return to due South: season 4 episode 5 (or season 3 episode 18) "Dead Men Don't Throw Rice"

Dead Men Don't Throw Rice
air date November 4, 1998

Scene 1

Fraser and Kowalski and at least one other person are in a hotel room playing a board game. Fraser is moving his piece and the dice are falling on the board at the same time. Someone else is holding a game card like a poker hand. There is also a pot or kitty in the middle of the board.

FRASER: Ah, Boston and Maine Railroad, which I'll buy.

Diefenbaker, watching TV, grumbles.

SOMEONE ELSE IN THE ROOM: One phone call.
KOWALSKI: I told you, no phone.
SOMEONE ELSE IN THE ROOM: I wanna order a pizza.
KOWALSKI: You had pizza.
SOMEONE ELSE IN THE ROOM: So I wanna order another pizza.
TV REPORTER: . . . to lay a murder charge against Van Zandt, even thought the body of his alleged victim has never been found. [Someone Else In The Room comes over to look at the screen. He has curly hair and is wearing a sharp blue suit.] Tomorrow the prosecution is expected to wrap up its case with the testimony of a mystery wit— [Kowalski turns off the TV.]
SOMEONE ELSE IN THE ROOM: Hey, they were just going to talk about me!
KOWALSKI: I've heard enough talk about you. It's your turn. Now roll.
SOMEONE ELSE IN THE ROOM (MYSTERY WITNESS): Ah, I gotta go to the can.
KOWALSKI: Leave the door open.
MYSTERY WITNESS: I can't go when anyone's watchin'.
KOWALSKI: If you're pee-shy, then don't go.
MYSTERY WITNESS: Hey, you know, you guys are a stone drag, you know that? How 'bout some women? How 'bout some booze? How 'bout some fast horses?
KOWALSKI: Look, I told you, no women, no booze, no gambling, okay? No booze, no women, no gambling.
MYSTERY WITNESS: How about some soda? Get a little crazy!
KOWALSKI: Crazy. Yeah, okay, I'll grab you a soda from the machine. [to Fraser, as he leaves the table] What's the knock?
FRASER: Ah, once, twice, once.
MYSTERY WITNESS: One lousy drink! I could get killed tomorrow.
FRASER: No, you're going to be fine, Mr. Jones. You have the full protection of the state of Illinois. You'll be relocated with a new identity.
MYSTERY WITNESS (JONES): Van Zandt wants me, he'll find me.
FRASER: Mr. Van Zandt is going to spend the rest of his life in prison.
JONES: And I'm gonna spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulders, pirouetting down the street like Nureyev in case there's someone behind me.

The game they are playing is meant to be Monopoly, but it isn't. In the first place, Boston and Maine Railroad isn't a property in the U.S. or Canadian versions of the game (the U.S. railroads are Reading, Pennsylvania, B&O [Baltimore and Ohio], and Short Line; the Canadian railroads from 1982–1999 were CP [Canadian Pacific], BC [British Columbia], CN [Canadian National], and Ontario Northland). In the second place, though, look at the board. Fraser is moving a token to a property two spaces from the corner, and the railroads are always in the middle of each side. The corner he's coming up to appears to say "Start Here" rather than "Go," and there seem to be three properties in the last group before that corner rather than just two, although every edition of Monopoly ever made has a two-property group on either side of Go (the dark purples at the beginning and the dark blues at the end). But the big thing is that the spaces are yellow and red and green rather than white with color-group headers. In short, this is not a Monopoly board, so I should probably not stress about the fact that there are buildings apparently on two of the three yellow property spaces in front of Fraser as well as on the red (what would be if this were U.S. Monopoly) Luxury Tax space and on the green (ditto ditto) Chance card space? Or that Fraser is talking about buying a property that, in addition to how it can't possibly be a railroad, apparently someone already owns or it wouldn't already have buildings on it? Or that he's moving his piece and declaring his intention to buy this property before the dice have actually landed? (The bills and whatnot in the middle of the board I can overlook, because some people play by house rules calling for taxes to go in there rather than to the bank and be awarded to someone landing on Free Parking.)

Rudolf Nureyev was a great ballet dancer, arguably the best of his generation, possibly the best ever, who defected from the Soviet Union to France in 1961. I don't think he spent the rest of his life looking over his shoulder expecting to be caught and returned to Russia, so I assume Jones's Nureyev comparison ends with the pirouetting.

Scene 2

In the hotel room hallway, Kowalski is drinking a soda on his way back to the room. He slows down when he sees two people go by and knock on the door. In the room, Fraser looks up at the knock—which is not once, twice, once—and Diefenbaker starts to bark.

JONES: I'm dead.

Jones hides between the beds. Fraser goes to the door; Kowalski runs up behind the visitors and tackles them to the ground just as Fraser opens the door. They are a Black woman and a white man, whose tie Diefenbaker starts sniffing at.

KOWALSKI: Chicago PD! Stay down!
FRASER: Ah, Special Investigator Handler.
NECKTIE: Let go of my tie!
HANDLER: [getting up] Put that psycho on a leash. What the hell do you think you're doing?
KOWALSKI: What the hell do you think you're doing?
FRASER: You are actually an hour early.
KOWALSKI: Not to mention the secret knock, of which there was none.
FRASER: There seems to be no harm done.
HANDLER: Jones still in one piece?
FRASER: He is, yes. [Jones peeks up from behind the bed.]
HANDLER: Well, consider yourself relieved.
NECKTIE: You ought to try decaf, Vecchio, huh?

The replacements are mad. Kowalski is vaguely entertained, possibly even flirting with Handler, who is having none of it. But listen, he's right: If there's a special signal and you don't give it, what do you think is going to happen?

Scene 3

Fraser and Kowalski are leaving the motel.

KOWALSKI: Ah, you hungry?
FRASER: Well, I suppose I could — [Diefenbaker growls.] — well, he wasn't talking to you. [Diefenbaker barks.]
KOWALSKI: I'll call Vittorio's. Hand me my phone.
FRASER: Your phone?
KOWALSKI: Yeah.
FRASER: Well, I don't have your phone.
KOWALSKI: Jones.

They hurry back to the room, where Kowalski knocks once, then twice, then once.

HANDLER: Yeah?
KOWALSKI: Vecchio. [Handler opens the door, and Kowalski pushes right in.] Where's Jones?
NECKTIE: He's in the can.

Fraser knocks on the bathroom door.

KOWALSKI: Open up.

Fraser kicks the bathroom door in. Inside, the window is open and Jones is long gone.

I suppose you can do a lot of things when you're desperate, but that window doesn't look big enough to me for Jones to have got out through it.

Credits roll.

Paul Gross
Callum Keith Rennie
Beau Starr
Camilla Scott
Tony Craig | Tom Melissis
Ramona Milano
and Gordon Pinsent as Fraser Sr.

(plus Draco the dog)

Dean McDermott, Barbara Eve Harris, James Kidnie, John Hemphill, Frank Crudele, and Al Waxman as Van Zandt

Remember how four years ago Al Waxman was the bad guy on "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?" and Vecchio could tell it was probably him because he looked like That Actor, that is, hey-it's-that-guy?

Scene 4

Outside the delivery entrance to Van Zandt's, Jones's silhouette appears. He steps into the light, smoking a cigarette. It turns out his trousers don't match his jacket, and he's wearing saddle shoes. He knocks on the door and a couple of guys answer.

FIRST GUY: Well. Two-Tone Jones.
SECOND GUY: [pats him down] He's clean.
FIRST GUY: Come on. Nick's waiting.

They bring him inside.

Scene 5

A man in a suit, presumably Van Zandt, is dining alone in an empty, dimly lit restaurant. Someone brings a package and sets it on his table. Jones comes nervously into the dining room by himself.

JONES: Thanks for seeing me, Nick. I'm sure we'll be able to straighten out this misunderstanding. Me, testify against you? No way!
VAN ZANDT: [unwrapping the package, which is a gun] That's correct.

Outside, a man walking by in front of the place hears two gunshots.

Wonder where the other three guys—the two who let Jones in and the one who brought Van Zandt the gun—have got to.

Scene 6

Kowalski and Fraser are in the car.

KOWALSKI: Fraser, this makes no sense. Why would he go to Van Zandt's? He'd kill him.
FRASER: Well, I'll admit it's something of a long shot, but it is possible that Mr. Jones is looking to negotiate a deal.

They park up and get out of the car. Nearby, someone's engine is sputtering and not starting.

KOWALSKI: That phone cost me two hundred bucks.

The nearby car finally does get started. Fraser sees it as its tires squeal a bit and it pulls away. Sirens wail, and a sedan and a patrol car pull up.

FRASER: Well, I see we're not the only ones with this idea.
HANDLER: [getting out of the sedan] That's far enough, gentlemen. It is still my operation. [to her partner] Post some men around the back.
NECKTIE: All right. [He turns to the uniforms.] Take a couple round back.
HANDLER: [to Fraser and Kowalski] Your presence won't be necessary.
KOWALSKI: Oh, that's rich. They lose the witness, and our presence won't be necessary? Hmm. Love that.

This is the second phone Kowalski's lost in eight months, which is a bummer, I agree. What agency is Special Investigator Handler with?

