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return to Due South: season 2 episode 2 "Vault"
Vault
air date December 7, 1995
Scene 1
A pair of brown boots is standing on a sidewalk. (With feet in them, I mean, they're not standing there by themselves, but all we see is the insteps.) Ice cream drips on them. A clock starts to chime the hour. Between chimes, we can see that the ice cream–dripping is deliberate; a boy of about eight is holding an ice cream cone sideways and carefully allowing it to drip on the boots. He looks up at the Mountie doing mannequin guard duty, who does not flinch or even really blink. The boy looks at the clock: It is noon.
ICE CREAM BOY: Four, three, two, one! [He drops the whole ice cream cone on the toe of the left boot and runs. The Mountie does not move.] Hey, dummy! Your shift's over! [The Mountie does not move.] Hello! I'm committing a crime here! [The Mountie does not move. The boy comes back and waves a hand in front of the Mountie's face. Nothing.] Jeez! What happened to the other guy?
Behind the Mountie in the window of the consulate are Fraser and a young man in a striped tie.
STRIPED TIE: Man works twelve-hour shifts and never moves a muscle. Not even a twitch.
FRASER: Who is he?
STRIPED TIE: I don't know, some yutz in a hat. [They turn away from the window and go up the stairs.] They flew him in from the Academy while you were hospitalized. Say, how's the back? Bullet wound, wasn't it?
FRASER: Good as new. Thank you kindly, um —
STRIPED TIE: Ovitz.
FRASER: Ovitz?
STRIPED TIE (OVITZ): Yeah, it's a nickname. Hers, respectfully and affectionately. [muttering] Right, respectfully, my —
FRASER: [seeing Moffat's nameplate in a box on Ovitz's desk] Superintendent Moffat. Did he, uh — did he retire?
OVITZ: No. Promoted. Man spends seven years in that office, doesn't make one valuable contribution. One day he slaps a Mountie hat on a Mickey Mouse doll, and — [He snaps his fingers. The phone rings; Ovitz picks up.] Mm-hmm. [He hangs up again.] She'll see you now. [Fraser moves to go into the boss's office.] Don't be nervous.
FRASER: I'm not.
OVITZ: Yeah. Well, not to worry, I'm sure it's nothing.
FRASER: What is?
OVITZ: Your personnel files. She ordered them directly from Ottawa. But I'm sure that's standard procedure, right? I mean, you're the deputy, she's your new boss —
FRASER: Of course, standard procedure.
OVITZ: — your medical file, your time sheets —
FRASER: Also standard.
OVITZ: Sure. Wow, you sure have moved around a lot.
FRASER: Ah, excuse me, um —
OVITZ: Ovitz.
FRASER: — Ovitz. You know, if there's certain information you've been privy to as part of your duties as the inspector's executive secretary, you have a responsibility to keep that information to yourself.
OVITZ: Wow. You'll be fine. She's already eaten two file clerks for breakfast.
Fraser looks at Diefenbaker. Diefenbaker grumbles and trots away down the stairs. Fraser opens the new boss's office door.
So Moffat (promoted twice, in fact, because he was an inspector before, but Fraser calls him superintendent here) is gone, presumably because the actor had other demands on his time, and apparently Jasmine is gone also. Maybe he took her with him? Because it sounds like Ovitz here has been the new boss's assistant for a while, even before she came to this job.
He says they shipped the new Mountie out front in from the Academy, but the dude has two stars on his left sleeve, which we know means he's been in for at least 10 years but not as long as 15. Maybe he normally works at the Academy and is just on loan to Chicago for standing-out-front purposes.
Scene 2
Vecchio comes into Welsh's office with his left arm in a sling.
VECCHIO: I appreciate this, sir. I know you're busy. Won't take a moment.
WELSH: You're right. Disapproved.
VECCHIO: And you've thought this over carefully, sir?
WELSH: Mm-hmm. Yeah, for about three minutes.
VECCHIO: Well, with all due respect, sir, three minutes for an officer wounded in the line of duty, in defense of a fellow officer, I might add, seems to be —
WELSH: The Mountie. Setting aside this penchant that you and Constable Fraser have for shooting each other, uh, this bullet that you describe here in this form — this is your handwriting, I assume?
VECCHIO: Oh, of course it is, sir.
WELSH: It's a truly remarkable piece of ammunition. You see here it says shoulder wound?
VECCHIO: Oh, yes, sir. Ripped right through the old lateral deltoid, sir.
WELSH: The truly startling thing? This bullet, once inside your shoulder, appears to have taken a radical change in direction, traveling southward, piercing a lung and injuring several major organs. Now, why do you suppose it did that, Detective?
VECCHIO: Who really knows why these things happen, sir? A freak accident.
WELSH: Uh-huh, and a rather convenient one. 'Cause this wound would entitle you to extended disability benefits to the tune of, uh, oh . . . That's a lot of sunshine and margaritas, huh?
VECCHIO: Look, sir, I submitted the insurance form to the company. Now, if they approve it —
WELSH: All right, then, the insurance company and I might have to sit down and have a little chat. Because wound or no wound, you're back on the streets tomorrow.
VECCHIO: And that's your final decision, sir?
WELSH: Oh, it is. [Vecchio turns to go.] And Vecchio? This incident might fade from my mind completely were you to stay out of trouble for twenty-four hours.
VECCHIO: Understood, sir.
WELSH: Have a good day, Vecchio.
VECCHIO: You too, sir.
Vecchio leaves Welsh's office and shuts the door behind him.
So Vecchio gets shot, recovers, goes north with Fraser, is presumed lost in a plane crash, eats worms, carries Fraser over his shoulder for who knows how far, survives that whole outdoor trek situation, comes home, and then puts his arm in a sling and tries to get extended disability benefits for being shot in the line of duty (which he was, and in defense of another officer as well—and it wasn't the Mountie who shot him, what the hell, Lieutenant, that "shooting each other" crack was a low blow)? I am puzzled by the timeline here, but I assume this episode was probably intended to be the season opener. I wasn't paying attention at the time, but it looks like CBS cancelled the thing after season 1; picked up season 2 as a mid-season replacement, so it was only 13 episodes long; and ordered five more episodes, of which my guess is "North" was one. It didn't have to fit strictly into the existing continuity, so it could go in at the beginning of the season relatively comfortably. This episode being the original season opener would also make sense of Fraser's conversation with Ovitz in scene 1, shipping in a new mannequin-Mountie, new boss, etc.
Scene 3
In the squad room, Huey and Gardino are discussing a diagram of Vecchio's injury.
GARDINO: Now, this bullet —
HUEY: This magic bullet. [He waves a bullet in an evidence bag.]
GARDINO: — entered here, took a sharp right, bounced off the collarbone, pierced the rib cage, and took a U-turn at the pancreas.
VECCHIO: Stay out of my desk. [He grabs the pad off the easel and angrily goes back to his desk.]
HUEY: Ooh.
GARDINO: Temper, temper.
Elaine slaps a stack of mail onto Vecchio's desk.
ELAINE: All bills. Welcome back!
VECCHIO: Any more good news, Elaine?
ELAINE: Your disability application? It's been denied. The insurance doctor said, "No man could sustain this kind of injury and live."
VECCHIO: And the good news, Elaine?
ELAINE: Uh, it can wait.
VECCHIO: Elaine!
ELAINE: They're burying you with full honors. Thursday, three o'clock. Don't be late.
Vecchio is shocked.
Well then Vecchio's life insurance should have paid out to his family, right? (Assuming cops are insurable.) And if they think he's dead, he shouldn't have to pay those bills Elaine put on his desk—which, why is his mail coming to the station instead of to his home?
Credits roll.
