corner.

Fraser goes and looks around the corner but doesn't see Rankin. He stands there for a moment getting his bearings.

SOMEONE AT RECEPTION: Call for you, Sergeant. Something about giblets?
DESK SERGEANT: [heading wearily back to the desk] Oh, there'll be no parking spot for Nicky at NASA.

Fraser looks around and realizes he has lost Rankin.

FRASER: Oh, dear.

The "parking spot for Nicky at NASA" thing is a complete mystery to me.

Scene 20

Fraser is thinking about what to do to find Rankin. He walks down the hall and passes the man in the wedding dress from scene 1.

BRIDE: Ooh, red.

Fraser continues, has a look around the squad room, and finally heads into the break room, where Rankin is sitting at a table being spoken to by someone who is drunk.

DRUNK: So I says to Smokey, I said, I've never even been in the freakin' woods! [laughs]
FRASER: 'Scuse me. [He wheels Rankin away.]
DRUNK: [following him] Hey! Hey, we was just talking! He was trying to get me to go on the patch.
FRASER: Good idea.
DRUNK: [to Rankin, as Fraser leaves the break room] Hey, I'll, I'll see you, pal. I'll call! Hold on, buddy! I'll call!

Fraser judges his moment carefully and then hurries Rankin around a corner, where he meets Kowalski and Smith.

KOWALSKI: We gotta wait ten minutes. Feds are in the room.
SMITH: Man, you should see the size of their gun!
FRASER: Hang on fifteen minutes, and then call.
SMITH: [as he and Kowalski nod and rush away] Okay, I'll call, I'll call.

Fraser wheels Rankin into the gents', where he picks him up out of the chair and maneuvers him into a stall. He stashes the chair, looks under the door to confirm it looks like Rankin is just a guy sitting on the throne, and ducks into another stall himself, intending to hide by standing on the toilet.

WELSH: [coming in, speaking to someone in the hall] I'll be right with you. [In the mirror, he sees that Fraser has not managed to get hidden yet.] Fraser.
FRASER: Yes, sir?
WELSH: I guess they do these things a little differently where you're from.
FRASER: In what sense, sir? [He flushes the toilet with his foot, hops down, and comes out, joining Welsh at the sink.]
WELSH: Never mind.
FRASER: Sir, I wonder if I could ask you a question?
WELSH: Yeah, be quick. [They both wash their hands.]
FRASER: It involves — well, it's a case involving Ray Vecchio, sir.
WELSH: What is it with you and Ray Vecchio today?
FRASER: Well, nothing, sir. As a matter of fact, this does actually involve the former Ray Vecchio and a man named Guy Rankin.
WELSH: Leave that one alone, Fraser. [finishing up washing his hands]
FRASER: Why is that, sir? [still scrubbing his hands like Lady Macbeth]
WELSH: It almost cost Vecchio his badge. He almost did time. The only reason he's still a cop is that this guy Rankin disappeared, and it's best that he stays disappeared. [leaving the restroom] Oh, God, what, did something die in here? Better lay off those mooseburgers.
FRASER: Yes, sir.

I'm still so confused about the timing of this thing. It has to have happened while Fraser was out of town on his vacation this past summer, which means Kowalski should know all about it, right?, because he'll have assumed Vecchio's identity almost as soon as the dust cleared?

Scene 21

Fraser wheels Rankin out of the men's room, but the hallway is blocked in one direction with a desk some guys are apparently moving somewhere and in the other direction by a ladder atop which some electrical work is being done. He thinks for a moment, then crouches down in front of Rankin and reaches for his hands. At the front desk, the desk sergeant is on the phone again.

DESK SERGEANT: No, no, Nicky, you're thinking — you're thinking of a capon. [Fraser goes by carrying Rankin on his back with Francesca behind him.] Constable Fraser!
FRANCESCA: Oh, God.
FRASER: Yes, Sergeant?
DESK SERGEANT: Listen — [into phone] — hang on. [to Fraser] Listen, I've been thinking about what you asked me earlier, you know, did I see Rankin leaving the station that night? [Rankin's arm is swinging loose. Francesca casually nudges it back toward Fraser. The desk sergeant speaks to Nicky on the phone again.] No, no, that would be the bantam rooster. [to Fraser] Well, I did. I've been thinking about it, and I did, I definitely saw him leave that night.
FRASER: You're sure it was him?
DESK SERGEANT: [to the phone] Oh, yes, that's right, that would be the guinea hen! [to Fraser] He was one of those kinda guys, you know, kind of different-looking, odd-like? I don't forget a face like that.
FRASER: Right. Well. Thank you. You, you've been very helpful.
DESK SERGEANT: Oh, any time. Ah — [as Fraser and Francesca turn to go] — what's wrong with him?
FRASER: Oh, nothing. No. He's, ah, sleepy.
FRANCESCA: Really sleepy.
FRASER: Yeah. [They scram.]
DESK SERGEANT: [back on the phone] Yeah, three-twenty-five for about an hour and a half.