The nearby car is a tan sedan with a cream-colored hard top; its license plate is, of [course],(https://fox.dreamwidth.org/1520149.html#cutid16) RCW 139.

Scene 7

Somewhere else, someone slams the door in the face of a man wearing an army-green beanie.

GREEN BEANIE: Oh, man, you've got to be kidding. [He goes to speak to his buddy, sitting in the driver's seat of a tan sedan with a cream-colored hard top.] He says that no one's even seen Digger for a couple of days.
DRIVER'S SEAT: Now what the hell we gonna do? [The car makes a noise.]
GREEN BEANIE: Aw, man. Will you look at this? [The noise was the trunk popping open, and what's in there is Jones, his saddle shoes showing under where he's been rolled up in a rug.] You gotta be kidding me!
DRIVER'S SEAT: [opening the door as Green Beanie tries to close the trunk again] How we supposed to get rid of a body without Digger?
GREEN BEANIE: I don't know. Just let me think a minute.

These guys are definitely not gravediggers, because they're upset that they can't get hold of their friend who is called Digger, but there's definitely a Shakespearean-gravedigger vibe about them, innit?

Scene 8

At the 27th precinct, Welsh is mad. He's stalking through the hallway and into the squad room, where Francesca is looking into the middle distance, fidgeting with a pencil.

WELSH: Oh, yeah! The excrement is just about to hit the air conditioning. The officers who raided Van Zandt's restaurant did not come up with any evidence that Jones was there. Pass these out. The State's Attorney's Office has lost their star witness the night before he was supposed to testify. Now, they lost him. It's our job to find him. [The phone's been ringing for a minute. Welsh taps it.] Ms. Vecchio.
FRANCESCA: Oh. [snapping out of it, answering the phone] Bruno's Fine Meats. Ah — squad room.
WELSH: I expect the cars to keep a lookout for Jones. But I think the probabilities of him still being vertical are slim to none.
KOWALSKI: Stupid bastard.
FRANCESCA: Hey, Ray, where's Fraser?
KOWALSKI: Hmm, let me think. He's right there! [He is in fact right there in front of her.]
FRANCESCA: Oh, right.
WELSH: Dutch! Fill me in on this Johnson case.
DUTCH: I went by his crib, but he was already in the wind. Slipped with his two shorties and his main squeeze. I'm vibing that he plays for the boy. [As Dutch and Welsh walk by, Fraser doesn't understand a word of this.]
WELSH: Okay, stay on it. It's an important case.
FRASER: Ray, do you recall that car we saw last night at Van Zandt's restaurant?
KOWALSKI: It's a large city, Fraser. We pass a lot of cars.
FRASER: Well, this car was particularly —

They leave the squad room, passing the desk sergeant on her way in with a bouquet of flowers. She brings them to Francesca with a very motherly look on her face.

DESK SERGEANT: These just arrived for you.
FRANCESCA: Oh. Thanks. [She looks uncomfortable.]
DESK SERGEANT: So who are they from?
FRANCESCA: Oh, they're just — ah, from, um, somebody I, ah — well, nobody really knows I know him, you know? [The desk sergeant starts to do an "oooh" face.] It's not because I'm ashamed, 'cause I'm, I'm not. He's actually very, very handsome, and — gorgeous, actually, is what he is. Ah, it's just that I, I, I kinda liked someone before, um, and I just can't even believe that I liked this person, because — [She laughs a little hysterically.] — I am so not interested in this person anymore. As a matter of fact, I just, I think, I have to go to the bathroom.

She flees. Diefenbaker takes the flowers. Fraser and Kowalski come back around, having walked in a circle.

FRASER: The car I'm referring to, Ray, is a bronze nineteen-eighty-four LTD Crown Victoria with bodyfiller over the wheel well, mismatching snow tires, R-C-W-one-three-nine, stalled at the intersection. Now, it was reported stolen two hours ago.
KOWALSKI: What does this have to do with anything?
FRASER: It could be a coincidence, I suppose. Could be.

Kowalski follows him out.

Francesca is, surprising nobody, still hung up on Fraser. But someone else is sending her flowers. Does she wish they wouldn't?

Scene 9

Fraser and Kowalski and Diefenbaker are at a back alley auto shop.

GREEN BEANIE: No, no, no, it was actually stolen last night. I just, just didn't notice it until this morning.
FRASER: Excuse me. It's probably just me, but if you only noticed the car missing three hours ago, how can you be sure it was stolen last night?
GREEN BEANIE: Heh. Right, right. The thing is, I, ah, I was going to go out to the store late last night for some milk and, ah, cookies, but I, you know, I just — I didn't, the car wasn't there, you know? I just, I don't remember. I remember now, but I just, you know, I didn't notice it at the time.
KOWALSKI: Didn't think of it at the time. What are you saying, so the car somehow, ah, lost its molecular integrity?
GREEN BEANIE: No, I just, you know, I didn't see the car, so I figured, well — maybe somebody borrowed it.
KOWALSKI: Isn't the truth of the matter you used the vehicle this morning in the commission of a felonious act, and now you've only reported it stolen to absolve yourself of any responsibility or connection to said vehicle?
GREEN BEANIE: What?
FRASER: That's a — a beautiful paragraph.
KOWALSKI: Thank you.

Tires squeal. The Crown Vic in question comes fishtailing down the alley.

FRASER: That's the car. [He and Diefenbaker run to meet it.]
KOWALSKI: Hey! [He grabs Green Beanie before he can run off and handcuffs him to the car they were all standing next to.]
GREEN BEANIE: Is that completely necessary?
KOWALSKI: Imperative.

The Crown Vic stalls before Fraser can reach it. The driver gets it started again and throws it in reverse, backing into a dumpster. It stalls again; he gets it started again and wheels away from Fraser. This time he crashes into another car.

DRIVER'S SEAT: Oh, jeez!
KOWALSKI: [throws the door open and yanks the guy out] Public service announcement, please buckle up for safety. Out of the car. Come on. Fraser, I'm out of cuffs.
FRASER: Dief. Watch him. [Diefenbaker hops up on the roof of the car and barks. Fraser goes to look in the trunk. There are a couple of furniture blankets in there. Fraser touches something and smells his fingers.] Carnauba wax. And I think these minute specks will likely prove to be blood.
DRIVER'S SEAT: I've never seen him before in my life.
KOWALSKI: Who?
DRIVER'S SEAT: I don't know.

I wish Fraser weren't as surprised and impressed as (let's be honest) we are when Kowalski busts out multisyllabic words and complete sentences with no hemming and hawing in them. Dude's a capable police detective, as we've seen before.

Carnauba wax is a common ingredient in shoe polish, which I assume is why Fraser is interested to discover it in the trunk of the Crown Vic; Two-Tone Jones was that dapper.

Scene 10

Back at the station.

WELSH: Lab boys can't promise us anything on the blood for at least twenty-four hours.
KOWALSKI: Great.
HANDLER: Well, we found the gun in Van Zandt driver's room. Recently fired.
FRASER: If we can match that gun to a bullet from Mr. Jones's body, then you should be able to convince the chauffeur to testify against Mr. Van Zandt.
HANDLER: That's right. So we've got to get those two rocket scientists you brought in to cough up the bodies.
KOWALSKI: Hang on a second. Where's your buddy?
HANDLER: He's working on them now.
KOWALSKI: Working on them? That's my collar! My collar!
HANDLER: Hey —
WELSH: Settle down, Detective.
HANDLER: — you can handle the interrogation, but I want everything. Every word.
FRASER: Understood. Ray?

Kowalski glares at Handler and then follows Fraser out of Welsh's office.

Scene 11

In the holding cell, the white guy with the tie Diefenbaker was chewing on is holding court.

NECKTIE: Look, Van Zandt is implicated in the disappearance and presumed murder of at least nine men over the last two years! Now, what the hell's he doing with the bodies, huh? You're going to talk! I can throw you back in the general population and spread the word that you ratted out Van Zandt. How long do you think you're going to last? A day? An hour, maybe? How long?
KOWALSKI: All right, that's it, beat it.
NECKTIE: What?
FRASER: Ray —
KOWALSKI: You want me to open up a can of whoop-ass on you?
FRASER: — Ray, please. This is just a jurisdictional issue. [He guides Necktie out the door—] I'm sure it can be sorted out with an appropriate dispute resolution mechanism, much like the recent Canadian softwood lumber dispute. [—and unceremoniously shuts it behind him.]
KOWALSKI: You guys okay? Want a soda or something?
GREEN BEANIE: Yeah.
DRIVER'S SEAT: Sodas would be great.
KOWALSKI: Yeah? [turns to the uniformed cop watching the holding cell] Um, Miller, can you get these guys a soda? Don't, don't give me that look. Um, and let them go to the can, and bring them to one and two. Thanks.

Kowalski and Fraser smile at the guys.

Kowalski as Good Cop, here we go.

Scene 12

On his way to the vending machines, Miller passes Francesca at her desk on the phone.

