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return to Due South: season 1 episode 15 "The Wild Bunch"
The Wild Bunch
air date February 16, 1995
Scene 1
Diefenbaker is looking out the window at Fraser's apartment. Fraser is putting something on his kibble with a medicine dropper.
FRASER: Now, I'm making up two bowls, one for lunch and one for dinner. Make sure he finishes them, and no snacking in between.
WILLIE: He won't eat it. He hates vitamins.
FRASER: Well, they're good for him. He's been looking a little peaked of late.
WILLIE: He just wants to get out, you know. Don't you, boy.
Fraser looks out the window. Some dogs are congregating in the alley.
FRASER: Hm. Them again.
WILLIE: They're not bad.
FRASER: Oh, I'm not saying they are. [to Diefenbaker] But you'd think you could exercise better judgment when choosing friends, don't you? [Diefenbaker grumbles.] No, no. Don't start with me again. You know what happened the last time.
WILLIE: Oh, come on! They're dogs. They're supposed to knock over trash cans.
FRASER: Thirty-seven trash cans all in a row?
WILLIE: So they got excited.
FRASER: So did the sanitation engineer, and I didn't notice either of you offering to carry him to the hospital.
WILLIE: He weighed three hundred pounds! And besides, all he did was faint. Okay, I'll watch him this time. He'll never leave my sight.
FRASER: All right, he's already had one walk today, so you feed him, and then when I get home from work, we can all take a walk together.
WILLIE: You gave me the job, why won't you trust me with it?
FRASER: Oh, I do trust you. I do. It's just that — [He looks at Diefenbaker looking out the window; he beckons Willie over to speak quietly.] — it's that he just seems sort of — well, he's out of sorts lately. And I don't know what the problem is, because he won't open up and talk to me, but I think once he and I have had a little chat — [Vecchio barges in.]
VECCHIO: Okay, I'm here. If you want a lift, get in the car.
WILLIE: I thought he blew it up.
FRASER: He did.
VECCHIO: We're not talking about that, okay? We don't mention it, we don't discuss it.
WILLIE: Sure.
VECCHIO: Fine. Let's go.
WILLIE: What's he driving?
VECCHIO: Heard that!
FRASER: Be right there, Ray. [to Willie and Diefenbaker] All right. Try and have a good day. [He leaves.]
WILLIE: Hey, boy. [Diefenbaker whimpers.] Yeah, I know. How about a nice game of Monopoly? No, huh?
Yay, someone has remembered that Fraser hired Willie to dogsit!
Scene 2
Fraser is investigating the passenger side of whatever Vecchio is driving.
FRASER: It's a nice glove box. [The knob comes off in his hand. The glove box is full of crap.] Very spacious. Good seat covers. Motor pool?
VECCHIO: [He is miserable and looks almost like he's sick to his stomach.] I thought we agreed not to talk about it.
FRASER: Ah, of course, of course. The loss of a loved one is always a shock.
VECCHIO: Fraser.
FRASER: No, I'm sorry, Ray. But I do understand. You'd be hard pressed to find a finer example of Detroit's automotive engineering than the nineteen-seventy-one Riviera.
VECCHIO: Enough, okay? Enough. All right, you took the Riv, you drove it all over the countryside, you gave it to a convicted felon, you ran it into a ditch, and you forced me to blow it up. You've done enough.
FRASER: Lives were saved, Ray.
VECCHIO: And yours was spared. I loved that car. [The loaner rattles and sputters to a stop.] Not a word.
Poor Vecchio.
Scene 3
Diefenbaker is still looking out the window. He seems as dispirited as Vecchio. The other dogs are still hanging around in the alley and barking at him.
WILLIE: Can't you tell them to shut up? Somebody's going to call the cops. They're your friends. Do something. You heard Fraser, you're grounded. [Diefenbaker whines.] Forget it. Okay? [Diefenbaker whines.] You're a bad influence on me, you know that? [Diefenbaker whines very pitifully.] Okay, okay. [Willie opens the window. Diefenbaker heads out and goes down the fire escape. More dogs come out of hiding, and they all start running.] Hey, Diefenbaker! Diefenbaker, wait up! Hey! Hey! I got Milk Bones. Anybody want Milk Bones? [The whole pack of dogs run off.] Oh, no! I'm dead!
Sigh. Willie: If he doesn't trust you, this might have something to do with why.
Credits roll.
Paul Gross
David Marciano
Beau Starr
Daniel Kash
Tony Craig
Catherine Bruhier
(plus Lincoln the dog)
Christopher Babers, Michael Rhoades
Scene 4
Diefenbaker is running in an alley. A moment behind him the whole pack of barking dogs of all sizes follows. Diefenbaker goes up to the back door of a house and paws at the door. The dogs keep running. Willie is following them.
WILLIE: Hey! Heel! Anybody?
An animal control van turns down the alley just as Willie is running out the other end of it. A Husky dog of some kind with a pink collar comes out the back door Diefenbaker has been scratching at, and the two of them run off.
It's not the same animal control guy from "Diefenbaker's Day Off;" I checked.
Scene 5
Fraser and Vecchio are still driving along in this wretched car. From the outside we can see that it is a fugly gold sedan. People walking on the street are stopping and staring at how ugly it is. Vecchio simply hates driving it. He looks like it is causing him physical pain. He hits a pothole on the driver's side and the front bench seat tilts so Fraser is several inches higher than he is.
Diefenbaker and his pink-collared Husky friend are running in the alley. They see the pack of dogs go by, then the animal control van. They consult for a moment and then run along. Diefenbaker gets ahead of the Husky. The pack of dogs is running; the animal control van is pursuing. There's a little yippy dog—possibly a Lhasa Apso—that can't keep up with the pack. Diefenbaker puts on a burst of speed. The animal control guy is reaching for the little dog with a catch pole. Diefenbaker barks and startles the animal control guy into veering into a pile of garbage in the alley, and the little buddy gets away.
