i guess that's why they call it the blues

A couple of months ago was five years I've been at this job. And I seem to have reached a tipping point. In a meeting on Friday I went off on a bit of a rant about how if our reports are hard to read but that's because the intended audience is only reading the bulleted lists and not the prose, then why are we even writing it?; and then today I found myself even rantier about how it can't possibly be the right solution to lower ourselves to the least common denominator, I mean, shouldn't we maybe think about raising it, and by the time I left the meeting I was pretty upset. And by the time I left work I was genuinely upset. I didn't have a crying jag at work, but I sure did on the way home. I'm fortunate that I like and get along with everyone I actually work with - but I feel like it's suddenly become clear that all I've been doing for five years is pointless tasks that someone thought up for the purpose of keeping me busy. It's not that I feel unfulfilled, although I totally do, but jfc, if what I do isn't going to matter even a little bit to anyone at all, I should get paid more for it, you know what I'm saying? There are important jobs I would do for less money than I'm worth, but this is evidently not an important job, so the least they could do, you know?

But I can't leave, because how would I find another job?, and how could I leave the (frankly awesome) benefits package I've got, and the HR department that lets me skate back and forth over the edge of having any leave accrued and not?, to say nothing of, I've got three courses left on this library-archives degree, so if I want to finish that - and I do - then I'm stuck here for another year and a half even if I could find something else that I'm qualified for and/or that I'd enjoy and/or that would pay me better.

So, yeah, I had a little cry in the car and had some ice cream on the way home, and I'm going to have some cake before I go to bed. (The Gentleman Caller and I made a cake on Saturday and it was and is delicious.) It's a week I'm not surprised to be a little hormonally goofy, so at least there's that, and maybe by this time next week I'll feel better.