FRANCESCA: No, Atlantic City's good.
MAN ON FRANCESCA'S PHONE: Atlantic City —
FRANCESCA: No, really, it's, it's good, I, I love nature.
MAN ON FRANCESCA'S PHONE: Ja komm, ich nicht rauf was Sie sagen.
FRANCESCA: Yeah — [sees Welsh coming out of his office] — um, listen, I have to go.
MAN ON FRANCESCA'S PHONE: Ich kann keine Englisch.
FRANCESCA: Me too. Bye. [She gets up from her desk and hands Welsh a printout as he and Handler go by.]
WELSH: Blood in the car was type O-positive.
HANDLER: Two-Tone Jones is O-positive. [They drop the printout on Francesca's desk and rush off.]
FRASER: [picking up the printout] Unfortunately, so are one million nine hundred and forty thousand other people in the greater Chicago area.

Francesca sits back down at her desk, looking nervously at Fraser. He smiles pleasantly and biffs off, but three steps later he realizes that as soon as he turned his back she started to cry. He doesn't know what to do with this information.

Okay, Francesca is making plans to go to Atlantic City with someone who doesn't speak English?

Scene 13

Kowalski is in interview 1 with Green Beanie.

GREEN BEANIE: Look, I can't say anything, okay? I can't. It's a personal safety issue.
KOWALSKI: Look, I understand that. All I'm saying is, you give me something that I can verify independently, you know, then you don't have to get involved in this. And I'll put the word out on the street that you were the toughest hard case I ever had the displeasure of dealing with.
GREEN BEANIE: Really?
KOWALSKI: Absolutely. I burnt you with cigarettes, I, ah, beat you with phone books, I punctured your spleen with an ice pick. You never cracked once.
GREEN BEANIE: I don't know nothing. I'm sorry.
KOWALSKI: Ira, I don't think you're doing yourself any favors here.
GREEN BEANIE (IRA): Yeah. Yeah.

Scene 14

Fraser is in interview 2 with Driver's Seat.

FRASER: I see you hurt your fingers.
DRIVER'S SEAT: Yeah. I, ah, I burned 'em with a cutting torch. At work.
FRASER: [hands him a tin of salve] You should rub some of this on. It'll help to prevent blistering.
DRIVER'S SEAT: Ah, thanks.
FRASER: It's lichen and elk horn in a base of sea cucumber. I've often used it myself when I've had — well, when I've hurt my fingers. Ice burns. One time I'd fallen in a crevasse while I was pursuing a rogue taxidermist across a glacial field.
DRIVER'S SEAT: Whoa!
FRASER: Yeah. I'd lost my gloves. I had to pull myself up six hundred feet using only my bare hands.

Francesca comes in without knocking.

FRANCESCA: Fraser, we have to talk.
FRASER: Francesca, this is something of an awkward time.
DRIVER'S SEAT: Ah, no, you should, ah, you should never put work before relationships. That's, you know, that's what, that's what's wrong with the world today.
FRANCESCA: Yeah, he's right, Fraser. You know, sometimes we get so caught up in our jobs that, ah — well, we forget the things that are really important.
DRIVER'S SEAT: She's right.
FRANCESCA: Thank you. Or maybe we just, we're just afraid to say what we really feel for, ah — for lots of different reasons.
DRIVER'S SEAT: Fear of rejection.
FRANCESCA: Okay, shut up. [to Fraser] Can you step outside?
FRASER: Um, excuse me.
DRIVER'S SEAT: Okay.

Fraser steps out into the hallway with Francesca. She stands him against the wall and pulls herself together, pacing a bit, having trouble looking at him.

FRANCESCA: Ah — Fraser, um, this isn't going to work between us.
FRASER: [eyebrows up] It isn't?
FRANCESCA: Well, no. How could it?
FRASER: Well, I'm, I'm not sure what —
FRANCESCA: Fraser, Fraser — please — please don't beg. Okay? I don't want, I don't want to remember you this way.
FRASER: Francesca, I'm not — I'm a little —
FRANCESCA: Fraser, you have to face the wall.
FRASER: All right. [He turns around and looks at the wall.]
FRANCESCA: [pacing] Look, I, I — I understand that — you know, this, this may come as, as a bit of a shock. [finally looks back at him again] No — Fraser! [She turns him around to face her.] The wall — you have to face the wall of reality.
FRASER: Oh! [He points over his shoulder to the literal wall.] Ha!
FRANCESCA: I'm getting married.
FRASER: [eyebrows up again] You're getting married?
FRANCESCA: Yeah. Look, I, I know this is a bit of a shock, and, and you're probably a little — shocked. But, ah — take heart, okay? 'Cause I, I'm sure that one day, you're going to meet someone, and, and she's probably going to be a — a, a mountain climber, or, or a, a snowmobile repair person, and you're going to be happy, too! You know, I mean, for my part, it's not going to be that easy, because ours is going to be a mixed marriage. I'm Catholic, and he's, ah — he's, he's one of those other religions. So. Well, I, I hope we can still be friends. [She holds out her hand to shake.]
FRASER: Oh, yes, of course. [He shakes her hand.] I'm very happy for you. It's, it's wonderful news.
FRANCESCA: Good. Oh, God!

She bursts into tears and runs off. Fraser has no real idea what has just happened. He goes back into the interview room.

How, if at all, could Fraser ever have made it clear to Francesca that there has never (or practically never) been any "this" to work out or not work out between them? I feel like even if his question had been "What isn't going to work out between us?" rather than "It isn't?" she'd have charged ahead anyway, determined to understand things in her own way despite what's obvious to literally everyone else in her world and ours. But hey, here's Francesca working hard to convince herself, I guess, that Fraser's not the guy for her (or that she's not the woman for him) (or both). "She's going to be a mountain climber or a snowmobile repair person" is sweet. Only she seems not to be happy about the fact that she's (apparently) getting married; no wonder Fraser is stumped.

And "I'm Catholic and he's one of those other religions" is hilarious. (If she's marrying the guy who was speaking German on her phone, he's probably Lutheran, right?)

Listen, though. We saw Francesca in "Dr. Longball" and "Easy Money" but not in "The Ladies' Man," and then we did see her in "Mojo Rising," and in that episode as here she's wearing more layers than usual—an overshirt, a stylish vest—and looking a little, if I'm not mistaken, fleshier in the face. This is a woman who is built slightly enough that a gain of a couple of pounds represents a much larger percentage of her body weight than of, for example, mine; but I'm also going to conclude Milano was pregnant at the time. (IMDb concurs, a little nonspecifically.) Which isn't strictly relevant, except that Francesca is apparently engaged to be married to someone nobody has ever heard of before or even knew she was seeing (including, as recently as last week when she was taking up Vodoun to try to break Mama Lalla's curse on the precinct, Francesca herself), whose language she doesn't speak and whose religion she can't name. It would make so much more sense to me if they had used the fact that the actress was pregnant to have this engagement-out-of-nowhere come out of somewhere. If, for example, Francesca—although she's a grown woman who has been married before and can make her own decisions—might as at least a Christmas-and-Easter Catholic find that she feels like single motherhood may be a step further than she wants to take her independence. I don't know! I'm not Catholic at all. I'm just saying allowing the character to be pregnant at the same time as the actress could have motivated some of her choices and behaviors in some way that otherwise seemed to have come one hundred percent from left field.

Scene 15

Fraser and Kowalski are in the car.

KOWALSKI: Francesca's getting married? Who'd marry that?
FRASER: Ray, Francesca's a delightful, attractive, intelligent young woman.
KOWALSKI: I know, Fraser, but you're talking every day.
FRASER: Anh, true enough. [He reads a truck as it drives by.] Eskimo Shipping.
KOWALSKI: So you think the body's here?
FRASER: Well, Vince worked here a year ago, and Mr. Van Zandt is a partner in the business.
KOWALSKI: So I guess if you had a body you'd have to keep it on ice, 'cause it'd be getting pretty funky about now.
FRASER: Well, shall we? [They get out of the car.] Dief, care to join us? [Diefenbaker does join them.]
KOWALSKI: Eskimo Shipping. That's funny, 'cause when I was a kid, we had these Eskimo Pies.
FRASER: You know, Ray, the term "Eskimo" itself is sort of derogatory. It's kind of like the tomahawk chop of the Atlanta Braves fans or Chief Wahoo of the Cleveland Indians.
KOWALSKI: You know not what you speak, 'cause Chief Wahoo is a cartoon. [Sirens wail. Handler's car rolls up with three patrol cars.] Ah, come on, this is getting ridiculous.
HANDLER: [hops out of her car] I'll take it from here, Vecchio.
NECKTIE: She's a bit of a control freak. Sorry.
KOWALSKI: Maybe you can get the sirens turned up so people in Pittsburgh can hear you coming.
NECKTIE: I'll run that by her.

Handler and Necktie and everybody go inside Eskimo Shipping. Fraser and Kowalski head back to the car. One employee watches them go.

I am not Indigenous myself, so I'd certainly defer to those who are on the subject, but my understanding is that "Eskimo" is used by some and dispreferred by (and offensive to) others, so it's not quite the same as the tomahawk chop or Chief Wahoo (or the former name of the football team here in Our Nation's Capital, to say nothing of the many other professional, college, and high school teams that are named for specific tribes but may feel it's okay if they don't specifically use slurs to do it). In any event, Fraser didn't ding Ray Vecchio for his use of "Eskimo," but we've seen him learn things while he's been living in Chicago (e.g., "Zaire" one week and "Democratic Republic of the Congo" the next), so.