ANIMAL CONTROL GUY: Damn dogs. [He goes around to the back of his van and sees the pink-collared Husky sitting quietly.] Well, well. Just what the doctor ordered. [He approaches the Husky with the catch pole. The dog backs away.] Nice and easy. Nice and easy. [He snares the Husky.] Nice and easy. Come here. Come here, yeah, that's good. [He looks at the tag.] Maggie, is it? Well — [He unfastens the pink collar and throws it away.] — not anymore. All right, let's go. [Maggie grumbles a bit.] Come on. Come on.
He leads Maggie up into the van and drives off. Diefenbaker and his yippy little buddy have watched all this happen; now they run after the van.
Willie is out looking for Diefenbaker and climbs over a fence in an alley, only to find himself exactly in the path of the animal control van. He hops back over the fence and watches the van go by—followed by Diefenbaker.
WILLIE: Diefenbaker! No!
Willie hears a trash can hit the ground and turns around to see the whole pack of dogs coming toward him. He braces himself, but they split around him rather than tackling him. He says a little prayer of thanks, then turns around and follows them. They are all chasing the animal control van.
The animal control officer taking the collar off the dog is maybe the most upsetting thing that has happened on this show so far, and consider the fact that it's me saying this, given how I felt about the Gamez kids looking up at their mother as they were taken away and Louise Webber screaming as Vinny drives off with baby Jamie and then coming to the airstrip to kiss the baby goodbye. (At work, my colleague and I have an agreement that wherever possible I'll handle documents that discuss potential or actual harm to animals and she'll handle documents that discuss potential or actual harm to children and thus we'll both be protected from too-frequent emotional tailspins. I'm the one who is more rattled by children in peril! And I'm here to tell you I'm very upset by this animal control guy throwing Maggie's collar away.)
Scene 6
Fraser and Vecchio are driving in the gold sedan. It seems to be a Chevrolet. License number RCW 139. They stop "suddenly" to avoid hitting an old lady crossing the street. She shakes her head at the ugliness of the vehicle and moves on.
FRASER: It's not a bad ride. I mean, we've been driving — how far have we been driving?
VECCHIO: Two blocks.
FRASER: Ah. [They resume driving for .1 seconds.] Oh, Ray! [Vecchio hits the brake. The animal control van zooms across their path.]
VECCHIO: Idiot. [starts to drive again]
FRASER: Ray! [Vecchio hits the brake again as Diefenbaker runs across their path.] Diefenbaker?
VECCHIO: I know, I know. Follow the wolf. [He hits the gas.]
FRASER: Oh, Ray! [Vecchio hits the brake. The whole pack of dogs runs by, with the little yippy buddy bringing up the rear.]
VECCHIO: Oh, great. Is it safe now, or should I wait for the cattle drive?
FRASER: No, go ahead. [Vecchio hits the gas and collides with Willie, who is following the pack of dogs.]
WILLIE: Hey, watch it, bird-brain!
Willie keeps running, stops when he realizes who was in that car, and then keeps running again. The car stalls. Vecchio tries to start it again and can't.
FRASER: You know, Ray, I think I'm just going to —
VECCHIO: Good idea.
They abandon the car and follow Willie following the dogs following the animal control van down the alley.
The license plate on Vecchio's ugly gold Chevy is RCW 139, which is the same plate that was on Lenny's Comet (before it was stolen back; it will have had a different plate on it when Gary pushed it into the lake).
Scene 7
The animal control van is driving through alleys. Diefenbaker runs down an alley and is jumping over fences. The rest of the pack of dogs is running down the alley, followed by Willie. Diefenbaker is jumping over more fences. The other dogs are jumping over the fences. Willie is running down the alley. Diefenbaker comes out into a wider alley. The animal control van is driving down an alley. The other dogs are jumping over more fences. The little yippy buddy is managing to get over the fences. Willie is jumping over fences.
Diefenbaker is standing in an alley watching the animal control van come toward him. The animal control officer is not letting up on the gas pedal. The other dogs run by and get behind Diefenbaker. Fraser and Vecchio are running down the original alley. Willie is jumping over more fences. Fraser is jumping over fences. Vecchio is struggling to jump over fences. Willie comes out into the wider alley where Diefenbaker is staring down the van.
WILLIE: Dief!
The animal control guy finally hits the brake rather than run into a human kid. Vecchio is still climbing over fences.
VECCHIO: Get that kid! If I find you or the wolf, you're both dead! [The animal control guy is coming at Diefenbaker with the catch pole.]
WILLIE: Hey, back off, all right?
Fraser emerges into the alley.
FRASER: Ah, excuse me, sir. I'm Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. May I help you?
ANIMAL CONTROL GUY: Not unless you have a gun.
FRASER: Well, I'm afraid I'm not actually —
ANIMAL CONTROL GUY: And this animal is under arrest.
Vecchio comes into the alley.
VECCHIO: All right, I'm the cop here, I'll say who's under arrest. [to Fraser] Who's under arrest?
ANIMAL CONTROL GUY: This wild animal chased me for six blocks. He not only violated the leash law, he's also guilty of disturbing the peace and creating a public nuisance.
FRASER: [reading the guy's nametag] Officer, uh, Benedict?
ANIMAL CONTROL GUY (BENEDICT): Yeah. Arnold Benedict.
FRASER: Diefenbaker is my wolf, and I'm afraid I'm entirely responsible for his unfortunate behavior.
WILLIE: No, you're not. I am. Look, I'm sorry. He just looked so sad cooped up inside that apartment —
FRASER: We'll discuss your part in this later. In the meantime, I have his license right here, and if you'd be so kind as to write up a ticket —
BENEDICT: Hey, I don't care if you have a license. That animal is crazy. I told you, he tried to attack me.
VECCHIO: All right, look, buddy. Obviously there's been a misunderstanding here. So the wolf and his friends got a little frisky. Can't we settle this without going through all that nasty, time-consuming paperwork?
BENEDICT: No dice. [He moves toward Diefenbaker with the catch pole. Diefenbaker growls and jump-tackles him back into the van.]
WILLIE: Hey!
FRASER: Diefenbaker —
BENEDICT: He bit me!