Paul Gross
David Marciano
Beau Starr
Daniel Kash
Tony Craig
Catherine Bruhier
(plus Lincoln the dog)
Ramona Milano, Camilla Scott, Christina Cox, Scott Gibson, Boyd Banks, Vince Corazza, Nicholas Kilbertus
Scene 4
Vecchio's green Riviera is driving through Chicago. Music cue: "Leading Me On" by Colin James.
RADIO: ♫ I know you don't love me no more; you're not the kind that would tell me so; so be a woman and talk to me if that's the way that you'd rather be. Feel sorry for me in one way; you've got to hurt me by telling me someday. So get it over, baby, please stop leadin' me on. ♫ [The song continues as Vecchio speaks.] ♫ You're feeling miserable and I'm the cause, and feeling sorry won't help me long. I really hate to see you living this way, but I'll go on and I will make it someday. I know you don't love me no more; you're not the kind that would tell me so; so get it over, baby, please stop leadin' me on. ♫
VECCHIO: Well, I'm a dead man, Fraser. Some yahoo down at City Hall reads my insurance report and flags my name in the central computer system. Look at this. Vecchio, Raymond, deceased. [Francesca is driving. Vecchio is in the passenger seat. He hands Fraser, in the back seat, a printout. Fraser reads it and shows it to Diefenbaker.] So then the City Hall computer instructs the federal and state computer to cancel my driver's registration — [He hands Fraser another document.] — my driver's license — [and another] — and my Social Security card. [and one more] So now, I'm being buried on Thursday and I can't even get my good suit out of the cleaners. Will you shut that off? [He turns off the car radio, and Colin James stops singing.]
FRANCESCA: No! I'm driving, I should get to hear to whatever I want. [She switches the radio back on, and Colin James resumes.]
You're feeling miserable and I'm the cause
And feeling sorry won't help me long
I really hate to see you living this way
But I'll go on and I will make it someday
I know you don't love me no more
You're not the kind that would tell me so
So get it over, baby,
Please stop leadin' me on.
VECCHIO: This is my car, okay? You've merely been given temporary dispensation to drive it, which means you can keep your butt in that seat, your hands on the wheel, and your feet on the pedals, and that's it!
FRANCESCA: Well, thank you, your eminence. I'll remember that the next time you need somebody to back up your phony insurance claim.
VECCHIO: Phony insurance claim? Well, let me tell you something, I have latent muscle damage, which inhibits me from making three-point turns. [to Fraser] Can you believe this? I've been putting up with this since — why are you wearing that? Where's the brown uniform?
FRASER: [He hands Vecchio his paperwork back. He is wearing a blue uniform with shiny brass buttons.] I just had my first interview with my new inspector.
VECCHIO: Went well, did it?
FRASER: I'm on probation, Ray. Inspector Thatcher has reviewed my job performance, and I gather she's found my methods somewhat unorthodox.
VECCHIO: So this is how they punish Mounties in Canada? They make 'em dress like Americans?
FRASER: Well, it's not exactly an American uniform, and the brown one was somewhat antiquated. I'm told this is the current fashion.
FRANCESCA: I think it's kinda cute.
FRASER: Thank you kindly, Francesca.
VECCHIO: Look, [to Francesca] you just keep your eyes on the road, and [to Fraser] you keep your eyes in your head.
FRANCESCA: I wish I had a uniform. You know, when you wear a uniform, you're somebody. People just respect you.
VECCHIO: Let me tell you something, Frannie. You're my sister, all right? But trust me, no matter what you wear, people will never respect you. All right, pull over.
FRANCESCA: No.
VECCHIO: I said, pull over.
FRANCESCA: No. Not until you can show me some respect.
VECCHIO: Look, this is my car. I said pull over, now you pull over! [She stands on the brakes. He hauls himself back up from under the dashboard.] Thank you.
FRANCESCA: You're quite welcome. [Vecchio and Fraser get out of the car.] Hey! Five minutes, or I'm coming in after you.
VECCHIO: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Fraser is about to put on a fur-lined hat.] What is that, a dead animal? She can make you wear a dead animal on your head?
FRASER: It's regulation. [He puts on the hat. It is terrible.] Well?
VECCHIO: She's definitely punishing you.
Vecchio walks off, leaving Fraser looking at his reflection in a shop window.
Vecchio should have been wearing his seatbelt; then he wouldn't have fallen under the dashboard when Francesca hit the brakes. Fraser's blue uniform isn't bad, but the hat is very bad. I'm glad it appears Fraser and Francesca are okay now.
Scene 5
Fraser catches up with Vecchio on the sidewalk.
FRASER: She's my superior officer, Ray. I mean, she's not a field officer, mind you, but she's a very fine officer and a woman of considerable character.
VECCHIO: Fraser, this woman hates you.
FRASER: I believe so, yes.
VECCHIO: Okay, police! Move aside! [People are waiting in line outside a building. He waves his badge at them so he can cut in line.] Police, move aside.
FRASER: Ray, Ray, Ray —
VECCHIO: Don't start with me, okay? This is a legitimate emergency situation, all right?
FRASER: What is? [Vecchio shows him.] Bulls tickets?
VECCHIO: Not just Bulls tickets. Bulls season's tickets. [He goes into the building, pushing past the queue. Fraser follows him.] All right, police! Move aside! Come on, back off, back off. Look out, buddy, police. Move aside.
GUY INSIDE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.
VECCHIO: [to Fraser] I am going to cash my last disability check, I am going to renew my pass, and then I'm going to have something to look forward to. Who says you can't take it with you?
FRASER: [to the people they have shoved past] I apologize on behalf of my friend.
They go into the bank.
I don't know the last time I saw a line at a bank that went far enough to end up on the sidewalk, but I guess in 1995 depositing or cashing your check on payday (rather than getting it by direct deposit) was still a thing, and you still had to do it in person. Originally ATMs charged a convenience fee, and it wasn't until sort of 1999ish that the bank started charging a fee to do your transaction at a desk with a human person rather than at the ATM.
Scene 6
A blue maintenance van pulls into the alley behind the bank. The driver pulls out a walkie-talkie.
DRIVER: We're in the alley, honey.
HONEY: [hearing him on an earpiece] Thank you, sweetie. [The bank teller thinks she's speaking to him and smiles, surprised. She speaks to him now: She is Carol Morgan, alias Morgan Thomas, whom we've met before.] Have a nice day!
She takes her cash and steps away from the window. The driver sits down in the back of his van to wait with his buddies. Morgan looks around the bank. It is 2:40 by the wall clock. In an office, a loan officer or some such person is shaking hands with a client. At the counter, a teller puts up a "closed" sign. At a desk, a couple of guys grab their jackets and get up to go. Someone comes out of the vault.
HONEY (MORGAN): [into the microphone on her jacket] Looking good.
SWEETIE: [to the other guys in the van] We're on.
They zip up their coveralls and get their maintenance-worker gear together, also grabbing their guns. Inside, the bank is closing up.
TALL TELLER: See you next time.
CLIENT: Have a nice weekend. Thank you, thank you.
The security guard is letting people out but keeping the door shut behind them. Morgan looks again at the clock. It is 2:41. She looks at her watch, which is synchronized with the clock. She puts on a pair of sunglasses and heads for the door. The security camera clearly shows the security guard seeing her out.
SECURITY GUARD: Have a nice evening.
MORGAN: I will.
Vecchio bursts in before the door can close behind her.
SECURITY GUARD: We're closing now.
VECCHIO: Oh, no, you're not. [He pushes past the guard, who extends a hand to try to stop him.]
SECURITY GUARD: Hey!
FRASER: I'm terribly sorry — [He shakes the guard's extended hand and reads his nametag.] — ah, Bob. We'll just be a minute. Thank you.
