return to Due South: season 2 episode 15 "Body Language"

[fox]

Body Language
air date April 25, 1996

Scene 1

Vecchio, Fraser, and Diefenbaker are walking along a sidewalk.

VECCHIO: Haven't won a hand at cards in two weeks, my love life's in the toilet, and I can't buy a decent bust.
FRASER: How is it new sunglasses will change your luck, Ray?
VECCHIO: Well, I can only guess that the old ones had some mojo, because since I lost them it's been downhill. [He tries on a pair of sunglasses. Fraser is holding a mirror.] What do you think? These look lucky to you?
FRASER: Oh, very lucky. [A woman hails a taxi. A stuffed animal falls out of her purse as she gets in.] Would you excuse me for a second, Ray? [He runs to pick up the stuffie, trying to call the cab back.] Excuse me, ma'am. [waving the stuffie in the air] Taxi!
VECCHIO: Where are you going?
FRASER: She dropped her rabbit.
VECCHIO: So?
FRASER: [Another taxi stops for him, but instead he runs off to chase the first cab on foot. Diefenbaker follows him, or possibly follows the rabbit stuffie in his hand.] Excuse me. Ah, excuse me. Sorry. [He climbs through the open back seat of an SUV, stopping to speak to the person in the front passenger seat.] Fine automobile.
VECCHIO: [buying the sunglasses] For five bucks they gotta be worth a try, huh?
GUY ON BICYCLE: Get out of the way! [knocks him to the ground]
FRASER: [runs through a construction zone, including using a wood panel as a ramp] Pardon me.
CREW: Hey, hey, hey, come on! What?
FRASER: [dodging through people at a hot dog cart] Pardon me. Sorry about that.

Fraser and Diefenbaker hop over a ramp where furniture is being loaded into or off a truck. The cab screeches to a halt when a panel van pulls out in front of it. Horns blare. Fraser catches up to the cab and knocks on the window, surprising the woman, but he waves the rabbit stuffie and she rolls down the window.

DRIVER OF THE CAR BEHIND THE TAXI: Move it!
WOMAN: Bunny! [takes it] Oh — did you run all this way just to give her back?
FRASER: Yes, ma'am. And you know, for future reference, you might want to fasten your handbag more securely.
WOMAN: Wow. That's just so nice. [She may be about to cry.]
FRASER: Are you alright, ma'am?
WOMAN: Mm-hmm.
FRASER: Very good. [He turns to go.]
WOMAN: No! [He turns back.] I mean, maybe. I mean — [The car behind the taxi beeps its horn.] — do you think maybe this could be a sign?
FRASER: A sign of what?
WOMAN: Well, Bunny, she's my good luck charm, you know, and — I don't know, a lot of people think I'm really weird 'cause I have a good luck charm. [horn]
FRASER: Well, you're not alone.
WOMAN: [horn x3] Hey, keep your pants on, you jerk! [Fraser smiles and waves at the car beeping its horn. The woman turns back to him.] You're some kind of cop, aren't you? I think Bunny must have brought you to me for a reason.
CAB DRIVER: Lady.
WOMAN: Look — tonight. Come here. [beckons him closer, murmurs in his ear] Two o'clock at a liquor place called Canerico. Just don't tell anybody I told you, okay?
FRASER: I don't even know who you are.
WOMAN: Yeah, I know.
CAB DRIVER: Lady!
WOMAN: [sits back in her seat] You can go now.

The taxi drives off. (The car behind it does not, but never mind.) Vecchio walks up. His jacket is filthy, but his new sunglasses are not broken.

VECCHIO: What was that all about?
FRASER: I really don't know, Ray.
VECCHIO: Well, I gotta tell you, these shades aren't the answer. Ten seconds after I put them on, I got hit by a bicycle messenger —
FRASER: Well, don't throw them out. They may have brought you something interesting after all.

(Should the bicycle messenger have been riding on the street rather than the sidewalk?)

Credits roll.

Paul Gross
David Marciano
Beau Starr
Tony Craig
Catherine Bruhier

(plus Lincoln the dog)

Camilla Scott, Lisa Engelman, Nick Sandow, and Milton Berle as Shelley Litvak

Milton Berle (1908–2002) may be the biggest shot to have been on this show. (Ruffalo may have grown up to be a bigger shot, but he nor Ryan Phillippe weren't big stars when they guested here.) Bigger than Leslie Nielsen? I think maybe. For sure this is the first person who isn't Gordon Pinsent to get an "and/as" credit.

Scene 2

Someone with wire cutters is snipping a hole in a chain link fence. He has a small flashlight held between his teeth. He goes through the hole and creeps around to a corner of a building, then pulls a homemade bomb out of his bag. He pushes a couple of detonators into the C4, and then as he's placing the thing next to the building —

A COP: Freeze. Police.

Floodlights light up, sirens whoop, and a couple of uniformed cops come toward the guy with their guns drawn. He stands up carefully with his hands raised. Vecchio is supervising the investigation of this crime scene.

VECCHIO: Come on, move. Get in there. Nice tip, Benny. Who'd the lady say she was?
FRASER: She didn't. But I think I know where to look.

How does he know where to look?

Scene 3

Fraser and Vecchio are in a diner.

WAITRESS: I'm sorry, boys. I don't remember.
VECCHIO: How could you not remember?
FRASER: She was here yesterday. She's about five-three, a blonde, and was wearing a green coat.
WAITRESS: A picture. It might help. I'm visually oriented. [Fraser takes a pencil out of his collar and sits down to start drawing on the back of a paper placemat.]
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, we didn't think to take her picture.
WAITRESS: Oh, I wish I could help. Oh, would you — would you boys like a coffee?
VECCHIO: Yeah, a coffee would be great.
WAITRESS: Cream?
VECCHIO: No.
FRASER: All right, here you go, Ray. I'm afraid it's the best I can do.
VECCHIO: What, are you kidding me? It's perfect.
FRASER: No, it's not perfect. The angle of the line from the chin to the jawline —
VECCHIO: I said it's perfect. [He shows the picture to the waitress.]
WAITRESS: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I, I, I remember her. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
FRASER: Is there anything you can tell us about her?
WAITRESS: Nothing. I, I never saw her before.
VECCHIO: Look, did she say anything? Where she was from, where she was going? Maybe, you know, a hair appointment? Grandfather? Anything?
WAITRESS: No, not a word. Except . . . tuna surprise and tea with lemon. Does that help?
FRASER: [very kindly] No.
VECCHIO: All right, look, if you see her again, give me a call. [gives her his card]
FRASER: [gives her a tip] Thank you kindly.
WAITRESS: [goes to put the tip in her apron, stops] Boys? There was something particular about her money. Not like she kept them in her hat, like you, but here. Here's the tip she left me. [She shows them a bill folded several times the long way.] I, I don't know if it means anything or not, but, um, you don't see bills folded like this very often.
FRASER: No, you don't.
VECCHIO: Well, you do if you know where to look.