FRASER: That's enough! [Diefenbaker barks and grumbles.] I'm terribly sorry, officer. It's not at all like him.
BENEDICT: Hey, sorry isn't enough, Constable. That is a dangerous animal. He's going into quarantine.
FRASER: Quarantine?
BENEDICT: You don't like it? Talk to a judge.
The disbelieving microtilt of Fraser's head at hearing the guy's full name is the only moment of levity in this scene. (Benedict Arnold, of course, is one of history's most infamous turncoats. The likelihood that an American family called Benedict would name their son Arnold approaches zero.) I don't know enough about animal control laws at all or Chicago's in particular to know whether the dog chasing the van for six blocks is enough to bring him in. If there's a leash law, I guess probably? But you'd think the owner's being willing to pay a fine would settle it. Diefenbaker didn't actually try to attack Benedict until he came after him with the pole.
Scene 8
Fraser and Vecchio are at the animal control center. An officer closes Diefenbaker into an isolation room.
OFFICER: Could be rabies. Or it could be he just had a bad day. We'll know soon enough.
FRASER: Thank you, officer.
OFFICER: Oh, don't worry. We'll take good care of him.
FRASER: Yes, sir. [The officer leaves. Fraser watches Diefenbaker through the window.] This just isn't like him. What could he possibly have been thinking?
VECCHIO: I don't know, Fraser. For some reason wolves rarely share their innermost thoughts with me. Now, you're gonna have to go to court. And even if he isn't sick, you're still gonna have to prove that he isn't a chronic biter.
FRASER: Diefenbaker has never bit a person in his life. [They start to walk out.] I have all of his papers. His shots are up to date. He must have had a reason.
VECCHIO: He does have a reason. He's a wolf.
FRASER: That's a popular misconception, Ray. Wolves only attack human beings if they've been severely provoked. [They have reached a waiting area.]
WILLIE: So did you spring him?
FRASER: No, I can't do that, Willie. Diefenbaker's broken the law. We have to let justice take its course.
WILLIE: You gotta be kidding me.
FRASER: Mm-mm.
WILLIE: Come here. [He takes Fraser and Vecchio back through the door and points to where the officer they spoke to earlier is on the phone.] See, the way I figure it, that guy in there is really soft. So let's just slip him a few bucks.
VECCHIO: Good idea.
FRASER: That would be bribery.
VECCHIO AND WILLIE: Right!
FRASER: Absolutely not. The only way that we're going to help Diefenbaker is to ensure that he receives a fair hearing.
VECCHIO: Oh, come on, Fraser. He bit the guy. You saw him, I saw him. The wolf's guilty.
FRASER: But what happened before we got there? There could be extenuating circumstances, witnesses to those circumstances — we won't know this until we've completed our investigation.
VECCHIO: Our investigation? Look, I got a full caseload with crimes involving humans. I think that takes precedence.
FRASER: You're right. You're too busy. [goes out into the waiting room again]
VECCHIO: Oh, come on, Fraser, don't give me that —
FRASER: No, no, I mean this, Ray. You have more important things to do. We'll manage.
VECCHIO: The kid? You're gonna send a known felon out to solve a crime?
WILLIE: Hey, I'm strictly misdemeanors, and you know that.
VECCHIO: Fine. Do it on your own. See if I care. Probably won't make it past the first witness.
I like how Vecchio is right there with Willie's suggestion to bribe the nicer animal control guy, and then turns around and calls him a criminal.
Scene 9
Vecchio is with Fraser in his apartment hallway. A door slams in Vecchio's face.
VECCHIO: Well! It seems the wolf has made a less than favorable impression on your neighbors.
FRASER: Well, I can't see why. I mean, he's very personable once you get to know him.
VECCHIO: Really? Let's review. [He consults his notebook as they go down the stairs.] One: runs with pack of motley stray dogs.
FRASER: Ray, they're not dangerous. They just haven't had a bath.
VECCHIO: Two: knocked over fifty-seven garbage cans while leading the aforesaid pack.
FRASER: Thirty-seven; he helped clean them up afterwards; furthermore, he is not their leader.
VECCHIO: Three: suspected of killing and eating missing neighborhood pets.
FRASER: Ray, really, that's another misconception. Wolves only kill when they're ravenous, and their preferred prey is large hoofed animals. I don't see how Mrs. Pumputis's Pekingese can bear a passing resemblance to a caribou.
VECCHIO: Well . . .
FRASER: Even if it was wearing shoes.
They are outside again.
FRASER: Well, we haven't actually found anyone who saw Diefenbaker harass Officer Benedict.
VECCHIO: Yeah, we haven't found anyone who said Benedict provoked him, either.
FRASER: The burden of proof rests with the opposition, Ray.
VECCHIO: Aw, come on, Fraser. Think. We got a wolf on one hand, an animal control officer on the other. Who are you going to believe?
A woman is putting up "Lost Dog" fliers.
FRASER: Excuse me, ma'am. I, I couldn't help noticing that you're —
WOMAN: Oh, have you seen her? She's a Husky, grey and white, about thirty-five pounds?
FRASER: Ah, no, I'm afraid not. How long has she been missing?
WOMAN (MAGGIE'S OWNER): Now, you're the Mountie! That wolf is yours, isn't he?
FRASER: Well, I do own a wolf, yes.
MAGGIE'S OWNER: Well, how could you bring a wild animal into this neighborhood? Don't you have any conscience at all?
FRASER: Well, I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm not sure that I understanding what you're suggesting.
MAGGIE'S OWNER: Ugh, that wolf of yours has been hanging around these alleys for weeks. [She is putting up another sign. It asks people to call Jackie Alexander.] Now, I was so scared, I couldn't even let my son take the dog out for a walk.
VECCHIO: All right, lady, the wolf's in custody, there's nothing to worry about.
MAGGIE'S OWNER (JACKIE): My dog is missing. I've been talking to the people in the laundromat. They've lost pets, too. Now, some of them right out of their own backyards.
VECCHIO: So call animal control.