VECCHIO: [waving his ATM card] Can I get a manager here? Can I see a manager?
TELLER: I'm sorry, sir, but the bank is closed. [She moves the "closed, next teller please" sign between herself and Vecchio.]
VECCHIO: Oh, no, it is not. It is not closed. See, it is open. [He moves the sign out of the way.]
TELLER: No, it is not, sir. [She moves it back.]
VECCHIO: Yes, it is, ma'am. [He moves it away again.]
FRASER: Ray, perhaps I can assist —
VECCHIO: Fraser, look. This is my bank, this is my account, I'll handle it, okay?
TELLER: Can I have a manager here?
VECCHIO: Very good, Laurie! Way to take the initiative!
BANK MANAGER: Can I help you, sir?
VECCHIO: [shaking his hand] Yes, hi. My name is Raymond Vecchio, this is my bank, and this was my ATM card. [He shows the guy his card, which has been shredded to ribbons.]
BANK MANAGER: Ah. Well. It's a machine, and occasionally we do have a problem or two. Let's take a look, shall we?
VECCHIO: Yes, let's.
In the van, Morgan has changed from her business suit to a pair of coveralls.
MORGAN: We've got fourteen minutes to be in and out.
She checks her gun. Sweetie hangs a lanyard with a fake ID around her neck. They kiss a couple of times and hop out of the van. Their accomplices, one of whom is wearing a baseball cap, follow with a janitorial cart.
Looks like Vecchio was trying to cash his check at an ATM after all, which makes the length of the line make a little more sense. But I say if the bank closes at 3pm, he should be able to go in at 2:45 and do business. I'm with him on this, and Laurie the Teller can shove it.
I'm not sure why Morgan and her team only have 14 minutes.
Scene 7
Vecchio and Fraser are in the bank manager's office.
BANK MANAGER: Vecchio. Uh, Raymond?
VECCHIO: Yeah, how many times do I have to tell you?
BANK MANAGER: Uh, account number?
VECCHIO: Nine-nine-one-oh-five.
BANK MANAGER: Hmm. Ah, you do have a problem. The account's been frozen.
VECCHIO: What?
BANK MANAGER: It can't be accessed.
VECCHIO: Yeah. Well. I think it can. [He puts his badge down on the manager's desk.]
BANK MANAGER: I'm afraid not without a court order, Detective, I can't help you. The owner of this account is deceased.
VECCHIO: Deceased.
Morgan, Sweetie, and their two pals with the janitorial cart are coming in a staff door and being let in by another security guard.
SECURITY GUARD (NOT BOB): New team, huh, Vince?
SWEETIE: Yeah, it's hard to find good help.
They all show Not Bob their badges.
It's a surprising closeup on Vecchio's badge, closer than we've seen before, so in case it turns out to matter, it's a big silver five-pointed star that says "DETECTIVE" across the top, "METROPOLITAN POLICE" around the middle, and "93026" at the bottom.
Scene 8
Vecchio is still arguing with the bank manager.
VECCHIO: Okay. Now, let me get this straight. I'm here, my money's here, but the computer says that I'm not really here, so I can't have it?
BANK MANAGER: I'm very sorry, sir. I'm going to have to call head office, and if you could just come back tomorrow —
VECCHIO: Hey, I'm a cop. I may not be alive tomorrow.
BANK MANAGER: Well, according to this, ah, you're not alive now.
FRASER: Excuse me, Ray. Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Sir, I am, ah, fully prepared to vouch for this man's veracity.
VECCHIO: See, a Canadian is vouching for me. Canadians do not lie.
FRASER: Well, I, I think that's probably hyperbole —
VECCHIO: He is also a Mountie. If you cannot trust a Mountie, who can you trust?
FRASER: Again, Ray, I'm not sure I'd go so far as —
VECCHIO: Oh, yes, you would.
FRASER: I would.
ASSISTANT MANAGER: Ah, ten to three, Mr. Cooper.
BANK MANAGER (MR. COOPER): Excuse me.
VECCHIO: Excuse you? I'm trying to do some business here with you! Will you wait a second?
Fraser and Vecchio follow Mr. Cooper out of his office, past the maintenance crew.
FRASER: Look, Ray. Perhaps we should —
VECCHIO: I want my money! All right, I'll tell you what. I'll give you this check, you give me twelve hundred and forty-two dollars and we'll call the head office in the morning.
Fraser feels like something is fishy. The maintenance guys are closing the blinds.
MR. COOPER: Mr. Vecchio, this is a secured area, if you would stand back please?
VECCHIO: Are you not going to give me a consideration here? All right, fine. Fine! I mean, who am I, right? I'm just a cop, right? Nobody important. I'm just a nameless, faceless working stiff who risks his life to protect your business and your family. Who may just happen to get his head blown off trying to find your stolen BMW. Are you listening to me? Is anybody listening to me?
Fraser has seen Morgan's red sneakers.
FRASER: Ray, there's something we'd better discuss —
VECCHIO: Not now, Fraser!
ASSISTANT MANAGER: Mr. Cooper, we have five minutes.
MORGAN: Freeze!
SWEETIE: Get down!
MORGAN: This is a holdup!
SWEETIE: Let's not have any dead heroes.
MORGAN: Okay, everyone, nice and slow. Down on the floor. Down! [Everyone but Fraser is getting down slowly.] It's you! The Mountie!
VECCHIO: Friend of yours?
FRASER: Ours. Last year, she robbed a brokerage firm.
VECCHIO: The one who shot you in the hat?
FRASER: Mm.
MORGAN: You made my life hell!
FRASER: I'm terribly sorry.
VECCHIO: Don't apologize to her.
ASSISTANT MANAGER: Don't shoot! Please don't shoot!
MORGAN: Nobody's going to shoot, just get down! Now!
Fraser and Vecchio run into the vault. Morgan sees them and starts shooting. They pull the door shut behind them. Morgan hauls Mr. Cooper to his feet.
MORGAN: Open it. Open it!
MR. COOPER: I can't. It's, it's got a time lock on it.
MORGAN: So disarm it.
MR. COOPER: I can't. No one can.
SWEETIE: What time does it open?
MR. COOPER: Eight o'clock. Tomorrow morning.
Sweetie and Morgan sigh in exasperation.
So I guess Morgan and her team had 14 minutes to get in and out before the vault closed at 3:00?
I wouldn't call Fraser unshaven, but he's definitely got some shadow about the chin and jaw, which is a bit of a surprise to me on such a normally fine-complected person. (I'm not saying it doesn't look good; have we met?)
Scene 9
Morgan is hurling herself at the vault door.
MORGAN: He is not getting away with this! Do you hear that, Mountie?
SWEETIE: It's okay, baby, it's okay. We'll take care of the Mountie.
MORGAN: I dreamed about him, Lenny. Every night while I was in prison. I carved his face into my cell wall. With my fingernails!
SWEETIE (LENNY): Morgan, I got you out of there, didn't I? I'll get you out of this, okay?
BASEBALL CAP: [keeping some employees under his gun over by the window] Forget it! It's impossible. That door is solid steel two feet thick!
LENNY: Harold?
NO BASEBALL CAP (HAROLD): Combinations are easy enough. It's the time lock. There's no point in drilling a lock that can't be disabled.
LENNY: Yeah, but there is a way, right?
HAROLD: There's always a way. You drill holes into the locking bolts, you stuff 'em with C-four, and then you blow 'em.
MORGAN: Good! Pack it with the stuff. I want those bozos blown to kingdom come.
So she was only in prison for one year; is that because she stole less than a thousand dollars or because she wasn't actually successful (or both)?
Scene 10
Vecchio is trying to call emergency from inside the vault.