Anyway, I'm pleased to report that following the 2021 season, the Cleveland baseball team changed its name from Indians to Guardians, and Chief Wahoo—who was a cartoon, but more relevantly, a caricature—is no more.

Scene 16

Inside Eskimo Shipping, Handler is waiting for her crew to search the place.

NECKTIE: Nothing. Everything's clean.
HANDLER: All right. We're going to stop and search every one of their trucks.

Van Zandt comes along with a henchman.

VAN ZANDT: Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing on my property? Huh? This is police harassment, Arthur, you sue these bastards!
ARTHUR: I'm on it, Nicholas, I'm on it. [He dials on his cell phone.]
HANDLER: Every truck, understood?
NECKTIE: Understood. [They head off to begin searching every truck.]
VAN ZANDT: You're finished!
ARTHUR: All right, Nicholas, Nicholas —
VAN ZANDT: You're finished! When I get through with you!
ARTHUR: — shh — please — yeah, this is Arthur Vole, attorney to Nicholas Van Zandt.
VAN ZANDT: Huh? How do you come onto my property without a warrant? You got a warrant?
ARTHUR: [making sure Handler and Necktie can hear him as they go] Yes, I'd like to see Judge Gorman in his chambers as soon as possible. I'm going to put an end to this police harassment of this innocent man at once.
VAN ZANDT: That's right!
ARTHUR: [now that Handler and Necktie are gone] Hello? Yes, we're on our way. All right, thanks. [He hangs up the phone.] Let's go, Nick.
VAN ZANDT: [to another henchman as they go by] You find Digger! I don't care if his mother's on an iron lung. You drag him away from the deathbed —
ARTHUR: Nicholas —
VAN ZANDT: — and you get him over to that funeral home, you hear me?
ARTHUR: — Nicholas, listen to me! Listen to me. As your attorney, I can't hear this!
VAN ZANDT: So put your hands over your ears, counselor! [Arthur rolls his eyes, covers his ears, walks away.] What the hell am I supposed to do with Jones's body, huh? Use it for a paperweight? If Digger isn't at the funeral home to take care of Jones's body, there's going to be somebody at the funeral home to take care of his. You hear me? [He stomps off, collecting Arthur as he goes by.] Come on! What are standing there like an idiot with your hands over your ears, for God's sake! Come on!

Outside, the employee who watched Fraser and Kowalski leave puts Jones's body in the trunk of a softtop convertible and drives off. He passes by a couple of uniformed cops waiting for someone to open the back of one of the trucks. Later, a softtop convertible drives up to Benjamin & Sons Funeral Home, where someone opens a garage door and the car backs in.

The car that drove off had the rear license plate LGB 648 and the one that arrived at the funeral home had the front license plate ZYZ 364, but I feel like we're supposed to think they're the same car? Which just seems unusually sloppy for the props department, doesn't it?

Scene 17

Welsh is in the police station hallway talking to his staff.

WELSH: Anything on those refrigerator trucks?
DEWEY: Nothing. You wanna know something? Dead cows are disgusting!
HUEY: Maybe you should go vegetarian.
DEWEY: I'd rather eat the truck.
HANDLER: [coming the other way] He got it! Sonofabitch! I can't believe it! Judge Gorman granted Van Zandt the injunction. I can't even go near the man till after the trial.
WELSH: If we don't find the body pretty quick, it's going to be a short trial.
FRASER: It strikes me that someone as meticulous as Mr. Van Zandt couldn't have disposed of nine bodies in a haphazard manner. He must have had some kind of disposal system.
WELSH: Good so far, but do you have any idea what kind of system?
DEWEY: Hey! Why don't we just whale on those two morons we got downstairs?
KOWALSKI: Forget about it. They just lawyered up big time. Joel Flatman, I believe. He works for Arthur Vole. Van Zandt's lawyer.
WELSH: He's rubbing our noses in it! Does Van Zandt still operate out of a restaurant on Dupont?
DEWEY: Oh, yeah, the focaccia bread's fantastic there. You know, they use a tiny daub of nut vinegar or something — [Everyone glares at him and he shuts up.]
WELSH: I want somebody in there twenty-four hours a day. I want photos of everybody who comes in and goes out.
HUEY: Whoa, whoa, you're talking hundreds of people here. Van Zandt's is a very happening spot.
DEWEY: Their lunches. You know, reasonably priced, large portions.
WELSH: We need someone on the inside. Detective Vecchio!
KOWALSKI: Yes, sir.
WELSH: Pick someone as a cover.
FRANCESCA: I'll do it.
WELSH: Ms. Vecchio, this is police work, it could be dangerous.
FRANCESCA: Well, I want to do it.
FRASER: Francesca, the lieutenant's right.
FRANCESCA: Shut up, Fraser!
FRASER: As you wish.
WELSH: You're getting married.
FRANCESCA: Well, then, call it a wedding present, okay? Let's go, Ray. I can buy.

She strides off. Fraser is puzzled and concerned.

I don't see why the fact that she's getting married is a more relevant reason for Francesca not to go on this assignment than the fact that she's a civilian.

Scene 18

Huey is sitting in a van outside Van Zandt's taking pictures. Dewey comes out with food, gets in the passenger side, and hands one bundle to Huey.

DEWEY: Ah. Smells good, huh?
HUEY: I can't believe that you're doing this.
DEWEY: I always get takeout from them. They'd get suspicious if I didn't.
HUEY: Hmm. It does smell good.
DEWEY: Told you.
HUEY: See Vecchio in there?
DEWEY: Yeah. They're along the aisle.

They start eating.

They're eating cold sandwiches, which I don't see how those would have any particular smell—good or otherwise—and the place says right on the door that it's a fish market restaurant, but whatever.

Scene 19

Inside, the place is packed. Kowalski is sitting across a two-top from Francesca, who is wearing sunglasses.

KOWALSKI: Anything?
FRANCESCA: Huh?
KOWALSKI: Anything?
FRANCESCA: [looking at her menu] I don't know. I don't know if I should have the salad, if I should have something big —
KOWALSKI: No, no. See anything?
FRANCESCA: Oh! No. No. [She leans over the table a little.] Let me ask you something. How could someone be so smart, how — [Fraser is at the table behind them. He peeks over his menu.] — how can a person know something so useless, like how much a pound of nails weighs on Pluto, but they have no idea what's going on under their own noses?
KOWALSKI: Noses?
FRANCESCA: Nose.
KOWALSKI: We talking about Fraser here?
FRANCESCA: Fraser! [She laughs a little too much. Fraser ducks behind his menu.] No. That's ridiculous. See how funny that is? No, I have, I have no interest in Fraser.
WAITER: Have you decided?
KOWALSKI: Um — [Fraser looks over the top of his menu again.] — I'm having trouble deciding between the Tie Domi and the Teemu Selänne.
WAITER: The Esa Tikkanen is fresh.
KOWALSKI: Esa Tikkanen's fresh. Okay.
FRANCESCA: Yeah, I'll have the Es— Es, um — give me the same. [The waiter goes away. Francesca looks over the top of her sunglasses at someone coming in. Fraser is looking over his shoulder also.] Hey, I think there's some guy that knows you.

It is the employee from the shipping company. As he passes by the table behind Kowalski and Francesca's, Fraser, in mufti, waylays him.

FRASER: Sir, excuse me. I wonder if you could help me. Is the Pavel Bure steamed or baked?
EMPLOYEE: Ah, it's, ah, a roasted saddle of salmon, with, um, those, those petites lardons over four.
FRASER: Oh, it sounds delicious.
EMPLOYEE: Yeah, well, well, it's not.

He turns back to Kowalski and Francesca's table, but they've vanished. He looks all around and doesn't see them. He's mad.

Do Francesca and Kowalski know that Fraser is at the next table? It's hard to tell if she's glaring at Fraser when she's asking Kowalski about how someone can be so smart and also so stupid. Also hard to tell if he can hear her, although previous canon would suggest that from that distance of course he can.

Every dish in this scene—Tie Domi, Teemu Selänne, Esa Tikkanen, Pavel Bure—is named after a hockey player. I don't know what to do about that. I also don't know what part of a fish you'd call a saddle. Is it a sort of double filet? Like, a butterflied whole fish? (I mean you wouldn't serve one person a whole salmon. But a saddle of meat from a mammal is the loin from both sides of the spine, so I assume a saddle of salmon involves the same, even though usually it's split into sides?) Petits lardons are little cubes of salted pork belly, so maybe this saddle of salmon was seared in the hot pork fat before roasting and the crispy browned bits thrown on it as a garnish after? I don't know what "over four" means in this context; au four would mean "roasted," which the guy already said, but maybe he meant "for four," which is a more reasonable number of people to serve with a whole salmon?

Basically I'm puzzled by the menu at this restaurant on a number of levels.

Scene 20

Back at the squad room, Fraser is waiting at Welsh's office door for Kowalski (juggling a whole stack of pictures) and Diefenbaker.