JACKIE: Well, I did! None of them were picked up. They just disappeared like Maggie! I swear to you, if that animal of yours hurt our dog —
FRASER: Ma'am, if that is the case, then I will personally see to it that this situation is immediately and irrevocably dealt with. However, if you don't have any actual evidence against my wolf —
JACKIE: This is my evidence. [She gives him a "Lost Dog" flier.] I just better find my dog. Understand? [She goes off to continue fliering.]
STATLER: Constable? I just picked this up in the alley, and I thought you might want to see it. [hands him a pink dog collar] Some might call it evidence. Could send a certain wolf up the river for a long time. [He throws a salute and leaves.]
FRASER: Thank you very kindly. [Vecchio salutes him back.]
VECCHIO: Great. A dog collar.
FRASER: [reading the collar] Maggie.
I fear Fraser is falling victim to one or more of the Geek Social Fallacies. Meanwhile, the Pekingese is even smaller than the Lhasa Apso. It does not bear any resemblance to a caribou, passing or otherwise.
Scene 10
Maggie is in an isolation room at animal control. Diefenbaker hears her whimpering and starts barking in the next room. She realizes he is on the other side of her wall, and they are both standing up against the wall barking to each other. Other dogs in non-isolation cages start barking as well.
BENEDICT: Cut it out. Shut up, you stupid mutts. [He is getting food ready for Maggie.]
OFFICER: All right, all right, everybody settle down. [sees the room with Maggie in it] Thought that room was supposed to be empty.
BENEDICT: Oh, a stray. Just brought her in.
OFFICER: Want me to write it up?
BENEDICT: No, I'll do the paperwork later. Thanks.
OFFICER: [going] Now, you behave, hmm?
Benedict puts a bowl of food through Maggie's door. Diefenbaker growls.
BENEDICT: Shut up in there. [He hits the window, hurting his bandaged hand.]
Diefenbaker barks, whines, grumbles, and settles down.
What are the qualifications for being an animal control officer? I would have assumed "hating dogs" would be a disqualifying factor.
Scene 11
Fraser, Vecchio, and Willie are in a courtroom.
JUDGE: Next. Okay, case number ninety-five-dash-M-one-dash-three-two-seven-three-nine, the City of Chicago versus Diefenbakia?
FRASER: That's Diefenbaker, sir.
JUDGE: Uh-huh. Constable Fraser, is it?
FRASER: Yes, sir.
JUDGE: Okay. What I have here is a statement from animal control, blah blah blah — okay, it seems pretty straightforward. Anything you care to add before I give you my ruling?
FRASER: Yes, there is, your honor. May I? [The judge beckons him to approach.]
WILLIE: [whispering] He's going to tell the truth. We're dead.
VECCHIO: [whispering] Just give him a chance. [The judge turns over a one-minute timer and braces himself, expecting a headache.]
FRASER: On Tuesday last, the accused, that is, my wolf, Diefenbaker —
JUDGE: Wolf?
FRASER: Well, yes, sir. He's a wolf. Ah, partly anyway. I, I'm not sure what the other part is.
JUDGE: Wait, wait, wait, wait. You let a wolf run loose in the streets and he attacked somebody? Why doesn't that come as a surprise to me?
FRASER: Uh, well, you see sir, actually, that, that's a popular misconception. [Willie pokes at Vecchio.] The fact is —
VECCHIO: Hey, Benny, fall back. Your honor. Detective Vecchio.
JUDGE: Uh-huh.
VECCHIO: Let's cut to the chase. So the wolf took a piece out of the animal control guy. He's a city bureaucrat. I mean, come on, wouldn't you do the same if you had the opportunity?
WILLIE: Oh, great!
FRASER: Uh, Ray —
JUDGE: Ray Vecchio?
VECCHIO: Uh, yes, your honor?
JUDGE: You're the cop that got Justice Powell committed to county psychiatric.
VECCHIO: Hey, look, just because a judge gets carried out of court on a stretcher screaming a particular detective's name —
JUDGE: No, no, no, no, I'm very honored. Really. See I've always wanted to know just how many members of his immediate family did you actually indict?
VECCHIO: Well, four, including the toddler, but that was an unfortunate error —
FRASER: Uh, your honor, about my wolf?
JUDGE: Right, the wolf. Okay. Uh, how many people has he attacked?
FRASER: Well, none. I mean, except in the line of duty.
JUDGE: Excuse me?
FRASER: Well, you see, sir, as a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I tend to run across desperate criminals on occasion, and Diefenbaker has often been extremely instrumental in bringing about their capture and their subsequent incarceration. As a matter of fact, I have a letter of gratitude here from an Inuit elder in Tuktoyaktuk —
JUDGE: No, that's okay. Thank you very much. Has he ever killed?
FRASER: No, of course not. Well, at least, not without cause. There was a nasty incident involving a wolverine on the Northumberland Sound —
JUDGE: Okay, so the answer to my question is yes. [He makes a note. Fraser looks like he can tell the hearing is getting away from him.] Tell me, Constable, just how long have you had this animal in captivity?
FRASER: Well, I've never really thought of him as captive, your honor. You see, Diefenbaker was born in the wild, but he came to live with me of his own free will.
JUDGE: You mean he's wild? He's not domesticated?
FRASER: Oh, no, no. No, he's very sociable, if that's what you mean.
JUDGE: No, Constable, that is not what I mean. What you have here is a wild animal living in an apartment, who by your own admission has bitten more than one individual and is responsible for killing at least one other animal. This is not Lassie. [long pause while Fraser's face falls] Order the animal be put to sleep.
Fraser is stunned and appalled. Willie jumps up.
WILLIE: You can't kill him! He didn't mean to hurt anybody! Look, it was my fault.
JUDGE: Son, why don't you let the grown-ups handle —
VECCHIO: Your honor, you can't euthanize him just because he's wild. Why don't you send him back to the woods from where he came?
JUDGE: I can't do that, Detective. Not so long as there's any question about him being a danger to man. Sorry. [He leaves the courtroom.]