See, Dewey should have asked her about the 14lb. turkey.

Scene 22

In interview 2, Kuzma is with our old buddies Ford and Dieter.

FORD: Come on. Adolf, Adolf, talk to me.
DIETER: Maybe we should just hand him back over to Chicago PD.
FORD: Yeah, it looks like they know what to do with him. You know, you killed one of theirs, sonny boy. They're dying to get their hands on you.

Kuzma looks at him and doesn't speak. Ford paces away, coming very close to kicking a camera that he can't possibly know is there. It turns out Welsh and his buddy with the briefcase are observing from the next room with video as well as audio.

DIETER: You want us to help you, you gotta give us something.
FORD: All right, now, look. We let you walk last month on condition you give up your partners, not so you could go shoot a cop! [Welsh is Very Interested.] Now, we can help you with that, but you've gotta guarantee that no one finds out about our deal, and you have got to tell us about your partners. [Kuzma knees Ford in the nuts.] Oh! Oh, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy . . .
WELSH: [removing his earpiece] All right, go get Assistant State's Attorney Kowalski. Fast!

Briefcase hustles out of the room. Welsh takes the tape out of the recorder and tucks it into his shirt pocket with a smile.

♫ Someone's in trouble . . . ♫

Scene 23

Kowalski is walking down the hall with Smith.

KOWALSKI: So you can go. That was the deal, that was the deal, I said you can go, so go.
SMITH: Okay, but, but I gotta make that call.
KOWALSKI: No, I make the call.
SMITH: But you said I could make the call.
KOWALSKI: No, no, no —
SMITH: Yes you did —
KOWALSKI: — no —
SMITH: — yes you did!
KOWALSKI: — no, you said you were gonna make the call. I just didn't say no.
SMITH: Yeah? Well, so what, man? That's the same thing as saying yes.
KOWALSKI: No, it isn't. That's the same thing as ignoring you. [Smith looks bitterly disappointed.] Okay, make the call.
SMITH: Yeah, all right! Ha ha ha ha! [He sits down at Kowalski's desk and picks up the phone.] What's that number again?

Kowalski hangs his head.

The call they're talking about is the one Smith said he'd make at the end of scene 20, but I don't know who it is they're supposed to be calling. Is it DiNardo?

Scene 24

Francesca comes running down the stairs to the morgue, followed by Fraser with Rankin on his back. Mort is singing while he scrapes under someone's fingernails. His phone is ringing.

MORT: [to his cadaver] Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back. [While he is on the phone, Fraser and Francesca bust in and lay Rankin on an exam table.] Oh? Oh, yes, the offer is still open.
FRANCESCA: [grabbing some drapes to cover Rankin with] These sheets have seen better days.
FRASER: [tossing another sheet on Rankin] Right. Let's go.

Fraser turns to leave the morgue, but Francesca grabs his arm.

FRANCESCA: [whispering] No! He'll see us!

Mort is on his way back from his office. Francesca and Fraser dive for cover under the exam table. Mort's surname, according to his office door, is Gustafson. He sings a snippet from Aida as he gets back to work.