Is the diner the same place Fraser and Bob were eating when Victoria turned up? It looks pretty similar, but on the other hand, if you've seen one lunch counter, you've seen many, many of them. The diner is definitely playing "New World Coming" by Dawn Aitken on the stereo, which is a neat trick, as that song was written for s1e8 "Chicago Holiday part 2"—like, it exists in our world as a bit of soundtrack, but apparently it exists as a pop song in the world of the show as well. (Doylewise, it was probably cheaper than licensing a "real" song nobody would hear much of anyway.)

I think "How could you not remember" is a bullshit question for Vecchio to ask. People don't always remember things, and he's asking a waitress about a random customer without being able to tell her anything that necessarily should be memorable about her, so what the fuck? (But now Vecchio is the one who knows where to look, and at least this statement of "know where to look" is motivated.)

Scene 4

Fraser and Vecchio walk into a strip joint. Music cue: "Someone's Been Lying To Me" by Black Market. (In the background, not a montage.) Someone passes a bill folded long and thin over the bar and tucks it into a dancer's panty garter.

FRASER: You think it's likely she's an entertainer of this type, Ray?
VECCHIO: Yeah, where else you gonna find dollar bills folded so they'll stay in a g-string? [A dancer shimmies in front of Vecchio.] Thank you. [Fraser is trying to simultaneously avert his eyes, look around like he's in a museum, and nod politely to the dancers when they look at him.] Hey, Benny, you ever been in a place like this before?
FRASER: Not that I recall, Ray, no.
VECCHIO: Why? Don't they have these places up in the Yukon?
FRASER: Oh, sure. Sure they do. They're just not all that common, that's all.
VECCHIO: So what do you guys do for bachelor parties up there?
FRASER: Well, at the only one I've ever attended, Ray, a prize was awarded for the best impression of the mating call of a bull moose.
VECCHIO: Yeah, don't tell me, you won.
FRASER: All right.
VECCHIO: Huh?
FRASER: Nothing.

The dancer flips her hair down in front of Fraser's face.

Fraser is doing a lot better than he did in the lingerie emporium that time. Good for him, I feel like he's growing. Of course what I want to know is: Whose bachelor party did he attend where he won the prize for the moose call? I'll start the betting with Steve.

Scene 5

Fraser and Vecchio are in another strip joint. Music cue: "Shut Up" by National Velvet. (In the background, not a montage.) A dancer flips her hair up out from in front of Fraser's face.

VECCHIO: I hope this isn't too embarrassing for you, Benny.
FRASER: Ah, no, it's not embarrassing in the least, Ray.
VECCHIO: Then how come you're not looking?
FRASER: Well, I only saw the face of the woman we're tracking, and I don't believe I could recognize her by her other features.

A curtain swoops, and they're in a third strip joint, where a dancer is dressed in a sort of western theme outfit, taking her hat back with a grin. Music cue: Theme to "Bonanza".

FRASER: I'm sorry we're not being more successful, Ray. I, I may have to pick up with you again tomorrow. I have night duty at the consulate in an hour.

They go into a fourth place. Music cue: "I'd Rather Be Your Lover" by Black Market.

VECCHIO: All right, this is the last one. We're in, we look, we're gone, all right? Two.
GUY IN THE BOOTH: Twenty.
VECCHIO: Gimme a receipt.
GUY IN THE BOOTH: Receipt?
VECCHIO: That's what I said, a receipt.
GUY IN THE BOOTH: It's coming.
VECCHIO: Ten bucks a pop just to get in the door. No wonder these places make so much money.
GUY IN THE BOOTH: Your receipt.
VECCHIO: Thanks.
GUY IN THE BOOTH: Have a good time.
FRASER: Thank you kindly.

They go in. A couple of guys come out. There is music and dancing inside the place. A guy in a suit knocks on the booth window.

GUY IN A SUIT: Barry, what are you doing behind the cash?
GUY IN THE BOOTH (BARRY): [puts down his drink and climbs out under the counter] Ah, Mr. Ordover, how you doing? Well, I was just filling in for Julia, you know, the baby's sick.
GUY IN A SUIT (ORDOVER): Get someone else to fill in. You're not a bouncer anymore. You're management.
BARRY: You are absolutely right. You're absolutely right, Mr. Ordover. That, that's not gonna happen again.
ORDOVER: Atta boy. Any trouble from Litvak tonight?
BARRY: No, not at all, nothing, not a thing. [He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a wad of cash.] Here you go, everything was beautiful. Hey, uh, I, I, uh, heard about the bust last night.
ORDOVER: I lost a good man on that one.
BARRY: Yeah. Well, Mr. Ordover, if there's anything, absolutely anything I can do —
ORDOVER: Thanks, Bar. [tucking a small amount of the cash in Barry's breast pocket] I got a lot of ground to cover tonight.
BARRY: — you know, anything at all —
ORDOVER: Hey — [does a little pretend sparring move] — keep up the good work, huh?

Ordover leaves. Barry nods and does a little pretend sparring move of his own, but he isn't happy.

Are they laundering this money, or what?

I can find no lyrics to any of the songs where we can hear people singing. It doesn't help that there is also a song called "I'd Rather Be Your Lover" by Madonna, which this one is clearly not.

Scene 6

Inside the club, Fraser is looking at all the dancers' faces. Vecchio is looking at all the dancers.

FRASER: She's not here, Ray.
VECCHIO: All right, I'll get you back to work and keep looking myself.
FIRST DANCER: Ooh, nice uniform, soldier.
FRASER: Actually, I'm not a soldier, I'm a Mountie.
SECOND DANCER: I'll bet you are. [They pat his cheek as they slink by him.]
VECCHIO: You know, Benny, you got to let me borrow that uniform sometime. It's got a lot more juice than these glasses.
ANNOUNCER: And now, gentlemen, the jewel in our crown, the goddess of love, Aphrodite!

A clamshell opens and the young woman Fraser met in the back of the cab emerges.

VECCHIO: Hey, Benny, isn't that —?
FRASER: Yes, it is, Ray.
VECCHIO: Okay, you talk to her. She didn't see me, she saw you. Come on.
FRASER: Ray, I really do have to get going. Perhaps I'll, uh . . . I'll just try to schedule an appointment.
VECCHIO: No, you gotta make contact now.

They take two seats at the end of the stage. The dancer shimmies. Patrons nod appreciatively. Barry, from the booth, comes in, sits at the bar, gets another drink, and watches her. The dancer lies down on the floor and rolls over to where Fraser and Vecchio are sitting.

FRASER: Good evening, Ms. Aphrodite. [She gasps.] I wonder if I could —
WOMAN: What are you doing here?
FRASER: I would like to introduce you to a friend of mine. [Vecchio waves.]
WOMAN: No. I shouldn't have said anything to you before. Why don't you just leave me alone, okay?
FRASER: She doesn't want to talk to you, Ray.
VECCHIO: Well, I don't care. She has to.

Someone screams, and backup dancers start running onto the stage from the wings.

WOMAN: What's going on?