WELSH: Come on, Detective, let's see those photos!
KOWALSKI: You know how much a pound of nails weighs on Pluto?
FRASER: Well, of course, Ray. It's the same as a pound of cheese. Six-point-four ounces.
KOWALSKI: Okay, okay, but, ah, you know what's right under your nose? [They go into the office and Kowalski gives Welsh the pictures. Huey and Dewey are there as well.] Read 'em and weep.
WELSH: Oh, good. [The picture on top of the stack is of Dewey.] Oh, this is sweet. Perhaps later we'll have a little seminar on surveillance techniques and procedures.
DEWEY: I can't believe you took that picture.
HUEY: [laughing] He said everybody.
DEWEY: No, he didn't say everybody.
HUEY: Yes, he did.
WELSH: All right, look, we'll separate them out. Put the normal citizens on the left, connected goombahs on the right. Okay? [They all grab photos and start sorting.]
KOWALSKI: Hey, here's Little Moe Angelo. I thought he was in Joliet. Maybe he's connected.
DEWEY: Oh, look at this. Tony Orlando.
FRASER: You think the singer is involved?
DEWEY: Watch your mouth, Fraser.
KOWALSKI: [sorting] Goombah.
WELSH: Let's get to work, see what we come up with.
KOWALSKI: [sorting] Goombah.
DEWEY: This could take weeks.
WELSH: [sorting] Goombah.
KOWALSKI: [having an idea] Maybe not.

Cal Tech says the surface gravity on Pluto is ¹⁄₁₂ the surface gravity on Earth (8.333. . .%). So a thing that weighs one pound on Earth, 16 oz., weighs ¹⁶⁄₁₂ oz. on Pluto, that is, 1⅓ oz. Other internet sources say an object's weight on Pluto is even less, about 5.9% or 6% of its weight on Earth, which would mean a pound of nails or cheese would weigh just .95 oz. (I suppose a pound of gold would weigh one troy ounce on Pluto, because there are 12 troy ounces in a troy pound, each of which is a hair heavier than an avoirdupois, that is, a normal, ounce.) I don't know from where Fraser is getting 6.4 ounces—or why he's speaking in standard or imperial measurements at all—but that represents 40% of the pound's weight on earth, which is pretty close to its weight on Mercury or Mars, but not Pluto.

Tony Orlando started in doo-wop and hit it big with Tony Orlando and Dawn in the 1970s.

Scene 21

A couple of uniforms chuck a big, angry dude into the holding cell next to Ira Green Beanie and Vince Driver's Seat.

BIG ANGRY DUDE: Hey, you're the guys that ratted out Van Zandt.
DRIVER'S SEAT (VINCE): Who's Van Zandt?
BIG ANGRY DUDE: Oh, yes, you are. You'll be two stoolies, man. When I get hold of you I'm going to rip your head off. You're dead meat!
IRA: I don't have to put up with this. Guard — [As he's on his way to the front of the cell to call for the guard, the Big Angry Dude grabs him through the bars in their wall.] — hey! Hey, there's a freak in here! Get him off me! [Kowalski, Fraser, and two uniforms come in; Kowalski and the two officers pull the Big Angry Dude off Ira.] Get him off me!
KOWALSKI: Come on!
BIG ANGRY DUDE: Police brutality!
UNIFORM: Shut up. [The two uniforms drag the Big Angry Dude out. Fraser and Kowalski close the door behind them.]
VINCE: Guy's crazy!
IRA: Yeah, that's going to happen to us everyday.
FRASER: You know, gentlemen, I certainly don't want to impose my feelings here, or my thoughts. In fact, I think that most people are entitled to make their own decisions, indeed make their own mistakes, but, um, — [He looks at the door.]
KOWALSKI: [prompting him] However, if your thoughts are running —
FRASER: [nods] However, if your thoughts are running in the direction of police protection, I can assure you that the Chicago Police Department has an excellent plan with many, um —
KOWALSKI: Side benefits.
FRASER: [nods again, a little annoyed] — side benefits.
IRA: Thanks.

What are the odds Fraser actually needs Kowalski's help to remember his lines here in this Clever Ruse they're perpetrating on these two schmucks?

In other news, Fraser is wearing an olive green sweater under his brown leather jacket, and it's good, but not as good on him as the cream and cooler blue shades he's worn at other times. (Have there been more than two blue sweaters? I can only remember the ones in "The Wild Bunch" and "Bounty Hunter," though they've dressed him in off-white several times ("An Eye for an Eye;" "Mountie on the Bounty part 1;" "Pilot," the original and best).) I was surprised I couldn't find more examples from the post-Vecchio oeuvres until I remembered there have only been half as many episodes since Vecchio split as before and Fraser is mainly wall-to-wall red uniform anymore.

Scene 22

Ira and Vince are looking at pictures back at Kowalski's desk.

VINCE: Ah, now he's back in town.
IRA: Yeah.
KOWALSKI: Who's he?
VINCE: Tommy Gallant. They, they call him Digger. He works at the funeral home that Van Zandt's got a piece of over on, ah, Fourth?
IRA: Yeah, Fourth. [He looks away and happens to see the Big Violent Dude putting a holster back on, because the Big Violent Dude is a cop who was playing a part, surprise, surprise.] Oh, man. We ratted out Van Zandt, and now we're dead. We're dead men. You tricked us!

Of course they did trick them, and Fraser doesn't feel great about it.

Scene 23

Francesca comes out of the squad room. Fraser, back in uniform, is sitting on the bench in the hallway talking to Diefenbaker.

FRASER: You know, my grandmother always said nothing good can come of a lie. [Diefenbaker grumbles.] Perhaps she was right. Yes, justice was served, but at what price? [Diefenbaker grumbles and whimpers.] You can't be serious. [Diefenbaker grumbles again.]
FRANCESCA: [comes over and sits down next to Fraser] Hi, Frase.
FRASER: Francesca.
FRANCESCA: Do you need to talk?
FRASER: Ah, that, that might be helpful.
FRANCESCA: Okay.
FRASER: [as if he were speaking to a priest in a confessional; full of shame and guilt] I, uh. I lied. To someone. And at the time I thought it was for their own good, but of course who's to judge what is good for another?
FRANCESCA: Well, um, perhaps it's time for you to tell that person how you really feel.
FRASER: Oh, I think it's gone beyond what I feel.
FRANCESCA: Oh, no, Fraser, it's — it's never too late to go back.
FRASER: Even if there's jeopardy involved?
FRANCESCA: Especially if. [She comes around to crouch in front of him.] Just say what you really feel, Benton.
FRASER: I lied.
FRANCESCA: [smug] I knew it.
FRASER: And it might serve justice —
FRANCESCA: Justice?
FRASER: [nods] — but it will compromise the lives of two men.
FRANCESCA: [record scratch] Men? What the — [She stands up.] Men? I, I don't, I don't believe this. We're just, we're not even on the same page! [She's drawing some attention now.] You know, I used to always think that, that you were, like, this, this, this genius. Either that or some complete idiot! Now, I've just realized that you can't even see your nose and it's past your face! [He has no idea what she's on about, what is happening to her, why everyone in the hallway is staring at them.] Oh, oh, oh, yeah, oh, "honor," "duty." Yeah, what else can you hide behind, Fraser? You know, if you just, if you just can't get out of your little toy — kitty — life, well, just get out of your car!

She stomps off. A couple of the people assembled glare at him for a moment, but the crowd breaks up now that the show is over. Diefenbaker hops up onto the bench next to Fraser and yowls a little. Fraser nods.

FRASER: Maybe. Maybe.

The thing is that Fraser has not, as far as I can tell, been sending Francesca any signals, mixed or otherwise. So she's really off her nut. I feel like we'd be in a whole different place if her idea that her feelings for Fraser were reciprocated had any basis in any kind of reality. Of course if Francesca were pregnant, that could explain a small number of emotional outbursts; not that pregnant women always act crazy, but while I'm neither Catholic nor Indigenous I have been pregnant and I'm here to tell you it can indeed make all the feelings you were already having feel a little closer to the surface, a little bigger. So it's not like Francesca's ideas about Fraser would make sense if she were pregnant, but her yelling in the hallway might be a little less mysterious.

I'm so interested in the fact that Fraser didn't change back into his uniform as soon as he got back to the station but waited until after they'd lied to Ira and Vince.

Scene 24

Fraser and Kowalski are walking in the hallway later with Welsh and Handler.

HANDLER: Jones is in a funeral home in a coffin under another body. Is that what you're telling me?
WELSH: Yep. It's perfectly possible that the body with the bullet is in the coffin with the cadaver.
KOWALSKI: That's fantastic! Where's the best place to hide a body? In a grave. This guy must have been doing this for years.
HANDLER: How are we going to find this other body? They got a judge on their side. No judge is going to grant us a warrant to go into a funeral home without just cause. We can't get just cause without going into the funeral home.
FRASER: Well, true, but if by some other means we were able to determine that the body was there, might we not be able to take that information to a judge?
HANDLER: Depends on the means.
KOWALSKI: Show, show 'em that thing.
FRASER: Right. I'll need a stethoscope —
WELSH: I left mine in my other suit.
FRASER: — I'll also need a place to lie down —
KOWALSKI: Yeah, I'll get you that.
FRASER: — and I will need the tetrodotoxin from the gland secretions of a bouga toad.

He has a croaking toad in his hand.

That's too small to be a bouga toad, but whatever, apparently what Diefenbaker was saying was "Hey, remember Jerome?"

Welsh has made an offhand and unremarked-upon reference to [The Court Jester](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Court_Jester) (1955), in which the immortal Danny Kaye (and Glynnis Johns! and Mildred Natwick as Griselda) does "the pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle, but the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true" for five minutes.