MORT: ♫ Ah, ritorna, vincitor! ♫
BOB FRASER: Now you're in a pickle.
FRASER: Oh, this is just what I need.
FRANCESCA: Well, you don't have to snap at me!
MORT: [checking his clipboard] Now we proceed with — ah, we continue with the scrapings under the nails of the left hand. [double checks that he's got right from left sorted out] Left. [He hums while he works.]
BOB FRASER: These people look dismal. Well, of course, I watch what I eat. Do my calisthenics. Get plenty of fresh air.
FRASER: At least they know their place.
FRANCESCA: Well, what's that supposed to mean?
FRASER: Nothing. It doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry.
FRANCESCA: That's okay. I'm kind of — I'm kind of on edge, too.
FRASER: You are?
FRANCESCA: Yeah, well, actually, I find this kind of thrilling. You know what I mean? I mean —
BOB FRASER: Carpe diem, son.
FRANCESCA: — I'm thrilled, I guess is the word, I mean, my — my breaths are short, short little ones, and, ah, being around the dead, it's just, it's so forbidden! Just kind of exciting, you know what I mean?
BOB FRASER: I like it.
FRASER: Well, yeah. You know, some people, some dead people, they, they are exciting. [He glares at Bob.] And some dead people are not exciting.
MORT: Who's that?
FRANCESCA: [standing up from behind the exam table] Uh, uh, it's me, Mort. Um, Constable Fraser just, just wanted to see the morgue.
MORT: Well, we've selected a good day. We have a full house. Traffic jam. A postal worker gone totally berserk. [Fraser and Francesca put on fixed smiles and start to edge their way out of the morgue.] I don't know what's with the postal department. Huh? What drives perfectly good people to desperate acts? How hard can it be delivering mail? Hmm? Oh, well. See you around.
FRANCESCA: [She and Fraser nod politely.] Okay, bye.

Fraser holds the door. He and Francesca flee.

MORT: [into his microphone] Now we are going to go to the right hand. [He takes Bob's right hand, scrapes under his fingernails, and starts singing "Che gelida manina" from La Bohème.] ♫ Aspetti, signorina, le dirò con due parole, la di da di . . . ♫
BOB FRASER: [joining the song] ♫ . . . da da di . . . ♫

This is much too much of a necrophilia kink for Francesca to be talking about with Fraser at this time.

Mort is probably just singing "ritorna vincitor" ("return a conqueror") at the beginning of the scene because he's getting back to work, bless him. It's like people singing "Hail, the conquering hero" when someone comes back from the grocery store. We've got a good old Fraser-talking-to-Bob-and-someone-else-not-understanding moment; Bob urging Fraser to seize the moment with Francesca, because he's hung up on grandchildren (that is, Fraser is beginning to think about being alone forever?); another reference to postal violence; and then a bit of Puccini at the end ("Wait, young lady, and I'll tell you in two words . . . la da di"), from the bit where Rodolfo has just met Mimi and is about to introduce himself, but the title of the song translates as "What a cold little hand," which is frankly hilarious.

Scene 25

Kowalski and Smith come down the hall and run into Huey.

KOWALSKI: How's your kisser?
HUEY: It's okay. Your ear?
KOWALSKI: Okay. Feds still talking to Kuzma?
HUEY: Yeah. Listen, the Vecchio thing you were talking about this morning? [Fraser joins them.] Vecchio didn't do Rankin.
FRASER: How can you be so sure?
HUEY: Lieutenant Welsh made us follow up on it. We talked to his landlord. He said he saw Rankin a couple of days after we released him, when he went around to collect his rent.
SMITH: Man, a couple of days after the walls went up? That's a pretty neat trick, huh, guys?
HUEY: What are you talking about? What wall?
KOWALSKI: Uh, kid's a psycho.
HUEY: Yeah, you oughta be in the bucket.
FRASER: Did he say who the landlord was?
HUEY: Offhand, I don't remember his name, but he was the same guy that did the renovations on the interview rooms. He owns a building over on Roscoe Street.
FRASER: He lied to me.
KOWALSKI: That in itself does not prove anything.
FRASER: Shows he has a guilty conscience.
KOWALSKI: Let's get him in here, mess with his head.
SMITH: Yeah, you guys are so cool, man!

Is Stanley Smith going to turn from a life of crime and become a cop? Ugh.

Scene 26

In interview 1, Welsh has played the tape for Stella.

WELSH: Sorta puts things in a whole different light, wouldn't you say?
STELLA: Obviously, Agents Ford and Dieter were not aware that the interview was being taped.
WELSH: Well, I didn't want to make them self-conscious, you know, Candid Camera approach.

He shows her out of the interview room.

Stella has a bandage on her right wrist. Did she get injured in the earlier interview with Kuzma, where she was the one who screamed?

Scene 27

Kowalski is looking at a file.