VECCHIO: Hello? Nine-one-one, hello? I am not receiving. Why aren't I receiving here?
FRASER: [on his hands and knees examining the walls and the floor] Well, we're inside a vault, Ray.
VECCHIO: I know we're in a vault.
FRASER: High carbon steel, I'd say eight to ten inches thick. There's no hollow spots in the walls. It's probably backed by solid concrete.
VECCHIO: All right. Check for ventilation.
FRASER: Got it. [He starts climbing a shelf.]
VECCHIO: A vent?
FRASER: Yes. And we are in luck, Ray! It is completely sealed off.
VECCHIO: What?
FRASER: Airtight. Obviously for security. Rest easy, Ray. The money is perfectly safe.
VECCHIO: Oh, well, that's a relief, because for a moment there I was concerned that all these little Thomas Jeffersons were going to run out of oxygen!
FRASER: Ray, there is no need for either sarcasm or panic. We are in an eight-by-ten room with a ten-foot ceiling. That gives us roughly eight hundred cubic feet of air. It is now three-fifteen. The time lock isn't set to open until eight a.m. So there is no danger of us suffocating for at least . . . [He does some mental arithmetic.] You know, Ray, in situations like this, the Inuit —
VECCHIO: Oh, we're gonna die!
FRASER: We are not going to die, Ray.
VECCHIO: Oh, yes, we are, Fraser. We're gonna die protecting somebody else's money!
FRASER: Ray, there is an inherent danger in all police work.
VECCHIO: No, Fraser. What there is, is an inherent danger working with you.
FRASER: Well, you didn't have to do this. You could've thrown your hands in the air like a baby.
VECCHIO: That is what I was trying to do. I am not a baby!
FRASER: No, Ray. I know you. You were attempting to protect this institution —
VECCHIO: No, I wasn't!
FRASER: — and its employees with your life.
VECCHIO: You see? That's where you get confused. I am not like you, Fraser. I don't throw myself in the line of fire just so that some money-grubbing, backstabbing bank doesn't have to pay higher insurance premiums!
FRASER: You don't really mean that.
VECCHIO: Oh, yes, I do.
FRASER: No, you don't.
VECCHIO: Yes, I do.
FRASER: I beg to differ.
VECCHIO: In my heart and soul —
FRASER: I beg to —
A shot rings out.
Here's a fun little airtight room calculator that says we produce 1.7 cubic feet of CO2 per hour, so two people in an 800 cubic-foot room will reach toxic levels of CO2 buildup in (carry the one)
(800 * .03)/(2 * 1.7) = 24/3.4 = 7.058823529411765 hours
or, beginning at 3:15 p.m., before 10:30 that night.
(Here's another vintage sealed-enclosure calculator with a formula in it: t = {Vr - nVp}{Li - Lf} / nC
Where:
t = time lapsed from initial time to time of loss of consciousness (s)
Vr = volume of enclosure (in m3 )
Vp = volume of a person (about 0.1 m3 )
Li = initial oxygen concentration (21% or 0.21)
Lf = final oxygen concentration (12% or 0.12)
n = number of people in enclosure
C = per capita rate of oxygen consumption (3.33 10-6 m3 s-1 )But if Vr is 22.6535 and n is 2, I get (22.4535 * .09)/2 * (3.33 * 10
-6 ) = 1.858815/.00000666 = 303,425 seconds = 5,057 minutes = 84.28 hours, or about three and a half days, before the two of them use up all the oxygen in that room—which doesn't seem right at all? But that vintage site acknowledges that it's disregarding CO2 buildup, which seems foolish at best, so.)Would you even want a bank vault to be airtight? Shouldn't it be climate-controlled?
Scene 11
At the outside door of the vault, Harold is drilling and Baseball Cap is getting C4 ready to pack in the holes.
BASEBALL CAP: Could you slow down a bit, Harold? I'm looking forward to relaxing in jail this weekend.
HAROLD: I gotta drill eight holes through twelve inches of steel. Now, am I doing this, or are you?
LENNY: I'm gonna go check on the truck. Why don't you put this on the door? [hands him a sign that says "UNDER RENOVATION".]
BASEBALL CAP: What, I'm Messenger Boy?
MORGAN: Go.
He goes. Morgan slides to the floor. Harold starts drilling. Baseball Cap peers through the blinds on the bank door. The Riviera is still waiting there for Vecchio. Music cue: "Cha Shooky Doo" by Colin James. Francesca has made herself pretty comfortable in the car.
**RADIO:**♫ Uh huh huh, cha shooky doo, uh huh huh, cha shooky doo, I love you, I love you, yes, indeed, whoa whoa whoa, I love you, I love you, yes, indeed, you know that I love you and I need you too, I'll set the world on fire for you. ♫
Francesca is painting her nails and talking on a pink cell phone.
FRANCESCA: No, Ma, I can't go to the butcher's. Because I'm busy. Ma, it's always what you need and what Ray needs. What about what I need some time? What do I need? How about being treated like a valuable, respected human being for a change? No, Ma, the butcher does not respect me. "Kiss me and I'll give you a pork round" does not constitute respect. [She sees the "under renovation, pardon our noise" sign go up in the bank window.] Ma, I gotta go. Yeah, okay, Ma, fine. Pork chops and veal. Yes! Milk-fed! [She hangs up the phone and speaks to Diefenbaker.] You stay here. And don't touch the radio.
She gets out of the car and goes to the bank entrance. Diefenbaker immediately jumps out the window.
So this burglary crew intended to get in and out in 14 minutes and rob the place with handguns. How handy that they happen to also have C4 and its accoutrements and a drill with a bit capable of handling high carbon steel with them anyway even though that wasn't part of the plan, eh?
I'm digging Francesca asserting herself, though I could do without her chewing gum with her mouth open.
Scene 12
Fraser is geeking out over the vault.
FRASER: This is interesting, Ray. It's a nineteen-eighty-six Windsor-Creighton Protector two-thousand.
VECCHIO: Fraser, do you realize that we're going to die surrounded by millions of dollars?
FRASER: Ray, do you realize that this door has eight cantilevered deadbolts countersunk into two feet of solid high carbon steel? And in the ten years this vault has been in active use, to my knowledge, it has never been breached.
VECCHIO: I believe the Greeks have a word for this: Hubris.
FRASER: Well, no, Ray, actually, hubris is excessive pride or wanton insolence.
VECCHIO: What about pathos?
FRASER: [unbuttoning his uniform jacket] Well, pathos is a quality in an artistic representation which excites a feeling of pity or sadness.
VECCHIO: Hmm. What about onomatopoeia?
FRASER: [loosening his tie] Well, onomatopoeia is wherein a word imitates the sound or action of the thing it describes, i.e., woof, bow-wow, ribbit.
VECCHIO: Irony?
Fraser isn't playing anymore. Vecchio gives up.
FRASER: Now, the deadbolts are roughly four inches in diameter. If they're drilling, it means they intend to fill the holes with some kind of high explosive and then blow the door off its hinges. No doubt they've already disabled the surveillance cameras, so there's no fear of the police showing up until the alarm has been triggered.
VECCHIO: Which it won't be until the door is blown.
FRASER: [rolling up his sleeves] Which will be too late.
VECCHIO: Which means we'll probably die.
FRASER: No, we're not going to die, Ray. No doubt some foot patrol will chance upon our unhappy scene and notice that something is amiss.
VECCHIO: In Chicago?
FRASER: That's a good point.
VECCHIO: Francesca!
I don't know about the point of the Fraser-enumerates-literary-devices part of this scene, especially given that he should have said "e.g." instead of "i.e." (If you're going to be smug and insufferable you should at least be right.) But I'll overlook it because of the tie-loosening and sleeve-rolling.