Scene 25

The desk sergeant is distributing copies of a memo. She hears Handler from inside the morgue.

HANDLER: He looks dead all right.

The desk sergeant goes into the morgue. Kowalski and Handler turn around to try to block her view, but she can clearly see that Fraser is lying behind them, tunicless, on an exam table.

DESK SERGEANT: Oh my God!
WELSH: It's all right, Sergeant.

Handler shines a light in Fraser's eyes. He just lies there, of course. She feels for his pulse.

KOWALSKI: Okay, Fraser, come on, let's go. [He snaps his fingers in Fraser's face. No reaction.] Come on, let's go! Hey! [He claps his hands a couple of times.] Fraser, you're freaking me out! Come on!

Finally, Fraser blinks and opens his eyes. After a moment he sits up and presses his fingers to his forehead.

FRASER: Wow, I was pretty far under. I could hear you, Ray, but as though from the bottom of a deep well.
DESK SERGEANT: What is going on?
HANDLER: [shoves her out into the hallway] Nothing you've seen here leaves this room. [comes back in and turns to Fraser] How'd you do that?
FRASER: [still a little sluggish] Well, with the secretions from the bouga toad, you can control the impulses to the autonomic nervous system, and you can slow the EEG and ECG waves till they're virtually undetectable.
HANDLER: So you can go into this trance on command?
FRASER: Well, not exactly, no. It takes about fifteen minutes to go under and fifteen minutes to come out.
HANDLER: How long can you stay under?
FRASER: Ah, once, in a lean-to on the shores of the Nahanni, I was under for exactly thirty-six hours.
KOWALSKI: Then what happened?
FRASER: Well, then I had to — well —
HANDLER: You had to pee, Constable?
FRASER: Well, yes. I had consumed roughly the equivalent of a dugout canoe's worth of bark tea.

Hey, remember the Nahanni River?

And he could hold it for 36 hours? He wouldn't have just peed in his sleep? . . . I guess it's not really sleep. Still, though.

Special Investigator Handler has obviously never met this desk sergeant before if she thinks she can tell her to keep what she's seen to herself and that will work. I mean to say.

Scene 26

Fraser and Kowalski are at Kowalski's desk with Diefenbaker.

FRASER: Diefenbaker. Look at me. Now, no matter what you hear over the next couple of days, don't believe it. I will be all right. You must trust me on this. In the meantime, Ray will take care of you.
KOWALSKI: Hey, Dief, buddy! Come on. [Diefenbaker follows Francesca as she leaves her own desk.]
FRASER: Well, it would seem that he finds her even more attractive now that she's betrothed.
KOWALSKI: Huh.

It's not surprising that Kowalski is the default dogsitter, right?

Scene 27

Digger opens the garage door at the Benjamin and Sons funeral home. A hearse pulls up with Kowalski's GTO right behind it. A little later, Kowalski is pacing in the hallway when Digger beckons him from a room.

DIGGER: Mr. Vecchio. You can come in now. [Kowalski goes into the room. Fraser is laid out in a coffin in his formal dress uniform.] I added some body to the hair and some color to the cheeks. [He has indeed done this; Fraser's hair is floofy and his cheeks are oddly rouged.]
KOWALSKI: He looks good.
DIGGER: Thanks. [He sighs.] Young guy. It's too bad. What is that uniform? Is he an usher?
KOWALSKI: Doorman.
DIGGER: Oh.
KOWALSKI: One of the best.
DIGGER: Yes.
KOWALSKI: Yes.
DIGGER: Yes. Now, this is our Northumbria casket. You — you said I should pick one.
KOWALSKI: Yeah.
DIGGER: Now, this is slightly more expensive than our El Camino or our Fandango models, but you can feel here, it's got the extra padding.
KOWALSKI: [feeling the extra padding] Oh, yeah.
DIGGER: Yeah.
KOWALSKI: Gotta be comfortable. He's going to be there a while. [Both do phony laughs.] Yes.
DIGGER: Now, also, the Northumbria is absolutely airtight. [He closes the casket.] I thought, since we weren't embalming, it was more appropriate for, ah —
KOWALSKI: Longer shelf life. I hear you. But he's, ah, claustro— ah, was claustrophobic, so can we keep it open?
DIGGER: Yes, of course. [He opens the thing again.]
KOWALSKI: Thanks. [pretends to cry] Can I have a minute? Just —
DIGGER: Of course. [He leaves the room.]
KOWALSKI: Thank you. [When Digger is gone, he leans down over the casket.] Fraser? They're going to be closing up here in a, in a little while, so I got to go. Um, tell you the truth, I thought hospitals made me nervous, but this place — yikes. Okay, I'm babbling. Um. That, ah, rouge makes you look like a toy soldier! [He laughs awkwardly.] Um, okay, all right, I'll see you in the morning. Hey, if you find the body, uh, see if he's got my phone. [He waves his hands in Fraser's face. No reaction.] Weird.

Did the promos for this episode show Fraser in the casket with no explanation? Did people flip their shit? Once the episode reached this point did people go all the way off on the Sleeping Beauty of it all? (Or was it Snow White? Which is the one where the prince has to kiss the girl to wake her up? Is it both?)

Scene 28

Back at the squad room, Kowalski grabs his coat.

KOWALSKI: Okay, Diefenbaker, you're coming home with me. You can't stay here, let's go. [Diefenbaker grumbles and lies there next to the desk.] Yeah, I know, I know, I know, but. [Diefenbaker sits up and yips.] Now I'm having a conversation with the dog.

Diefenbaker barks. Kowalski gives him a little smile and walks away. Diefenbaker puts his chin back down on his paws and whimpers.

Aw, Diefenbaker. (Most of this short scene is in distorted black-and-white with subtitles, Diefenbaker POV.)

Scene 29

Fraser is lying in the casket at the funeral home. His consciousness rises up translucently out of his body. Music cue: "Rinse Myself Dry" by My Brilliant Beast (instrumental). He is in a dark place, wearing his regular red uniform with the lanyard and Sam Browne belt. As he walks away, we can see a long corridor at the end of which is a door with a porthole. A bright light is on the other side. Fraser comes back and looks down the corridor at the door and the light. He walks toward it. The light gets brighter as he gets closer.

BOB FRASER: [calling to him from a long way away] Where do you think you're going?
FRASER: Well, I thought I'd, ah —
BOB FRASER: You don't want that door. [His voice is very echoy.]
FRASER: I don't?
BOB FRASER: No, son. Over here on the left.

He turns, finds another door, and opens it. Bob Fraser is standing there in a birch grove up to his knees in the snow.

FRASER: What is this place?
BOB FRASER: The borderland. Just think of it as an existential demilitarized zone. Come on, let's go for a walk, I've got to tell you a few things. [Fraser steps out to join him.] First of all, being dead is not what it's cracked up to be.

I like this moody music. It has a frequent descending-chords figure that reminds me a lot of the bit of the Fellowship of the Ring soundtrack right after the Bilbo Baggins jump scare. Gives the same feeling of something mystical receding, though in this case it keeps coming back in waves.

Scene 30

Digger brings Van Zandt into the room where Fraser is lying in the casket.

VAN ZANDT: Who said that?
DIGGER: Said what?
VAN ZANDT: [looks around] Being dead's not all it's cracked up to be. Who said that?
DIGGER: I don't know. Maybe the stiff we're using. [points to Fraser]
VAN ZANDT: That's a funny one. Hey, this guy looks familiar.
DIGGER: He's a doorman.
VAN ZANDT: Oh yeah, right, yeah. Yeah, at the, the, the Cheltenham. Nice guy. Good with a door. So when's he going to get planted?
DIGGER: Brother wants him in the ground tomorrow.
VAN ZANDT: Never did like dead guys staring at me.

He closes the lid before they go.

Hard to deny Fraser is good with a door. Always has been. But let me ask this:

BROTHER?!

Yeah, right.

Scene 31

Later, Fraser's casket is empty. Digger and a colleague load what's left of Two-Tone Jones into the false bottom of the casket and then place the padded bottom and pillow on top of him. The colleague does a thumbs-up. They fetch Fraser from where they've leaned him against a wall and lay him back in the casket as Van Zandt comes in to supervise.

Those two guys picked Fraser up very easily. If he were really dead he'd probably have passed out of rigor by this point, wouldn't he? And yet he doesn't bend at the waist, which is handy for them. Also, apparently after he lay down but before he became unconscious he thoughtfully grabbed onto the outseam of his trousers so his arms wouldn't just flop down from the shoulder.

Scene 32

In the squad room, the desk sergeant is on the phone gossiping, of course.

DESK SERGEANT: So I'm doing the mail rounds, and I stop in at the morgue, and I see Constable Fraser — [Dewey goes by.] — yeah, he's the good-looking one. Anyway, there he is, laid out on a slab, dead. Well, I, I, I —
DEWEY: [coming back the other way] Hey, just a second, wait, wait a minute. What did you just say?
DESK SERGEANT: About what?
DEWEY: About Fraser.
DESK SERGEANT: [uncomfortable] Fraser who?
DEWEY: The guy you said was just dead. The guy in red.
DESK SERGEANT: I don't know what you're talking about. Ah, look, Nicky, it's self-basting, three-fifty, one hour, gotta go. [She hangs up.]
DEWEY: No, you —
DESK SERGEANT: I gotta go.