KOWALSKI: It appears that Mr. DiNardo has priors. Assault on a couple of his tenants.
FRASER: He's coming in.
KOWALSKI: What'd you tell him?
FRASER: Well, it pains me to admit it, but I — I lied to him.
KOWALSKI: Oh, nothing happened, did it? You know, you weren't struck by lighting? The sky didn't fall in?
FRASER: Well, not yet, but it might have. It might well be the start of a slippery slope.
KOWALSKI: Oh yes, I believe you're going to hell in a handcart.
FRASER: It's not something to laugh about. I might well be.
DESK SERGEANT: [coming around the corner] Oh, listen, ah, the fellow you were with earlier, what was his name?
FRASER: His name was Guy — [He panics and looks at Kowalski.]
KOWALSKI: [helps him out] — Lombardo.
FRASER: Okay.
DESK SERGEANT: Mm, doesn't ring a bell.

We've just been over the Fraser Does Not Lie question. How is lying to DiNardo (in the interest of exonerating Ray Vecchio, er, I mean, finding out what happened to Guy Rankin) different from lying to Melissa (to investigate what has happened to Celine) or lying to Walter Sparks (to get him in off the ledge of a building)? (We won't consider the ready-to-run-away-with-Victoria of it all, but it's back there too.) Huh, Fraser? How?

Scene 27

Stella is scolding Welsh as they come down the corridor.

STELLA: It's illegally obtained evidence. They had a reasonable expectation of privacy in that room. No judge in the state will allow it.
WELSH: But I don't have to play it for the judge. I only have to play it for the deputy director of the FBI.
STELLA: That's blackmail. I can't be involved in that.
KOWALSKI: [as they go by] Ah, Lieutenant, I need interview one ASAP.
WELSH: Oh, be my guest, I'm through with it. [sees Smith] This guy still here, huh? He doesn't have a home?
KOWALSKI: As a matter of fact, no, sir.
FRASER: I'm going to, ah, get our friend.
SMITH: Yeah, I'll go with you. [follows Fraser]
WELSH: Wait, wait, Fraser?
FRASER: It's all right, Lieutenant. [He and Smith potter off.]
WELSH: [to Kowalski] All right, tell Ford to come into my office.
KOWALSKI: Yep.

Okay, the extremely offhand note that Stanley Smith is homeless is old-school due South poignance. Get that young man a job and an apartment, yo.

Scene 28

Fraser and Smith return to the morgue, where Mort is shaving a corpse's head and singing "Largo al factotum" from The Barber of Seville.

MORT: ♫ Ah, bravo Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro — ♫ [Fraser nods as he comes in and goes straight to the table with Rankin on it.] You know, I've been thinking about the postal workers. And the problem is, they don't get any respect. Everybody tells jokes about the mailman.
FRASER: Our mailman used to wrestle grizzly bears for money. [He folds up Rankin's drape and puts it back on the shelf, then grabs Rankin under the shoulders and heaves him off the table.]
MORT: Oh, really — [sees Fraser taking Rankin] Is he one of mine?
FRASER: Ah, no. He is, ah, he's material evidence in a criminal investigation, and I just took the liberty of storing him here earlier. [He's got Rankin under the shoulders and knees, folded up double.]
MORT: Was he dead at that time?
FRASER: Very dead.
MORT: Oh. Then — [He waves and starts to sing what might be "Addio, addio" from Rigoletto.] — ♫ Addio, addio — ♫
FRASER: [carrying Rankin out as Smith holds the door] Addio.
MORT: ♫ — addio, da da di . . . ♫

Of course "addio" just means "farewell."

Scene 29

Smith is clearing a path for Fraser in the hallway.

SMITH: Dead guy running! Dead guy running!
FRASER: Thank you.
SMITH: Dead guy running!
FRASER: Thank you kindly.

They go into interview 1.

Dead Man Walking (1995) was a film whose title (and the title of the book on which it was based) apparently comes from the notification that is called out when a prisoner is being transported from death row to the place of execution. Trivializing such a thing seems fairly disgusting to me, but I suppose it's not out of character for Stanley Smith, so I'll let it go and just move on.

Scene 30

Ford limps into Welsh's office.

FORD: What is it? I'm kinda busy.
WELSH: What happened to you?
FORD: Look, do you want something?
WELSH: Yeah. I want you to leave Kuzma in my jurisdiction. You can have him back when we're finished with him — say twenty-five years to life.
FORD: Look, we've been through this already, all right? Kuzma is a very important witness in an ongoing federal investigation. Now, have you got something else? Because you're wasting my time.
WELSH: As a matter of fact, I do.

Welsh puts the tape in the VCR.

Scene 31

In interview 2, Dieter is tying Kuzma up with chains and a padlock.