WILLIE: [to Fraser] You can't let them do this. [Fraser has all this paperwork he has not been allowed to present. He doesn't know what to do.] Fine. To hell with the law. And to hell with you.
Willie storms out. Fraser has all this paperwork. He may cry or throw up or both.
Well.
There are pictures on the wall in the courtroom. Behind the gallery is a big one of LBJ. On the side wall is one that I'm pretty sure is JFK and one that may be Abraham Lincoln. Behind the judge is Bill Clinton, who was president in 1995, and another individual I can't identify from here. Could it be James Edgar, who was governor of Illinois at the time?
Northumberland Sound is an inlet on the northwest tip of Tallurutit (Devon Island), Canada, in Nunavut (in 1995 still part of the Northwest Territories), which is uninhabited. Hard to know why Fraser and Diefenbaker would be up there scrapping with wolverines.
Of course Diefenbaker is not domesticated if he was born in the wild; what Fraser might have been able to persuade the judge is that he's tame.
There's not much to say or do about what's happening on Fraser's face here. He has got himself into trouble with the precise truth before (at least once on purpose) and managed to get out again, but look what he's done now, and Diefenbaker is going to be destroyed, and it's because of him. I'd throw up and cry too.
Scene 12
Fraser is in the isolation room with Diefenbaker at animal control.
FRASER: Well, the good news is that Ray says we have nothing to worry about. It turns out, luckily for us, that he's very well acquainted with a number of sitting judges, and he's confident that one of them is bound to grant us a stay of execution. [Diefenbaker grumbles.] Well, I know, but it's not inconceivable that he would know one of them, and the least we can do is let him try, don't you think? [There is a long pause.] You know, I, I was thinking today about that time you pulled me from the sound, and, uh. I know I never really . . . You did want to come here, didn't you? I just took it for granted, you know, I know I never really discussed it, but — I would hate to think you came here and stayed here all of this time just out of some kind of misplaced sense of duty. You wouldn't do that, would you? [Diefenbaker grumbles. Fraser smiles a bit.] No, I didn't think you would. Nah. [He looks around the bare room.] You know, I — I can stay if you'd like. I, uh, I brought my bedroll. Okay, well, if, if you'd rather be alone, then . . .
Fraser gets up to go. Diefenbaker whines. He is looking at the wall. He barks and turns to Fraser. Fraser turns back to look at him. In the next room, Benedict is putting a muzzle on Maggie.
BENEDICT: There you go.
Diefenbaker is up on his hind legs barking at the wall.
FRASER: Diefenbaker, what's wrong? Diefenbaker! [Benedict has Maggie in a wire cage and is wheeling her out. Diefenbaker settles down, looks at Fraser, and sits.] All right. I'm leaving now, but I'll be back in the morning. [Diefenbaker starts to lie down. Fraser starts to open the door. Diefenbaker sees Maggie being taken away and starts barking again. Fraser looks at him. Benedict pulls a drape over Maggie's cage. Diefenbaker starts to run for the door. Fraser holds out a hand to stop him.] No!
Diefenbaker sits down, but he has bitten Fraser's hand.
Disbelief on top of disbelief for Fraser.
Scene 13
Elaine and Vecchio are in the squad room at the 27th precinct.
ELAINE: Poor Diefenbaker.
VECCHIO: I said not to worry. Didn't I say that? This is America, land of the lengthy appeal. I can tie this case up for years faster than you can say Judge Wapner.
ELAINE: Sure.
VECCHIO: Now, I know some judges who are big dog lovers. A couple of calls, and bing bang boom, Dief is as good as a free puppy. [gets to his desk, starts dialing] You know, I had a loss of my own recently, Elaine, and you didn't say anything about that.
ELAINE: It was a car, Ray.
VECCHIO: Can we not talk about this? [Elaine leaves. Vecchio is on the phone.] Hello. Judge Axelrod? Yes, Detective Vecchio here. Uh, yes, sir. Uh, no. Oh, why, thank you, sir, it has been a long time. Well, I thought it was an open and shut case myself, too, sir. Dinner plans? Well, of course, I'll get right to the point. Now, you are a pet lover, are you not, sir? I mean, I recall seeing a picture of Prince, I believe his name was — your wife's dog? And your divorce proceedings aren't going well. Well, gee, I'm really sorry to hear that, sir. Bitten as a child? Ah, well, you know, if I was in your shoes, sir, I'd do exactly the same thing. Yes. Uh, my call? Um, ah, you know what, sir, that's really not important. I mean, you got enough, uh, yes. Ah, fine. Well, uh, thank you, sir, and, uh, yeah, God bless. Yes. [hangs up, sighs, looks up] It's going great. [Fraser is standing there drinking a cup of coffee.] I mean, I put in a lot of calls, and you know, this animal is as good as sprung.
FRASER: I appreciate your trying, Ray.
VECCHIO: No, no, no, this book — see this book here? This contains the names of over fifty jurists and lawmakers. I have compromising photos of several. I mean, you know, we have not yet begun to fight. Let's see, Gold . . . Gold . . . Harry Gold.
Fraser pulls the sleeve of his sweater down over the bandage on his wrist.
"I have not yet begun to fight" is supposed to have been said by the U.S. naval captain John Paul Jones in response to a demand to surrender in the Battle of Flamborough Head. It doesn't look like there's any evidence he ever said such a thing, but apparently between Benedict Arnold and now this, the theme of this episode is the American Revolution (the way we had nursery rhymes in "Chicago Holiday" and classic TV shows in "They Eat Horses").
Judge Wapner was the first presiding judge of The People's Court, an early reality TV show where people brought their small claims to a "courtroom" to be handled by a system of binding arbitration.
Fraser's blue cable-knit sweater is good, maybe better than the one in "An Eye for an Eye," but I think the frayed cream-colored one in the pilot is still the leader.
Scene 14
The nicer animal control guy is locking Diefenbaker into a wire cage.
OFFICER: There you go, boy. [Diefenbaker looks at him.] I know. We don't like to do it, but when an animal bites its owner, well . . . Oh, hey, hey. [reaches in his pocket] I brought a little something extra for you. [dropping treats into the cage] It's against the rules, but a condemned man needs more than a bowl of kibble and a chew stick.