The backup dancers keep screaming and running. There are rats everywhere. Patrons jump up and start fleeing. Fraser picks up one of the rats. Barry jumps up onto the stage.

BARRY: Kill the music! Uh, sorry about this, folks. Uh, I'll give you all passes for another night. Uh, everything will be all right. This is a temporary problem.
VECCHIO: [looking at his new sunglasses] These things are useless.
PATRONS: Shoo. Get out of here. Ah, go on, get.
VECCHIO: Benny, you're holding a rat.
FRASER: Yes, I'm aware of that, Ray. [He brings the rat closer to his face.]
VECCHIO: Ugh, now you're kissing it?
FRASER: No, I'm smelling her breath, actually. [He kicks the door open and puts the rat down.] There you go. All right, off you go. You have nothing to be afraid of. Well, that — that may not be true in the larger scheme of things, but at least this ordeal is over. So, off you go. Toodle-oo.
WOMAN: Psst.
FRASER: Oh, hello.
WOMAN: Shh! We can't let anyone see me talking to you. Go to my apartment and let yourself in. Here's my spare key and my address. I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Take it.
FRASER: Very good.

What they're going for with the dancer appearing as she does is a reference to Botticelli's Venus on the Half-Shell The Birth of Venus, and I suppose I'll allow it. It's vaguely interesting to have an exotic dancer appear more dressed than what she's meant to be representing.

Scene 7

Fraser and Vecchio are at the woman's apartment. Fraser is speaking on the phone.

FRASER: Constable Turnbull? Yes, it's Constable Fraser. Listen, I wonder if you'd be so kind as to stay on duty for approximately twenty minutes until my arrival. . . . No, you won't get into trouble — I'm sure the insp— Turnbull. Turnbull? Calm down. . . . Now, you are just the messenger. She will not shoot you. . . . Well, if she does, I'll admit I was wrong. . . . [The woman comes in.] All right. Thank you kindly.
WOMAN: Hi.
FRASER: Hello, Ida.
WOMAN (IDA): How do you know my name?
VECCHIO: Saw it on the mailbox.
IDA: Oh, right. Nobody followed you here, did they?
FRASER: No.
IDA: Good. I figured they'd all be preoccupied at the club. I can't believe you tracked me. Who are you guys?
FRASER: I'm Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP.
IDA: What?
FRASER: Ah, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. And this is my friend, Detective Ray Vecchio.
IDA: Chicago PD. Oh, God. Look, I shouldn't have said anything to you guys yesterday, and I have nothing else to say now. So it was really nice to meet you and I hope you have a good night. [She holds the door open for them.]
VECCHIO: You know, Ada —
IDA: Ida.
VECCHIO: [closes the door, puts his arm around her shoulder, walks her back into the apartment] That crime that you tipped us off to? Well, that was pretty serious.
IDA: Yeah.
VECCHIO: We just want to know a little more about it.
IDA: Well, like I said, I, I, I mean, I can't say anything else.
VECCHIO: You know, as police, our job is to help you.
IDA: Uh-huh.
VECCHIO: Now, if you don't want to help us, we're gonna have to slap you with a subpoena.
IDA: Oh, God. I've been such an idiot.
FRASER: No, Ida, you're not. You were concerned about something. You acted responsibly. You have a good conscience.
VECCHIO: She's a stripper!
IDA: Dancer. I don't think I like you very much.
VECCHIO: You don't have to like me. You just have to talk to me.
FRASER: You're worried about someone. A man. A man who smokes too much.
IDA: How did you know that?
FRASER: Well, you don't smoke, and yet you have ashtrays stationed everywhere in your apartment. He also drinks rather more than you would like. The indentation on the lacquer of this chest suggests that there was a decanter here until recently. Then you became concerned, and you removed the liquor so there'd be less temptation, but it didn't work, did it?
IDA: No.
FRASER: You wish he would stop doing what he's doing and let you take care of him.
IDA: Yeah. You got all that from just looking around my apartment?
FRASER: Yes.
IDA: Wow.
VECCHIO: Who's the guy?
IDA: I'm not talking to you.
VECCHIO: Ask her who the guy is.
FRASER: She's not going to betray him, Ray.
VECCHIO: Tell her she has no choice. [There are horns and squealing tires and some crashing noises from outside.]
IDA: Oh my God. [She goes to look out the window.] Oh my God, oh my God. He's here. He's here. Oh, quick, quick, get, get in the closet.
FRASER: Right you are.
VECCHIO: I am not getting in the closet.
IDA: Well, you know, he can't find you here. It, it, it'll ruin everything. You —
VECCHIO: I am not getting in the closet. I'm going to stand right here till he comes upstairs, and we're going to have a little chat.
FRASER: [flips the closet door blinds up] Ray, please get in the closet. [flips the closet door blinds down]
VECCHIO: Benny, get out of the closet.
FRASER: [blinds up] Ray, get in the closet. [blinds down]
VECCHIO: I am not getting in the closet.
FRASER: [blinds up] Ray, if you don't get in the closet, you'll lose your source. [blinds down]

Vecchio flips the closet door blinds up, for that is where he is, so he can see what's going on out in the apartment.

BARRY: What a night. Can you believe it, babe, these, these these rats, right in the damn club?
IDA: Are you all right?
BARRY: Yeah. I had to get out of there. This — I closed the place down, called the exterminator. [Ida goes to put Barry's jacket on the back of the couch and sees Fraser's hat. Fraser flips the closet door blinds down, opens the closet door, and gestures; Ida frisbees him his hat; he closes the door again.] This is getting serious, babe. I need a drink.
IDA: Baby, you been drinking all day.
BARRY: Hey, I don't have enough grief already? You know? How'm I gonna get through this, baby, if you're gonna give it to me too?
IDA: Baby, you been acting so tense lately. Come on, you can talk to me.
BARRY: You, you don't understand, baby. Business is business. You — you don't need to know. You don't — you don't want to know.
VECCHIO: [whispering] I want to know.

Vecchio's sojourn into the world of Good Cop lasted about four seconds, yeah? And then it's threatening witnesses with subpoenas and implying a person can't both have a conscience and work as an exotic dancer, and sigh. (I don't know how Fraser knows Ida doesn't smoke.)

Scene 8

Barry has fallen asleep on the couch.