DIETER: You are one crazy bastard.
FORD: [busts in] Pack up, we're outta here.
DIETER: What?
FORD: You deaf? Let's go!
KUZMA: What's going on?
FORD: You killed a cop, man. Deal with it.

Kuzma grabs the keys to his chains from Dieter with his teeth and drops them in his lap as Dewey comes in.

DIETER: Augh, he's all yours.
FORD: Got yourself a real prize.

Kuzma bites Dewey's arm. Dewey recoils and screams as Huey comes in.

HUEY: What happened?
DEWEY: He bit me! Get the mask!
HUEY: Let's go.

They wheel Kuzma out of the room.

Scene 32

Kowalski is talking to Welsh's briefcase buddy in the squad room.

KOWALSKI: That sounds good. Set it up.
DESK SERGEANT: Hey, Vecchio! Mr. DiNardo here to see you. Listen, Nicky called, and that recipe you gave him? Doesn't work in the microwave.
DINARDO: It ain't a recipe if you gotta put it in the microwave.
KOWALSKI: Mr. DiNardo? [shakes his hand]
DINARDO: Yeah.
KOWALSKI: Thanks for dropping in.
DINARDO: Yeah, so what's all this about? Guy said something about stolen supplies?
KOWALSKI: Well, I know this is a pain in the butt, but my lieutenant, he's a stickler for paperwork. He just wants you to sign a statement saying that nothing got, ah, stolen from your worksite when you were here.
DINARDO: You gotta be kidding me. Listen, can we make this quick? I'm double parked.
KOWALSKI: [looks down the hallway, where Briefcase comes out of interview 1 and gives him a thumbs up] Ah, no problem. Follow me.
DINARDO: What happened to your head?
KOWALSKI: Nothing.
DINARDO: It was a woman, huh?
KOWALSKI: [leads him into interview 1] Have a seat. You want a coffee, soda . . . ?
DINARDO: No, nothing. Like I said, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
KOWALSKI: Okay. I'll just, ah, get the forms.
DINARDO: All right.

DiNardo sits at the table in interview 1. Fraser's hat is still there. He picks it up and puts it down again.

Again with the hat thing. He can't recognize it, because Fraser didn't have it with him when he visited the building site. And if it was Fraser who called him to come in about stolen supplies (that is, if that's the lie Fraser told), then I'm no closer to understanding what call Stanley Smith wanted to make in scene 23.

Scene 33

In interview 2, Fraser and Diefenbaker are watching DiNardo on the monitor. Diefenbaker grumbles. Kowalski comes in. Smith is standing by the wall, and of course Rankin is there too.

KOWALSKI: Checking his nails.
FRASER: We can give him a few more minutes.
KOWALSKI: Have we got that kind of time?
FRASER: I once stood watching an empty cabin for eleven days.
KOWALSKI: Did you know it was empty at the time?
FRASER: Not for the first nine days, no.
KOWALSKI: Why'd you watch it for two more if you knew it was empty, Fraser? [Fraser draws breath to answer.] Actually, I don't even want to know.
FRASER: Ah. How's your ear?
KOWALSKI: It's fine. Why?
FRASER: Oh, I was just thinking of a relative of mine. Well, distant relative — fourth cousin three times removed, to be exact. Mallick Eynar was his name. Anyway, one day he had a seashell up to his ear, and he was listening to the gentle lapping of the surf when a narwhal poked the surface and shoved the seashell deep into his eardrum, and from that day forward instead of the gentle lapping of the surf he had a, a rushing torrent raging through his cranium. [chuckles] Relatives, huh?
KOWALSKI: [looks at Fraser like he can't believe him; then looks back at the monitor, where DiNardo gets up out of his chair] Here we go. [DiNardo paces around interview 1 a bit.] Go, go, go, go, go, come on.
FRASER: [DiNardo is approaching the poster on the wall.] Close.
KOWALSKI: Come on.
FRASER: Closer.
KOWALSKI: Take a peek. [DiNardo turns away from the poster without touching it.] Aw, man. [DiNardo goes to the interview room door.] What, what, what, what, where's he going?
FRASER: I could've sworn — [DiNardo comes back from the door to the poster.]
KOWALSKI: Here we go. Here we go. [DiNardo looks under the edge of the poster.]
FRASER: This is it.
KOWALSKI: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [DiNardo pulls the poster away from the wall.] We got him.
FRASER: There.

