i think it's because it's been sunny lately.

i'm not out in the sun much, and i don't tend to tan very deeply anyway, but i've got some color now that i didn't have in the winter. and the result of that is that i can see quite clearly the scars that are normally very faint -- on the insides of my arms, just below the crease of the elbow, right over the bluest vein, four or five on the right arm and a whole cluster on the left. they're so tiny i can hardly even feel them under my fingertip, but i can definitely see them there.

it used to hurt. i mean, a lot. i could never look at the needle. even looking away and squeezing down on whatever they gave me to put in my hand -- a rubber ball with a ring on it, usually -- i could feel the sting (they always said "pinch", but it hurt more than that) as the needle went in, and then the ache. and then it hurt when they took the needle out, too, which didn't seem fair; it hurt going in, and it hurt having it in, and then it hurt taking it out, no relief. i used to get bruises a couple of inches long, along the vein, and the area swelled up sometimes, and it ached like i'd hit it really hard against a doorjamb or something. and every time they'd let me, i'd be there.

i don't take any pleasure in pain, really; but it's been at least three years now since i've been allowed back, and not going hurts me more than the sting and the ache ever did.