VECCHIO: He's conked. Let's get out of here. [He and Fraser emerge from the closet.]
IDA: Are you guys all right?
FRASER: We're fine.
VECCHIO: No, we're not all right.
IDA: Thank you so much for doing this. Just tiptoe out, okay?
VECCHIO: Not until you tell me who that guy is.
IDA: That's Barry Pappas, my boyfriend, although I'm starting to wonder why.
VECCHIO: Barry Pappas. Didn't he used to be a fighter?
IDA: That's right.
VECCHIO: I lost money on that guy.
BARRY: Shut up.
IDA: Shh.
BARRY: I, I, I can do it, just give me a shot.
VECCHIO: Who's he talking to?
IDA: Oh, I, I didn't want you to hear this.
BARRY: Tomorrow. I, I'll fix it for you.
FRASER: So this is how you knew about the liquor truck.
IDA: Uh-huh.
BARRY: I, I'll burn it to the ground.
IDA: I'm not gonna wake him up and ask him.
VECCHIO: All right, fine, I will.
IDA: No.
FRASER: You probably won't have to. He's in a fourth stage REM trance enhanced by the effects of alcohol.
IDA: Well, what's that mean?
FRASER: It means he's talking in his sleep.
IDA: Well, you could have just said so.
VECCHIO: All right, Barry. Talk to me. What are you gonna burn?
BARRY: Uh . . what you said.
VECCHIO: What did I say?
BARRY: Uh . . . warehouse. Third and Green. Midnight. You're gonna let me do it, right?
VECCHIO: Yeah, we're gonna let you do it, just tell us whose warehouse are you gonna burn. Barry. Barry. Barry.
BARRY: [turns over and hugs Vecchio] Ah, baby, you're the best. You're the best, baby.
IDA: All right, are you satisfied?
VECCHIO: No, I am not satisfied. Now, what I need from you is to get a tape recorder and record everything he says, do you hear me?
IDA: Yeah, well Barry's all I got, and I'm doing everything I can to keep him out of trouble, and now you want to put him in jail and I'm not gonna have anybody.
VECCHIO: Will you shut up and just get me out of this?
FRASER: Ma'am, do you think you could . . .?
IDA: Not till he apologizes.
VECCHIO: I'm not apologizing to her.
FRASER: Ray.
BARRY: Come here, baby.
VECCHIO: Okay, okay, I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry.
IDA: Fine. Come on, baby. Come on, baby. Here you go. [She helps Barry turn back over again and get off Vecchio.]
FRASER: Thank you kindly.
VECCHIO: All right. Make sure you call me. [He gives her his card and splits.]
FRASER: [before he goes] You know, Ida, I think there probably is a good man waiting for you somewhere. One more worthy of your affection. Possibly one who can stay awake.
BARRY: Shut up.
FRASER: Sorry. Good night.
IDA: Good night.

How much illegal gambling does Vecchio do?! Playing poker for large amounts of money and betting on prize fights?

Scene 9

Fraser and Diefenbaker go into his office at the consulate.

FRASER: Turnbull, I, um —
THATCHER: I sent him home, Constable. Over two hours ago. Would you care to tell me where you've been?
FRASER: [clears his throat] Well, I, I — I've been in a closet, ma'am.
THATCHER: Any particular closet?
FRASER: An exotic dancer's closet.
THATCHER: Well, that's your business, of course.
FRASER: Ah, well, I don't think you understand, ma'am. I was, I was in the closet with Detective Vecchio.
THATCHER: I think that's all I care to hear about it, Constable. Perhaps you'll take the assignment I'm about to give you as an opportunity to reflect on the importance of punctuality.

She leaves the office. Fraser looks worried. The next morning, he is on mannequin guard duty outside the consulate. A pigeon lands on his hat.

Thatcher's backlash against last episode's smoochies is right on cue.

Scene 10

Vecchio is on his way into the squad room with Elaine.

ELAINE: This is everything I could find on Mount Olympus, Ray. There's been some disturbances there recently with their plumbing and electricity and then the rats last night. But they haven't filed any complaints.
VECCHIO: Thanks, Elaine.
HUEY: [to a person he has arrested, as they walk by] You got a lawyer or not? What's the deal?
WELSH: Huey, nice work on that B and E. It's got to be at least a seven.
HUEY: Thank you, Lieutenant.
VECCHIO: A seven for a B and E? You gotta be kidding me. That can't be worth more than a four.
HUEY: Hmm, four for the bust, three for artistic interpretation.
VECCHIO: Yeah, gimme a break.
WELSH: Vecchio.
ELAINE: Ray?

She mimes removing glasses. Vecchio removes his new sunglasses.

I don't know what's going on with this points system Huey and Vecchio are talking about, but it's good to see Huey getting his sea legs back.

Scene 11

Vecchio goes into Welsh's office.

WELSH: Close the door. Vecchio, what is this?
VECCHIO: Expense report, sir.
WELSH: Two hundred and twenty dollars for strip clubs.
VECCHIO: I had to go to a lot of them, sir.
WELSH: Here I'm thinking you're out chasing a bomber, and you're going to strip joints. Vecchio, you are in no position to yank my chain.
VECCHIO: With all due respect, sir, I wouldn't call a shot at taking down Mark Ordover yanking your chain.
WELSH: [interested] Mark Ordover? My-colleagues-in-the-fourteenth-and-twenty-second-would-love-to-take-him-down Mark Ordover?
VECCHIO: None other, sir. He's the bankroll behind the Mount Olympus Club, and I have reason to believe he's the man who ordered the bombing.
WELSH: What have you got on him?
VECCHIO: I spoke to one of his people. They're gonna be burning down a warehouse.
WELSH: He told you that?
VECCHIO: I heard it right from his lips.
WELSH: All right, Detective. You got a full team at the warehouse.
VECCHIO: Thank you, sir.
WELSH: And Vecchio?
VECCHIO: Sir.
WELSH: Stopping a possible mob war, that'd be a ten.
VECCHIO: A ten, sir? [Welsh nods.] Thank you.

Vecchio leaves the office with a smile and puts his shades back on. Huey is in the squad room.

HUEY: Why stop it?
VECCHIO: Stop what?
HUEY: The mob. Beating each other up. Let them take each other out. They're just doing our job for us.

You stop them because they're not the only ones getting hurt when they fight one another, Huey. Your job is to protect and serve, is it not?

Scene 12

Fraser is doing his mannequin guard duty in front of the consulate. Ida hops out of a cab.

IDA: Hey! Hey. It's me, Ida Banks from last night. Oh! Hello? [laughs] I get it. You can't move, right? Or talk or nothing, huh? Yeah, maybe that ain't so bad, a guy who doesn't talk back. Anyway, I been thinking about what you said, about how there's a good man out there for me? And then it hit me. You were talking about you. See, the thing is, Barry, he used to be the sweetest guy. I mean, when he was a bouncer, he was so shy he could hardly even watch me dance, and I liked that, you know? But the last couple months, ever since he got this job and he was promoted assistant manager, he's been all different and stressy and drinking and talking in his sleep and telling me to shut up all the time and — [She runs her hands over his back and shoulders, then slips her hand between the buttons of his tunic.] — I just want a guy who's gonna treat me nice, you know? So am I right or what? [Of course he does not respond. She hugs him.] You know, you really are a gentleman. [playing with his tunic button] If you want to ask me out some time, I just might say yes. I mean, that is, if, um, Barry doesn't clean up his act, I mean. Anyway — [playing with his lanyard] — I got to get going. See you around, Mr. Mountie.

She hops back in her cab. Thatcher, on her way in to the consulate, has seen this whole monologue and glares at Ida as she departs, then at Fraser, and then goes inside.

FRASER: [out of the corner of his mouth] Oh, dear.