Scene 13
Baseball Cap is sadistically toying with his captives, pointing his gun at them and lowering it to watch them cower and flinch. Francesca raps on the bank door.
FRANCESCA: Hey! Open up in there! Don't hide from me, I see you!
BASEBALL CAP: We're closed!
FRANCESCA: What?
BASEBALL CAP: Read the sign, lady!
FRANCESCA: Hey! Don't get smart with me, mister! Oh, oh, what? So you're saying because I'm a woman I must be overreacting?
BASEBALL CAP: Don't cause a scene, lady!
FRANCESCA: A scene? Oh, no, no, this is not a scene. Now if I were screaming and stamping my feet, for instance, like this — [She stomps her feet in her little kitten-heel mules.] — yes, this would be making a scene! [Diefenbaker looks at the screaming and foot-stamping and runs off. He sees Lenny placing cones at the entrance to the alleyway.] Come on! What are you, covering for him? Has he got some girl in there? He does, doesn't he? [Inside, Morgan hears Francesca yelling at the doorway. She goes to join Baseball Cap and see what's up.] That low-life brother of mine is in there making a date with some bank teller! Oh, this is rich! A guy with a bad haircut flashes a badge, and they fall all over him.
BASEBALL CAP: Some nut says we got her brother.
FRANCESCA: Look, you tell Mr. Fancy Pants Detective either he's out here in two minutes, or I'm wrapping that car around a tree!
MORGAN: Detective, huh? [They let her in.]
FRANCESCA: Okay, where is he —
As soon as she is inside, they point guns at her.
The outfit is not entirely not Alicia Silverstone and Stacey Dash in Clueless (1995), is it?
Scene 14
Morgan holds a telephone receiver up to Francesca.
MORGAN: Talk.
FRANCESCA: [holding her hands in the air] I refuse to be used as a pawn to make my brother forsake his duty.
MORGAN: If that door isn't open in ten seconds? [She waggles her gun at Francesca.]
FRANCESCA: Gimme that.
Francesca takes the phone. Inside the vault, the phone rings.
VECCHIO: Phone!
FRASER: I was afraid of this. [He bodily stops Vecchio from answering the phone.] No, Ray! Ray, no!
VECCHIO: What are you doing?
FRASER: It is them.
VECCHIO: Of course it's them. Who else has the phone number to the vault?
FRASER: Ray, they are going to try to talk to us. Convince us to open the door.
VECCHIO: We can open it?
FRASER: Of course we can open it. The emergency release lever is right here. It's standard equipment.
VECCHIO: You knew this and you didn't tell me? [He goes for the release lever.]
FRASER: Ray, would please listen to me? This isn't about the loss of millions of dollars from some bank! This is about the average ordinary citizen who has placed their trust in an institution. We're here to guard that trust.
VECCHIO: Fraser, they'll get their money back. It's insured. [The lever breaks off.] It's broken.
FRASER: It's not broken. I disabled it.
VECCHIO: What did you do that for?
FRASER: In case one of us weakened.
Vecchio dives for the phone again. Fraser rips it out of the wall.
VECCHIO: What are you doing?
FRASER: It was Francesca.
VECCHIO: Of course it's Francesca! She's in the bank!
Francesca jiggles the phone cradle. Morgan grabs it from her, listens to how it's no longer ringing, and storms off.
FRANCESCA: He . . . he hung up. I'm standing here with a gun to my head, and, and he won't even come to the phone!
Vecchio is staring at Fraser with wide eyes.
VECCHIO: They're gonna kill her, Fraser.
FRASER: No, they're not, Ray. If they can't speak to you, then they can't tell you that they have Francesca. And if they can't tell you that they have Francesca, then they can't threaten you, rendering the point of a hostage moot.
VECCHIO: But I know that they have her.
FRASER: But they don't know that you know, you see? It's the only way to protect her.
VECCHIO: She's my sister.
FRASER: She's also a very intelligent young woman, capable of handling herself in any given situation.
VECCHIO: You really believe that?
FRASER: Not at all.
VECCHIO: Good. Me either.
Fraser is right about not letting the bad guys know Vecchio knows they have Francesca and wrong about all the rest of it, I feel. Fuck off with disabling the emergency release lever, and fuck right off with calling Francesca "a very intelligent young woman"—okay she's younger than Vecchio, but she's a grown-up just like them, not some kid. UGH. (And the fact that he's blowing smoke when he says it is even worse.)
In other mysteries, though, if there's a phone, why couldn't Vecchio call emergency on that phone when his cell didn't work? Also, how are the phone wires getting in—through some sort of hole, right? So the room can't really be airtight?
Scene 15
Francesca is now yelling at Morgan.
FRANCESCA: Do something!
MORGAN: Lady, I can't threaten him if he won't pick up the phone!
FRANCESCA: So keep dialing. What kind of bank robber are you?
MORGAN: Look, you either shut up and sit down or I'm gonna shoot you.
FRANCESCA: Yeah, like anyone would notice.
MORGAN: [throws Francesca to the floor; yells at Harold] Don't just stand there! Drill!
Harold gets back to work. Outside, Lenny is at the truck. Diefenbaker is barking at him.
LENNY: Out of here! Get! Go on!
Diefenbaker runs off. Lenny leaves the truck. Its back door is ajar. Diefenbaker returns and looks at it. Inside, Francesca is talking to her fellow captives.
FRANCESCA: They're gonna kill us all, you know. A last prayer. A single bullet to the head. Tomorrow? We'll be nothing but headlines. [She realizes this means someone will have noticed her.] Yes! Headlines! And photographs! Oh! Dead bodies on a blood-soaked rug. Family members prostrate with grief. A reporter chronicles their last brave moments. [The assistant manager starts to cry.] Oh, no, no, don't cry! Hey! Let's sing a marching song!
Inside the vault, Fraser is standing still and Vecchio is pacing.
VECCHIO: Okay, so they have the drills, they have the explosives, and they have my sister. And we've got — what do we got, Fraser? [He stops pacing and faces Fraser.]
FRASER: We have our wits, Ray.
VECCHIO: [starts pacing again] So they have the drills, they have the explosives, and they have my sister. And we've got — what do we got, Fraser? [He stops pacing again.]
FRASER: Well, there's always Diefenbaker. He's ever alert to an emergency.
Diefenbaker is in the van, eating the burglary crew's snacks.
LENNY: I said stay out of here! Get out!
Diefenbaker leaves the van. Fraser and Vecchio are still consulting.
FRASER: In fact, I think he will go straight for the nearest available help.
Diefenbaker runs. He passes a fire truck with a full crew. He passes a posse of servicemen. He passes a police officer arguing with someone about a ticket.
VECCHIO: Okay, so they have the drills, they have the explosives, and they have my sister.
Scene 16
Francesca is still running her mouth at all the rest of the captives.
FRANCESCA: The first thing you have to watch out for is that Norwegian syndrome, because you cannot identify with them in any way. But not that you would, because you are brave innocent hostages, and they're unfeeling worms who should be stripped naked and hung upside down by their toes, but that's later. Okay, in the meantime, I need you to listen to me very carefully.
MR. COOPER: Excuse me. Who are you, anyway?
Diefenbaker is running.
Francesca means Stockholm Syndrome, of course, the controversial idea that captives sometimes form a bond with their captors and begin to sympathize with them during their captivity. But never mind: She is coming up with a plan! Go, Francesca!
Scene 17
Morgan goes over to the vault door.
MORGAN: You got it?
HAROLD: I can't tell. I don't know how deep the deadbolt is. I need the specs for the door.
Fraser is hitting the door with a tuning fork.
