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2+2=a bushel of potatoes
Aug. 22nd, 2007 02:17 pmOh my god, you guys. I think I just realized why I'm so stressed about chairing the Inaugural.
Because -- before I go on -- I have been really stressed, and unable to really zero in on why, which of course has been more stressful. One of those exciting feedback loops. Last week I was having nightmares, remember? Plus I've been grinding my teeth. Plus even without nightmares I haven't been sleeping enough or well. Plus my skin is breaking out strangely and my (ahem) cycle is doing weird things, but that I'd chalked up to changing pills -- which it likely is, but the stress isn't helping. At 4am Monday morning I woke up in sudden pain from a pulled muscle or pinched nerve or something in my neck. Most of the day Monday I couldn't turn my head to the right, and it still wasn't really okay yesterday, and even today it's a little twingey. I have, in short, been very unhappy, more so than I may have understood, and the obvious reason isn't enough of a reason. But now I think I've got it:
It feels just like producing a show.
I did a lot of theatre with my student-run group in college. My senior year, I produced the winter play, which was a groovy assignment -- only I got really sick a week or so before rehearsals and tech and whatnot were supposed to start, so I spent a lot of the process wrapped in blankets on the office couch and a lot more of it exhausted and miserable. And six weeks earlier, producing the fall musical had got one of my best friends finally kicked out of school. (To be fair, she got herself kicked out, and would have done no matter what; it's not like she'd have done her homework and written her papers if she hadn't had a show to produce. In fact, she hadn't done her homework or written her papers when she hadn't had a show to produce, which is why that was when she finally got kicked out; she'd had warnings at least twice before. Still, though, the show happens to have been what she was doing instead of schoolwork that semester.)
Today there has been more e-mail on the subject, and one message said this:
Of course, I'm not sure if this is a good thing. As I see it, it could go one of two ways: either (a) I get through this bonspiel and I never chair another bonspiel again, because it's fucking post-traumatic (or post-whatever the thing is that's like trauma but long and drawn-out instead of acute) with its reminding me of a dismal and unhealthy period in my life; or (b) I get through this bonspiel and it goes immeasurably better than producing did, and it turns out I'm able to do it again in the future, because we get better.
I anticipate the second thing, because if people can recover from traumatic events like getting shot and so on, surely I can recover from a traumatic event like the fall and winter of 1998. But what I will have to remind myself for the next couple of months is that identifying an issue doesn't make it go away. I still, in other words, have to actually put on this freakin bonspiel, and I will still be disproportionately rattled when things go wrong with it.
But at least now I'll know why.
Because -- before I go on -- I have been really stressed, and unable to really zero in on why, which of course has been more stressful. One of those exciting feedback loops. Last week I was having nightmares, remember? Plus I've been grinding my teeth. Plus even without nightmares I haven't been sleeping enough or well. Plus my skin is breaking out strangely and my (ahem) cycle is doing weird things, but that I'd chalked up to changing pills -- which it likely is, but the stress isn't helping. At 4am Monday morning I woke up in sudden pain from a pulled muscle or pinched nerve or something in my neck. Most of the day Monday I couldn't turn my head to the right, and it still wasn't really okay yesterday, and even today it's a little twingey. I have, in short, been very unhappy, more so than I may have understood, and the obvious reason isn't enough of a reason. But now I think I've got it:
It feels just like producing a show.
I did a lot of theatre with my student-run group in college. My senior year, I produced the winter play, which was a groovy assignment -- only I got really sick a week or so before rehearsals and tech and whatnot were supposed to start, so I spent a lot of the process wrapped in blankets on the office couch and a lot more of it exhausted and miserable. And six weeks earlier, producing the fall musical had got one of my best friends finally kicked out of school. (To be fair, she got herself kicked out, and would have done no matter what; it's not like she'd have done her homework and written her papers if she hadn't had a show to produce. In fact, she hadn't done her homework or written her papers when she hadn't had a show to produce, which is why that was when she finally got kicked out; she'd had warnings at least twice before. Still, though, the show happens to have been what she was doing instead of schoolwork that semester.)
Today there has been more e-mail on the subject, and one message said this:
I, in another of my God-like roles, have assigned a percentage of the overall "events" revenue target ([x]) to each of our events: Inaugural's target is [x/3]. Failure to hit that target will not result in your death or dismemberment, but I'd certainly like to exceed last year's profit of [(x/3)/2].And it was like a bolt of lightning. I'm not kidding, y'all, I heard myself think the phrase "making revenue" and I realized what the problem in my head has been and it's really like the light here in my office is brighter now. Bertie Wooster would say "the scales fell from my eyes" and right now? he'd be speaking literally.
Of course, I'm not sure if this is a good thing. As I see it, it could go one of two ways: either (a) I get through this bonspiel and I never chair another bonspiel again, because it's fucking post-traumatic (or post-whatever the thing is that's like trauma but long and drawn-out instead of acute) with its reminding me of a dismal and unhealthy period in my life; or (b) I get through this bonspiel and it goes immeasurably better than producing did, and it turns out I'm able to do it again in the future, because we get better.
I anticipate the second thing, because if people can recover from traumatic events like getting shot and so on, surely I can recover from a traumatic event like the fall and winter of 1998. But what I will have to remind myself for the next couple of months is that identifying an issue doesn't make it go away. I still, in other words, have to actually put on this freakin bonspiel, and I will still be disproportionately rattled when things go wrong with it.
But at least now I'll know why.