Scene 13

Vecchio, Fraser, Huey, and Diefenbaker are staking out the warehouse.

VECCHIO: [on his walkie-talkie] Here they come. Hold your positions. [A couple of guys with gas cans are moving around in the shadows.]
FRASER: You have any luck finding out who owns this place?
VECCHIO: Yeah, it's a dummy corporation. Which usually means mob money. I've got Elaine working on it right now. These things are pretty tough to crack.
HUEY: They've got enough gas to burn down the whole block. [The guys with gas cans are at the loading dock.]
VECCHIO: [into his walkie-talkie] Let's get 'em.
HUEY: Let's go.

The cops scramble. Lights light up, sirens whoop, the guys at the side door—one with and one without a moustache—are surprised. No Moustache raises a pistol.

FRASER: Gun!

Huey fires at No Moustache. No Moustache fires at Huey. Both are hit. Uniformed cops handcuff the miscreants. Vecchio rushes to Huey.

VECCHIO: You all right?
HUEY: Yeah. Just winged my vest.
VECCHIO: Sorry, Jack. Maybe you were right. We should have let them take each other out.

A woman climbs out from where she's been camping in a crate by the loading dock. She has a couple of kids with her.

MOTHER: Don't shoot! We didn't do anything.
HUEY: Maybe not.

That's right, there are other people affected by what the police and the Mob do! Who knew? It's almost like we live in a society.

Scene 14

Ordover is at the club, unhappy.

ORDOVER: Unbelievable.
BARRY: What?
ORDOVER: The police were at the warehouse waiting for my guys.
BARRY: Again? That's two times in a row.
ORDOVER: Well, somebody must be talking.
BARRY: No, not me.
ORDOVER: If I find the leak it is not gonna be pretty.
BARRY: Mr. Ordover, if there's anything I can do. Anything.
ORDOVER: There might be.

See, if I were Ordover, and I said "Somebody must be talking" and the guy in front of me said "No, not me," that's the point I'd begin to suspect him if I weren't already. Barry would have done better to say something like "Who do you think it is?" But: Why wasn't Barry one of the guys the police found at the warehouse? Given that when he was talking in his sleep he was begging to be allowed to do it and promising that he would.

Scene 15

Fraser and Vecchio are walking away from where Huey is in an ambulance, presumably just as a precaution.

VECCHIO: So what do you feel like, Benny? Chinese? Italian? Barbecue? It's your call.
FRASER: [stops walking] Barbecue.
VECCHIO: All right, I know a great place for ribs.
FRASER: No, no, Ray. The rat I examined. Her breath? It had the scent of barbecue sauce and barbecue ribs on it. Now it was partially digested, of course, which is why it took me so long to place it.
VECCHIO: So what does that mean?
FRASER: Well, Mount Olympus doesn't offer ribs on his menu. So that's probably not where the rat got the food.
VECCHIO: So the rats were imported.
FRASER: Well, possibly. So if we can locate the source of the sauce, then we may be able to find the saboteur who released the rats into Mount Olympus.
VECCHIO: All right, so let's recap. I got a guy who talks in his sleep and a stripper who's ripping your clothes off.
FRASER: No, I didn't say she was trying to rip my clothes off. I said she merely slipped her hand — [Vecchio cocks his head.] It's not important. [Vecchio smiles and nods. Fraser nods. Vecchio's phone rings.]
VECCHIO: Vecchio.
IDA: Detective? It's me, Ida. Barry talked in his sleep again. [Behind her, in the bed, Barry is tossing and turning and mumbling.] It's bad this time. He's gonna kill someone.

Is it important that Fraser keeps referring to the rat as "her" rather than "it"?

Scene 16

Ida is packing out her dressing room at the Mount Olympus club. Fraser and Vecchio are with her.

IDA: You dance 'cause you love it, and then you dance to make money, and I don't mind the taking my clothes off part so much. I really don't. I mean, Isadora Duncan did say that clothes were dishonest anyway. And then you meet a guy, you think that he's the sweetest person in the whole world, and he ends up being a killer. Excuse me. [She takes a flimsy bit of costume from Vecchio and throws it in her bag.]
VECCHIO: Ida, can we focus here?
IDA: Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm focused. I'm really focused. [to Fraser] Can you get that teddy, please?
FRASER: Ida, who did Barry say that he was going to kill?
IDA: Like he's gonna tell me. Okay, I'm gonna be better off without him.
VECCHIO: No, you can't leave him.
FRASER: Well, Ray, she has to do what she thinks is right.
VECCHIO: Benny, you want to work with me here? Look, Ida, you said that you loved him, right?
IDA: Yeah, I did.
VECCHIO: All right. Now, Barry, he's been under a lot of pressure lately, and he's not at his best.
IDA: You're just saying that because you want me to keep telling you what he says in his sleep.
VECCHIO: If that's what it's going to take to prevent a murder? Yes.
FRASER: Ida, can you think of anyone who'd want to hurt Barry?
IDA: Someone wants to hurt Barry?
VECCHIO: Ida, he's into some very serious stuff here.
IDA: Yeah, well, you talk to him, because he won't listen to me anymore anyway. [She picks up her bags and is about to leave.]
FRASER: Ma'am. Your teddy.
IDA: You know, I, um . . . I'm still available. That is, if you still wanna go out with me some time.
FRASER: Ida, I, I hope I didn't mislead you in any way, um —
IDA: No, no, no, see, the invitation, it's, uh, still good. [She is playing with his belt and his lanyard. He is trying to look anywhere but at her.] That is, if you're, um, a decent guy and not a crumb like Barry.
FRASER: [clears his throat] Thank you.
IDA: Yes.
FRASER: Thank you.
IDA: Well, Bunny and I have to go.
FRASER: Well, uh, good night.
IDA: Good night.

She kisses him on the cheek and biffs off. Vecchio is about to die from terminal smirk.

Isadora Duncan was an important dancer in the early 20th century, arguably the creator of modern dance. I can't find anywhere she's quoted as saying clothing is dishonest, but she did eschew corsets, high collars, long sleeves, and other constricting garments and performed in Greek-inspired loose flowing tunics, leaving her arms and legs visible, and with her feet bare. (Scandale!)

Scene 17

Elaine brings a ton of takeout to Vecchio's desk, where Fraser and Diefenbaker are already eating ribs.

ELAINE: Little Tony's Rib Pit, the Rib Shack, Ribs On Rhonda, and Tickle My Ribs. I think you have all the ribs on the South Side. Do you mind if I ask what's going on?
VECCHIO: They're tasting them.
ELAINE: I can see that. I meant, why.
VECCHIO: You don't want to know.
ELAINE: Try me.
VECCHIO: All right. Rat breath. [Diefenbaker grumbles.]
ELAINE: Ah.
VECCHIO: I told you you don't want to know.
FRASER: [scolding Diefenbaker] Ah, ah, ah, ah. Don't wolf it down. You're supposed to taste it. Now, remember, we're looking for a combination of jalapeño peppers and raw-comb honey in a one-to-four ratio.
VECCHIO: You know, Fraser, we've been at this all morning. Do you mind if we move on?
FRASER: Well, you could help me.
VECCHIO: I don't think so. All right, I'm gonna go shake Barry's peaches.
FRASER: Well, he hasn't done anything, Ray. And if we can find the right sauce, we'll have found a piece of the larger picture.
VECCHIO: You want to know what the larger picture is? Me without a source. Now I got to catch something for my troubles, even if it is a minnow like Barry.