FRASER: Now, I don't have the specifications for the door, Ray. But I've been making calculations based on its thickness, the depth of the existing hole, and the reflection of the tonal input as it percusses against my tuning fork.
VECCHIO: Where the hell did you get a tuning fork?
FRASER: Well, that's not important, Ray. What is important is that I have managed to ascertain that the bolts are eight point three inches from the outside surface.
Morgan aims her gun at Mr. Cooper.
MORGAN: How far?
MR. COOPER: About eight inches.
HAROLD: We're there, then. That's nineteen point one minutes a bolt —
Fraser is thinking out loud.
FRASER: — nineteen point one minutes per bolt to drill the remaining holes, another two minutes after that to set the charges, and then another minute to prime them —
Harold has a calculator.
HAROLD: — and one minute to prime them. That's —
Vecchio is tired of listening.
FRASER: Now, that is one hundred and thirty-seven minutes in total. The upshot of this, Ray, is that we need a plan.
VECCHIO: Well, there is a plan, Fraser, and it goes something like this: They drill the door, they blow the door, they shoot us with automatic weapons, and we die.
FRASER: Mm-hmm. What about a happier plan, Ray? A plan in which we surprise them, we disarm them, and we rescue the hostages.
VECCHIO: And we do all of this with a tuning fork? Look, Fraser, if I had a choice between one of their plans and one of yours, I'd choose theirs. It's probably safer.
In the lobby, Francesca is trying to rally her troops.
FRANCESCA: Sure we'll die painful grisly deaths, but it'll be worth it, because finally our families will respect us.
The assistant manager sobs.
I mean, on the bright side, 137 minutes is only about two hours and a quarter, so they certainly won't asphyxiate. (Fraser's math is correct: Seven more bolts at 19.1 minutes each is 133.7, plus three more minutes for setting and priming the charges.) Meanwhile, I, too, want to know why he happens to have a tuning fork in his pocket, and I continue to love Francesca. (Fun story about the word grisly—I was editing a manuscript in which the writer had referred to first responders coming upon a "grizzly scene," and I had one of those moments where I felt confident that it will always be necessary to have a human being rather than a computer spell checker doing my job. Same with the time someone had written about a tool "not [being] a silver bullet that heals all wounds." These examples are real.)
Scene 18
Inside the vault, Fraser is looking at the ceiling. Vecchio is curled up by the door, using his coat as a pillow, trying to nap.
FRASER: You know, Ray, there's only one way to break out of here, rescue your sister, and prevent this robbery.
VECCHIO: Yeah, how's that?
FRASER: It'd be dangerous. You'd be risking your life. You'd have to trust me implicitly.
VECCHIO: Yeah? Well, I don't trust you at all.
FRASER: You don't really mean that, do you?
VECCHIO: Oh, yes, I do. I mean, why should I trust you? In the last two years you've risked our lives twenty-four times.
FRASER: Boy, I had no idea it'd been that many.
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, it has.
FRASER: I didn't realize you'd been counting.
VECCHIO: Well, I just felt that I should, because you didn't seem to pay any attention to it.
FRASER: I'm sorry if it upset you, Ray.
VECCHIO: I am not upset, I just wish you would ask me about it, let me know in advance.
FRASER: How far in advance?
VECCHIO: I don't know. How about an hour?
FRASER: What if we're in the middle of a crisis, Ray?
VECCHIO: Just ask me.
FRASER: All right, I'm asking you.
VECCHIO: Well, I'll have to think about it.
FRASER: Why?
VECCHIO: 'Cause I'll just have to think about it, okay? God, I'd just like to get some rest.
Diefenbaker is still running.
Actually 24 is a little high, right, because (a) it was only one year, maybe a year and a half given the distance between the pilot and the first episode, and (b) the first season had a pilot and then 22 episodes, two of which were two-parters, so that's really only 21 basic events—and Vecchio's life was not in danger in "Diefenbaker's Day Off," "Chicago Holiday," or "An Invitation to Romance" (and neither of them was really in danger for his life in "The Wild Bunch," "An Eye For an Eye," or "Heaven and Earth"). On the other hand, Vecchio's life was on the line no fewer than three times in the pilot alone, so maybe it ultimately all works out to 24. The idea of giving him a one-hour heads up is very funny. This conversation pleases me greatly.
Scene 19
Francesca is whispering to Baseball Cap.
FRANCESCA: I know we've only known each other a brief time, but for some reason I feel a deep kinship towards you and your cause, and — well, I know now that I wish to dedicate my life to whatever your life is dedicated to.
BASEBALL CAP: We're stealing money, lady.
FRANCESCA: Oh! Well I suppose that'll do.
Baseball Cap motions with his gun that she should sit back down. Diefenbaker is still running. Vecchio is still curled up by the vault door, resting. Fraser is doing percussion on his knees.
VECCHIO: Okay. Okay. What is it? [Fraser draws breath to speak. Vecchio interrupts.] No, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me. Just do it, okay? Because if you tell me, two things are going to happen. One, I'm gonna know it's stupid [Fraser raises his eyebrows.] — and two, you're gonna do it anyway. This way, you can just do it, and I won't know that it's stupid. [He lies down again.]
FRASER: So you've given this some thought?
VECCHIO: Yes.
FRASER: You're quite sure?
VECCHIO: Oh, I'm positive.
FRASER: All right.
Fraser uses the broken door handle to break the head off the sprinkler, which immediately begins showering the bank vault with water.
VECCHIO: Hey! What the hell did you do that for? [He gets up and tries to get his coat over his head to keep him dry.]
FRASER: Well, you said you didn't want to know.
VECCHIO: Yeah, well, now I want to know!
FRASER: Well, I'm not sure that I should tell you.
VECCHIO: Tell me!
FRASER: You're sure?
VECCHIO: Yes!
FRASER: All right. As I mentioned earlier, they have one hundred and thirty-seven minutes to open this vault. Now, they resumed drilling exactly five minutes and twenty-seven seconds ago. That leaves them one hundred and thirty-one minutes and thirty-three seconds. Now, taking into account the dimensions of this room, the size of this sprinkler head, and the rate of the flow of water, by the time they blow this door, this vault will be filled with water, and they will be met by a virtual tidal wave.
VECCHIO: And where will we be in the meantime?
FRASER: Floating.
VECCHIO: I realize that. Dead or alive?
FRASER: [thinking about this] Well, there should be sufficient air left.
VECCHIO: How much is sufficient?
FRASER: An inch, give or take.
VECCHIO: Oh, that much?
FRASER: What?
VECCHIO: That much?!
FRASER: Oh, yeah. Yeah. That is, providing they maintain a constant rate of drilling.
Okay so: Fraser means "a virtual tsunami," probably, because "tidal wave" is not a technical term. Also, help me out with the fluid mechanics of this situation: If (if) the room is airtight . . . isn't it also watertight? (Except, how is the water line coming in? Through a hole, right? So isn't that another way the room not really airtight?) Won't the weight of the water stress the door a lot more than, well, not? Or, won't filling the room with water compress the air?
Mainly, though, I find the absolute not-giving-a-shit with which Fraser stands there under what is probably a very cold shower to be hilarious. Contemplating the filming of this scene fills me with glee. And also, of course, in 1995 having your leading man in his shirtsleeves and soaked to the skin was very much the done thing.
Scene 20
Francesca watches Baseball Cap pace by, then removes her jacket and waves to her fellow captives.
FRANCESCA: It's now or never. Auf wiedersehen! [She stands up and calls to Harold.] Hey! You with the drill! [He stops drilling and looks at her. She opens her blouse; underneath she is wearing a red bustier.] Take me!
Vecchio is resting his chin on a shelf with his coat over his head.
VECCHIO: And what if they stop drilling?