Kowalski and Fraser hurry from interview 2 to interview 1, bringing Rankin with them.

KOWALSKI: Lose something?
DINARDO: You've got a hole in your drywall.
KOWALSKI: Yeah? [gets right in his face]
DINARDO: Yeah. You got a problem, my friend?
KOWALSKI: You got a problem, my friend?
DINARDO: Tough guy.

DiNardo scoffs and turns to leave, but stops short when he sees Fraser, Rankin, Smith, and Diefenbaker in the doorway.

FRASER: Recognize this man?
DINARDO: I don't recognize anybody. I don't need this. [He tries to leave.]
FRASER: [blocks his exit] Take another look.

Ooh, say it again. Mufasa.

Er, that is, what I mean is, (a) Fraser doesn't normally get right up in people's face like that, but he's enough bigger than DiNardo that stepping into his path and not backing down is genuinely intimidating for once, and (b) the Smooth Voice is back.

DINARDO: I said no. And I gotta go back to work. [He goes down the hallway the other way.]
KOWALSKI: [following him] Was this guy leaning on you?
FRASER: [also following him] Was he affecting your business interests?
KOWALSKI: Was he shaking you down?
FRASER: Perhaps he was involved with your wife.
KOWALSKI: Your daughter, maybe?

They pass Huey and Dewey going the other way with Kuzma. DiNardo reaches the squad room, pulls a gun out of his jacket, and turns around.

DINARDO: Leave me alone!
FRASER: Gun!
KOWALSKI: Good answer.

DiNardo shoots twice, hitting a display case behind Fraser and a steam radiator. Everyone ducks or starts screaming or both. The man in the wedding dress is running up the stairs.

SOMEONE: Hold your fire!
SOMEONE ELSE: Hit the deck.
WELSH: Take it easy!

DiNardo fires into the squad room, and everyone in there ducks or otherwise gets out of the way.

SOMEONE ELSE: All right, calm down, calm down.
DINARDO: Ooh, put it down!

Stanley Smith is creeping out into the hallway behind DiNardo either to see what's going on or as if he is going to do something heroic. Kowalski waves him back to safety, and he goes.

ANOTHER VOICE: Get back, get back, get back.

Fraser, of course, pops up.

DINARDO: I'll kill them!
FRASER: Mr. DiNardo, think about what you're doing. It's impossible for you to get out of this building.
DINARDO: Shut up. Shut up!
FRASER: Perhaps Rankin provoked you. Maybe you didn't intend to kill him. [Meanwhile, Kuzma is unlocking the lock holding his chains.] The fact that you shellacked him, wrapped him up in saran wrap, put him in a wall, drywalled it, taped it, plastered it, sanded it, painted it — maybe that was pure panic. It's understandable.
DINARDO: Crazy, man.
FRASER: I'm sure it happens every day.

An officer creeps around the corner, aiming at DiNardo. DiNardo fires, possibly hitting the guy and possibly not, but the guy falls down and drops his gun. Ford and Dieter come around another corner.

FORD: FBI! Freeze!

Ford and Dieter fire at DiNardo; DiNardo fires at them. Smith, covering his head, crawls across the floor toward the gun the officer dropped. Fraser runs and tackles DiNardo to the floor, still firing at the ceiling. Smith yells and slides the officer's dropped gun to Kowalski, who picks it up and runs behind cover.

KOWALSKI: All right, all right! Cease fire! Cease fire! Cease fire! [Ford and Dieter, the only ones still shooting, stop shooting. Kowalski comes out from behind cover and aims at them. Smith is still hollering.] Are you finished?

Smith shuts up. Fraser leaves DiNardo in custody of some number of other officers. Kuzma laughs maniacally and runs down the hallway toward Ford and Dieter, waving a knife and taking Rankin hostage.

KUZMA: I'm walking out of here. Anybody tries to stop me, he's a dead man.

After only a moment, Kuzma realizes that Rankin actually is a dead man. Kowalski moves in to re-arrest him.

This is a lot of scenes in one, but I didn't see a good place to cut, so.

Fourth cousins three times removed are barely related at all. First cousins share grandparents, second cousins share great-grandparents (that is, second cousins' parents are first cousins), and so on; and the number of times removed is a number of generations, so a first cousin once removed is your parent's first cousin (or your first cousin's child), twice removed is your grandparent's first cousin or your first cousin's grandchild, etc. So Mallick Eynar was someone whose great-great-great-grandparents (Z and α) were Fraser's great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents.