Diefenbaker whines with his nose in a box of ribs.

FRASER: Wait a minute. [He takes a rib out of Diefenbaker's mouth, sniffs it, and licks it.]
VECCHIO: Oh, that's disgusting.
FRASER: This is it. [He hands Vecchio the box.]
VECCHIO: The Kit Kat Corral? This ain't no minnow.

The 1:4 ratio of jalapeños and honey makes me wonder: Can Diefenbaker do math?

Scene 18

The Kit Kat Corral has signs out front advertising it as "THE BEST PARTY IN TOWN" and featuring "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS ALL DAY." Fraser and Vecchio go inside.

MILTON FREAKING BERLE: Well, howdy, partners.
FRASER: Howdy.
VECCHIO: Yeah, howdy to you, too, partner. We're looking for Litvak.
MILTON FREAKING BERLE: Well, you moseyed into the right saloon, buckaroos. I'm Litvak. What's on your mind?
FRASER: Tomatoes; vinegar; sugar, both brown and white; mustard; Worcestershire sauce; and jalapeño peppers with raw-comb honey in a one-to-four combination.
MILTON FREAKING BERLE (LITVAK): You gonna bust me for my mother's rib recipe? Is that what you're gonna do?
VECCHIO: No, how about fifty rats chasing away the customers of Mount Olympus?
LITVAK: Hey, pal, don't blame me. Maybe those rats were just looking for one of their own kind.
VECCHIO: Yeah, and maybe you're not up to the competition.
LITVAK: Mark Ordover? Competition? Hell, you must be kidding.
GIRLS: Howdy, Shelley.
LITVAK: Howdy, girls. See that? That's the real reason I love this business.
FRASER: Mr. Litvak, I'd like to take a look in your kitchen, if you don't mind.
LITVAK: What for?
VECCHIO: Evidence linking you to the rats.
LITVAK: Hey, kid, you don't seriously think that I could go down for rat food, do you?
VECCHIO: No, but he does, and that's all that counts.

Litvak points, and one of his guys shows Fraser back to the kitchen.

ONE OF LITVAK'S GUYS: Come on with me to the kitchen. It's back here.
LITVAK: All that counts. What the hell do you mean by that?
VECCHIO: We want you to call a truce with Ordover.
LITVAK: Truce? You must be kidding. He'd only break it. That punk's got the ethics of a rattlesnake.
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, when he breaks it, you give me a call. [hands over his business card] 'Cause if you get me something I can use on Ordover, maybe nobody has to know about the rats.
LITVAK: Fair enough, partner. Now why don't you get along, little dogy. I have seventy-five candles to blow out tonight. Gotta conserve my breath.
VECCHIO: Happy trails to you, partner. [He walks away.]
LITVAK: [watching him go] Nelson.
NELSON: Yes, Mr. Litvak.
LITVAK: I let that Mountie look, but I can do without those two guys, Frick and Frack. Make sure that I don't see them anymore. Understand me?

Fraser comes out of the kitchen with a ramekin of barbecue sauce.

FRASER: This is the sauce. [He hands it to Vecchio, who sniffs. Fraser looks at where the dancers are practicing.] Ida? That you?
IDA: [weeping in a chair by the stage] Oh, hi.
FRASER: What are you doing here?
IDA: Making a living. They gave me a job. But I miss Barry.
VECCHIO: Great! Well, not that you miss Barry, in fact, uh, maybe it's time for a reconciliation.
IDA: I'm not going to get back together with Barry so I can rat on him.
VECCHIO: No, not just so you can just rat on him.
IDA: Don't you get it? I just want the old Barry back.
VECCHIO: Well, if we don't find out who Barry's gonna kill —
FRASER: Ray, Ray. Can I have a word with you? Excuse us. [He and Vecchio step to one side.]
VECCHIO: We'd better talk to Welsh, put a twenty-four-hour tail on this guy.
FRASER: I think I'd like to try something else.

When Litvak says "get along, little dogy," he's referring to the lyrics of a cowboy ballad or cattle-driving song:

Whoopie-tee-yi-yo, git along, little dogy
It's your misfortune and none of my own
Whoopie-tee-yi-yo, git along, little dogy
For you know Wyoming will be your new home.

A dogy is an orphaned calf in a herd of cattle. There's apparently a lot of "Get Along Little Doggie" all over Al Gore's Internet, but it's nonsense; you don't drive herds of dogs.

Scene 19

Barry is working out at a gym, punching a heavy bag.

FRASER: Excuse me.
BARRY: Hey, this a private club, pal.
FRASER: Well, actually, I came to see you.
BARRY: Me? I know you?
FRASER: No. But I know you.
BARRY: That's a good one. I ain't heard that one in a long time. That's what guys used to say when they wanted me to throw a fight.
FRASER: But you never did, did you?
BARRY: No. No. But I might as well have. Hey listen, Red, if you're gonna stand there and talk, why don't you come over here and hold the bag so I don't cool down.
FRASER: All right. You know, I stopped at the library on the way over. Looked up some old articles on your career. It was very promising for a while.
BARRY: Yeah, you win some, you lose some, huh?
FRASER: In the end, it seems you lost rather more than you won.
BARRY: Listen, I fought my heart out every time.
FRASER: You know, my friend Ray describes one of your fights. He bet a substantial amount of money on you.
BARRY: He wants his money back, tell him to forget it.
FRASER: No, it's not about the money. What he describes is the third round. You'd hit your opponent with three solid hooks. His legs were rubbery, he was about to go down, all you needed was one more punch, yet you didn't have the heart to throw that punch. Your opponent recovered and knocked you out in the fourth.
BARRY: Yeah, well, if I had to do it all over again, I'd throw the stupid punch.
FRASER: But according to your records, you never did. And that's why people started calling you a loser.
BARRY: Listen, I'm not a loser.
FRASER: No, I know you're not. I know that. Particularly not to people who matter.
BARRY: What's your point? Get to your point.
FRASER: I'm a friend of Ida's, and we'll be at the Twelfth Street Grill at seven o'clock, if you'd care to join us.

Fraser leaves the gym.

I guess the point of this conversation is that Barry doesn't follow through?

Scene 20

Barry is on the street sucking on a lollipop. A car pulls up to the curb and he goes over to it.