Fraser listens to the sound of the drill not running. Outside, Diefenbaker has reached the Canadian consulate and barks at the guy from scene 1, who is doing mannequin guard duty. The ice cream boy and another kid are shooting spitballs at him; his face and the brim of his hat are dotted with them.
SECOND KID: Maybe he's stuffed.
Diefenbaker barks some more. In the vault, Vecchio and Fraser look at the door, where no one is drilling.
VECCHIO: And the backup plan?
They contemplate the sprinklers.
"Auf wiedersehen" is German for "au revoir," which is French for "see ya"—"until we meet again," that is.
I thought the ice cream kid in scene 1 looked familiar, and seeing the other kid next to him in this scene confirms it for me: These are two of the kids who were at the county holding center in "A Cop, a Mountie, and a Baby." The smaller kid here is the one who got five bucks off Vecchio for seeming like a Dickensian urchin, and the other one is one of the ones who was impressed by this. Only the littler one is credited in this episode, as far as I can tell, and he doesn't have a last name that matches any of the crew or creatives, so it's not that they borrowed some staff members' kids when they had kid scenes or anything—but they have totally reused these kids. (Apparently the littler one was also the baseball bat kid in "An Eye for an Eye," in which I didn't recognize him, probably because of the Ralphie hat covering his curls.) (Ralphie was wearing a regular hat over earmuffs, wasn't he. Never mind.)
Scene 21
Harold resumes drilling. Lenny is taping Francesca to an office chair.
FRANCESCA: All right, so it was a desperate and foolish ploy. But someone has to stand up to you people. I'll sacrifice anything, you know. My life, my honor, even my body.
LENNY: Look, I promise you, lady, nobody wants your body.
FRANCESCA: Well, you say that now, but later, when you're tired and frustrated, and the smell of sweat is in the air —
MORGAN: Are you done yet?
LENNY: Will you shut up and stay put, please?
MORGAN: You should have had her tied up in the first place.
Francesca turns to confide in the other captives.
FRANCESCA: You see? I have them right where I want them. They think I'm nuts!
The others think so too.
Scene 22
Harold is drilling. Lenny is oiling the drill bit. Vecchio is sitting on a shelf in a couple of feet of water with his shoes in his lap.
VECCHIO: You know, I just can't shake this feeling that we're gonna die. Fraser! [Fraser surfaces from under the water. He sloshes over to the door and has a listen.] How many was that?
FRASER: Six. There's two more to go. All right, we've lost seven minutes. And at point-two-six cubic inches per second, that will leave us approximately . . . Well, you know, Ray, there are worse things than dying.
VECCHIO: Name three.
FRASER: How about two?
VECCHIO: All right.
FRASER: Living without honor or dying without reason.
VECCHIO: Which one would this be?
FRASER: Well, this wouldn't be either of those, actually. This would be more like death in the line of duty.
VECCHIO: You know, I always thought duty was something you get paid to do. This is more like voluntary stupidity.
FRASER: Well, I'm sure there are some people who think that's what good deeds are, Ray.
VECCHIO: Well, aren't they?
FRASER: Well, I don't know. I've never thought about it.
There are 1,382,400 cubic inches in 800 cubic feet. At .26 cubic inches per second, it would take 5,316,923 seconds to fill that vault from empty; that's 88,615 minutes or 1,477 hours. That's two solid months. What is not going to happen to these guys is that they drown. Certainly not in the next 43.2 minutes, which is how long they say it's going to take the baddies to finish drilling and blowing out the door.
But anyway, .26 cubic inches per second is less than .07 gallons per minute, which is not a reasonable flow rate for a fire suppression system. Those things can run at 100 gallons per minute, I mean to say; 116 gallons per minute is .26 cubic feet per second, at which rate they've got 3,077 seconds, which is a little more than 51 minutes. Maybe that's what Fraser meant to say.
Scene 23
At the consulate, Diefenbaker is barking at the guard Mountie. The little boys are still blowing spitballs. The clock is chiming.
GUARD: Trouble? [Diefenbaker barks.] Canadian? [Diefenbaker barks.] Lead on!
Diefenbaker runs. The guard follows him, leaving spitballs and ice cream cones in his wake.
So this guy and Diefenbaker are Timmy and Lassie, apparently. (I believe this guard is played by Fraser's stunt man, which is just an extra bit of charm. I mean, who else would you get when Fraser wasn't available?)
Scene 24
Baseball Cap is lovingly getting balls of C4 ready to load into the holes Harold has been drilling.
BASEBALL CAP: Get the detonator.
Diefenbaker is running. The spare constable is following him. Lenny brings Baseball Cap a case with a detonator in it. Francesca watches them unload it. In the vault, the water is about twice as deep as it was in scene 22. Vecchio is moving bags of money to higher shelves. Fraser is annoyed.
VECCHIO: The point is, Fraser, you almost get yourself killed for some stupid cause every other day, and you never stop to ask yourself what are you getting out of this. Is someone paying you to do this? Or am I just some crazed do-gooder? Or, is God telling you to do this? [He starts taking cash out of one of the bags.]
FRASER: Ray, that is private property.
VECCHIO: I don't care! I am getting my twelve hundred and forty-two bucks, all right? That is what I'm getting out of this. But what about you? Do you know what you're getting out of this? No, you don't, do you?
FRASER: No, Ray, it is simply a responsibility I assumed when I put on the uniform.
VECCHIO: The uniform. You don't even like that uniform! They took away the uniform that you liked. And did you say anything? No! Not a word!
Vecchio counts cash. Fraser sits down in the water and ponders this.
I mean, Vecchio has been right about everything so far in this episode (except pretending he needed to have his arm in a sling, which he hasn't been wearing since scene 14). Banks have insurance! Individuals don't need to take dangerous risks to protect account holders' money, because human lives are more important than property! Fraser is loyal to his uniform in a way that his uniform is not loyal to him!
Scene 25
Diefenbaker and the spare constable are running. A burglar comes out of a store, pointing his gun back at the place he has just robbed. The spare constable grabs the gun, knocks the robber out with it, and throws the gun and the bag of money back to the store owner. The store owner aims the gun at the robber; the spare constable keeps running.
Harold finishes drilling.
HAROLD: We're done.
MORGAN: Blow it.
Baseball Cap starts loading C4 into the drill holes.
Diefenbaker and the spare constable are running. The spare constable stops to do a brief stint as a crossing guard while a group of small children follow their teacher across a marked crosswalk.
Lenny is running cord from the charged vault door to the detonator. Francesca looks at the cord.
The spare constable finishes protecting the preschoolers in the crosswalk.
Lenny is connecting the cord to the detonator. Francesca catches the cord with the heel of her shoe and pulls it back to where she can grab it and start sawing at it against the back of her chair.
FRANCESCA: [to her fellow captives] Think of me fondly.
They all try to get a little further away from her.
I don't know about sawing electric cabling with an office chair frame, but I definitely don't know about directing traffic in an already marked crosswalk. JESUS.
Scene 26
Diefenbaker and the spare constable are running through R.A. Burnside Park. The spare constable is tipping his hat to people as he runs by them.
In the vault, Fraser and Vecchio are bobbing within about two or three feet of the ceiling. They are holding onto bags of money to keep them afloat, and their toes are poking out of the water.
VECCHIO: Admit it, Fraser. You feel unappreciated. Can you do this for me? Can you do this one small thing for me? Can you admit that at least once in your perfect existence you've felt the need to put yourself before your duty? Because if you do that, I can float peacefully to my death.
FRASER: Why, Ray?
VECCHIO: I just will, now humor me.
FRASER: All right. Uh, occasionally — it's only very occasionally — I do feel some is this really necessary?
VECCHIO: Fraser, I am drowning on dry land.