He gets up to go. Benedict comes in carrying a small animal in a cage.
BENEDICT: Oh! What are you still doing here?
OFFICER: Oh, last meal for twenty-one B. A little steak.
BENEDICT: Why bother?
OFFICER: Any dog that bites you can't be all bad, can it, huh?
BENEDICT: Oh, that's funny. Yeah.
OFFICER: [looks at the small animal in the cage Benedict is carrying] A new one?
BENEDICT: No, a mistake. I'm taking him back to his owner.
OFFICER: Well, lock up.
BENEDICT: Oh, yeah.
OFFICER: [to the dogs] Good night, guys.
Benedict hears growling and looks to see Diefenbaker staring at him. He puts down the small cage and goes to answer where someone is banging at the door. A couple of guys are there; one of them is lighting a cigarette and the other has a bandanna on his head.
CIGARETTE: Bring us your injured, your weak, and your homeless.
BANDANNA: The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
BENEDICT: Look, you don't pay me enough to listen to your stupid jokes.
CIGARETTE: We do pay you to deliver, and you're not the only worm around here that will steal people's pets just to earn a few extra bucks. Where's the Husky? [Benedict pulls the drape off Maggie's cage.]
BENEDICT: Beauty, huh? Just like you ordered.
CIGARETTE: Yeah. Too bad, 'cause she won't be when those lab people get through with her.
Willie is lurking outside by the animal control van. Benedict and the bad guys are loading cages onto a truck: a beagle, a dachshund. Diefenbaker and the other dogs are barking; they don't like this. The bad guys take Maggie and a small white dog also. They close the tailgate of their truck.
BENEDICT: Hey. Where's my money?
CIGARETTE: We get paid on delivery. You get paid when we get paid. See you tomorrow.
Benedict goes inside, lowering the automatic garage door. Willie rolls under it and pulls his backpack through just before it closes.
The "wretched refuse" line is from "The New Colossus," the sonnet mounted on a plaque in the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty. Maybe it's not the American Revolution but U.S. history in general today (the way in Chicago Holiday it was nursery rhymes and folk tales)?
We don't know what the "lab people" are going to do with these dogs—nothing good, one imagines—but I wonder why the bad guys can't snatch animals themselves and have to pay a rogue animal control officer to do it for them?
Scene 15
Diefenbaker is barking. Willie goes to him.
WILLIE: Hey, boy, it's me. Boy, you don't look so good. What have they been doing to you in here? [Diefenbaker's paws are bloody.] Ah, no, don't tell me, I can imagine. Hey, hey, hey, look, I'm here to help, okay? We're gonna have you out of here in no time. [He takes bolt cutters out of his bag.] Just sit back and relax. [Diefenbaker rumbles.] You sure you're okay? I mean, what that judge said about you just ain't so, is it? You know, that you're mad from not being in the wild and all? Well, even if you are, it doesn't matter. Now, you won't bite me, willya? I mean, we're friends, aren't we? I mean, you wouldn't go and bite a friend, now, would you? [Willie cuts the chain and unlocks Diefenbaker's cage.] There, you see? This is going great. Yeah. [He opens the cage.] I'm here, boy. [He reaches for Diefenbaker very slowly. Diefenbaker growls.] I'm here. [Willie pets him.] See? I told ya. I didn't give up on you. [pets and huggins] How you doing, boy? Yeah. Come on. We better get out of here.
This kid doesn't give quite as good monologue-to-dog as Paul Gross does, but he's young. He's got time.
Scene 16
Vecchio is still on the phone.
VECCHIO: Vecchio. V-E-C-C- . . . what do you mean he doesn't remember me? How can he not remember me? Alzheimer's. Well, all right, fair enough.
FRASER: It's all right, Ray.
VECCHIO: Ah, look Fraser, even I know that animal's your best friend.
FRASER: Yes, but he is an animal.
VECCHIO: Oh, and the Riviera is just a car?
ELAINE: Judge Maxwell's office just called. He died two years ago.
FRASER: Thank you, Elaine.
VECCHIO: [tears a page out of his address book, crumples it up, throws it away] Well, those pictures weren't worth much anyway. [phone rings] Yello? Hold on. [He gives the phone to Fraser.]
FRASER: Hello? [It is the nicer animal control guy.]
OFFICER: It's the ACC. Your wolf seems to have escaped.
FRASER: Escaped?
OFFICER: It looks like he might have had some help. Could have been one of those groups who release pets from labs. It's the fashion these days.
FRASER: Willie.
OFFICER: What's that?
FRASER: What will you do now?
OFFICER: Well, notify the authorities and send an armed officer out to track him down. He has been ordered destroyed.
FRASER: I understand. Thank you. [to Vecchio] Can you take me home?
VECCHIO: Sure.
Fraser is working very hard to deal with how sad and guilty he feels right now. Look at the set of his shoulders, listen to the hoarseness of his voice.
Scene 17
Fraser unlocks a trunk labeled "SGT. R. FRASER." He takes out a rifle and unwraps it from the fabric it's stored in. He sits on the end of his bed with the thing.
Scene 18
Fraser is coming out of his building. He gets into Vecchio's crappy gold sedan. He is miserable.
FRASER: Did you get them? [Vecchio, who is also miserable, gives him a box of rifle cartridges.] Could you hold them till I ask for them?
VECCHIO: Is that your father's rifle? [Fraser nods.] Why don't you let me do this for you.
FRASER: [shakes his head] No, he's my wolf.
Oh, man. Look how brave Fraser is trying to be, and then listen to the hoarseness in Vecchio's voice.
Vecchio is wearing a leather beanie that looks pretty good.
Scene 19
Willie and Diefenbaker are hitchhiking. A truck pulls over.
TRUCKER: How far you going?
WILLIE: Canada?
TRUCKER: Jump up.
WILLIE: Come on, boy.
They climb up into the cab of the truck.
Fraser and Vecchio are at animal control, talking to the nicer officer over Diefenbaker's empty cage.