ORDOVER: Hey, Barry. You wanted to see me?
BARRY: Yeah, Mr. Ordover, I gotta tell ya, I've been having second thoughts.
ORDOVER: Really.
BARRY: Yeah, it's just that — well, I, I've got some stuff to straighten out with Ida. She —
ORDOVER: Wait a second, I thought that was over. I thought your mind was on the business at hand.
BARRY: Well, it is. It is, believe me.
ORDOVER: What's important to you? I mean, do you want to move up in the world? Or do you like the view from the bottom?
BARRY: Well, I want to be someone.
ORDOVER: Then think about what's best for Barry right now.
BARRY: Yeah, but Ida, she —
ORDOVER: No, no, Barry, you're not listening. Think about it. [He rolls up the window and turns to his henchman.] I got a job for you, Leo.

Here he is not following through on the assignment to kill someone, for example.

Scene 21

Vecchio is sitting at the counter at the 12th Street Grill, on the phone, when Fraser arrives.

VECCHIO: Yeah, thanks, Elaine. Great work. [hangs up] Hey, Benny. Well, you were right about Litvak. He's the money behind the warehouse and that liquor dump.
FRASER: Well, that's good. I thought you'd be here with Ida.
VECCHIO: Ah, she'll be here. She just stopped home to change. How about Barry? Is he gonna come?
FRASER: Well, I guess we'll know when he gets here.
VECCHIO: You think you could be a little more noncommittal?
FRASER: Well, I didn't put a gun to his head.
VECCHIO: You know, Benny, you need a good luck charm. Something that'll give you a little more optimism.
FRASER: I happen to think I'm very optimistic, Ray.
VECCHIO: All right. Then tell me that Barry's going to show. That you feel it in your gut.
FRASER: Well, I can't, empirically. I don't know whether he's going to show.
VECCHIO: See? No optimism.
FRASER: All right. [He flags down a waitress.] Excuse me? We'll have four menus, please. [to Vecchio] Satisfied?
VECCHIO: Yeah, it's a start.
FRASER: Thank you kindly.

So Ordover is systematically attacking Litvak. Why? Maybe just because he's bigger?

Scene 22

Ida is at home fixing her hair. She looks at her watch and realizes she'd better hurry; she dashes through the apartment grabbing her things, opens the door to leave, then goes back inside to get Bunny, her good luck charm. She's looking at the stuffie when she steps back into the hall, so she doesn't see Leo and another tough guy coming up behind her, but they do, and they grab her and literally carry her whimpering back into her apartment.

One doesn't care to think what they're going to do to her.

Scene 23

Vecchio and Fraser are both looking at their watches. It's about 7:15.

VECCHIO: She gets back to her apartment, goes to the john, that's two minutes.
FRASER: She applies her makeup. That's an additional ten minutes.
VECCHIO: Changes her clothes. Five or six more.
FRASER: Something's wrong.
VECCHIO: Let's go.

They leave the 12th Street Grill.

This is a surprisingly sensible assessment by Fraser and Vecchio of how long it will take Ida to change and do makeup and get out of her apartment again. By which I mean, usually isn't this sort of thing played for laughs? Men think "oh my God, a woman went back upstairs to fix her makeup and change her clothes, we'll never see her again," but these guys assume she will be timely joining them so they're alarmed when she doesn't.

Scene 24

Barry is in his office at the club. The phone rings.

BARRY: Pappas.
IDA: It's Ida.
BARRY: Hey, baby, I was just thinking about you.
IDA: Well, don't.
BARRY: Don't, don't what?
IDA: Think about me. I'm not gonna be meeting you at the diner, Barry, so don't bother showing up.
BARRY: What? What do you mean?
IDA: Mr. Litvak offered to pay me me twice as much money to dance than you ever did. He's a really nice guy, and he told me that he was gonna introduce me to all kinds of guys who are really good-looking and successful, so I'm sorry, Barry, but — [There is a gun to her head.] — I officially don't want to see you anymore.
BARRY: Wait a second. Ida, you, you're talking crazy. I love you.
IDA: I gotta go. [She hangs up. Ordover comes into Barry's office.]
ORDOVER: Hey, what is it, Barry?
BARRY: She, she dumped me. She — she's working for Litvak.
ORDOVER: Women. They'll do this to you every time.
BARRY: No, no, not, not, not Ida.
ORDOVER: They see a greener pasture, they're gone. It's tough to know who your friends are sometimes.
BARRY: Litvak, that son of a bitch. I'll show him. Mr. Ordover, you — you didn't get anybody else to do the job, did you?
ORDOVER: Ah, Barry, look, forget about it. I know you're not feeling sure on this one.
BARRY: No, I'll do it. [He takes a gun out of his desk drawer.] When do you want me to do it?

Ordover is fairly good at that reverse psychology thing.

Scene 25

Fraser and Vecchio knock on Ida's door. Fraser sees Bunny, the good luck charm, on the floor outside the apartment door. Vecchio puts his sunglasses on top of his head and pulls his gun; they both step back; they both kick the door in. Ida is tied to a chair with a gag in her mouth, trying to tell them something, and then Leo and the other tough guy throw open the doors of Chekov's Closet and come out aiming their guns at our heroes.

FRASER: They came out of the closet, Ray.

Ida rolls her eyes and says something unintelligible through her gag.

It's not clear if Fraser is using "came out of the closet" metaphorically as well as literally, or what.

Scene 26

Vecchio, Fraser, and Ida are now all tied to chairs and gagged. Fraser is trying to tell the others something; he's speaking in completely unintelligible complete sentences. Then he notices Vecchio's sunglasses on the floor. He nods toward them. Vecchio makes an understanding noise. Fraser scoots his chair over toward the sunglasses. He does a short mumble ("One —"); Vecchio does a short mumble ("Two —"); Fraser does a long mumble ("Three!") and pushes his chair over backwards onto Vecchio's sunglasses. Vecchio mumbles what is probably "Hey, are you okay?" Fraser mumbles "Oh, I'm fine, Ray," and starts wriggling to try to cut his bonds with the broken edges of the sunglasses. The mumbled conversation continues.

I have no doubt Fraser and Vecchio understood each other perfectly through all this dialogue.

Scene 27

People are arriving at the Kit Kat Corral for Litvak's 75th birthday party.

BOUNCER: Private party, folks. Invitation only.

Barry is lurking in the alley. A guy parks his car and gets out, taking his invitation out of his coat pocket.

BARRY: Hey, brother, your lights are on.

The guy instinctively looks back at his car; Barry punches him out and takes his invitation.

Scene 28

Fraser is still on Ida's floor, mumbling and cutting the rope tying his wrist. He finally does get it cut, and then he sits up and pulls the gag from his mouth.

FRASER: Ah. So, although Uncle Purvis did instruct me in the essence of escape maneuvers, I was never quite able to manage the art of dislocating my joints. Although they say that skill is actually hereditary, so I'm sorry about your sunglasses, Ray. [He has got Vecchio's gag untied and turns to Ida's.]
VECCHIO: Well, at least they were good for something.
IDA: Those guys made me say terrible things to Barry.
VECCHIO: Like what?
IDA: Like that I had to leave him for Shelley Litvak.
FRASER: [untying Vecchio's and Ida's hands] It's an interesting plan. I suggest we move quickly.

