updates

Twenty-four hours after my last post, Himself read something about adults living with ADHD that seems to have been one of those times where they could have named the book Be Your Own Wind-Keeper, Rachel. And I knew as the words were coming out of his mouth that the point wasn't "hey and if I can get my brain to focus properly and feel less bad about how much I don't get done when it won't, maybe I'll feel enough better in general that we could have another kid after all" - but that's where my brain went and undid a year's worth of coming-to-terms. :-/ A week later he came home from the first day of his favorite annual conference and he was super happy and I asked how or if that might affect me downstream re: the kid question and he got upset that I'd harshed his buzz instead of letting him just enjoy it, and I said I was trying to get in on it, and basically where we are now is that (1) the kid thing is still not happening; (2a) I don't have anything in my life that makes me as happy as that annual conference makes him, except my kid a lot of the time, which is not entirely unproblematic for a variety of reasons, the main one being (2b) that kids don't stay little forever and defining myself and my happiness in terms of my kid is maybe a route to some codependence and definitely a route to being unhappy later in life when he inevitably does grow up and resent me/leave the house/both; (3) I'm not positive of course that having another baby would make me as happy as the annual conference makes Himself, but I know that the fact of never having a new baby again makes me very sad [only see 2b]. I'm not sad all of the time, but I'm sad enough of the time that I am consulting with a therapist to - well, that sentence has been sitting there unfinished for a while. To hopefully feel less sad less of the time, I guess.

Meanwhile, I saw the doctor in December because we got a not-insignificant credit toward our annual deductible if we had a physical before the end of the calendar year, and it turns out my cholesterol is high, so I've been trying to eat differently and move more (not that weight and cholesterol are linked, but I was also unhappy with the size and shape of my body and feeling like I had little if any control over either), and I've lost about 20 pounds since Christmas and starting to notice that my clothes fit and feel different. I'm hoping to skip sizes - that is, not to have to buy new clothes at every size but maybe when I get to where things are two sizes too big - but I may have to make an exception for bras.

I'm trying not to be discouraged by the Iowa caucuses and the New Hampshire primary. People keep pointing out that in 1992 Bill Clinton lost the first five contests, didn't win until Georgia, so Warren is still alive, and I want that to be true, but - surely he came second in one or more of those first five things he didn't win? I just know Sanders has no future and I'm extreeemely lukewarm on Buttigieg. Of course - OF COURSE - I will vote for whomever gets the nomination. Of course I will. And even if they disappoint me greatly by insisting with no evidence that the average American can absolutely "figure out their own health care," whatever the screaming fuck that means, they'll be better than the literal fascist we've got. I just wish the media weren't writing Warren off already, as if they didn't know how hard the tail can wag the dog around here, jesus.