FRASER: All right, Ray, all right. Occasionally, I do feel . . . what was it?
VECCHIO: Unappreciated.
FRASER: Unappreciated. Occasionally, I do feel unappreciated.
VECCHIO: You do?
FRASER: Occasionally.
VECCHIO: Well, thank you! Good! Well, from now on — well, for the next minute or two —
FRASER: Uh-huh.
VECCHIO: — can you try to stick up for yourself a bit more?
FRASER: Yes, I will try, Ray.
"Can you admit that at least once in your perfect existence you've felt the need to put yourself before your duty?" says Vecchio, who has apparently forgotten all about the time Fraser was going to run away with the bank robber he was in love with and forfeit the bail funds for which Vecchio himself had mortgaged his family's home. (Okay, maybe he meant at least once besides that?)
The water is up over the phone, which has 48 volts of DC even when it's not ringing, so shouldn't our heroes have been electrocuted by now?
Scene 27
Diefenbaker and the spare constable are leaping over things on their way to the bank.
Baseball Cap has pressed cords into all the C4 in all the drill holes.
BASEBALL CAP: We're on.
He and Morgan move away from the door. Inside the vault, Fraser and Vecchio are treading water. There is enough room between the surface of the water and the ceiling for their noses and mouths if they keep their heads tipped back.
VECCHIO: Well, at least they won't be gathered for nothing on Thursday. Hey, Benny!
FRASER: Yes, Ray?
VECCHIO: My eulogy. I would have liked you to have delivered it.
FRASER: Well, I'm honored, Ray.
VECCHIO: What would you have said?
FRASER: Well, let's see. I think I would have said that you were a good friend and that you never failed me.
VECCHIO: I didn't, did I?
FRASER: Never. Well, except for that one time.
VECCHIO: What time?
FRASER: You know, Ray, to discuss it in a situation like this really would be considered nitpicking.
VECCHIO: How did I fail you?
FRASER: You didn't really fail me. It was a — I've almost forgotten about it.
VECCHIO: Well, ten seconds ago you didn't forget about it. You see, this is so like you. Here we are having a nice mano y mano and you have to ruin it by being honest.
He means the time you shot him in the back, Ray, but you're more right than he is, because you didn't fail him when that happened, you saved him.
Fight me.
The water is up over the electric lights (there are electric lights; so how are the electric wires getting in? Through a hole, right? So the room isn't actually airtight?), so shouldn't our heroes have been electrocuted by now even if the phone didn't do it? (Also, it's "mano a mano," isn't it?)
Scene 28
Cords are coming from the vault door to a junction box, and then a long cord runs from the junction box to the detonator. Francesca is taped to her office chair. The rest of the captives are still up under the counter. The robbers are hiding under a desk.
MORGAN: Do it. [They brace themselves. Baseball Cap presses a button. Nothing happens.] What now?
They all pop up and look at the door. The guys go to see what's up; Morgan looks at the cord. She follows it with her eyes and sees that it goes behind Francesca's chair. Francesca looks up shiftily and turns to hide where she is holding the two separated ends of the cord in her hands.
FRANCESCA: What?
MORGAN: You!
She jumps at Francesca. Francesca ducks and touches the wires together. The C4 explodes and knocks the three guys away from the door; one of them fires his gun as he falls down.
VECCHIO: What was that?
FRASER: Our plan unfolding.
Everyone in the bank lobby — Francesca, Morgan, the other captives, the other robbers — is looking at the door and listening to the straining noises it is making.
FRASER: Ready?
Fraser and Vecchio duck under the water. The door collapses outward, and water gushes from the vault. Lenny, Harold, and Baseball Cap are borne back on a slip-n-slide of water through the bank lobby. Fraser and Vecchio ride the surge down after them. All five of them crash into the wall at the end of the lobby. Morgan runs for the door. Francesca picks up her feet to try to keep them out of the water.
FRANCESCA: Ugh, forty-nine-dollar shoes!
Morgan gets to the door just as the spare constable opens it from the other side. He knocks the door back into her; it knocks into him; they fall down in opposite directions, knocked out. Diefenbaker barks.
FRASER: Good work, Ray.
VECCHIO: And you, Fraser.
I have no concept anymore of a time when $49 was a lot of money for a pair of cute shoes.
Scene 29
Fraser is untying the other captives' hands. Vecchio is untaping Francesca.
VECCHIO: I thought I told you to stay in the car.
FRANCESCA: Oh, yeah, that's gratitude.
VECCHIO: For what?
FRANCESCA: Thirty years of picking up socks, buying veal, and kissing butchers.
VECCHIO: Excuse me?
FRANCESCA: And the next time I say five minutes, I mean five minutes. Clear?
She stomps off. Vecchio looks at Fraser. Fraser shrugs.
So Francesca is younger than Vecchio, as we knew, and she's at least 30 years old, confirming that Vecchio is over 30 himself (and probably about the same age as Fraser).
Scene 30
Fraser and Vecchio come out of the bank. Diefenbaker is sitting over the unconscious spare constable.
VECCHIO: You see, Fraser, now, this is how it's done. The criminals are inside, and we are outside. Now, do you think you can remember that next time?
FRASER: I'll try, Ray.
VECCHIO: Thank you. Is that a smile?
FRASER: No, no, of course not. Of course, although, I will admit to a certain satisfaction.
VECCHIO: It is a smile. Well, I'll be!
FRASER: Be what, Ray?
VECCHIO: It's an expression.
FRASER: It means nothing to me.
I do not for one moment believe that Bob Fraser nor his mother never said "Well, I'll be." Come on.
Scene 31
Fraser is standing in Inspector Thatcher's office. He is wearing the brown uniform.
FRASER: With respect, ma'am, I have always considered myself to be a diligent officer who has conducted himself with loyalty and obedience. However, this uniform . . . I have worn this uniform with pride my entire career, as my father wore his and many before him. To me it is much more than just a, a piece of cloth. It is a tradition that links me to every officer who has ever worn it and acquitted himself with honor and integrity. While it is not the current fashion, I would be hard pressed to change it without feeling that I had, in some way, betrayed that tradition. And so, in that this uniform, while not in common usage, is still regulation issue; and in that in most postings the choice of uniform rests with the officer and not with the commander — well, I, I, I would prefer — well, that, that is, if it's all the same — um. Actually I, I, I don't much care — ma'am — [He clears his throat.] — I will not change my uniform.
THATCHER: You're fired.
FRASER: Understood.
Here's the new boss, who appeared in the opening credits and has not been seen until now, literally two seconds from the end of the episode. We've been coached to be afraid of her by Ovitz's description of what I believe is occasionally colloquially described as a "ball buster," and here she is firing Fraser for refusing to update his uniform. Is her position reasonable? Hard to say. She's the liaison officer, innit, and he's (hoping to remain) her deputy, so the job is not just a matter of law enforcement (in which position it would probably be fine to keep wearing the brown uniform if he wanted to, or to work out of uniform if necessary as he did when we first saw him); their work can affect the image and reputation of the RCMP, so I can see where she'd want her subordinates to use the current uniform rather than an outdated one. ("Obsolete! Obsolete! Obsolete!") Also, standing up for yourself is one thing, but insubordination is another. "Wear the blue uniform instead of the brown one." "No." You're going to get in trouble for that. "Wear the blue uniform instead of the brown one." "I have reasons for preferring the brown one that I'd like an opportunity to discuss." Better, don't you think? In short: Oh, Fraser.
I don't find any reference they could have been making with the title to anything other than the fact that it takes place in a bank vault. Sometimes a title is just a title.
Cumulative body count: 16
Red uniform: Does not appear on Fraser in this episode, although the spare Mountie wears it the whole time