Nonsense! Fraser dislocated his shoulder to get out of a straitjacket not 18 months ago.

Scene 29

Shelley Litvak is greeting guests at the bar in his Kit Kat Corral. Barry is moving through the crowd furtively. Fraser and Vecchio and Ida are at the door.

NELSON: Invitations, please.
VECCHIO: [showing his badge] This is my invitation, pal.
NELSON: Unless you have a warrant to go with that, I'm afraid you're out of luck.
VECCHIO: I'm afraid your boss is in serious danger.
NELSON: I find that hard to believe.
VECCHIO: What are we gonna do now? [The three of them head around to the side of the building.]
FRASER: Well, I'm sure it's not an insoluble problem, Ray.
VECCHIO: What are you gonna do? Ask somebody for their invitation?
FRASER: That's a good idea. [He stops someone on their way to the party.] Excuse me. I have reason to believe that the life of someone in that club is in danger. I wonder if I could use your invitation to gain entrance. [The guy gives him the invitation.] Thank you kindly.

Fraser takes the invite and is promptly allowed inside, but the bouncer closes the door on Vecchio. Vecchio tries this on the next two people coming toward the place.

VECCHIO: Hi, excuse me, there's somebody in there who's in danger. You think I could — [The guy shakes his head and goes around him to the door.] Pardon me, there's a man —

Fraser taking Vecchio's suggestion literally and then it immediately working out for him is an extremely satisfying throwback to the early days of this show and I love it very much.

Scene 30

Inside the club, the party is in full swing.

DANCER ON THE PA: Ladies and gentlemen, how about a great big happy birthday to the kindest, the handsomest, the most honest man you'd ever want to meet. The king of the Kit Kat Corral, Mr. Shelley "Ride 'em Cowboy" Litvak. [Everyone applauds and cheers.]
LITVAK: [tipping his hat and blowing kisses] Thank you. Thank you, folks. Thank you. And, ah, thank you, honey. You said it just the way I wrote it. [Everyone laughs.]
PARTYGOERS: ♫ Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Shelleeeeey — happy birthday to you! ♫

While everyone is singing, a big southwestern-themed cake is being wheeled in. Barry moves around so he can see Litvak from backstage. Litvak is talking to Nelson, but Barry has a clear shot. At the end of the song, a blonde girl pops up out of the cake, of course. She's wearing a Sexy Mountie outfit—red halter bra with gold stars on it, red satin jacket hanging open, gold sash around her neck; black bikini bottom, black garter belt, black stockings and heels. Bump and grind music plays as a couple of guys lift her over the cake's edges.

LITVAK: Now, that's how a Mountie should look.

The blonde Sexy Mountie dancer comes over and gives Litvak a kiss on the cheek. Meanwhile, a brunette Sexy Mountie dancer pops up out of another cake and does a bit of shimmying. She comes over to give Litvak a kiss on the cheek while another blonde Sexy Mountie dancer pops up out of a third cake. Fraser is prowling around the crowd, looking for Barry, and finally sees him lurking in the wings and taking aim at Litvak. Fraser rushes up onto the stage with Litvak and Nelson and the three Sexy Mountie dancers, blocking Barry's shot.

SEXY MOUNTIE DANCERS: Hey, get down off the stage!
LITVAK: You. What the hell are you doing here?
FRASER: Don't do this, Barry.

Barry emerges from backstage, still pointing his gun at Litvak.

PATRONS: He's got a gun! Oh no!
BARRY: He ruined my life, Red. He took my Ida.
FRASER: It was Ordover who had Ida kidnapped.
LITVAK: [peeking out from behind Fraser] Yeah!
FRASER: He forced her to make that call.
LITVAK: [peeking out from behind Fraser] He's right.
FRASER: He knew you'd be so angry that you'd try to kill Litvak for stealing your girl.
LITVAK: [peeking out from behind Fraser] Right again.
BARRY: Then where's Ida? [Ida pops up out of yet another birthday cake.] Ida!
IDA: It's true, Barry. Everything he said is true.
BARRY: Ida, you — you still love me?
IDA: Yes. With, with very few conditions. One of them is that you put down the gun, Barry.
VECCHIO: [coming up next to Barry and carefully pushing down his hand holding the gun] And the other? You give us everything you have on Mark Ordover.
BARRY: Ida. [He rushes to her.]
IDA: Barry. [Barry hugs her.] Oh, my Barry.
PATRONS: Aww. [Barry and Ida kiss and hug again.]
LITVAK: All right, folks. So much for the showdown. Let's start the hoedown!

This suggestion meets with general approval. The Sexy Mountie dancers line up on the stage as the music begins and salute. The first blonde throws her jacket open and shrugs it off her shoulders with a big smile. The brunette does the same. The second blonde does the same. Fraser is next to her, realizes it's apparently his turn, and dives into one of the cakes the girls jumped out of.

How did Vecchio get in, though?

Scene 31

Fraser is standing outside the 12th Street Grill. Vecchio comes out, leading Ordover in handcuffs. A siren whoops. Vecchio hands Ordover off to a couple of uniforms and joins Fraser.

VECCHIO: You know, Benny, those glasses were driving me crazy. I think I'm done with this superstition thing. No more lucky pennies, no more magic pencils, no more chanting.
FRASER: You chant, Ray?
VECCHIO: Well, not anymore. From now on it's hard evidence and empirical logic.
FRASER: It's a wise decision.
SOME RANDOM WOMAN WE'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE: [coming up behind them] Excuse me. Um, I was just at Ida's place. She found these on the floor and asked me to give them back to you. [She hands him his broken sunglasses.]
VECCHIO: Thank you.
SOME RANDOM WOMAN WE'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE: If you ask me, though, you've got such nice eyes, it's a shame to cover them up.
VECCHIO: Really?
SOME RANDOM WOMAN WE'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE: Yeah. Would you like to go out for a coffee or something?
VECCHIO: I'd like that very much.
SOME RANDOM WOMAN WE'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE: Yeah? Great. Great. [And off they go.]
VECCHIO: Oh, watch out for that crack. Bad luck.

Vecchio and Some Random Woman We've Never Seen Before smile and step together over the crack in the sidewalk; he tosses the sunglasses in the trash as they pass by. Fraser notices that he is standing on the line between two squares of the sidewalk and oh-so-casually moves his foot, whistling nonchalantly. Diefenbaker looks at him.

It's a long time since I've worried about stepping on a crack and breaking my mother's back, but was it all indentations in the pavement you had to avoid or only post-installation cracks? Like, sidewalks have seams built in; are those cracks, or are they something else? My kid is definitely in the hopping-around-while-we-walk-home stage, but he'll jump over anything—a grate, a leaf, a splotch of gum. He hops over the white stripes in the crosswalk. So he wouldn't be any help.

Anyway, is this the first woman we've ever seen who looks at Vecchio and doesn't even notice Fraser standing there? No wonder he's so flummoxed.

Cumulative body count: 24
Red uniform: The whole episode

Previous | Index of annotated transcripts | Next