The desk sergeant flees. Dewey is flummoxed.

DEWEY: Jack, have you seen Fraser?
HUEY: Hmm, no. Why?
DEWEY: I think he might be dead! [Dutch hears this as he walks by.]
HUEY: Fraser?
DEWEY: Yeah.
HUEY: What are you talking about? How can he be dead?
BIG ANGRY DUDE: Who's dead?
DEWEY: Fraser.
BIG ANGRY DUDE: Dead?
DEWEY: Yeah.
HUEY: We don't know he's dead. [The Big Angry Dude immediately turns around to deliver this rumor to others. You can see the news traveling fast.]
DEWEY: Well, have you seen him around here lately?
HUEY: I haven't seen Chelsea Clinton around here, but I'm pretty sure she's not dead!
DEWEY: I've got a bad feeling about this, Jack.
HUEY: Vecchio would know. Have any of you guys seen Vecchio? [No one has. He and Dewey head over to Kowalski's desk.]
DEWEY: This is a pigsty. [He picks up a notepad and squints at it under the light.]
HUEY: Let me see that.
DEWEY: What, you're some kind of junior G-man now?
HUEY: [doing a pencil rubbing on the notepad] Benjamin and Son Funeral Home. [in disbelief] He can't be dead.

This desk sergeant has spoken to Nicky about cooking poultry before, but at that time I think it was legit and this time it's obviously what she's falling back on pretending she was talking about the whole time. She's a gossipmonger, but I think I like her.

Chelsea Clinton—I keep having to remind myself how long ago 1998 was and how much might not be obvious to today's viewers—was, indeed still is, the daughter of Bill and Hillary Rodham Clinton, the former of whom was president of the United States at the time. She'd have been about 18 and was allowed, as I remember, more or less to live her own life without being subject to constant paparazzi attention. (I mean, not none. But the thing in e.g. The West Wing where the Bartlets laid down the law about press access to their youngest daughter was definitely borne out of the Clintons' real life.)

Scene 33

Francesca is at a bridal shop getting her dress fitted.

SEAMSTRESS: Sounds fantastic. Does he have a brother? [The phone rings and she goes to answer it.] Hello? [She brings the phone to Francesca.] It's for you.
FRANCESCA: Oh, thank you. Hello? [As she listens, her face falls.] Oh my — oh my God.

She runs from the shop and tries to hail a cab. Failing this, she runs across the street and is almost hit by a car.

DRIVER: Hey, look out! What, you come to your senses or what?

Francesca trips over the curb and falls onto the sidewalk. She gets up and keeps running. Huey and Dewey hurry out of the police station, buttoning their coats.

Here we go.

Scene 34

Digger is wheeling the casket, which is closed, along the hallway in the funeral home. Van Zandt stops him.

VAN ZANDT: What the hell are you doing?
DIGGER: We got the brother coming in.
VAN ZANDT: Well, to hell with the brother.
DIGGER: Mr. Van Zandt, I got a business here. And it's got to appear to be running normally, or we'll draw some heat. Just let me get rid of the brother.

Heh. Brother.

Scene 35

Kowalski parks up at the funeral home. He lets Diefenbaker out of the car, and as they're going inside, Huey pulls in and honks his horn. Kowalski tries to avoid him.

HUEY: Ray, is it true?
KOWALSKI: [to himself] Oh, great.
HUEY: Ray, wait!

Probably everyone who works at the 27th precinct is coming down the corridor on their way out to pay their respects to Fraser. Kowalski comes into the funeral home and sees the casket closed at the front of the chapel. He runs to it. Diefenbaker barks and runs too. There are about a dozen flower arrangements around the casket. Huey and Dewey are coming in as Kowalski runs up and opens the thing.

KOWALSKI: Fraser! Fraser! [Diefenbaker hops up and sniffs.] Can you breathe? [Diefenbaker throws back his head and howls.]
DEWEY: Oh, God, it's true. [He rushes in.]
HUEY: No, it can't be. Fraser's like Superman. He can't die.

Superman can die, though, although to be fair I guess he didn't stay dead, did he.

Scene 36

Fraser is in the borderland, walking with Bob in the woods.

BOB FRASER: I imagine you have a number of questions you want to ask. Like, is this eternity or just a stopping place? Is death a transition or the end of the line? And if it's the end of the line do I still have to shave? Questions along those lines?
FRASER: Ah, yes, actually.
BOB FRASER: Yeah, well, you're on your own there.
FRASER: That's great, Dad. That's really enlightening.
BOB FRASER: You see, son, in the borderland, all the questions you ask are unique to you, and the answers are yours alone.

They keep walking.

That, I think is lovely. Once in a while Bob Fraser comes through with something awesome (or heartbreaking), and this is one of those times.

Scene 37

Francesca, in this partly-fitted wedding dress and white sneakers, is running hell-for-leather down the sidewalk, pushing people out of her way. A taxi pulls up at the funeral home, and Thatcher and Turnbull jump out and rush in. Inside, a man is playing the organ. Kowalski is standing with Huey and Dewey on either side of him at the casket. A rabbi is davening at Fraser's feet.

DEWEY: I remember when that kid died. I was so freaked. [Kowalski has noticed the rabbi and goes to speak to him.] I couldn't move, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. Fraser told me that story about the — the moose on the side of the mountain. [He is choked up and goes to sit down.]
KOWALSKI: He's not Jewish. [The rabbi leaves, weeping.]
HUEY: He told me that story when my car wouldn't start.
WELSH: Hey. The guy only had one story. What, are you going to sue him?

Handler and Necktie are standing in the aisle as Welsh steps up to the casket. Thatcher and Turnbull come running; when they reach the casket, Turnbull sobs into a handkerchief and then turns and sobs on Welsh's shoulder. Kowalski pushes between Turnbull and Thatcher to whisper to Fraser.

KOWALSKI: Fraser, I know you're down a deep well, but maybe you could come back for a second and tell me if you found Jones's body.
DEWEY: [gently] Ray. [Kowalski pretends to be crying.] You've got to let him go, Ray. Come on, let him go.
OLDER LADY BEHIND THEM: Just pick me up.
WHOEVER SHE'S TALKING TO: Can you see?
OLDER LADY BEHIND THEM: Higher. Higher! [Whoever She's Talking To lifts her high enough to see over Kowalski and Dewey into the casket.]
KOWALSKI: [waving Dewey off] I just — one second —
OLDER LADY BEHIND THEM: Oh — [She starts to cry.]
KOWALSKI: — I'm good, okay.
DEWEY: Okay. [He leaves Kowalski alone.]
KOWALSKI: [leans down to whisper to Fraser again] Ray from the material world, it's Ray from the material world. Fraser, things are kinda getting out of hand.

Dewey's generally an asshole, but when the chips are down, look at him trying to take care of Kowalski, who's just lost his partner. Aww. (I think the story of the moose on the side of the mountain must be the caribou story he told Charlie Pike in "Diefenbaker's Day Off," so sincerely, nice continuity job, writer's room.)

Scene 38

Fraser is still walking with Bob.

FRASER: Well, let's say I did have a question, one that was unique to me. Where would I go to ask it?
BOB FRASER: In here, son. [He points to Fraser's heart.] You ask yourself. Your whole life is in here, compressed into a single point in space and time so that no matter what direction you step, your destination is the same. [bright smile] Isn't that fun? This way. [They climb to the top of a rock.] Well, here's where we come to make sense of everything. You never know what life means until you die. [The city of Chicago is spread out behind them.] One of the Brownings said that. Kurt. Or Robert. Thibault Browning. In any event, it's death that gives life significance.
FRASER: So that door with the, with all the light behind it. Does that mean I'm —
BOB FRASER: Dead? [Fraser nods.] No, son. Look at this as a coming attraction. You've got a few more obligations to fulfill.

It was Robert Browning, in [The Ring and the Book](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ring_and_the_Book), XI.2375–2377. Kurt Browning is a world champion Canadian figure skater (the first to land a quad in competition). I can't find anything on anyone named Thibault (or Tibault or Tibo or Teebo) Browning. [eta: An anonymous commenter alerted me to the existence of the Browning T-Bolt rifle, of which I had previously been unaware. This gun was produced between 1965 and 1974 and took .22 caliber ammunition (and reintroduced in 2006 allowing .17 caliber ammunition of a type that didn't exist until 2002), so it's not the gun that killed Bob—recall that was shooting .30-06—but maybe it was what he normally carried? Hard to say. It didn't occur to me to look for it in the first instance because what he says sounds like "tee-bow," that is, he doesn't pronounce the LT, which I assume one would when discussing the T-Bolt, but it's a good connection, so thanks for the heads up, Nonny!]

Scene 39

In the chapel at the funeral home, Turnbull is still hysterical. The rabbi is still present.

SOMEONE: Is Mr. Smith in there?
RABBI: In room twelve.

Francesca comes running in, shoving people aside.

FRANCESCA: Excuse me. Excuse me. [She reaches the casket and is overcome.] Oh my God, Fraser.

She wails and pulls Fraser into her arms.

In fact she has lifted the pillow behind his head, and now she can see Two-Tone Jones with a hole between his eyes. She drops the pillow—and Fraser's head—and screams.

