so, today.

I woke up this morning and did not want to get out of bed. As others have pointed out, an eagerness to go to bed early and an unwillingness to get up at all could be (gasp) signs of depression; there's a shock. Who wouldn't be depressed and unhappy right now, right? And when you're feeling grim and lethargic and your boyfriend doesn't get up to go surf the internet as usual but stays in bed to pat your head while you look at the tiny gaps in the blinds and watch the sky getting ever so slightly lighter just a tiny bit at a time, who wouldn't want to stay where it's safe and warm and dark and quiet? But eventually I did get up, as one does. (Not before, after about 45 minutes of lying there peacefully, I abruptly and with almost no warning just burst into tears. But not for long. It was kind of like sneezing, or like throwing up, I think - suddenly something's irritating something inside and I've got to get rid of it, so I convulse and eject various fluids for a couple of minutes and then I feel a little better.) (And all of you saying how hard this is have got it exactly right. I remember sniffling into GC's neck and saying "This is the hardest thing I have ever done.") I was going to just put some clothes on and come to work, and then I was going to have a quick shower but not wash my hair, and then in fact I had a whole shower and did wash my hair, so look at that, self-care and everything. (I did go to work in my cozy sweatshirt instead of anything at all worklike, but that's what you get for making me come to work on a federal holiday. Himself had the day off.)

Went to work, did some work, came away home when I couldn't stand it, but I didn't have a nap. I've done some more work and got some progress made on a paper that's due on Wednesday. So that's awesome.

And I just called my parents, and interrupted them at playing bridge, so I couldn't talk to them much. So hey: company, and thinking clearly enough to bid and make decisions and so on. Yay.

Yesterday was very much like being hit by a truck. Well, it was very much like the second and a half day of being hit by a truck. Today has been a little better. Well, it's ultimately been a lot better. I'm still going to take my lorazepam when I go to bed, but

I don't actually have an end for that sentence. Thanks for the love and support, y'all. I'm going to have to lean on you more and again, so I can't tell you how good it is to know I'll be able to. I mean I know some of you know, so I don't have to tell you. But - you know.