OFFICER: Imagine running away to try and release him. Kid's got spirit.
VECCHIO: Kid's a pain in the ass.
FRASER: Would you please notify all the border control points? [The officer goes to do this.] Thank you.
VECCHIO: What, he's taking him to Canada?
FRASER: He's taking him back to the wild.
VECCHIO: Hey, that's out of my jurisdiction.
FRASER: Willie's in danger, Ray.
VECCHIO: From what? Diefenbaker? [Fraser shows Vecchio where Diefenbaker bit him. Vecchio whispers.] Oh my God.
On the truck, Diefenbaker is barking like crazy.
TRUCKER: What's up with him?
WILLIE: I don't know. Diefenbaker? Come here, boy.
The trucker puts them down by the side of the road. Diefenbaker runs off. Willie closes the door, waves to thank the driver, and then realizes as he's driving away that they're barely in Wisconsin.
WILLIE: Aw, come on, man, this isn't Canada! Diefenbaker, wait up! [He runs after Diefenbaker into the woods.]
Fraser and Vecchio are driving in the crappy sedan.
VECCHIO: Want to talk about it?
FRASER: No.
VECCHIO: Come on. You love that wolf.
FRASER: You loved your car.
VECCHIO: Yeah, but a car isn't a person. A car is nothing but a hunk of metal, steel, bolts, and leather. I mean, I know that. But the wolf, it's the damnedest thing. It was like there's a person inside of him.
Fraser looks blankly out the window.
They're playing imminent-death-in-the-family exactly accurately. This is so hard to watch.
Scene 20
Diefenbaker is sniffing something in the woods. Willie is following him.
WILLIE: Diefenbaker! Where are you going? That's the wrong way. We just came from there. Canada's that way. [Diefenbaker takes off running again.] Hey! Hey!
Vecchio is driving slowly in the right lane so Fraser can keep his eyes open for Diefenbaker.
VECCHIO: That you, Elaine?
ELAINE: [on the radio] I just got word from a Lake County dispatcher. A trucker reported picking up a kid with a wolf.
VECCHIO: You gotta hand it to the kid, he's got fugitive in his blood.
ELAINE: Trucker said he dropped them outside of Waukegan. I checked the map. There's an interchange there that serves the I-ninety-four.
FRASER: We're coming up on it now.
VECCHIO: Thank you kindly, Elaine.
Diefenbaker is running. Willie is chasing him.
WILLIE: Do you know where you're going? You're stubborn, you know that? Stubborn and stupid. Hey Diefenbaker, wait up. Dief, wait up. Where you going, boy? Wait up! Come on, boy! Diefenbaker!
Fraser is tracking Diefenbaker and Willie's footprints through the snow.
FRASER: This is odd. These tracks, they're headed south.
VECCHIO: That's back where we came from. Doesn't the kid know where north is?
FRASER: Well, of course he does. I gave him a compass.
VECCHIO: Yeah, I got a compass for my tenth birthday. Every direction I turned, it pointed north.
FRASER: Well, it wouldn't matter, Ray. Even if Willie was confused or the compass was broken, all he had to do was follow the highway. Yet these tracks go the other way.
VECCHIO: Good. Maybe he got smart, he's going back home. Look, Fraser, the wolf's crazy. Why don't you let the animal control guys take it from here?
FRASER: He's not crazy. [He looks at a tree trunk where the bark has been scraped off.]
VECCHIO: He did that?
FRASER: Yes.
VECCHIO: Oh. I wouldn't call peeling the bark off a tree normal behavior even for a demented wolf.
FRASER: It's hunting behavior. When a wolf kills its prey, he peels off the hide. It's more efficient for digestion. But I don't see a carcass anywhere.
VECCHIO: This is a good sign?
FRASER: Every wolf raised in the wild is born with the instinct to kill, whether for food or self preservation or to protect its own. His anxiousness lately, running with that pack of strays, now this. I think he's returning to his wild state.
Diefenbaker has crested a hill and is running toward what look like some dairy farm buildings.
WILLIE: Is that where we're going? Oh, man! Great. And what was with that bark thing? If you were hungry, all you had to do was say so. I mean, gee. I did pack sandwiches. Oh, man! Fraser's going to kill me. Wait up, Diefenbaker!
So . . . a compass does always point north, doesn't it? It's meant to? Nice of Fraser not to point that out.
Scene 21
Indoors somewhere, someone is looking at Maggie's teeth and snout. He is wearing a flat cap and glasses.
FLAT CAP: She'll be fine. Can't use the others.
CIGARETTE: What do you expect me to do with them?
FLAT CAP: Bone cancer clinic in Skokie. [He gives Cigarette an envelope.] Call them.
Elsewhere in the same building, Benedict is on the phone.
BENEDICT: Yeah, no problem. I'm heading north on I-ninety-four right now. Don't worry, I'll get him.
CIGARETTE: [coming in counting cash] What's that?
BENEDICT: I gotta go. [hangs up] That crazy wolf? Got loose. [He doesn't like how much cash Cigarette gave him. Cigarette shrugs.]
Diefenbaker is running for the buildings.
WILLIE: Where are you going? Diefenbaker, wait up! This isn't our property, you know. Diefenbaker!
Diefenbaker goes into a building by a side door. Willie follows him. Fraser and Vecchio are coming over the crest of the hill. Diefenbaker and Willie are in a barn or garage. Willie sees Flat Cap putting Maggie back in her cage. Diefenbaker runs to her. He knocks down Flat Cap and Bandanna and barks. Willie heads in that direction. Maggie runs out of the cage and follows Diefenbaker. Benedict and Cigarette hear the barking and head for the garage.
Diefenbaker scoots out under a garage door. Benedict tries to stop Maggie.
BENEDICT: Come here, you. [She runs around him and gets out. He turns to Cigarette.] I'll get the wolf.
Willie comes running. Cigarette lowers the garage door so he can't roll out under it. Bandanna runs up.
CIGARETTE: Get the husky. [Bandanna runs off.]