Fraser and Bob hear the scream. Bob covers his ears.

BOB FRASER: Ooh.
FRASER: What was that?
BOB FRASER: I don't know. That's never happened before.

Turnbull screams. He looks at Francesca, and they both scream. They both look at Welsh and scream. The organist keeps playing. Francesca is backing away from the casket, crying and pointing to it, as Turnbull keeps shouting. Van Zandt and Digger and the third guy come in behind the organist; the third guy pulls a gun.

DEWEY: Gun!

Some number of others echo the cry of "gun!" Dewey, Kowalski, Huey, Necktie, Handler, and Welsh at an absolute minimum pull their guns. Turnbull bumps into the casket and the lid falls shut.

WELSH: Drop it, Van Zandt. You've got nowhere to go.

Van Zandt has also pulled a gun and is holding it to Francesca's head.

THIRD GUY: What are we going to do?
VAN ZANDT: Shut up! This is what's going to happen. [closeup on Welsh looking serious] You're all going to lower your guns. [closeup on Turnbull looking very serious, no longer screaming] You're gonna give me a clear path. [Francesca is crying.] Empty the street, give me a car. 'Cause if you don't, you're gonna have one dead lady on your hands. From five! [closeup on Dewey looking serious, Handler behind him looking serious, and Kowalski next to her looking serious] Four. Three —

They are all lowering their guns. Francesca is crying. In the borderland, Fraser turns to Bob.

FRASER: I think someone's in trouble.
BOB FRASER: That'd be one of your obligations.
FRASER: Thanks, Dad.
BOB FRASER: Any time.
FRASER: See you later.

Fraser jumps off the other side of the rock he and Bob are sitting on. He sits up with a shout and pushes the casket lid open. Everyone turns to look.

Turnbull swoons, crashing into Welsh's shoulder with his nose and upper lip and then sliding to the floor. Francesca swoons. Thatcher swoons, keeling straight over backwards. Diefenbaker hops up into the casket with Fraser. Van Zandt swoons. The organist swoons, putting his head down on the keyboard. Everyone else present swoons pretty much en masse. Huey, Dewey, Big Angry Dude, and one other fellow up front are last.

WELSH: It looks like Jonestown in here.
NECKTIE: Well, at least it's quiet.
HANDLER: It's the way I like it.

A phone rings.

KOWALSKI: Can you get my phone?

But Fraser is busy having his face licked by Diefenbaker.

The Fraser-and-Diefenbaker reunion is sweet—enough so that I almost didn't ask what the hell Kowalski is wearing? It's a sort of opposite-color colorblock situation on the front of his sweater that I think even Vecchio might not have favored? Oof.

Francesca was much braver the last time she had a gun to her head, so I conclude that the sobbing this time is more because she thinks Fraser is dead than because she's scared. (Though it's another thing that could have been partly explained by the character being pregnant.) I do like everyone's stone-faced serious expressions, though. Like, again, Dewey is a jerk but maybe he's not actually a bad guy? If you see the distinction? The grim seriousness on Turnbull's face (is probably just McDermott being a professional in case the camera happens to find him but) must be what launched the Turnbull/Francesca ship, mustn't it (if it didn't get off the ground at "and think of the color yellow")? And then Welsh makes his (tasteless, in my view) Jonestown reference. Oy.

Scene 40

Fraser, back in his regular red uniform, and Kowalski are back in the squad room.

KOWALSKI: Let's see. Three ninety-nine year sentences. So Van Zandt's going to be available for parole in, what —
FRASER: A hundred and forty-three years.
KOWALSKI: Ah, right.

As they leave, the desk sergeant comes in to Francesca's desk.

DESK SERGEANT: Someone to see you at the front.
FRANCESCA: Okay, thanks. [She takes a deep breath and comes out to the front desk, where she steps up to a man who is apparently waiting for her.] Hi.
MAN: [waves stiffly] Hi!
FRANCESCA: Um, I'm really glad you're here, 'cause, ah — listen, ah, I've been thinking about what happened with us, and, ah — I just have some issues that I have to deal with. [The guy is looking at her intently. Hard not to notice that he is Fraser's doppelgänger.] And it, and it has nothing to do with you. I just don't think it's a very good idea that we get married right now. Or at all.
MAN (DOPPEL GÄNGER): Ja komm, ich nicht rauf was Sie sagen. [subtitle: I have no idea what you are saying.]
FRANCESCA: I know this is difficult, but it's really for the best.
GÄNGER: Als sich Ihnen vohern sagte, ich kann keine Englisch. [subtitle: As I told you before, I can't speak a word of English.]
FRANCESCA: English, yes. Good, see? It's good. You understand.
GÄNGER: Sie Chicago-Mädchen sind merkwürdige. [subtitle: You Chicago girls are strange.] [He smiles and nods.] Ich muss jetzt gehen. [subtitle: I must go now.] My little pumpkin. [subtitle: meine kleiner Kürbis.] [He kisses her on both cheeks and leaves the front desk area, waving stiffly over his shoulder.] Bye.

Francesca watches him go. The desk sergeant is looking at her oddly.

Three 99-year sentences is 297 years; I don't know how Van Zandt is eligible (not "available," Kowalski, come on) for parole in 143 years. It looks like since 1978, eligibility for parole in Illinois has been after the minimum term of an indeterminate sentence or 20 years, whichever is less; or after 20 years of a life sentence; or after 20 years or one-third of a determinate sentence, whichever is less. (Minus credit for good behavior.) (730 ILCS 5/3-3-3) So if Van Zandt's sentences are straight-up 99 years, or even if they're some range X–99, won't he be eligible for parole in either 20 or 60 years, depending if those sentences are simultaneous or consecutive? That is, if he technically gets parole in 20 years on the first sentence, doesn't he immediately begin serving the second sentence, and when he gets parole on that one, immediately begin serving the third? Or, in the alternative, does he have to do all 99 years of the first two sentences and then become eligible for parole after 20 years of the third one, which would be 218 years? There's no math I can do with these numbers that gets me to 143 years, because even if the range of Van Zandt's sentences was 47⅔–99, so three sequential minimum terms would add up to 143, he'd have been eligible for parole after 20 years because that's less than 47⅔. If the sentences were 61½–99 and he had to do two "full" (that is, the low end of the range with no eligibility for parole) terms before being eligible for parole after 20 years of the third sentence, that would get us 143 years. Otherwise I'm stumped. People who understand parole and release eligibility in Illinois are welcome to tell me what I'm getting wrong here.

Nowthen: Francesca's German fiancé. I heard Ja komm, ich nicht rauf was Sie sagen, "Yeah, come on — I'm not getting what you're saying;" als sich Ihnen vohern sagte, ich kann keine Englisch, "As I told you beforehand, I can't [speak] any English;" Sie Chicago-Mädchen sind merkwürdige, "You Chicago girls are weird;" ich muss jetzt gehen, "I must go now." I'm not super familiar with German but I have the feeling that "keine" isn't right and that "merkwürdige" should agree with "Mädchen," but maybe it does and I'm thinking too French-or-Russian-ly about it?

But besides his four lines, I have a number of other questions about Doppel Gänger (and is Paul Gross wearing some false teeth or just kind of holding his jaw oddly in addition to the glasses and the floofy way his hair is combed?) and Francesca's relationship with him. With this kind of language barrier, how did they get to the point that she decided they were engaged? I mean obviously they were not, because the dude can't possibly have proposed or consented. Or even known Francesca was planning to marry him. (He calls her Sie, which is formal, though I don't know how close you have to be to someone in German to switch to du. Naturally there'll be a range among German speakers, but is it normal or unexceptional to be reserved enough to save the familiar pronoun for after marriage?) Like—getting all the way to the dress fitting is pretty committed to the concept, yeah? But last week, as we said, nobody had ever heard of him?

Of course she was attracted to him in the first place because of his resemblance to Fraser. (See also Greene, Rachel, and her brief relationship with Russ.) But before the first place: Where did she even meet him? I assume she was making a deliberate effort to get over her hangup on Fraser. Which is hard for her to do!, and she stumbles a couple-few times. So but okay: She decides, presumably on the advice of a therapist or at least a priest (or possibly her mother and her sister, but let's give her credit for maybe going to see a professional), to proactively get out there and try to meet someone new. She meets Doppel Gänger and is thrilled. Neither of them can understand a word the other one says, but she's cute, so they give it a shot, and we've seen before how she'll hang right in there and try to keep a conversation going whether she's getting any participation from the Guy Who Looks Like Fraser across the table or not. So who knows?, maybe at some point he said something that sounded sweet and she said "Oh my god are you asking me to marry you?" and squealed and hugged him and he . . . can't have realized that's what just happened, but sure, his inexplicable new American Schatzie is effusing in his arms, why not. I'll go ahead and assume he really did send her those flowers, even. And then I'll give her credit for realizing, when she thinks Fraser is dead and is devastated about it, that she isn't over him and therefore shouldn't marry Doppel.

But I still can't make it make sense! How does he even know she works at the police station?

I want the title to be a reference to Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982), but I can't make it work. I think it's just the aphorism "dead men don't tell tales" and the tradition of throwing rice at weddings.

Cumulative body count: 35
Red uniform: The whole episode, including the formal dress version when he's in the casket

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