I made the family tree up Fraser's mother's mother's side, staying on the distaff the whole time because it was easier that way, but in the Eskimo kinship system (which is conveniently also what the English language uses) there is no difference between one's cousins on the father's side and cousins on the mother's side, nor between the children of a parent's same-sex sibling and the children of a parent's opposite-sex sibling. So I went ahead and made the gender-unspecified cousins the siblings of maternal ancestors all the way up, but they'd have the same relationships to Fraser if they were off different branches. But in communities the size of the ones Fraser lived in as a kid, I don't see how you'd even know such a person (or frankly how, if you did, that distance would be the only way in which you were related, because back that many generations, you start to run out of unique ancestors, innit).

Anyway, for a long time I thought, how could a narwhal come out of a shell small enough that a dude was holding it up to his ear? But then I realized that the narwhal and the shell were never connected, and the dude was close enough to the water that the narwhal came out of the water, not the shell, and drove the shell into his ear. (Still totally improbable, but at least it doesn't defy physics.)

I don't really see how DiNardo's having noticed the hole in the drywall is evidence of anything, so if he'd just hung in there under the frank harassment he was getting from Kowalski and Fraser, he could have left the building and not had to shoot anyone. Given that he did feel the guilt, though, I appreciate Stanley Smith coming through with the heroism! I mean it was right of Kowalski to motion him back behind cover, but in the few hours he's been here in the police station, Stanley Smith seems to have decided the cops are all right? Which, as I said, ugh, except that we're here loving a cop show and these particular cops are our heroes, so. And then he gets the gun the other guy dropped and makes sure to give it to Kowalski! That's rock solid redemption work, there, Smith, well done.

Scene 34

In the squad room, Smith is saying goodbye to Fraser and Kowalski.

SMITH: Thanks a lot, hey. [He holds out his hand to shake. Fraser raises his hand to high-five.] Yeah. [Smith leaves Fraser hanging and moves on to shake hands with Kowalski, who holds up a high five and then slaps it down into a handshake.] Thanks for letting me go, man. It was a blast. [He heads out.]
KOWALSKI: That kid. I like that kid.
FRASER: Uh, Ray?
KOWALSKI: He's got my badge!

Smith does indeed have Kowalski's badge clipped to his waistband. Kowalski runs after him. Fraser shakes his head in disbelief.

FRANCESCA: Fraser? Um — I just want to thank you.
FRASER: Thank you.

Francesca kisses Fraser on the cheek and goes back to her desk. Fraser clears his throat and tugs at his collar, then heads out of the squad room and down the hall. Bob joins him and they walk out of the building.

BOB FRASER: Good work, son. Bit unorthodox, but you got your man.
FRASER: I had my doubts.
BOB FRASER: Well, you'd be an idiot not to. One night, in seventy-two I think it was, Joe Morgan and I were at this dance. Wasn't much of a dance, really, just the five of us. In the wee hours, your mother showed up, made me come home. Next morning, one of the trappers at the dance, Randall Thibeaux his name was, turned up dead with Joe's knife in his back. I was dispatched to bring in Joe for the murder. Joe said he hadn't done it. Said he'd sold that knife a couple of days before to buy me a birthday present. Was the hardest decision I ever made. I let him go.
FRASER: He was innocent?
BOB FRASER: I thought he was, but it turned out he was guilty as sin. That trapper was sleeping with Joe's wife. Joe killed him in a murderous rage.
FRASER: You know, Dad, I'm sorry, but I fail to see how this relates in any way, shape, or form to my situation.
BOB FRASER: Well, it doesn't relate exactly, except that sometimes a man's got to get things off his chest, do you mind?
FRASER: No.
BOB FRASER: Wait till you're dead.
FRASER: All right.

It's sunny outside when Fraser and Bob go out there, and I'd love it if they'd found a way to remove Bob's shadow in post.

That dance couldn't have been in 1972 if Caroline showed up and made Bob come home, because Ben Fraser was born in about 1961 and he was six when she died. So either Bob is misremembering when that dance-followed-by-Joe-murdering-Thibeaux-the-trapper incident took place, or Caroline showed up in some noncorporeal form to make him come home—which, as this is a noncorporeal Bob manifesting Ben Fraser's conscience, I suppose is also possible.

Cumulative body count: 33
Red uniform: The whole episode

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