Fraser and Vecchio are coming up to the door Diefenbaker and Willie went in. Fraser hears something; he turns and sees Diefenbaker running. He watches him. Benedict is also coming. Benedict raises his rifle.
VECCHIO: Hey, what are you doing?
BENEDICT: I got orders.
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, now you got new ones. Back off.
Diefenbaker is running. Fraser bites off his glove.
FRASER: Give me a bullet, Ray. [Vecchio doesn't want to. Fraser holds out his hand.] Quickly.
Vecchio puts a bullet in Fraser's hand. In the garage, Cigarette hauls Willie to his feet.
CIGARETTE: Come here. [Willie punches him in the stomach and runs off.]
Fraser chambers the cartridge and raises his rifle. Diefenbaker is running. Fraser sights him down the barrel of the gun. His finger is on the trigger. Maggie comes running out of the building. Fraser is sighting down the barrel of his gun. Diefenbaker is running. Maggie is running after him. Willie comes running out of the building. Fraser is sighting. Diefenbaker is running. Fraser blinks tears out of his eyes. Benedict turns to him.
BENEDICT: Do it.
WILLIE: NO!
Fraser blinks. Diefenbaker is running. Maggie is running. Maggie barks. Diefenbaker stops and turns. Maggie is running. Fraser looks up from his gunsight.
FRASER: Maggie?
VECCHIO: What?
FRASER: Call her. [Benedict chambers a round in his rifle.] Maggie!
Benedict raises his rifle. Diefenbaker and Maggie are running toward each other. Benedict is aiming at Diefenbaker. Fraser turns and shoots Benedict's gun out of his hands.
WILLIE: There's more guys inside.
FRASER: That's my wolf.
Fraser hauls Benedict to his feet and pushes him inside. Vecchio takes Benedict's rifle. Willie is frolicking with Diefenbaker and Maggie.
Fraser pronounces "call her" and "collar" almost exactly alike, so I'm not actually positive whether he is reminding Vecchio about the evidence Statler brought him in scene 9 or asking Vecchio to shout the dog's name. Maybe both. It doesn't matter. She stops him from having to kill Diefenbaker. I am drained after that scene.
Scene 22
In the garage, Vecchio has got Benedict and the bad guys in a cage.
BENEDICT: You can't do this. We haven't done anything illegal.
BANDANNA: Well, not strictly.
VECCHIO: Tell it to the judge. [locks the padlock]
Fraser is talking to Diefenbaker.
FRASER: You know, you could have told me about this. Well, it's not as though we're complete strangers. [confidentially] I think she seems to be a very good choice.
VECCHIO: That's what this was about? He's got a girlfriend?
FRASER: Well, actually, it's a little bit more complicated than that, Ray. [whispers] This dog is with child.
Diefenbaker's shots are up to date, but Fraser hasn't had him fixed.
Scene 23
Willie is sitting next to the end of Fraser's bed; another kid is sitting on it. They have a box of puppies between them.
WILLIE: Puppies? Wow!
BOY: His name is Buster.
WILLIE: Hi, Buster.
BOY: [He hands Buster the puppy to Willie, picks up another puppy, and carries it to Vecchio.] Her name is Sunshine.
VECCHIO: [recoils] Yeah, that's real nice, kid, but try not to get wolf hairs on my clothes.
The boy puts Sunshine the puppy down on the rug, and Diefenbaker and Maggie watch her toddle by.
JACKIE: You sure you don't want one?
FRASER: Oh, no, thank you. One wolf in the family is enough. [Diefenbaker rumbles.] Well, we can visit. I'll bring you.
JACKIE: Actually, I think he can find his own way. But you're welcome to join him. Any time.
FRASER: Oh, well, uh, thank you kindly, but I, I, I wouldn't dream of —
JACKIE: I'll cook.
FRASER: [Diefenbaker rumbles.] We'd be delighted. [to Diefenbaker] Wouldn't we?
So Jackie is evidently a single mom. And this must be, what, a few months later? Because Maggie was moving pretty well, so I'm assuming she wasn't like ready to whelp imminently, and anyway Jackie seems to be a good pet owner who would have noticed something different about her dog and known already that she was knocked up. (It probably would have been on her "Lost Dog" flier.) So that's a couple more months of pregnancy, and then they wouldn't be separating those puppies from their mother in the first eight weeks. (Although I suppose "You sure you don't want one" doesn't have to mean "shall I leave one here with you today." So those could be younger-than-eight-week pups.) Anyway enough time to have officially got the order to euthanize Diefenbaker reversed, right?
All the same, even when they're practically in-laws, Fraser can't handle that a woman is interested in him. Oh, Fraser.
Scene 24
Fraser and Vecchio are on the sidewalk.
VECCHIO: Oh, I guess it's kind of a nice cyclical thing. You blowing up the Riv and me saving your wolf. On the other hand, my Riv can't be replaced, and your wolf seems to have triplets.
FRASER: Why can't it be replaced?
VECCHIO: Fraser, seventy-one Rivieras are extremely rare. I traveled all the way to Buffalo to find that car. They're impossible to find.
FRASER: Huh.
VECCHIO: Huh? What? [Fraser points to a green 1971 Riviera going by with a "for sale" sign in the back window.] Oh my God! [He runs after it.] Hey, wait! Hey, stop! Police! Stop! Stop! Hey! Hey! Stop! Police! Five-five-five two-six-eight-three. Five-five-five two-six-eight three. Five-five-five two-six-eight-three. Hey! Hey, wait up!
I understand attachment to a car, even as far as making the equivalence between a car and a pet. (I approve of Fraser's sympathy for Vecchio's loss of the car in the previous episode, and I approve of Vecchio's realization that Fraser's loss of Diefenbaker would be worse.) I don't know if replacing it with an identical car would be sufficient? I guess maybe it would be better than nothing.
The episode title is a reference to the 1969 western by the same name, in which a gang of outlaws fight a gang of bounty hunters and a gang of federales and practically everybody dies. So thank goodness we're just going with title-only here.
Cumulative body count: 10
Red uniform: In the ugly car in the first place; in court